Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e02 Episode Script


Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
Bye, old bike!
Well, now that I don't have
a bike anymore, uh,
I can't really
think of a better way
to do a cycling episode than
by going and getting
a brand-new bike.
Uh, Geary
(phone dings)
What are the top bike stores
in New York City?
For an occasion as big
as getting a new bike,
might I suggest getting
a custom made frame?
That's a very good idea,
Geary, call of the day.
And while you're at it,
why don't you get one made for
your wife as a token of apology
for you shoving
cameras in her face
and being so intolerably
annoying to deal with?
I show up with two custom bikes,
his and hers, I'm the hero.
Great idea, Jon.
I'm sure she'll love it.
Let's do this!
I headed over to Horse Cycles
in Brooklyn to get measured
for a custom frame.
Jon Glaser.
Nice to meet ya.
Nice to meet you.
I'm very excited to have
a custom bike made.
And I'm gonna do one for me
and one for my wife.
We're gonna do a sort of
his and hers custom bikes,
and the reason I'm doing it
for my wife is because
she doesn't like being
on camera and, you know,
I've got the show, we've got the
cameras covering my every move.
Uh-huh, right.
There's gonna be moments where
we're gonna see my family.
So, we had to hire this
actress to play my wife,
and she's awesome
Here name's Eva,
she's from Iceland.
She's really,
I mean, she's gorgeous.
She's really stunning.
And so's my wife, I mean,
my wife is so beautiful.
You know, she's just
naturally beautiful,
so I'm trying to make it up
to her as a token of apology
with a really tailored
to her body bike.
First up, measurements
so the frame
can be built
to the exact
specifications of my bod.
Getting there?
Make this a little longer if you
want to be accurate, right?
(vocalizing motorcycle
engine revving)
Now I'm just
idling, right?
(vocalizing motorcycle idling)
Oh, we're done here.
Give me that.
When you have your own show,
you get to work on the frame.
Got to use some sweet tools
and wear some cool goggles.
Oh, beautiful
colors, Tommy.
Oh, this is cool as hell.
My old sidekick really
would've liked this.
We had a falling out.
I wish he wasn't such a,
such a jerk.
I had to fire him and take him
out of the opening credits.
Next up, finalizing the details
to personalize my sweet ride.
On this tube I'd like it,
I'd like mine to say,
"His and"
And then her bike
is gonna say, "Hers."
Final step-- the paint!
But I can open
my eyes now?
Yeah, open 'em, open 'em.
Let's do my wife's.
Let's do my wife's bike.
Awesome, let's do it.
I guess we need to take
Well, she's not here and she,
I mean, she's not gonna come
'cause she doesn't
want to be on camera.
Okay, so
Can we just sort of--
we can just guess, right?
No, we kind of
need her here.
If you do get her measurements
and bring 'em to me,
then we can probably
work something out.
If I were to measure
her somehow,
you could build a bike.
I could build a bike.
No prob.
Do you guys sell
night vision goggles here?
Yeah, sure.
Here are some
units right here.
You can
check them out.
This is 250,000 lumens.
No-- right,
just like this.
There you go.
Keep 'em down like that.
Now, you can't see anything
unless I turn them on.
Should I turn
them on for a second?
Is it gonna fry my eyes
'cause it's light out?
No, we have
the covers on.
Oh, yeah, that's cool.
Would you recommend
these for, uh,
secretly measuring
a woman while she sleeps?
And also, you know
of any drugs
you might be able to recommend
to really knock her out
so she's, like, sleeping
soundly and won't wake up
while she's being,
uh, secretly examined?
I don't think that's
a good idea.
Oh, no, no, it's not, this is
not creepy stuff here.
This is me being
a great husband.
When people find out
what I did to my wife,
they're gonna be like,
"You are the luckiest
woman in the world.
"I wish my husband
would knock me out
and do to me what
he did to you."
Well, good luck with that,
that sounds very interesting.
All right?
(loud smack)
I'm with you.
Yeah, man.
Let's do this.
Let's go in there and make
my wife a very happy woman.
Who are you?
Honey, just relax!
Get away, get away!
Honey, relax, relax, sweetie.
Who are you?
It's okay, it's me!
It's your husband--
Hold on, it's Jon, it's your
husband, it's me.
Honey, it's me, it's me.
Okay, it's me and
the guys, we're here.
Oh my God.
What are you doing?
I was secretly measuring you
for a custom made bike
that I was gonna present
to you later as a gift.
What are you
talking about?
I don't understand,
I don't, like--
What are you wearing?
You look ridiculous!
Take another look,
I look cool.
Check out these cool
night vision goggles.
I gotta close my eyes
'cause the lights are on.
Look at this really super cool
tactical shirt I got on.
Got a couple of pen holders.
Kind of think
for this shirt
you probably put knives
in there or something,
but I went for a pen and a
sharpie and put some licorice
in it in case
the measuring went long
and I got hungry
for a snack.
And then a couple of GoPros
for those cool shots.
Get out! I don't wanna see your
face again for a very long time!
Hey, you know what,
you have a lot of nerve talkin'
to me like that for someone
that's having an affair.
Who's Paul?
Yeah, Paul.
Paul McCartney, uh, I was
having an affair with him.
I was married to
John Lennon in my dream
and I didn't want
John Lennon to find out
that I was having an affair
with Paul McCartney.
Are you happy?
Wait a minute-- you were
sleeping with Paul McCartney?
It was a dream,
you moron!
So it was a dream.
Yes, it was a dream.
Okay, so, fine.
Then I'll still make
that custom bike for you.
I don't want
the custom bike!
Get out!
Daddy, what's going on?
Hey, buddy.
It's okay.
You know, sometimes
mommies and daddies just
argue about, you know,
great presents
that daddies wanna
give mommies and, you know,
mommies don't want them
and so they get in disagreements
about it, but it's okay.
It's okay.
You look cool, dad.
Oh, thanks, son.
So we're good?
Custom bike,
lookin' cool.
Get out!
I'm sorry your wife did not
share your enthusiasm
for the custom made
Yeah, you know what?
Ended up working out
in the end.
The money that
I saved on the frame
I put towards a lot of
really sweet gear.
I got this very nice kit.
Got this pretty cool bag
that's on the back of my seat.
How cool is that
little thing?
On your right!
You know, Jon,
I've been so inspired
by all the cycling activity
from this episode
that I started working on
a screenplay for what I think
is going to be the next great
bike messenger film.
Oh, yeah?
First there was "Quicksilver"
with Kevin Bacon.
Then there was "Premium Rush"
with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Yeah, I didn't see it.
And then there's my idea,
"Quick Rush".
It's set in a
post-apocalyptic New York
and it's about the world's
last bike messenger,
named Steve Quick,
who is tasked
with delivering a package
that can save all of mankind.
I was picturing a Ryan Gosling
type as the lead.
I know you've done
some bit parts in film.
Could you by any chance
get word to the Ling?
The Ling, Ryan Gosling.
"The Ling?" No one calls
him the Ling, Geary.
I just did.
Yeah, I think if anyone's
gonna give him a nickname,
it would be The Gos.
Disagree to agree.
You know what, Geary, the phrase
is "agree to disagree,"
you're just being
contrarian on purpose.
Will you at least
read my script
since you're in
show business?
Fine, Geary, I'll read
your dumb script,
but you know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna make a video
of it on my computer
so there's documented
evidence that I read it
and didn't like it, and I'm also
gonna do that squeeze filter
so there's a really--
I'm making a really
annoyed face
that I don't even
like your script, like,
I'm gonna read it like,
"Ugh, it's so bad!"
All right, bring up
your dumb script.
That's a really cool
opening shot.
Oh, awesome,
oh, that's cool!
Oh, he went in there--
oh, God, why?
Oh, this is funny.
So he's on the bike
and he rides through
the whole thing like that?
Oh, God.
Oh, man, he's got
a six-pack on his dingdong.
So, will you show it
to your agent?
Why not?
'Cause we're makin' it!
Thank you for
meeting with me.
I know you portray
my wife on camera,
but I want to just make it
clear to the audience
that I'm now
meeting with you, Eva.
So even though we're
in front of the cameras,
I'm just Eva.
I just want to make sure 'cause
last time it got really angry.
I would just like to
remind everyone
that Eva is
playing my wife.
Her name is Leslie and you
should refer to her as Leslie.
No, no, no,
I totally understand that.
Now you are yourself.
You're Eva and I'm
meeting you with you
because you're an
amazing actress
and I'm writing this script
and I thought of you for a role.
What's it about?
It's a bike
messenger movie,
and there's a love interest
part that you're perfect for.
There will be some
adult situations
in the film.
It's not
an adult film.
It's not a porno.
But we're gonna show tit.
Shut up, Geary!
Sorry, Eva.
To make it clear,
I'm not casting you
to try to take
advantage of the fact
that when we're playing
husband and wife,
that there's not as much
of that as I was hoping for.
You were hoping
for more.
No, no, no, I didn't
mean to say it like that.
It's just-- I think
it was more just
you're perfect for the role
and not 'cause I think
you're hot and there
should be more going on
or because you had a three-way
with my former sidekick
and his wife and I didn't
get to get in on that.
It's got nothing
to do with that, okay?
I want to make that super clear
to the cameras and you.
Check out the script.
And let me know
what you think.
Great to see you.
Great to see you.
All right, bye.
Have a good day.
Janeane, thanks for meeting
with me about the script.
My phone and I wrote it--
this is Geary Fonzarelli.
Hello, Janeane.
I really loved you
in "Delocated".
We think this could be the next
great bike messenger film.
I'm gonna play
the bike messenger,
I'm researching the role,
I heard you used
to be a bike messenger,
and so I wanna really
just get the part right.
Well, here's the thing.
I was a bike messenger for a
brief amount of time in 1987.
I feel that you should talk
to a real bike messenger
that's currently
messaging today.
Good call, yeah,
that's actually smart.
We'll do that.
Um, but listen, if you would
take a look at the script.
We're making a trailer,
shopping it around.
Okay, great, thank you.
See ya on the set.
Se ya on the set, you know,
maybe, if you get the part.
Thanks again for
meeting me out here.
Yeah, bro.
Much appreciated.
I'm looking, you know,
I'm researching this role.
I think I've kind of
nailed the look, right?
I don't know, I mean, the bike's
a little too clean, maybe.
Beat up the bike a little bit?
Anything that doesn't
feel right?
Change out the water bottle,
put a tall can in there.
Put a Guinness in there,
that'd be my choice.
So, what kind of tips
could you offer me
as a bike messenger
in a post-apocalyptic
Oh, gee, make sure you have an
extra, a spare tube, you know,
'cause if you get a flat
in a post-apocalyptic world,
you don't wanna spend time
patching it right there,
you just wanna swap it out
and keep going, you know?
Right, because the
bike shops are gone, man.
Things I wanna be
thinking about,
do I need
a certain mindset?
The best thing to do
I think would be
just get out
there and do it.
Let's get rid of some of these
packages, bro, let's get hot.
Let's do it, man.
I'm on your wheel, dude.
Jon, I know you think this
Bluetooth speaker is cool,
but I'm scared
inside your bag.
Don't be scared, buddy.
I know we're going fast,
but you're safe back there.
But I don't have
a helmet on.
You know what, Geary,
the more you talk,
the more danger
you put yourself in
'cause I'm not
paying attention.
Now shut up.
You ready to make
your first drop?
Yeah, man.
All right.
Listen, don't
mess this up.
All right.
Here you go.
No, no, no, no, uh-uh.
You gotta take it inside
the building, bro.
Okay, yeah, okay.
Sorry about that.
Got it?
Yes, bro.
Piece of cake, man.
You did it.
of cake.
(loud smack)
Okay, everybody, uh, this is
our green screen meeting
for the "Quick Rush"
trailer shoot.
We're gonna do
a lot of safety talks
and go over all
the ideas in the shot
just to make sure everyone's
on the same page.
Okay, so first
things first,
nobody is to walk on
the green screen
without booties
on your shoes.
We gotta keep
this pretty clean.
These are also just fun to wear,
I mean, they're pretty cool.
It's like we're all
You guys see
"Willy Wonka"?
If you haven't,
seen the original first,
it's way better-- the remake,
you know, whatever.
All right, let me just look
at the script really quick.
(phone dings)
Sorry, guys, give me one sec.
(dinging continues)
It's my agent.
Hey, man, what's up?
Thank you, yes.
Oh, that's awesome.
(phone beeps)
Real quick, guys.
I just got cast to play
Sly Stallone's son in a movie.
Yeah, so psyched, I'll tell you
guys about the story later
(phone dinging)
But I'm really excited.
Wait, hold on one second.
(dinging continues)
Yeah, hey, Sly,
what's up?
Dude, thank you
so much, man.
I'm so excited.
All right, bye.
So psyched, guys,
Sly plays a baker,
he's like one of the last
Italian bakers, like,
from the old world,
and he's trying to pass on
the tradition to me,
but I'm his son, I'm a real
(bleep) up, I'm into meth,
and so he's, like,
with tough love helps me
get over my meth addiction
and then I become this, uh,
world class pizza maker.
I don't want to give
too much of the story away
'cause I'm really not
supposed to even
technically be
talking about the script.
It's just a really
compelling story.
I'm going to get to show
my dramatic side, you know,
with "Girls" I got to
show a little bit of
how I can play drama
(phone dinging)
and this is, like,
full on drama.
(phone dinging)
Sly, what's up, man?
Oh, well, no, no, I was,
I was practicing my lines.
There's no way I would
ever do that.
Please don't do this, man,
I will-- please, please.
Oh, God.
(phone beeps)
When I hung up with Sly,
I guess I did not
hang up my phone,
and he heard me
telling you all
about the script,
and I just got fired
from the movie.
But let's not, let's not
let that put a damper on
what we got to do here.
We're about to do something
really special.
(inhaling deeply)
All right, you know what,
let's-- I'm (bleep) good.
I'm good,
let's do this!
Let's shoot "Quick Rush"!
New York City, the near future.
In a world of infertility,
one dying man has just delivered
planet earth's last load.
(man shrieking)
Mr. Mayor.
If we want to have any chance
of saving humanity
we need to get this load
downtown immediately.
What about
the rebels, sir?
(crowd chanting)
Don't you worry about
the rebels, Mr. Mayor.
And it's up to Steve Quick,
mankind's last bike messenger,
to do the job.
I'll deliver that load.
(man whispering)
Quickly, quickly, quickly.
Quickly, quickly.
Quickly, quickly, quickly.
Load is locked and loaded.
But the downtown rebels
have other plans.
(hoarse voice)
Give me a reason.
The government wants to use that
load for the replicant program.
That's okay.
I'm more about procreating
the old fashioned way.
Status report, Geary.
I've detected
the replicant lab.
It's in the Statue
of Liberty's head.
Quickly, quickly, quickly.
(whirring and beeping)
Quickly, quickly, quickly.
Quickly, quickly,
quickly, quickly.
Then it's time to blow this load
all over Lady Liberty's face.
Find Quick Fast
and kill him slow.
Starring Mike Shannon
as the Mayor.
Janeane Garofalo
as the Rebel Leader.
Introducing Eva Solveig,
the hot Icelandic actress
better known as Jon's wife
from "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear,"
and Jon Glaser as Steve Quick
in "Quick Rush-- the Last Load".
Yay! All right!
All right!
Well, thank you all
for coming.
I hope you all enjoyed that.
Geary and I are
very proud of it.
We worked
super hard on it.
We're hoping to shop it around,
get it in some festivals,
uh, but in the meantime we're
gonna do a short Q&A right now.
If anyone has any
questions or comments
about the movie or the process
or-- any questions?
Okay, guys,
let's go, come on.
Let's go.
What's up?
You guys have to go?
Yeah, we do.
Oh, I thought we were
gonna stick around,
maybe go get some
ice cream or something?
That's not gonna happen,
here we go.
All right.
Thanks for showing
the kids your sex scene.
Oh, excuse me, no way,
that was not a sex scene.
It was a scene of passion
with the implication
that sex was coming.
Give me a break.
It's all good.
My kids are well aware
that their daddy
sometimes has to kiss strange
women that are not mommy
and they know it's
my job and they know
it doesn't mean anything.
Who are you planning on
showing that to?
I mean, we're gonna just pitch
it to all the festivals
and we'll get
some meetings, um,
I think Gary Sanchez
that's Adam McKay and Will
Ferrell's production company,
is interested,
or they probably will be
when I send it to 'em.
Oh, don't do that.
Don't send them that, don't--
Why not? They would
nail that movie.
And we were
accepted at Cannes.
But not the--
not Cannes.
Oh, no.
Cannes Cannes.
Cannes Cannes.
We are going, meaning I'm going,
to Cannes Cannes.
Nice, Greg, how's LA man?
Pretty good, Jon,
nice and sunny as usual.
What are you doing
for lunch today?
I'm thinking about
a chile relleno.
If you get a chile relleno,
you gotta get the guac.
Sounds good.
So, good news, bad news.
The bad news is that
no one's interested
in your screenplay,
"Good News, Bad News".
The good news is that Sony
wants to buy "Quick Rush".
Yes! I knew it!
"Quick Rush" is a go, guys!
There's just one thing--
the writer wants Ryan Gosling.
You there?
Let me call you
back, please.
Okay, all right, bye--
Okay? Bye.
(phone dings)
Hello, Jon.
What gear suggestions can I--
Really, Geary?
I'm out of the movie?
You said it
yourself, Jon.
"Whatever it takes
to get the movie made."
If we get the Ling,
this movie will ring.
If we get the Glase,
this movie gets AIDS.
Sorry, it was the first thing
I thought of that rhymed.
Yeah, whatever, Geary, I'll make
the movie myself if I have to.
Hey, what's up?
Want to see
"Quick Rush" for real?
TruTV's not gonna make it.
They didn't really seem
interested in making a movie
about a post-apocalyptic bike
messenger who delivers semen.
But they did agree to let us
promote our Kickstarter page,
and this is real.
If we can raise $25 million,
this movie will
get made for real.
So if you're some kind of
eccentric billionaire--
(knocking on door)
Uh, that's weird.
Excuse me, please.
Uh, hello?
Hey, hold bike!
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