Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e06 Episode Script


Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
Candy corn!
Baseball is one of
my favorite sports.
It was a big part
of my childhood.
I played little league
as well as a couple of years
of high school ball.
I played centerfield,
which is basically captain
of the outfield.
Yeah, I bat at leadoff,
I had some pretty serious wheels
on the base path.
Point being, I have a lot of
wisdom to impart,
so I thought it would be cool
for "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
to sponsor a little league team
where I could serve
as both coach and mentor
to some kids
about America's pastime.
I decided to hit the batting
cage for a little BP
to polish my skills so I could
make a good impression
on these kids.
You know, it's hot.
I see ya.
It's like, 110.
Yeah, I'm just gettin'
a good stretch in.
Yeah, you gotta do that.
It'll be worth the wait,
trust me.
I can't wait.
What's with all the cameras?
What is this?
It's a reality show, it's called
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear".
That's me.
All right, here we go.
the batter is up, thank God.
I'm trying to focus
on batting, thank you.
Oh, please, focus.
I'll let the first one go
and get my timing down.
(sighing deeply)
Waggle your bat some more
and stay loose in your stance.
Shut up and stop
distracting me, Gear-i.
Hey, batter, batter,
wanna see some naked
pictures of your wife?
Part of becoming a good
batter is learning
to deal with outside
like obnoxious fans.
Well, part of being
a gear-centric app
is learning when
to shut the (bleep) up.
(eerie whisper)
Eases pain
Stop talking, Gear-i.
I didn't say anything.
Eases pain
You're not hearing that.
Hearing what?
You say that?
Say what?
Eases pain.
You're not hearing
that voice?
You talkin' to your phone,
now you're hearing
"Field of Dream" voices?
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Could you do me a favor?
Speed it up, okay?
My kid's been waitin'
an hour to bat.
(Bleep) sucker.
What he say now?
"If you build it,
they will come"?
Uh, it said
(bleep) sucker.
It was the voice.
Yeah, you're an asshole,
you're an asshole.
Right, call me an asshole
for saying (bleep) sucker.
That makes sense.
Your show's gonna
get cancelled!
Yeah, we'll, see--
you'll be can--
I'll cancel you!
None of you guys
heard that?
Dave, seriously,
you didn't hear anything?
So none of you heard
any of that?
Gear-i, I mean, this is
like classic father-son
"Field of Dreams" stuff,
I've never
seen that movie.
You never saw
"Field of Dreams"?
No, Jon,
tell me about it.
It's all about-- it's got
father-son issues,
the son has these unresolved
issues with his dad
and they play
catch at the end.
I mean--
I'll watch it.
[bell dings]
I just watched it--
pretty great.
I just watched it again--
I can't stop crying.
Clearly I had to have
a catch with my dad
so we could achieve
closure on some
father-son issues.
I also didn't want
any distractions
when coaching the kids,
so I headed to
Paragon Sports in New York
to see if they could
help me out.
I want to just let you know
what I'm dealing with.
I'm hearing voices.
It's very "Field of Dreams,"
you ever see that?
I did.
Me and my dad,
we need to have a catch,
and for me, I want
that moment to be perfect,
so I wanna get
a brand-new mitt.
Now, when I was a kid, the mitt
to get was the Wilson A2000.
I always wanted that glove,
never got it,
and so I thought for this
moment, if I get that mitt,
have a catch with my dad
wearing that glove,
I'll ease his pain,
I'm good to go,
I could get him
out of my life.
Well, let me show you two.
Right here, A2000 B2.
That's a 12-inch glove.
Then you got
the A2000 1799,
which is more of an outfielder,
12.75-inch glove.
This is pretty sweet.
Let me try this one on.
Right away I like the fit
of this one better.
Of these two mitts,
what do you think
is gonna deal with
the emotional pain better?
I think this is
the one, man.
It looks good on ya.
Let's break in this mitt!
Next up I met with Antonio,
Paragon's glove specialist,
to break in the mitt
and hopefully
break through
the emotional barrier
that was causing my dad
such pain.
So I need you to break this
thing in perfectly, man.
I gotta have this catch go
as well as it could
So both me and my dad
have peace and closure.
I don't know if you got some
issues with your dad.
I you do, I want you to put it
into that mitt, man.
Is this for
breakin' in the mitt?
Oh, yeah.
That is cool.
That thing is kick-ass.
Put it in the mitt, Antonio!
Put it in the mitt!
You have to do it, man.
(very slow motion)
Put it in the mitt!
Let it out, man.
Why did you not give me
the mitt
that wanted
when I was a kid!?
You done with that?
I'm good.
You're good?
Just put it in the mitt.
I grabbed a little guac
to help me cool off
while Antonio continued
to put it in the mitt.
And finally
I think she's ready.
[ball smacking]
I like that sound.
I think I'm ready, man.
I flew my dad in from Michigan
so we could have this
all-important catch
and silence these voices of
torment once and for all.
These voices, they gotta be
talkin' about you, right?
Were there any times in your
life where you felt like
Boy, my son,
he's a real (bleep) sucker?
Nothing comes to mind.
I mean, surely we've had
our ups and downs
in this relationship, yeah.
You know, there were a few times
when you were a real asshole,
but it wasn't
(bleep) sucker territory.
Overall, I'd say we had a pretty
good father-son relationship.
See, that's how I feel.
This whole time I'm like,
this seems like what it is,
but it doesn't add up.
I mean, I bought this nice mitt
and everything, but I don't--
do we need
to have a catch?
Only if you want to,
I don't think we need to.
See, that's how I feel.
Okay, then.
Then I'm gonna go home.
Oh, by the way, I really like
that shirt, it's very hip.
Well, how do the kids
nowadays call it?
Oh, yeah,
that's real fresh, man.
That's fresh, man!
Fresh, man.
"Fresh man."
Fresh man.
Freshman, freshman.
Guys, my house, now!
The word "freshman"
made me realize there was
something inside my house
that I needed to see.
But since I'm not allowed
to shoot there
for my show anymore
Everyone out, get out.
We had to wait
for my wife to leave
and then sneak inside.
(Jon whispering)
Let's go.
The thing I needed to see
was something
I hadn't looked at
or thought about
in a long time
My freshman year high school
baseball hat.
I gave up baseball
to try out for a school play,
which always left me
wondering if I had
what it takes to have played
college or pro ball,
and I could never bring myself
to give up the hat.
It was still in decent shape,
except for the brim,
which was completely
broken inside,
just like my baseball dreams.
(eerie whisper)
Eases pain, (bleep) sucker.
Whose pain?
Who's the (bleep) sucker?
When I saw the tag on my hat,
crystal-clear to read
despite its age,
I immediately
knew what I had to do.
Knowing that my old broken
hat was the source of these
voices in my head,
I headed over
to the New Era Cap Company
and met with their brand
historian, Jim Wannemacher,
to see if he could
help me out.
See, you know, I played freshman
year, sophomore year,
then I got bit by the acting bug
and got into comedy.
But, you know,
I was pretty good.
Played centerfield,
captain of the outfield,
I was leadoff,
had some pretty serious wheels
in the base path.
My coach, Coach Shanta, best
coach I ever had, I loved him.
You know, when you're
taking batting practice,
he'd be standing
behind the cage,
just watching you very
patiently, arms folded.
And if you made any good
contact, he'd just say,
"One is luck, two is skill,"
and I loved that.
I just-- the best,
the best coach.
So, you said something
about fixing a cap.
Yes, sorry,
the hat, right.
Okay, thank you, by the way,
for helping me with this.
This is my freshman year
baseball hat.
That is great.
Now, I've been hearing
these voices,
total "Field of Dreams" stuff
like "Eases pain."
Now, look at this--
I put the hat on,
still in pretty decent shape
except look at the brim, right?
Oh, yeah.
And I thought,
oh, "ease his pain," ease
the hat's pain, it's broken.
And then when I was looking
at the hat, look at that.
Well, there you go,
it's one of ours.
It's a New Era hat.
So I thought if you could make
a replica of this hat,
like, just brand-new, shiny
sparkling, brand-new hat
That would ease its pain.
Well, we don't normally
do that kind of thing,
but I think in this case,
with the circumstance
being the way it is,
we could make
an exception.
We'll take this back and using
the right materials,
bring her back to life.
(melodramatic music)
Thank you so much,
thank you.
Uh, if you could
give us the cap--
(melodramatic music stops)
--actually to use
as kind of a pattern,
we could make it up
for you.
Ah, it's gonna be
hard for me to
have it out of my hands,
I'm so, like
but okay.
Well, we kind of
need it to
No, I know.
Let's make this a very,
very gentle transfer.
Don't grab it.
Don't grab it-- I want you
to put your hands out.
Rigid fingers, please.
All right.
Don't even move,
I'm gonna place it.
Very good.
We'll take very
good care of it.
(exhaling sharply)
Do me a favor,
this is very hard for me.
I'm gonna close my eyes and when
I open my eyes just be--
have left.
We'll see you in a week.
(sighing emotionally)
(exhaling deeply)
Okay, so you're ready
to see the hat, Jon?
All right.
Up first we have
the cap that you gave us
we lovingly took care of.
But, I think this is what
you've been waiting for here.
This is the final piece.
(baseball cracks,
crowd reacting)
What do you think?
I hope that's a good face.
That's crazy.
It's like, exact!
That is unbelievable.
This is so cool,
this really is truly
one of the coolest things
I have ever experienced.
Come on.
Okay, that is original.
It took a while, but I actually
found one from '82-'83.
May I?
Let's see how it fits.
Fit is important.
It feels good.
It looks great.
So I'm hearing
these voices, right,
and it was just non-stop.
So at first I thought,
all right,
this has gotta be
about my dad,
'cause that's what
"Field of Dreams" was like.
That was the whole set-up
of the movie, right?
You saw that, right?
I did, yeah.
And so I meet my dad and we
start talkin' and we realize,
you know what,
no, we're good.
Then I realized, okay,
it's gotta be my hat.
Somehow spiritually
the hat is in pain,
I have to ease
the hat's pain.
They made this thing
to the detail.
They got the stitching down,
they got the dimensions
of the "L,"
the red button on the top.
And so as soon as they made the
new hat and I put it on my head,
the voices went away.
And so here I am,
me and Coach Pat,
we're ready to go--
you guys psyched to practice?
(kids cheering)
Let's do it! Let's get some
jerseys and play some baseball!
This year we are
the Mustangs.
Check out the back.
Oh, yeah!
(kids cheering)
Pretty sweet, right?
(boy whoops)
Right here.
You Steve Cirbus' kid?
Just to give you guys
a little backstory.
Steve was my sidekick
on the show and I had to,
I had to let him go.
Does he talk
about me at all?
Tell him, tell him,
tell him I said hi
and I hope he's doin' good.
Your dad's a good man,
he just made a mistake.
(women moaning,
eerie whirring)
And he paid for it,
and hopefully
he told you the story,
and it's a life lesson
you can learn from.
Okay, let's get back
to the jerseys, all right!
(kids cheering)
Lookin' like pros.
You guys ready to hit the field?
Let's do it!
(Coach Pat)
You feelin' good?
I'm glad the voice
is resolved and I can--
Yeah, do me a favor,
if you could just, uh,
take it easy with those
stories, you know,
we're just here to have fun,
you know what I mean?
It is what it is.
And I think the kids
are okay with it.
I don't think
they seem too scared.
All right.
Hey, look alive, guys!
Candy corn!
You're gonna come up here and
you're gonna go like this
(imitates whoosh)
I just got this glove,
isn't it sweet?
It's the Wilson A2000.
Simple, all black,
just such a sweet mitt.
Isn't it nice?
You see that bat up,
bend those knees.
There you go.
One is luck, two is skill.
Watch this curl.
When you stepped up
to the plate,
you have to have
By doing this, you're
letting the pitcher know
this ball's comin' right back
where it came from.
Now, if it helps,
you can think about the pitcher
as someone
that you don't like.
Like if I were up to bat,
I'd pretend the pitcher
was your dad right now,
and I would think
what he did was wrong,
and now we're
gonna get even.
All right, you ready?
What did my dad do wrong?
Give us a sec, Coach Pat?
Um I want you to actually
ask him that same question.
"Dad, what did you do?"
Did he give you any details?
But he did tell you
that he was fired?
He "adult hugged" my wife,
ask him about that.
Let's get some hits.
All right, let me see you
bend those knees.
Square those feet.
We need some of that strength,
you've got those genes,
your dad is a big,
strong guy
with a really stunningly
beautiful body.
Think about your dad's body
when you hit this pitch.
Find the plate,
coach, come on.
Don't forget, you got
this name on your back, right?
That's me.
Play with pride.
I'm kind of revered
in the comedy world,
and I want this team
to be good.
All right, let's head inside--
good job.
(loud smack)
Okay, guys,
great practice.
I loved what I was
seeing out there.
Uh, any questions about
the drills we were doing,
or do you have any questions
even about the gear
that I got goin' on, right?
What about those voices?
That's really all I was
thinking about.
They're kind of
creeping me out.
Uh, okay, uh,
sorry about that.
Uh, if any of you other
guys were distracted by
the prospect of hearing voices,
they're gone.
Okay, guys, you don't
need to be scared,
you don't need to tell your
parents about 'em,
they're gone.
(eerie whisper)
Eases pain, (bleep) sucker.
Okay, um,
just heard the voice.
You don't have to be scared,
but the voice is back.
Did any of you hear that?
Okay, good, thank God.
Okay, great, because it was
pretty salty language.
Summer camp.
Uh, okay, that was
the voice again,
and it was good this time--
guys, it was great, it was good,
it actually said "summer camp".
It said summer camp.
So it's a good voice, it's fun,
like summer camp's fun, right?
We're at a baseball camp--
baseball camp!
Having fun in the summer,
right, guys?
(overlapping voice)
Okay, guys, let's get back
to practice, come on, hustle up.
Yeah, let's get back
to practice, guys.
Good idea!
We got fun voices,
nothing to be scared of.
That's why we're having summer
camp baseball camp.
Let's do it!
Jon, you can't coach anymore
unless you get some help.
Pat, I'm fine, man,
it's cool, it's all good.
The voices are fun now, man.
Summer camp!
What is--
what is summer camp?
Have you ever considered that
the voices were about yourself?
No way.
Well, there's a possibility
that something significant
happened to you at summer camp
that had a lasting,
negative effect on you.
Let me think for a second.
There was a counselor
I didn't like Mark.
I got it!
Mark must have
sexually abused me
while wearing a baseball hat
and a photo of my dad
on his face
so I would have thought
it was my dad doing it
and not Mark!
That's what happened--
that's it.
Thank you, doc.
That's a possibility.
No, that's definitely it.
That's what happened.
Thank you.
I went to the alumni page
on my old camp's website.
Thinking I'd have to plan some
kind of trip back to Michigan,
I discovered that Mark actually
lived in New York.
There was no doubt Mark
was the reason
I was hearing the voices.
And now it was time to silence
them once and for all.
Excuse me, uh,
you're Mark, right?
Yeah, who are you?
(Bleep) sucker ring a bell?
(Jon muttering)
Shut up, go this way, go on.
(Bleep) All right.
Why do you have to
rub this in my face?
You know, that's funny,
I was thinking
the exact same thing
when you were rubbing
your balls in my face.
What are you
talking about?
I'm talking about
these voices
that I've been hearing
for the last week or so,
"Ease his pain.
"Freshman. Summer camp.
(Bleep) sucker."
You don't remember
what happened.
Well, let me refresh
your memory.
But I'll just tell you right
now, any story you tell,
we're gonna do a dramatization
for it for my show.
And if this is
going to be a camp story
and I'm gonna be portraying
myself as a kid,
I'm gonna be doing
some serious Dorf acting.
Fine, whatever.
Our bunk was playing
Bunk Six at baseball,
and we were winning big,
it was like, 12-2.
You were playing
first base
I got this guy, Mark,
come on, man.
And I was pitching, and some kid
from the other team hit, like,
an easy pop fly
right back to me.
And because we were winning,
I decide to be a nice guy
and pretended to lose the ball
in the sun and drop it,
just so that they could
get a base runner
and not feel so bad
about getting creamed.
It was clear to everybody
that I dropped that ball
on purpose,
but you got all pissed off
and called me a (bleep) sucker.
Oh, man, Mark,
you (bleeps) sucker!
(kids laughing)
Jon, back to the bunk!
I was just jokin' around.
Back to the bunk now!
Oh, yeah, I
I remember now.
I don't know
what else to say.
It was sixth grade, I thought
swearing was all funny and cool.
Yeah, well, it wasn't.
It really
hurt my feelings,
being called a (bleeps) sucker
in front of a bunch of kids.
I never really recovered
from that summer.
I've been living
with this pain my entire life.
"Eases pain."
Ease his pain.
I'm so sorry that you've
been dealing with this, man,
but I
I feel like I have
an idea that can,
that can make
things right.
And so it turns out that
the voices I was hearing
were not about my dad,
it was not about my hat,
it was about Mark.
And we decided that
he should be allowed
to call me a (bleep) sucker
in front of a group of kids,
just like I called him
a (bleep) sucker
in front of
a group of kids.
Now, I'm sorry to use that word
in front of you guys,
but it is an integral
part of the story
and this is just
real life right here, guys.
And real life, it is raw,
it is ugly, it is brutal,
it is unforgiving.
You need to look no further
than Mark to understand that.
And you're all gonna be better
for it by hearing that word.
So let's all focus and give
Mark our undivided attention
while he calls me a (bleep)
sucker in front of you, okay?
Take your time, man.
No rush.
This is your moment,
make it count.
Hit the cutoff man.
Come on.
Second base.
Pivot, good.
Pop up and throw.
Good, good, nice.
How you doin'?
Good, how you doin'?
Let's go fellas,
you gotta pack it up, let's go.
What are you talking about?
You know the drill.
You said (bleep) sucker
in front of the kids
the league has
kicked you out.
There's a restraining
order that says
you can't be within 500 yards
of these children.
Yeah, I know, we're at least
600 yards, right?
Look at that-- we're super
far away from these guys.
You're like
100 yards, max, Jon.
No way, come on.
I need you all out of here.
Don't make me arrest you,
It's good, man.
Let's go.
We were leaving, guys, we were
wrapping it up anyway, right?
Just real quick-- guys,
you gotta hit the cutoff man!
No, no, no, no, no.
Wyatt, hit the cutoff man!
See? You're under arrest, Jon.
Don't forget, one is luck,
two is skill.
Take me out to the ballgame
Take me out with the crowd
It's cool, guys!
Keep practicing!
Pipe down.
Wyatt, you ask your dad
about what happened yet?
He (bleep) my wife!
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