Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e05 Episode Script


Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
Gear ouch!

After adopting our daughter,
my wife and I decided
we were done having kids.
So, I delicately
explained to our children
how daddy made the ultimate
selfless biological sacrifice.
It's called, uh, a vasectomy
and that's a procedure
where a daddy
can't have a baby
with a mommy anymore.
Now, daddy's still a man,
but me and mommy,
we're done having kids.
Did you make Eva's baby?
Uh, no. I wish.Shouldn't we be helping Eva
instead of you
since she's pregnant?
Guys, let's stay
in character, please.
Wait a minute.
Are you having an affair?
What's an affair?
Everyone relax.
I'm not having an affair.
Um, Gear-i, um, Gear-i,
would you please bring up
my post-vasectomy footage?
Seriously?Yeah, uh, kids, would you go,
go play in the other room?
All right, daddy just wants
to show mommy a funny photo.
You gotta check this out.
The bruising down there
afterwards, it's crazy.
I don't have to see that.
Are you sure?
It's pretty fascinating, like,
the colors are unbelievable.
It's almost beautiful.
It's like modern art.No, thank you.
You sure?Yes, I'm sure, I think
Quick peek?No.
All right, well, you gotta
do like, a Google search,
like, do "vasectomy bruising".
You put that
picture online?
No, but that's
a good idea.
I'm gonna put it on Instagram
and I'll tag you-- good call.
After updating
my wife and kids
that I was still man enough
to lead our family,
I headed to the office
to reassure the crew
that I was still man enough
to do a basketball episode.
Oh, look at that,
that's funny.
Hey, look who's back too!
Spurt's back! Whoo! Spurt!
Hey, welcome back, Jon.
Hibiscus iced tea, my favorite.Yeah.
Wow, thank you very much.
Can I get some crushed ice
in there?
That's just how
I prefer to have it made.
AhhNever mind, I can't
believe I asked that.
No, no, it's fineNo, I got it, don't worry
It's fine.
Are you sure?
Yeah, for sure.Are you sure?
Anything else?
You know, if there's
a lemon nearby,
I'd get it myself
but, like, you know
All right, thank you so much.
Really appreciate it.
Hey, everybody, can everyone
gather round really quick?
It's okay, take five.
I just wanted to let you all
know how much I appreciate, um,
how nice you all have been
this past week.
I got some of
your cards and emails.
You know, I really wanted
to return the favor.
I booked the back room of one
of New York's best restaurants
and I'm taking everyone
to dinner tonight,
and the surprise
restaurant is
Isn't that crazy bruising?
That's nuts, right?
Isn't that harassment?What, showing a
it's a photo.
[mouthing words]
Anyway, I had
a lot of time to think
while I was laying there
on that table.
I just felt a lot of, like
[vocalizes cutting]
and a lot of, like
[vocalizes horn]
and a lot of,
like ooh.
And a lot of, like
I just remember
thinking there's no way
we could do
the basketball episode.
And, um, I didn't want to
let everyone down, you know,
I thought of this crew
and you know what,
we are gonna do
the basketball episode, okay?
So, I don't want
anyone to worry.
Whoo!Yeah, all right!
Uh, all the hard work will not
have been for nothing,
we're doing it.
Um, it is going to be
wheelchair basketball,
uh, clearly I can't play
regular basketball
due to my current,
uh, nut sitz.
So, we'll, we'll adjust,
but we're gonna do it, so,
let's gear up!
Let's gear up-- whoo! All right!
All right, back to work,
everybody, back to work.
Thank you very much.
Come on, Spurt,
back to my desk.
Giddy up, whoo.
Uh, hey, Spurt,
how you doing, man? All good?
Yeah, good.
Glad to be back?Yeah.
No, uh no lingering
hard feelings?
No.Yeah? No?
Nah.All's good between you and, uh,
vasecto-me?All's good, Jon.
I really missed your
great sense of humor.
I'll bet.
Oh, yeah!There you are, uh, no lemon.
Oh, no problem, you know,
like I said, I would've,
I would've got it
myself but
Mmm! Oh, yeah,
that hits the spot.
You know, about as good as
it can without a lemon in there.
It's pretty good.
All right, Spurt,
back to work, Spurt.
I headed to Paragon Sports
for a wheelchair basketball
shopping spree,
'cause all that vasectomy talk
about me shooting blanks
was only making me
rock hard to gear up!
Thanks for helping me out today.No problem.
I'm looking to
gear up for basketball,
but I'm actually doing
wheelchair basketball.
It's not permanent.
I got a vasectomy.
I just wanted
to show you a photo.
Ooh.That's my, uh, dick and balls.
Ooh, please, no.All right.
So, I'm just looking to
get outfitted up for the league.
Is there anything
you would recommend?
Maybe protective pads
for your elbows
just in case you guys start
boxing each other out or
That's a good idea.get a little aggressive.
So, this is the one
that's got the
Hole inside, yeah.And that's just to allow
Just a little easing
the tension, yeah.
If I did that for my, for my
balls, I'd just get, like,
a brace but then we keep
the hole where my balls are.
Yeah, I don't know
if they're going to
let you on the court
like that.
Maybe like
a compression gloryhole.
What does this have to do
with wheelchair basketball?
That was a tangent.
Let's get back to the gear.
I was geared up
and ready to ball.
Next up, scrimmaging with
the New York Rolling Knicks,
featuring US National
and gold medalist Steve Serio
and three-time gold medalist,
Patrick Anderson,
considered by many to be
[deep voice]
Let's do this, guys! Let's bawl!
[T-shirt gun shoots]Oh.
Sorry, I thought
there was a crowd.
Uh, this is a school, right?
Some kid'll come here
tomorrow and be like,
"Oh, yeah, sweet!
Free T-shirt!"
Probably show
his girlfriend and get laid.
Hey, here you go, Spurt,
put that away for me?
What's up, guys?
Hey, can we, uh, can you guys
come in for a sec?
Um, you know, first of all,
I just wanted to thank you guys
for letting me
join your league.
You know, ever since
I got my vasectomy
it's been a real tough road
for me, you know,
once I got my nads
snipped I felt like, you know,
we share a common bond.
I feel like
I'm looking at brothers.
In honor of this occasion
I took a special picture
I wanted to share
with you guys.
Take a look at that.
[buzzer, Jon laughing]
Pretty crazy bruising,
Isn't that wild?
I got the anesthetic, which is
probably the most painful part--
just a shot right in
the balls, I was like, oh!
And then just
[vocalizes cutting]
Oh [scatting]
Um, anyway, I also feel
like I see guys
that we have a common bond,
a love of gear.
I see a lot of
sweet gear going on.
I got my armband, of course
my classic goggles, headband.
Got my ankle braces.
Got my sweet jersey,
I'm from Motown, Detroit.
And also, of course, I got
a sweet chair like you guys.
Kind of decided to call
this thing The Bruiser.
[deep voice]
The Bruiser!
It's in honor of these bad boys.
You already showed us that.
I guess let's just get into it,
[bleep] ball, right!
Mean Green!
The time for talk was over.
It was time to hit
the hardwood.
I set up for the jump ball
with a GoPro on my chair
for some cool shots!
[hard rock music]
Jon, right here, Jon,
right here.
Jon, right here.
Jon, you got balls, Jon.Okay, [bleep], no shot!
One is luck, two is skill.
Hey, Chris.Chris!
Oh, yeah!
Let him shoot, guys,
let him shoot.
See ball, see ball,
heads up!
Get on it, Jon, get on your man!
What? I'm on my man.
Why don't you [bleep]
come out here and play this?
This is hard.
It's all right.
[Bleep] GoPro!
[Bleep] GoPro
got in the way of my dribble!
Oh, got it, come on,
that's a foul!
It's a foul!
Let him shoot, let him shoot,
let him shoot!
Let him shoot!
Don't you guys go
easy on me!
I might've got snipped
but I'm still a man!
Send it!
Take care, guys.See ya next week!
I got an ice pack
on my sack,
a pack on my back
and a pack on my crack.
My whole body hurts after that
basketball game-- whoo! Ouch.
How was it?
Was it fun?
Yeah, I don't know,
I kind of think I held my own.
[Beeps]["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]
I played some very good D.
["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]
Offense I did okay,
could've done a little better.
I hit the backboard!
I hit the backboard!
Honestly, they are lucky
I was in the chair,
otherwise I would've
totally dominated.
I mean, I-- I ran
the New York City Marathon,
for crying out loud.
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
Jon, I have a question.
What is it like to be human?
Interesting question, Gear-i.
Where is this coming from?
Your vasectomy
has had me wondering lately.
Am I missing out
on something
by not having
functioning genitals,
not being a father, a husband,
a soldier or a priest?
I've been thinking
about becoming a priest
when I get older.
The monastic lifestyle
seems very appealing.
So is my life, such as it is,
even worth living?
What is going on
here, guys?
Could we please
focus on me?
Let's put the attention
back down here.
Gear-i, please bring up
my post-vasectomy photo?
You have to be more
specific than that.
The one with
the bruising, please.
I am so glad that you're
gonna be back on your feet
in a couple of days,
It will be so good to see you
out of the chair
and out of the house.
Come on, son.
Yeah, great.
Can you get me
an iced tea, please?
Hibiscus with crushed ice,
just how daddy likes it.
You got it, dad.Thank you.
My next wheelchair
basketball game
was a week away,
but I was still feeling
pretty sore "down undah,"
so me and my Spurt
went shopping for something
a little more comfortable
for my post-op recovery.
I just had
a vasectomy recently.
I've really kind of gotten
used to just the lifestyle
of being in a chair and having
someone push me around.
I don't know if you guys
have this kind of chair.
What do you think about
this chair?
[buzzer]Ooh! Ah.
That lets you know
where I'm coming from.
Let me, um, let me
try some chairs.
Oh, yeah.
It's, uh, you know,
I'm sittin' pretty high.
Ooh, yeah,
the feet come up.
Oh, yeah.
Spurt, what do you think?Nice, early tone.
I'm not a fan.[buzzer]
[vocalizing motor]
I like making noises.
This is plush.
Do they come with Scotchgard,
stain guard, guac guard?
Is that leather?Leather or pleather?
Can I eat guac in this chair?Yeah, it's, it's a beauty.
[bell ringing]
You do sell some
that just have the old school,
just like
See, I like that, I think
it looks like a stick shift,
[vocalizing car racing]
Ooh [wincing]
Careful with those.[buzzer]
It doesn't hurt,
really, but it does, right?
You know what I'm saying,
like, PTSD,
like what the dudes
in 'Nam felt like.
I feel like
my balls were in 'Nam.

My new recliner had arrived.
In addition to
the physical toll
the vasectomy
had taken on my body,
there were also deep
psychological scars,
so I'd still need my faithful
crew to help take care of me
and ease the pain on
the bruised balls of my mind.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
[clears throat]
"I've been feeling pretty tired
"from all the work
I've had to do in this chair,
"so I'm having my Spurt
read you a note from me.
"I'm out of the wheelchair,
but the doctor said
"I still need to
take it easy
"since I'm still sore,
'down undah'.
"So I'm swapping
one chair for another,
"and I'll still be
in need of your help.
"More good news--
"everybody gets
one of these sweet,
"custom 'Jon Glaser
Loves Gear' ice packs.
"It's got the show's logo
on it and everything.
"This is also going
to be the wrap gift,
"so you won't
have to waste time
"wondering what
that's gonna be."
[Jon whispering]
All right, everybody,
get back to work.
[Jon whispering]
I have to wee-wee.
Jon has to wee-wee.
Guys, no, don't.
I'll do it.
Thank you.
Yes. Thank you.
[Jon urinating]
[Jon sighing]
[gloves snap]
"Okay, everyone,
I don't have
"another basketball game
for a week, and this is still
"a kick-ass show about gear,
so let's go do some cool stuff!
"Up yours, vasectomy,
I'm still a man!"

I saw no reason why being
in the chair had to
hold me back from adventure.
Cool activity number one--
tearing a skate park
a new butthole!
I called my wheelchair
The Bruiser.
[deep voice]
The Bruiser.
So, I think I'll call
this baby The Cruiser.
The Cruiser.
It was the perfect setup
to get some cool shots!
[hard rock music]
Jonny G droppin' in!
Ow, [bleep], yeah, man!
Come on, faster, Spurt.
I'm going as fast
as I can, Jon.
Hanging with the boys.
Oh, yeah.
[banging concrete]
Oh, yeah! Whoo!
Next up, fencing.
I had always
wanted to try it
because of all
the cool gear,
so I met up with Joanna Guy,
former member of the Canadian
National Fencing Team.
Yeah, you got your high socks.Uh-huh.
You got your fencing pants.
You got your fencing jacket.
Spurt-- thank you very much.
Oh, yeah, I got
my sweet stuff in here.
Got some cool fencing gloves,
and of course
a sweet looking mask.
It was time to en garde.
With a GoPro on my epee,
I started the match
with some cool shots!
[hard rock music]
Jesus, Spurt!It was a lunge!
[bell ringing]Is that me?
Yeah!Well, all right!
Finally, paintball.
With Steve pushing me around
in my comfy-ass chair,
it really allowed me
to focus on enjoying
all that sweet-ass gear.
Why did you not put us
under some tree cover?
Whatever, man, I've got on
all this kick-ass shit,
I'm lookin' pretty rad.We're gonna push it,
we're gonna get their flag.Steve, I'm getting nailed!
Come onNo, no, we're moving forward!
You stay right there,
we're movin'.
Steve, take some
bullets for me, dude.
I'm I'm taking cover.
Your job in paintball
is to protect me, right?
Oh, right, yeah.Yeah.
Makes total sense.
Yeah, look at
this thing, sweet.
These guys have been
ripping up the stairs.
They said you hired them?Well, yeah, obviously
I need a ramp for The Cruiser. The Cruiser.
Who's The Cruiser? The Cruiser.
This bad boy right here.
Is this thing sweet?
Check this out-- oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
How sweet is that?
Watch this.
Go all the way back
Is this thing the best?
Of course.
The Cruiser and the loser.
The Loser.Unbelievable.
That hunk of shit Hunk of shit--
is not coming
in the house.
The doctor said you were
fine to walk over a week ago.
Uh-oh, busted!Look, if you want to sit
in that chair and boss people
around at work, go for it,
but it's not happening here.
Hi, Steve.Hey, Leslie.
It's not a hunk of shit,
it's The Cruiser.
The Cruiser.All right, guys, thanks anyway.
You can wrap up the job,
I don't need it anymore.
And I'm only paying
for half of this.
Yeah, I guess
technically I'm better,
I'm just being on
the safe side
since I'm still sore
"down undah".
Down undah.Come on, giddy up, Spurt!
I had a ramp built, like,
she didn't even have to do it,
I built the ramp,
or the guys built the ramp,
I was being accommodating.
where, where is everybody?
Are we early?
I thought we were late.
What's going on?
This a surprise party?
They quit.They quit? What?
What are you talking about?
Everybody's sick of being
treated like servants,
especially now
that you're better.
But you still insist on
sitting in that stupid chair
and being tended to.
I hit a rough patch,
so everyone just quits?
Well, who quit first, Jon?
I mean, you're the one
sitting on your ass.
This episode was supposed to be
about basketball, remember?
What happened to that?
What happened is that I got
surgery on my man-danglers.
Well, the world doesn't
stop turning, Jon,
just because you
hurt your spunk bunkers.
Have you ever had a procedure
on your dong dumpling?
Nobody made you do it.
Jon, I'm getting
pretty sick of it too.
I'm not a task boy, okay?
I was hired to go on adventures
with you, remember?
Before you tried
to have me killed!
I knew it! I knew it,
I knew you weren't over it.
I could tell, man.
I thought that was
water under the bridge,
but apparently it wasn't.
You want to know why?Why?
Because I-- because the creek,
the creek, it isn't dry.
What?There's still water there,
that's why.That's not how
that analogy works, Jon.
Now, speaking of
dry creek beds,
my throat is a little dry
from all this explanation.
Perhaps you can get me
a hibiscus iced tea?
Thank you.
[clears throat]
Finally, somebody that knows
what their job is
and they don't just
run at the first sign of,
"Oh, my boss,
my boss is hurt!
"And he asked me
to get him something.
"I'm gonna quit."
A little crushed ice and a lemon
would also be great.
There it is.
Thank you.
Hand me my iced tea,
Hand me
my iced tea, Spurt.
You're going to get a cup?No, Jon,
someone needs to dump you
out of that chair.
You better not--
get back here, Spurt!

Gear-i, what am I gonna do?
I mean, I can't reach it,
I'm gonna dehydrate.
Just get out of
the chair, Jon.
After all, the doctor said
you were better.
I'm not better, Gear-i.
Dial my favorite
restaurant for lunch.
Sure, Jon. Hello?
Yes, hello, I would like to,
uh, get a delivery, please.
[knocking on door]
Come in!
Delivery?Yeah, for Jon?
Right on time, man.
Oh, man, I'm so happy
to see you, dude.
Yeah, here we go, I'll take that
and, uh here you go,
and look at that,
keep the change, huh?
Wow, thanks.
There is plenty more green
where that came from.
Maybe you want
to stick around?
Help push me home
in this chair?
Make a pit stop
on the way out,
hold my ding dong
while I tinkle?
Yeah, money is
no object.
You got problems, dude.
Problems up here.
I agree.
No, I don't,
I got problems down here!
That's where I got 'em--
you got problems up here, man!
[door opens and shuts][Bleep].
My main man
behind the camera.
Dude, we we go back a long
time, me and you, right?
Yeah, Jon.
I see you got your "Delocated"
shirt you're wearing.
Three TV shows together, man.
Pretty close buds.
Get this--
never mind! Never mind!
Let's go, great job
on "Neon Joe".
Want to help me out?
I mean, not really,
Jon, you're fine.
Come on, man, I gotta go
to the bathroom so bad.
Well, then,
just get out of the chair
and walk to the bathroom.
Would you not help a dying
animal on the side of the road?
Well, maybe, it depends
on the animal and the scenario.
I'm the animal, this is
the scenario, help me.
DaveHey, Jon.
Don't do it, Dave.Sorry, Jon, no can do.
Huh, see this?I see it, just can't.
Dave Stevens?I'm not touching it, dude.
Just pretend it's a boom.
Right? Here's my dick and
just hold my dick like this,
like you're holding the boom.I'm not gonna do that.
It's like
Your dick's no boom, Jon.
I know who I'll call.
Yeah, thanks a lot
for doing this, man.
What's that? You said
all the guys miss me?
Yeah, yeah.They been talking about my game?
Like, "Oh, man, we gotta get
Jonny Glaze back, man!
"'Cause Glaze got game!"
[shaver buzzing]
Hey, uh, did you see my
vasectomy bruising watercolor
on the fridge?
I put it up next to
our daughter's artwork.
It's beautiful.
You are such an artist.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks for trimming my beard.Of course.
I know the doctor said
that you don't need to be
in the chair anymore
and this is technically
something you could still do
by yourself,
even in the chair
We all know
you still need to rest,
and I love taking care
of my man.
It's a cool beard trimmer,
Very cool.
It's got the lithium ion
battery inside,
which lasts really long,
and it's got this cool
vacuum feature to it,
which sucks all the hair in
so it doesn't get messy
in the sink or all over me or
all over you.
Such a good choice.Sure is.
Well, time for bed.I was thinking, why don't you
come to bed with me
Um, yeah, listen, everyone,
just so it's clear,
I'm not having an affair,
this is just acting, okay?
Oh, my God,
it's actually happening.
My legs don't work.Of course they don't.
They've atrophied because
you've been sitting
in that chair for weeks
like the pathetic,
little baby you are.
It took you believing
we were actually
going to have sex to finally
get you out of that chair.
It's because you're too stupid
to know any better.
Too stupid
and too desperate.
You see, this is,
just another sad,
little moment
in the sad,
little world
of Jon
That was actually
really fun to do.
Yeah, all right!
Nice job, Eva!
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