Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e07 Episode Script


Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
[thumping in rhythm]
[playing "Wipeout"]
Surfing is a sport
I've never tried.
It looks really fun
and it has a lot of cool gear,
and there's no question that
cool surfer dudes
appeal to the ladies.
So I headed out
to Breakwater Surf Company
in Rockaway Beach to gear up
for my first-ever surf lesson
and impress the number one
beach babe in my life.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, guys, I'm Gerald.
Welcome to Breakwater Surf.
I'm Jon.
Nice to meet you, Jon.
Uh, this is my wife.
Nice to meet you,
She's actually not my wife,
just so you know.
She's an actress
who's playing my wife,
but you could refer to her
as my wife.
Okay, okay,
I'll definitely do that.
So, yeah, my wife and I,
we're pretty psyched to be here.
I've never surfed, I'm gonna
take a lesson later today.
So this is my first time doing
anything surfing related,
and I'm looking to gear up
and I'm looking to you
to sort of be my
surf expert or my "surfspert".
Just call you Gerald?
Yeah, yeah.
No problem, man,
that's cool.
All right, hon,
you get some 'kinis.
I'm so excited.
Yeah, all right, you go get
some 'kinis and
me and Gerald
are gonna gear up.
Oh, yeah!
That's cool, man.
This thing's sweet.
The only thing that happens
is that a lot of the times
people start recognizing,
they notice you
with that bright color.
They're looking at you,
"Geez, that guy looks
like a bit of a kook."
"Kook" is a term for a guy
who doesn't know how to surf,
is trying to look too cool,
that kind of a thing.
That's me.
What's a good
beginner board?
See that green board there?
That one?
That Softech right there?
That's not bad looking.
As long as it-- listen,
as long as it looks cool.
I gotta look rad when I'm
shredding mother naytch.
What's some lingo that
I should be using out there
so I don't look like
just, you know,
Joe Schmo
from the streets?
Killer swell.
Some killer swell.
Shreddin' the 'nar.
Shreddin' the 'nar, like that?
Yeah killer.
Pop the Tostito.
Yo, man, I'm gonna pop
that crunch, right?
I mean--
Crunch that, crunch that shred.
What's up, babe?
How's the 'kini browse?
You have some cool stuff?
I was thinking, like, a
one-piece would be good for TV.
Yeah, I mean, this could work,
but this feels so dark,
I don't know if that's
good for the camera.
They have
a white one too.
Um, what about, like,
something like this?
I mean,
this is pretty nice.
It's kind of small.
That's hot.
We should get--
We'll get the right size.
Um, do you think, like,
when your wife is watching it
back and everything
that this might be,
like, a bit more
When my wife
is watching it back?
Um, you're my wife,
I just think this would look
so good on you.
I mean, listen,
you know me, I'm a feminist,
I support women, I want women
to be comfortable.
But I do feel like
part of that is at the beach
it's just empowering yourself
as a woman to say,
"This is my body."
There's nothing more
that screams feminist
than "bikini," right?
With my wife's
'kini all settled,
I headed to the beach
to meet Mike and Mike
from Local Surf School
for my first lesson.
Hey, guys.
What's up, boss?
How's it going?
I'm Jon.
I'm Mike, nice to meet you.
And I'm Mike.
Mike as well.
This is my wife,
Hey, Leslie.
Hi, Leslie.
All right, sweetie,
thanks a lot.
See ya in a bit.
So, Jon, have you been
to Rockaway before?
Never been
out here before.
Never been here, so
This is called Beach
69th street.
Hey, babe, you know where
we're at-- this is beach 69.
She's not impressed.
Not yet,
not 'til tonight.
Yeah, I don't even
know what that means.
Paddle, paddle, paddle,
and pop up.
Oh, boy.
It's going to be a long day.
Paddle, paddle, paddle,
and pop up.
Way better.
Let's paddle, paddle, paddle,
and pop up.
Hey, dude, nice job.
(Jon playing "Wipeout"
on guitar)
It was time to hit the oash
and do a little shreddin' all
over mother naytch.
You like head, the hood?
You like these?
You don't like 'em.
Your loss, dude.
I was a little nervous
to get out on my board
for the first time,
but it was totally worth it
for all the cool shots!
(hard rock playing)
It was the moment of truth,
my first-ever ride.
I thought I popped up
pretty good, but then uh-oh!
Oh, boy!
Oh, well, no biggie.
It's like they say
out on the oash,
"If at first you don't
shred seed, harblar the gnar."
After biting it hard
a bunch of times,
it was finally time
to show mother naytch
there was a new
surf boss in town.
Some might think he's a kook,
but all I see is Johnny Cool!
In your face,
mother naytch!
Oh, yeah, wipeout!
Yeah, shreddin' mother chur--
that's another way
of saying naytch,
which is just another way
of saying "nature".
Whoo! Yeah, babe, I did it!
Good job, Jon!
Shredded mother naytch!
After conquering the ocean,
it was now time to enjoy
the on-shore side of surfing.
So we hired some cool surf dudes
to be my new beach buds.
You guys wanna hear
(playing "Wipeout")
Pretty good, right?
I've gotta tell you,
it's pretty, uh
pretty sweet to be hanging
with my new buds at the beach.
All right,
let's freeze it for a second.
We had to pause the action there
to explain something.
Um, TrueTV didn't think
that my surfer voice
was authentic enough.
I respectfully disagree,
I thought I kinda nailed it.
But in any case,
we had to hire an actual surfer
to come in, here in post,
and dub over all of my dialog.
So, uh, that's what
we're here doing.
We're gonna shoot it.
Let's get him
in the booth.
So hey, man, we are rolling and,
uh, whenever you're ready.
All right, cool, cool.
Oh, um, my agent said
that it didn't have to be
like, word-for-word,
just like
capture the spirit
of it.
Yeah, let's actually, uh,
we're gonna get word-for-word.
Stick to the script please
and then when we feel
like we got it, we'll have
some fun with it, okay?
All right, sounds fair.
Thank you.
I'm super stoked to hang out
with my new buds on the beach.
Nice, man, real sweet.
All right.
(Bleep) waste of time.
Okay, let's get back
to the scene
with the supposedly more
authentic surfer voice in there.
(dubbed voice)
Pretty sweet to be hangin' with
my new buds at the beach.
Hey, did I tell you guys about
my new restaurant idea?
Pretty cool, man,
it's called Pasta Mañana.
Get some pasta today,
get a banana tomorrow.
And then every time people come
back the next day
for the banana, I'll say,
"No, you gotta
come back tomorrow
because it's Pasta Mañana."
And then I never
have to buy a single banana
'cause every time people
show up, I'm like,
"You gotta come back
the next day."
Pasta Mañana.
(playing "Wipeout")
It's the ultimate wipeout.
Hey, what's up, babe?
Hey, guys,
this is my wife.
Hey, these are the guys,
my new beach buds.
Hey, hon,
show off the suit!
Hey, all right!
I guess it's bikini weather,
right, bros?
Hey, uh
I'll be right back, guys.
I'm gonna go
check something out.
(dubbed voice)
When you see someone sad
and alone at the beach,
it's beach rules
to include them.
No one should be
lonely at the beach.
Hey, man.
How's it goin'?
Good, man.
Mind if I join you?
No, please.
What's your name?
I saw you checking out me
and my buds back there.
Why don't you come
join us, man?
Uh, I would, but
Charlie don't surf.
That's all right,
I don't surf either.
Anyway, Charlie,
you seem cool, man.
I could tell you and I will be
good buds and have a good time.
Why don't you
come join us?
I'd love that, man,
I'd love that, thank you.
Let's do it, man.
We got a cool crew, yeah,
it'll take you real fast,
yeah, man.
Hey, guys,
this is Charlie.
He says he don't surf.
I said he could hang
with us today.
Hey, man.
Hey, Charlie,
this is the guys.
This is my wife,
my wife, Leslie.
And this is Charlie.
So what do you guys say?
Now that we got
a new member of the gang,
should we get a little beach
hang goin' on?
(all cheering)
Well, all right!
(playing "Wipeout")
(surfer music playing)
Hangin' out with my new
beach buds was really fun.
I had a great time playing
a little Frisbee.
Played a little hacky sack,
got to show off my skills.
And cracked some cold brews
with my sweet,
new sandal bottle opener.
Other than that, there was
a lot of high-fiving
and general
cool running along the beach.
Okay, back to the episode
with my voice unnecessarily
dubbed by that surfer guy.
(dubbed voice)
All right, guys, I love to hang,
but I'm gonna split.
Gonna head back to my
chill bungalow.
Just gotta find my lady
and end the day with
a nice walk on the beach.
All right
(dubbed voice)
Have you guys
seen her anywhere, man?
(Jon playing
"Wipeout" on guitar)
What the (bleep)?
(normal voice)
Would you guys cut for a second?
Hey, Eva, hey.
What's goin' on?
That is not cool,
what is goin' on here.
Okay, hookin' up
with one of my beach bros
is not in the script,
just like hooking up
with my former sidekick
wasn't in the script.
(Jon playing
"Wipeout" on guitar)
("Wipeout" continues)
She (bleep)
my former sidekick.
Jon, I'm not in character
right now, I'm Eva right now.
And I, Eva,
not your wife, like Charlie.
This is not cool, Eva!
You're still here.
Jon, this is real life,
I'm not on-set right now.
I'm not filming right now.
Yeah, but you were
basically gonna.
I mean, the whole world's a
stage, Eva, including the beach.
Okay, you know what?
You cannot be
my fake wife anymore.
We need to get a fake divorce
and you are for real fired.
Sorry, sorry.
This is so stupid anyway.
(slow motion)
Wait a minute-- no!
Oh, my God!
(normal voice)
It's my wife's real ring!
You know what, I feel really
bad for your real wife.
You know, me too!
You just threw her ring
in the sand.
(dubbed voice)
I couldn't believe my fake wife
threw my real wife's real ring
in the real sand.
(gull cawing)
(Bleep) you, gull.
(dubbed voice)
If I didn't find that ring,
I was a shred man walking.
(normal voice)
Anyone see where it landed?
Did you guys see where
the ring landed?
Goddamn it.
(dubbed voice)
And trying to find
that ring in the sand
would be like trying to find
a needle in the sand.
(Bleep), oh,
I'm so (bleep).
I'm so (bleep).
(dubbed voice)
Then something caught my eye.
The solution
to my epic problem,
which turned my gear frown
(normal voice)
Hey, dude, cool gear, man!
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, cool!
I like that thing!
What is that?
(dubbed voice)
I was totally intrigued
by that detector bro's
metal detector,
so I picked myself up
some cool new gear.
No longer was I
a carefree bohemian surfer.
I was now a carefree bohemian
metal detecting dude.
(detector beeping)
Hopefully all this cool gear
would help me find that ring.
(beeping faster)
(detector beeping)
(beeping faster)
(waves rolling,
gulls cawing)
(dramatic music)
(dubbed voice)
Are you okay?
I mean
This metal detector you found,
this is my metal detector
'cause I was here
the other day, beachcombing,
and I just got into this
really deep meditation
and I don't know how long I
would've been under the sand
if you hadn't come by
and saved my life.
(dubbed voice)
That's crazy, right?
(beeping faster)
Whoa! Hold up.
Life's paying you back,
come on, life.
Please, please.
Oh, my God, please.
You hear that?
Rocks, seashells,
no-- yes!
Found it!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
That's the magic
of life, man.
That's exactly right--
no, think about it.
If we don't do
a surfing episode,
then my fake wife, she's not
gonna meet that surfing dude,
and we don't get
fake divorced,
she doesn't throw my real
wife's ring in the sand,
I don't go searching for it
and see that metal detector guy,
I don't get into metal detecting
and all the cool gear,
I don't start searching
the beach for the ring,
I don't find you,
which then leads us
to here!
None of this happens
if this didn't happen.
All right, this is,
this is
too much to hope for, to make
this the perfect moment,
but by any chance would you
happen to be an actress?
Yeah, why?
Because now I know
that it was destiny
that all of this happened and
bring us here and that we meet.
Will you be my new
fake wife in the show?
Oh, my God!
She said yes!
(dubbed voice)
I was super-stoked
to get married to my new
fake wife on the beach.
In fake sickness
and in fake health.
Do you have the ring?
Oh, wow, yes.
With this ring, I thee shred.
Wow, good one,
Gear-i, funny.
I now pronounce you
husband and fake wife.
You may kiss
the fake bride.
(both laughing)
All right, guys,
we gotta cut for a second.
Jon, your wife's over there.
Oh, really?
(normal voice)
Oh, uh
It's my real wife.
I gotta, you know
Oh, yeah.
Love you.
Hey, what's up?
How you doing?
Hi, I'm so sorry for
interrupting your work.
I can't find-- I can't find
my wedding ring anywhere.
I've looked everywhere,
I can't find it.
I don't know where it is.
No! Seriously?
Yeah, I, I'm freaking out.
I tried texting you,
I'm so sorry.
No, do not freak out, it's gotta
be around here somewhere.
I know, I know, right?
But what's going on
over there?
Oh, this is, uh,
we're shooting a fake wedding
'cause I had to marry a new
actress to be my fake wife
'cause the first actress
who played my fake wife,
we had to fire her because she
was being difficult, so
Oh, but isn't that
her over there?
(Jon playing
"Wipeout" on guitar)
Yeah, yeah, she's still hanging
out with-- it's a long story.
Listen, just--
it's gonna turn up.
But I don't remember
taking it off.
I mean, I don't think--
Listen, if you look
in your purse, listen--
Oh, my God!
Look, there it is!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
I don't even remember--
this is what was
driving me so crazy.
I don't remember
taking it off.
I know!
This is crazy.
Oh, my God, see?
You're okay, you're okay.
I'm sorry, oh, my God.
You're okay, you're okay.
It's okay, you're good.
Oh, oh
You found it.
Thank you, thank you.
I'm so happy.
Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Of course, listen,
you're stressed.
Why don't you stay here,
calm yourself down
You can watch
a take of the show.
After the wedding,
you can watch yourself go
for a walk on the beach with me.
Okay, okay.
Hey, man!
Hey, dude, dude!
Hey, man!
Who the (bleep)
are you?
Who the (bleep)
are you?
That was so crazy,
that I ended up getting
this job, right, bro?
I mean,
when my agents called,
I was like, uh, I think
I already met that dude.
You remember,
when you were like,
"Who the (bleep)
are you?"
And I was like,
"Who the (bleep) are you?"
And we were on that beach
and it was, like, so windy,
and it was just like, you know,
it felt like a, like a blizzard,
but, you know,
it's sand, and you know,
well, mother naytch,
you know?
Am I capturing
the spirit of it?
Yeah, just--
yes, thank you.
Great, okay.
(dubbed voice)
Not again.
I couldn't believe it.
I felt so pitted.
I felt like I had to
come clean to my real wife.
Got it, moving on,
thank you.
Yo, is everything cool?
'cause I'm like,
picking up a little
a little hostile
vibe going on.
All good, dude!
Next line, thanks!
All right, cool.
(normal voice)
I have a confession to make.
I took your ring.
Why would you do that?
I just wanted to
have it be authentic.
I used it for
the fake wives,
they've been wearing your ring
so it would look real,
and I know you're mad
But I feel if you and I just
took a nice walk on the beach,
me and my babe
Yeah, okay, why don't you
just go ask her?
I don't believe him asshole.
(dubbed voice)
I needed to hire
my fake wife back
since I still needed
an on-camera wife
and I couldn't work
with a new fake wife
since she cheated on me
with that asshole surfer.
Isn't it going to be confusing
to the audience to, like,
see me in the shot
and hear my voice,
which is supposed
to be you?
Dude, do the next line,
and let's move on.
Rock on, all right,
uh, uh
I lost my place.
Oh, there we are,
I'm good.
I don't even give
a (bleep) what you say.
Just say somethin'
that you'd say at the beach.
Uh hey, you single?
That usually works
about half the time,
if half is like 25--
Try this.
I'm gonna give you a line
that's not in your script.
Hey, what's up?
I'm a total (bleep) dick.
Can you give me that?
It's gonna be me saying it,
don't worry about it.
Yeah, all right.
Hey, what's up?
I'm a total
(bleep) dick.
More like this,
"I'm a total (bleep) dick."
All right.
I'm total (bleep)--
You forgot the
"Hey, what's up?"
Hey, what's up?
I'm a total (bleep) dick.
Hey, what's up?
I'm a total
(bleep) dick.
I feel like you're
talking to me.
We got it, we got it,
thank you, great.
I'm sensing a little
weird vibe between us, man.
Here's the deal.
The network wanted
you here, not me.
'cause what I'm doing
right here, dude,
sounds pretty
good to me, bro.
I don't see
the big difference.
If anything, I'd say
what I'm doing,
a little more
authentic than you.
Yeah, well, that sounded
pretty (bleep) terrible.
Well, you know what?
I don't give a (long bleep)
what you gotta say
about what I did, bro.
Oh, wow, so you're, like,
mocking me now, right?
Not a mod, dude.
That's what I feel like
you're doing, you know
Pot calling
the kettle bro, bro!
Yeah, dude!
You bring out
that kettle shit!
I swear to God, man, I am just
going to come find you
and go to Far Rockaway
if you ever come!
I swear, man, do like you did
Okay, dude.
Hold on a second.
Look, I'm sorry for
losing my cool,
I'm sorry you got caught
in the middle of this argument
I had with the network,
we're gonna use your voice,
it's better than mine,
all right?
We're gonna end the episode
with this beautiful shot
of me and my
fake wife having
a nice walk
on the beach at sunset,
and you'll be doing
my voice.
Oh, yeah, cool.
I was getting
weird, dude,
I wasn't understanding
what was going on.
No, yeah, no, dude,
it's all good, okay?
We'll be walking
down the beach,
I'll do this
hilarious arm candy joke,
and then we're gonna
end the scene
on a shot of me apologizing
to my wife for losing her ring,
and I turn to her
and say
I'm a total
(bleep) dick.
(gulls cawing)
Right, but it's just
my voice, right?
You're still on your face
at this point?
Yeah, yeah, for sure,
we will never see you in this.
It's only going to be
your voice on my face.
Oh, okay, yeah,
cool, cool.
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