Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e01 Episode Script


This year we're gonna start
with something big.
First episode, season two,
It's a fun sport, lot of action,
lot of cool gear.
I got this sweet uni,
sweet knee pads--
check out these shoes, right?Cool.
How cool are those?
Those are sweet.And of course,
you got the sweet ball
going on.
I love the blue
and white colors.
It's like a totally fun sportYeah.
to start things off with.
Here's, like,
the big idea I got.
We get Pitbull--
he and I do a volleyball song--
[singing poorly]
Bump set spike
Girl you know I love ya [laughing]
Just kickin' the salsa.
[vocalizing salsa]
[laughing]Wouldn't that be awesome?
It'd be so fun!Yeah.
That sounds great.Yeah.
Hey, where is Steve,
by the way?
We thought he'd be
at the meeting, you know,
maybe taking his
shirt off again?
Well, if all you guys wanted
was a hunky TV host
taking his shirt off, I'll help
you guys out with that.
Oh, no, no, no, we're okay.It's all right, check it out.
There we go.
You guys remember I ran
the New York marathon last fall.
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
What do you guys think?
Pretty good, right? Not bad?
I guess they didn't
want to, uh,
see a marathon body
up close.
They're super busy.Sure.
When you're confronted
with an elite athlete
Uh-huh.especially a natural Jewish
athlete like myself, you see
that up close, it's like
You didn't realize how good
a shape these guys were in,
especially marathon runners.Mm-hmm.
It's like, lean and mean,
like, Bruce Lee body, you know.
Yeah.Listen, I'm glad
you brought up Steve because
I wanted to talk about
his role in the show
this season.
Um Steve's a great guy.
We all love Steve.
He's the best.He's my "Spurt".
But last season,
when he [bleep] my wife
[man and woman moaning]
The actress who plays
your wife.
Yeah, but for all intents
and purposes, it was my wife.
Okay, when he did that
and we fired him,
and he was gone for
pretty much the whole season,
I thought it was fine.Yeah, you know,
it's funny you bring
all that up because
we actually wanted
to talk about Steve too.
Great.We actually want more Steve.
Oh.Steve tested really well
with both men and women.
We think seeing
much more of him on camera
will be great
for the show.
But, hey, that plays great,
for volleyball.
You guys could be
a beach volleyball team.
Yeah, that works.
Yeah, listen, and--
last season I was the star,
I got all the attention
and all the press.
Let's, like let's spread
the wealth this year.
Well, we'd also like Steve
to be the host.
[dramatic thud]
Take a look.
What do you think of that?
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear
With Your Host Steve Cirbus".
Am I even in this?
Where am I?
Yeah, yeah,
you're right down here.
Oh, there I am.
It's kind of small, right?
Isn't that small?
Well, if you imagine
on a billboard.
Yeah, I think something
like this could work, same page.
I can't believe you're being
so cool about this.
We actually had
an office poll going
about what your
reaction would be,
and a lot of people just
lost a lot of money.
Can't wait to see what Steve
and his new Spurt come up with.
[chuckles]Yeah, why don't I call Steve
and give him the news?Yeah.
I think it'd be fun,
we can have a fun moment,
celebrate and then, uh,
I'll follow up
with you, all right?
Sounds good to me.Sounds good.
Let's kick things off here.
Season two.
Pretty good.
Maybe you should
host the show.
[both laughing]
Can't wait to meet Pitbull!

It makes perfect sense to me
that they want Steve
on camera more.
I mean,
he's a much more confident,
qualified host, you know?
But you could be, like,
the goofy sidekick who's like,
"I love that gear!"
And he's always pointing
at the camera, right?
Like the silly clown.
And you'd be home more
with the kids, too, so
Yeah, could we just
talk about this inside?
It's really cold out.
No, we already
talked about this.
I still don't want the guys
to come in here and film, okay?
Oh, hey, Smokey,
how you doing?
Hey, nice to see you.Yeah, you too.
Okay, so I'll see you later.

So, we got a little good news
and bad news to start
things off season two.
The good news is
we are doing a lot
of super cool episodes
this season,
starting it off with
Sweet! I love volleyball!
Yeah, dude, we are
gonna be nadz deep
in a lot of sweet gear
this season!
[deep voice]
Nadz deep.
What's the bad news?The bad news is,
the network wants to fire you.[dramatic rumbling]
What?Yes, but
here's the deal.
You didn't test well
last season, apparently,
and they didn't think I needed
a sidekick this year.
And I thought that was
total bullshit.
I fought like hell for you, so
it's not a lost cause just yet.
You'll have to do this solo
outdoor winter survival
challenge, uh, no crew,
no tent, no gear,
uh, no food.
Just you and your
outdoor know-how.
If you do that,
you stay on.
Now, just out of curiosity,
what would be
the hardest challenge
you could do
where there's a real
possibility, however remote,
that you might not
make it out alive?
I guess it would be
going in with no tools.
I mean, I would have to
flintknap stone tools
in order to make
a primitive fire kit.
But by the time I collected
all my materials,
I'd probably
have hypothermia,
so then it'd be a race
against the clock,
just to get a coal.
Once I had a coal,
I could make my big fire
Yeah, but even then,
you know, I mean
by, by that time
I'd probably have frostbite
in my outer extremities,
that I'd lose
the ability to function.
I couldn't even get a coal.
I mean, I'm game to try it,
but I think it's impossible.
That's crazy, 'cause,
uh, that's like
pretty much the exact scenario
that the network described
when they said, "Here's what
we want Steve to do."
And I was like--
I did that same face,
I was like, [bleep] you, dude!
No [bleep] way!
He gets-- he gets a tool!
And they were, like, you got it,
'cause you know what,
when the star of the show talks,
the network listens,
you're getting a tool, dude,
and I would say
that's like,
in this whole
volleyball scenario,
I'd call that
a bump set spike.
Oh, yeah!
That's how you kick off
season two!
It's basically what happened.
The network, they wanted
to fire Steve and I said no.
I really fought for him
because that's what
best friends do for each other.
Good for you, dad.
But personally,
I don't think you need Steve.
It's called "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear,"
starring the comedy
genius himself.
Thank you, son.The show isn't called
"Macho Muscly Meathead
Is Good At Stuff".
Macho Muscly Meathead
Uh you ready, Spurt?
Hey, listen, if you don't
hear from me in a week,
you come in and get me,
all right?
Oh, yeah, of course,
for sure.
Um, hey, what did, uh,
what you choose for your tool
that I so graciously
fought for you to have?
My dad's old huntin' knife.
I've had it with me for every
survival camp I've ever done.
Let's hope it serves me
well now.
Yeah, rad.
Hey, uh, what's with
the drone?
Oh, I thought this'd be
a good idea for the show,
to at least document
the attempt.
Oh, yeah, cool idea.
You know, I was actually
gonna surprise you with this
when the season started.
It's one of those drones that
you can program to follow you.
I thought it'd be funny,
you know,
kind of like my own
sidekick, like Gear-i?
Yeah, hey, Gear-i,
check it out.
Hi. Hello, I'm Drone-i Maloney.
[romantic music playing]
I'll be shadowing Steve
and capturing footage
of his survival challenge.
Whoops! I-I didn't mean to--
that music was-- your eyes
are just-- I mean-- sorry, hi.
You're cute.
Ah, well, good to meet you,
Drone-i, this is Gear-i.
Can't wait for Steve to come
out of this thing alive
and check out
all your cool shots.
[heavy rock music]
Well, good luck, friend.
I really wanted to thank you,
again, really, from
the bottom of my heart,
for going to the network
and fighting for me,
letting them know how bad
you want me on the show,
you know, thank you
for doing that, man,
I really appreciate it.
So, thank you.
My family thanks you.
See ya.
Let's go, Drone-i. See ya around, Gear-i.
I hate to see you go,
but I love to
watch you fly away.
Cool gear![Steve whistles]
Jon, can you describe to me
what the human orgasm
feels like?
Yeah, maybe another
time, Gear-i.
[dramatic music]
[wind blowing]
All right, Gear-i.
I gotta prove to the network
that I am as worthy of
hosting the show as Steve.
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
Do you think Drone-i would have dinner with me sometime?
Focus please, Gear-i.
Gear-i, pull up a photo
of Steve, please.
Shirt on, please.
That's a good one.
How can I
become Steve?
Shirtless shot again,
Back to bald head.
[snaps fingers]
I got it.
Step one-- get a tough-looking
buzz cut just like Steve's,
so I headed to Brooklyn Master
Barbershop to get a sweet,
new doo, and check out
some sweet grooming gear.
I brought my fake son with me
since he's the ultimate
sycophant to make me feel good
about myself, and also a paid
actor who has no choice
but to go where he's told
and say his lines.
Yeah, this thing's cool.
I just love those foils
on there.
Do you turn it on right here?Yes.
That's a sweet sound.Yeah.
[imitating buzzing]
And what's
the little clipper?
[imitates lower buzzing]
[imitates lower buzzing]
Oh, a three part harmony.
[all buzzing in harmony]
What would you like?So here's, here's what
I'm going for.
I have an old
sidekick on the show--
he's not in
the show anymore
but I want to kind of
emulate his look.
That's him.Whoo.
I need to look pretty tough.All right, we can do that.
Ready to do it?Yeah, let's buzz that fuzz!
Let's buzz that fuzz![loud smack]
Buzz that fuzz!
Brush this first, right?
There you go.
And then, voila!
I don't wanna do this.
No, I'm gonna stop.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna do--
do a different look altogether.

I realized that
instead of just copying Steve,
I should create my own
unique, macho look.
So you could look now.
Oh, yeah!
Lookin' pretty bad.
What do you think, son?
You look awesome!You're [bleep] right, I do.
Tough As [bleep].
Next up, get some
boss tats like Steve.
I'm kind of looking to
toughen up my image.
Okay, what kind of thing
are you thinking of getting?
Well, I want to give
this image of, like,
this guy's tough,
this guy's cool.
So, I figured I would do
a combo of, like, gear stuff,
personal stuff, like,
I love guac
and I'd love to have that
represented on
my body somewhere.
Ho-ho-ho, yeah!
That is sweet!
Ooh, I like the little
bits of guac seasoning.
Guac and roll!
I want to get my family.
The hot wife is
the fake family,
and the regular looking wife
is the real family.
We do this thing on my show
with a megaphone where I yell,
Gotta do that one.
Like, a hoverboard I thought
could look kick-ass.
Like, a grappling hook,
like, some barbed wire,
like some of the classics?
I got this really
sweet hat that I had made.
Could you do maybe like,
"mmm, right"?
Like, in here somewhere?
Yeah, yeah, there you go.Yeah, nice.
I'm so psyched! Let's get
these on my body, man!
Let's get tatted up!
[loud rock music]
Yeah, dad, let's get
some ink on those guns!
Whoo! Let's do this, Joe!
Here we go.Whoo!
[buzzing]No, stop, stop!
I don't want to do it.What?
I don't want to do it.
Charlie, let's go. Let's go.
I decided it would be better
to give myself more options
long-term if I didn't go
permanent on the tats.
Oh, way, way better
than the real thing.
First of all, they're like,
completely realistic looking.
Who's that?That's me.
Look at the camera.
Now that I look tough as hell,
it's time to act tough as hell.
This is Steve's gym
for CrossFit,
which means it's my gym
for CrossFit.
Steve Cirbus, is that
a familiar name at all?
Yeah, actually, he's, uh, he's
a good friend of mine, um
Oh.He coached us back in 2014,
uh, to the CrossFit Games.
He coached you to
the CrossFit Games.
Coached us, six athletes.
Would you say Steve
is an impressive specimen?
[lion roaring]
He's a bad-ass athlete.Yeah, so
Yeah.I want to, like,
prove to the network
that I'm just as macho.
Okay.And I want to try to do
all the things he does
and either match it
or do a little bit better.
Maybe I'm not there yet,
but I know I can get there,
but I got, like,
a week or two to do it.
[loud rock music]
Stay loose with the grip,
drive with the hips.
You're doing good dad!Thanks, son.
What is this weight here?That's about 18 pounds.
This is 18?
What does Steve do?Um, he normally uses the red,
which is about 72 pounds.
[lion roaring]
Yeah, keep those elbows in.
[fake son chanting]
Better than Steve!
Better than Steve!a little more speed.
That felt good, right?[loud smack]
[lion roaring]
Continue with those waves.
Try to stay balanced.
Yeah, I'm done!
How long can Steve do that?
For, like,
about 30 seconds?
He can hold a two-minute.[lion roaring]
I want to show
the network
what a bad boy
they got here.
Sure, what would you be taking?Can I put one of those chains
around my neck?
Yeah!You did great, dad!
[loud clanging]
Hey, Gear-i,
check this out.
This is how tough guys
eat an apple.
Like that.
A gear a day keeps
the doctor away.
Good one, Gear-i.
Let's check in on Steve's feed,
see how he's doing.
Boy, he sure looks cold,
doesn't he?
I just hope Drone-i's okay.
My God, his feed is dead.
Oh, no!
We didn't even get
to know each other.
When I broke
the good news to Steve
that you guys wanted him
to host the show,
he was really excited,
but he got really nervous,
and he told me that
to prove to the network
that he was worthy of
hosting the show,
he was gonna do this--
basically he said an
impossible survival challenge.
So, I was just watching
the footage of Steve
on my laptop and, you know,
he's out in the woods,
he looks so cold and just weak,
and then it's just like--
[snaps fingers]
--just like that,
Drone-i's feed went dead.
And we sent out a search
and rescue team
Nothing, not a trace of Steve.
We didn't find Drone-i.
I mean, he's just gone.
For all we know, like,
he succumb to frostbite
and fell in a river
and then, like,
a moose ate him or something,
I don't know.
Do moose eat people?
Anyway, regardless,
this feels like it's all on you.
Hey, what 's, uh
happening up top?
Oh, yeah, I got, like,
a little tough guy trim,
and I'm, you know,
doing a little test drive
on some tats,
getting a little try out,
see how that feels.
Anyway, you know,
good news, bad news.
Steve is gone but,
uh, Jonnie G
is lookin' buff, tough,
and ready for stuff!
Let's do this!
[loud heavy funk music]
A hot spark
you could not strike ♪
On that cold
and wintry height ♪
So it's bump set spike
on your life ♪
[vuvuzelas blaring]
[on PA]
A heartfelt thank you
to Pitbull tribute
performer, Rottweiler,
for that beautiful song.
Now, I believe Jon has a few
words he would like to say.
[clears throat]
Uh, thank you, Daniel,
and Rottweiler,
let me just echo that--
just a beautiful,
touching tribute to Steve.
[Barcelonan accent]
Grathias, mi amigo, baldito.
Speaking ofamigo balditos,
what can I say
about Steve?
He was my friend,
my brother, my Spurt.
And while we all
may be very sad today,
we can at least take solace
in the fact that Steve died
doing what he does best--
being macho as [bleep].
I begged Steve not to go
mano y mano with Mother Natch.
But God works
in mysterious ways.
Who knows why he made
Steve so manly
as to make the network want him to be a bigger part of my show,
inspiring Steve to want
to really prove his worth
and take on that impossible
survival challenge?
I think Steve would've
wanted all of us to move on
from this clearly
preventable tragedy,
and I know he would've wanted me to hire a new sidekick ASAP.
And even though there
will never be another Spurt,
I'm gonna do my best to fill
those size ten Thorogoods.
And now several members of
Steve's CrossFit gym
would like to come up here
and honor Steve
with a 21-flex salute.
[horn playing "Taps"]
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,
Wyatt, you need to stay strong.
Guys, I'm gonna sit with
the Cirbuses for a second, okay?
Members ready!
Ready! Aim!
Flex! [gunshot]
I sure am going
to miss Drone-i.
This may sound crazy,
but I think I loved her.
Well, that's very
gallant of you, Gear-i.
You always tell me how you're
feeling, and I appreciate that.
So, what are you going
to do for a new sidekick?
I don't know, you know,
I gotta find someone
who's the anti-Steve,
someone un-macho,
kind of un-everything,
you know?
Next week we're gonna dip
our lanyards in chocolate
and make scented candles!
Okay, guys, let's get up
and do the good-bye dance, okay?
All right, on my count.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, and wave!
Uh, I think I might've found
him, Gear-i. Hold tight.
Bye, guys,
have a good weekend.
Your parents are here, you can
meet them outside, okay?
How's it going?Hey, dad.
How's it going?
How was camp?
Pretty good, thanks.You have fun?
Yeah, Bowen taught us a lot.Oh, sweet, hey,
would you go wait
for me in the hall?
I'm gonna talk to Bowen
really quick.
Okay.Yeah, I'll catch up in a sec.
What's up, everybody?
How's it going?
Oh, yay, more cameras.
I know, I'm sorry, uh
life of a TV star-- gotta take
these guys everywhere I go.
Hey, what's up, guys?
You remember me?
I'm Nate's dad.
I look different, right?
I got a haircut,
got some tattoos.
Look pretty tough, right?
Who thought I was
a movie star over there?
Yeah, it's probably
kind of far away.
Hey, um can I talk to you
for a second?
Can it be on camera also,
is that okay?
Okay.Just really quick.
I'm so sorry.
Be right back,
you guys, just let me, uh--
borrowing your counselor.
Not gonna hurt him,
don't worry.
He's joking.
So, sorry about
the cameras,
you know, we're shooting another
season of my gear show, and um,
my sidekick from last season,
he just died in the woods,
so I need a new one, and I--
I just think you're so great
with the kids, you know,
I love the way
you connect with them,
and you're really sensitive
and tuned in to their feelings.
And I kind of feel like,
you know,
maybe you could even
help me in that way.
And you're a great dancer,
and we could do, like,
a dance episode and,
you know,
you could show the kids
how sometimes it's good to get
outside your
comfort zone, right?
Wait-- so you'll do it?
Sure, I'll give it a try.Oh, yeah!
You are not gonna
regret this.
Matter of fact,
check these out, man.
How sweet are these?
Check 'em out.
You're a glasses guy,
keep 'em.
They could be your,
like, good-bye song glasses.
Oh, this is something we do
in the show, like,
if I ever do,
like, a funny joke
or if there's a weird moment
and we gotta, like,
punch it with something,
we'll bring in the megaphone
and I'll turn into it
and I'll just scream, gear!
And this year the sidekick's
probably gonna do it
a little bit.
You wanna try it?
I'm good, I'm good.Really?
Yeah.All right, I'll show you
how it goes,
this is how it goes.
[girl screaming]
It's okay, it's okay.
Sorry, sweetie,
I didn't mean to scare you.
Doing a funny thing for my show,
with my new sidekick.
You start tomorrow,
I'll send you the address.
It's gonna be sweet!
Bowen was reluctant at first,
but he really liked the idea
of setting a good example
for the kids about
facing your fears.
So, we got him a shirt
and celebrated
by having him
make me a salad.
I have some big news.
I have settled on a sidekick.
Oh.I thought I could bring him in
and you could meet him,
but I think it would be
much cooler if you met him
in the same way that America
is gonna first meet him,
and that is
on their TV screens.
Check it out.
[JGLG theme music]
What do you think?
That's sweet.I told the new sidekick
you guys paid big bucks.
Guac and roll!
Oh, [bleep] this goddamn thing!
I'm sick of this--
having it on my head!
I'm done!
Sorry, Daniel, justIt's all right.
I just-- you know, I had
had this thing on my--
what, it's been weeks, right,
since I started,
put this thing on and it just--
I haven't washed my hair and,
and it's really itchy and
it was, like, driving me nuts.
But get pumped for
season two, man,
we're still gonna
guac and roll this.
I'm might take these off too,
but, uh, get pumped,
it's gonna be sweet!
Don't forget,
big bucks for the sidekick!
I'll see ya!
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