Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e08 Episode Script


Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
Welcome to the "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" production office
where I am very excited
to finally be able to announce
that "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
is going into outer space.
We have partnered with
Elon Musk's company, SpaceX,
where I will be joining a manned
mission to the ISS,
or as you earthies call it,
the International
Space Station.
Now, this has been
a top secret project
that truTV and I
have been working on
for over the last year,
and honestly,
I cannot believe
the day is finally here
and tomorrow I will be
in outer space.
It's crazy to even
think about it.
No, it's okay,
you can let him through, yeah.
Uh, this is my last land meal
for the next two weeks.
Got one of my favorite
fried chicken sandwiches
in all of New York City,
and this is for you,
a big $20 tip.
Wow, I really
appreciate it, man.
No problem, man, I mean,
I'm going into space, so, uh,
might not come back.
Might as well go forward
on the tip.
All right, have a good one.
You too, take care.
All right!
Psyched to dig into this.
Very excited, I got my favorite
fried chicken sandwich
and some of the best fries
in New York City.
Oh, yeah!
I hope the food's
as good in space.
Let's wash that bite down
with some fries.
What the (bleep)?
Oh, my God, seriously?
Can we cut for a second?
I got cold fries,
I gotta call the restaurant.
And look, let me just, let me
just say right off the bat
that I understand fries
don't travel well, okay,
I know it's a tough food
to deliver,
but you gotta have something
in place to have your--
to make your fries warm.
You can't serve ice-cold fries
to a customer.
As a business owner
I'm sure you'd agree.
As a restaurant--
as a food person,
you don't want a shitty product
going out there.
Then simply tell this guy,
"Do not leave the restaurant
without a warming bag.
"Even if you're going
right around the corner,
it doesn't matter."
These were ice-cold
and uneatable
and it just
wasn't good, okay?
That's my point, so
Yeah, thank you very much.
Give me a credit,
I'll call you back
in a couple of weeks
when I'm back from space.
(blowing lips)
They are gonna fire this guy
as soon as he gets back
to the restaurant
and he is gonna know
it's because I called
to complain.
Clearly I was his last
delivery right?
And he knows where I work.
He's gonna come back here
and murder me.
But Jon,
you're not in danger,
you're going into space.
Yeah, tomorrow!
What's gonna stop him
from coming here
and slitting my throat?
I mean, even if the guy comes
back and we have a fight
and I'm able to get away,
he knows where I'm going--
I told him
I'm going to space,
it's clearly written
on the production calendar.
We got this astronaut
costume here.
And if I can get to space,
then what's to stop him from
getting to space?
He'll find a way!
And let's say
he comes to space
and we get in some kind of
space fight
and I'm able to get away from
him and get back down to earth,
well, then he gets
back down to earth--
he's not gonna stop
until I'm dead.
You see what I'm saying?
The cycle will never end
until I am dead!
Space is cancelled.
Today's episode,
Just bulging
out of his collar.
It was like just
crazy muscles.
Did I already talk
about his eyes?
Like, dead eyes, man, this guy
was a complete, complete psycho.
Yes, that's him!
That's the guy!
What kind of spy equipment
do you have
so you can watch this guy?
That's it?
I have something like these
that I use for watching birds.
You're gonna be watching
a lunatic, dude!
We gotta get you
better equipment.
Let's go! Let's go!
As you may recall,
I bought some night vision
goggles in our cycling episode,
so me and the private
headed back over to my good
friend Bob's spy store for help.
These are highly
encrypted cell phones.
Your wife has one,
you have one.
Oh, my wife!
This way you can
I don't want her
to be a widow, man.
My kids need a dad!
She's a beautiful girl,
somebody else will come by.
Are you talking about her
meeting another guy?
No, not really.
She'll never find another you,
that's for sure.
Thank you, Bob.
So these are
very good for your
Listen, Bob, I just want to say
really quick,
if I'm gone,
I want her in good hands.
And so someone like you, I--
I'm just gonna say it
right now, I approve.
If this guy kills me,
I'm going on camera right now,
you have-- Bob, you have my
blessing to marry my wife.
Leslie, I love you and I want
you to be with Bob, okay?
I want you to be with Bob.
And kids, you listen to Bob,
Bob is your dad now.
And if Bob says,
"Do your homework,"
you do your homework.
You don't say
any kind of shit like,
"You're not my dad!"
And if you don't want to call
him dad, that's okay,
but you treat him
with respect.
He's your dad now, okay?
I'll tell you
a quick story, kids.
You know grandpa, Ira?
When I was 16, I'm learning how
to drive stick shift, okay,
and mom, grandma, my mom,
tried to teach me how to drive
stick shift and she's like,
"Accelerate! Accelerate!"
and she's driving me
Grandpa takes me out
in his old Honda Civic wagon--
it's this cool car,
like, copper orange
"I can't do it!"
I think I even pouted.
"Cut the shit and do it."
That was a bold move
for this guy
who hasn't even
married my mom yet.
He earned my respect
on that day.
And the point of that story
is you listen to Bob.
'Cause Bob's your dad now.
(choking tears)
So, guys, we're dealing
with a lunatic.
I think the first line of
defense is a disguise
so I am unrecognizable
to this guy.
Now, I'm thinking of doing
something like "The Klumps"--
classic special effects.
I don't know
how they did the farts.
Was that a rig that they put
inside the suit?
I just feel like that's
the direction I want to go.
I think "The Klumps" will be
a little extensive.
Then how about if I go
on a "Klumps" diet?
Hold on, Gear-i,
pull up "Klump Diet."
I love "The Klumps,"
but there might not be enough
time to pull that off.
You don't want to
underdo the Klumps.
Um, I can pull
some wigs for you
and maybe a few
facial prosthetics.
I think if we also do
a set of teeth for ya,
something that really
changes your mouth
and changes your face and it
won't be recognizable.
Yeah, I think that works.
I also do a very solid
Australian accent.
I've gotten tons
of compliments on it, um
I've heard nothing
but the contrary.
I've gotten plenty
of positive feedback
on my Aussie accent,
Gear-i, thank you, though.
Not according to
Amy Schumer's Twitter feed.
Shut up, Gear-i!
All right, well,
I like this direction.
Um my life is in
your hands, guys.
Let's see what you got.
It was time
to build my disguise.
(with accent)
Pretty good accent.
Like if you didn't know me,
you'd believe it, right?
Step off the
Step off an airplane,
right on to the tarmac.
That's a, uh a wound.
That's a wound?
You wanted a wound.
sure it is, Blair.
I mean, I want this thing
to look super real.
That's perfect.
That's perfect.
Putting the disguise together
was uncomfortable at times,
but you know what else is
Being murdered
by an unhinged lunatic.
So I focused on
the task at hand--
maintaining a mindset of
confidence and strength.
My new disguise
was finally ready.
Not too bad
(with accent)
Ay, mate?
Aussie Aussie Aussie
gear gear gear.
I headed over to Renzo Gracie's
Fight Academy in Brooklyn
to learn the art
of hand-to-hand combat.
Good to meet you, champ.
(with accent)
Nice to meet you.
Jon Glaser, although you don't
have to call me that right now
'cause I'm in disguise.
Now, would you say
you feel confident
that jujitsu will prepare me
to defend myself
against this lunatic?
Definitely, jujitsu is the best
hand-to-hand combat
that you can learn.
Show me the gear.
We actually have no gear,
this is it--
a t-shirt and pair
of shorts, that's it.
You don't wear--
you don't wear gear.
Nothing at all.
All right, well, pleasure
to meet you, appreciate it.
Don't think you can help me.
(Jon with accent)
What a complete and total
waste of my time.
I can't trust gearless tactics
to keep me alive,
so I headed over to the
legendary Gleason's Boxing Gym
in Brooklyn to check out
a more gear-based sport.
I needed to learn how to punch
to defend myself
from this animal who had
no regard for human life,
let alone proper food
delivery temperature.
(with accent)
Hey! How you doin'?
(with accent)
Country, how's it going?
Hey, Jon.
Ready to go, man.
All right!
The thunder
from down under.
What's up first?
This is to wrap
your hands in.
These are called
hand wraps.
Hand wrap.
Yeah, hand wraps.
Sorry, I got a thick
accent so
it might sound a little weird.
It's okay.
I understand you.
All right.
We're speaking each other's
language here.
Yeah, okay.
the universal language.
(Jon with accent)
First up for training,
jump rope!
Next, shadowbox.
Then a little speedbag.
Can't remember
what this thing is
or why I had to do this.
This rope thing was fun.
Heavy bag Gear!
Gear, gear!
And then it was time to get
in the ring to spar.
It was finally time
to strap on the gloves
and turn myself into a lean,
mean boxing machine.
With every punch I thought
about coming face to face
with this beast,
and what life would be like
for my wife and kids without
their hubby and father.
(sobbing, with accent)
I'm so scared!
I'm gettin' real scared.
What if
(Jon with accent)
I was more frightened
than a wallaby trapped on a croc
beach without his boomerang.
I really appreciate
all the hard work
you did with me
and all the training and
showing me all this cool gear.
Do you think that I'm now
adequately prepared
to go take on this lunatic
and defend myself?
Boxing is a sport that you need
a lot of time to learn.
A week?
Listen, one year.
I don't have a year.
This guy wants me dead.
Then you should try
MMA or
karate or judo or something,
you should try that.
No, that's no good, see,
I already tried that
before I came to see you,
and they didn't have a lot of
cool gear, so I came here.
(Jon with accent)
Jujitsu had no gear
and boxing takes too long.
With these crushing
there was only
one option left for me.
Well, if that's the case,
where's the nearest gun shop?
Lock and load!
(Jon with accent)
After striking out
with boxing and jujitsu,
I thought third time's
the charm with guns.
Lots of cool gear,
and a surefire way to protect
myself from the cold fry killer.
How you doin'?
I'm Jon.
I called you earlier.
I want to learn
how to shoot a gun.
Well, we can set you up.
All right, I'm here
at the gun range
where I'm very excited
to learn to defend myself
against this
cold-blooded killer.
But more importantly, I'm more
excited about this cool gear.
I got these great
shooting goggles
that got a super cool
yellow lens,
just like John Goodman wore
in "The Big Lebowski,"
only I got a much cooler
style frame than he did.
(phone ringing)
Excuse me.
Hey, Jon.
Ay, mate.
Yeah. It doesn't look
like he was fired.
He's made several
deliveries in the last hour.
Right, no,
you stay on him.
You stay on him, mate,
'cause they're just probably
letting him finish up his shift
because they feel
bad for him.
Let him finish out
the day,
then he's gonna
come after me.
Why are you talking
like that?
Next cool piece of gear,
got these super awesome
cool looking ear protectors.
These are gonna shield
my ears from the blast.
Lots of cool guys have worn
these in movies--
Clint Eastwood in some of
his police movies,
and other cool guys too.
Next up, the cherry on the cool
sundae, the gun.
All right, Jon, this is
a nine-millimeter,
it is loaded.
You're gonna want to keep
your finger off the trigger
until it's pointed
at the target downrange.
When you're ready to shoot,
you press this silver button
and you're good to go.
All right,
let's do this!
Put a little muscle in it.
Trying-- push.
Right here.
(gun clicks)
Yeah, there we go.
I've never shot a gun
or even held one,
this is my first time
doing either and, uh
now that it's in my hands,
it's kind of weird.
A little scary,
actually, um
I'm kind of nervous.
(clearing throat)
Maybe we shouldn't have put
his picture on the
on the target.
Little strange where I'm
actually feeling
like I'm looking at him.
Well, I gotta put myself
in the scenario, right?
I gotta pretend this is
actually happening.
It's me or him, right?
It's me or him!
Are we gonna do this?
This really gonna happen?
I don't think so,
(loud gunshot)
(normal voice)
Yeah, I don't want to do this.
I don't like this--
not for me.
Um, uh let's use some
pepper spray or something.
I think pepper spray will
get that guy
with pepper spray.
(with accent)
I'm very curious to see
how effective this
pepper spray is that I got.
Gary, one of our interns,
has volunteered
to help me demonstrate.
Gary, you ready?
Oh, yeah, I can't wait.
(phone ringing)
Oh, crickey.
I'm watching him making
a delivery to a man
sitting on a park bench.
And the guy looks
very much like you.
They're talking.
It looks like he figured out
it was a body double.
(Bleep), he's onto me!
(spraying, Gary screaming)
Gotta go!
(screaming over phone)
(Jon with accent)
I didn't feel safe
on the streets anymore.
So to protect myself,
I've taken a section
of the production office
and turned it into my own
private panic room.
I also hired a consultant
to look over what I've done
and make sure
I'm completely safe
from this bloodthirsty
cold fry killer.
Well, right here, first line
of defense, the door.
Uh, we put a steel,
I think,
or some kind of metal
coating over the door
and put one, two,
three deadbolts.
Sure seems like it, huh?
(siren blaring)
Stocked up on seltzer
and ginger ale.
I got water.
This is my
favorite pretzel.
As you can see here, "Snack
Producer of the Year 2016."
Well, this, to me, keeps me
feeling safe and secure.
Ah, okay, good.
I've got a surveillance system
so when I'm locked up in here,
I'll see 'em comin'.
So this is no good.
(siren blaring)
Let's say if I gotta stay
in here for an extended time,
I've also got
this little toilet.
Aussie Aussie Aussie
gear gear gear!
(siren blaring)
Thank you, Dan.
You're welcome.
Lookin' forward to being
more secure.
Well, clearly we got
a lot of work to do.
But once we get
this place more secure,
all that'll be left is to lock
the door and hunker down.
Let's get to work.
(Bleep, bleep)!
(normal voice)
Oh, God damn it!
Stupid idea!
Damn it!
Just kill me quick.
just kill me quick.
You're gonna execute me, right?
You're gonna sit me
on the toilet,
two in the dick,
one in the brain,
so that's the last image
my kids see on the news, right?
No, look, okay, I don't know
what's going on here,
but, like, my boss told me
that your fries were cold.
Yeah, and he fired you and you
came here to kill me, right?
Just do the brain before
the dick, though, please,
just so I'm dead and I don't
gotta feel the dick shots.
No, no,
he didn't fire me.
He didn't fire me.
I came here
to apologize, man.
I feel terrible.
I mean, you gave me
that huge tip.
And you know, I do have
a warming bag, but
your order was so late
that I just flew
out the door with it
because I wanted to get
to you on time,
and your office
was so close.
But I should've
known better.
Fries don't travel
too well.
That's how I feel.
It's like, every time
I get fries delivered,
they're the most consistently
inconsistent food temperature.
Sometimes they're too hot.
Really, they can't be too hot--
if they're hot, great.
But sometimes they're perfect,
they nailed it, they're hot.
Sometimes it's like,
eh, a little lukewarm
but I can do this,
I can eat these.
Sometimes they're ice-cold,
and that drives me crazy,
get it right,
what's so hard about it?
I know, I mean, like,
there should just be
a separate warming bag
just for the fries.
That's exactly how I feel.
Have a separate warming bag
for the fries to keep them warm,
like what's so--
(phone beeping)
Jon, he's in
the building!
Too late, idiot,
you're fired.
But yeah, like,
get it right.
Look, I'm sorry
about the fries, man.
(with accent)
Let's turn this cold fry frown
upside down.
Right then I realized
that the enemy of my enemy
is my friend,
and the enemy
is cold fries.
Obviously, you know, the focus,
we want these fries to be warm.
So that crazy lunatic killer
and I put our minds together
to design a product
that would ensure
that every fry in America
would be a hot one.
And now it was time
to test our invention.
Here it is,
the final product--
our Fry Caramba
French Fry Warming Bag.
We're here in this field,
attempting to
prove that this is
the best
French fry
warming bag
on the market.
We are cooking fries
right here
in this portable
French fry maker
which is attached to this
really cool generator.
We're gonna take those
piping-hot fries,
put 'em right into
the Fry Caramba,
attach the Fry Caramba
to that pole,
launch the Fry Caramba into
space where it's freezing cold.
In theory, these fries should
return to earth freezing cold,
but we believe the Fry Caramba
will return them piping hot.
And if they're not, then it's
back to the drawing board
until we get it right.
With the Fry Caramba we're gonna
put these fresh, hot fries
right into the Fry Caramba.
Ow, Fry Caramba!
Super hot, these are
super hot fries.
We're putting them into
the individual warming sleeves
of the Fry Caramba.
Each French fry gets
its own little sleeping bag
to keep it nice and warm.
The warming sleeves
keep each fry warm,
and then those sleeves are then
loaded into the Fry Caramba
for maximum warmth
and protection.
I am now sealing
the Fry Caramba,
which is full of piping-hot,
warm French fries.
Let's send these fries
into space!
This is John Arnos from our
props department.
He's assisting us to attach
the Fry Caramba to the balloon
before it goes into space.
And of course we've got
a GoPro on one end of this pole
to get some cool shots!
(loud rock music)
I think it's good to go.
Then let's (bleep) do this.
You ready?
Will our launch be successful?
Is the Fry Caramba
really going into space?
Don't touch that dial,
because you'll never believe
what happens next
with the Fry Caramba.
Here it is, the moment
you've been waiting for,
the launch into space
of the Fry Caramba.
On three-- three, two
Oh, two-- we're going down?
Three, two, one
into space!
Yeah, there goes
the Fry Caramba!
All right!
Up in space yeah!
Look how high
that thing's going!
Yeah, go Fry Caramba!
Yeah! Yeah!
(cheering and whooping)
It's in space, yeah!
(Bleep) yeah, man!
(Bleep) yeah!
Those (bleep) fries
are in space!
(balloon pops, whooshing)
Holy (bleep).
All right, this is the test.
(exhaling deeply)
I'm ready.
Oh, God.
It feels kind of cold,
like it was in space.
It feels warm, man.
It's pretty warm.
You ready?
Feeling warm.
Yes, yes!
That's warm!
That's some high fry, man!
Hold up a second, man,
hold up a second.
Hold up a second,
hold up a second.
Man has been to the moon,
and now fries
have been to space.
Never will you have to
worry about or accept
cold fries ever again!
I think the takeaway
from today's episode
is that there's nothing
we can't achieve
when mankind and gear-kind
work together.
You need look no further
than two former enemies
whose newfound friendship led to
the invention of something
as profound
as the Fry Caramba.
Fry Caramba! Whoo!
(Muzak playing on loop)
Previous EpisodeNext Episode