Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e05 Episode Script


Got a couple of Jacks--
Uh, do you have
any sevens?
Nah, go fish.
Okay, well, seeing as how
today's episode
of "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" is fishing,
you're goddamn
right I will!
it's more
than a sport,
it's a way of
connecting to yourself.
The patience, the meditation,
and of course,
the gear.
I asked champion
bass fisherman Woo Daves
if he'd spend
a day with me
and show me the ins and outs of
this time-honored tradition
of the great outdoors.
Hey, Woo.
Hey, Jon.
Thank you very much for, uh,
joining us here today.
Maybe we can learn a little bit
about fishing today.
Maybe we're gonna learn a little
bit about each other today.
That'll work.
We'll find out
who's teaching who.
Maybe it'll be
one of those, like,
"I thought I was
teaching him,
but actually,
he was teaching me."
One way or another we're
gonna learn something.
I think I got a pretty sweet
fishing outfit going on.
I got my waders, I got
a pretty sweet shirt,
a nice vest, quality sunhat,
some sweet shades,
I got my buff, keep me
all protected from the sun.
Now, do you ever wear
something like this?
Oh, yeah, your buff is an
excellent piece of gear.
See, I would just wear this
just going to the beach.
Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you
my kids don't like it.
I wanna show you
something, Woo.
You know that old cartoon,
"The Happy Fisherman"?
Uh, not really.
It's a drawing of a fisherman
and he's just kind of
standing out there
and he's fishing,
and he's just smiling,
he looks happy, right?
But below the water is
a fish kind of, you know,
suckin' his
(imitates muffled horn).
So this is my take
on an old classic--
"The Happy Fisherman 2016!"
I thought about calling it
"Catch and Full Release."
Now, instead of him
getting it from the fish,
he's giving it
to the fish
from behind, and he's also
getting a reach-around
from this fish,
and he's looking pretty,
"Oh, boy!
What's goin' on?"
And then the worm here
is like, "Uh-oh!"
That's why you don't want
to have your waders on.
Maybe I'll take
these off, man.
Get a little plesch.
This is something
we kind of rigged up,
putting a GoPro
on a lure.
So hopefully one of the fish,
if it'll bite this,
pretty kick-ass
shot, right?
(heavy metal music)
Let's say you're out
there in your boat,
you got a little bite,
you get it up
to your boat,
Creature from the
Black Lagoon comes out.
Are you gonna
pull out a gun
or are you going
hand-to-hand on that guy?
I'm probably gonna cut
the line and let him go.
Now, you know, my old gear
expert, uh, who
There's a lot of times
I really miss this guy.
I had a sidekick
and I had to fire him.
He, uh, he (bleep)
my wife.
Steve taught me
that if someone's coming
at you and you have a knife,
just go right for
the femoral artery
and then watch him
bleed out.
Then I'll probably put one in
his neck and see what happens.
Let's go fish.
Let's go.
They say I was fishing alone
and a fish broke way over there.
I would probably
go overhand like that.
Woo! Yeah.
Woo's expert guidance was truly
helping me understand
how fishing
transcended the gear.
There we go.
There you go.
You did everything
right that time.
I was slowly becoming one
with my surroundings,
and I was ready to handle
whatever mother nature
threw my way.
Sweet cast, Woo.
Here we go!
Fish on, fish on!
Come here
What the hell is that?
what you got, Jon?
What the hell?
A Sealline Baja bag.
I mean,
it's a kick-ass bag.
I hope there's
money in there.
That's weird.
"We have your family."
Who's that from?
That doesn't look good.
That's my daughter.
That's my son.
That's my wife.
Hey, and that's the Happy
Fisherman-- he's everywhere.
What the (bleep)
going on here?
(chuckling echoes)
Oh, sweetie,
what's wrong?
Oh, my God, I just had
the craziest dream.
It was about fishing
So much cool gear
and then it just got weird.
I don't-- I can't-- I don't
think I can go fishing now
for this episode.
It's gonna be fine.
Go back to bed.
You love gear.
Okay, you're right,
you're right, I love gear.
It was just a dream.
I love gear.
Oh, I love gear, I love gear,
it's just a dream
My wife was right,
I love gear.
(bleep) love gear
so much.
So I headed over to Capitol
Fishing Tackle company.
No metaphysical
mumbo-jumbo here.
Just a lot of super cool
deep sea fishing gear.
Hey, Jon.
Eric, nice to meet you.
Eric, thank you so much
for showing me
some of this
deep sea fishing stuff.
I've never done it, I'm really
kind of psyched to try it.
It seems like there's
already a lot of cool gear here.
Uh, why don't you start
showing me what we got?
Yeah, I mean,
it all depends on
what kind of fishing
you want to do.
So, you wanna do the biggest,
baddest stuff you can?
Yeah yeah.
You grab something like
Something that, you know,
if we were gonna go outside
and start pullin' cars,
this would be it.
This thing is a monster.
You can catch tuna with that,
you can catch shark.
And this is proper
technique, right?
You just put it
on your thigh,
you lean back and you just like,
crank (moaning) right?
Oh, absolutely not, no.
No, no, no.
Give me the tip of it,
hold it like you're fishin'.
Do your little,
you know
and pull up.
Oh (bleep) yeah.
Oh wow!
These things are
That is cool.
unbelievably strong.
I want to turn this
thing into a guitar, man.
I just immediately went to,
like, this kind of stance.
You just kind of
Jimmy Buffet it and roll out.
This would be
I think a little more
like deep, heavy,
like, let's just create a new
genre called Fish Metal?
Yeah, man.
(mimicking distorted guitar)
Well, I already got
the name of the first album.
It's going to be "Goin' Deep".
There's a fishing area
we go to a lot
and it houses a lot
of tuna, a lot of sharks,
it's called
The Glory Hole.
That could be the name
of your first song.
Glory hole,
comin' at you
Drop my line
and reel 'em in
And then we get soft
with that song, and then
Glory hole
Sweet little glory hole
(mimics loud guitar)
Anyway, this is
a kick-ass rod, man.
You (bleep) idiot.
If I get into fishing,
I'd be, you know,
my motto is
gonna be like,
"Let's bring the excitement
back to the cast."
You know?
And one of the things I'd
always thought would be fun
is when you cast your line,
to just scream, you know?
Just bring it way back
and then unload with a
Another fishing
dream, honey?
Yeah, I mean, there's
there's a lot of cool gear
but I don't wanna go
on the ocean.
There's too-- I have
no desire to do that.
Way too scary.
I want nice
and quiet, just
small boat, small lake,
me and my son.
Just the two of us
together, fishing,
he's catching
his first fish.
That sounds perfect,
that's all I need.
That's all I want--
just quiet, me and my son
It turns out that
all the anxiety I was having
about the fishing episode
wasn't about gear at all.
It was about spending some
quality time with my son.
So, uh, you excited to go
fishing with dad?
Classic father-son
catch your first
fish with the old man?
I already caught
my first fish.
What are you talking about?
No, you haven't.
Yeah, I did, at Steve and Amy's
lake house last year.
You couldn't go.
Don't you remember?
I sent you that picture.
It was really sweet.
(phone dings, male voice)
Pulling up picture now, Jon.
You caught your first fish
with someone else's dad.
Yep. We had a blast!
With Steve,
my old sidekick?
The man who betrayed
my trust?
Are you gonna yell again
like when we play Go Fish?
No, I'm not
gonna yell again!
Tell me this
isn't happening.
Someone wake me from this
(bleep) nightmare.
I mean, where was
I that I couldn't go?
Don't you remember?
You were getting your "World's
Greatest Dad" mug appraised.
Well, this mug clearly dates
back to the Ming Dynasty,
very valuable.
I would estimate in the mid
to high six figures.
Oh, my God.
Oh, and look--
on the bottom of the mug
is a drawing of a father
and son fishing.
First my wife, now my son.
Betrayed again
by my sidekick.
Well, now it was my turn
to betray my fist
all over his (bleep) face.
(door opens)
What's up,
Long time, no see, man.
How's it hanging?
I'm not your
sidekick anymore.
What are you guys doing?
Did you take
my son fishing?
Did you take my
son fish ing?
What-- like last summer?
No, 80 million B.C.
Yeah, last summer!
Jon, can you turn the light off?
Did you ever once think,
"Hey, you know what?
"Maybe I shouldn't do this.
"Am I robbing a child
of the opportunity
"of having the experience
of catching his first fish
with his actual father,
and also my boss?"
What are you
doing here?
What are you
doing here?
Steve is teaching me
how to shave.
Go wait in the car.
But-- why?
Go wait in the car.
It's cool,
I'm certified.
Hey, is that a fish
on your dick?
Honey, I just had
the craziest dream.
Jon Glaser came over
to our house at like,
two in the morning.
And he had a fish
on his dick.
You mean that fish?
That's the one.
You wanna help me
get it off?
I was thinking
the exact same thing.
(computer voice)
Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up,
Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up,
Jon, wake up,
Jon, wake up,
Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up,
Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up,
Jon, wake up,
Jon, wake up, Jon--
What time is it?
It's early, just, um
just go back to bed, I'm gonna
get up and go to work.
This is Jon Glaser
calling for Angel.
This is Angel.
Hey, what's goin' on?
Just checkin' in.
Hey, Jon, heard the fishing
episode's going well.
Well, yeah, we got a lot of
really good fishing coverage,
really fun to shoot, I mean,
I've been having
a couple of weird dreams
the last couple of days, but
Oh, no.
other than that,
things have been,
I think, going great.
Well, let me ask really quick.
Are we-- do you know, did we get
cleared to show Jewish butt?
Yeah, we were able
to clear it.
So we're good to go.
That's great news,
thank you very much.
All right, I'll call you back.
Talk to you later.
All right, bye.
Great news, everybody!
We can show
Jewish butt!
(all cheering)
Yeah, great job,
Jewish butt!
Jewish butt! Jewish butt!
Jewish butt!
Are you okay?
You've been saying
some weird stuff.
Oh, God.
I've just been
having, like
crazy bad dreams
all night, like,
one after the other, after
the other, after the other,
like, nonstop.
I don't know why
I'm having so much anxiety
about this
fishing episode.
am I a good father?
Of course you're
a good father.
I don't feel like I am.
Garmin Striker 7SV!
Okay, Jon, did you just
interject product placement
for an inland fish finder,
GPS combo
in the middle of fake crying
about being a good father?
I'm sorry, could we just--
let's talk for a second.
That's not your line.
Your line is
"Mmm," you know, "Product
placement gets me all hot."
And then we have sex and
we have a simultaneous orgasm.
So, let's just go back--
can we just go back and
get the line?
'Cause that wasn't
your line.
I know that
wasn't my line.
And this also
is not my line.
(evil incantation)
You're a sell-out.
Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.
Jon, sweetie,
it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
You were tossing and turning,
talking in your sleep.
It's okay.
I've been having all these
bad dreams all night.
I had a dream where
Steve taught our son to
to fish and to shave.
I dreamt that I showed
Jewish butt.
I dreamt that you
called me a sell-out,
but it wasn't you, it was
the actress who plays you,
right up until the very end
and then it switched to you
and you're the one
that called me a sell-out.
I just-- I feel like
I'm losing my mind.
Sweetie, oh, my God,
you are so not a sell-out.
Hey, you do everything you can
to support this family, right?
You're a wonderful father,
and a great husband.
Hey, hey, remember--
look at me-- remember,
I had decided to let the cameras
in because I felt so bad
about giving you such a hard
time about it at the beginning?
This is real, right here,
this is real, you're awake,
you're home.
I mean, it feels real,
but how do I, how do I know?
Everything has felt real
up to this point, everything.
Let me show you.
It's so perfect.
Shay fly rods-- perfecting
performance since 1980!
(shouting and
woman's moan echoes)
I wasn't about to let
all these crazy dreams
deter me from
the task at hand.
The fishing episode was never
supposed to be about
learning to fish, or even
catching a fish with my son.
For me, it was about
the simplicity
of spending some quality time
alone in the great outdoors
and enjoying
all that sweet, sweet
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
(Jon's fake son)
I already caught my first fish.
(Jon's fake wife)
You're a wonderful father.
Man, that's a happy fisherman
(people chanting)
Jewish butt! Jewish butt!
Jewish butt!
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Gear! (echo)
Excuse me.
What do you guys think
you're doing?
Acting like an annoying
asshole, that's what.
(exhaling deeply)
Oh, man,
let this be real.
Please, please,
no more dreams, please.
(exhaling deeply)
Mr. Glaser,
all set for you.
Oh, thank you, Daniel.
"A River Orgasms Through It"
scene five, take one-- mark.
(clapboard claps)
I need somebody to come grab
my fly and hold my rod.
This is what
I call fishin'.
Oh, grab that rod.
Yeah, work that rod.
Now cast it.
Grab that rod.
Are you okay?
You've been tossing
and turning.
Yeah, yeah, I was
having a bad dream.
Yeah, thanks for
waking me up.
I'm just gonna get up.
Go back to sleep, okay?
I'm sorry I went fishing
with someone else's dad
before fishing with you.
I feel bad.
Oh, you shouldn't,
I'm over it at this point.
You know, I'm just glad
we have the opportunity
to fish together and I can
catch my first fish,
and it'll be
a special moment.
Thanks, daddy.
No, your line,
your line, is
"I love you, daddy.
I love you, daddy."
But why would I say that
if you're not my daddy?
I know, but we're just
pretending, you know,
that's what acting is, so you
just pretend I'm your dad.
Say, "I love you, daddy."
I love you, daddy.
All right, that was,
that was good,
but just a little more emotion,
like, a little more like,
we need to believe it.
I love you, daddy.
All right, do you love
your real daddy?
All right, well, just pretend
I'm your real daddy
and you're telling your real
daddy "I love you," okay?
My dad died in Iraq.
He was Special Ops.
Well, first of all,
I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's terrible,
and sad and-- wow,
oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
And I'm really
sorry that our
producers did not inform me
of this ahead of time.
Anyway, um
It's okay, I mean,
you wouldn't know.
I mean
What happened?
(mimics explosion)
Jesus Christ.
Land mine? RPG?
Did a sniper get him?
You know what,
let's drop it.
You don't want to
talk about it.
I'm so sorry.
I appreciate
your concern.
No pun intended, but thank you
for letting me off the hook.
I can definitely tell
he's proud of me.
There's no doubt in my mind
that he's proud of you.
When I found out that I was
going to be doing this job,
I told my family and they're
like, "Oh, my God!
Jon Glaser?"
And I'm like,
"Yes, the king of comedy!"
I mean
You're amazing.
Right now I should be
paying homage to you, so
I appreciate that.
I'd be so happy if I got
a selfie with you.
Um, we could maybe
do one after.
You're amazing.
Thank you.
Excuse me if I've already
said that, but I can't--
Say it as many times as you
want-- I can't hear it enough.
Exactly, I can't
say it too many times.
I mean, you are amazing.
Well, for as many times
as you say I'm amazing,
I'm sorry about your dad.
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