Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Everybody in.
Have a fun weekend at grandma's.
Pile in, pile in
be careful.
Tell grandma I said
(blowing lips)
(chuckling)
Bye!
Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
Oh, yeah.
Leisure.
Gear!
Gear!
All right, with the wife
and kids away,
it is time for dad
to cut loose and party hard.
I have turned my place into
a super sweet party palace,
and I brought in Dan
from Mancaves.
He and his team are consulting
to make sure I got it right
and let me know where
I went wrong, which is nowhere.
Dan, thanks for joining me.
Let's get in there
and check it out.
Yeah, let's do it.
Do it!
(Jon)
Oh, yeah, check it out, Dan!
Welcome to guy-vana.
Don't even thing about it--
just first reaction.
Nice.
Ooohhhh yeaaaahhh!
(rumbling)
Chill Fest '16,
it's like me
and my best buddies.
Got Todd, Vapes, Dowzer,
Kev, J Bone, Chuck.
We're just gonna be playing
video games,
drinking beer,
watching sports--
in other words-- guys!
I like the keg.
Thank you very much.
It's a custom-made
"hang loose" tap.
You just grab
your red Solo cup,
you grab it by the thumb
and just boom.
It's a little foamy right now,
but when it settles down,
it's gonna be a perfect pint!
Oh, yeah!
I love the hammock concept.
(Jon)
You do, like, hammocks
and stuff like that?
Maybe outside.
But I like
the indoor look.
Kind of like, whatever!
Dan approved.
Let me show you these
sweet beanbags I got.
I actually call 'em Bro Bags,
and here's my take on it.
Instead of being
filled with beans,
I got every single one of
these beanbags
are filled with
burritos!
And that way,
while you're chillin'
you're fillin', right?
Bro Bags!
Welcome to the media center
of the cave.
You got this sweet
flat screen and the X-box.
It's got a Bose sound dock
for sweet sound.
Gotta have it.
Pretty good set-up, yeah?
I would do things a little
different, but if you like it.
Well, like, how could I have
made this better?
Maybe hang the TV on the wall,
hide some wires.
I can't-- like, if I would've
hung that on the wall
and had any kind of
scratch or whatever,
she would've
known I was here, like,
this is more like
stealth mancave,
like in, cave, out!
Just like we killed
Bin Laden, right?
So all things considered,
though
pretty sweet?
For a temporary set-up
I think you did just fine.
Oh yeaahh!
Okay, that's a huge relief
'cause it's like
I gotta nail this thing,
man, you know,
I gotta--
this is my home.
It's like I'm not even--
I'm a stranger in my own home.
Even just the fact that
I'm standing here right now,
you know, it's like,
I spend so little time here.
And again,
I support my wife's decision
to not allow the cameras
in here to shoot
and to put our kids on camera,
but I don't see them.
I spend more time
with these actors
that are playing my children
and playing my wife,
and I can't even
enjoy my own home.
It's tough for me,
it's been hard.
But not for these two days
it's not-- whoo!
I'm gonna (bleep)
cut loose!
Of course you gotta have
your snack zone, right?
Snack Zone.
Got a lot of
good stuff here,
got just a ton of 'za,
pretzels over here,
tortilla chips,
and of course, a party wouldn't
be complete without the guac.
Guaaaaaac!
Now check this thing out.
The "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
ice luge.
The funnel's right up here,
then it goes down the luge
into your mouth, into your gut,
and then into the toilet
later when you piss.
(softly)
One, two, three
(both)
Fire up the luge!
Chill Zone.
(ice cracking)
All right, here we go.
Yeaaaahhh!
Ready down there, dude?
I'm all set.
Here she comes!
Did you get any?
Oh yeah!
(loud smack)
Dan, thank you very much
for all your help
and your consultation.
Thank you for having me.
Catch you on the other side
of the cave.
Three hours until Chill Fest.
I think we are all set
for Chill Fest '16.
Just waitin'
for my buddies to arrive.
Super pumped about it.
We got this pretty
kick-ass drone set up.
This little dude is perched
and ready to go.
I got this pretty kick-ass
brewsky backpack.
This thing's awesome,
you know,
it's sort of my version
of the bug-out bag,
call it a chug-out bag.
Oh, I got my sport watch on
because I want to see
how many calories I burned.
Let me check into that.
Zero calories burned.
AKA, kicking back hard
in the Chill Zone!
Ohh yeah!
(ice cracking)
One final order of business here
and we can start the weekend.
(phone beeps)
Hello, Jon.
What gear suggestions
can I help you with today?
No gear suggestions, Gear-i,
I just wanted to remind you
this is Chill Fest weekend,
I got all my buddies
comin' by,
I do not want
to be disturbed.
If my buddies or my wife call
or text, that's fine,
but otherwise,
no talking from you at all.
This is just for me and my
buddies, it's nothing personal,
I just wanna focus on me
and my buds, okay?
Okay, Gear-i?
Just keeping quiet
like you ordered.
Ha-ha-ha,
very funny, Gear-i.
Okay, no talking starting now!
Okay, shutting down
vocal mode.
(phone dinging)
Oh, first text
of the weekend came in.
I got Dowzer.
Probably wants to know about
if he should be
picking up a six
or a lager or an IPA
or something like that.
Dowzer had to cancel,
his wife is sick
and the babysitter cancelled,
so he has to stay home.
Pussy whipped.
All right, no probskies.
(phone dinging)
Oh!
First phone call of the weekend,
it's Vapes!
What's up, Vapes?
What's the good word, dude?
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, you want to hang
with the kids,
listen, I totally get it.
Kid whipped.
Two down, but no bigs, man.
Plenty to go around
for the rest of the dawgs!
All right.
What's up, Kev?
What's goin' on, man?
No, I understand,
that's fine, um
Bailer.
Well, we're here all weekend
if you want to come by tomorrow.
Another one bites the dust.
That's a lot of stiches, man,
I'm just glad you're okay.
Not gonna make it.
Well, we got
a lot of pizza here
if you want to even swing by
and take some home with you.
"O" for six.
You guys wanna, like
take five and jam
on this thing, maybe?
It was gonna be Kev
and the crew, but, uh
it could be the "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" crew.
(sighing)
(melancholy music)
(lasers zapping on TV)
(melancholy music continues)
(bottles rattling)
(slurring)
This is my house where I live
and I should be able
to shoot here when I want!
Me my daughter
that's my son.
(sobbing)
I just
Are you getting the shot
through the ice?
You gotta tell me,
you're my eyes, but
'cause I should be here
with my kids.
'cause if they're not,
then what's the point, right?
And if you're not shootin'
through the ice,
what's the point?
See, you guys, this whole show
should be shot through ice!
Right? We gotta go back, we got
to start from day one,
reshoot and we're
gonna do it through ice!
(phone dings)
Gear-i
Come on, Gear-i, you can talk,
it's okay, you can speak now,
you're allowed
to talk to me.
Gear-i, come on!
Gear-i, come on!
(sighing through megaphone)
No, hold on.
Man, you wanna grab
a drink after we wrap?
What do I say again?
I say "gear"? Why?
I know it's the name of
the show, but why is this,
why does a megaphone come in
when I yell "gear"?
It's stupid.
Gear.
It's a comedy twist.
Comedy's so easy, man.
It takes somebody
to give it a twist.
Dwayne Wade?
More like Dwayne not.
See?
(flask clatters on ground)
(slurring)
Hey, you ever seen
a titanium flask?
It's pretty cool.
You ever see something
this cool?
This is titanium.
(laughs weakly)
Dude, you are
the funniest dude.
"Delocated" is the funniest--
Dude, (bleep) "Delocated".
You wanna see this flask?
That's a pretty cool flask.
Are you doing okay, man?
I'm doing good.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm just, you know,
having a sad night,
I'm missing my kids
and my wife.
(blues music playing in bar)
(ice rattling)
Hey, man,
what's this thing called?
It's super cool,
I always--
Hey, no talking,
no talking in here.
(whispering)
Hey, man, hey.
That's a cool helmet.
It's awesome.
(whispering)
Yeah, thanks.
Did you just get that,
is that a new model?
(slurring)
I don't know.
A gift from my wife.
I like this jersey too,
this is cool.
Thanks.
Is that Argentinian?
I've never seen zippers
like that.
I think it's Chicago.
My wife,
she's out of town,
she went away with some
girlfriends
on a weekend getaway.
My kids are at
a sleepover.
I thought, all right,
I got some solo time for myself,
so I took the bike out
for a good ride.
Then I got too sad
about a tenth of a mile in
and came in for a drink
four hours ago.
You got a cyclometer
on your handlebars?
Hey! If you guys aren't
gonna be lonely in here,
take it outside!
We're just talking
about gear, man.
We're just talking about
cool gear, all right?
Listen, no word.
And I don't know
what your problem is,
but I just wanna ask you
about this gear
Look, all right,
everybody out.
You guys, out.
No talking.
I told you the rules,
one rule.
ask you a question
I let you guys
in here-- out.
I wanna know, like,
why is this cool,
and you can't even
tell me what it's called?
Outside!
(bartender)
We cannot have words in here,
come on, out, out, out!
(Jon)
I was just trying
to ask this guy
what that thing's called,
it looks cool,
and he was, like,
gotta be a (bleeps)
about it, right?
You don't see 'em
all the time,
and it's like
what's that thing called?
I just wanna know
'cause it's cool.
I don't know
what it's called.
You got a bike, man?
Can I see your ride?
Yeah, you wanna see it?
You got a mountain bike
or you got a road bike?
No, it's a nice red one.
You wanna pick it up?
Holy shit.
It's nothing.
Talk about light.
This is rad, man.
Nice ass handlebars,
the stem is real good.
Yeah, be careful
of the paint.
That's a sick ass
bike, man.
This way.
Once all my friends bailed
and I was alone with my thoughts
and just could focus on
the loneliness,
it got real hard.
And that's when
I felt like just
could use the physical
contact of a hug
and just make,
makes me feel good.
Sometimes that's
all you need, right?
Thanks, man.
It's been really great
to talk to you
about cool, my gear,
and you're such a
Ow, what's going on
back there?
I think a racoon was
What was that?
(slurring)
It was just me.
(slurring)
What's happening here?
(mumbling)
Gear?
Yeah, I'm glad you were
cool with that, huh?
You know, not like those
uptight, lonely dads
who freak out and go run
into some sex shop or something.
Are you even a dad?
(Jon)
I definitely didn't freak out,
but my new dad friend
got me thinking.
Since everyone
I loved abandoned me,
then maybe it was time
to take care of myself.
(woman)
Can I show you?
It's very stretchy, so you put
it on the head of your penis
Oh, oh, yeah.
and it's on the most
sensitive part and all these
little nubs are
And so does this go on the top
of your penis
That's right.
and you just punch it?
No, uh, no.
I can already tell
this one's great.
So that just goes
right?
Right on your penis,
that's right.
It goes right in there.
Mm-hmm.
I can see it, like
It has several speeds.
It's like taking your (bleep)
on the Autobahn.
This looks like
Boba Fett's ship, right?
Yeah.
(imitating spaceship whirring)
I know.
And it lands on planet (bleep).
Looks like something from,
uh, "Finding Dory".
I just took my daughter--
she was a little scared,
she's four and a half.
Those movies go
too far sometimes.
But how about "Inside Out"
where the guy gave up his life?
I mean, that was
I really liked that movie.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
that was deep.
You're right, you're right,
that was really--
it gave me chills
a little bit.
Me too, I'm gonna cry
right now
Yeah.
just remembering it
Mm-hmm.
and my kids are--
I don't have my kids
this weekend.
Oh, yeah.
(sighing deeply)
Let's talk about
something else.
Yeah, let's get back to
something
Lube.
I could put on my (bleep).
This is the show,
right here.
(imitating pump sounds)
Good sound.
Right?
Thanks so much for your help,
I really appreciate it,
and I'm gonna
look forward to going home
and I'm just
gonna go masturbate.
(whirring)
(rotors whirring)
(whirring stops,
Jon sobbing)
(melancholy music)
(Gear-i)
Jon?
Gear-i, you
You're talking to me,
you're not mad?
I wasn't mad.
Why would you think
I was mad?
Because you told me to shut
the mouth I don't have
and keep quiet and not partake
in fun with your friends
who didn't even show up?
No, I'm not mad,
I'm just letting you know you
received a text from your wife.
Gear-i, read it
out loud to me, Gear-i.
She says, "Ugh, the kids
and mom are driving me crazy!
"I hope you're enjoying
your freedom.
See you tomorrow night."
You know, Gear-i,
I gotta say, it's
I don't even care
if my friends didn't show up,
at least I'm not dealing
with that!
Gear-i, bring up gear
suggestions for a guy
that's not tied down
by a wife and two kids.
Here are suggestions
for a midlife crisis.
Yeah, now we're talking,
we're back on track.
Chill Fest!
Gear!
Where's the megaphone?
(Jon)
My wife having an awful time
sobered me up to realize I had
to forget my family
and savor my freedom.
Gear-i, hit me with those sweet
suggestions.
To illustrate to the world
that you're hanging on
by a thread,
I'd recommend drop crotch pants
and a long tailed t-shirt.
(Jon)
Jonny Glaze!
That outfit, yeah,
it looks good.
Not bad, right?
Yeah.
No risk, no reward, right?
I like that.
You like these kicks?
Definitely.
Thanks, dude, because I want
to make sure
there's nothing about this
that should feel like, oh,
that's like a dad that's
unraveling.
To get around town,
I'd recommend a Razor scooter.
(Jon)
Yeah!
Pretty soon they're gonna start
callin' me Jonny Jumps!
Jonny Jumps.
(Jon)
The best part is,
you can hook up a GoPro
for those cool shots.
(hard rock music)
(Gear-i)
Stop by a vape shop
and get yourself
an electronic cigarette
with custom added
mini truck nuts.
(coughing)
(chuckling)
Ohhh. yeaaahhh
Keep it together, Jon.
I have one more gear
recommendation.
(Jon)
Ohhh. yeahhhhh.
(engine revving)
(Gear-i)
A Ferrari F430
Spider sports car.
Yeah, talk about a cherry
on the weekend sundae.
I rented this boss ride to go
cruisin' around the city.
All that's left to do is to hang
these bad boys on the back,
take 'em for
a little spin-- whoops.
Give me one sec.
Whoa!
Oh!
Almost slipped on
some nuts.
Ow!
Shit.
(Bleep)
(Jon)
With precious little time left
in Chill Fest,
I had to figure out
what happened to my foot
and get back to soaking up
the last drops of cool.
I was just stepping
out of my Ferrari,
and I don't even know
what I did.
I didn't even--
there was nothing there.
There was some, like, big rock,
and I almost slipped on it,
but I don't even know
what happened.
It's candy apple red,
by the way, a super sweet look.
Okay, did you hear a pop
or anything, any swelling?
Nope, I didn't hear anything
other than the cool purr
of that Ferrari's engine.
Do you have
any pain here?
No.
No?
Anything here?
Uh, it's tender,
that's kind of
that's kind of where
it flared up.
It doesn't look like
anything's broken.
Honestly, um, maybe just
a touch of arthritis and
Time out.
That's like old people talk.
Hmm
I mean, I'm a young cool guy,
clearly, so,
it can't be arthritis,
right?
Arthritis is when you're old
and you're like right?
Remember that commercial, like,
you try to open the bottle,
it's just two hands, it was just
like a very simple commercial,
and it's just, you know, they--
the hands couldn't open it
because the hands hurt
because of the arthritis.
(whispering)
What was it called?
See, now I can't remember,
maybe it is getting old,
oh, my God.
Geritol, got it,
it's Geritol.
I'm good.
Young and cool.
You certainly are young
and cool, but uh,
I think we need to talk
maybe about your footwear
and wearing something a little
more orthopedic (echoing)
(Jon)
Jonny Blaze (echoing)
Hello!
You gotta stop saying
"arthritis"
and "orthopedic," please.
I'm sorry.
Ooh, boy.
Just start
with your footwear,
a little more
comfortable shoes
with some nice,
comfortable inserts.
You want to go take a look
at what we have?
Uh, yeah.
Not so bad, are they?
Um yeah.
Got great support.
Also two Velcro straps, get your
foot into nice and easy.
(Velcro rips)
It's such a big difference
from those,
you're not gonna be sorry.
Yeah,
it is a big difference.
You're really
gonna thank me.
A good arch support is gonna
help with the arthritis.
Don't say "arthritis"
anymore, please.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
We'll just call it
"cool-thritis," how's that?
Cool-thritis!
Better.
Okay, I'd like for you
to take a little walk.
I'll give it a try.
Not bad, not bad.
How do those feel?
Not so bad.
Wow.
Comfort is cool.
Uh yeah.
Comfort is cool.
(ice cracking)
I mean,
look at that, right?
It's like I took
a few years off.
Whoa, man!
Mmm!
Hey, uh, watch this shit,
man, like
(Bleep) you, old shoes.
There's a new cool
in town.
(upbeat jazz music)
(Jon)
I couldn't believe
how good my feet felt.
For that matter,
I couldn't believe how good
my whole emotional
state of mind felt.
There was no doubt
about it--
thanks to this amazing
old person gear,
I no longer
missed my family.
Jonny Glaze was back!
(Gear-i)
Jon, I have to say,
I haven't see you this happy
in a long time.
Well, that's because
I've never been more comfortable
in my whole life.
Gear!
(shouting)
What's up, hey!
Hi.
Hey, kids, how's grandma's?
Okay.
Did you guys have fun?
Yeah, sweetie,
you're yelling.
I can't hear you,
my cans are too loud!
You're yelling.
Oh, sorry.
Blasting my tunes.
Come on, sweetie.
How nice are these cans,
you guys?
Pretty good bass on 'em,
I'll let you listen later.
Okay, come on.
Did you guys have fun?
Yeah, we had a nice time.
How was grandma's?
You just asked that.
Hey, what should we do
for dinner?
You guys hungry yet?
No, we just got in,
sweetie.
How comfortable
do I look?
Guys, I'm so comfortable.
Get ready,
this is your new daddy.
You guys wanna do Brazilian
food for dinner?
It'll be like we're in Rio
for the Olympics.
All right, I'll see you guys
in a bit-- welcome back!
I'm doing laps
around the neighborhood!
I love you guys!
Glad you're back!
Chill Fest.
(hard rock music)
(Jon)
Ohhhh yeaahhhh!