Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e02 Episode Script


Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear"
Ow! What the [bleep], Gear-i?
What? I thought
you were ready.
No, I say "tennis"
and then--
Cut it out, Gear-i!
Ow! Gear-i!

So, for today's episode,
my beautiful wife Leslie still
won't allow cameras in the home,
but she has graciously
agreed to appear on camera
since we're taking part
in a couples tennis tournament.
She still wants
her face blurred,
but this was huge for me
and the show.
I brought along my brand-new
Spurt to be my ball boy,
and I've got Gear-i loaded up
with training apps
to improve my tennis game.
Everything from monitoring
fitness levels
to measuring the speed
of my serve.
Oh! Whoops.
That's you, Spurt,
let's go!
Got it.Speed! Speed!
Squirrel gets nut,
squirrel grabs nut
and takes nut back to tree,
that's your motivation.
Do I have to stand
on my knee like this?
Yeah, that's what
the ball boy does.
If you need a towel, go for it.Okay.
All right, ready for a serve?Yes!
You don't want to stand
at the baseline?
This could be
comin' in hot.
Let me just go for this
and see what happens.
All right.
Ah, crap.
Let's go, Spurt, hustle up.
That's you--
let's go, go, go!
Gear-i, how fast was
that serve? About 90?
It was 39 miles
an hour.
Thirty-- yeah, that was
at least in the 70's, please.
Yeah, can we tone it down
a little bit, Jon?
If I'm nailin' my serves
and they can't return it,
they get no points and we win.
I know, but if you don't
get it in,
then it doesn't matter
how hard you hit it.
I'm getting there.
I'm warming up right now.
Okay.I'm also feeling
very fit, I got some
residual endurance
from running the marathon.
[deep voice]
Ran the 'thon!
That was, like, last November,
so I don't think so.
That all carries over.
I ran four days a weekOkay.
Sixteen week
training program,
so I still feel
like that's all stored.
check out this serve.
Spurt, you ready?
Oh, bad hit, go get it.
That was intentional.
I know.
The ball boy's job
is to get--
retrieve the ball
when it goes into the net.
Basic ball boy stuff.
That'd be like saying,
"I work in a construction site.
"Oh, that jackhammer's
too dangerous."
This is not a jackhammer.This is.
Heads up, everybody!
The Jackhammer's here!
Watch out for a serve
from the Jackhammer!
[vocalizing jackhammer]
Get it, Spurt.
Damn it.I wish you'd get this excited
about other
couples activities.
Well, if other couples
had more gear involved
I'd get excited about them.
Lots of couples
activities have gear.
Yeah? Name one.
Okay, cooking, painting,
star gazing, wine tasting
Or couples massage, you can
talk about the table
I'm talking about,
like, cool gear, okay?
Like, this sweet racket tape,
and my compression sleeve, okay,
that's the kind of gear
I'm talking about.
So, like, sports gear.
Maybe, I mean,
just cool stuff.
Well, if you're into gear and
you want to do gear-type stuff,
why don't we go
shopping for, like,
tennis outfits
for the tournament?
You'd go gear shopping with me?Yeah, that sounds fun.
Wow, great yes.
Wow, first my wife agrees to be
on camera for the tournament,
now she's offering to
let us film her joining me
on a gear-related
shopping spree?
This was about as major
a step in our relationship
that I could hope for.
[vocalizing jackhammer]
Shit. [Bleep].
Yeah, so I mean, since Leslie
agreed to appear on camera,
we really won't need you
at all this episode.
And I'm sorry,
because I know how much
you love doing
the show and
you and I have such
a great chemistry and--
I get paid either way.Oh, sure.
And this is actually a really
good time to get some time off.
I've got some big news.Oh.
What's up? Did you get
a modeling job with
doing some Icelandic
panties or something?
Oh, I'm sorry-- Eva,
this is my new Spurt.
Hi.I hate this shirt, by the way.
Do I really
have to wear it?
Can't it just actually say my
real name on it or something?
I mean, uh, you're the Spurt
and that's the shirt.
I don't know what to tell ya.
It looks good on ya.
So, yeah, Eva, whatever
your news is--
Jon, I'm, I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God, Eva, that's great!
Thank you.
Yeah, it was a
bit unexpected
[voice fades,
random drum sounds]
I love babies.
[random drums continue]Is it your first?
Is it mine?
Jon, we've never
even kissed.
I know, I'm just saying
sometimes, you know, when you,
when you fantasize about
something long and hard enough
it just comes true, right?
I mean, wasn't that
how Jesus was born?
Like, that's a fantasy baby,
basically, right?
How disgusting.
I'm so sorry, Eva.
Why-- how is that
How is Jesus
disgusting, Spurt?
I'm just trying
to figure out how,
how my baby would've
got in there.
Jon, it's not your baby.
Well, who's the father?
I don't know.
All right, that's okay.
Let's see if
we can figure it out.
I mean, we're crossing me
off the list
Yeah.although I don't know if
that's 100 percent, but
Steve is a possibility, right?
Or I guess his wife?
So, look, Eva, I know that I'm
your onscreen husband, but
you know, I'm also
your offscreen friend,
and I just want you to know
that I'm gonna be there
for you, no matter what.
I'm fine.
We're havin' a baby!
I was really excited
to help Eva raise her baby,
so we headed over
to Babesta,
to shop for some
brand-new baby gear.
This is nice.
Oh, magnets!
That's neat.
Did you guys have
any questions or anything?
Hi, we are shopping
for some baby gear.
Uh, I'm not the father,
just so you know.
I have this TV show
and my real wife
didn't want to be on camera,
so we hired an actress,
who is Eva, to be my TV wife,
and since she doesn't know who
the father is, I volunteered,
you know, to fill that role for
her since there's no real dad.
Gotcha.This is a double stroller
here, right?
Yeah, this is a Vista.
You can add two children to it.
Yeah, I would recommend
a double stroller
just in case
you get twins!
Right? Just in case?
Having addressed
the twinsituation,
we headed to the back
of the store to check out
all the super cute stuff.
These are so cute.
You want one, Spurt?
Want a French fry?
Hands off!
So cute-- so cute--
it's so cute-- so cute--
So cute!
These are cute.
So cute.
So cute.
Isn't this the cutest?
Oh, my God,
that is so cute.
Oh, my God, you guys,
how cute is this?
Worm alert! Ahh!
Oh! Whoa shit.
Oh, boy.
So, I envy you so much,
what you're about to experience.
I mean, it's like,
gonna fly by,
so just even in this store,
like, cherish every moment.
Sorry. Gear!
It's Leslie. Ge--
Hey, honey, guess what?
You're pregnant!
What are you talking about?
I mean, Eva's pregnant,
is what I meant.
She's pregnant, and she
plays you, so you're pregnant,
so I was making a joke.
Yeah, where are you?
You were supposed
to be here a while ago.
Remember, we were going
shopping for the tournament?
Yes, I'm so sorry,
I totally got caught up
in all the Eva news
and I was getting
so excited, just like,
re-living all these moments.
Oh, man. I'll just
catch up with you later,
just, like, buy whatever
Get, like, a skirt
that shows a little tush.
Have fun shopping
for gear!
[clock ticking]
And there's your baby.
[hard rock music]
Look at that, Eva,
how about that?
Although you should know
it's not our baby,
it's just her and some
mystery guy right now.
She just plays my
TV wife on my show, uh,
but since we don't know
who the dad is,
I volunteered to step up
to the plate and help.
And who are you?
I'm just here for
emotional support.
We're gonna get
through this, right?
There's a lot of
cool gear in here.
We could do
a medical episode.
What are these, by the way?
These things are cool.
Ma, feed us.
[normal voice]
Like baby birds in a nest.
I'm hungry, tweet-tweet.
And the mommy bird comes in
[pretends to vomit]
Eva, look at this,
watch-- Gear!
All right, are you ready?Yeah.
And open your eyes!
What do you think?
What's different?
Uh, I baby-proofed
the whole house!
You mean I baby-proofed
the whole house.
We did it together,
and I supervised.
First of all, you'll notice
on every electrical outlet
So cute!
socket covers.
These are very important.
The baby is low to the ground,
we don't want any, like
[imitates electricity]
Right? I like fried chicken
but I don't like fried babies.
Come over right here,
this is next.
So cute!
Check this out.
We got every corner covered
with these cushions.
The baby is crawlin' around
[blows raspberry]
that could literally
destroy the baby.
Every corner covered, uh,
it's also Spurt-proof,
'cause I've seen
Spurt walk around like,
"Uh, I'm on my phone,
uh, uh-- ugh!"
That's not gonna happen.
These are kind of cool.
[baby voice]
I want to get in there,
I want to play,
I'm dumb baby,
I don't know any better.
Not gonna happen
with this sweet gear.
So cute!
We've got awesome
baby gates, okay?
Baby cannot get out.
If anything goes wrong,
which it won't,
we are covered
because I have put security
cameras everywhere
in this house,
and I mean everywhere.
Number one, that's for safety,
of course, but number two,
that's gonna give us a lot of
super cool shots.
[hard rock music]
All right,
let's get upstairs
to see the cutest room
in the house.
It's the nursery!
[hard rock music]
First of all,
isn't this beautiful?
Wow.How awesome is this?
I mean, every nursery,
you want to have
a beautiful family portrait.
Of course, mommy, extended
family, and you know,
just a father figure
is nice to have in there.
I think it turned out great.I don't know.
Anyway, look at all
this cool stuff.
This thing's awesome--
gotta have a baby monitor,
and they're so much better
than when I had kids.
And look at this, like--
mommy, I'm tired. My, my diapie has poopie, come get me
Jon, this is all nice, but
Actually, Spurt,
can you get in there?
I want to show Eva
how this works.
Okay.And this thing's awesome,
this is just like--
[hard rock music]
So cute!
Just, like, lay down
like you're taking a napOh, Bowen, you don't have to.
playing or sleeping or
I don't know if
there's enough room.
Oh, there's plenty of room.
JonThere you go.
Look at that cute,
little baby.
Oh, isn't that
baby so cute?
Well, you get
the point, Eva, and--
this is my favorite part--
look at this mobile.
So cute!
Huh? Megaphones
like the show!
[hard rock music]
They work, watch--
Jon, could I just Gear!
Baby'll be down here,
go goo-goo, gah-gah
Jon, I'm not going to be
spending the night here.
Shouldn't we be doing stuff
in my actual apartment?
Listen, the network, they'll
set you up at your apartment,
but when you're working here
you'll bring the baby here.
You know, especially
since I'm, like
the temporary dad until
you figure things out.
Jon, you're not
the temporary anything.
I-I appreciate everything
that you're doing for me,
but I have to do this
by myself.
[Gear-i beeps]
Excuse me, Jon.
You have a tennis lesson
in five minutes with Leslie.
Shit. Forgot--
we gotta go, guys.
Spurt, come on,
out of there.
Sweetie, hi!
What the hell, Jon?
I know.You missed another lesson!
I know. I'm sorry.
Hi, Eva.Hi.
Nice to see you.
Thank you.
Sweetie, I'm really sorry.
Hey, Spurt,
would you go turn
that machine off, please?
Sweetie, we were at the fake
house, I baby-proofed it
and I just got
so wrapped up in it
and I didn't want to bail
on her and I'm really sorry,
but I had a really
good brain fart, like,
what if we put Eva
on our insurance
and she moves in with us,
and then you can, like,
coach her with the pregnancy
and help her and, like,
give her advice?
Yeah, I don't really
know about the insurance,
but I'm happy
to give her advice,
if that's something you want.
Yeah, yeah, that would be great.Okay.
All right, super.
I'm gonna go change,
we'll finish our lesson.
Lesson's over, man.Whatever, you guys can have
a little preg talk. Awesome.
See ya in a minute!
I'm so sorry, Leslie.Yeah, me too.
Spurt, Spurt, clean up these
balls, please, for my wife?
Thank you.
I swear, I am not
making him do this.
I-I mean, it was nice
at first,
but I didn't even
want his coat.
That's okay. Sit down.
No, don't, don't worry about it,
I mean, he doesn't listen.
No, he really doesn't, I mean,
he's in my face all the time.
I know, I'm so sorry, you know,
but he gets carried away,
like, he gets an idea and he
just has to follow it through,
it's completely annoying.
And I hate to say
this to you,
but I just kind of
feel sorry for him.
Yeah, he can be a real pain,
but he means well.
You should really
feel sorry for me.
Till death?Oh, boy, oh, my God.
Spurt, bring me another ball?
No, no-- whoa, whoa, whoa,
you don't walk up.
This ball boy
does not walk over.
This ball boy
and this ball boy,
they have different roles
and different jobs.
The ball boy there,
you're on your knee you go
get the balls and go back.
This ball boy, stay at your
post, stay at your station.
Now, I ask for a ball, it comes
above the head, proper form,
should be one bounce.
Average toss,
but we can work on that.
You could've just caught it.
Anyway, keep working on
your training.
Gear-i, what did
that clock in at?
Fifty two miles an hour.
Fifty two, not bad.
Babe, did you hear that?
That's halfway to 104,
and when I get to 104,
the competish
is gonna be schmoked!
Yeah, great, so I talked with
Eva, she's gonna go home now.
Oh, good. Let me hose off
and I'll give you a ride.
No, she's fine.
Yeah, it's okay,
I can go home by myself.
No-- a woman
in your condition
should not be running around
the big city all alone.
Thanks again, Leslie.No problem, sweetie,
and call or text any time.Thank you, I will.
Bye!For sure, for sure.
Any time, just call, text
we're here for you.Okay.
Man, sometimes I wish
she weren't so brave.
Sometimes I wish you'd worry
more about your own family
and less about your
fake TV show family.
Come on, she is pregnant
and alone.
She's got no one to
help her out with this baby.
She's actually fine.
Have you thought about our kids?
They miss you so much.
Listen, I'm sorry--
I-I'm getting caught up
with all the stuff with Eva and
the baby, I understand that,
but it's been what,
two days?
It's been two weeks, Jon.
Oh, boy-oy-oing!
Really?Yeah, really,
and the kids--Two weeks?
Two weeks, yes,
I'm not kidding.
Hey, babe.Hey.
You ready to go?Yeah, I think so.
Sorry, who are you?Oh, this is you.
Hi, pleasure to meet you.
Are you the tennis pro?
Uh, no, actually,
he's the new you.
What?Well, you've been spending
so much time
with your fake me
that I decided
to get a fake you.
How'd the lesson go?
Thinking about the tournament?
[dramatic rumbling,
voices muffle and distort]
I feel good about it.
Let's go home.
Nice to meet you.Bye, hon.
What the [bleep]?
I don't know, Spurt.
I don't like the idea
of another man
being in my real house
with my real kids,
especially with the tip
of his real penis
sticking out of his shorts.
Well, I'm sure Leslie
vetted him very carefully.
All right, whatever,
that's the way it's gonna be
for a while, so be it.
I mean, what's
the big deal, right?
His name's Hugh. Huh!
You see those shorts,
Oh, God, bone-ho!What?
I recognized Hugh
but I couldn't place him,
so I ran a search using my
facial recognition technology.
He's Hugh G. Beefson,
a popular porn star known
for his enormous member
and catch phrase,
"Here's the beef, son."
Which ones would
you like to watch?
"A Meat and Two Sides"?
"The Beef of Wall Street"?
"The Wolf of Wall Beef"?
"Slumdog Beef-inaire"?
"Beef to the Future"
and "Beef to the Future 3"?
Or "Three Beef-boards
Outside Ebbing, Missouri"?
Just play a clip,
please, Gear-i?
I'll play something
from "Zip, Plop, Thud".
[porn music and moaning
from laptop]
Here's the beef, son.
It's a dated catchphrase,
but I think he makes it work.
[clock ticking]
You're doing fine,
just assume the position
and be the ball boy.
When the ball hits the net
you can just get it.
Okay, all right.Oh, hey, Jon!
How you doin'?
I'm lovin' the shirt color,
we're like twins, right?
Oh ha! Sorry.
Oops!I need longer shorts.
What's he doing here--
Hugh G. Beefson?
Oh, Hugh G. Beefson and I
are playing tennis.
No, I can see that, but I'm here
now, so you can stop.
Stop what? I'm just playing
tennis with my husband.
Jon, you're doing so great.
I love your stretching.
Thanks, babe.
Hugh G. Beefson has agreed
to be my partner
in the tennis tournament.
You know what, you don't
need to say his full name
every time you say his name.
I know who-- you can
just say Hugh, all right?
Spurt, can you please put
the phone down,
you're the ball boy,
be at the ready, please!
Also, the tournament, we're
doing that together, right?
Come on,
we talked about that.
That's gonna be, like,
our thing we're doing.
It was our thing,
but then you started spending
all of your time
with Eva, so
Then I'll stop
spending time with Eva.
[scoffs]Okay? She's like a super-hot,
single pregnant lady
living in the city.
She'll find some other dude
that's gonna be so into that,
it's-- please, come on.
Too late, I'm playing
with Hugh G. Beefson.
Okay, sweetie, let's go, hon.
[clock ticking]
All right, Eva,
don't worry about the fact
that you're not good at tennis,
we're gonna be fine, okay?
We got our dress whites on,
we're gonna be extra pumped
for that.
I busted out
my sweet ankle braces
so I can go hard
all over the court.
I got this really super
kick-ass, sweet new racket.
We're gonna be fine.
Just play as if your baby's
life depends on it, okay?
Have that be your focus
and you'll be great.
Oh, man,
look at this guy
stretching out my wife
like it's his wife.
Yeah, two can
play at this game.
Oh, man, I wish
I had a bigger dick.

The couples tournament began
with matches being
the best two out of three.
Leslie and Hugh
played very well.
They won their match,
6-4, 4-6, 6-3.
Jon and Eva
won their match, 6-2, 6-2.
Mostly because the other
couple wasn't very good,
and also, Jon acted
like a real jerk.
The Jackhammer!
With victories in hand,
it was on to the next round.
Okay, so, congratulations,
players, for making it this far.
The winner of this match
will go on to the finals.
You know, uh,
it's kind of weird,
it's like we're
playing ourselves,
'cause he's me?Yeah, yeah, maybe
I'll find it funny after I win.
Well, if you're feeling
so confident,
why don't we, uh, raise
the stakes a little bit?
Hmm, okay, well,
what do you have in mind?
If we win,
you unblur your face,
the cameras are allowed
to shoot in our house.
What do I get if I win?
Everything stays the same.No bet then.
So, are we,
are we ready to start?
[surfer accent]
Hey, everybody!
What's going on?
Who the [bleep] are you?[surf music playing]
Who the [bleep] are you?
It was the surfer guy
who dubbed my voice
from season one.
What the [bleep]
are you doing here?
Oh, I got a call saying
that I won a role
in the new
Hugh G. Beefson movie,
and to be here at this place
at this exact time.
I guess it's a tennis porno?
Oh! What's up, my dude?
Yeah, uh, I didn't
call this guy.
I called him.
I hacked into TruTV's mainframe and found Eva's email.
I accessed her server
and discovered a message
from her doctor saying that the surfer is Eva's baby daddy.
Oh, that's awesome!
I'm sorry for violating
your privacy, Eva,
but Jon was clearly annoying
the living shit out of you,
so I thought, if I contacted
the real father,
you could finally
tell Jon to [bleep] off.
You're welcome.
I'm going to be calling my agent
immediately about this.
Wait-- what?Yes, and I'm for sure
telling the network, Eva,
I am so sorry about this,
I promise
I thought I was helping.
erase Gear-i's memory
and clear his history!
Will that include
all the Hugh G. Beefson clips
you've been watching lately?
Listen, that's just
for research, okay?
That's-- yeah, era--
Yeah, yeah, researching.
Wait-- hold on a second, wait.
You guys didn't hook up,
you were with that other guy,
Charlie, right?
Yeah, yeah,
and when she realized
she was with the wrong dude,
she hooked up with yours truly.
I guess, uh, my seed had
the longest and strongest ride
along the waves of her uteral
wall, am I right?
Or, you know, wherever, wherever
it goes to get a babe pregnant.
Love 'em and leave 'em, huh?
Always another wave to catch,
isn't there, you son of a bitch.
I didn't know, dude.I didn't want him to know.
Wait-- why not?I don't want to raise a baby
with a man that I don't love.That's a bummer, bro.
Wait-- hold--
hold on a second. Eva
Are you saying what I think
you're saying?
Are you in love with me?
No, of course not!
What-- forget it!
This is insane!
[racket clatters]
Wait, Eva, hold up.
Let me help you.
Does this mean that
there's no tennis porno?
I'm not saying that
I'm in love with her,
I'm just wondering
if she's in love with me.
Bye, Jon.
I don't want that.
Stan, I was right!
That was Hugh G. Beefson!
[background conversations]
Hey, Jon.Oh!
Thanks for comin', man.What's up?
Good to see you, how are ya?How's it goin', Hugh?
Hey, I'm so glad that there's
no hard feelings between us
with that whole
Yeah, no, not at all.
This is awesome,
thank you for inviting me.
Yeah, umIt's not every day you get
to see the porn version
of your TV show being filmed.
Right?It's really cool.
What's, uh, what's it called?
What's the title?
"Jon Glaser Loves Rear".
That's pretty good.
Right?That's a good one.
Actually, your sound guy
came up with it.
I worked with him
a couple of times.
Really?What's up, Dave?
What's up, Hugh?
Good job, Dave,
that's pretty funny, nice.
Man, I love the set,
it looks great.
Oh, look at the mannequin,
that's funny.
You got one of our
megaphone guys.
Oh, look at that, you got the
cutout from the wall--
that's hilarious.
We're ready for you.
Time to go be you.All right, man, have fun.
"Jon Glaser Loves Rear,"
take one. Mark.
Okay, everybody,
let's settle.
And action.
Hey, Eva, check out
this cool watch I just got.
Forget the watch, Jon!
If I'm gonna play
your wife on TV,
we might as well make it
as real as possible.
I knew this day was coming.
Maybe we could
make it a threesome.
Shut up, Gear-i.
[Hugh and Eva moaning]
Now, there's the beef, son.
Shut up, Gear-i!
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