Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e03 Episode Script


Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear"

[vuvuzelas blaring]
It's good!

In the Jewish religion,
the bar mitzvah
is a time-honored ritual,
where at age 13 a boy
becomes a man.
Hut-hut, hike.
My son's bar mitzvah
comes early,
because at 11 years old,
he's finally old enough
to play tackle football.
And in the religion
known as "America,"
you become a man.
[loud clap]
And there's no better way
to prepare for manhood
than by gettin' some gear.
Devin, thanks for
helping us out today.
My pleasure.
This is my son.
This is my Spurt.How you doing, man?
We're outfitting my son today
for tackle football.
Mm-hmm.This is, like, his big
transition to manhood.
[deep voice]
You ready to become
a man today?
Yeah.Let's do it!
Manhood gear list--
Yeah, protect the noggin'.
Oh, sweet.
Shoulder pads.
If you're
a wide receiver
you're gonna have a little bit
of a slimmer padding
so you don't lose any of
that mobility and speed.
Unh! Yeah! Football!
Athletic cup.
Bio-Flex cup.
Is that for, like,
robot dicks?
'Cause that's the future
of football, right,
is robots playing football.
You know what, it should be
robots with human dicks.
They have pain sensors
for the dick, right?
Catching gloves.
Oh, those are awesome.
You gotta get a pair for dad.[whistle blows]
Quesadilla, quesadilla,
check it!
Check it, nacho, nacho,
guac, guac!
Yeah, nice!
Terrible defense.
[loud clap]
We got the regular Gel Max,
standard mouthguard.
And then we also have the Shock
Doctor Gel Max Flavor Fusion,
so these ones
actually come flavored.
Ugh! I mean, unless you're gonna
tell me they got one
that tastes like
a burrito, that'd be cool.
You want to get
some cleats, right?
I have my soccer cleats.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Are you not my son?
You can't just do, like,
whatever cleats
for whatever sport.
Soccer cleats are different
from football, like,
they got a different
cleat pattern.
I mean, a lot of these
cleats are nice-- I feel
[hard rock music]
Oh, yeah.
These are sweet.
Mazel tov!
List complete.
All right.
Ready to get out there?Mm-hmm.
Now, just remember, you're
a natural Jewish athlete,
just like your father,
all right?
Just have fun.
Go get a touchdown.Okay, I will.
What's that saying
from "Friday Night Lights"?
Clear eyes, full farts.
Good one, dad.
Thanks, I know.
Do your best,
have fun.
Give someone a good stink!
Stink someone!
I couldn't believe it.
My little boy was all grown up,
fully outfitted for football
and one step closer
to becoming a man.
Whoo! Yeah!
Game day!
Oh, yeah!
Here we go!
Now, I gotta tell ya,
I got a real sweet
tailgating setup here, uh,
I think I nailed it.
What do you think, Spurt?
Yeah, you nailed it.What do you think, Gear-i?
It's the perfect way
to celebrate your son's
impending manhood.
All right, let me give you
the grand tour of the 'Gate.
Got this super sweet RV.
[vuvuzelas blaring]
Call this my no-hassle castle.
Got a nice little relaxation
station right here.
[vuvuzelas blaring]
Of course,
you gotta have your grill.
[blaring continues throughout]
Now, check this thing out--
this is called the Grub Tub.
Put all your food in it, and it
connects to your drink,
so you can be like
[pretending to eat]
Can you hold that for me?
Sweet party hands, Spurt!
Got a really kick-ass
mini- keg.
Over here we got this really
kick-ass cooler stack.
Check out the top cooler.
That thing has speakers,
so we can crank out the tunes
while we down our brews!
And then we got an industrial
size heater over there.
That's what the pros use,
and we got it here
at the 'Gate.
[vuvuzelas blaring]
The 'Gate!
Now, one more very special
addition to the tailgate
right back here
in my no-hassle castle.
[vuvuzelas blaring]
Go Mustangs! Whoo!
Go Mustangs!
We got New York Jets
superfan, Fireman Ed,
joining us today to
cheer on the 'Stangs!
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Man, I love your tailgate.
gear, gear, gear!
[vuvuzelas blaring]
Hey, Ed, can I interest you
in a Bloody Mary?
I've already had three
because the 'Gate can't wait!
The 'Gate can't wait!
The 'Gate can't wait!
Whoo!Oh, here's the coach!
What's up, coach?!
Somebody's ready
for the game, huh?
Here we go Mustangs,
here we go!
Wow [laughing]
Pleasure to meet you.Pleasure to meet you.
What's up, coach?Hey, how you doing?
Nice to meet you.
All right, how you doing?
Great, 'cause, uh, today my son
becomes a man-- oh!
I'm sorry,
who is your son?
Oh, I'm sorry, that's right,
we haven't met yet.
I'm, uh, Glaser's Dad.[vuvuzelas blaring]
Glaser?Yeah, but you can call me
Sweet Cleats, because,
uh, check these out,
I made some custom cleats
for the 'Gate.
Got my freshman year
baseball hat right on the side,
got some guac and chips
right there,
and then the other side,
you know, a little
splash of orange,
which is kind of
my show's colors,
and then we got
a megaphone for gear!
And then check this out,
see this?
What do you think that is?
I don't know,
a Bible verse?
My New York City Marathon time--
Jon 4:48, four hours,
48 minutes-- not bad for
a first timer, right?
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
Check this out too, I got
a Sweet Cleats theme song.
Gear-i. Yes, Jon?
Fire up the Sweet Cleats song?

Sweet cleats♪
He's on his feet,
he can't be beat♪
Walkin' down the street♪Jon.
Call me Sweet Cleats, coach.Jon!
Jon!Hold on, coach,
Gear-i, turn it down,
turn it down.
Sorry, coach,
what were you saying,
something about Sweet Cleats
eatin' all the meats?
Your son's not even
on the team.
Sure he is, what are you
talking about?
Your son's not
on the team.
He never showed up
to any practices,
we never heard
from the parents.
We assumed he just quit.
This sheds a lot of
light on it, though.
[music continues]
Hey, Jon, I gotta go.
But good luck with the game,
and good luck
with "Jon Glaser Loves"
G-E-A-R, gear, gear!
Thanks, Fireman Ed.
[music continues]
Turn that off, Gear-i.
[Gear-i beeps, music stops]
It doesn't make any sense.
We bought all the gear,
he was so excited.
You were there, you saw
how happy he was, right?
He was so pumped.
I took him to
the first practice,
I dropped him off, I watched
him walk to the field.
How can he not be
on the team?
Because he's not, Jon.
He just pretended to go
to that first practice.
He doesn't want
to play football.
He's been taking
magic lessons.
Whoever heard of
a Jewish magician?
Your sidekick suggested it.
We did magic at camp one day,
and he loved it,
and then he told me how much
he hates football, so
I encouraged him
to take some magic lessons
and he's really found something
to be passionate about, I mean,
you should be happy that
your son is finally engaging
in something that's stimulating
and that he loves doing.
Oh, boy.
You knew this?
[sighs deeply]
You know, first Steve
[bleep] Eva, and now this.
Betrayed again by my Spurt!
Why would you guys even let me,
like, do the tailgate?
Why not just tell me
he's doing magic?
Because you were having
so much fun, we just thought
we'd just let you continue
until you found out.
Whatever, fine.
It was fun, I had a good time,
the tailgate was awesome,
you know, I enjoyed the gear,
we had a lot of sweet shit.
It would've been more fun
if there was an actual game
and I could've been like,
the hero of the 'Gate!
Well, whatever.
Finally take these shoes off,
my feet are killing me.
What are those?
Well, I could tell you,
or actually, I could show you.
Gear-i, play
the Sweet Cleats song.
Sweet cleats,
he's on his feet ♪
He can't be beat
walking down the street ♪
You feel the heat
cause a rise in me ♪
Inside of you
sweet cleats ♪
I headed to Tannen's Magic Shop
in Manhattan to confront my son
about what was going on.
If he was going to do magic
behind my back,
then I was going to go in front
of hisback and find out why.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Daddy appears.
Dad, I'm sorry I lied to you
about playing football.
It's just I didn't want it
to be like hockey last year.
Why not?
That was a very good episode,
super funny, really cool,
lot of sweet gear,
and I got to meet Ron Duguay.
Dad, my life isn't
an episode of TV.
I love magic.
And I think you'll
like it too,
there's a ton of
sweet gear involved.
Yeah, I can see that,
maybe, sure.
You must be the magician.I am.
Nice to meet you,
I'm the liar's father.
Nice to meet you.Oh!
That was cool. Neat.
How'd you do that?It's magic.
Awesome.Besides, why would you want me
to play tackle
football anyways?
I mean, you read all
the articles about CTE.
That stands for Chronic
Traumatic Encephalopathy.
I know what it stands for,
Spurt, thanks very much.
And you know how dangerous
tackle football is
and that your own son
Yeah, Spurt,
I know how dangerous
tackle football is
for my son.
You know what else
is dangerous for my son?
Think about it-- what about guys
like Siegfried and Roy?
They got mauled by tigers,
is that what you want?
Siegfried and Roy
weren't magicians.
They're illusionists.
Whatever, they got
mauled by tigers.
You know what, forget
those guys, how about Houdini?
He was maybe, what, the greatest
magician of them all?
You know what happened to him
while he was doing magic?
He died!
Oh, you know what,
speaking of Houdini,
see this coat I'm wearing?
This is one of my
all-time favorite coats,
the Patagonia Houdini.
Want to know why they
called it the Houdini?
I'll show ya.
Because just like Houdini,
the Patagonia Houdini
can make itself go into
a very tight space.
You'd think, oh, there's no way
it can find in that pocket,
but it keeps on contorting.
You're like, how does
the Houdini do that?
And just like Houdini
it virtually disappears,
just like
my son's honesty.
Let's go home, please.
Sorry.It's all right.
So, magic's as dangerous
as football, right, doc?
From a medical standpoint
it's beyond dispute,
for traumatic head injuries,
football has significantly
more risks than magic.
And you say all of this
based on what?
Research.Oh, research.
Oh, okay, I see,
and have you ever studied
the brain of a magician?
Uh, no.Oh, so it's half a study,
it's not even research,
it's quack science.
Well, research shows--[quacking]
Dad, just listen to him.
What? I'm doing a good Donald
Duck for the quack doctor.
Over the course of just
one football season
[Donald Duck voice]
Of just one football season
All right, Jon, that's fine,
we're gonna not compare
football injuries to magic[continues Donald Duck voice]
Jon, I want you to listen
to what I'm saying to you.
Jon, Jon
[sighs deeply]
I'm sorry. That was not
a respectful way
to talk to a doctor,
even though that's
a half of a study.
This is a very difficult subject
for me because there's
there's something I have
not told you and your mom
that I need to tell you.
Well, what is it?
Jon, what is it?
What is it,
Before I met your mom
I was married.
I was married to
a magician.
So, I know this is
kind of weird to talk about,
that I was married to
someone else before.
My ex-wife, she left me
in a way that was
I was her assistant, and we
had this really killer trick,
you know, we had this big box
and she put me in the box
and spin it round and round
and I'd disappear.
And then she'd
make me re-appear,
and it was a show-stopper,
I mean,
it knocked the socks off
the audience's balls.
Anyway, one night
we're doing the trick,
get in the box
only this time I re-appear
in a divorce lawyer's office.
Sounds cool.Yeah, it wasn't.
Anyway, here, I can show you
what happened.
Gear-i, can you please
look up the video entitled
"Magician's Assistant Looks
Like [bleep] Idiot".
Found it.
Oh, boy.
[applause on phone]
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.
Now, for my next trick,
I'm wondering if you'd like
to see my assistant disappear?
Nice moustache, daddy.
Assistant, please step
into the box?

As you can see
he's gone!
[deep voice]
Now it's on the internet,
for the whole world to see.
Anyway, um
that's why I got
really upset
when I heard
you were doing magic.
That's what I meant about
you getting hurt.
I meant getting hurt
And I just-- I don't want
that to happen to you.
Thanks, dad.
And I know you're always
looking out for me,
and I'm sure what you went
through was tough for you,
but you just always have to
remember that magic
can heal.
How'd you do that?
I-I want to use magic
to make people feel better.
Was that behind me ear
the whole time?
Like, has this been
here my, my entire life?
No, dad.How is it possible?
I shower and I, like,
clean behind my ears.
How would I not notice, like,
a huge ball behind my ear?
Okay, Jon.
Is this a tumor?
No.Am I dying?
No!I'm dying.
Hey, heyOh, I'm dying!
That's enough.
That's enough.

It had become clear to me
that my son had become a man,
a man-gician.
So, I turned to him
and his instructor
to help me devise a trick
to get back at my ex-wife.
First step, immerse myself
in the world of magic.

I'm gonna place it right inside
the box, watch it close.
Now you see it,
and now you don't.
It really is gone.
Look inside your pocket.
Little small ones there,
see that one, right here,
the one that comes down?
This one, right here, look.
Here it is.
Here you go, Gear-i. You're the devil!

Let me try.
After several weeks
of intensive training,
we had come up
with a trick.
All that was left to do
was see if it worked.
That's what I'm talking
about, right?
That's hot.Incredible, man.
It's her.
My lovely friend
in the second row,
was the number you were
thinking of
Oh, man, I hope this works.
Yeah, dad, just believe
in the power of magic.
How do you guys do that?
That, that's crazy!
Dad! Focus!Right, okay, okay, you're right.
Thank you.Yeah.
Now, boys and girls,
would you like to see
my assistant disappear?
Assistant, please step
in the box.

And just like that
she's gone.Ta-da!
What the hell?
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you very much!
Boys and girls,
you're probably wondering,
who is this person that just
appeared from the box?
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
let me introduce to you Jon,
my former assistant!
Yes, and her former husband.
That's true,
we were married once.
Yes, until she divorced me.
Perhaps some of your
parents are divorced.
Well, that's what we are.
Okay, stop the music.
Jon, what is going on?
What, what are you doing here?
What's with the cameras?
Oh, I, uh,
have my own show now.
It's on TruTV, and uh, it's
called "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".
How'd you get here?By magic, of course.
I thought you hated magic.
Well, I thought you loved me.
And if you had a problem
with our marriage,
then you should've just told me,
rather than put me in a box
and make me disappear
and re-appear
in a divorce lawyer's office.
Jon, come on,
I was so young.
We were just becoming
I let the success
get to my head.
Plus, I wanted to be
with other guys.
Oh, I knew it, I knew it.
Who was it?
Did ya bone Blaine?
You're so hung up
on that guy.
Did you make his [bleep]
disappear in your vagina?
You better stop.
You're so obsessed with him.Was that who you did?
Chris Angel?
Did you go after an Angel?
It was Jon Cryer!
Duckie from "Pretty in Pink"?
Yep.That's our movie!
He's not even a magician.
[Donald Duck voice]
Oh, boy.
[kids laughing]It's not funny!
Stop laughing!I'm sorry.
Boys and girls,
I think we're learning
a very valuable
lesson here today--
that magic should be
used to amaze people
not hurt their feelings.
Yeah, and magic should also
not be used to get revenge
on your ex-wife even though she
did something shitty to you.
what do you say Jon and I
do one more trick
for old time's sake?
Would you like that?
Yes? Yes?
You got one more
trick in you?
For the kids?
Okay, fine. OkayOne more trick!
He's going back into the box--
is that okay?
I don't know.

And just like that
he's gone!
Oh, son of a bitch, [bleep]!
And now, we will be showing you
a new twist on an old classic.
Normally you see a magician
putting their assistant in the
box and making them disappear.
I will be putting myself
in the box
and making myself
But first, please help me
in giving
a warm welcome to my lovely
assistant, Sweet Cleats!
Sweet cleats,
he's on his feet ♪
He can't be beat
going down the street ♪
Sweet cleats [mouthing words]
[dramatic music]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next time you see me,
I will have magically
transported myself
through the walls,
into the hallway,
and right outside
the front door.
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you
the amazing
We actually want more Steve.
The network wants to fire you.What?
If you don't hear from me in
a week, you come in and get me.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Holy [bleep]!
[hard rock music]
[vuvuzelas blaring]
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