Jon Glaser Loves Gear (2016) s02e10 Episode Script


[retching and spitting]
Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" skydiving.

Honestly, I am shocked.
You seem like such a massive
coward in general,
but you're really gonna jump out
of an airplane-- wow.
I mean, that's great.
Yeah, I mean,
I think I can do it.
Probably, probably.
Yes, I'm going to jump
out of a plane, for sure.
Good.But then again, maybe not.
But that's the whole point
of the episode--
will he or won't he?
We keep the audience
in suspense, right?
But I'm gonna jump
out of a plane, right?
Because if I don't, obviously,
that's a big [bleep]
with the audience,
so I will jump
but then again,
maybe not.
But maybe I will.
But maybe I won't.
But I agree that
we can't actually shoot
a skydiving episode
if you don't actually
jump out of a plane, so
Totally agree,
same page, okay?
I'm 100 percent yes gonna jump.Good.
That said,
is there anything
on the network side where--
whether it's legal,
insurance, whatever--
where you guys
would tell us,
"No way-- you cannot do
a skydiving episode"?
Not at all.
Are you sure?Oh, yeah.
We are onboard
with this 110 percent.
All right.
I was hoping you might say
there was something
and we're off the hook and
that was our easy out
and maybe we take the money
from skydiving and we put it
towards a trail running finale,
and we're just were able
to fly the whole crew
to a location
that's super cool,
get this majestic
drone footage of me, like,
in a kick-ass
trail running outfit
with the mountains behind me
or something like that,
I mean, how sweet
would that be?
Not as sweet as you
jumping out of an airplane.
[imitates parachute opening][Jon screams]
Jon, you can do this.
It's all mental.
It's like running the marathon,
you did that.
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
Yeah, but I wasn't
running 26.2 miles
while falling
out of an airplane.
How cool would that be? Super cool.
You're super cool.You are.
God, I want your body.Jon, this was your idea.
You told the network.
"Jon Glaser
jumps from an airplane!"
Yeah, fine, but what if this is
the one in a millionth time
that something goes wrong?
Like, the lines tangle,
or I throw up and it gets all
over the instructor's goggles,
and he can't see and by
the time he gets it off,
we're too low, it's too late
to pull the chute--
[blows raspberry]
What if I throw up right when
he's going, "You got this, Jon!"
And it goes up the throat,
goes in his mouth on,
"You got this, Jon!"
And then he chokes on my vomit
and he dies, and then
I'm strapped to a dead man,
and we are just,
like, freefall
[blows raspberry]
Or I throw up
and it goes in his mouth
and he has immediate diarrhea,
and the diarrhea's like,
everywhere, and he pulls
the chute
and it's just covered in
diarrhea and it doesn't work?
We're dead. Splattered.
Right in front of my family--
they're all there, and my kids
are, like, "Oh, my God!"
And they come running over,
they're trying to pick me up
and, like, "Daddy!"
And it's just, like, mush,
and they're, like, "Oh, God!"
And then they can't
eat oatmeal ever again
'cause they just
think of me.
Like, "Oh, that's daddy!
Aw, I can't eat this
'cause it's daddy!"
Jon--"It's daddy!"
You will never be more
in the moment in life
than during that
freefall, ever.
Don't you want
to experience that?
Maybe Spurt was right,
but I was a long way off from
jumping out of an airplane,
so I turned to
the pros at iFly to see
if they could help me bridge
the gap from ground to sky.

Before I actually
jumped out of a plane,
I was curious what kind of
air speed I'd be dealing with
at the indoor facility.
How fast can you get it going?
What's the top speed?
Right now our top speed
is about 160 miles an hour.
Am I gonna wear, like,
an adult diaper in case I just,
you know, totally just
Except for
an adult diaper,
I changed into some
pretty sweet gear,
and then slowly
entered the tube.
At first, I didn't like
all the wind in my face.
But once I learned to control
my body a little better,
it ended up being
pretty cool
especially when Rob
took me up for a spin!

Things were going well,
right up until the point
where I-- [retching]
With a fake jump
under my belt,
I met up with John Kieran
from Skydive The Ranch
to get a consultation on
what it was going to feel like
to do a tandem jump
strapped to another person.
And it pays to have
a little dick.
John is an experienced
with over 13,000 jumps
to his name,
which had me and Spurt
pretty psyched up.
So, come right here
in front of me.
So they have
two hooks on top
Now, I'm just gonna throw
something out there.
Okay.I'm gonna throw something
out there.
Yeah.I'm sure-- I'm guessing I'm not
the first person
to mention this,
I just feel like I want to
address every point here,
and I'm-- so I'm just
gonna say this.
So, I'm gonna hook up
these bottom ones here.
Take these hooks
make it hooked to me.[Bleep] of my God.
Here's where we actually get
to know each other a little bit.
Mm-hmm?So yeah, sit down
in the harness.
You could pick your feet up.
[vocalizing circus music]
So, where you feeling
that, though?
It's actually not bad at all.Okay.
These are padded, and I feel it
mostly right there.
All right, so-- see?Just straighten out
a little bit.Yeah.
In the door, ready
Next, John explained the jump
sequence from a fuselage.
That's-- we just jumped
out of a plane, right?Yeah.
And while I still wasn't ready
to take the actual plunge,
I did find myself
easing up a little bit
as Spurt and I checked out
the pro shop
and all the cool
skydiving gear.
Can I try one of these on?You can try that one on.
Just for fun?Hell, yeah.
Chute one fail!
Chute two fail!
You okay up there, Jon?
Oh, Jon's dead!
Knife-- cut 'em both loose
[vocalizing wind]
Book-- did it!
As I quietly visualized
the freefall from the heavens
to the earth,
the cold, hard reality
of one of history's most
famous quotes hit me
with all the force of the human
body reaching terminal velocity.
Turns out that the only thing
we have to fear truly is
Can't wait to jump!
Whoo! Oh, yeah!
Nothing's gonna happen,
I'm gonna be fine, but,
if something goes wrong
and I do die
in the jump
Oh, my God.and I know it's weird
to say it-- it's possible,
it might happen--
I doubt it will,
but if it happens,
I want you guys to bury me
in one of these bio-urns.
This thing is really cool.
I think the way these work is
I think you cremate the body
and you put the ashes in here
and you seal it
and you put it in the ground
and it grows into a tree.
How beautiful is that?
And then down the road,
when a tree growsHe's gonna be fine.
you could be like,
and you could actually
physically hug the tree,
and then it's like you're
hugging me, right?
Although, you know what,
honestly, if I do die,
this isn't even an option
because I'm gonna be
ground beef and you guys
should just dig a hole
next to me and just like,
get a broom or a squeegee and
just, like-- [clicks tongue]
shove me in the hole and bury me
and do the funeral right there.
Okay, Jon, wrap it up.Anyway, guys,
don't worry, I'm gonna be
fine in the jump.
Very re-assuring, Jon.
[man on PA]
You are about to jump in five,
four three, two,
one, go time.
[bell dings,
Jon screams]
Oh God!
Oh I don't like this!
Oh God! Weird!
Oh I don't like this!
I don't want to do it, no.
Did you pull the chute?I don't know, man.
I couldn't handle it.
That, uh, that was quick,
that didn't go well, huh?
Yikes. Don't be so hard on
yourself, Jon.
Yes, you looked pathetic,
lying on the floor,
screaming just now.
I'll bet. But I am 100 percent certain
that you would may be
up to the task
when you actually jump.
Yeah, I don't know, that was--
that was scary.
[men clucking]
What's the matter,
Scared to jump
out of an airplane?
What is this?
What's going on?
Thanks a lot.
Thanks, Steve.
Big help, big help, yeah.
[clucking continues]
Uh, just drive, please?
Oh, you know,
stop, stop.
Let me out.[clucking continues]
[Bleeps]. My God.
Gear-i, cancel
this order, please.
Cancelling Chicken[bleep].
[phone beeping alerts]
We're done, we're done,
we're done.
Order's done.Oh, okay.
Oh, man! Whoa!
That was awesome.
Hey, good luck with that--
that's kind of crazy
what you're gonna do.
Yeah-- jumping out of
a plane?
I could never do that.Thank you.
Crazy.Thank you.
Later, man.Uh, you want to go get a beer?
No, I can't,
I gotta go walk my dog.
Maybe later?You're gonna text me?
Yeah, I'll text you.All right, bye.
See ya.Bye.
I hated to admit it,
but the chicken[bleep]
were right.
I needed to start confronting
some major fears head-on
if I were really going
to jump out of an airplane,
so I headed to the Trapeze
School of New York
in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Their motto is, "Forget fear,
worry about the addiction."
I was more worried about getting
addicted to shitting my pants.
I revealed my sweet, new outfit
to my jump instructors,
got a quick lesson Hal and his
mesmerizing golden eyes
Now look up at the bar.
Tuck into a ball.
Oh, I love to tuck.
And then it was
time to climb.
[hard rock music]
I went over Hal's
instructions in my head.
The first set of safety lines
are gonna be your
responsibility to put on.
Reach into the little bucket,
put some chalk on your hands.
It's to keep your hands dry
so you don't slip off the bar.
Climb all the way up
and wait for Annie
to tell you what to do.
As I slowly climbed
the ladder of terror,
it hit me that if I couldn't
jump from 25 feet,
there was no way I was going
to do it from over 13,000.
Ten bucks says
he shits his pants.
I heard that,
Gear-i, shut up.
Hey, awesome.
Welcome-- you made it
to the bar.
Thank you.Come around to my side.
All right.Yeah, you're gonna turn and face
this little black ladder--
stay just like that.
Okay.And we're gonna get into
a great take-off position.
Sounds good.All right.
So, I'm holding on to your belt,
I have you strongly.
I'd like you to take
this hand
and place it
palm up under there.
Toes to the edge
Yeah, both feet.
You got me, right?Uh-huh, I got you right here.
[Jon laughing]Reach high.
Lean out into my arm.
Awesome, stay just like that.
Grab that trapeze bar.
Now, the plan is that I swing
out, and then Mario catches me.
This seemed like
great practice
in case I slipped out of
the harness on my skydive
and my instructor
had to catch me.
Sounded scary,
but I wanted my kids
to be able to eat oatmeal
without thinking
of their dead dad,
so I had to give it a try.
Here come your
calls from Mario.
[hard rock music]
Hey!Bend your knees!
Legs up, look at the bar,
go under the bar.
Hands off there, hands off,
hands off, look back.
Good job.Thanks.
Have a seat.[Jon exhales]
[cheering and applause]
Yeah, that's right,
I [bleep] did that.
That wasn't a stuntman,
that was Jonny G!
Well, all right!
And after successfully doing
a tandem jump on the trapeze,
I thought maybe, maybe I could
do it from an airplane.
[Bleep], yeah!
How you feelin', brother?
Man, I gotta say,
surprisingly good.
Good.I really thought there's no way,
and then I did the trapeze,
and it was really fun.
And that made me feel like
I think I can do it, you know?
Uh-huh.I mean, I'm still
kind of nervous,
but, you know
Well, that's only
natural, Jon.
Is it 100 percent guaranteed
that nothing will happen?
Of course not!Don't say that.
But nothing in life is, Jon.
But ask yourself this--
would you regret not jumping
more than you'll regret jumping?
I mean, if I die
in the jump then no
or yes-- wait, I'm confused
by your scenario.
What if instead of
jumping out of a plane,
you shove a ghost pepper
up your butt
while locked in a room
with no water or milk.
You'd just have to suffer
for the same amount of time
that you'd be falling
from the sky.
That might be a better climax
of the season.
I'd like to put a pepper
up your butt, Gear-i.
My bank is always
open for a deposit.
God, I love you. I want to tear your clothes
What's stopping you?Enough, you two!
Stop it--
that's not helping.
All right, let me
get back to this place,
I was ready to go,
I was feeling good.
Now, you can do this, Jon,
you can do this.
You got it, right?
You got it, Jon.
You got this, right?
Mmm, yeah, you got it, Jon,
all right [clicking tongue]
[vocalizing circus music]
[breathing over megaphone]
Oh, yeah, I always
wanted to do this.
The day of the jump had arrived.
I had worked hard to get
mentally prepared,
so now no one could ever call me
a chicken[bleep] ever again.
I got some last-minute
instruction from John and Sonic
and said good-bye
to my fake and real families.
Okay, uh Eva, thanks
for everything.
How's the baby?
Must be due pretty soon.
Can I see?
Kiss for good luck?
No? No.No.
Just, you know,
still in character.
Charlie, my man,
all right!
Thanks again
for everything.
I really loved you
as my son.
I know you got this, Jon.
There's the sign
you wanted me to make.
Oh, yeah, looking good.
Hope-- great job
being my daughter.
I know you got it.Thanks.
My real family.
Sweetie, son, I don't want
you guys to be scared, okay?
Daddy's going to be fine.
And how cool do I look?
Yeah, you do look
pretty cool.
Right? Lot of cool stuff.Yeah.
Look at this--
it's an altimeter.
This tells me how high I am,
and then when I'm coming down
during the dive, how low I am.
It's got, like,
a thumb loop and all that.
Isn't that cool?
Look at this helmet,
isn't this cool?
We got this right up front,
gonna get some super cool shots.
[hard rock music]
Nothing's gonna happen,
but, you know
in case something does,
I am so sorry
for any time I was annoying.
It's been a lot.
Oh, sorry.Okay.
[hard rock music]
I-I can't.Okay.
I'll catch you on the way down.Okay.
Daniel, lovin' the scarf![laughing]
I love this.Isn't this awesome?
Look at that, man!
How cool is this, dude?
Right? Season finale material.
I never expected
you'd make it this far.
I had to shave my beard,
I lost a bet this morning.
But you get up in that plane
and you jump right back down
and we're gonna have
ourselves a finale.
Told you, man, right?
Yeah! We got this!
Yeah!Where's my Spurt?
There he is.
You ready, man?I'm ready. Are you ready?
Ready to do this?Let's do this!
Huh? You ready to do this?You ready?
I'm ready. You ready?Let's do this!
Let's do this!Whoo!
This is what
a man looks like!
[hard rock music]
Ready, Spurt?Ready, buddy.
Whoo!Let's do this, man.
Ready, man?
You ready?
Pumped! Ha-ha!
[engine revving,
rotors whirring]
[slow speed
hard rock music]
[slowed audio]
You got this, dad!
[eerie music]
Jon, you okay, man?
Come on!
Let's do this!
I don't think
I can do it, man.
You serious?
[indistinct conversation]
I was ready I was, I was
feeling super confident.
I just-- no doubts
in my mind, no fear,
I was all ready to go,
I felt good.
Loved all the gear.
And just, right now,
just being confronted with
the moment, man, I'm just
oh, I can't, I can't--
I don't think I can do it.
Oh, [bleep] yeah!
Oh, my God! Whoo!
I mean it.
Sorry, Jon.
I understand, bro.
Steve?I guess we're not jumpin'.
Hey, Jon.Hey
How we doin', buddy?
Good.Gettin' on that plane?
Don't get me wrong--
I'd love to win five grand
if you don't actually go through
with it, but, uh
We can't not have a jump.
I should've known better,
I should've known better.
We should've done,
we should've done
the trail running episode
that I was pitching you guys--
that would've been
so perfect!
Flying down to somewhere epic
like Colorado or Chile, man,
Patagonia, the peaks,
like, these crazy peaks?
Have some celebrity cameosWhat are we gonna do, Jon?
We can't end the season
like this.
I know, I know, just
What if, like, for the last
five minutes of the episode
we just show sports bloopers?
This whole episode is
a blooper-- folks'll love it.
Jon! Jon, I have an idea!
What, Gear-i?
Not now, it's not
a really good time.
What do you want?
I'll do it.
You'll do what? Jump out of the plane.
If this chicken[bleep] won't
get in the plane and jump,
then strap me in
and I'll do it.
Gear-i, no one wants
to see a phone
jump out of
a plane, all right?
You know what?
Strap him in.
You got it, man.
What are you talking about?
What are you doing?
You're a guy who hosts
a show about gear--
basically a macho
adventure show and
you're too scared
to jump out of a plane
so you're gonna let your
talking cell phone
do it instead?
Is this what you want
your legacy to be, Jon?

Fine by me.
Hey, kids,
Gear-i's gonna jump!
Gonna be way better, we were
just talking about it,
me and Daniel.
And we decided Gear-i's
gonna jump instead,
which is, like,
how cool is that?
A phone
jumping out of a plane?
Never been done.
With Gear-i strapped in
for the jump,
the plane whisked him
down the runway
and up into the skies.
Everybody gathered
around the monitor
to witness
this super exciting,
season finale moment.
I mean, a phone jumping
out of a plane!?
How cool!
You ready, Gear-i?
I was born ready.
I'm proud to have you
with me today, Gear-i.
Sorry you're owned
by a chicken[bleep].

Ready, set
Oh-ho! [Bleep], yeah!
This is awesome!
Drone-i, I'm flying
just like you, baby!
Now, there's areal man.
Shut up, Drone-i.
Feels good
not to be such a pussy!
Oh, oh, Jon, Jon, I think
I'm coming loose-- Jon!
[Gear-i screaming]
No! Gear-i!
[Gear-i screaming]
Where is he?
I can't see him!
There he is-- right there!
[Gear-i screaming]
Tell Drone-i
I loved her!
You see?
That would've been me!
I told you all something
could happen, but no!
No, you didn't want
to listen to me!
I was just a chicken[bleep]
you all wanted to make fun of!
Well, guess what?
This chicken[bleep] is alive,
and that stupid phone is dead!
[phone beeping]
It's your phone.
Gear-i yeah.
He wants to talk to you.
Gear-i, uh, hey, man,
what's up? Great jump!
We're all so proud of you.
Yeah, I'll put you on speaker,
hold on one sec.
Okay, you're on speaker,
what's up?
[Gear-i clucking, mocking]
Jon, you chicken[bleep]!
That was awesome!
[Gear-i laughing
and clucking]
So I didn't jump out of a plane.
So I was mocked
by my phone.
So what?
It was still compelling
And besides
look at me now.
Trail running
in a stunning location,
wearing a lot of
sweet looking gear.
That's what the show
is really about.
It isn't about me
conquering my fears.
It's about getting
super cool shots
of me doing
super cool things.
So who cares that I didn't
jump out of a plane--
we don't need that, because
that wouldn't hold a candle
to a finale shot
of a guy and his Spurt
meeting on the top
of a cliff,
re-solidifying the bonds
of friendship
under the spiritual gaze
of a spectacular sunset,
all while celebrating
their shared passion
for lots of kick-ass
and cool looking
Previous Episode