Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e01 Episode Script


(Jon Glaser)
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear" is
basically gonna be
a show that explores
my genuine passion
for all things gear.
You know, we're gonna be
talking about things like,
for example,
this rain hat.
You know, it's got cool
details on it, like,
the short brim
is pretty cool.
You know,
and when you put it on
it's got the really
good earflaps.
It cinches in the back.
These are just all
the kind of things
that we all kind of
nerd out about
when we're obsessing on
whatever activity we like.
And, of course, I will be
joined by my good friend
and fellow gear lover,
Steve Cirbus,
who will be serving
as my gear expert,
or "spurt" for short.
Yeah, I'd like to do something
where we'd go on a hunt,
and maybe I kill
a deer with my
Bowtech Carbon
Icon compound bow.
Oh, take your shirt off when
you're talking about that, dude,
show off the goods!
Should I?
You don't have to.
No, he wants to,
it's all right,
check this out.
Look at that, nice, right?
We're gonna see this
body every episode.
(imitating "Sesame Street" song)
Like, one, two, three,
four five six abs!
So, that's the
show, um
We good to go?
I like it.
Let's do it.
What is up?
Welcome to the first episode
of "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".
Me and Steve,
we're just hanging out here
at the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
production office.
Today's episode, "Camping".
Me and my spurt, we are gonna
kick off the season
with a sweet, little
two-day camping trip.
Now, before we do that, I would
like to introduce another
integral part of the
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear" team.
A lot of people with your
phones, you have Siri,
well, my phone comes equipped
with something called Geary.
Now, Geary is just like Siri,
but it's specifically for gear.
Let me show you
how it works.
(phone dings)
Hello, Jon.
How may I help you?
Steve and I are going to be
going on a camping trip,
two days, what are
your gear suggestions?
That sounds like fun.
The forecast calls for
mid-70s during the day,
dropping down to
upper 50s at night.
I'd recommend two
two-person tents.
non-glaring lantern.
Good call.
Okay, yeah.
USB wood burning stove.
Good call.
Foldable camping chairs.
Good call.
Lightweight Gore-Tex
hiking boots.
Good call.
GPS watch with altimeter.
Oh, yeah.
Call of the day.
(loud smack)
And collapsible
walking sticks
with aluminum shafts.
I'm gonna say
yes to those.
I just want those,
they're cool.
All right, well,
thanks very much, Geary.
Rock solid gear
Let's go camping!
Me and my spurt headed over to
one of our favorite stores,
Tent & Trails, to gear up
for the camping trip.
That is a pretty
good sized sleeping bag.
Now, Jamie, if you want,
you're free to take your
shoes off and come on in.
That's a no.
Yeah, I've been showing my wife
this one online a ton,
and she's like, "Oh, yeah,
you totally gotta get it."
What if you put, like, a voice
chip inside the boot,
so every step
you're like
Or you could do one
where it's like
Ow! Ow!
Or like a macho-like,
Oh, Paul Rudd did
a PSA for camping.
He's going on a massive,
massive hike, clearly.
First of all,
cotton pants?
You know what I call
cotton in the woods?
Death cloth.
Death cloth?
Yeah, dude.
As soon as it gets wet,
there's no insulation
This, right here--
It'd be a good metal band,
Death Cloth.
Death Cloth.
(vocalizing heavy metal)
Wore the wrong material
Yeah, this is sweet.
That looks sharp.
Now, I have a question.
Let's say we're doing
a couple's camping trip,
and I think my wife and I are
gonna break off for a hike,
and let's just say
we come across
some beautiful landscape and
I'm so overtaken by emotions
that I start crying, would this
jacket bead the tears
like it would a raindrop?
Let's get all that up there,
thanks a lot, spurt.
Geary, check out all
the sweet stuff we got.
Great choices, Jon.
Steve, I just want to say that
you have a really amazing body.
Would you ever consider a
relationship with a machine,
like in the movie "Her"?
Only in this case,
the machine is a guy?
Right, give it
a rest, Geary.
I don't even know how you're
even attracted to humans anyway.
Geary Fonzarelli has always
been open minded
and bi-curious.
I'm sorry, did you say your
last name is Fonzarelli?
Yes, that's right.
Like the Fonz?
I'm sorry,
who's the Fonz?
Whatever, Geary.
Sorry, Steve.
That's cool.
Okay, time to give my wife
the good news.
Let's do it-- go.
Knock-knock, babe.
Check it out!
This can only mean one thing.
The show's picked up!
The show's picked up
Here's what's going on,
get you up to speed.
Episode one, "Camping".
Me and you,
Steve and Amy,
weekend camping excursion,
no kids,
just the couples,
just adults.
I just loaded up with some
really kick-ass camping gear
including this
kick-ass GPS watch.
Pretty sure Paul Rudd
wears one.
It's from Garmin.
I'm really happy your
show's picked up,
but we've talked about this,
like, so many times.
I really don't want
to be on camera,
it makes me feel
Sweetie, I told you, we're gonna
blur your face out in post.
No one's gonna
know it's you.
We talked about this.
Yeah, we did
talk about this,
and I made it crystal clear that
I don't want to be on camera.
Why do you even need
a camera crew here
if the show is about
how much you love gear?
Because I have a wife that I
love and I love coming home and,
and showing you all my gear
and sharing the experience.
Oh, brother.
Like, look at this kick-ass
GoPro I got in my backpack.
Pretty cool, right?
Why do you even
need that?
It's for gettin'
cool shots!
And also, look, I got this
GPS watch-- check this out.
This thing has an altimeter.
An altimeter, I know, Jon,
because you've showed to me
a hundred times online,
and I told you then
and I'll tell you now,
it's too much
watch for you.
You never even
go camping.
Now all of a sudden you
need to have a $500 watch
with an altimeter?
No, I don't need the watch,
but the show is not called
"Jon Glaser Needs Gear".
It's called "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear,"
and I love this watch.
Wow, truly.
Sweetie, listen, I know
that I can be annoying
Thank you.
when I talk about gear.
Stop right there
and then walk out.
Okay, but when you
are married to someone
and you love that person
Oh, okay.
Part of that is you indulge in
the annoying things about them.
Oh, come on, please.
Like, I love you and I indulge
the annoying things
that you like to talk about,
like your shoes and bags.
My shoes and bags.
Like, my gear?
Not the same
thing at all.
It's exactly--
Not even close to being--
It couldn't be closer.
No-- gear is cool shit.
No, it isn't.
Gear is like,
oh, look at these cool
cycling goggles,
and this cool watch,
okay, that's gear.
Give me a break.
Gear is not like tampons
and gum in a purse.
Oh, my God!
Okay, that's not gear.
You are a class act.
Gear's putting stuff
in a cool bag, a cool,
waterproof bag
Shoot for the stars
with a GoPro on it.
you're a real gentleman.
You know what you
should call your show?
You should call your show, "Jon
Glaser Loves to be An Asshole".
Everyone, out, get out.
(footsteps walking away)
Since my real wife
does not want to be on camera,
and since I'm an amazing,
respectful husband,
I decided to hold auditions
and cast an actress to play her.
You ready to try one?
Yeah, sure.
All right, I'm gonna read
with you, and, uh, here we go.
Hey, babe, how sweet
is this watch?
Pretty cool, right?
Check this out.
It's got a ton
of features.
It's even got
an altimeter.
What a cool piece of gear.
(Icelandic accent)
It's definitely not
too much watch.
You deserve such
a nice watch.
You're such a great
father and a husband.
You work so hard
to support us.
I love that you love
gear so much,
and I'm happy to talk about gear
with you whenever you want.
Talking about gear
is making me wet.
Put on that headlamp
and get inside me.
Uh, wow.
Uh, yeah.
America, for the sake
of this TV show,
say hello to
Mr. and Mrs. Jon Glaser.
The inaugural "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" camping trip
was off to a great start.
So while this thing was
cooking our food
it was also
charging my phone.
How cool is that, right?
Really cool.
How you doing
down there, Geary?
I think I'm too close
to the fire.
Funny as hell,
I wasn't kidding.
Then, of course, kick-back
in your sweet chair boom.
Got a little swivel.
Not bad, right?
What the hell?
Why didn't we get
swivel chairs?
Here's the best part--
end of the day,
you got some
tired dogs,
kick off your shoes,
take off your sock,
reach in your pack--
boom, look at that.
Teeny, tiny, takes up
no room in your pack,
almost nothing at all,
super light
instant foot massage.
That's pretty cool, but, I find
that there's no substitute
for the human thumb,
you know?
Takes up even less
space in your pack
and it's way
more efficient.
May I?
Put her up there.
How about that
sweet boot, man?
Pretty solid.
Very sweet.
Super lightweight,
rugged, durable.
I like the,
the powder blue.
Pretty cool sock, right?
That's a tick sock,
Oh, good one.
Keep them little dudes away,
man, right?
See, I prefer the feel
of skin on skin.
Don't forget about me, mister.
Well, throw her up there.
I could do two.
Hey, all right,
okay, spurt.
I think I can-- I think I can
rub my own wife's foot.
Come on over here, babe.
That's all right, I don't care.
No, no, I got it, spurt.
Sweetie, come on.
Yeah, they called me
Dr. Hands in college.
'Cause I knew what
to do with my hands
on a woman's body.
The doctor is in, huh, hon?
Look at this, right?
Does that feel
good, babe?
Yeah, it all
feels good.
Oh, man, look at that.
I'm noticing now, just like
the way they designed this
is so cool, man.
It's got these two
pieces of elastic
right around the border of
where you put your can in
so it hugs the can.
Yeah, I mean,
if there's an earthquake,
these plates are gonna go,
but the cans are gonna stay
in there pretty good.
Look at that, that drink's
not going anywhere.
Nice and secure.
(crickets chirping,
owl hooting)
Oh, my God, this is awesome.
Okay, Jon.
Sorry, what's up?
Um I'm really not
comfortable with that.
What's that?
I mean, the sleeping situation.
I thought I would
have my own tent.
Oh I see.
Well, I just figured it was
implied that we'd be, you know,
in the same tent just 'cause
you're playing my wife
and we're getting the shots.
Yeah, no, I'm really
not comfortable.
Okay, no, no, I,
I totally get it.
I want this to feel like
a professional job for you.
You're still an actress
and, you know, apologies.
So you'd rather I'm not
Are you cool if I sleep
on top of the bed?
Well, I totally
get it, um
You know, I want you
to be comfortable
as an actress, and a woman,
first and foremost.
You know, I respect my wife's
decision to not be on camera
and I respect your
decision to not wanna be
in the sleeping bag with me,
I totally get it.
You know, I'm like, the biggest
feminist there is.
You can ask
anyone that knows me.
You can ask my wife,
you can ask my daughter.
You can ask my teachers,
you can ask my mommy,
you know, they're all gonna tell
you, "Jon respects women."
How about this?
I'll sleep on this
side of the tent,
I'll be right over here.
We'll consider the
lantern the border.
And you won't come over.
I will sleep
right over here.
I've got some
pretty sweet gear.
Check this out.
This is actually
a running tight.
They're really warm
but also very breathable,
so I won't overheat.
Check out these booties,
these are awesome.
It almost looks like candy
apple red, do you remember that?
"Corvette Summer"
with Mark Hammill?
This jacket is really great,
got this for the trip.
Okay, I'll just tell you about
it while you fall asleep.
I can cinch up the hood
really good.
It looks really good, too,
it's a cool color.
All right, I'm gonna turn
the light out now, okay?
I love you.
That was just
a character, okay?
(crickets chirping,
owl hooting)
(Steve and women moaning)
(moaning louder)
My sister had a friend
who was named after
an Icelandic volcano.
Mornin', sleepy head.
Hey, you were right about
this chair, brother.
This swivel makes
all the difference.
And by the way,
I hope you don't mind
I made a real fire
this morning.
Is that cool?
Thanks again, ladies,
for getting the kindling.
No problem.
Nothing like a little morning
wood every once in a while.
(all laughing)
Ho ho ho!
Morning, honey.
Jon, did you know that
Eva is from Iceland?
Where, again?
Uh Reykjavik.
I like how you say that.
Ah, excuse me.
Um, I would just like
to remind everyone,
including Eva, that Eva
is playing my wife
who is from Texas,
not Iceland.
So she doesn't speak in an
Icelandic accent anymore, okay?
She doesn't say "Reykjavik".
As far as we're concerned,
Eva from Iceland is whatever,
is a cartoon character
in a TV show
that you could buy at the dollar
store and give it to your kids
and they'll yell,
"Yeah, this is so fun,"
and they throw it away.
Okay, I don't know
who Eva from Iceland is.
That's my wife Leslie
that I'm looking at.
It's not Leslie Glaser,
um, she didn't want
to take my last name,
which I was 100% fine with.
I'm not, I'm not a dick
about that kind of shit.
She didn't want to
convert to Judaism,
although she did wanna put
a mezuzah on our door.
She's more religious than I am,
if anything.
But, uh, it does remind me
of a funny joke.
So this guy buys
a Lamborghini, right?
And he's a Jewish guy and he
wants to put a mezuzah
on the car 'cause he thinks,
oh, such a beautiful car
So he seeks counsel, he goes
to an orthodox rabbi
The orthodox rabbi says,
"What's a Lamborghini?"
The guy says, "Oh, it's an
Italian sports car"
And the rabbi says,
"Not appropriate
to put a mezuzah
on this car."
So he goes to see a conservative
rabbi, explains the story
Rabbi says, "What's a
on the car, I think I could
put a mezuzah on it.
The rabbi says no.
He goes to see
a reformed rabbi
and the reformed rabbi says,
"What's a mezuzah?"
Pretty funny, right?
Anyway, you guys need to refer
to her as Leslie,
because we are trying to
maintain a certain reality here,
for my reality show about how
much I love gear,
including my chair
that someone is sitting in.
So, from here on out, if we
could just keep that in mind,
please, thank you.
All right, so, uh
Hey, good morning,
here we go!
I'm psyched!
I hope you guys haven't
eaten breakfast
because I've got some
de-licious organic eggs
from the farmer's market,
and, uh,
some good sausages.
Yeah, you know what, I think
we've had plenty of sausage
already this morning.
(snorting laughter)
Okay, you know what,
I'm going for a walk.
Do you want me
to go with you?
Come on, Jon.
No, you come on,
Jon, spurt!
I just want to be alone
with my gear.
Oh ow, (bleep).
Want me to help you
with that?
No, I don't need help,
I know what I'm doing.
Oh, shit.
I was really excited to try out
some of my sweet,
new camping gear.
These cool walking sticks took
my mind off the fact
that three out of four people
on this camping trip
were (bleep) all night.
The fine craftsmanship of this
Audubon bird call
distracted me from
the searing humiliation
and emasculation of being
left out of a sex orgy.
These cool, tiny binoculars
allowed me to not only
get a close-up view of a
Eurasian Wryneck
but also a bird's-eye view
of three people (bleep)
inside a Geertop
Double Layer 2 Person Tent.
Ho ho ho!
And for the last
mile of the hike,
the compact size and lightweight
materials of this
tent stake mallet allowed me
to fully focus on my rage.
(phone dings)
Hello, Jon.
How's the camping
trip going?
Steve (bleep) my wife, that's
how the camping trip is!
You mean the Icelandic actress
portraying your wife.
Same diff, Geary!
Sorry, Jon, I was just
trying to help.
Would you read
the lyrics to
"Hey Jealousy"
by the Gin Blossoms?
Of course.
And you can trust me
not to think
and not to
sleep around.
All right, that's enough.
Never mind, Geary,
thank you.
I hate to see
you so sad.
For the record, I would
never do that to you
if I were your spurt.
Although if you really
think about it,
I kind of already
am your spurt.
Yeah, you know what?
That's true,
you are, Geary.
To be honest, I never really
thought you needed Steve.
You might be
right, Geary.
I know I'm right, Jon.
Let's head back
to camp, Geary.
Oh (bleep).
Extend and draw back
to your anchor point,
line up that top pin with
what you wanna shoot,
and release.
Hey, bull's-eye!
That looks like fun.
Boy, it sure is beautiful
out there in nature.
I saw some really
great stuff.
Hey, spurt.
You know what,
I was thinkin',
let's actually
go hunt deer.
That sounds fun, we'll do it
with your crossbow.
It's a compound bow--
Yeah, you know, I was
out on my hike
and I just got really tuned
in to nature and I thought,
this would be
a great segment.
Yeah, great,
'cause I suggested it.
Not now, Tim.
What we're doing is,
we're really getting
inside the psychology
of the animal.
Is he scared?
The track tells us
Sure, all right, yeah,
you want to follow the track.
And right here, here's a perfect
example of a deer compression.
If you'll come over here,
you'll see the oval
and the two halves of
the hooves-- check it out,
it's perfect, come here.
Yeah, I'll check it out.
Jon, what are you doing?
Jon, you
You're not holding
it right.
You don't hold it like that,
you need to hold it vertical.
Like this?
No, that's horizontal as well,
just upside-down,
The limbs-- two limbs
have to be just like that.
Oh, cool, yeah, oh,
that's, oh, cool, man.
And it's a
right-handed bow.
You need to switch
your hands.
And don't grip
the string like--
Jon, just put
the bow down.
McMahon didn't (bleep)
Carson's wife!
Shaffer didn't (bleep)
Letterman's wife.
Andy Richter didn't
(bleep) Conan's--
Hold on a second.
(phone dings)
Geary, dial Andy Richter.
Dialing Andy Richter.
(Andy on phone)
Hey, Jon, how you doin'?
Hey, man, what's up?
Not much,
just hangin' at work.
What are you up to?
Just hanging too, man.
How's LA?
Yeah, about to
grab some lunch.
Oh, nice,
what are you gettin'?
I was thinkin'
I might do Mexican.
Oh, Mexican,
nice, man.
What's your go-to meal?
I was thinking about doing
a chile relleno.
Oh, nice.
Dude, if you're going chile
relleno, get the guac.
Oh, you like it
with guac?
Trust me, man,
it's so good.
It's a real nice
combo of flavors.
Hey, real quick--
You ever (bleep)
Conan's wife?
What? No!
All right, I didn't
think so, thanks.
(phone beeps)
Jon, you are blowing this
way out of proportion, man.
I mean, it's not like I screwed
your real life wife.
Dude, if you can't
get past this,
this is going to be
a long shoot.
A long shoot-- we have
ten more weeks, Jon.
(breathing deeply)
You're right, you're right,
you're right.
Thank you.
You're fired.
Hand over
the uniform, spurt.
Or should
I say Steve?
Because you're not
my spurt anymore.
Thanks a lot, Jon.
Just don't (bleep)
my wife next time.
She's not your real wife,
One, two, three, four,
five, six abs.
God damn it.
I'm also taking you out
of the opening credits.
And I'm keeping this bow,
and I look (bleep)
cool with it, man, yeah!
(birds chirping)
Oh, my--
Jon, seriously.
Just hear me out,
hear me out, hold on.
Are you kidding me?
I am sorry.
The other day, when I came
in here with these guys,
that was 100% wrong, and I
wanna make it up to you.
Kept warm and dry in case
it rained, in my pocket,
two tickets to the hottest
show in town, "Hamilton".
Oh, my--
oh, thank you!
Oh, my-- Jon!
I was feeling so
and like,
I was the bad guy
(phone vibrates)
Jon, I'm sorry to interrupt
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
but you have to
see something.
Uh, not now, Geary.
What's going on?
Not a good time.
You have to check out
the news.
Oh, my God.
Wore the wrong material
What is it?
Paul Rudd is dead.
Oh, that's sad.
It says he died camping.
Oh, man, I don't think
I can go out tonight.
Oh, my God.
Good-bye, Jon.
Oh, my God, this-- I mean,
he was so good in "Ant-Man,"
wasn't he, Geary?
Yes, as well as "Neon Joe"
and "Delocated".
(bell dings)
I love when gear performs
like it's supposed to!
Next Episode