Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e07 Episode Script


Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
Photography![camera clicks]
[polaroid whirring]

One of my biggest
regrets in life
was never
having followed through
on the photography class
I took in college.
So I headed to Brooklyn's
Focus Camera to right this wrong
and gear up on what was sure
to become a new life passion.
So I took a photography class
when I was in college,
and I really enjoyed it.
I had what I call
chops eye.
I never heard of that before.All right, well, you know
the term "chops"?
If you're just good at
something, people might say,
"Man, you got chops,"
and then having, like,
a good eye,
like for an artist
Yeah?You got a really good eye.
So that was something
I had-- "chops eye".
[deep voice]
Chops eye!
[camera clicks]
I just wanted to make sure when
you're helping me out
that you're, like, oh,
I'm helping out a guy
that's got chops eye.
Chops eye!
I want to get a nice camera,
I want to get some cool gear.
All right, let's do it.
These, to me,
look pretty kick-ass.
Yeah, this is, like,
the amateur beginner camera.
No thank you.
These cameras would
probably be the ones
that you would
want to go with.
Beautiful, Ralph.
Oh, yeah, there we go.[camera clicking]
That lens is sweet.
Oh, yeah.
[vocalizing camera clicking]
You ever make sound effects
when you're taking pictures?
You don't really hear the noises
anymore, I mean, a little bit.
How would you do the noise?It kind of disappeared.
[hissing]That's your camera noise?
You need a better noise
than that, Ralph.
We have tripods over here.
I'm gonna put you
to the test real quick.
Let's say you're
in the woods,
you're getting
some nature photography,
you see an eagle,
the eagle takes a baby,
you gotta get that shot,
this could be
your shot in Nat Geo,
how quickly can you assemble
this tripod?
Let's do 20 seconds.Let's see.
All right, Gear-i? Yes, Jon.
Put him on the timer.
Timing starts
Come on, that eagle
just took the baby,
the parents are screaming,
"Oh, my God! My baby!
Oh, somebody save my baby!
"Somebody else'll get a picture!
Oh, my God, my baby!
"Oh, my God, this eagle's
taking my baby!
"What a photo opportunity!
Oh, God!"
And stop.
What was that time, Gear-i?
That was 25 seconds, Jon.
Ahh.You missed the shot, but, uh
The baby survived?
Ugh, the baby died.[eagle screeching]
Too bad for the baby,
but thanks to Ralph,
I was ready to
reignite an old passion
and test out some new gear.
C-c-c-chops eye.
Chop it up.
Headin' to the chophouse.
Chop salad with a side
of porkchop.
My hands-free umbrella
would keep my gear dry,
while I walked around town
taking plenty of classic shots.
But none of these photos had me
feeling truly inspired until
Excuse me, sir?
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I take
a photo of your backpack?
Uh, my backpack?Yeah, I'm a big fan of gear,
and your backpack
is super cool.
Yeah.Thank you.
I realized in that moment
that my thing wasn't just gear,
but that my true calling
was taking photos of gear.
I like that jacket.
Do you mind if I take
a photo of it?
Can I take a picture
of the water bottle?
Can I take a photo
of your helmet?
Sweet kicks, man,
are those Jordans?
It's a case for,
for a baby scale?
Capturing the beauty of gear
had fulfilled me in ways
I didn't think possible,
but I wanted these pictures
to be more than
just cool shots.
I wanted people to see
gear the way I saw gear.
But to take pictures
like that,
I was going
to need a little guidance,
so I met up with a professional
portrait photographer
to make sure I was taking
the best pictures I could.
So, I kind of like this one,
this lady had a really cool bag.
It was just, I thought,
a cool piece of gear.Right.
You seem like
you-- are you not into these?
Um, I just think
you need to work on, uh,
framing the whole photo.
I thought I was taking all
these photos with chops eye.
Chops eye!
Wh-what?Chops eye?
Chops eye!
You know that term?Let me show you, over here,
some of the photos that I've
taken that I think have,
uh, sort of show you
what I'm talking about.
See?That's nice.
Yeah, there's kind of
a difference.
These are sort ofYeah, I like
the framing on that.
That feels like chops eye.
Chops eye!
Well, let's work on it.
Uh, I see that you brought some
of your gear and everything
and, uh
That's why I'm here, to get some
pointers from the pros, so
Why don't you grab
something you like
and throw it in there,
we'll take some shots.
So, I got to work
taking photos while Keith
gave me some great tips.
Oh, there we go, this is nice.Yeah, there you go.
The thing is that this--
it's a little low.
So, why don't you grab a stool,
bring it in,
and lay the gear
on top of the stool?
That's actually along the lines
of what I was thinking
'cause it's ultimately
going to be portraiture--
is that a word?
Exactly. That's more of a term,
just so you know,
than chops eye.
Chops eye!
Yeah, I'm liking this framing.[camera clicks]
So much better.It's higher.
How sweet are these, right?
Cool.Very cool.
This would be a part
of a goggle series.
Maybe, like,
a woman pulling her robe down?
Oh, yeah!
Well, now you're
telling a story,
that's excellent,
that's great.
Like that?That's too kiltered.
Yeah, that's better.
Oh, I love how this looks.[camera clicks]
Why don't you grab
something that you like
and then get in there and then
I'll take some shots of you?
So, me and the gear?Yeah, you and the gear.
Well, this is
the whole story
All right.Great.
[camera clicks]Look at that.
I like that.Yeah?
Now, lets do one where
you're sort of interacting
with the backpack,
like you're
That's pretty just came upon it
in the store.[camera clicks]
That's so great.
Look at you,
you're having such a blast!
You know what, why don't you
take your shirt off?
Take my shirt off?Yeah.
Yeah, it'd be more of,
like, an arty vibe.
That seems fun.This'll be great.
Oh, there we go--
perfect, perfect.
Yeah, that's what I like. Gear!
So, here's some shots
that I took of my gear,
and then these are
some of the shots
the photographer took
of me and my gear.
Aren't these great?What's happening here?
Okay, so first, he got
shots of just my gear,
and then he's like,
"Why don't you get in there?
Get some shots
of you with the gear?"
I was like, well,
that sounds fun,
so I got in some of
the shots, and then he said,
"Why don't you take
your shirt off?"
And I thought, sounds fun,
so I tried some like that,
and then he said,
"Keep going with that,
"just take off your pants,"
and I was like
sure, that sounds cool and
we got some fun shots like that,
and then he said, "Why don't
you do that thing
"where you tuck
your penis between your legs
"and pretend to have
a vagina?"
So, did some of those.
[camera clicks echoing]
What-- it wasn't sexual,
clearly, it's artistic,
I mean, look at these,
they're beautiful.
Jon, he took
advantage of you.
What? No.
Look at these-- these are
tasteful shots, I mean,
I-- I did this to become
a better photographer.
How does somebody else taking
photos of you tucking
make you a better
Because I'm observing
his process
and seeing how he does things
so then I can do it myself
when I'm taking pictures,
so I can get better chops eye.
Chops eye!
Also, we set up GoPros and got,
like, some super cool shots.
[hard rock music]
I don't really understand why
you're sweating me about this.
It was no big deal, it was
just a professional lesson,
I was in control
the whole time, it was fine.
You were his puppet
and he was pulling the strings!
I should know, this has
happened with me before
on some modeling shoots.
You have to confront him!
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Will you come with me?
No, no, I think
this is something
that you should do
for yourself.
Eva was right.
I needed to confront
the photographer,
so I headed to his studio and
brought Spurt along for muscle.
So, how's it been going?
You've been taking
photographs and everything?
Yeah, I feel like even
in just the past week
I've made a real progression
as a photographer.
That's awesome.Yeah.
I'm so glad to hear it.
I feel like you have
a real talent and an eye
Hey, why did you trick me into
getting naked and tucking?
Jon, I don't think
I tricked you into anything.
Oh, really?
'Cause my fake wife
says you did.
Fake wife?She's pissed off.
She says that I was
your puppet.
[chuckles]What's so funny?
Why are you smiling?
Is this a joke to you?
You think it's okay to--
to manipulate people
into doing something
they don't want to do?
Get him, Spurt!
Spurt, get him!
Jon, do you feel like
I manipulated you?
And at any point, while we
were taking our photos,
did you feel uncomfortable?
In fact, I, uh, never felt
more comfortable
or more free
in my entire life.
So, you enjoyed yourself.
Very much.
Jon, I have some friends
that I would like you to meet.
Steve, you want to
join us?
No no, this is
your journey.
You do it on your own.
So, I headed out with Keith
to meet a group of tuckers.

This is our little playground.Oh, wow.
Pretty great, huh?
This is where we come
to be ourselves.
Got the foosball over here,
obviously pool.
Hey, guys, how you doing?
That's our insignia logo,
very proud of that.
Very cool.
Oh, here, here he is.Great bar, wow, beautiful.
Hey, nice to see you,
how's it going?
Nice to see you-- good.
Oh, this must be that new tucker
that you were talking about.Yep.
Nice to meet you, Jon.
Good to meet you as well.Thank you.
Uh, so, uh, so everybody here's,
uh, is a tucker?
You all seem so, uhNormal?
Well, there's nothing abnormal
about being a tucker, Jon.
Just because
the world outside shuns us
doesn't mean that
we should shun ourselves.
Sure.Jon Glaser?
Uh, yeah.Oh, I knew it
from The Rocker.Wow, uh, deep cut.
Deep cut.
Are you gonna use this
for your show?
I mean, we got a lot of super
cool, sick gear here, uh
Joe, why don't you show him
that really cool wine opener
that you just got?
Whoa! Nice, man.Crushes bottles, crushes.
That thing is cool.
This, this brings
an idea to mind.
We could use a celebrity
spokesperson, Jon
for the tuckers.
You could be our Ellen.
I-- I don't know, guys.Oh
I told you
You haven't told your family yet
have you?
Well, no, I mean,
I just
figured out I was a tucker,
like, an hour ago.
[all talking at once]Guys, he just got here, okay?
Listen, let's give him a little
bit of time to get comfortable,
okay, he's got to figure it out
for himself, right?
He's on his own journey.
Come on in, grab a drink, relax,
we'll talk about
all this later, okay?
Sure.Yeah, have fun.
Yes, yes.Have fun.
All right.

I was pretty nervous at first,
but the guys made me feel
so welcome,
that it was
actually pretty easy
to finally drop, tuck, and roll
right into my new lifestyle.
Jon, everybody.
It didn't take long
to start feeling
really comfortable,
since after all, I was among
fellow tuckers.
Even the foosball goalie
was tucking!
I want to raise a glass
to our new friend Jon.
He is a proud tucker for life!
To Jon!
After so many years of never
knowing who I truly was,
it felt good to
finally be home.
Huh, good day, right?
That's pretty fun.Let's
What's going on?
What are they doing?
Oh, they're just
bumping tucks.
Bumping tucks?Yeah, it's like a fist bump,
high five, just celebratory
kind of thing.
Oh, really?Yeah, want to give it a shot?
Uh, yeah, all right.Yeah.
Just bump and tuck?Just bump and tuck-- ready?
Oh!There you go!
Yeah, bump and tuck!
Bump and tuck?
Bump and tuck?
There you go!
Want some of this?
Oh! Boom!Yeah!
We high fived,
and we bump tucks!
I was having a great time
with my new friends,
but I needed to have a very
difficult conversation
about tucking
with somebody else--
my father.
I have something very important
I need to tell you.
I have recently awakened to,
um, to a personal truth.
Dad, I'm a tucker.
Well, well, well.
I've waited a long time
for this day.
You have?I have.
I truly have.
We come from
a long line of tuckers.
Yeah. Let me show you.
I was a tucker.Really?
Look at that.
I tucked at Woodstock
the entire time Jimi Hendrix
played "The Star
Spangled Banner".
And I never felt more
patriotic in my life.
My father was a tucker.
That's grandpa?That's grandpa!
Is he the only tucker
in his unit?
The only one.
His father was a tucker.Whoa! Wow!
He was part of a gang called
The Tammany Tuckers,
a glaring omission from that
movie, "Gangs of New York".
This is a picture
I took in Washington, DC,
when I was in high school.
The Tomb of
the Unknown Tucker.
Dad, this is incredible.
How far does this go back?
Here's something
I found online.
Clearly, that caveman
is tucking.
Mother tucker.
With every passing
item my dad showed me,
I felt like I was taking one
step closer to my destiny.
I knew what I had to do.
Okay, guys, uh,
I wanted to talk to you all
because I have a very big
announcement to make.
Before I do so, I bought a new
dartboard for the club!
Yeah!Thanks, Jon!
Isn't that nice?[applause]
Thank you, buddy.All right, so
I spoke to my family,
spoke to my parents,
and I have made a decision.
[men gasp]
You got yourself
a spokes-tucker!
[cheering and applause]I'm a celebrity!
I wanted a cause,
and now I got one!
Say, yeah!
Yeah! Yeah. Gear!

Tim had never missed the mark
with the megaphone before,
so I tucked on up to the bar
to find out what was going down.
What's up, man?
Everything okay?
You know, the megaphone
didn't really, you know,
didn't come in
with its usual authority.
Yeah, sorry, man, it just--
it's been a long day, you know?
So, you just,
you're just tired, that's it?
I mean, you, you nail
every time, man.
I mean, even when you had
the flu one time,
it was like, boom.
You know, you know
what the truth is, Jon?
I'm just not comfortable
being part of a show
that promotes
this kind of lifestyle.
This kind of lifestyle?
You're talking about tucking?
If you're tucking
I can't be a part of
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear".

Tim Tim, are you serious?
Tim, Tim!
Tim, come on, man,
you can't quit! Tim!
I'm a tucker, Tim!
My plans of being the Ellen
of tucking had to be
put on hold
while I found
myself a new Tim.
The reason we're doing
this today,
having these auditions,
is the guy whose job it is
We had a philosophical
difference, sexual in nature
I don't know if you're
familiar with tucking?
Penis between the legs,
pretend you have a vagina.
I'm digressing.
All right.
That was pretty good.
It was a little casual.
Too casual.
Good. A little higher.
Too high.
Way too slow.
Too slow.
Maybe this'll help.
I ran the New York
Marathon this year.
Ran the 'Thon!
I crossed that finish line,
megaphone comes in.
If you're a crocodile
and you see a gazelle
that's in the water and you
just want to go get it.
Not enough croc!Hold on, Bernie, seriously?
Seriously, Bernie?
A little slow.
Too fast.
Too high.
A little low.
No. No!
Thank you.
How are the new Tim auditions?
I don't know, I mean,
some of them had
the angle right,
but they didn't have
the right aggression.
And some of them came in
with the proper authority,
but they were too high
or they were too low.
They all seemed fine to me.
I don't want fine.
I want Tim.
It doesn't seem like
it should be that hard.
I know, that's what's
so great about Tim--
he nails it
every single time.
You know, all of our megaphone
people, they're all good
You know, Brandon
does a good job,
Sam does a good job
when she fills in.
Brett was good too, but,
I was really hoping
we'd find another Tim
in the auditions, but
there is no other Tim,
there's only Tim, and he is
he's our best
megaphone person.
[shouting from street]
What is that?
You guys hear that?
What the [bleep]?
he loves tucking, a lot!
You gotta be kidding me.
That's a nice
megaphone, though.
Wait-- is that ours?
Did he steal our megaphone?
Gear-i, you see that?
Yep, that's one of ours.
What a jerk!
I don't know why Tim
is doing this.
But I'm not going
down without a tuck!
Jon Glaser likes gear.
Jon Glaser loves tucking!
[Jon hissing
camera clicks]
[Jon hissing
camera clicks]
[Jon hissing
camera clicks]
Jon Glaser is a tucker! Support tuckers' rights!
Support tuckers' rights!
Support tuckers'
Not much of a turnout.
A couple of people bailed
last minute.
I totally believe that.
See you camped out
Going to the extreme.
That's a nice tent, good gear.
You too, man.
You look cool.
Been really excited
about this outfit.
I got so much sweet stuff here--
check this thing out.
This is a buff--
looks like a bandana
but it's also a neck warmer,
it just looks cool with the--
the skulls and shit.
Nice-ass backpack, right?
I could put
so much stuff in here.
I got all my protest stuff,
like Kleenex, some snacks,
got a box of band-aids.
Of course I got
my gallon of milk
in case I get pepper spray
in my face.
Yeah.I also brought chocolate milk,
I just think
it tastes better.
That way in case I get nailed
and I'm like, ugh!
Give it a spray,
be like, ugh!
Oh mmm, oh
Then, in case it was quiet,
and there was down time
and time to kill,
uh, I brought my book.
It's a great book
if you want to check it out.
It's by Harper Perennial.
[deep voice]
Cheap plug.
In case, like, shit went down,
I brought, like,
a weapon for self-defense.
OhRemember this?
Yeah, I remember that, yeah.From the baseball episode
last season, this is for, like,
pounding, beating up the mitt.
Yeah!Put it in the mitt!
Put it in the mitt!
So, whatever, you know, it's all
my cool stuff and, uh, yeah.
So, how's everyone at the show?Tim, what are we
doing here, man?
You're protesting me,
I'm counter-protesting you.
It's not right, Tim!
Tim, we're a team!I know!
Then how do we
make this right?
It was clear that me and Tim's
relationship had taken a hit.
So, I turned to someone who had
helped me many times before,
someone who had
emotional chops eye.
Emotional chops eye.[camera clicking]
I'm not protesting him.
I'm protesting
what he does.
Well, just because we don't
like something about our buddy
doesn't mean we still can't
like them overall.
I just don't get it, is all.
There-- there's
nothing to get, Tim.
I'm pretending that I have
a vagina-- it's very simple.
What is even the big deal
about it?
Tim, what is it about tucking
that makes you so uncomfortable?
I'm a lifter.
What the hell is a lifter?
It's a person who
likes to lift
their penis
and scrotum up.
Okay, and then what?
Nothing, just lift.
Hold on.
So, you're a lifter,
but you have something
against tucking?
There's at least
a concept behind tucking.
You're not even
doing anything.
You're just lifting
and that's it?
I don't know, man,
it feels good!So what?
Yeah, and it's like--So what if it feels good?
So does mine!But your junk
goes down, right?But you're just lifting
and then that's it.Yeah!
So what? So, it's like
This is a really good place
to stop, you guys.
This is all valid.
We're just trying to find
a really good common ground
to get you guys
back on track, right?
How do we even do that?
I don't know.
We could
bump regulars?
I mean, I'm not sure, but
at this point I'm willing
to try almost anything.
In this divided world
where people are pushed
to extremes,
sometimes a little
connection is all it takes
to make us realize that
we're here to lift each other
to a better tomorrow,
to help each other
tuck away our pain.
Only then can we
truly change the world.
Come on, man, just,
just lean into the bulge.
All right, all rightJust lean into the bulge.
I don't feel like
this is working.
You're right,
I'm not feeling it,
it doesn't feel right.
I got it. I got it.
Come on, Tim,
let's get out of here!
I had the perfect brainstorm
for tuckers and lifters
to come together
for the greater good.
There was no time to lose!
Tuckers and lifters united
to end world hunger!
Tuckers and lifters united
to end world hunger!
What an emotional roller coaster
of an episode.
Wow, man.
That felt so good.
Yeah, we did it.
From a journey of
and saving an important
to the culmination of two very
different groups of people
finding common ground by
tucking away their differences,
lifting their spirits,
and coming together
for a good cause.
Now, that's what
I call chops eye.
Chops eye!
[camera clicks]
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