Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s01e10 Episode Script

1
(Jon)
It's the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
season finale,
and what a season it's been.
Yeah!
From these cool
walking sticks,
to this amazing custom bike,
to this sweet
hockey uniform,
to this cool water bowl,
to these nice
pruning shears,
to this kick-ass fishing rod,
to this cool mitt,
to shredding my first wave,
to this awesome balance board,
to this sweet metal detector,
to learning to box
Gear! Gear!
to this bag in space,
to this cool drone,
there's been so much
gear to love.
So for the "Jon Glaser Loves
Gear" season finale,
we wanted to top all of that
and end on a really big note,
and it doesn't
get much bigger
than an epic maritime adventure
out on the high seas.
So today, on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear," sailing!
Gear!
Gear!
(Jon)
Oh, man, look at this boat!
Look at this location!
Look at this gear.
If we can nail this finale
and stick the landing,
then we really couldn't
have dreamt of a bigger,
better, more stunning way
to finish the season.
Pat, thanks again
for having us out here.
This is amazing.
It's a wonderful thing,
isn't it?
Yeah, this is
a beautiful boat,
there's so much cool gear here
that I've been seeing.
This just looks like
one of them old-time
Bosun pipe.
It's a Bosun pipe.
I was gonna call it
a sea whistle.
(whistling)
I just asked that barge
if they're having
Mexican for lunch.
What's this thing
right here?
That's a marlin spike.
Any guesses
what you'd use it for?
To get some of your
sea burrito in your teeth?
What are those flags
do they mean anything?
They absolutely do.
Each one represents
a letter.
So, we have, uh,
"G" as in "Gulf,"
"E" as in "Echo,"
"A" as in "Alpha,"
"R" as in "Romeo."
And it spells?
Gay-R?
"Gayr"?
Ha! Ha!
You got me,
you're messing with me.
That spells "gear"!
Where did your fascination
with gear in general come from?
I don't know,
I just, uh,
You know, I just think
it's cool, I love it.
There's gotta be
a "why" in there.
No, I think it's just,
you know, I see the gear
and I just love it
and it's so cool and
It's just cool, right?
Why is it so cool enough
for you to do what you do?
Um
I don't know, I hadn't
really thought about it, it
just seemed--
it's just cool.
Just like it should be such
an easy question to answer.
Uh
Just give me a sec,
I gotta sit down for a moment.
(sighing)
Oh, man.
(Jon)
I don't know why I was having
so much trouble
answering the question.
I love gear,
but I started to realize
that I had never thought
to ask myself why.
Why do I love gear?
Uh, I'm gonna head to the front
of the boat for a sec, okay?
Careful.
Yeah.
(Jon)
What is it about gear
that I love?
Why can't I articulate
a good answer?
Is it because there's
something wrong with me?
Was there some kind of void
I was trying to fill?
Gear!
(slower)
Gear!
(much slower)
Gear!
(extremely slow)
Gear!
(Jon's)
I just think it's cool
(echoing)
(Pat)
There's gotta be a "why"
(echoing)
Jon, you all right there?
(eerie music)
(retching in slow motion)
(Jon gasping and screaming)
(Jon continues screaming)
You know what?
I am so happy
that you're having this
breakthrough.
I think it's great,
you know?
And I know
it's difficult.
But this is
the first step, okay?
I think you need to follow
through and find the answer.
I don't even know what
gear, what is gear,
I don't know what gear is.
What is it-- right?
Is air, is air gear?
Is, is this water gear?
Is the water the gear
or is the glass the gear?
You know, when Dennis Miller,
like, when he does a
(imitating Miller)
"Hey, chacha,
look at this chacha guy,"
like, I mean, is that
considered--
is that verbal gear?
I don't think
it's a mystery,
I just think you think
gear is cool.
See, that's what I thought!
But it's not that simple.
Shh
I mean, it can't be!
Okay, okay.
Even if it's just
that I think it's cool.
Why do I think it's cool?
(tea kettle whistling)
Okay, I'm going to get your tea.
I'll be right back.
Why gear?
(Jon)
I decided to begin my journey
to answering the question,
"Why gear?"
with local poet Todd Colby,
hoping that he could help me
articulate the unexpressible.
Jon?
I think I'm done.
Great.
Why gear?
Why not gear?
If they tell me the red rubber
in my shoe will make me faster
then I am open to
the divinity it provides
in my hyperbolic chamber and
danced in my barefoot shoes
I am clear headed in a shirt
that wicks moisture
from my body
There is no death
in compression tights
a spectacular moment
that lacks all fear.
Wow.
That was incredible.
Um
I thought it was gonna rhyme.
Mm-hmm.
But I just want to hold onto it,
I want to read it again
a few times and just
see if that helps
shed any light.
Maybe it might,
and if not, that's all right
Mm-hmm.
See? Like that's kind of
Yeah.
a little more accessible.
Yeah.
We'll see if it helps.
I hope it does.
Good luck on your journey.
Thank you.
Yeah, see Bernie
on the way out, he'll, uh
give you your cash
and your sandwich.
(Jon)
The poem was excellent,
but didn't really provide
the clarity I was looking for,
so I turned to artist
Shaneika Marson
and asked her to make
a painting that was inspired
by the poem that was
written in response
to the question, "Why gear?"
(sighing)
There's so much going on.
I mean, just the fact
that it combines
being so literal and yet
at the same time so abstract,
which is, I feel like
at the essence of this dilemma.
I mean, I wish
you put a hat on me,
just 'cause I like
wearing hats.
(sighs)
Thank you so much.
This is really
No problem, enjoy, I hope
you find your answers.
Thank you.
And if you just want
to talk to Bernie,
he'll help you
sign the paperwork
and he'll get you the cash
and the sandwich
that we agreed to, so
All right, well, enjoy.
Thank you.
(Jon)
I loved the painting,
but felt like I needed a more
abstract approach,
so I asked dancer
Katie Currier
from the Peridance
Contemporary Dance Company
to choreograph a dance that was
inspired by the painting
that was made as a reaction
to the poem
that was written
as a direct response
to the question,
"Why gear?"
Katie, do you
want me to do, like
some music?
I can do mouth music, like
(vocalizing)
No, no, I think
better without.
I can do different genres.
I can do, like, ska
(scatting poorly)
All right
(clears throat)
Sorry.
(clapping)
(sobbing)
I think I'm crying 'cause
I still don't know
what the answer is.
Well, you can see Bernie
for your paperwork,
and, uh, he'll get you
your cash and your sandwich.
(Jon)
Strike one, two, and three
on the poem-painting-dance.
It was time for a new direction
in the quest to answer
the question, "Why"
Gear!
(gong chiming)
(Jon)
So far, my attempts
to answer the question,
"Why gear?"
have only left me
with more questions
and a pretty cool painting.
So I decided to meet
with a Soto Zen priest
to help guide me on a more
spiritual approach.
Thank you very much for
consulting with me on this.
This TV show I'm making
is about my love of gear.
I do love gear, but it started
to become a problem
where I really couldn't
answer the question,
"Why do I love gear?"
Well, how do you answer it?
I just love it, you know,
it's just cool.
That's a good enough reason.
It just felt like
an unsatisfying answer
for some reason.
Why is it unsatisfying?
It felt like I wasn't
articulating it well.
By the way,
these are very cool,
and very comfortable.
I would consider this,
meaning these,
like, that's a piece of gear.
We call this a zafu.
Zafu?
Zafu, uh-huh.
But the real fact is,
we don't need anything
except ourselves.
You, right here,
are enough.
You're perfect and complete,
lacking nothing, as you are.
You have all the gear
and you are the gear, yourself.
You.
(eerie music)
Time out.
You're saying all I need,
all the gear I need,
is right here?
Yes.
(sighing)
(Jon)
If the monk is right
and I am all the gear I need,
then my whole life
has been a sham
and the entire show
is a big lie.
So I met up
with Neil Harbisson,
a cyborg artist who had an
antennae implanted in his head
to help him see colors,
because if I really am gear,
then I want to be
the best ear I can be.
Now, the idea I had, and
I wanted to get your opinion is,
I love Pit Zips.
Are you familiar with Pit Zips?
No.
The Pit Zip is
it's basically a zipper,
that's the "zip" part,
under the armpit-- Pit Zip.
Gives you immediate
ventilation,
and it's just such a cool,
simple design.
It's really one of my favorite
things of all things gear,
it's the number one feature
I look for on a rain jacket.
I was thinking of having
an actual Pit Zip
put into my body.
To me the idea would be putting
the actual zipper here,
that would open
my body to the world.
I would recommend you first
maybe stitch a zip
under your armpits, and then you
get used to having one.
If you get used to it,
then you go for the implant,
and then you do the cut,
you cut it
Ooh, boy.
and then you need
some protection inside,
maybe some silicone,
and then you would open
and then you would have this
Thank you very much,
I'm not gonna do it.
I just decided.
(Jon)
Turned out that turning my body
into gear was clearly
not the path for me.
Back to square one.
So I literally stripped myself
out of the equation
in order to focus
solely on the gear.
I was hoping
that each pose I struck
would bring me one step closer
to the answer I was seeking.
But the journey had taken a
great mental and emotional toll.
I plumbed every
depth of my soul,
going so far so to put
my entire life on hold
so that I could devote
every waking moment
to discovering the one answer
that would finally allow me
to truly live.
"As I close this chapter
of the book
"and this chapter of my life,
"I rest easy in the knowledge
that I am one step closer
to answering the question,
'Why Gear?'"
(weak clapping)
Uh, thank you for coming.
I have copies
of the book for sale
if anyone would like
to purchase one,
I'll be signing them.
I'll take one.
Why don't you
make it out to "Spurt"?
(dramatic music)
Oh-ho-ho!
So it's just been this
ongoing quest to try to
answer the question
for myself and I still
don't feel like I'm
any closer to an answer.
Anyway, man, I'm really sorry
about how everything went down
between us earlier
in the season,
and I feel
really bad about it.
Just don't (bleep)
my wife next time.
She's not your real wife,
dickhead!
I know that you're ten times
more macho than me
and you know more about gear
than I do and
you really should be the one
hosting a show
about gear, not me.
We all-- everyone's been
thinking it, and that's okay,
we all know it,
'cause it's the truth.
Well, I couldn't
disagree more.
You should absolutely be
the host of this show.
It's like you told me
a long time ago,
the name of this show
is "Jon Glaser Loves Gear,"
and at its core,
that's what it's all about.
And that's where you need
to look to find your answer.
I have an idea.
And I think it'll
help you find the answer
to all of your
existential questions.
(softly)
Does it involve gear?
(zipping)
You're wearing
a relaxation hoodie.
I just want you to focus
on your breathing, all right?
Slow things down.
(breathing deeply)
Just melting into the table.
It is.
Okay, let's stop talking.
And I want you to visualize
the ultimate piece of gear.
No, I want you to focus
on all those questions you've
been asking yourself.
What is gear?
Why does gear
mean so much to me?
Why do I love it so much?
Why gear?
Yeah.
And as you ask yourself
that simple question
"Why gear?"
it'll all become clear.
Why gear?
Yeah.
Again.
Why gear?
Again.
Why gear?
Good, again.
Why gear?
Keep repeating.
Why gear?
Why gear?
Why gear?
So you have a pad and paper
on your right
a marker on your left.
When you're ready
I want you to take your hands
out of your pockets slowly.
And without looking,
I want you to draw
what it is you're seeing
in your mind right now.
(breathing heavily)
(marker scratching)
(whispering)
Is that it?
Okay.
(Leslie)
So, this is supposed to be me.
Yes.
Okay, and I'm the answer
to the question, "Why gear?"
Yes!
I don't get it, Jon,
I don't get this,
I don't understand what you're
trying to tell me here at all.
This journey
it has been incredible.
Great, I'm happy.
But, everything I did,
every person I talked to,
every question I answered,
I got no closer to the answer.
Oh.
I even got so desperate
that I legally changed
my middle name.
Jonathan Matthew
Pit Zips Glaser?
Why would you do
something like this?
You know how much
I love Pit Zips--
it's the number one feature
I look for in a rain jacket.
I-I-I-- stop right now.
Okay, I know you know that
Thank you.
But I did it because I thought
it was gonna help.
I got this tattoo.
Ugh!
I was gonna put an actual
Pit Zip in my body
and I thought
that was too much,
so I did the tattoo
and look how stunning it is!
It's terrible, it's permanent.
I know it's permanent.
It looks cool.
No, it doesn't,
it looks really bad.
Regardless,
nothing I did helped
until I meditated
on the answer,
and this is the image
that came to my mind.
You are the answer.
My love for gear--
it's my love for you.
Don't you see?
Oh, my
I have so much love
for you that..
I couldn't possibly
smother you with it,
so some of that love
has been transferred
and manifested itself
into my love of gear,
but my love of gear is really
just my love for you.
You are the ultimate
piece of gear.
(sighing sadly)
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Sadly, it does.
Really?
Gear.
(mouthing words)
(whispering)
Come on.
Gear!
Ugh.
(Jon)
Turns out the answer
to the question "Why gear?"
was always right in front
of my face.
Yes, I think gear is cool,
but I love it because
it's an extension of my wife,
so in light of this
profound discovery,
we decided to renew our vows,
surrounded by family,
friends, and gear.
(Gear-i on PA)
Here comes the bride,
All dressed in gear
She has some
walking sticks--
Oh.
(organ playing
"Here Comes the Bride")
(sighing)
And now, Leslie,
as we continue the renewal
of your marriage vows,
repeat after me,
"I, Leslie King Glaser."
I, Leslie
Leslie
Hey, Jon.
Sorry.
"Do solemnly swear"
Do solemnly swear
Jon?
Sorry.
They have compression
socks over there.
I don't care.
I know.
"To love you until--"
Actually, give me one sec,
Gear-i, just
check this out.
This suit that I got,
I put a Pit Zip in it
Okay.
Isn't that cool?
The suit actually
comes with this pocket.
Okay.
Isn't that cool?
Awesome.
Let's just skip
to Jon's vows.
(clears throat)
Okay.
Okay.
Um
(sighing)
Leslie, I
love you
more than anything
in the world.
And the kids, you guys
mean so much to me.
(crying)
You should show
this side of you more, Jon.
You're sexy when
you're vulnerable.
(Jon)
Not now, Gear-i.
And I'm so sorry
for putting you
through everything
this year with the cameras
and the show and all the gear
and all the stuff,
and I really hope you
understand why I cast this
such a hot woman
to play you.
(Leslie)
Okay.
(Jon)
'Cause you're
you're that hot
in my heart.
Give it a rest.
I love you so much.
I love you too, baby.
Okay, Gear-i.
(sighing nervously)
The ring, please.
Check this out.
(rotors whirring)
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
I'm good, I'm good.
(hard rock music)
(clears throat)
(whirring fades)
Awesome.
Jon, repeat after me.
"With this gear"
With this gear
"I, Jonathan Matthew
Pit Zips Glaser"
I, Jonathan Matthew
Pit Zips Glaser
"do thee rewed."
do thee rewed.
You may now kiss the bride.
Love you.
Love you.
(applause)
(both sigh and laugh)
And now I would like to
renew my vows with you,
the TV audience
for another season
of "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".
Guys, let's go, let's go.
Come on, you don't need
to see this, come on, let's go.
Come on, come on, let's go.
(Jon panting and kissing)
Gear!