Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (2005) s06e01 Episode Script

Kathy With a Z

Ladies and gentlemen, the hilarious Kathy Griffin.
How the Are you?! I'm Kathy Griffin, trash-talking comedian who's not afraid to give Hollywood a dressing down.
Ryan Seacrest is a vicious, vicious lady.
There, I said it.
So much has happened since last season.
First of all, I got not one, but two Emmy nominations and a Grammy nomination And I lost all three.
So they can suck it, because my book became a "New York Times" number one bestseller.
Meanwhile, my mom's fame continues to grow.
"Maggie Griffin, "star of 'Kathy Griffin, My Life on the D-List.
'" I didn't tell 'em to put that in.
Thank you, all.
And now she's moved into a fancy senior residence that we call "Maggie Manor.
" There you go-- tip it.
Okay, "tip it.
" Team Griffin is in rare form.
Fix it-- fix my .
Our Tiffany is on the prowl for a man, especially with that new slimmed down bod.
She is sexual napalm.
And poor Tom is so stressed out, well, he practically has no eye brows left.
Oh, that was a good one.
I've decided this is the year to embrace my platinum D-List status.
So, gays, I'm bringin' it.
Can you get the president on the phone? Uh Ha! And I might have a few fancy friends now.
You're delicious.
Thank you.
But trust me, I'm still nowhere near the A-List.
Ten dollar bags-- come on, people! My mother's wine doesn't buy itself.
When you're livin' life on the D-List "Kathy With a Z" This year has been the year of scandals out of Nowhere! I mean, the whole "Late Night" thing where Lettermen is bangin' all his blond interns and, you know, John Edwards is have-- is, like, a baby daddy.
Please tell me that you watched the Tiger Woods apology speech.
All right.
I just can't believe that he's not too boring to .
Too-- he got 15 chicks to Him! Are you Kidding me? You know he just lays there and he's the tee, And you're the ball-- like, you know Hi, Neal-- it's Kathy Griffin.
You remember me from "ER," season one? Neal Baer is a big TV producer-writer, and he did "ER" and "Law and Order, SVU.
" When he saw me at the Emmy's last year, he took pity on me after my stunning loss-- really scandalous loss that all of Hollywood is still talking about, and he told me he was gonna write an episode of "Law and Order, SVU" for me.
And get this, he's pretty much guaranteed that I'm going to win an Emmy for my performance.
So, is there a script coming or how does it work? Oh, my gosh! Okay, so this is a real thing.
Well, wait, wait-- I'm sorry.
Is there any way that this show could be switched to a more successful network? Perhaps "Logo" or the "WE Channel?" Now, can you talk to me a little bit about my character? Babs Duffy-- I like that! It couldn't be better.
So what kind of lesbian am I'm gonna be playing? A tough sort of Mary Cheney type or more of a softer lesbian like Clay Aiken? I don't know-- in any event, my inner monologue will be that she's playing golf.
Now can you guarantee me at least one moment where they will give the address of my character's apartment with the music sting? Oh! Okay, good.
I am more excited about that than any of the actual acting.
All right, well, thank you, very much.
I'm very much looking forward to it, and I appreciate it more than you know.
Wow! That's cool.
All right, look-- we gotta get back to my house, 'cause I wanna be there the minute that script arrives.
Exciting news! Huh? It's here! What? What's here? Dum-dum! "Law and Order SUV.
" Oh.
Do do do DA do do yeah, so start highlighting and counting my lines.
So, Tom, you're gonna go with me.
Ooh, I get to go? You're going.
Yeah! Mariska's gonna be there, right? You have a thing for here, right? By the way, you know, I wrote about it in my book.
You dropped her.
I dropped her when she was my groundling student.
I was teaching improv at the groundlings, and there's this thing called "the trust exercise.
" Tom, let's do it.
Stand up.
Stop! Hey! Oh, my god-- Mariska, sit down.
So I'm gonna see Mariska Hargitay, who I dropped on her ass, which I wrote about in my book, so I'm sure she's been thinking about it and probably wants to kill me.
I don't know if we're gonna get into a girl fight.
I should just take off my earrings.
So it'll be-- Isn't Ice-T on there? Ice-T is on there? What's the cute guy's name? Chris Meloni and everybody wants him.
Is he married? Yeah sorry.
But everyone loves him because he was raped on "Oz" or was the rapist on "Oz.
" Oh, God! Oh, God, my gays are gonna be so excited, that I'm gonna be with him.
They love him.
So, um, are you up for this? I can't wait-- this is gonna be fun.
All right.
Because mommy's tryin' to get a third one of these.
Here's the deal.
"Law and Order" is one of those shows that it's like an Emmy tree.
Practically every guest star gets one or at least nominated.
Ellen Burstyn, Cynthia Nixon, Leslie Caron.
So I gotta step up my game.
I mean, I haven't done a serious drama in years, so I've gotta bring in the best acting coach I know, and one who really works cheap.
Oh, hi-- yeah? Mom.
What do you mean, "oh, hi?" Oh.
I live here.
All right, so you know the show that I'm doing.
Your favorite show.
"Law and Order.
" Which one? Oh, uh, "SUV.
" All right.
Like a sports utility vehicle.
No, it's not sexual It's, um Oh, God! Don't blow this for me.
Unit-- I'm trying to get an Emmy.
Uh, all right-- it's-- "unit" is the last word.
S-sexual victims, uh, unit or whatever.
Okay, you are going to play Detective Benson.
Oh! And who plays Detective Benson? Um Um, Mariska.
All right, Mariska.
All right, so I need you to read everything that's highlighted.
To myself or out loud? Out loud.
We're practicing.
"Day three.
"On Bab's hand, as she surreptitiously types "on her website.
"We said-we said no Internet "and no secret tweeting either.
" Do you know what tweeting is? Yeah.
Kinda like a cell phone, only more complicated.
And you don't know how to spell Nobody will know how to spell after tweeting for awhile.
Okay, what if we stopped your diatribe? Oh, all right.
And get back to work.
Okay, "I don't do alone very well, and I don't like "this sitting around while this prick is out there!" Can they say that on regular television? You can't say that on regular-- I am in the middle of my character rehearsing.
Oh, oh, all right.
All right.
"Babs smiles and suddenly, impulsively, "leans up and kisses Benson.
" Oh, my God! Benson-- oh, jeez! Oh, come on! What? All right.
So, you're not willing to do the make-out scene with me? I don't-I don't know how to do that.
You don't get it.
Dina Lohan would do that for Lindsay.
I know she would.
She would get into it, method style.
Now, let me stop the scene for one second, 'cause in real acting class, they go on what's called "sense memory.
" Yeah.
Now, what about when you had What? A lesbian experience.
I've never had one, Kathy.
Were you confused? I've never had one, Kathy.
Were you scared of the feelings? I don't-- wh-- what are you doing? You're nervously fidgeting.
I was gonna have a little sip of wine, 'cause you know why? I'm getting nervous now.
You better.
It's only a sip-- oh, my God.
You're gonna need more than that, because if the lesbians come after me because of you-- and the way this is going-- all right, okay-- that wasn't bad.
It's gonna be hard for you, though, I think.
You know-- the kissing part I don't care about, but it's the acting part that I'm nervous about, 'cause it's, like, real acting.
Look, I'm nervous because the last hour drama show I've done was "The X-files" in the '90s.
So, I've gotta do well or else I'm not going to get my deserved Emmy which I'm telling you I deserve, even before I've shown up on the set for one day.
Now what do you think my shot is of taking the Emmy away from maybe Ellen Burstyn or Barbara Barry or Meryl Streep? I think-- I like to be fair, 'cause I like-I like-- you're not even pulling for me for the Emmy? Well, I am pulling for you, but I like Barbara Barry also.
Hmm, I wonder what possibly could be the reason that my mother is such a Barbara Barry fan? You know, we gotta be fair, you know.
look great.
Do you wanna see? See how you're feeling.
Today's my prep day at the studio.
I'm gonna meet with the hair people, the wardrobe people.
They're gonna put together my character's look, and I get to meet with the director.
I wouldn't mind going a little heavier.
I'm playing the serious, militant lesbian, so I'm gonna show everyone at the studio, I've done my homework.
I'm putting together my vision of the character's look.
It's like when Nicole Kidman got that fake nose that looks like my real one or my second one.
I'm like Robert DeNiro now.
You're not even gonna know me.
When you see me on the show, you're gonna have to ask your neighbor, "who is that?" What do you think about, like, um Like, I was thinking, like, a liquid liner, kind of a dramatic, maybe almost like even a cat eye.
And a little more of an overdrawn lip and a little-little deeper of a color.
April, can I have, like, um I was thinking maybe some sparkles.
Some sparkles? Yeah, do you have actual glitter from a craft store? You're sure it's not gonna be too much? Oh, no.
I mean, I-- no.
This doesn't seem to have a lot of glitter make-up.
Well, I'm putting a new twist on the character.
That's the kind of actress I am.
I'm going the extra mile.
This is a stretch for me as an actress.
I'm stretching.
I'm not playing myself.
It's not even like you're talking to Kathy Griffin anymore.
I want you only to call me "Babs" from now on.
You're Babs? Yes.
Okay, I love it.
I think, um, a little more mascara and we're good.
The writers described Babs as "the lesbian Al Sharpton.
" So I'm ready to work.
Kathy, are you ready? It's Babs! Michael.
What's your name? Hi.
Hi, Michael.
Hi, Babs.
I'm Babs.
Hi, Babs.
Babs Duffy.
Is Babs a vegetarian? Yes, I am.
In fact, I'm a Pescetarian.
If you know what I'm saying? Get it-- fish? A lot of drugs on set over there? A lot of blow, a lot of puffers, a lot of, uh, e? Now, I wanna keep my job, so, uh So you're saying it's a virtual drug den over there.
All right-- I just wanna know what I'm gettin' into.
I got some blow, in case you need a little bump.
Is that how Babs rolls? Yeah-- I've decided she's a lesbian drug dealer now.
On the side.
Sounds like fun.
It's the economy.
I assumed that "Law and Order, SVU" was shot at 30 Rock-Rockefeller Center, Manhattan.
I didn't know I'd be going to an abandoned warehouse in Jersey.
Mike, where the Is this? Are you taking me here to kill me? Coming up Ha! Please help me rehearse, because I'm scared Less.
I should be out there! I feel so goddamn-- Well, it's a couple days before filming starts, so I'm at the "Law and Order" studios for a prep day.
Because I'm a professional actor, I've taken it upon myself to arrive already in character as the militant lesbian, Babs Duffy.
How ya doin', lady-- you single? Hi, how are you? Good, I'm Tina.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
I'm Babs.
I was kind of rethinking my character a little bit, and I was thinking maybe she could be more of like a lipstick lesbian, like a, you know, like a Portia De Rossi, sexy.
Uh, are you talking to You.
To Babs? Should I get out of character for a second? I-I-- yeah.
Okay, as Kathy Griffin.
This is faux.
Uh, it's Chanel.
Perhaps you've heard of it? Uh, okay, so-so, what did you-what did you guys have in mind then? Jones of New York.
Nice practical clothes.
Uh, well, this is an interesting choice of wardrobe on their part.
A pant suit is not what I had in mind.
I've gotta find the writer and sort this out.
Dan? Oh, hey, Kathy.
How are you? So I've been doing some work on my character and, um, I was thinking, like, she's, like, a fabulous, you know, like a Cher-- I'm not-I'm not quite sure that's-- we had a tone meeting about all of this, and this is not a Cher thing.
It's not a-- are you saying something negative about Cher, because I will kick you in your Balls.
I'm sorry, that was Babs-- let me turn back into Kathy.
I will kick you in your Balls, if you say anything bad about Cher.
Uh I don't know if this is going exactly the way I hoped.
I'm a little nervous they're just gonna recast me with Molly Ringwald or Billy Jean king.
There's Babs.
Kathy, hi.
How are you-- I'm so pleased to meet you.
Juan, yes.
Hi, Juan.
Have a seat right here, please.
Welcome to my office.
"Welcome"-- yeah, wa-wa.
All right, so talk to me.
Okay, well, you know that people kinda die in this show.
So we really have to make it more real, to make it very down to earth.
Tone it down.
You know, bring it down a few notches.
Uh, we really have to make people believe that you're the activist of all these women.
How do you feel about this coat? Is that a good start? Oh, well, it looks like it-- I know-- they already talked to me.
The director, Juan Juan Scared the Outta me, 'cause he said I can't do my usual shtick.
All right.
Um I'll be a little toned down.
You see-- you see what it feels like.
Oh, I can't wait to be molded, to be your Clay, baby.
Okay, okay-- not Aiken-- a different kind of Clay.
Juan is not even from here, so I'm extra nervous, 'cause maybe I won't be able to understand him when he's saying "Acting" in Spanish.
So I guess I just got schooled, or escuelad by Juan.
All right, juan-- I look forward to it.
Okay, bye-bye.
The bottom line is I'm , because I can't wear what I want and then, I have to try to not ruin the episode.
I'm nervous now.
But you used to do this all the time.
I know, but this is like a real show.
Yeah, but-- it's not even like a real show.
It's a real show.
Well, you're startin' off good with the coat.
I'm not gonna wear this coat.
I hope not.
My character, you know, turns out to be a little different than I thought.
Well, we're gonna take all that down.
Let's get up on this bitch.
You okay? Yeah.
So guess what? I'm gonna practice and practice and practice, and I'm gonna nail it, and I'm gonna do a good job.
And I know I look pitiful.
I don't care anymore.
Let's go, Babs.
Hello, it's Kathy Griffin for Miss Liza Minnelli.
I will stop at nothing to do a good job, and guess what I did? I just called Liza Minnelli, and I don't even know her that well.
I mean, I know her a little.
I've met her a few times, but I certainly don't know her well enough to have called her and said, "oh, by the way, can I have an acting lesson?" But she said "yes.
" So I'm gonna meet her at her penthouse.
Liza, I-it's me, Kathy Griffin.
Liza Minnelli, Oscar, Emmy, Golden Globe, Tony, Grammy, " She's got it all.
I will see you at your place soon.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All right, bye.
Liza, I've helped myself to a diet coke.
I hope that is all right.
You can help yourself to anything you want.
Mwah! Hi, baby-- how are you? This is beyond-- I'm gonna try not to gush, but the idea that I just cold called you like a telemarketer and said, "will you please help me rehearse, "because I'm scared Less?" And you said, "come on over.
" And I believe the quote was, "come on over, baby.
" It was.
And here we are.
You're really gonna help me, because I'm very nervous.
This is real acting.
This is your thing-- it's not my thing.
It is your thing, you crazy, mad fool.
And it's concentration, that's all it is.
Okay? All right, so you've read the script, correct? Yeah, I just read it.
All right, you should know that for what it's worth, I did read it 77 times.
Well, that's good.
Okay, now does that-- will that get me an Emmy? Here, would-- guys-- somebody, for God sake.
Thank you.
Okay, when I concentrate, every once in a while, I'll take a few puffs.
I understand.
Shh, don't tell anybody.
No, no, it's our secret.
All right, so I'm Babs, and you have to be everybody else.
I-I-I know.
It's not your first rodeo is what you're saying? Um, no, it's okay, darling-- it's just-- so "Babs' apartment.
" When the two ladies are finally alone.
"I'm going crazy here.
" "Well, try to relax and away from the window.
" Now, would you say on the next one, I go bigger or back off a little? You have to listen to how she says it and you'll know how to answer it.
That's the thing-- that's where I'm getting stuck.
I feel like I'm not able to really listen because I'm, like, frantically thinking of my next line.
So first of all, you've gotta learn the lines.
And react as this woman would.
Not you.
All right, let's just take a beat.
Are we all getting that I'm sitting with Liza Minnelli, and she's coaching me, and, besides being fabulous, I mean, she really knows her .
L-let's go away from the script for a minute.
E-exaggerate it now.
I am the voice of all of these people out there.
I should be out there! I should be doing what I do! Not hiding in here like some stupid, you know-- I-I-I just-- I-I just-- I feel-I feel so goddamn-- Holy Balls, Liza knows this character better than I do, and she read the script once.
I've been practicing and practicing.
Look, I know I'm a little rusty and everything, but now I'm really feeling Petrified.
Coming up "Babs suddenly plants a--" yeah, do you need your shirt on for this scene? "Huge kiss on-on him.
" Every time they say "cut!" To me, I hear, "you sucked! "Back to one, people.
" What if I really can't remember my lines? What if I just freak out and I can't remember my lines? I don't wanna be the person who ruins the take.
Well, I'm in full panic mode because I have to be on the set of "Law and Order" at 6:00 in the morning, and they've made it clear that I have to not just know my lines, but actually act Which is not what I signed on for.
That's why you have to listen to what she's asking you and it's why you say it, not how you say it.
The why , not the how.
Wanna go on? Yeah.
All right, so I say "petrified.
" And she says, "I know it's not easy, "but you're gonna get through this.
" You promise? 'Cause I don't do this everyday, not like you do.
I'd go back to humor.
You promise? 'Cause I don't do this everyday.
And I'd laugh.
I'd do anything to get yourself out of being framed.
You promise-- 'cause I don't do this everyday.
You-you promise? I-I'm weak.
I'm showing my weakness, 'cause I don't do this everyday.
You know, I'm not-- yeah.
Pull it together.
You promise? 'Cause I don't do this everyday.
Great! Not like you do.
Yes, perfect! Baby, you nailed it.
It's the not the how i love Liza, it's the why i love Liza.
And why I love Liza is that she's doing this for me and taking time and helping me.
Oh, it's like I'm in gay Oscar heaven.
Ha! Okay, kid-- you can do this! Okay, but just so you know, never-- I don't think in my career have I been this nervous for a gig.
Here, give me your hands.
Oh, boy.
We're not gonna do a prayer circle, are we? 'Cause I'm not technically a dancer.
Hello, this is kathy Griffin.
May I please have a large pot of coffee? Here's the thing that's different about doing a show like "Law and Order" as opposed to "my life on the D-List.
" You have to get up way too early.
And by the way, this isn't a one day shoot.
It's ten long days.
You can just put it right there on the table, please.
Tom, hurry up! Today is the day I actually start shooting my scenes, and I can't mess up, so I'm making Tom run the lines with me again and again and again and again.
All right, tippy top.
All right.
"Big relief, huh?" You have no idea.
Uh, that's why I've been so tight No? "No wonder.
" Oh, you have no idea-- no wonder I've been so uptight all these years, holding in all that fear.
-- You have no idea.
I always think it's "turns out," no? "That's why I've been so uptight all these years?" -- It's "you have no idea.
"No wonder I've been so uptight all these years.
" Good-- you'll be fine.
I just get so scared when I show up on set and they all just know it like the back of their hand.
I just want to get through this first day, so if I can get my first couple of scenes under my belt, I'll feel a lot better.
Is there anything else you wanna rehearse? Well, I got my big kissing scene with Chris Meloni coming up today, or rather, his kissing scene with me.
Attention, all gays.
In this episode, I not only kiss Mariska Hargitay, I also kiss the dreamy, the sexy, triple x, Chris Meloni.
It's gonna help his career more than mine-- let's face it.
I wonder if he's, like, a soft kisser, or he's rough like his character.
I wonder if he's gonna pretend like he's cuffing me behind my back while he's kissing, or if he's more tentative and nervous to be around me.
Mike, how was your day off, you ? It was great-- thank you.
Aren't you ready to run again? All the "Law and Order" shows kinda run like a machine, so if you come here and expect to be gettin', you know, your neck rubbed or something, it doesn't happen.
They kinda, like, shoot you through hair and makeup and say, "act, mother ," you know? You gotta know your Here.
They-they'll catch ya out there.
Give me the key word that I keep forgetting.
"No wonder.
" I think it's-- no, it's not that.
It's "frustrated.
" "Uptight.
" "Uptight," that's right.
I think Kathy is hilarious, but you see her and you're like, "okay, how are we gonna approach this? "How are we gonna make this work and-and make it real "and make it not, you know, like, you know, "shtick or cheesy.
" I guess I owe you an apology, too.
Uh I guess-- I was pretty bitchy with you.
We never had a reality star on this show.
I'm sure she'll be fine.
I guess I need to take my gay-dar into the shop.
Mike, what'd you think? How was that, on point? A little big.
Can you believe this Guy? Oh, chris-- hey, Chris! I just need to work on the scene with you.
You look good-- you been workin' out and stuff? Thanks, I appreciate that.
Well, I heard what real A-Listers do is they try to actually bond with their costars.
So I've decided to invite Chris Meloni into my dressing room-- he'll probably want a picture and stuff-- and we're gonna run the scene.
"Babs turns to stabler.
" Yeah, those are the action lines.
"Stabler leans down.
"Babs suddenly yanks him and plants a--" "huge kiss on-on him.
" I blink and I-I'm totally caught off guard.
So, um, yeah, I was wondering if we could run that.
Um, I guess I owe you an apology, too.
I did get pretty bitchy with you.
Yeah, um, and I have a line.
Wow, that was weird.
That's never happened before with me and a man.
Um, maybe he was having a hard day or, you know what? He was probably so in character.
Are you gonna be-- I-I'm sorry.
Are you gonna play it that aggressively? Chris Meloni is playing "the rules" with me.
Remember the book "the rules?" Where he thinks the more he ignores me, the more I will go for him And I will.
Kathy, calm-- do you need your shirt on for this scene? So, I think we do the take bottomless.
Uh, for-- I'm just saying for, like, a rehearsal.
You're doing-- you just-- loose-- good? Yeah, I'm seeing someone, just so you know.
Here's the thing about Chris Meloni-- he wants me, and he doesn't get that I'm already dating the public.
Awesome! Thank you.
I know you're gonna be great.
I know you're gonna be great.
Hey, Kathy, they're ready for you on set.
Okay time to start winning my Emmy.
And as I'm walking to set, I'm remembering everything Liza said to me.
It's like she's sitting on my shoulder.
It's the why , not the how .
So I get to the set and it's a lot different th this is a big time show with a big time crew, lots of people.
I'm startin' to get really intimidated.
Quiet on the set, please.
Rolling action.
So I think, Babs, it's time for you to be really strong.
All right.
Cut-- back to the one.
Take two And action.
Babs, it's time for you to be really strong.
Look-- Cut-- oh, man! Once I start to mess up, I'm living the actor's nightmare.
I go blank.
They're not playin' around here.
They're serious.
So even though I know my lines, I get nervous, and, you know, acting with real actors is very intimidating for me.
Um, that is not a diss on any of the Kardashians or Denise Richards or any of the housewives.
I'm just saying, this one time.
I met Larry at a rally six months ago.
No, cut.
Back to one, everyone.
You know, it just brings out all my insecurities, 'cause I just want to do a great job every time, and when I don't-- That happens.
That's what's happening in my heart and my mind.
Okay, rolling-- take six.
Cut-- quiet on the set, please.
How you doing? Okay.
I just wanted to tell you, if you can bring it down a little bit, just a notch.
Okay, 'cause I was reading my lines.
I'm glad you're adjusting well.
That's great-- that's always good to know, but we really have to take it down.
I don't know how much a notch is for you, but-- I'll take it down a few.
Yeah, exactly.
I got it.
Thank you, dear.
Tell me once.
I'm gonna go over there.
Oh, crap! So now, when I do get the lines right, he hates how I do the lines Or maybe it's the why .
All I know is he hates it.
This is one of these days where I feel like I can't get it.
I feel so embarrassed every time I can't get the line right or something.
You're doing fine.
No, but I just-I just feel like I'm getting it.
What? I just feel stupid.
I mean, you know-- I know, I can't be crying when they turn around, because it's not a crying scene.
I'm gonna cry in here.
I'm the only person on this show who's crying during a not-crying scene.
I started to cry and I had to tell Mariska I was breaking up with my boyfriend.
I just panicked.
You're f-- just-- you're thinking way, way too much about this.
I know, and I'm so not used to this.
Well, you have to stop-- Mariska goes, "what's the-- when's the--" Mariska goes, "when was the last time you did a job like this?" And I go, "The X Files.
" And she was like this-- "huh!" It's not even-- the camera's not even on you.
You don't think it's a good sign that they said, "when's the last time you did this?" No.
Every time they say "cut," to me, I hear "you sucked.
" Instead of "cut," to me, I hear, "you sucked!" It has nothing to-- back to one, people.
Do think they could cgi and just replace me with, uh With the little, uh, what's the-- Cynthia Nixon? She's a red head.
Them-- I'm goin' to "cold case.
" Yeah, I'm goin' to "CSI Miami," where you get to where sunglasses and probably read cue cards.
Coming up There's something I've felt guilty about for a long time.
Shall we check for anal tearing? so, today is the last day of what's been a pretty grueling ten day shoot.
Thank you, Jesus, and you, too, Allah.
But for me, it's really kind of a chance to redeem myself.
My attitude is slightly different than the first day I started, which is that I've had explosive diarrhea for ten days straight.
Also, as you can see, I've let go of the artifice.
This is a "star's don't make it" moment and I don't care, anymore, Because I have been stripped of my vanity, I have been stripped any adorable attitude I might have had on the first day, and I'm here to work.
Hey, lady.
Um, I've gotta come clean about something.
Complain! No, come clean.
Oh, come clean.
Yeah, there's something I have felt guilty about for a long time.
So today is my final scene, my big kissing with Mariska Hargitay, but, you know, I dropped her when she was my groundlings student, and everyday, I know she's been thinking about it and not saying anything-- so have I.
I need to just clear the air.
So I, uh, I don't know if you remember when I was a teacher at the groundlings and you were my groundling student.
Do you not remember that I was your teacher? Well, I remember that I was in groundlings.
So you haven't been going around telling people, "Kathy Griffin made me.
" I call it "the Griffin style.
" All right, so you don't remember being my student? I apologize.
I've told thousands-- millions of people, really.
But I have a bad memory issue, so that's not you-- that's me.
Did you know that you were in my book which is a "New York Times" number one bestseller? And so no one's read this to you? No.
Okay, hold on.
Don't move! Wow! Here it is.
Thank you.
This is beautiful-- you look gorgeous.
All right, do you have any memories about the day we did the trust exercise in class? Because let me-let me refresh your memory.
Um, okay, so, uh, "I was excited.
"Here was this tall, gorgeous girl comes into my class.
" That's you.
Nothing bad could happen after that-- nothing.
"And we started class.
"In the groundlings curriculum, "one of the first exercises was the trust game, "and then, by the time it got around to, uh, "Mariska Hargitay, we'd already done it "with ten or eleven students, "and they had all clearly gotten the point.
"Then it was Mariska's turn.
"She fell back and" Oh, I'm sorry, Kathy.
I can't hear you, love-- I'm not gettin' any younger.
Go ahead.
"She fell back and nobody caught her.
"She fell flat on her ass.
" Okay, next line.
Did I hurt myself? Well, you-you clearly suffered memory loss.
Wow, clearly-- that's what it is! Uh, the next line is, "I was horrified.
" So I'm not a sociopath, which I know you deal with on this show a lot.
So, you know, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for doing something you don't remember.
Oh, yeah.
Um, but I'm sorry-- you wanna hug it out? Yeah.
I'm sorry I dropped you.
Whew! That is a relief.
So there's no resentment toward me from Mariska.
It's great.
Or memory of ever meeting me or knowing me.
D-List! Okay, so we're gonna do the trust exercise, Mariska, and you can trust me.
You promise you will not drop me on my coccyx? I absolutely would not.
And scar me? No.
Now, actually, I am scared.
You should be.
You ready? Yeah.
Should I do this? Yes.
I'm a trusting person.
That was good enough.
I don't need you fall any further.
Thank you.
Whoa-- ah! What happened-- I thought I could trust you! No-- so, I did-- I was right there for you! What are you talking about? Yeah, you were totally there for me.
Yeah, right.
Even though Mariska and I are now pals, I'm still nervous, because coming up is, for me, the toughest scene in the whole show.
No wonder I've been so uptight for years.
I'm just-just-- Kathy, we're ready for you to come to set.
So here comes my big scene, my big lesbian kiss with Detective Benson, Mariska Hargitay.
This is the one.
This is what they call "the Emmy clip.
" I'gonna really knock this one out of the park.
I'm gonna kiss her like she's Mariska Hargitay.
I mean, she's hot.
I just have to not It up.
I'm talking to my mouth now.
Don't This up.
Quiet on the set, please.
Thirty-one d, take one.
And action.
I know.
It's not easy, but you're gonna get through this.
You promise? 'Cause I don't do this everyday, not like you.
I promise Okay? Now, let's get somethin' to eat, okay? Whoa! Uh, now that's not on the menu.
And cut.
I've never felt better in my life than when Juan actually said "good job.
" I mean, I wanted to do a good job.
I hope I did, but I'm not gonna lie.
This has been a tough gig.
Thank you so much-- thank you so much.
Thank you.
It turned out terrific.
I hope so-- I hope you're pleased.
I hope you're happy.
Okay, bye! All right, thanks, Juan.
All right, enjoy Puerto Rico or wherever you're from.
Whatever! I really felt, uh, she was so brave.
Good-bye-- it was a pleasure.
Thank you.
I really watched somebody exercising a different muscle.
I'm so happy you came here.
All right.
You look particularly gorgeous right now.
What? Is it this light? Now, now? I swear.
Mariska Hargitay's got it for me bad.
But, you know, she's a pretty big celebrity, and so, I don't wanna be public about our breakup.
You know, I think it should just play out the way it really plays out.
I'm-- okay, I'm probably gonna release a statement saying that we're not seeing each other anymore, 'cause that's what A-Listers do.
It was great working with you.
You, too.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, no, that's not gonna happen.
That's something for onscreen.
Yeah, go here.
Try again? Yeah, maybe over here.
Bye, doll.
Coming up They all wanted to know if you and I made out.
I said that we did.
Shh here comes one of my big scenes.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
, my God! So after my final scene, I had to hijack Ice- and the D-List crew and have a little fun "Law and Order" style.
I need you to identify this body.
Is this the vic? You all right? Yeah.
Oh, God! Should we check for anal tearing? Yes.
Oh, God, no! It's bad! I could get my fist up there.
What a way to go.
Look, I need you to catch the perp.
Let's do that.
It stinks.
Tom, you can't laugh-- you're dead.
He's not-- look, he's not an actor, okay? So, I finished up on "SVU" and I'm headin' back to L.
, But before I do, of course, I have to swing by Liza's.
I gotta thank her-- she was great.
Hy at m )I' he.
I' hey, what-what-what? I come bearing gifts.
What happened-- what happened? Look-look-- Tiffany.
Ooh, Tiffany, baby! Yeah, that's right.
It must've gone well.
Yeah, all right, carnations.
Oh, red carnations are my favorite.
No, please, can you please explain this to me? What-what? All the awards and the Oscars and the Tony's, carnations? I just love 'em.
Carnations? But they're so pretty-- but they're only 20 bucks! Honey I love them when they're all jammed together in a bowl.
They're just so happy-- come on.
I was gonna do the $500 full on with the-- all right, fine.
Nicole, take these.
All right-- Nicole, will you take this? What is this? I don't know.
It's from Tif-- okay, I'm gonna be honest.
Um, it's-- technically, it's what's called a "re-gift.
" Huh? Well, someone gave it to me, and I'm re-gifting it to you, but it's from Tiff-- Nicole! It's expensive, look.
Wow! It's a, uh, it's a-- I don't like it, either.
You can re-gift it.
I can re-gift it? Yes! Okay.
I'm trying to teach you how to be a celebrity.
Oh, thank you-- ha ha! All right, I have so much to tell you.
First of all, the cast was beyond fantastic.
Oh, I know.
I mean, they were patient with me, nurturing, and just instinctively would know when to goof around with me, but when to pull me aside and be serious.
I gotta tell ya.
It was like truly one of the greatest experiences of my life, because-- oh, honey, I'm so glad.
Yeah-- by the way, they all wanted to know if you and I made out, and I told 'em-- Ahhh! I-I said that we did.
Oh, come on, Kathy! Come on, I-- you got a cd comin' out! I got books to sell.
Liza's laugh is infectious.
So infectious, I might need a SARS mask.
But I love it.
All right-- thank you, very much.
Honey, I love you.
I love you-- you're awesome.
I'm back in L.
, and tonight is the premiere of my episode of "Law and Order, SVU.
" So, of course, I'm gonna go watch with my mom at her new place.
All right, mom-- you all ready? Dum-dum.
A lot of people are-are watching this.
I passed the word around.
No, I know that I've finally done a job that you're watching.
That's right.
Oh, shh here comes one of my big scenes! Not like you do I promise.
Let's get somethin' to eat, okay? Oh, oh, oh-- oh, my God! That's not on the menu.
Oh, my God! Oh, they cut it.
They cut the kiss! They showed me goin' in and then, they just showed her pull away.
Oh, why would they do that? I kiss you longer, in person.
Maybe it's coming-- maybe it's coming.
That was it.
Well, there go my lesbian ticket sales.
Maybe they didn't feel it was real looking enough? Were you into it? You know? I think I used a little tongue.
Maybe I broke a tooth? No, I don't say broke a tooth.
You're looking at me like I should feel guilty.
Well, I-I'm wondering.
We did fine when we were practicing it.
Well, I didn't use tongue on you-- that's weird.
No, I know-- well, I probably wish you wouldn't have used it there either.
So my big A-List moment, my lesbian kiss, has been cut out, D-List style.
And it turns out that my mother thinks it's my fault.
Why? She assumes I'm a bad lesbian kisser.
Look, I've never kissed , but let me tell you something, if I decide to, I'm gonna know what the I'm doin'.
I think if it wasn't right, it would be more on your part than Mariska.
She's such a good actress, where you-you-you don't quite do that kind of acting, really, you know Can I just thank the Lord Jesus that you're not on the Emmy voting panel.