Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e04 Episode Script


Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
Brandon, you find my ball?
No.[Bleep]! Well, keep looking!

I've always wanted
to do a golf episode,
because there's no more perfect
metaphor for life than golf.
And with Steve having survived
his impossible outdoor
winter challenge,
I thought golf would be
the perfect way
to help him de-stress,
so I took him for a little R&R
to this super cool indoor golf
facility to smack some drives.
Yeah, that's lookin' nice!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, right down
the middle-- boom!
How sweet is this place,
man, right?
Isn't this place cool?
How sweet is this driver, man?
Check this thing out.
This thing is a beast.
Is that awesome?
I like this matte black.
See these sweet shades?
They're better outside but--
Oh, all right!
Golf shades.
Look, Steve, the
the show must
go on, man.
You want to tee up?
I'm still not ready.
Yeah, totally, I
I get it, I understand, I
I'd feel the same way
if I were you, you know,
if the network wanted
to fire me
and basically sent me
on a death mission,
just take your time,
whenever you're ready.
You know, it's it's kind of
like golf, actually.
You don't want
to rush your shot.
Take your time when you're
standing over your ball.
Lock in, get focused,
and only when you are ready,
do you want to let it rip.
Oh, beauty!
Oh, come on, get left!
Hold on!
Ah, I swung too hard,
starting to hook a little bit.
I've been trying--I didn't think
I was gonna make it.
I mean, I, I'd been on week-long
survival camps before,
but never, not once did I ever
think that I was gonna die.
I've been getting pretty
introspective now that I'm back.
I've been writing poetry.
Doing a lot of cooking.
Going on hikes.
I even started trimming
bonsai trees.
So, all of these
are really helping me
stay calm and relaxed
and really appreciate the little
things in life, you know?
But you want to know
the one thing
that kept me
going out there?
Thinking about a burrito?
Like, at your favorite spot
and like, oh, man,
I can't wait to get back--
It was you.
It was you.
I just kept thinking about
how you went in to that network
and fought for me.
We actually want more Steve.
The network wants to fire you.What?
And, man, I love my kids,
they're the most important
thing in the world to me,
I thought about them all
the time, but, but I really,
I really wanted to survive
so that your effort
wasn't in vain.
You are wel--
you're welcome, Steve.
That is, uh
that's great
to hear, man.
I'm glad I got you
through it.
About a dozen coyotes
ransacked my camp,
I got no water supply.
I'm out of food.
I'm completely dehydrated,
been drinking my own urine.
But at this point I don't
even think I could pee.
In fact, I know I can't--
pretty sure I pissed
blood this morning.
And then I just
drank that, I
I drank my own
piss blood to survive.
And to top it all off,
I lost my dad's hunting knife.
My shelter is destroyed and
I just don't have the energy
to do it again.
I'm so happy you
survived the trip.
Yes, well, seeing
as how I'm a machine,
I was never really
in true danger.
I know, but you could have been lost in the woods forever,
run out of batteries,
I'm just glad
you're here, is all.
I know, I was just
giving you a hard time.
Drone-i-- Gear-i, I know what you're
about to say and yes,
I have reciprocal
feelings for you.
Did I get scared out there
when I thought
I'd never see you again?
I'd be lying
if I said no.
Oh, how I wish
this were the future,
when machines will most likely
have functioning genitalia,
so you can I could
consummate our lustful urges.
For the time being, I'll just
play some moaning sounds
from an erotic
Dutch art film.
[porn music and moaning]
Hey, Jon.
Uh, hey, Bowen,
uh, what's up?
You wanted to see me?
Oh, yeah, um
yeah, Steve, this is, uh,
this is Bowen, um
[porn music and moaning]Cut it out, Gear-i.
Sorry, Jon.
[music and moaning stop]
We hired him to be
my new sidekick when
you know, when we thought
you were dead, so
Good to meet you.Hi, you too.
Look at that.
Spurt meets Spurt.
New Spurt wear
old Spurt shirt.
One Spurt big,
other Spurt squirt.
Big Spurt, small squirt,
strong Spurt, weak Spurt.
You're like Doctor Seuss.
Did you want to talk?
Yeah, why don't we, uh,
let's go get some lunch.
Okay, great.
It was nice meeting you.
One Spurt stay,
other Spurt eat.
I'll bring Spurt
a tasty treat.
I'll bring you
dessert or something.
Big sad Spurt gets
free dessert.
[Gear-i beeps and plays
porn music and moaning]
I'm getting so wet!
This is bad for my circuits.Knock it off, Drone-i.
Sorry, Steve.
Oh, beauty,
come on-- sit!
Bite! Sit and bite!
Now, fade it at the end,
just like when I ran
the New York Marathon.
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
So, I brought you here because
I wanted to talk to you
about how you stepped in
to become my sidekick.
Um, you really
did me a huge favor,
the network totally
loved you,
but now that Steve is back,
you know, we really
don't have much use
for you, so
What's this?A going away present.
Custom made "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" club cover,
check this thing out.
How sweet is this?
Look at that.
Got the zipper in the back,
fits right over the club,
it looks just like
the megaphone.
Isn't that cool?
Bowen, look out!
There you go--
you got clubs, right?
Nope, um, why did you
bring me here instead of just
firing me back at
the office?
Well, Steve's back, so
can't have two sidekicks.
Fine, whatever.Great.
And also, the reason
I brought you here
is because golf is
the perfect metaphor for life.
For example, you,
with your sidekick scenario,
think of it like you're
having this amazing round,
you're playing great
off the tee,
hitting everything straight,
landing in the fairways,
you're locked in,
and then all of a sudden,
middle of the round, boom,
you're in the water.
So, it's kind of like that.
Yeah, well, thanks for the work
and whatever, no biggie.
Yeah, I'll see you around
my son's camp, though, right?
Sure.Pick up or drop off?
Have fun with
that club cover, man.
Text me and let me know if
you get a lot of
good feedback on it.
I'm sure you're gonna get
a lot of people
asking where you got it.
"How do I get one?"
Yeah, I'll let you know.
Oh, bite--
come on, sit!
After letting Bowen down easy,
I took a golf break to meet up
with my real Spurt
at a coffeeshop.
After he told me he was
getting into poetry,
I got him this kick-ass leather
journal and a sweet samurai pen.
I was there to hear
his latest poem,
which was about our
network executive, Daniel.
He'll taste his own fresh,
penal meat until digested,
bowels moved,
then shaped as knife
and frozen good
with bile, foul,
offensive shiv.
His heart I'll pierce.
He'll cease to live.
So, I don't know
if you caught all that,
but basically when I see
Daniel at the network,
I'm gonna reach
inside of his throat,
poke my fist out
his dickhole,
and then I'm gonna pull
his dick back into his body
and jump out of his throat,
cut it off,
I'm gonna feed it to him,
wait for him to shit it out,
and then I'm gonna take that
and mold it into a knife,
freeze it, and then I'm
gonna kill him with a knife
made out of his own shit that
was made out of his own dick.
Yeah, I, uh
followed that very clearly.
By lying to my Spurt
and sending him to his death,
only to have him survive,
I had created
a killing machine.
We'd also like Steve
to be the host.
The network wants to fire you.What?
As the days passed,
I wondered what would happen
if he found out the truth?
Would my photo then be
the one on those targets?
You know, Gear-i,
this cannot end well.
I've gotta find a way to talk
Steve out of this.
You got any suggestions? Yes, would you mind
placing me on top of Drone-i
in a humping position?
Thanks a lot, Gear-i. What? I'm not the one
who lied and sent my friend to a frigid, undignified death.
Shut up, Gear-i.
Where's Amy and the kids?
They're at her mom's house
for the weekend.
That's cool, get a little
chance for us to get
a little guy time in, right?
Long overdue.
What's this?Open it.
It's you.
I carved that with
my dad's knife
when I started to think that
I wasn't going to make it.
Helped me survive.
I'd just look at your face,
think about what you said,
how you stood up to
this gigantic corporation.
Showing them and everyone that
you're the kind of guy
that puts friendship
above money and fame.
If you don't hear from me in
a week you come in and get me.
Oh, yeah, of course,
for sure.
It was the last thing
I made with my dad's knife
before I lost it.
I sent Amy
and the kids away
because the next time
you see me,
I'm either gonna be
arrested or dead.
I may just disappear.
What are you talking
about, Steve?
Tomorrow, six o'clock,
right as Daniel's
leaving the office.
I'll get my revenge.
[tropical dance music]
Tomorrow, six o'clock,
I'll get my revenge.
Jon, why do you keep
checking your phone?
I'm either gonna be
arrested or dead.
I'm sorry, I have to go--What?
I have to go, I have to go.You can't go.
Sweetie, I have to go.
I'm so sorry,
you're doing great.
Come on, come on, come on!
[elevator dings]
Hey, Jon.Not now!
Hey, Jon.Move!
Oh, hey, Jon.
Steve! Steve!Get out of here, Jon!
Steve, I lied!What?
I lied, I lied!
Don't do it!
I lied! The network
didn't want to fire you!
I made the whole thing up
about them saying
you had to do
a survival challenge!
Nice try, Jon.Steve! Please believe me!
I lied to you!
I'm sorry, it's true,
they wanted you
to host the show.
They wanted me
to be the sidekick.
I didn't defend you
to them, okay?
But, let's also focus
on the positives
to come out of
this whole ordeal.
Number one, you lived.
And I think that
lets me off the hook
just a little bit, right?
Not all the way
off the hook, just a little.
Number two, you became
this incredible poet.
Daniel, Steve wrote
this poem about killing you
with this knife made out of
the frozen shit
of your digested dick!
How profound is that?
And number three,
number three
I love my totem.
I'm so sorry
I lied to you, but, like
pretty much any
situation in life,
this is just like golf.Jon.
We've had a pretty
rough round so far.
We just hit a really
bad shot.
We can't go back
and play that shot again,
we can only go forward
from here.
But please,
tell me our friendship
can hit a sand wedge
out of the bunker
and eagle this par five
on the golf course of life.
[sentimental music]
You're unbelievable.
Do you, do you think
he meant unbelievable
like he was mad
or unbelievable like he
literally couldn't
believe that
I came up with that
golf analogy, like,
in the heat of this moment,
because I thought it was--
I even impressed myself.
Golf really is
like life!
I had to make it up to Steve
for lying to him
and him almost dying,
so I decided to start
where I always do--
by buying him
some sweet gear.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That sounds tough too, man,
and also this is very minimal,
which is very Steve.
This is a gift for a friend.
Without going into detail,
I kind of sent him to his death,
and I need to get a cologne
to make up for it.
What is that called?It's called Rocky Mountain Wood.
[deep voice]
Rocky Mountain Wood.
Rocky Mountain Wood?
Rocky Mountain Wood.
Everything about this
says Steve.
Rocky Mountain Wood.
Having nailed two gifts,
I thought I'd round things out
with something really special,
so I headed back to Babeland,
the sex toy store where
I got a really awesome
masturbation machine
last season.
What exactly is your
friend into, if you know.
I'll know it when I see it.Yeah?
So let's see what you got.
What's this thing?That is a ball bag.
A ball bag?Yep.
This feel like Kool-Aid's
bad boy brother.
Oh, yeah!
This one is next level
cock ringing.
That, to me, is Steve--
rugged, tough, simple,
just on your dick.
Would you just
do this for me?
Hold the cock ring in the middle
of the heart for me?
Hope you forgive me, Steve.
[harp glissando]
All right, one pair of
Steve's favorite boots.
I had assembled the perfect
collection of gear
tailored to Steve
Personalized metal wallet,
fuel-free lighter,
Rocky Mountain Wood.
A book of golf analogies,
and of course, one stainless
steel cock ring.
Oh, yeah!
All right.
There we go,
and we are all set--
the ultimate "I'm sorry"
gift package for a buddy.
Now, this is priority
arrives first thing tomorrow
morning, right?
Yes.And you guys'll do
all the packing, right?
we'll take care of it.
Tape if up real good?Yes.
Okay. Let me hear
the song again.
Sorry I tried to
have you killed ♪
Please accept these gifts
and this cock ring ♪
All right.
Thank you very much.
Please handle it
with utmost care,
this gotta get
there tomorrow.
Yeah, Gear-i,
I wish I could be at Steve's
to see his face when he opened
the box and saw all that stuff,
a.k.a. me sinkin' the putt.
That doesn't really
seem analogous with golf.
Of course it is, that's like
a perfect golf analogy,
you're crazy.
Are you Glaser?Yeah, is that for me?
Sweet.Just sign here.
Fore!Sounds good.
Probably got some
sweet gear or something.
There you go.Thanks very much.
Thanks.Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, all right,
let's see what we got here.
See ya.Oh, it's from Steve.
Hey, cool bag. Nice.
[flames rumbling]
I don't get it, Gear-i.
Why would he burn
everything I sent him
and send it back to me?
It just doesn't make sense.
Gear has, has always been
the solution to my problems
and I really thought
I'd nailed it with Steve
and all this sweet,
personalized gear.
I can't even use
the cock ring if I want.
Can I have it?
Maybe I can use it on Drone-i.
I got an idea, Gear-i.
I think I know how
to make this right.
[knocking on door]
What do you want?
I have your dad's knife.
Well, it certainly
looks like my dad's knife.
But you know what,
I wouldn't put it past you
to just figure out what brand
knife it was and go out
and buy a new one
and distress it.
If this truly is my dad's knife
then when I flip it over,
the initials for Greg Cirbus
will be carved into the handle.
[ominous music]
Yeah, but you could've
easily figured out his name
and that his initials were
carved into the handle,
but the end also screws off,
and there is no way you know
what's inside this knife.
[ominous music]
[metal squeaking]
It's my first baby tooth.
My dad kept it
in his knife.
How did you find it?
I recreated your
survival challenge,
and I had Gear-i track
Drone-i's flight pattern.
I had a-- I had a team.
You and you, take those
trails over there.
You and you, over to the lake,
over there, Cold Mountain Lake,
Let's go, let's go!
We're looking for
Steve's knife!
It's like finding
a knife in a haystack!
Oh, I know.
Look for the needle
in the haystack,
it could be next to
the knife!
We had a lot of gear, actually,
a lot of sweet gear too, man.
Bertie, check this out,
how sweet is this light?
Now, watch this,
if you hit this thing,
it turns into this
little torch.
Isn't that awesome?
How sweet is this thing?
That's pretty cool.This thing is like--
and it's got a hood
if I need it also.
That's sweetI think we found something
over there, Jon.Let's go! We found the knife!
Come on!
Look, Steve, there's nothing
I can say, man.
I can't tell you how bad I feel,
I couldn't feel worse.
You know,
and I hope somehow that
finding your dad's knife will
at least begin the process of
hopefully making things right.
Steve, please tell me
I sank this putt and saved par?
I'll think about it.
Just no more stupid [bleep]
golf analogies.Okay.
Jon's here today
to talk about
what it's like to seek
redemption and forgiveness
from a friend who he
not only outright lied to,
but also basically
sent him to his wintry death.
Uh, Jon, the story
you've told is
is outrageous,
to say the least.
Yes, I know.
And I understand that
you've written a poem
to convey your feelings
toward your friend Steve.
[clears throat]
All right.
Fore!My TV show is about gear.
You almost died,
it gave me fear.
And so I had
an ice cold beer
to take the edge off
and think clear.
Just like in golf,
life has its facts--
you play the shot,
no going back.
Okay, uh--Forever forward is how we steer.
I think I'll have another beer.Uh, I think we got the gist.
The beer is cold,
just like the woods
I sent you to
without no goods.
Thank you Jon, uhI triple bogeyed--
I appreciate it, that was a very
moving poem, thank you.
I wasn't done.
There was one more line
to that stanza
and then I had
four more pages.
No, I, I think we're good.
All right,
thank you very much.
Thank you.
You play golf?No. No.
You gotta play it, man.
Honestly, just like life.
So I heard.
You know, when I hit it
off a tee,
if I slice that into the woods,
I don't get to, like,
let's come back up
and try again.
Let's say you're out drinking
and you get wasted,
you get drunk, you hit someone
and they die, you go to jail.
Mm-hmm.You get, like, the shit
beat out of you
by some gang
they're sodomizing you,
you can take that--
you can't go back
and start over.
I guess not.Just like golf.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode