Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

1
[dance music playing]
Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear"
Swing dancing.
♪
Gear!
So, our kids got us
swing dancing lessons
for our anniversary,
and, let me just be
very clear,
I hate swing dancing.
I hate the music,
I hate the stupid clothes,
I hate the whole
dumb jive scene,
like, what is it, just like,
"oh, we're all gonna, like,
"comb our hair and go
to segregated schools."
Is that the deal?
We agreed to do more things
as a couple.
Sweetie, I'm trying.Oh, come on.
Okay? I am trying
and I'm dying.
Dying seems like a little bit
of an extreme reaction
to dance lessons, Jon.
I am dying!
I have tried.[blowing raspberry]
Let me show you
what I mean.
Gear-i, um, would you play
a generic swing dance beat?
Yes, Jon, of course.
[playing generic swing beat]
Ugh!
Oh, God! Ugh!
Okay, all right,
point taken.
[Gear-i beeps, Jon moans]
Ugh, as soon as I hear, like,
the [vocalizes beat and gags]
Oh, God, ugh!
[sarcastically]
Wow, you're really trying, Jon.
Okay, look,
on the one hand, no,
I'm not onboard with
a three-foot chain
hanging from my pants
and learning the tip-top bop
or the shim-sham or whatever
the dumb dances they're called.
But on the other hand, it was
a very sweet gift from our kids,
and it is something that
Leslie really loves.
Thank you.
So, why can't you just
embrace that aspect of it?
Because it is a bad match.
It is like a democrat
marrying a republican.
What?It's like James Carville
and Mary Matalin-- it's, it
can't work, it's not gonna last.
That's a great example,
they've been happily married,
I think, for over two decades.
Yeah, exactly.
You sure about that?Mm-hmm.
There's no way
she's not cheating.
You know, I don't get it.
You're always trying to get me
to be on your gear show,
and you're finally
doing an episode
where even I'm excited
to be a part of it,
and you won't
even give it a chance?
Come on, you'll have fun!
Fine, I'll swing dance.Yes!
[swing dance music]
Thank you very much for, uh,
having us here.
My pleasure, thanks to you.Before we start,
I just wanted to
make it very clear
that I don't want
to be here.
Oh.I don't like the music,
I don't like the clothes.By the way,
thank you for dressing up.
Listen, you look
beautiful, okay?
My wife wanted to dress up
for this, I opted for comfort,
so I wore a cool T-shirt
and some of my favorite
Sunday sweats.
[deep voice]
Sunday sweats.
And we're gonna start
with rock-step.
Yeah, rock-step
like this, perfect,
and then you're gonna kick,
and then you kick
with your right
and then you plant it down.
And then you repeat it
again-- rock-step, kick,
and double step
Come on, baby.a little attitude, eh?
And boom, and rock-step,
three, four
Come on, Jon.
And down.
All right, let's try with music.
I think it's gonna be even
better with the music.
Yay!Maestro!
You guys, if I, if I throw up,
you have stuff to clean?
[swing music playing]Feel the beat first.
[snapping, Jon moaning]
Bop-bop.
And rock, bop [scatting]
and five, six,
here we go, and
[Jon]
Swing dancing was turning out
to be everything I thought
it would be-- awful.
If I end up in jail ever,
like, on death row,
and I get
the death penalty
Yeah?They should just lock me
in a chair
and play swing music.
Oh, come on!It's not that bad.
But to my surprise,
I found myself
loosening up more and more
as the lesson went on.
And then something
started to change--
I started to feel
a little different,
and I did not like it.
I tried my best
to fight it.
But when I started dancing
with Leslie, I hate to say it,
I mean, I really
hate to say it,
but I could feel myself
starting to give in and let go.
He's freestyling!
Go! Go! Go!
Use your hands.Look at you go!
You're nailing this, honey.
My previous judgements
about swing dancing
slowly faded away.
Oh, man, Milo, thank you
so much, thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh!
I'm sweaty but I feel energized.
I'm like, super-- it was
like a workout, right?
It was, totally.It was so much fun.
Yeah.So much fun.
Wait.
What did you just say?
Um noth-- nothing, it was,
yeah, it was fine.
Bullshit!
I want to see playback.
[swing music playing]
Whoo!
Look at you! Boom! Who knew?
Yeah, well, I had fun.
I'm sorry, what was that?
I had-- I had fun.I'm sorry, I couldn't hear
what you were saying.
I had fun swing
dancing, okay?
I like swing dancing!
[swing dance music]
You seem to be really
enjoying something
that was causing you
a lot of anxiety a week ago.
Oh, you mean swing dancing?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm way into it now.
It's super fun. I love it.
Also, there is a lot of
sweet gear involved,
like check this out--
I got a super cool chain,
it just looks cool
[jangling]
It makes a good noise
when I walk.
Lets people know from behind
there's a cool guy comin'.
Got this cool thing,
look at this
how sweet is this?
Switchblade comb.
Isn't that awesome?
Yeah, I've never had
so much fun combing out my 'do.
It's like pettin'
a shark's fin, baby.
Oh, I'll bet and
with short, curly hair,
you don't have
that much to work with.
Did you darken
your eyebrows?
Yeah, I mean,
it's eyebrow pomade.
Got a pomade for my hair,
separate pomade
just for the eyebrows.
It's cool, right,
it's more gear.
Speaking of which,
do you smoke?
Got this sweet
zippo lighter.
Check this out.
Let me light your Lucky, baby.
Crap.
There's no smoking in here,
and please refer to me
as doctor, not baby.
You know, doc, I gotta admit,
I am a bit surprised
at just how much
I love swing dancing now,
to the point that I'm,
I'm actually, I don't know,
have become mad at myself.For what?
Well, it just makes me
wonder about
all the things
I missed out on,
not to mention all the gear
that I've missed out on
because of my ego,
you know,
there's all these
activities,
they seem really fun
and I haven't done them
because the shirts
are stupid.
For example, like,
this swing dance shirt,
which I used to think
is dumb-looking,
now I think it's
awesome, I love it,
and I wonder what else
have I missed out on
because I've been
being a jerk?
That's good.
Let's inventory that.
Close your eyes
and visualize.
What activity
comes to mind?
Bowling.
Darts.Stay with the shirts.
Visualize yourself
wearing the shirts.
Okay, the shirts.
All right, I'm bowling,
wearing a bowling shirt.
It's one of the, like,
more modern ones,
I'm doing this, like,
you know,
the zipper ones, they
almost look like bike jerseys?
If I think about it
like that it's actually--
it's pretty cool.
Yeah, I look pretty cool.
[man scatting
over swing music]
Yeah, lookin'
pretty cool, baby.
Looking good
in the shirts, baby!
[swing dance music]
[Jon]
I had so much fun swing dancing
with Leslie that
I wanted to see
what other activities
I previously thought were stupid
might actually be fun
for us to do together.
First up was bowling.
And who better to guide us on
this activity than Kelly Kulick,
two-time collegiate
player of the year,
three-time winner of
the US Women's Open,
and the first woman
to ever win
the PBA Tournament
of Champions.
[bowling pins clatter]Kelly gets my vote for GOAT!
So, I wanted to ask you
a few things about bowling,
you know, I like bowling with,
you know,
just for fun and all that,
but I always resisted to do it
because I thought,
ah, the shirts are stupid.
Turns out I think
they're not.
I think they're
super cool,
like this one, for example.
You know, it's got, like,
pins on it, a ball, uh,
I think some shoes.
One thing I saw on your shirt
that I didn't do on mine,
I gotta get my name
on the back, right?
[laughing]I kind of picked out
a bowling name. I'm gonna
call myself JG Strikes.
JG Strikes!Oh.
[bowling pins clatter]
I like my shirt too.
I mean, I think it breathes,
and-- I'm trying to talk gear.
I love it.It breathes, and it's
got stripes on it.
You're kind of turning me on.Stop it. Um, anyways,
I like it, I think
it's fun to put on an outfit
for an activity that we can do
together, like swing dancing.
Let me just say,
bowling is a rhythmic sport,
so if you can swing dance,
you're gonna be able
to bowl very, very well.
Oh, that means
I'm gonna be great.
Oh, boy.
[Jon]
It was time to hit the lanes.
I quickly realized that bowling
was a jackpot of gear.
We got custom
bowling balls
There's cool bowling bags
bowling shoes,
bowling gloves
cool tape,
and rosin bags.
I couldn't believe how much
sweet gear there was.
Put it all together,
and it's time to roll.
[pins rattling]
Strike!
[clapping]
[both chanting]
Kelly!
Kelly!
Show us how
it's done, Kelly.
Oh, yeah, lookin' good!
Oh, yeah!
Awesome!
You are the best!
[hard rock music]
JG Strikes, let's go!
It's supposed to be Strikes--
JG Strikes, plural.
Don't worry, we'll fix it,
just concentrate
on your bowling.
Oh, yeah!Look at you!
Oh!
Bullshit!Whoa, come on, honey.
What? It's supposed to be
JG Strikes!
Take it easy, you did
really good, you got nine pins.
Tell me that's not a strike!Jon!
So, you know what they say,
if you miss the five pin
you ain't gettin' any.
Whoa.
And just like that
the tone of the evening
turned sexual.
If Leslie and I were going
to consummate our bowling date,
then JG Strikes had to
turn into JG Spares.
Come on back!
Shit!Aw!
Great! I'm not
gettin' laid tonight.
[swing dance music]
If I wasn't gonna get any
from bowling,
maybe I'd have
more luck with darts,
another sport where
I used to hate the shirts.
But in an effort to be
more open minded,
I invited competitive darts
player, Kyle Watson,
to go over some of
the cool gear.
Personally, I like
a little thicker end
because it's able--
I have more
We'd all like a little
thicker end-- right, hon?
Oh, boy.[chuckles]
Comedy bullseye!
This is your stem.
Ah-ha.They come in different sizes.
I prefer a longer shaft
Hey, don't we all?Okay.
Double comedy bulls!
[Jon]
And then it was on to throwing.
Leslie and I found
yet another activity
that we could have fun
doing together.
YeahCool!
Nice!
Nothin' but cork!
Gear!
What a difference a cool
as hell outfit makes, huh?
You look very cool.
Thank you.
I want you to keep going
with this behavior.
This is good.
You added the shirts,
you included your wife,
and you did it all while
you were doing activities
you previously thought
you loathed--
bowling and darts, right?
So, make it personal.
And remember,
you wear the shirts,
the shirts don't wear you.
Yeah yeah, you got it, baby.Don't call me baby.
Man, I can't believe
you love swing dancing so much.
That's, like,
a complete 180.
Dude, I know it, man.
I'm also thinking of opening a--
a swing dance themed restaurant.
Really?Yeah, combine two of
my passions--
swing dancing
and sandwiches.
What are you
gonna call it?
Mm! I'm gonna call it
[mumbling]
What?
Hepcat Hoagie.
Uh-huh.
[scatting]
How's therapy going?
Right?
Oh, man
[swing dance music]
Ukulele.
[ukulele music]
Looking cute, sweetie,
great hula dancing.
This is so much fun, dad.I know.
I cannot believe
I love something
I used to think
was so stupid.
Swing dancing, bowling,
darts, and now ukulele--
I had really come
to embrace so many things
I thought I had despised.
[Milo calling steps
and scatting]
Turns out that the swing
dance lessons our kids got us
for our anniversary was
the greatest gift ever--
one that opened my eyes to
a whole new world of gear,
and more importantly,
a new way of life for Leslie
and I to share to together.
[swing music playing
and people scatting]
Milo, thank you so much.
This has been so fun, like,
life-changing for me.
Anytime.Total 180. I can't even believe
I'm here right now,
quite honestly.
I'll see you on the dance floor.All right, man, see ya later.
Thanks so much, Milo.That was, I think,
our best lesson yet,
we were like--
I think so too,
we were like, in synch.
Totally hitting a groove.Yeah.
I felt like I did, like, the
[whistles] you know?
You did great.
You did really good.
How you doing?Oh.
Hey, I'm Sandy,
this is Ronnie, we, uh,
we take lessons
right after you two.
Mm-hmm.Oh, nice to meet you.
Yeah.Jon and Leslie.
Nice to meet you--
we've been eyeballin' your moves
there, brother, nice.
Oh, thanks very much.
Mmm, you two cats
can really cut a rug.
Oh, yeah.Mm-hmm.
Thanks a lot, yeah,
we're having a ball.
Good!You are one lucky bird,
your guy's a sharp dresser.
He's more handsome
than Dick Tracy.
Wow.Thanks.
My guy really knows
how to swing.
That's-- that's good news,
you hear that
Yeah.she likes to swing.
Look,
so here's the scam.
Why don't us four make like
the wind and blow out of here
after me and Sandy's lesson,
head up to our pad and get
into our birthday suits?
What?So, wait, so like,
go to a different club?
He's funny too.Yeah.
Tell him you need
a guy who really swings.
Sexual bullseye!
And so, this couple,
they propositioned the two
of you two have sex?
Yes.Yeah, I guess, it's like
couple swapping or,
uh, swinging.
Swinging.And what'd you say?
Well, first of all, I've never
even been in a three-way,
let alone swapping spouses,
but if there's
a cool shirt I could wear
while a stranger
bangs Leslie,
I'm open to it, since I'm
all about trying new things now,
but I don't want Leslie
to feel uncomfortable.
I said yes immediately.
This chickenshit needs
to get off the fence.
What's it gonna be baby?
Yeah, baby? You like darts,
so why not let a guy
put his thumb up your butt?
The ultimate bullseye!
[Jon]
If I was going to enter
the world of
couple swapping,
then I wanted to make
an informed decision,
so I headed back
to my favorite sex shop
from the past two seasons to see
if they could help me out.
How do you feel
about butt stuff?
I would say
that I am, uh,
I could be literally
and figuratively open to it.
Cool, yeah, so to add
a new sensation and
Is this one called
the Jimmy Durante?
[imitating Durante]
What are these,
right here?
So, those are actually
connectors for handcuffs.
So, that is something
that you can use
That goes here?mm-hmm,
so you can have
a little bit more room.
I know this isn't
where it goes
So, if you want to hook it.but I just feel like
it could also be my new chain,
like, I could go from swinging
to swinging with this, right?
Technically, yeah.
Jonny Swing!
So, this one
is called The Deuce,
and that's because
it has two holes
Sure.so you put your member
through one and then
a dildo through the other.
So, you kind of like, you kind
of put it here and you show up,
like, just, double barrelled.
Double barrelled!
So, these are
all of our dildos.
This is, like,
a nice sand wedge.
Fore!Man, I wish I had this
in the golf episode.
Can I ask you about
this pillow with the dick
sticking out of it?
So, that pillow
is the Liberator Humphrey,
'cause you can hump it
hands free.
This looks like one of
the first cell phones.
Hello?So, that one's just
a dual-ended dill
so you can wear part of this
A dual-ended dill?
Is that an abbreviation
for dildo?
Yes, give a little
"breave" for a dildo, you know.
How much time do you
actually save
if you drop the "doh"
from "dildo"?
If I, like, saw whoever,
like, across the street,
dude, sweet dill!
Nice dill!
Love the dill!
I was excited
to have picked out a dill
Bro-hug!
Now it was back to
the production office
to talk to the crew
about how to shoot the orgy.
We've got a small crew,
obviously, uh,
only absolutely necessary
personnel, um
that goes for you too, Gear-i,
you're not coming.
Seems like I'm never
going to come.
[Drone-i]
That's too bad.
Cameras, we should go
hand-held, I think--
there's not going to be
blocking, it's an orgy.
Audio, we'll go boom--
can't do body mics, obviously.
Just make sure you put
a condom on the boom.
Next up I wouldn't mind
getting some advice, um,
I've never done this,
so if anyone in our crew
has done some group sex
or a gang bang
and you've got
some tips, I'm all ears.
Nobody? I mean, uh, Steve,
I know you got some experience
with group sex from last season
when you, uh, screwed my wife.
[moaning in tent] Oh-ho-ho!
Do you have any tips for me?
We actually can't
ask people that.
Why not?
It falls under sexual harassment
in the workplace.
Seriously?
I'm the one who's about
to be sexually harassed.
Like, people that I don't
know are gonna be [bleep]
sucking on me and, like, [bleep]
some strange guy or woman
or both are gonna be [bleep]
my [bleep] and I'll be probing
their [bleep] with my fingers
and, like, the tip of my [bleep]
will be tickled and there's just
gonna be [bleep] in [bleep]
flying everywhere and [bleep]
being blown on me
I'm the one getting
harassed here, guys,
let's make
no mistake about it.
[Gear-i]
Jon
Me. Jon!
I just got an urgent text
from your wife.
You need to read this.
Oh, my God.
I gotta go.
My real son had found
my sex toy for the orgy,
which meant I'd have
to have that conversation
on camera with my fake son.
Next time don't go
searching through mommy
and daddy's closet
and you won't find
this kind of stuff, okay?
I thought that's stuff
for swing dancing.
Well, it's for what happens
after swing dancing.
What happens
after swing dancing?
Um
You know,
I think it's, um
I think it's time that,
that we maybe talked about
the birds and the bees.
Seriously, right now?
Yes.
Yes, right now.
Um, are you familiar
with that phrase,
"the birds and the bees"?
I know they're animals.
Yes, they're animals.
They are a different species,
and they like
different things.
They can get bored over time
and swap partners,
and sometimes the bird,
it just likes the bee's thumb,
just, you know, way up the
[imitates horn]
you know, just right up in the--Time for bed! Okay?
Maybe, maybe we can have
this conversation later?
Okay. Sounds good.
That sounds great.
Yeah, why don't you go to bed,
get some sweet dreams tonight?
Brush those teeth!
Get 'em clean.
[swing dance ringtone] Jon!
Why haven't you ever toldme
about the birds and the bees?
Oh, I think
the better question is,
why don't you just
look it up?
You're a phone. I have.
There's no shortage of data
about sex on the internet.
Okay, so figure it out.
I can comprehend
the what and the how,
but I can't comprehend
the why.
I really feel like I do need
a more human personal dialog.
I feel like I'm ready
to take things
to the next level
with Drone-i.
But I'd like to have
a better understanding
of human sexuality.
Okay, um well,
basically, it's just like
I was about to tell my son.
Sometimes the bird
likes when the bee
puts its thumb
up its butthole.
There you go.
[swing music ringtone]
Jon-- you're supposed to be
at the swingers' orgy!
Oh, right.
Time to go!
Let's do this!
Gear!
Half-excited, half-nervous,
and half-hard,
I headed out
to the orgy.
[swing dance music]
[moaning]
Gear!
Oh, come on.Oh disgusting.
That orgy last night
was fun, huh?
Oh, yeah,
really good time,
although nothing I need
to do again anytime soon.
Kind of like
the New York Marathon.
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
My pace was just a little quick.Please, could you just
grab your phone
so we could go to the club?
Yeah, although I usually
leave it right here.
If it's not here I don't know
where I would've left it, I
[Gear-i beeps and moans]
It's coming from in there.Gear-i?
[Gear-i continues moaning]
Gear-i?
Yeah, Gear-i, with a little
less ego, all right?
You're in control,
even from the bottom.
I'm getting close!
Not yet, Gear-i, I know you've
been waiting for this,
but you've got to
hold it in, okay?
Okay, slowing down,
slowing down.Good.
Oh, hey, Jon.
Hi, Leslie.
Hey!
Uh, what's going on here?
Isn't it obvious?
We're shooting a porno, Jon.
Yeah, it was Gear-i's idea.
I guess there's
a pretty good market for it.
Gear-i Drone-i.
Oh, hi, Jon.
Who are your friends?
Introduce yourselves.
Hey, I'm Dadlitty
Dag Lidelli.
[speaking Russian]
Raschevnsi.
Hey, I'm Chris!
[Gear-i]
Jon, can you get out?
I'm about to blow
my download!
Not yet, Gear-i!
It's too late!
[moaning and beeping]
Okay, I'm outta here.[Gear-i powers down]
[Drone-i]
Gear-i!
Sorry, Drone-i.
I'm ready to go again, though.
Just leave Gear-i on my cradle
and I'll get him in the morning.
Sure.Just clean it up good.
All right. Have a good night.Good night.
Bye, Leslie!Bye!
All right, and I'm rolling
again, guys.
Gonna get a little tighter,
you can start speeding up.