Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e09 Episode Script


Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear"
'Cause it's rocks
on ice-- get it?

Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear"
I wanted to try
a non-traditional activity
that has some really cool,
weirder gear.
One sport that fits
that bill perfectly
and gave me a good excuse
to expand my gear collection,
is curling.
You probably recognize curling
as that sport where someone
slides a big rock on ice
while others sweep
the ice with brooms.
Well, today I'm meeting with
Dean Roth and Maria Eswine
at Brooklyn Lakeside
Curling Club
to try curling
for the first time ever.
First of all, I to just
talk about the gear
before we get into it.
Okay.I kind of feel that I nailed it.
Gear!Got some good curling gloves.
Good gloves.I got these curling pants
that I think are pretty cool.
Great pants.Thank you.
I kind of made a custom USA
curling jacket as a tip of the--
tip of the cap
to the USA men's team
that brought home the gold
at the Olympics.
[deep voice]
Congratulations, America.
[eagle screeches]
Gear!This is, I guess, I guess,
a sliding thing
for the knee, right?
That's for people who are gonna
be, uh, just starting out
and may not be able to keep
their knee off the ice.
So it's a beginner's thing.It's a beginner's thing.
Well, it looks cool.
Beginner's cool.
Gear!And then, of course,
I've got some really sweet
curling shoes.
I got two brooms in here-- Gear!
I love the logo,
'cause look at that--
it's a curling stick,
for the "O".
Sweet logo.
And then I brought my own stone,
if that's cool.
The stones are
44 pounds of granite,
and if they're at room
they'll pretty much stick if you
try to throw them on the ice.
So next time I do this, 'cause
I know I'm gonna love this
and be good at it,
just gotta have cold stones.
Cold stones.
And then Mick Jagger and Keith
Richards, when they're dead,
they're gonna be
some cold stones.
Cold Stones.
Well, let's, uh
Let's curl!
I was excited
to start the lesson.
We stuck some GoPros on
the brooms for some cool shots.
[hard rock music]
And then it was
on to some curling.
Get it!
Yeah, yeah!
Nice shot.Whoo! Whoo!
We got in the house!Yeah.
In the [bleep] house!
Johnny Cold Stones.
That's it!
I think we got it,
I think we got it.
All right.
Holy crap, Jon!
Back-- gear!
That's a good guard
Jon! Good job, dude!That's how you curl!
USA bringing home the gold!
America wins again.
[eagle screeches]
For a first-timer,
I killed it at curling.
I gave Dean and Maria
my USA jacket
as a thank you
for the great lesson.
Okay, so as you know,
I can't bring cameras
inside my house,
so I'm gonna
duck in real quick,
drop off my curling gear,
change, and head back
to the production office
and sign up for some more
curling lessons.
Hey, what's going on
out here?
Hey, sweetie, um we're
not bringing the cameras in,
I'm just dropping off
my curling stuff and, uh,
then I'm gonna go
to the office, so
Oh, well, it's cold
out here, you guys.
Why don't you come on in?
Actually, I've got a nice,
little surprise for you,
and it'd be kind of fun
for the crew to document it
for your show.
And you can even
unblur my face.
[bell dings]Seriously?
Hi, Smokey.Hi, Leslie, nice to see you.
All right, yeah.
Sounds good.
Come on in.Can't wait to see
what this is all about.
What is goin' on here?
Is it, is it Christmas
or Hanukah?
No, what month
is this right now?
Is it--
is it my birthday?
So, what's the occasion?Nothin'.
I just love my husband
and I wanted to do
something nice for him.
Sweetie, you're the best.Go ahead, open them.
Oh, man, this is
so exciting.
Whoa! Yes!
Oh, my God,
rock climbing shoes.
These are awesome!
Really?Yes, I always wanted to get
a pair of these.
Let's keep going,
keep going, keep going.
Yes! A fishing vest!
Gear!Look at all these pockets.
There's so many more
to go through.
Motorcycle boots yes! Gear!
Oh, my God, yes.
Roll out my quadsYeah.
Especially I could've
used this after the marathon.
Ran the 'Thon!
Oh, my God, to take
your eggs camping!
Yeah! For all the times
we go camping.
Oh! Yeah! Wow!
Oh! Yeah! Yeah!
Do the logo?
More carabiners-- yes!
Oh, look at that!Whoo!
Oh, my God-- It's a solar light
on the bottle.
on the side of your helmet.Oh.
You can see behind you.
A field hockey stick--
these are so cool.Keep going.
Taekwondo! Yah!
This [bleep]
is cool as hell!
I know what this is!
Grind it, dude!
Yes! It's a ring-toss game--
where are the rings?
Honestly, you can't have
too many bags.
Pool noodles!
These are good to have if
we ever go to someone's pool
'cause I feel like it's better
to bring your own pool noodles.
Right.Oh, my God, I'm just like
tired from opening
This is beyond
nice of you to do.
I mean, you're letting
the cameras back in
and you're,
you're unblurring your face.
What's going on? Like,
why why'd you do this?
Why'd you buy me
all this stuff?
Oh I didn't buy
any of this stuff.
This is all stuff
that you bought,
and it's been
used maybe once,
maybe twice
you've used it.
Many times you've never
touched any of this stuff.
And you know
where it goes?
It goes into our house,
and it goes into storage
and it goes
into closets, right?
And now now you want
to try curling?
You want to add
more stuff
for something
that you're not
even going to follow
through with--
and you know you're not
going to follow through
with this "curling".
And where is that rock
supposed to go?
I don't know.
And also, it's not a rock,
it's called a stone,
and there's only,
there's only two quarries
in the whole world where
they get the granite
Get out!
Get out! Everybody
I can't take it
anymore, get out!
Everybody out!
Get out of the house,
take all the stuff out.
Smokey, I'm sorry,
nice to see you again.You too, no problem.
Get out--
everybody out!
And blur my face again.[buzzer]
Don't forget your $2,000
acoustic bass guitar
that you never even
bothered to learn how to play.
If you get help maybe
I'll let you come back
into the house,
all right?
I couldn't believe
my wife would kick me
out of the house.
I had no idea where to go,
and I couldn't leave
my gear on the street,
I had to take it with me.
But could I carry
all my gear at once?
My only hope was to wear
my gear, every last piece.
And finally, I was able
to do just that.
So I hit the streets
with all my gear.
I had no place
to call home.
Tell me I don't
use my gear.
I use my gear plenty!
So what if I use it once?
So what?
Tell me I won't
learn to play this bass.
I jam on this bass.
Maybe my wife was right.
Maybe something iswrong
with me and I am a hoarder.
No, she's wrong--
I just love gear.
I love all the gear I've ever
bought, and loving gear is,
in and of itself,
it's own activity.
It's own activity.
Gear'n Gear-en
Gearing, gearing--
Gearing! I couldn't
believe the concept
had never occurred
to me before.
Gear-i, look up
the word "gearing".
I'm looking for the act of
wearing all your gear at once.
I'm not seeing that
definition anywhere.
Well, that's bullshit!
Come on, Gear-i!
Let's go right this wrong!
With the epiphany about gearing,
I had discovered
a new life purpose.
But to make gearing legit
I would need
to get it
into the dictionary.
So I met with Katherine Martin
from Oxford Dictionary
to find out how to
make that happen.
Can I try to get
a new definition
for the word "gearing"
into the dictionary?
What is the new meaning
that you are proposing?
Gearing is the act of wearing
and enjoying
one's gear all at once.
I'm certain that that is not
covered in the dictionary.
You would have to convince
lots of other people
to use the word
so that it becomes--
this becomes the real
meaning of gearing.
There needs to be
a decent chance
that someone could say
they were gearing
and another person
would understand
what they meant by it.
Get ready, gearing,
because your definition
is about to get
I had to make gearing
widely known
before I could get it
into the dictionary,
so I set up a booth
on one of New York's
busiest street corners
and started spreading
the word.
Hi, there, would you
like to talk about gearing?
Hi, there, would you like
to ask me about gearing?
Hi, got a sec to talk
about gearing?
It was tough going at first,
but soon people took notice.
What's gearing?What's gearing?
What is gearing?Gearing is the act of wearing
all of your gear at once,
and just enjoying it.
It turned out a lot of people
were already gearing,
even though they
didn't realize it.
It can be 100 things
like me,
it can be 20 things,
it can be five things.
I got a lot of gear.I could tell, you look
like a gearhead.
You got your backpack, you got
your sweet lookin' watch--
a pocket square,
it's all gear.
So I'm gearing right now.You're for sure gearing.
I was feeling great
about how it went,
so I hit the streets and grabbed
a quick cup of joe
before hopping into a cab to go
pick up my daughter from school.
How was school?Good.
Yeah? That's good.
Are you gonna ask me how
"gearing" was today?
No! And I don't
understand what it is!
Sweetie, daddy's told you
so many times.
Gearing is when
someone who loves gear
takes all their gear and they
wear all that gear all at once.
If you say so.
I knew my family
would come around
if they could just
understand gearing,
so I invited my wife
to dinner to tell her
about the important work
I'd been doing.
Thank you very much and,
uh, can I interest you
in a brochure, uh,
for gearing?
Kind of explains
everything I'm doing here.
You sure?
Here, I'll leave it here
with the tip.
It'll be right here
if you need it.
Can I tell you, I love
eating with goalie gloves.
Jon, I think I pushed you
too hard,
making you throw out
all your gear and now,
this is happening.
Sweetie, do not feel bad
about that, okay?
If you hadn't done that, I never
would've gotten to gearing.
When gearing takes off
and it becomes
this worldwide phenomenon
and people all across
the globe start gearing
and they start posting their
gearing videos to YouTube,
and I start doing TED talks
all about gearing
and they'll be like,
"How did you start gearing?
"Where did gearing come from?
How'd you think of it?"
I will absolutely
acknowledge every time
that it was
because of you.
Kind of like
the same concept
of behind every great gear
is a great woman.
I want you to come
back home.
I want the cameras
to come back in the house.
And I'll unblur my face.
Are you serious?
If this is who you are,
then I need to support you.
I mean, I'm stunned,
Thank you-- come here,
this is this is so great.
Sweetie, the harmonica's
in the way.
Yes. Oh, good morning,
Is this not the best?
This is what I wanted
the show to be--
just coming
downstairs in the morning,
the cameras are in
my real house,
they're filming me and my
real family and my real wife,
with her beautiful face
Isn't this fun?
It's not as bad
as I thought it would be.
No, it's great.
Guess we don't need the fake
family anymore, right?
Home sweet home.Yeah, well, I'm just gonna go
gearing, if that's cool.
Have fun.
Oxford dictionary,
here I come! Whoo!
Hey, uh
You see my gearing pack?
Yeah, it's outside.
Oh, does it stink?
Good call, air it out.
Yeah, the same thing happened
with my hockey stuff.
That stuff gets, like,
No! Hey! Wait!
Oh, my God! Wait!
Hey, stop, stop, please!
Oh, my God!
No! Oh, my God.
Oh, no! No!
Oh, shit!
Oh, no, please, stop it!
Why would you do this?
You need help, Jon.
So, that's how you help me?
You-- you throw away
my gearing outfit?
Yes! What else
was I supposed to do?
Jon-- oh, my gosh, I knew you
wouldn't go to therapy, okay?
And then I was like,
what do I do?
I'll get your outfit
that I can bring you
back home with, okay?
And you know what?
Blur my face again, all right?
[buzzer]Hold on a second.
Whatever happened to
"with this gear, I thee wed"?
With this gear,
I thee wed.
That's your language, Jon,
not Leslie's.
What's going on here?
Why is our therapist here?
I'm here
to help you, Jon.
Me too.
We're all here
to help you, Jon.
You need help, Jon.
What's going on here?
We're having
a gear-tervention.
A gear-tervention?
That's not even
in the dictionary!
Leslie called me
and I helped her
organize it.
We're your friends.
Let us help you.
I don't need help.
I don't need anybody!
Jon, wait!No, no, let him go, let him go.
We just need to let things
run their course.
I'm not back, okay?
It's cold out.
I want to change out of
my slippers and into my boots.
I'm going to take
my gear hat.
And I'm taking this because it
provides extra warmth.
We know what ponchos do, Jon.Oh, yeah?
Well, this one's from the New
York City Marathon!
Ran the 'Thon!
They don't just give these
away-- you have to earn it!
Yeah, I know, I got one
last year when I ran.
Also ran the 'Thon!
Then you know
how warm it is!
Yeah, I do.
With these super cool pockets
on the side,
I'll be really warm outside
when I'm in the cold,
and I could be
out there as long as I want,
which is gonna be
a long time!
Marathon runner,
running away!
I can't believe all my friends
and family would betray me
like that, Gear-i.
And calling it
a "gear-tervention"?
Give me a break.
If I wasn't so mad
maybe I would've found
it was a cool name, but I'm
really pissed off,
I think it's stupid.
I don't know, Jon.
I think everyone
is just trying to help.
If they were trying
to help me, Gear-i,
they would've just
gotten me more gear.
Or whatever, no big deal
'cause now I got this
really cool excuse
just to get
more sweet gear.
I'm sorry, sir,
your card's been declined.
No, that's wrong,
try it again.
I tried it three times.
Please just give me
one sec, please.
Sure.All right, thank you.
Gear-i, would you
call my wife, please?
Yes, Jon.
[call ringing through] Hello?
Hey, what's up, babe?
I'm at Paragon and I'm getting
us all some new gear,
and they said
my card was declined.
You know what's
going on with that?
Of course it was.
Do you think I'm stupid enough
to not cancel our cards
so you can't buy more crap?
You cancelled my card? Yeah, Jon.
You can't do that![dial tone]
You guys do payment plans?No.
I'm sorry, we don't do
payment plans.
Can I trade you my, my running
poncho for all this stuff?
We have to use
the credit card.
Please, just this one time,
please, please!
Could you just come here
for a second, please?
You know IMDB?Yeah.
That's me.Um
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear".
I'm Jon Glaser,
that's the gear.
TruTV will reimburse you
for everything times two.
I need this gear!
I'm sorry, not today.Oh, God!
Oh, God.
Everywhere I went
I saw gear.
But I couldn't have it,
not even a little taste.
I had to do something.
Everyone else could
have gear, why not me?
I wanted gear,
I needed gear,
and I would do anything
to get some gear.
Hey, man, I like your coat.Thanks, man.
It's cool, man.Thanks.
Is that flannel?It's wool.
It's wool?Wool, yeah.
Oh, I got one like that,
but mine has a different collar.
You see, like, the fur ones?
You know what I'm talking about,
where, like,
the collar part's fur?Yeah, yeah.
I like the pockets on that.Thanks, man.
Does it have
a pocket right here?
Yeah, dude.Look at this, look at
this pocket.
Yeah, manOh, sorry,
I just wanted
to try the pocket.
Yeah, it's cool.I like, I like
a hand pocket, yeah.
Hey, man,
I'll hook you up.
I'll suck your [bleep] if you
let me try it on me?
Seriously?Please? Please?
It's cool, man-- no, no, no, no,
I'm just checking out,
I'm just
checking out the bag.
Is that your bag?It's not my bag
but I'm just looking at it.
You see it's got
a little bag on the side?
You see it's got a little bag?All right!
Please, let me
look at his gear!
Stop moving!Just let me look at his--
where's the gear?
I want to see it!
Stop resisting.All I want to do
is look at gear-- why can't
you let me do that?
That's all I
You see that bag?
It's cool, right?
Look at how cool that is?Real cool.
You see there's a little bag
on the big bag!
And the little bag
comes off!
You could take
the little bag off.
You guys got cool gear.
Is that a bodycam?
Cool shots!
[hard rock music]
[gates rattling]
Pretty cool gear, right?
My hat-- how sweet
is this thing?
This is, like,
totally my style.
Whenever I get out of here I'm
gonna ask if I could keep it.
Ooh, check this out, man.
Some of the guys in here,
they showed me how to make
a shiv out of my toothbrush--
check that out.
Isn't that cool?
So, what, my own wife
didn't want to come
visit her hubsy in lockup?
Is that it?
She's still upset, Jon.
I mean,
I can't blame her.
Part of her didn't even
want to post bail.
She thinks that maybe
you staying in here
for a little while
might do some good,
and I can't disagree.
But the fact of
the matter is,
is you'll probably
get killed within a week.
Maybe even if you were tough
enough to hold your own in here,
which you're not, and it's
not even close,
don't even think about it--
I ran the marathon, Steve.
Ran the 'Thon!
It's not even close.
It's funny
when you think about
how this season has unfolded,
you know?
Like, started off,
you were trying to survive
out in the woods,
now here's me, trying to
survive in prison.
It's pre-- it's pretty funny,
isn't it?
Look, Jon
Leslie'll take you back.
If I go back to her and tell
her you're a changed man,
which I will, but you
have to convince me first.
Spurt, I promise,
I will never, ever
bring home extra gear
that I do not need--
only if it is absolutely
just super cool
and if I can find a place for it
and if I can't find a place,
I'll take something out
and I'll put that in, right?
All right, all right.
No, no more gear.
No extra gear, no more gear.
I-- I'm good.
Just get me out
of here, man, please?
I'll suck your [bleep], man.
You screw up one more time
you're on your own.
I promise, I-- I'm gear--
I'm good.
And no more marathon talk.
No more 'Thon.
Okay, okay.
I'll see you soon.All right.
I did run it,
it's impressive.
[no sound]
So, it's been a week.
How are things at home?
It's been a little strange.
Jon hasn't been his usual
manipulative, annoying self
that I fell in love with.
Don't get me wrong,
I mean,
neither is the guy
who hoarded gear,
but I at least loved
that Jon's passion for life,
which I now realize was
just a passion for gear,
but I loved
that exuberance.
It was never my intention
that Jon would miss his gear
so much that he would end up
on the streets offering
to suck a stranger's [bleep]
and stealing a backpack.
So, is there anything you'd
like to say to him now?
You had mentioned to me
there was something
you wanted to give him.
Jon, I'm not saying
that you can go out
and buy a bunch of
new gear--
that has to be done
in moderation, but
I can't believe I'm going
to say this,
I want the old Jon back.
I want the Jon
that loves gear back.
And I-- I, um,
and I promise you
this is not a prank
like last time, but

Gear!A jai alai cesta.
Sweetie, thank you so much.
Jon, come on,
we're gonna be late.
Just grabbing my helmet,
hold on.
All right, Broadway
here we come.
Ready for a night
on the town.
Someone call GQ, right?
Are you really
gonna wear that?
We're going to see
a Broadway show.
Please, Jon,
don't make me regret
letting the cameras
come back in.
All right, there is nothing
on the theater's website
that says no jai alai
Why would there be?Regardless,
I think I look totally
acceptable for a theater.
My shirt is tucked in,
I have a very elegant sash,
I have white shoes-- I think
I look very presentable.
I'm talking about
that thing on your hand.
Why do you even need
to wear it?
Because it's part of
the outfit, that's why,
and it's not a thing,
it is a cesta,
and you should know that
because you're the one
who bought it for me.
Okay, come on,
let's just go.
How much do you want to bet
that I don't look
like the biggest idiot
at the theater tonight?
A million billion dollars.
Whatever, fine, let's just go.Okay.
I'll get the door
because I am a gentleman.
Allow me.
Come on, Jon,
we're gonna be late.
I got-- I practiced
this morning
and I got it on
the first try, just
Okay, Jon, I'm sorry,
I can't wait any longer,
let's go, come on.
All right,
just give me a sec,
I want to turn
the alarm on, okay?
Aren't you gonna
wear a jacket?
No, I want people to see
the whole outfit.Ugh.
Oh, shit, I set off the alarm![alarm blaring]
What's the disarm code?My birthday!
August 13th?Seriously?
Ah, shit.
The police'll come
and turn it off.
Let's go!
Oh, [bleep].
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