Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e03 Episode Script


Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
Hockey, one of
my favorite sports.
(crowd cheering)
I love the ritual
of puttin' on the pads
with the guys
in the locker room.
Ding Dong.
And of course, I love all that
sweet, sweet gear.
That is awesome, man.
That's a hot combo--
I like the dark green
and the yellow skate
guard's pretty sweet.
I had this idea where
I wanted to do a clear cup,
and then I would cut this
section of my hockey pants out,
and you'd see my dick
and balls in there,
and it'd be all foggy,
you know,
you'd catch a glimpse
every now and then,
and then if it pressed
against the glass,
and I kind of thought that might
give me an edge on the ice.
You know, because of
my sweaty dick.
"Hockey, skate hard,"
on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Hockey skate hard!
After gearing up,
it's time to hit the ice.
I love all the grace, speed,
skill and physicality of hockey.
Unfortunately, I don't have much
of that grace, speed or skill,
because I didn't
learn how to skate
until I was in my
late 30's.
I wish I was a little
better at hockey.
But that hasn't stopped me
from loving the game
and loving
all the sweet gear,
including putting a GoPro on
a puck for those cool shots!
This is Martin
my amazing Czech
hockey player friend
who taught me
how to skate.
I called him down to the rink
because there was something
I really
needed to ask him.
Let me ask you this-- this is
why I wanted to talk to you.
Given that I never
learned to skate
until I was in
my late 30's
I feel like I got
up to speed pretty quickly
on just general basic
skating, right?
Uh you were
learning it fast, there was--
we were making
progress, yeah.
Now, given that, do you think
if I had taken up the game at,
let's say, five or
six or seven years old
and started learning
to skate at that age
and became passionate
about the sport
and just really kept at it,
and that became
the number one sport and
that's my main focus in life
All right.
could I have gone pro?
Well, uh
And I'm talking about
maybe the worst,
lowest level professional
hockey player in the world.
I, I get that, but however,
I think that a pro is
I'm not sure if
you'd come out pro.
Okay, fair enough.
Now, how about good enough to
play college level hockey?
Like top-tier,
Division One?
Practicing since
you were a little child.
Maybe, so maybe, so maybe.
It's very possible.
It's, it's possible.
That's all, that's all
I needed to hear.
That's all I needed
to hear, but also
Now I have to
confront my mommy.
Your mommy-- you call
your mom "mommy".
Uh, I call my
mommy mommy, yes.
Well, what do you
call your mommy?
You say tomato,
I say mommy, I mean
How do you say
"mommy" in Czech?
Mamka is mommy.
Mamka is mom.
Well, I didn't ask you
how to say "mom".
I asked you
how to say "mommy".
Martin confirmed what I had
suspected for years--
that my mommy
ruined my life,
and now it was time
to deal with it.
It was basically when I was
about five or six,
or possibly seven,
that my mommy reluctantly agreed
to give me skating lessons
and I say "reluctantly"
because she did not
want me to play hockey
because she thought
it was too violent.
All right, I did not reluctantly
take you to your lessons,
and honey, let's be
clear on something--
if I really didn't want
you to play hockey
Please, let's be clear,
mommy, let's be clear.
you never would've
made it there, not even once.
Okay, okay.
I would never
have taken you
if I really didn't
want you to play.
And I have
one more question.
Do you really have to be
sitting here
in all this hockey equipment?
Isn't this
a little obnoxious?
How is it obnoxious?
This is an emergency session
that was called here,
so yes, I
You couldn't have
unhooked your helmet
in the elevator
coming up?
Well, I guess I could have,
but I didn't.
Does it really matter?
You could've
taken off your skates.
I mean, hockey skates are very
difficult to take on and off.
I think it'd be best if we just
tried to stay on-point, please.
Fine. I would like to
suggest a dramatization
of the moment that my mommy
robbed me of learning to skate.
I think it would provide
a lot of clarity, the visuals
would help the moment,
it'll take me
about a week to produce it
if everyone's
cool with it.
No, it's not,
really, but
All right.
Great. Thank you very much.
It was the early '70s.
I'm sorry, what the hell does
this have to do with hockey?
It's called setting
the emotional tone, mommy.
This whole experience was
basically my Vietnam.
Now be quiet and watch.
Cool Zamboni shot,
It's stock footage, but, uh,
whatever, it still looks good.
Anyway, so there I was, at the
lesson, trying my best,
my mommy clearly
not wanting me to be there,
when all of a sudden,
I lost my balance,
started to fall, and smashed
my head on the ice.
I was wearing a helmet,
but it still freaked me out.
(groaning and sobbing)
And because my mommy didn't
want me to play hockey,
she didn't exactly encourage me
to get back out there
and try again.
Come on,
it is time to go.
Shouldn't I try again?
No, it's time to go.
When you fall,
you get back up and try again,
but she was like,
"No, hockey's not your thing.
We'll find something else,
let's go."
(sobbing loudly)
I trusted my mommy.
I was just
a little boy,
my mommy took advantage
of that trust,
the trust a boy
has for his mommy!
Now, I would also like
to point out that I learned
how to Dorf skate for that
and that is
very hard to do.
Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit
on that entire dramatization.
That is not how things
went down at all.
Please! Come--
I would like to have
my own dramatization,
and I'd like to clarify
a few matters like casting.
This was the mid-'70s.
I was hot, I was young,
I was tight.
A lot of people
were after me.
Fine! We'll meet
back here in a week.
Oh, my God, seriously, mommy?
That's who you cast
as you?
Shut up-- this is
my dramatization.
So, I'm in the stands,
Jon is on the ice.
I'm cheering him on, being
supportive, like I always was,
when he lost his balance
and hit his knee, okay?
Not his head,
he hit his knee.
He didn't go down hard, but he
started screaming, crying,
going on and on and on.
He even wet the ice.
I didn't wet the ice!
What are you talking about?
Anyway, I knew it scared him
more than anything,
so I rushed down to the ice,
I told him it was all right,
encouraged him to get
back out there.
"Do you want to do
another one for mommy?"
But there was no getting him
back on the ice.
And that's how
that went down.
Including later on
that night at home,
when you said you didn't
wanna play hockey.
I never said I didn't
wanna play hockey-- what?
You eventually ended up
playing baseball.
And Jon, say that you did
try hockey as a kid,
and say you were
good enough
to play college
or even pro, huh?
Jon, you never would've gotten
into comedy and acting,
and you wouldn't have
your "Gear" show here.
We wouldn't be
sitting here right now!
More importantly, honey,
you would've never met
your wife when you did.
She wouldn't have gotten
pregnant when she did.
You don't have your son
or daughter when you do.
Is that what
you want, huh?
You have a wonderful life!
Oh, Jon, I can't believe I flew
in from Michigan for this.
And then have to
stay two extra weeks
for these stupid
Oh, Jon, I'm sorry.
(door shuts)
(clearing throat)
So, time's up,
and for our next session,
why don't we start
with why you still
call your mother mommy.
I decided to take my son
for skating lessons,
and to make sure that I did
a better job than my mommy,
I met up with Ryan Smyth,
an airbrush artist
who's painted some pretty sweet
helmets to help me design
a kick-ass
helmet for my son.
I'd love to do some
sort of overall, like,
daytime lightning
storm motif.
Now, on one side I'd like
some kind of father-son motif,
like a father and son,
classic image,
playing catch
with a baseball.
No hockey sticks,
no kind of?
I don't think so.
On the other side,
some kind of monster truck,
or maybe like a, like a hot
lady on a hot rod,
you know, just like
Right? Just like a sexy
lady in a bikini
up on the hood of a car,
you know, like "mmm!"
Like, sticking
her tits out, right?
Holding her breasts like
you know, and that could be
the look on her face, like
How old is he?
He's ten.
What about some
chicken nuggets?
Yeah, chicken nuggets
is my son's favorite food.
Good call, Geary.
Geary is an app on my phone,
gives a lot of good suggestions.
Oh, nice.
Hey, Ryan, will you
give me a tattoo
of a sexy nugget
with big tits?
All right, man,
do you think you could
help me help my son?
Yeah, we can definitely do
something really cool
with all those elements
and he'll be pumped.
Let's do it
for my son!
Hey, it's the scaredy cats!
I'm just jokin' around.
Hi, guys!
I'm Nathan's dad.
No need to be alarmed,
I'm really fun and nice.
I'm sure Nate's talked
about me all the time.
I do comedy stuff on TV, uh,
"Parks and Rec" and "Girls"
and, uh, trying to think of
stuff you guys might've seen--
maybe "Trainwreck,"
but you're probably
not old enough for that.
Maybe, um, "Pootie Tang"--
anyway, hey, I'm Nate's dad.
I don't know if we've met, maybe
at a drop-off or something?
I'm gonna grab Nate for,
like, two minutes,
and we'll be
right back, okay?
Hey, Nate, let's go talk for a
sec, I gotta show you something.
What are you guys
workin' on?
Oh, lanyards, I did that when I
was a kid, made some cool ones.
Anyway, great colors,
guys, really good.
Okay, uh
Why don't we actually put our
lanyards down?
It's okay.
As you guys can see,
Alison's rocking,
totally natural response.
I rock a lot
at home
when I'm stressed out.
Um, I want you guys to think
back to a time
before that happened.
Dad, what are you
doing here?
Uh, I need you to learn how
to skate and play hockey.
Dad, we've talked
about this many times.
I don't wanna
play hockey.
I know that's not true.
You and I played hockey
on the stoop so many times
and you loved it.
Dad, I was five!
You need to fill a void
in my life, okay?
I need you to have the youth
hockey experience I never had.
(door opens)
Hey, everything
okay out here?
Nathan, everything okay,
It's, it's fine.
Can I go back
to my friends now?
Of course you can, Nathan.
Listen, we support
and respect
and acknowledge
anything you want to do,
so we invite you
to come back in.
No, I'm actually
pulling him from camp
because you don't
offer hockey here,
and he just told me that
he hates his counselor.
What are you
talking about?
I did not!
Yeah, you did.
Hey, Nathan.
I know you didn't
say that about me.
(door shuts)
What's that guy's deal?
What's with the look?
Total jerk, right?
No, he's not.
No, he's a jerk.
All right,
check this out.
This is for you,
made custom for you-- boom.
Custom made
goalie helmet.
Check this out.
On this side, father-son motif,
playing catch under this, like,
crazy, like, daytime
lightning storm going on.
Your favorite food--
chicken nuggets!
Over on this side,
monster truck.
You like monster
trucks, right?
I'm scared of
monsters, dad.
On the top we got
the megaphone from my show,
and it's going Gear
Super cool, right?
We were gonna put
my credits on the back,
but this is about you.
Go ahead, put it on.
Best part-- we won't have to
blur your whole face now.
Oh, yeah, that is
so cool, man!
Oh, I should've
had one made for me.
On the count of three we're
gonna say "hockey"
and then point with a lot
of attitude-- ready?
One, two, three
Let's hit
the hockey store.
Dad, I don't want to!
No, you're gonna love it.
Hockey's awesome.
(whistle blowing)
I took my son to Pure Hockey
up in New Rochelle, New York,
to gear up for his first
skating lesson.
This is my son, Nathan.
Nathan, nice to meet you, man.
What do we got?
Uh, no, actually, I mean,
it's a sweet helmet,
but he has never skated.
He's gonna learn to skate
so he could play hockey.
He's really
excited about it.
Um, you know, my mommy didn't
give me proper skating lessons,
I was robbed of that
experience as a kid,
and so it's kind of
messed up my life from there,
so I'm trying to be
a really great dad to him
and encourage him to get out
there and try hockey,
so we're looking
to gear him up
to learn how to
skate and play hockey.
All right,
we can do that.
You psyched?
Not really.
He's pumped,
don't worry about it.
He's a little nervous,
but he's pumped.
I'll take your word.
(crowd chanting)
What's the most
expensive stick you have?
Right here.
Who's Crow's Bye?
This is cool,
I like blue.
You sure you don't
like the red?
This is pretty sweet.
That is your favorite color,
not mine.
These are bargain
bin, right?
Don't even bother
with those, son.
Over here,
what's your color?
I like the plain old black.
What about the red?
Red's pretty sweet.
No, dad.
Do you have more of
a fire engine red
so it matches
the nugget box?
Could we go?
Uh, not yet.
Entry level skates are
these guys over here.
Let's not even bother
going down there.
That's what we want,
right there.
Let's try some
shoulder pads on you.
who's there?
Future hockey player,
that's who.
Oh, sweet!
Give me your point,
real tough.
No, no, like, straight,
straight on, just
Lot of attitude,
and hold it, and hold it,
just do like a
And then give me like a,
like a cool face.
Mommy? No, that's not true.
Oh, I'm teaching him
valuable life lessons.
And I'm encouraging him
to follow his passions,
something that you did not do
for me when I was a child.
It might seem like
I'm forcing him
to do something
he doesn't want to do,
but every time he says,
"Daddy, I don't want to
play hockey"
Is everything okay, man?
Yeah, I--
yeah, I guess.
Are you in any, like,
trouble or anything?
No, my dad's just
making me live his dream.
Well, I get a lot of
dads like that in here.
So, I wouldn't worry
too much about it.
Any worse than my dad?
So listen, mommy
All right, good news.
Grandma's going to be
at the lesson,
she's psyched
to watch you skate.
Oh, man, nice!
You pumped?
That's a pretty
sweet lookin' skate.
Uh, sure, dad,
if you say so.
That's a good skate, right?
Yes, sir.
Most expensive one?
It is.
Oh, I'm so pumped.
If they had skates like this
when I was a kid, oh, my God.
You could be a pro
hockey player.
You could be
Some day kids
are gonna come in here
and they're gonna see your
name on a stick,
they're gonna see
your name on a skate,
and then we'll come back and
Dave will be old, right?
And we'll be like,
"Dave, you remember Nate?"
And he'll be like, "Who?"
Because you'll
probably have dementia.
And we'll be like,
"Dave, it's us, Nate and Jon.
You remember us so
many years ago?"
And we'll be like,
"Oh, Dave, oh, God."
Dad, just stop.
"Poor Dave."
I'm sorry.
Dave, I'm so sorry that
you're gonna have dementia
when you get older.
I'm so sorry.
(Nate sighing)
Let's savor this moment even
though he won't remember it.
With my son all geared up,
it was time to hit the ice
and learn how to skate.
Here comes my son
All dressed
in hockey gear
You guys remember
that song?
I put some extra
lyrics to it.
It's funny, right?
Hi, mommy.
Welcome to an afternoon
that I would like to call
"How to be a great,
supportive parent."
I'm glad you
can join and observe.
Maybe you'll learn
something today.
What's up, guys?
Nathan, this is Martin.
He's going to be your
He taught me how to skate,
so how cool is that?
I wish he was around
when I was a kid.
And I also want you to meet
a very special guest.
This is Ron Duguay.
He's a former NHL player.
Played for the Wings.
And the Rangers,
the New York Rangers.
He played for the Rangers
and some other teams,
but he played
for the Wings.
How cool is that?
Okay, but I played
for the Rangers.
And also the Wings.
Yeah, he played
for the Wings
and he's gonna watch
every move you make.
You're gonna have an NHL
former player watching,
how cool is that?
How cool is that, all right?
All right.
All right, you excited to get
out there on the ice?
Let's do it.
All right.
Go for it, Nate.
Go learn to skate!
Dad, I don't want to.
Nathan, if you don't learn
how to skate and play hockey,
trust me when I tell you that
you will take it to your grave.
Your (bleep) grave.
Hi, mommy.
You okay?
Not really.
I don't think we should
force him to skate
if he's not up for it.
I'm sorry, man, I'm,
I'm out of here.
I'm out of here.
Listen, son, your dad's
a little bit of a dick.
Do what you have to do,
all right?
I gotta go because this
is not what I signed up for.
Yeah, fine, go ahead and leave!
Yeah, go ahead, you know, if I
played hockey when I was young,
I would've been in the NHL and
scored more goals than you, man!
(phone ringing)
Hey, babe, what's up?
I got a very panicked
phone call from camp
that you showed up and
kidnapped Nathan?
I had to assure them that
you're just an asshole.
Cool, hon, thanks,
all right, bye.
Thanks for dealing.
Where are you--
Oh, that was mom, she's so
excited about the lesson.
All right, you ready
to get on the ice?
I don't really want to.
It's okay, just go
really slow, take your time.
I know a couple of things
Martin taught me
that I can teach you,
Keep your knees bent
and take your time
and go right to
the middle of the ice
and I'm gonna get a really great
picture to document the moment.
This doesn't feel right, Jon.
Not now, Geary.
Yeah, how's it feel?
Pretty awesome, right?
Go right to the middle
of the ice.
All right, Jon, Jon
Right to the middle
of the ice.
Don't go out to the middle,
Jon, he's not--
Mommy, no.
He can't handle
Mommy, this is not
your moment, mommy.
He's gonna get hurt.
You had your moment with me
and now that
moment's gone.
But he's not you, Jon.
This is my moment with my son.
(both talking at once)
Dad! Dad!
I appreciate the helmet
and the hockey gear.
I really do.
But I really, truly don't
want to play hockey.
Nate, come on, you know
you don't mean that.
That's just
the nuggets talking.
What I really want to do is get
better at playing my ukulele.
(ukulele playing)
I should be at the camp
talent show right now,
playing a song in front
of the entire camp.
If I had done well,
it would've been on my terms.
Maybe my confidence
grows after the talent show,
and maybe I become a musician
and write a song
that inspires
millions of people,
or it inspires
one person,
which counts just as much,
if not more.
That doesn't matter now,
because the talent
show's over.
Who knows what my life's going
to be like after today?
Come on.
Grandma will
take you home.
Jon, you're going to take
this moment to your grave.
(light levers
slamming down)
Your (bleep) grave.
Shut up, Geary.
I just started to realize
that my own behavior,
it was just like
my mommy's behavior,
and that everything I was
doing was my mommy's fault.
Yeah, I don't
(clearing throat)
think that's the takeaway
here, Jon.
Oh, well, I mean, we've made
such good progress in here
and I feel like the more
sessions we do,
it'll allow me to figure out
why my mommy just really--
Okay, you know what?
I think we're good, Jon.
Yeah, you've obviously
made a huge breakthrough
and you're totally cured.
I'm totally cu--
I'm totally cured?
Come here, give me your hand,
give me your hand.
I'm going to show
you something.
I only do this for people
who are totally cured,
and I have never done
this to anyone before.
Totally cured?
Totally cured.
Oh, my God!
So, we're-- now what?
You get to go
and live your life
knowing you're
totally cured.
And you get free guacamole
at any Mexican restaurant
in the world,
Is that only for
totally cured people?
That's right.
Oh, yeah!
Totally cured,
free guac!
Comin' for you,
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Totally cured.
Having conquered
all my mommy issues,
it was time to literally enjoy
the fruits of my labor
in becoming
totally cured.
Hey, how are you?
Good, and you?
Uh, I am here for
the free guacamole.
What are you
talking about?
Uh, totally cured,
free guac, right?
I don't know,
let me ask my boss.
I don't know.
Sure, yeah.
Get the boss man
for that guac.
Get the boss man to sign off.
There's somebody here
What's up, dude?
What's with all this?
I'm here for
the free guac.
Um, we have guac,
but you have to pay for it.
But I'm totally cured.
You don't see that?
I, I see that, um, but I don't
know what that means.
Come on, dude, right?
I, I've no idea
what that means.
All right, I guess, uh, no sweat
off my totally cured dick.
You might want to
get with the program, man.
When a totally cured
person comes in,
you give 'em free guac,
that's kind of how it works.
Let's go find a place
that knows what's up.
Let's do this, guys,
let's go get that free guac!
All right!
Let's find that guac!
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