Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

Road Trip

Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear"
Road trip![honking horn]
[continues honking]

So, my family and I are taking
a big trip to upstate New York
for a super sweet
snowboarding vacation.
Shooting the show
can be very stressful,
and I was really excited
to get away for a few days.
I was especially
happy to spend
some time with
my wife and kids,
even if their faces
were blurred.
Thank you so much
for doing this, honey.
We're gonna have
a great time, right, guys?
Whoo!Whoo-- you guys excited?
I was joined by
Stephanie Vermillion,
a travel consultant
who let me know how I did
gearing up for the trip.
So, check these out--
I got some travel sweats.
[deep voice]
Travel sweats.
They got really sweet
deep pocket right here.
Deep pockets.
I got some shades
for the road.
These are kind of, like
[imitating Nicholson]
Jack Nicholson style.
Jack Nicholson style.
And then when
I'm not using them
boom, right in my
travel sweats.
Travel sweats.
Cool bags, right?Very aesthetically pleasing.
Water bottles?Oh, and those are collapsible.
So, once the kids
[imitates gulping]
we just collapse 'em up
and they take up less room.
Bring them with you
to the ski slope
so you don't
have to buy water bottles--
you can bring your own
and fill them in the fountain.
Sweet tip!
So, this thing,
how cool is this?
First of all, this slices open
your seatbelt you can get out
if you're trapped.
Dad's the hero.
Dad's the hero.
Just in case, again,
we get into trouble,
I wanted to have, like,
some good walkie-talkies.
how'd I do on
road trip stuff? Over.
To keep everyone happy, you may want to put your snacks
in the middle seat
for the kids.
[deep voice]
Sweet tip!
When you're done speaking,
you have to say "over"
so the other person
knows you're done talking.
Sweet tip!
Oh-- got it. Over.
So, these snacks'll go here?
Yep, do that immediately.
Appreciate it.
Shit! I forgot
to say "over".
Also, since we can't see
my family's faces,
and since
they'll be playing
such a significant part
of today's episode,
the network suggested
I bring along a reaction guy,
so you'll know exactly how
my family is reacting
in certain situations,
whether it be happy
sad angry
scared, or whatever,
there will be no mystery now
as to how my family is feeling
about the trip.
Karl, come on in,
this is my family.
We settled on
a guy named Karl.
I thought he made
great faces.
All right,
everybody ready to go?
Okay, let's look into this
camera right here
and we're gonna say,
"road trip," on three--
everybody ready?
One, two, three--
Road trip!
Whoo!Cheers, Spurt.
Everybody say
good-bye to Spurt.
Bye, everybody!
It was time to hit
the open road,
and as you can see,
we also got
some spectacular
drone footage,
courtesy of our
very own Drone-i Malonie.
Great stuff, Drone-i.
Thanks, Jon.
[imitating Nicholson]
I like your
Jack Nicholson impression.
[imitating Nicholson]
Oh-ho-ho! Good Jack, Drone-i.
Driving, driving
Driving down the road
It's a road trip,
road trip ♪
On the highway of life
We're going from
our city to another city ♪
That's half the fun,
it's the destination not the-- ♪
No, it's the journey
not the-- ♪
Which one is it? Is it
the journey or the destiny?
It's the journey, sweetie.
It's okay, we get it.
Hey, uh, breaker-breaker,
dad to son, dad to son.
How we doing back there,
good buddy?
Got any smokeys
on our tail? Over.
Say again, dad to son,
Jon, Jon--
he has his headphones on.
Hey, good buddy--
Karl, would you nudge my son,
get his attention?
What? Trying to talk to you
through the walkie-talkies.
I know,
I don't want to talk.
Come on, it's fun,
any smokeys back there?
What's a smokey? Smokie is CB talk
for coppers.Can I just go back to my movie?
Would you talk in
the walkie-talkie, please?
Dad, I'm not talking on
a walkie-talkie.
You gotta say "over".I'm done talking.
Even if you're done
talking, you say,
"I'm done talking, over."
Over! Oh, my gosh!
Got it. 10-4, good buddy,
over and out.

After a beautiful drive
in the kick-ass
rugged SUV we rented,
we arrived at our cabin
in upstate New York.
We unloaded our gear and started
our snowboarding weekend.
I can already feel the stress
starting to melt away.
Oh, wow, yeah.
This place is cool--
it's like "The Shining".
Look at that-- they even got
a typewriter here.
Oh, yeah, this chair is sweet,
check this out, nice.
What's "The Shining"?Oh, yeah.
Uh, we're not gonna talk
about that, sweetie.
It's a scary movie that's
not appropriate for kids.
What's it about?Uh, long story short,
it's about this family
and they're in the woods
and the dad kind of goes crazy
and he tries to kill his family.
Jon, I just said
let's not talk about it.
Yeah, but that dad was working,
and this dad's on vacation.
I mean, listen, could I lose my
mind and try to kill you guys?
Yeah, that's just
a reality of life.
Will I actually do it?
Most likely not, so there's
nothing to worry about.
Now, that said,
we are in the woods,
and isolation can, you know,
mess with someone's mind,
so let's put
this plan in place.
If I start typing on that
typewriter and I start typing,
"All work and no gear
makes Jon a dull dad,"
or something like that,
that is your cue
to nip it in the bud.
What do you mean by
nip it in the bud?
You know what,
it'd just be easier
if you just watch
the movie.
Uh, hey, Gear-i, would you
bring up "The Shining"?
Nope. The kids are not
watching "The Shining".
Okay, guys, let's get
ourselves settled.
Classic Kubrick version
or the TV version
that Stephen King preferred?
Come on, Gear-i, what kind
of question is that?
If you're gonna
watch "The Shining"
[imitating Nicholson]
you gotta go with Jack.
Oh, my God.
Don't listen to this, kids,
let's go, keep going.
You guys check out your room,
I'll be right out here.
Hey, Karl, they couldn't
handle the truth
of my Jack impression.
Yeah, I'm gonna
go check on those rooms.
Sounds good, Karl.
We settled in and had
a really yummy dinner,
and even though we had yet
to go outside into the woods,
I'm so neurotic that
I made everyone do
a tick check before bed.
Hey, are you psyched
to try those
sweet snowboard
goggles tomorrow?
I don't know, I guess.
You guess?
You're not psyched for those?
Those things are so cool.
I don't get as excited
about gear as you do.
Instead of a tick check maybe
we should be doing a DNA check,
make sure you're my son.
Whatever, dad.
[eerie music]
What? What is it?
Is there a tick?
Um no, no, no tick.
False alarm,
just some dandruff.
Then why did you
just take a photo?
I don't know, it's
can't a father take a photo
of his son's scalp?
What's the big deal?
Yummy pancakes, mommy.
Glad you like them, honey.
You guys are
all up extra early.
Kids are super excited
about snowboarding,
been up all morning,
so stoked.
Good face, Karl!
[eerie music]
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Can I talk to you
for a second?
Sure.Hey, guys, I gotta talk to mommy
about logistics
for later.
You guys just talk to Karl
and look at his funny faces.
Oh, my gosh, he's so fun!
Hey, what's going on?
Last night when I was
doing his tick check
Yeah?I found a mark on his scalp.
My gosh, what was it?
This is gonna sound crazy,
but it was the word
"gear" and it had
one of those Ghostbusters
things crossing it out.
This is no longer
"The Shining".
This has become
"The Omen".
What?Do you not remember
in the movie, when the dad
is looking at his son's scalp
and he finds the mark
that says 666?
And he finds out his son
is the devil?
That is what's going on here.
You think our son
is the anti-Christ?
No, I think he is
the anti-Gear.
What are you talking about?
That makes zero sense.
It makes perfect sense.
Why do you think
he didn't want to play
with the walkie-talkies
in the car?
Because it would've
burned his fingertips,
because he's, like,
some kind of gear devil.
And you assumed that your
son is trying to kill you.
What are you talking about?
No, I think he's trying
to destroy my gear.
Show me the photo.
Jon, that's a birthmark.
That's what I thought.
It's a blurry photo,
you didn't see what I could see.
Okay, I'm good.
Okay, guys, um
Daddy's gonna go get changed
and we'll hit slopes.
Okay, kids, let's finish up
and head on out.
Here you go, sweetie.
[distorted voice]
Yum, yum!
We were ready to hit the slopes.
Some of us were beginners,
so first up,
a quick private lesson
with our instructor Brian
from Thunder Ridge.
All right, guys,
let's grab our boards
and let's put it down
on the ground, flat,
right in front
yourselves, okay?
Jon, we're gonna put our board
down on the ground, there.
Sweet board, right?
Yeah, we're gonna put it on
the ground for now, though,
we're gonna start out
with talking about the board.
You don't think we should
start off by talking about
all this sweet gear?
[deep voice]
Sweet gear.
[background conversations]
I got a slow start
to my lesson,
but a hot start on my gear.
My daughter did really well
for her first time.
Karl's really good
at making faces.
Uh, not so much.
And my son sure seemed to be
enjoying himself and his gear.
Maybe I was seeing things
back in the cabin,
and a day on the mountain
was the perfect cure
for a stressed-out dad.
All right, guys,
let's make sure that that heel
is set back nice and tight.
Get it nice
and tight, guys.
And those bindings
are nice and tight as well.
I'm gonna go get my board
real quick, I'll be right--
Oh, I have
the same goggles.
Those are sweet.
How cool was that?
Yeah, pretty cool.Got the same goggles
as the instructor.
That feel good when
he said that to you?
Oh, yeah.
Gear not only
makes you look cool,
but it can really make you
feel cool too, right?
All right, so what
we're gonna do,
we're gonna pretend the hill
is a secret class five
government document.
We're gonna shred it up.
[shredding metal music]
Feel the shred!
Shred it!
Shreddin' the mountain
was awesome.
I hadn't been this amped
since I ran
the New York City Marathon.
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
[overlapping conversations]not bad.
Sweetie, you were doing
pretty good, honey.
That was so great.Nice job.
Karl, pretty good, man.
Nice job over there.Thanks.
Hey, Brian!
What's up, my dude?What's up? How was that?
Kind of feels like
Thanksgiving up there
the way I'm carving
those slopes.
Carving those slopes.
Oh, hey, uh,
I really wanted to thank you
for complimenting my
son's goggles this morning.
That, like, totally
made his day.
No problem, man,
they're a sweet pair.
Also, you know,
it's okay to compliment adults
when they're wearing
some sweet gogs.
Whatever you say.Yeah.
They're not bad.Not bad at all.
What was that?What wasthat?
Oh, shoot, man, that's
not supposed to happen.
Whoa That is crazy--
see this, man?
Goggles shouldn't just crack
like that, right?
Never. They're supposed
to be shatter-proof.
[eerie music]
They really enjoyed
snowboarding today.
And he's still wearing
his goggles,
Which disproves
your theory
about him being
the anti-Gear.
Yeah, I don't think he's
the anti-Gear anymore.
I think he's the devil.
Oh, my God, now what?
Well, originally I thought
he was one of
the devil's minions,
but now I just think
he is Satan himself.
Did you see that?
He turned right when
I said that!
There's no way he could've
heard me out there.
He heard because he's got
supernatural hearing powers
because he is the devil!
He is playing us.
He is going to wait for me
to let my guard down
and then he's gonna open
the gates of hell
and suck all the gear
off the face of the earth.
It's gonna be like
and then gear is gonna
be like [vocalizing]
and everyone's gonna be like
and people are gonna be like
Jon, do you hear yourself
right now? You sound insane.
Yeah, that sounded
a little extreme.
Maybe you should go outside
and do something
to clear your mind.
Yeah, I agree.
Maybe, um
You know what,
I'm gonna go snowshoeing.
That was like, I wanted
to do that this trip,
I think this is
the perfect day for it.
I'll just go do that--
just a nice, solo jaunt.
[dramatic music]
Can I come, father?
You were just outside,
how did you get in here?
We just finished playing
outside, now we're inside.
Um you know,
snowshoeing is, uh,
it's more of a solo thing
for dads, so I don't think so.
Please, father.
Take a walkie-talkie.
If the anti-Gear shows up,
give me a call,
I'll come save you.
Fine, you can come.
having my son enjoying
all this sweet gear with me
would be a dream come true.
But I was waiting for that dream
to turn into a nightmare
when he transformed
into the anti-Gear.
Mom to son, mom to son.
How's it going out there?
Hey, mom, yeah, we're outside,
having a blast snowshoeing.
All right, have fun,
over and out.
10-4, good buddy.
You're right, father, these
walkie-talkies are so cool!
See, I told you, right?
Oh, I'm gonna go
check out the ravine.
Oh, yeah, that sounds good.
I'll catch up with you
in a sec, okay?
Just be careful.
Hey, uh, do you mind
keeping an eye on him, Karl?
Oh, sure.
Thanks a lot, man.
Oh, and uh,
loving the faces.
Really, really great.
Oh, yeah?[laughing]
Classic Karl.
[eerie music]
Gear-i, uh, what's
the current temperature?
38 degrees. Having fun?
Uh, yeah, I think so.
Jon, do you still think
your son is the anti-Gear?
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe I'm making
myself nuts, I mean
He really seems to be
having a good time,
and I got to admit,
it's pretty great seeing
him enjoy all that gear
just like his old man.
It sounds like it's
all been in your head, Jon.
Yeah, maybe you and Leslie
are right, Gear-i.
Man, it's beautiful out, Gear.
I mean, Gear-i.
Son, I'm coming!
You okay?Yeah, I'm fine.
What happened?We were just looking
at the edge of the cliff
and then Karl just fell down.
What? Karl!
I think I broke my leg!
Gear-i, call 911.
I'm sorry Jon, but I don't
have a signal out here.
Oh, my God-- here, give me
that walkie-talkie.
Breaker-breaker, Leslie,
come in, over.
[deep distorted voice]
There's no Leslie here.
Who is this? Over.
Who is this?
This is Jon Glaser
from the TV show
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear".
Gear Over.
Gear over?
Gear over.
Who wasthat?
That was a weird voice.
[Karl screaming]What exactly happened here?
We were just looking over
the edge and he fell off.
He fell off?
Yeah.Or you pushed him?
Father, father--
no, what are you
talking about?
You're the devil.
What? Is this that thing where
I need to nip you in the bud?
No. Do I need to
nip you in the bud?
Uh, not really.
Are you guys comin'?
Hold tight, Karl!
I'm just gonna go
get some gear!
Okay. Okay, well,
just, just keep us posted.
All right, thanks.
Hey, good morning,
everybody, what's up?
Who, uh, who were you
on the phone with?
Oh, that was the hospital.
Karl's got a really bad
broken leg and a concussion.
They said he's lucky
it wasn't worse.
Why aren't you dressed?
Oh, um, you know, it was so much
fun sleeping in the union suit,
I thought it would also
be fun to, uh, you know,
pop the butt flap, drop
a deuce while I was wearing it.
Okay, well, just hurry up,
we want to get going.
Yes, father.
I can't wait to get back outside
and hit the slopes again.
I'm really starting
to love gear.
[eerie music]
Yeah, you know what, why don't
you guys go on with out me?
I don't want to
rush this deuce,
and I actually have some
errands I gotta run in town.
This is the last day
of our vacation.
Tell you later,
nature calls.
Whoop, whoop,
whoopsie doodles.
While my wife and daughter
tempted fate
by hanging out with
the anti-Gear all day,
I headed into town to look
for just the right thing
that would aid in my battle
of good versus evil.
Thankfully, I found it.
It even had a super cool
turbo feature.
[eerie music]
Well, the kids are asleep.
Finally.Yes, you coming to bed?
I think I'm gonna read
for a little bit.
Well, don't stay up too late,
we're leaving early
in the morning
and you said you'd
drive, so
I did.All right.
All right, good night,
sweetie, I love you.
Good night, honey.I'll be up soon.
Okay.Good night, Karl,
sorry about your foot.Hey. Good night.
Yeah, great faces as always.
All right.
[eerie music]
Dad? What are you doing?
[imitating Nicholson]
I'm not gonna hurt ya.
I'm just gonna cut your
freakin' hair off.
What?Come here!
Cut it out!Come here!
Why do you want to do
a haircut at night?
Open this door!No!
Open up!
I'm gonna buzz this door down!I don't want a haircut.
Turning on the turbo mode--
now, here we go.
Oh-- all right,
the blade popped off,
but when I get
this blade back in,
it's gonna be
"Gear's Johnny"!
Quit doing that
impression, it sucks!
No, it doesn't,
it sounds just like him!
What the hell are you doing?
I'm trying to trim his scalp
so I can show the world
he's the anti-Gear!
Mom, he's nuts!
Nip it in the bud!
Give me those.
Sweetie, come on out,
it's okay, I'm here.
No way!It's okay, everything's fine,
everything's fine,
everything's fine.
Daddy just has an idea
that there's some kind of
a mark on your head
Not just some kind of a mark,
the mark of the anti-Gear.
The what?Knock it off!
You're scaring him.
Would you just let daddy
take a look at your scalp
for just a second?
Thank you, here we go,
Anti-Gear revealed
on three.
One, two, three!
It's a birthmark.Yeah, it's a birthmark.
Way to ruin a vacation.
Sweetie, let's just forget
about this, okay?
Everything's all right,
all right?
Why don't you just go back
to bed, all right?
Thanks a lot, dad.
Sorry, son.Whatever.
Come on.
Come on, don't make
that face.
Oh, uh, where's Karl?
Should probably get him out
here for some reactions.
Karl, sorry to
wake you up, man,
uh, I know it's late but we got
a little situation out here,
we need some,
we need some reactions.
Hey, Karl?[eerie music]
I can't handle the truth of
death by auto-erotic
Um I don't think
we should go in there,
but this was Karl's
final face.
[deep voice]
Rest in peace, Karl.
It's another road trip,
we're on the road,
heading back downstate
to where we live.
Jon, can you please stop?
Kids, do you have
any more questions
about what Karl
did to himself?
You understand the concept of
risk versus reward, right?
What's the reward?
Okay, we're not gonna get
into this right now, okay?
Too bad he's not
here right now.
He'd be making this face
that you're doing.
No one's gonna talk?
All right, that's fine,
nothing wrong with that.
Just have a nice, relaxing,
long, quiet ride home.
That actually sounds
pretty nice.
[imitating Nicolson]
I mean, unless, of course,
Jack Nicholson
shows up behind
[all talking at once]We're not doing that right now.
Why not? What's not fun?
You don't even
sound like him!
Oh, you think you'd do
a better Jack than me?
Then let's have a Jack Nicholson
impression contest.
We'll have ourselves
a good, old-fashioned Jack-off.
Oh, daddy, stop!
[all talking at once]
Previous EpisodeNext Episode