Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e04 Episode Script


Hey, what's up?
Welcome to the "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" edit.
It's a little
chilly outside today,
which is why I'm wearing
this jacket.
This is my
Patagonia Houdini,
easily one of my
favorite jackets.
This thing is so sweet,
I love it.
Sweet hood,
nice and light.
Sweet, little pocket right here
that the jacket stuffs into.
Anyway, before we start
today's episode,
we just wanted to get
you caught up on a few things.
If you've been following
the show,
you know that my real wife
doesn't want to be on-camera,
which I totally respect
because I'm a great
husband and a feminist.
So I hired an actress
to portray her.
And after
last episode's incident
at my son's summer camp where
I showed up unannounced,
I also had to hire
actors to portray my kids.
I'm also not allowed to shoot
at my real home anymore,
so we rented a new
place and it is sick!
(no voice)
We're the Glasers!
All right, hopefully that got
you all caught up.
Let's start the episode.
(gulping loudly)
Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear"
(barking echoes)
Oh, I know,
what a good girl, I know.
Oh, I know.
So, for one weekend a month,
my family
and I dog sit
for our neighbor,
he's in the army reserve
and he's a real patriot,
and by caring
for his dog
I feel like I'm serving
my country as well.
Now, for some reason
he stupidly does not have
a lot of cool gear
for his dog,
so I've taken it upon myself
to outfit the dog
with some
pretty sweet stuff.
Got this kick-ass pack,
it's got a good harness
with a handle on the back.
The leash attaches to the back,
it's very comfortable.
It's got four cool pockets.
We've got this very cool,
collapsible water bowl,
and look how cool that is,
I know, it folds up so tiny
and goes right back in one
of the cool pockets
on your harness,
I know, it's so cool, I know.
And then I've got
some cool gear of my own.
Got this pretty sweet fanny
pack, two water bottles,
I got my own
thermos right here,
this is a regular
water bottle right here.
This is for rain to put
the water in your bowl,
I know, in your cool,
collapsible bowl.
And we're gonna
have so much fun.
Let's go meet some other dogs
and see their gear, I know.
Come on, let's go, Rain.
Rain and I headed out to
the park to talk to people
about their dogs and their gear,
I know, we did.
She's a mutt.
She's a full-bred mutt.
New York "Times"
subscription poo bag.
Sure, smart.
Oh, I know.
This little guy, uh, we got
this, we were in Prague.
I think intended
to be a treat bag.
Oh, I know.
Yeah, this is
a cool leash.
I like this little piece
right here, it's kind of neat.
Oh, I know.
This one's pretty cool,
it's got a little bit of a
Stretch, wow.
Regular Frisbees and some
plastic Frisbees
rip up the dog's mouth,
so you end up with a bloody
disc after a few minutes.
Bloody disc.
I like the sound of that.
Oh, I know.
Look at that.
And then just
a cool bottle.
Oh, I know.
Boop, boop, boop.
And boop.
Oh, I know.
Good girl, you're so
thirsty, I know,
we saw so many
cute dogs today,
and we also saw a lot
of really cool gear.
I like that one guy's
Czechoslovakian yellow bag,
that was pretty cool.
Oh, come on, dude,
No, hey, no, no, no!
Sir, sir!
Excuse me.
You didn't pick up after
your dog, come on, man.
Sorry, I didn't
realize he pooped.
Right where you
left it, come on.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Yeah, okay.
that drives me nuts.
Yeah, there it is,
thank you.
Are you (bleep) kidding me?
Are you (bleep)?
You know what,
I'm not gonna do it.
Rain, I'm not gonna do it,
I'm walking away.
I'm walking away because
if I go confront that guy
I'm gonna lose my temper,
I'm gonna look like
the crazy person,
so I'm not
gonna do it, okay?
I said something,
that's better than not
saying something, right?
Right, Rain?
I tried,
I said something.
Right? I know,
I said something, I know.
(man shouting)
Could've been
nicer about that!
Okay, guys, how are we
gonna get this guy, right?
We gotta nail this guy,
we gotta stick it to him!
Honey, the guy obviously
doesn't care
and he probably
won't change his mind.
Maybe you just need to
let it go.
Uh, we are Glasers, and Glasers
don't let things go.
That is the Glaser way,
What if we did
a hidden camera show
where we caught people who
didn't pick up their dog poop?
We can call it
"(Bleep) Shamers".
Yeah, not bad.
Jon, what if you let
the poop dry out and harden
and then use it as a club
and beat him with it?
Yeah, I mean, I like
the idea of that.
I'd love to do
that to this guy,
but I think we gotta
think of something
a little more
subtle, okay?
Let's come up
with subtle ideas.
I got it!
I headed over to Eagle Street
Rooftop Farm in Brooklyn
and met with co-founder
Annie Novak
to get her advice
about my plan.
I'm going to grow tomatoes
I'm gonna use his dog (bleep)
to be the fertilizer,
present the tomatoes
to my neighbor and say,
"Hey, you know, I'm sorry
that I yelled at you
several months ago,"
or however long ago it takes
to grow tomatoes,
you know what I'm saying?
And he'll say,
"Oh, you're a cool guy,
thanks for doing that,"
and he'll take a bite
and I'll be like,
"In your face, dude!
You're eating your
dog (bleep)!"
Got it.
Sweet plan, right?
Yeah, kind of.
I mean, where did you read that
it was okay to use dog manure
to fertilize
I didn't read it
Poo is poo,
am I right?
There's a category of animals
where it's okay
and there's a category
of animals
where you're gonna get
a lot of bacteria and pathogens
you don't want to mess with.
Oh, even better.
Plus, super salty.
Even better.
These are bad for the guy,
even better.
If he's potentially
going to ingest, like,
some disgusting bacteria
or whatever
Hmm, yeah.
I don't want him to die.
But I would like him to suffer.
Yeah, yeah,
that might work.
With my plan in place,
it was time to check out some
sweet gardening gear.
This is, uh, that's a regular,
standard hoe,
this is a scuffle hoe.
So if you're,
if you're trying to weed,
you just-- you lightly
flip your wrist,
and this is a knife blade,
and it chops the weed.
This'll be good if you put
your banjo music on, right?
Exactly, exactly.
(imitating banjo)
(banjo playing)
That's a--
that's a flat rake.
No I gotta say, I love
this long handle.
It's pretty cool.
You can kind of
pick your poison.
This is a harvest knife.
You can either
Hopefully in
a leather holster,
not in your actual pocket.
Yeah, I for sure
want some of these
because when I grow
the tomatoes, right?
You gotta prune 'em, yeah.
All right, Annie, well, I think
that about covers it all.
Thank you very much.
A pleasure.
See you on
the other side.
Oh, I know.
After my consultation
at Eagle Street Rooftop Farm,
I started my own home garden,
and 94 days later
my revenge tomatoes
were ready.
Oh, I know, I know.
Yeah, we're about to teach
this ass(bleep) a lesson.
Yeah, I know, right?
Hey, what do you think about
my gardening outfit?
It's pretty nice, right?
I know, I got these
really cool overalls
and I got these cool boots,
and these really super cool
pruning shears, I know.
And look at this, I know, it's
a really nice cooling bandana.
You put it in water and put it
in the fridge and get it cold
and then it goes
around your neck
and it keeps you
so comfortable when it's hot.
I know, it's so cool, I know.
Jon, why do you always
say "I know" to dogs?
I don't know.
(Rain barks)
I know, I don't know.
I know, I don't know,
I know.
Why don't you ever
tell me "I know"?
I don't know, Gear-i,
what's the big deal?
It's not a big deal,
I'm just curious.
Okay, well, if it's not a big
deal, then just drop it.
I'm trying to focus
on the tomatoes.
Tell me "I know," Jon.
Shut up, Gear-i.
I'll shut up when you
tell me "I know".
Well, I'm not going to tell
you "I know," so shut up.
How hard is it
to just say "I know"?
Gear-i-- you're comparing
yourself to a dog.
Is that what you think you are?
'Cause if you do,
I'll treat you like one.
Here's some treats!
There, you're a dog.
You happy?
Eat your treats!
Oh, you can't eat them?
I know, you can't eat them
because you're not a dog.
Now shut up.
Jesus, Jon.
Now let's go get revenge.
With a basket of finely
cultivated tomatoes,
I was ready
to unleash my plan
and turn this poo-frown
upside "brown".
You guys ready?
Let's do this.
(doorbell chiming)
Here he comes.
Hi, um
I don't know
if you remember me.
I confronted you on the street
right across the way there
about a few months ago about
not pickin' up your dog's poop.
Yeah, yeah,
I remember you.
What's with all
the cameras?
Uh, I am making
a documentary, uh,
it's about myself, I'm dealing
with a lot of anger issues,
and I'm trying
to become a better person
and I'm apologizing to all
the people that I've hurt,
presenting you with
a basket of tomatoes
as a gesture of goodwill
and a gesture of apology
and as a way
to say I'm sorry.
Yeah, okay, sure.
You know, you were kind of
a dick about the whole thing
so I appreciate
the apology and, you know,
good luck on bettering yourself
or whatever it is you're doing.
Actually, wait, wait,
if you don't mind maybe
just doing--
taking a bite of the tomato
just so we can
capture it on camera,
just so we get that moment
and we can, you know,
we'll shake hands
after and
Just to have it for the film,
for the documentary.
It'll be a really
nice scene.
I'm not sure if you've seen
a lot of documentaries.
It'll just be, it'll just be--
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
I'll do it, why not?
Is there a camera where
you want to play it to?
Does it matter?
Just like this?
Yeah, and a big, juicy,
a big, juicy bite
All right.
for the emotion
of the apology.
Okay, all right, here we go.
You ready?
Yeah, dude!
In your (bleep) face,
That's what you get for not
picking up your dog (bleep)!
What are you
talking about?
You didn't pick up
your dog (bleep), right?
Guess who did?
Me! I took that dog (bleep)
home and I started a garden.
I used the dog (bleep) as
fertilizer for the garden,
so I grew these tomatoes
with your dog (bleep).
Your dog (bleep)
is in your stomach now.
How's it taste, dick?
What the hell are you
talking about?
I'm talking about you just
ate your dog's (bleep).
That's what I'm
talking about!
Dude, you're totally
burned, dude.
Let's get this
guy some Neosporin.
We got any Neosporin,
If we don't,
find a deli,
'cause this guy is covered
in burns right now.
Yeah, whatever, man.
Fertilizer's fertilizer.
You should sell these.
You were great on "Girls,"
by the way.
My revenge may not
have gone on as planned,
but I realized I was
on to something
with these
delicious tomatoes,
so I designed an app
called "Poo-Dar".
The way it works is
anytime you see
some (bleep)-ing
D-bag A-hole
not picking up
his dog (bleep),
you simply enter
the location,
and once I receive
coordinates, I'm on my way.
Then I come pick it up using
G.Poo.S. technology
collecting it
with custom-made
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
poop bags.
So whether it's a small
corner of your neighborhood,
or right in the middle
of the big city,
every poop is safely secured and
transported back to my garden
where I add it
to my fertilizer
and continue the cycle
of growing my delicious
dog (bleep) tomatoes
that you, the public,
now get to enjoy.
With produce it's all
about the presentation.
Got it.
Would you like to try one?
Oh, no, that's okay.
Can you tell me a little bit
about your tomato sign?
I mean, I'll show you,
they're really delicious.
(pretend gagging)
Mmm, so good.
Very similar to
farm to table,
this is called
ass to mouth.
There's a lot that
happens in between,
but when you boil it
down to its essence,
that's basically
what's going on.
Ass to mouth, all right.
Some people, this--
you have to understand,
you're dealing with--
shredding, dude!
I've got an app that you can
download on your phone.
If you ever see someone
that doesn't pick up
their dog (bleep),
you enter the app,
punch in the coordinates,
I will then go and
collect that (bleep),
I'm doing it
all over the city.
It's one of those moments
where you realize,
this is what I was
put on earth to do.
Will you put some more
toothpicks in all the samples?
All right.
Oh, my God,
there's my family.
You guys!
Leslie, kids!
Are you guys
comin' to visit?
What are you guys
doing here?
We're not "here," we're going
to camp, remember?
Oh, right,
have fun at camp!
I was up-- I gave both you
kisses before I left.
Nathan, you remember Charlie?
He's playing you in the show.
Yeah, we're good, okay.
Hey, what are we doing
for dinner tonight?
Will you make
Just le--
less lemon this time.
And let's do a dark beer.
Would you pick
some up for me?
I'm going to be busy
until I get home.
Bye, you guys!
I love you!
Not you on the bike--
my kids, but you're cute!
Sorry, sweetie, just--
(phone vibrates)
Wait, hold on one second.
Got another call.
New poo reported--
the corner of Prospect Park
West and 11th Avenue.
All right, Gear-i,
not a moment to lose.
Jon, can we talk about when you
threw the dog food at me?
Maybe later, Gear-i.
Let's go!
I was feeling really good
about turning a negative
into such a giant positive
for the community.
By keeping
our streets clean,
while also delivering
a quality product,
I was really making
a difference,
becoming a true
neighborhood hero, and--
what the (bleep)?
All right, Andy, thank you
for helping with this project.
I want to prank this guy hard
and fill him with shame, okay?
What I wanna do is set a fake
dog poop on his property,
right on his porch,
and when he comes out to get it
and he goes to grab it,
it starts moving
around and just, like,
messes with his head.
So, how can we
accomplish this?
So far, I've done this.
Oh, so, this is,
this is a giant poo?
That's a big poo.
And it's an albino poo?
That will, uh,
eventually look like this,
which is, you know,
getting there.
All right, so this is
where the
the GoPro?
The burn cam.
I don't have,
like, a brown--
did you guys just
prank me with a brown ring
around my eye right now?
Yeah, look at that.
You catch him
in the act.
Get some cool shots,
The great thing about
this car, though,
it can be controlled
by Gear-i.
So that's where
the remote control is.
Gear-i, you psyched
to be part of the plan?
I'd like to talk about
when you threw dog foo--
Great, uh, all right, Andy,
I am pumped to get back
at this ass(bleep).
Thank you very much.
Let's do this.
Let's do this.
(doorbell chiming)
Hey, that looks like
the mask from "Delocated".
Does this mean you're doing
more episodes?
Sounds cool.
They'd be stupid
not to do that.
Oh, he saw.
Jon, I'd really
love to talk about
when you threw
the dog food at me.
Shut up, Gear-i.
(man mumbling)
What the (bleep)?
Go get it, ass(bleep)
Get it-- reach for it,
reach for it,
reach for it,
reach for it, yeah.
Reach for it.
Hey, ass(bleep).
Pick up your dog (bleep)
next time!
It's me! It's me!
Come on, Rain.
(Rain whimpering)
Are you okay?
Are you okay, Rain?
We're dealing
with someone
that does not pick up
his dog's poop,
so already you know you're
dealing with a guy
that doesn't care
about the community,
about other people,
and I confronted him once
and he just didn't care,
so that's when I put that
revenge plan into place
where I picked up his dog's poop
that he didn't want to pick up
and I used it to
fertilize these tomatoes
that took me months
to grow to get perfect
I went to his place
and I apologized to him
for screaming at him about
not picking up his dog poop.
I overreacted,
He was like,
"All right, thank you,"
and he took the tomato
and took a bite.
did not get the response
I thought I would get.
I was hoping
he'd be all
great product here.
These dog (bleep) tomatoes.
Guy, again, still not
picking up his dog (bleep).
It had steam, it had steam
coming out of it.
chasing us
with a baseball bat.
And we were so scared
for our lives
and when we were running away,
that's when Rain got hurt.
So, I mean,
what are we
What's she
dealing with here?
It looks like
the working diagnosis
is a mild to moderate, uh,
possible disc herniation.
Now, sometimes
these things
I couldn't believe my ears.
I was seething with rage.
If Rain wasn't able to walk
again, so help me god,
I vowed to myself
right then and there
that I would do anything
I can to murder
that scumbag piece of--
So we can put her in a cart.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Get something kind of
I don't know how cool
it will look,
but you know, we're really
dealing with the
Oh, it's going
to look cool.
It's gear--
and gear looks cool.
Now, don't get me wrong,
I wasn't happy
that Rain was hurt, but at least
there'd be gear involved.
All right, doc, you can,
uh, you can stop talking,
you made your point.
You pulled a Jerry McGuire
and had me--
Well, make her look cool,
I know,
you're gonna
look so cool.
You're gonna
look so cool.
We're gonna turn these
lemons into gear-monade.
Oh, I know.
Rain and I headed over
to Water 4 Dogs
so she could start
her first round
of physical therapy.
Good girl,
that's okay.
Oh, I know, I know,
it's okay.
Hi, how are you?
Good, how are you?
This is Rain?
This is Rain.
Hi, baby.
So, I know that you're coming
today because she has
suffered an injury recently,
she broke her back.
Can you tell me a little
bit about that?
Rain is, I think,
doing okay, um
She was unfortunately
injured, um,
I don't think
it's hyperbole to say
that it was an act
of terrorism.
We were 100% innocent
of any wrongdoing and this
guy, just for no reason,
attacked us.
So in our escape,
trying to save our lives,
she hurt her back.
I'm sorry to hear that.
So me too, me too.
Well, let's go ahead
and get her started.
I'd like to get her
on the underwater treadmill
and see how she does.
We'll take it slow and we'll
go from there, okay?
I think that sounds great.
Are you ready?
I know, it's gonna be so fun
to get better, I know.
Knowing we were
in good hands with Jennifer,
it was time to start
a little hydrotherapy.
It's okay, good girl.
Good girl.
Good girl, Rain,
good girl.
She's doing great.
We will show you how to do
passive techniques, like,
passive range of motion
and stretching
Are you okay?
I'm okay.
Don't worry,
she's doing great
and she's going
to be fine, okay?
I don't know if
I'm going to be fine.
Just as Rain and I were both
starting to feel a little better
about everything,
it was time
to say good-bye.
Good-bye, Rain.
See ya next month.
So, yeah, I mean,
this guy just refuses
to pick up his dog poop and
I'm like, "Hey," very politely,
"Come on, man,
you should pick that up."
He snaps, goes into a rage,
runs in his house,
gets a baseball bat,
attacks me and Rain,
and that's when Rain
hurt her back.
I'll (bleep)
kill this guy.
With your
military training
there's no doubt
in my mind you could.
Oh, by the way,
that's his house.
Is that crazy?
Oh, you know what?
Oh, what do you know,
here he comes now.
Funny timing.
Anyway, here's the cart, you
should be all good-- whoa, man!
You can do a lot of damage
with this thing, right?
Oh, yeah, you can hurt
someone with that.
Anyway, there you go.
I'll see you
next month, man.
Be good.
Bye, Rain!
What's up?
(loud thud, beep)
Here, you wanna go work on
that plant over there?
That one?
Have fun.
How's the watering going,
You know, the more water
these plants get,
they're gonna grow
big and strong
with some of
the sunlight as well,
and they're gonna turn into
these big, beautiful,
plump, delicious
red tomatoes,
and when they're ready
we take them to the market
and then we sell
them to people.
Hey, sweetie,
what's up?
Have you seen the news?
No, what?
Wow, that's, uh,
that's horrible.
Daddy, that's the man
you were angry with?
That's right, honey, I know,
it is, yeah, how sad for him.
How terrible,
that is so sad.
How sad for that man,
I know.
Kids do you
want to come inside?
Okay, mom.
Yeah, you go inside
with mommy, I know,
that sounds
like a fun idea,
and daddy can work
out here by himself
and think about that poor,
sad man who died, I know.
How terrible
for that poor man
who opened his big mouth,
I know
You need help.
For the garden?
I know.
Yeah, I could use a couple of
guys to help here, I know.
Couple people to help
get the tomatoes, I know.
We could take 'em and keep
selling 'em, I know.
That'd be so nice.
And then I'd have some
people to talk to about
the poor, sad man
who died, I know.
You deserve what you get
that's coming to you,
even if it's something
extreme or bad, I know.
Some people are just
when they decide
to be so stubborn
and then look
what happens.
That's just how life
goes sometimes.
You make certain choices,
I know.
And then you have to sometimes
suffer the consequences
of those choices,
and sometimes the consequences
means dying, I know,
or getting beaten to death,
oh, I know, I know.
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