Justice League (2001) s02e13 Episode Script

Eclipsed (1)

Man: Can anyone explain this to me? That's Fassan's vehicle, But where's our target, boys and girls? So are you here for the high risk or the low pay? Actually I'm here to keep the world safe From warlords and petty dictators like Fassan.
"cave"? Well, duh.
Not cave, cave.
It's latin.
It means, "beware.
" Signal our position.
And remember, We want Fassan alive for trial, if possible.
[crunch.]
Uh, sir? You did say "alive if possible," right? This isn't Fassan’s handiwork.
Pull back.
Man: Whoa, mama.
Leader: What is it, burns? I think it's my kid's college tuition fund, Sarge.
Uh! Death-mongers! World-enders! Uh! Touch not the black heart! Mophir preserves the world.
Uh! Ahh Woman: What is he? Local color? Uhh Sarge, you ok? Ah! [chanting in foreign language.]
What? Burns? I'm I'm fine.
How's the Sarge? He'll live, but we need to get him back to base.
Or you could all die right here.
Burns, what are you doing? Burns, don't! [whistling eerie tune.]
Oh! Whoa! [alarm ringing.]
Crikey! Not so fast, Mirror Master.
Uh! Oh! G'day, mate.
Flash! Catch! Thanks, yo! For fast energy, grab a Lightspeed booster bar, With a big burst of flavor in every bite! Both: Yeah! See? This is what these self-appointed Guardians of humanity Are really about.
Cashing in On their image, Shilling for whoever's got the deepest pockets.
It's not enough that they turn our kids Into bullies and delinquents With their arrogant "might makes right" policy, Once again, the glorious one tells it like it is.
Am I right, folks, or am I right? Darn straight! How dare you open up the League to this kind of criticism?! Hey, I wasn't that bad.
Listen, we're a team.
How people see you affects all of us.
Then a single guy like you should be thanking me, Because I've been finding out the ladies love a celebrity.
You done with those? [burp.]
What do you need that much money for anyway? Tell me you're not jealous.
Tell me you're not serious.
Why do you need a van? Wait, don't answer that.
I don't want to know.
The Flashmobile's not just a van, It's an expression of my inner self.
Uh, that's not right.
Yeah, well, hotshot, Next time you feel the need to express your inner self, Repress.
But that's not even the best part.
Huh? Check it out! Hey, we should take a road trip! What? Think about it.
Two hard-traveling heroes cruising the countryside, Looking for America.
Yeah, I'll let you know when my schedule frees up.
It's time we told these supercilious sideshow swindlers What we think of them! You're no superheroes! You're Crowd: Superzeroes! It's not my fault.
Of course not.
You just handed that jerk a weapon.
You didn't tell him to fire it.
Aw, he's full of hot air.
Guys like that back down the second you stand up to them.
I'll prove it.
Hold on! Flash on TV: Hey, glorious.
Oh, no.
You have something to say about the League, Say it to my face.
Ladies and gentlemen, It seems we have an unexpected guest.
Not that we should be surprised.
I mean, you're a superhero.
You don't have to wait for an invitation.
You go where you want when you want, right? Yeah, but-- We're the good guys.
Of course you are! And I'm sure you can account for the fact That since your so-called Justice League formed, White collar crime is up 3 percent! White collar? That's not really our Or maybe you'd care to explain why, on your watch, 50 percent of marriages now end in divorce, And the other 50 percent in death! Uh! [crowd yelling.]
I'm here because all that stuff you said about the League being in this for money isn't right.
So you're saying that unlike the rest of us, Who work hard to provide for our loved ones, You do what you do for less selfish reasons? Exactly.
Like Green Lantern explained to me earlier Don't.
Don't say it.
We're above all that.
You heard it, folks! Straight from the source! The Just-us League says, "we're better than you!" Yeah! Wait, no! We're out of time.
Tomorrow, more of the hard truth You want to hear.
Hey, great show, kid.
Drop by anytime.
But I didn't You I Nothing personal.
It's just show biz.
It's not like it's the end of the world.
That's exactly what it is.
End of the world.
Mophir tells you, "don't touch!" Do you listen to Mophir? Now world ends.
Not Mophir's fault.
But Mophir know how world works.
Mophir get blamed just the same.
[whistling eerie tune.]
Strange song.
What is it? Hey! How many mammals will this kill? Buddy, I need you to put that back, ok? What are you doing? How many? Depends.
That thing holds 7 rounds.
Not enough.
What's our deadliest weapon? What's with the stinking quiz? A nuke, ok?! Numbers.
Give me numbers.
I don't know-- thousands, maybe millions.
It's a start.
Today I have a report from Dr.
Frederick, The respected child psychologist, In which he states, and I quote: "some children who admire these overpumped superheroes "do poorly in school, quarrel with their siblings, And refuse to eat their vegetables.
" I'd like to ask the Just-us League How they respond to these accusations.
But I can't! Because they don't have the nerve to show up here! [booing.]
America, I ask you, Why are they afraid of me? What do they have to hide? We demand the truth! [audience shouting.]
What a rude little man.
Someone needs to put him in his place.
No.
If we respond, We'll just encourage him.
Role models? Look, I've seen showgirls with more modesty Than this so-called Wonder Woman.
I will not tolerate this! Princess, I don't like Godfrey any more than you do, But in this country, the man's entitled to his opinion, However bone-headed it is.
Democracy in action.
Hey, didn't the Greeks invent that? And what's wrong with the way I dress? Uh, you want to take that? Man: You are about to witness The birth of a new age in missile defense.
Rather than trying to shoot down enemy missiles from space, We believe that our new AFD Anti-Fusion Device Will enable us to completely neutralize enemy warheads At the point of detonation.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the AFD.
Man on intercom: Nukes alive and in position, general.
Good.
Prepare to detonate.
Hold it, guy! Restricted area! Oh! [whistling.]
General, we've got a security breach.
He's heading for one of the nukes.
Abort test.
Cut him off! Don't move.
Being a superhero, I'm always on the run, And I can't afford to slow down for anything, Not even gastrointestinal distress.
So when I need fast, fast, fast relief From the cramping, burning, itching-- Oh, I can't say this! What's the problem? "cramping, burning, itching"? What pinhead wrote this garbage?! Your sponsors.
They can kiss my boots.
I'm not saying it! You're his agent.
You deal with him.
Listen, Bunkie, you know you're my number one guy.
Talk to me.
Artie Bauman is completely here for you.
You say the word, we walk.
Great.
Let's go.
You can't.
We already got paid, And I spent my 60 percent.
Forget it.
No one's asking the other guys to do this sort of thing.
That's because they don't have What you have.
What, my speed? My charm? They don't have me as their agent.
So tell them to call me, Especially that big gal with the rope.
Now let's make some magic.
Rolling, people, this is a take.
And if it's not too inconvenient, This time with talent.
This bites! Your commercial's stupid, You're a no-talent hack, And your donuts are stale! I'm out of here fast, fast, fast! Ohh! Ah! Well, looks like that's a wrap.
You owe us, Bunkie.
Full reimbursement plus studio costs.
Expect to hear from our lawyers.
I can't afford another lawsuit.
Unless Connect me to Godfrey studios.
Reverse the charges.
Man: Tell us why you wanted the nukes.
What nukes? Where's my unit? Where's the Sarge? Listen, buddy, it'll go a lot easier if you cooperate.
We called your CO, and he said your unit Had been taken out by enemy fire.
Turns out it was you.
Did Fassan pay you to do this? Do what?! I don't know what you're talking about! Don't worry, sir.
We'll get him to crack.
Very good, lieutenant.
Carry on.
[whistling.]
Man: Who's in here? Oh, it's you, general.
Is everything all right, sir? Yes, I found what I needed.
Would you mind locking up? And this exclusive behind-the-scenes footage Reveals more shocking behavior from these Superzeroes.
This bites! Your commercial's stupid, You're a no-talent hack, And your donuts are stale! I'm out of here fast, fast, fast! Ohh! Ah! This just proves what I've said all along: Behind those masks, They're menaces who have far too much power.
Why, if they set their minds to it, The Just-us League could easily destroy the world! Captain, how would one find this Just-us League? Put on a gaudy costume and threaten to hurt a lot of people? Thank you, captain.
You've been a tremendous help.
Flash: Come on, Artie, help me out.
Where did Godfrey get that footage? How should I know? A garage sale? But it makes me look like a total jerk.
Don't sweat it, kid, There's no such thing as bad publicity.
And speaking of publicity, I could set you up for the swimsuit issue, Cover guaranteed.
You slimy little weasel.
Do you think I can be bought and sold? A tough negotiator.
I like that! Green Lantern: It's the power plant.
This negotiation is over, Mr.
Bauman.
If you change your mind, babe, I'm in the book! Do you see anything? I saw that.
Man: Mankind's time will be forever eclipsed.
Tonight my people will be avenged! Where do these nuts come from? [rumbling.]
[alarm siren.]
What's going on? Is this some kind of a drill? Uh! It's him.
He torched the sewers! I was wondering what that smell was.
It's no joke! That's methane gas down there.
Ah! Flash, we'll handle the fire.
Diana, you take Mr.
Moonface.
Right.
We need water here! Fast! I'm on it! You can't escape.
Give yourself up.
Never! I know what you want.
But you can't have it! Have what? My precious diamond.
No! Stay back! Its dark power can destroy the world.
Not anymore.
Hey, princess, fire's out.
Need a hand in here? Wonder Woman: No.
He's finished.
Whoa! That was a little harsh.
Are you feeling all right? I'm fine.
But there's still so much to do.
[humming.]