Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (2005) s06e03 Episode Script

Freezing My A-List Off

Super stunning, super sexy.
I think it's time for me to get an A-list makeover for my house.
Ah! They took the bar away.
Kathy! I have many obsessions.
One of them happens to be Toddler pageants.
It's cold! Beauty is pain, darlin'.
I know it's shamed-based, but this is the happiest day of my life.
When you're livin' life on the D-list Freezing My A-List Off Oh, this is so Juicy.
I cannot, cannot even write this (Deleted, that Sarah Palin met with Mark Burnett, the creator of "Survivor," to do a realty series.
Please, o lord, sweet Jesus, let this be real.
Let it happen.
She really is the gift that keeps on giving, right? She says stupid, crazy every day.
She is like the Brittany Spears of politics.
company meeting.
So I have some news.
What's up? You know how every year we go on exciting trips, right? We've gone to? Jamaica.
Yes! And Bora-Bora.
Yes.
Well, we're going on another team Griffin trip, because-- ooh! Is it tropical? Like Hawaii? Wasilla, Alaska.
It's in Alaska.
Yeah, that's right, Alaska.
I'll book a gig anywhere.
East bum , South bum , any of the bum , and also let's not forget It's the home of my lover, Levi.
As you know, I've fallen in love with Levi Johnston.
Okay, but you're saying that, like it was something I did for publicity.
Çtiffany) Of course not.
Thank you.
Levi and I first met last summer at the Teen Choice Awards.
Okay, wait-- quick refresher.
This is the Palin family tree.
That's Sarah, and next to Sarah is her dl husband, Todd.
Sarah and Todd had five children, but I only care about the one that went and got herself knocked up.
Bristol, brillo-- who the hell cares.
Let's just say it's the oldest one-- whatever.
So here's the babydaddy Levi Johnston, and here's me with Levi-- get the picture? If Sarah were allowed to shoot humans, then my ass would be hanging on her wall, maybe holding a microphone.
Did you see this cover of "Playgirl?" Yeah.
He didn't show the-- Johnston? Yeah? He will.
Um, so I'm gonna call Levi.
You have his number.
Yep.
By the way, Tiffany learn from the master, 'cause what I'm gonna show you now, is called "game.
" I'll be your wing woman.
Yeah-- got it.
Honey? Hello.
Sweetheart? What's' up, doll? Uh-huh? I'm gonna be honest, I miss you.
Well, I miss you, too.
I don't know if you're aware of this, but I have booked a gig at the Anchorage Performing Arts Center.
I'm comin' to your town.
I'm comin' to your igloo.
It's our time.
All right.
Okay, I don't know if you're playing hard to get, but you don't sound very enthusiastic.
You know me.
I keep getting call waiting, and I'm nervous it's Todd Palin.
Ah, hey-- you ain't got to worry about that guy.
Oh! Oops! Honey? I'm sorry.
There goes my engagement! I was trying to ignore call waiting.
And you hung up on him? You know what? It's gonna make him want me more.
Yep-- playing hard to get.
Now your hanging up on me.
That was our first fight.
Well, I can't wait to see you, and you know there's only one thing that can keep me warm in those temperatures, and that's your loving arms.
Ah, yeah-- i'm excited.
I can tell by the tone of your voice, you son-of-a-bitch! All right- I'll see you then.
All right, thanks.
All right, cool.
Bye.
What's going on? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm going to Alaska to find love.
To find love, in that outfit? Yeah, Levi's gonna want me.
It's awful.
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
You're gonna freeze your legs.
I think it's-it's all functional.
I-I-I just don't think it's kind of the right outfit.
I don't-- I don't know.
Mother, it's the new me-- I'm rugged.
Now that I'm with Levi, everything's different.
Oh-- come here, doggie.
The love of your life.
Yeah-- going to Wasilla.
Wow! I will say, everybody says, ah, Alaska's very beautiful.
I don't know about musilla.
Is that word is "musilla?" Yeah-- it's a, it's a digestive drink for older people.
Musilla, Alaska-- that's where I'm going.
Oh, my gosh! And what do you think about Levi-- go.
Levi? Gorgeous.
Zero.
Sensitive.
Zero.
Hidden intellectual.
Zero.
Adores me.
He adored Bristol, too-- uh-huh! Then he dropped her like a hot potato.
Wow, Dr.
Phil-- take it down a notch.
Well, I knew I was gonna get a little guff from my mom, because she loves her Sarah Palin, but I had no idea it was gonna be this bad.
It's never gonna last.
Yes, it is.
Why would you say that? How old is he? He's like 19, maybe 20.
Or 40.
He's either 19 or 40-- I'm not sure which one.
So you're a cougar? Yeah, what about that? I'm a cougar.
Oh, a cougar.
That's the thing now to be.
Thank you.
All right well.
It's the thing to be.
I'll speak to you further.
Okay, all right-- I would like you to be, uh Polite to Sarah, 'cause she's gettin' it from all sides.
Her! All right, we're just gonna pack and-and get moving.
We can get you a plane ticket, mom.
Well, I-I just don't think I could do it.
Just be careful on the, ah, Iditarod.
Oh, oh See? It's like Levi kissing you.
He'll get in your like face and make you sneeze.
I'm gonna go upstairs and get some-- all right.
Found a hat for you.
You'll survive.
Okay, all right-- take care now.
You know what-- Levi'll teach me.
Ah, he's a sharp, yeah.
We're in Alaska? Holy crap-- it is cold! I mean, I've got balls, but the place just might freeze them off.
Remember when we went to Bora-Bora? And Mexico? And Mexico-- this is the opposite.
Yeah.
My show's in three days, which gives me a little time to see Sarah Palin's Alaska, and maybe stir up a little trouble.
Well, of course, the first thing I wanna do, is hop in the car and head to Wasilla, or as Levi calls it "vasilla.
" what are the things you guys want to do, when we're here? Find a man.
Well, the ratio is like ten to one here, I think.
Find me a lumberjack.
Ladies' day, every Thursday.
See, I'm tellin' you, Tiffany, this is our demographic.
Wasilla, we're here! Ooh! Oh, I'm definitely on board with finding Tiffany a guy, but we'll have to do that later, 'cause, right now, i'm on my way to see my future baby-daddy, and make some sweet, sweet love.
All right-- so I'm gonna ditch you guys.
Have fun! That-that is yellow snow-- I know it.
Oh, I hope Levi doesn't just pee here.
Well, this is my new home.
Honey, I'm home! Come on-- give me a little sugar, huh? Hey! I missed you.
I was just-- I've missed you desperately.
All right-- let me see your world.
Yeah.
Who's this? That-that's my boy.
That's tripp-- oh! Under a dead animal, Levi-- he's too young.
I'm gonna cover his eyes.
He's too young to see this.
All right-- where we going? Is this our room? This is our room.
Okay, this is where it's all going down.
I like the fireplace down below.
And that-that has nothing to do with-- I don't mean myself.
Don't get me wrong-- there's a fire down there, but this is very nice.
Oh, Christ! Thank God I'm not a member of PETA.
I don't think they'd be totally supportive of this .
What's the story behind this? I shot that one last year.
No, you're kidding-- you're making that up? You bought this at Walmart.
No, I shot it.
You shot I? Okay, so there's a lot of dead animals.
What kind of bird is that? That's a pheasant.
It's like in an action move.
Like it might still have one more shot at one last flight.
Yeah, somethin'.
Now, if we get into a fight, are you gonna stuff me? And by "stuff me," I think you know what I'm talkin' about.
Uh Levi is a man of few words very few.
I mean, he talks, sometimes.
You know, "give it to me, ma'am.
" "May I put it in you, ma'am.
" He's polite.
All right, so, show me your town! All right.
I wanna walk in Levi's boots.
All right, now, am I-- am I dressed appropriately for-- no, actually, I-I'm not so sure I wanna take you out in my town wearing that stuff.
What do you mean? This ain't Hollywood.
This is like ugg boots and a wolf tail around your neck.
You probably will get cold in that.
I will-- oh, Levi.
Should I grab the bear, and just wear it? Coming up So I'm a little nervous for my life.
I'm standing on top of a Lake.
Oh, my god-- I almost fell in! Kind of excited to be in the now infamous "Wasilla, Alaska.
" I wanna see what it's like.
Let's cut the -- I wanna see Sarah Palin.
I'm in Wasilla-- I will find her.
All right-- I have a genuine question.
When I do my show Friday night, how hard can I be on Sarah? Like will the audience "boo" me or how much-- well, a lot of 'em of here are do like Sarah, but, you know, a lot of them don't.
I really don't know how the hometown crowd is gonna react to my Palin material.
I'm just hoping that all those tea partiers are actually at home in their igloos brewing tea.
Well, I'm just gonna go for it, the way I normally would, because I've been booed off stages before.
This wouldn't be my first time.
Well, if you do, I'll be back laughin', so it's okay.
Okay, good! It'll be all right.
Levi, you're the only one who gets me.
All right-- this is city hall? Yep.
Now we're not gonna get married today.
You're going a little fast for me, Levi.
That's how I work.
Hi-- how you doing? Hi, kathy-- how are you? So this is city hall, little library.
All right, is there a Sarah Palin museum? No-- not that I'm aware of.
That's a made-up thing? I thought there was a whole museum with like a wax figure and dolls.
We have a city council chambers here-- is this where Sarah Palin-- was-was this her office when she was mayor? Upstairs was.
Really? Can I run for mayor if I lived here? You have to be a registered voter, and you have to live here at least a year.
How long? All right-- I have to relocate for a year.
Do you want to go up to the mayor's office? Yes, of course! It's right up the stairs here.
hi, it's me, Kathy Griffin, to see the mayor.
But a meeting that can top this excitement? All right, it's me, Kathy Griffin.
By the way, I just wanna say nice touch that the mayor has the Victoria secret catalog right in his office.
It's a small town.
Ain't much to do I'm sure they love me being here.
They probably watch your house from-- they probably do.
He can't come out to see me? He can't.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Well, thank you.
I'm doing a show Friday night at the Anchorage pac.
Performing arts center.
All right I'll let him know.
It's gonna be very funny.
Okay.
Is the mayor of Wasilla really too busy to see me, or is he just Off to his mail again? May I take the Victoria secret catalog? Yeah, you can have it.
All right-- thank you.
Well, it was good to get a sale on a bikini.
There you go.
All right.
Got shut down by the mayor, but we got a Victoria secret catalog.
hello! Hi! How are you doing? Good-- how are you doing? I'm kathy-- great to meet you.
So, specifically, I would like to see Sarah Palin memorabilia? Okay Or historic artifacts.
Okay um, well about the only thing that we have here is a t-shirt.
It has the city seal with the home of Sarah Palin on it.
All right-- I was thinking more of a bobble-head, or what about a small, miniature helicopter with a gun? You know, with a small moose attached by a string? Nope.
No? Sorry.
How about a bump-it? No.
'Cause she does her hair in a way that I couldn't do.
I mean, some sort a-- that is true.
Topsy-tail-- okay, all right.
All right-- sorry-- that's all I can do for you.
And, okay, I will tell you that my mother, Maggie Griffin, um, watches fox news Is a big fan of Sarah Palin's, so I will get one for her.
Okay! What size do you need? Well, now, if it's for my mom, than as long as it can sustain some wine stains, any size will be fine.
Okay.
So, you know what-- I'll take two mediums.
Okay.
How about that? All right-- here we go.
Also, I wanted you to know, that I'm also mounting a grass-roots campaign-- it's kind of like the tea party-- okay! To have a new slogan for the state of Alaska which is, "Alaska! Love it or suck it!" I-I'm not saying it's gonna take off today.
I'm saying it's, uh-- what-- now, what is actual slogan for Alaska? Well, our state motto is "north to the future.
" Whatever-- I like yours better.
It's a grass-roots movement.
Right-- well, good luck to ya! Thank you, very much.
All right-- thanks so much-- have a great day! All righty-- you, too-- bye.
Well, I've now walked through Wasilla like I'm in sarah Palin's uggs, but I haven't found her, yet.
So it's time for me, ah, well, as Sarah would say, "lock and load, and get loaded up "and everybody's in my sights.
" That house there? Can you believe it.
Here I am walking up to sarah Palin's front door.
Levi stayed behind.
He wasn't worried about any kind of run-in, I was gonna have with Sarah Palin, personally.
I think he just, you know, didn't wanna get shot.
It looks empty.
I'm coming to invite them to my show.
Well, maybe I can leave a note.
I'll get a pen and paper, and I'll leave a note.
All right-- leaving a note.
"Dear Palins who are 18 years or older, mostly Sarah.
"I'm doing a funny comedy show Friday night "at the anchorage performing arts center.
"Come see me.
"I'll even comp you or at least a two-pher.
"Xoxo, Kathy Griffin.
" All right-- I can't be nicer than that.
Apparently, they've gone fishing, so I'll leave this nice note.
Bye, Sarah.
See ya at the show.
Well, I ended up not spending any time with Sarah Palin.
You know, I thought we'd be kickin' it at her compound.
You know, maybe have a three-way with bill o'riley, something-- none of that happened.
So, instead, I decided to go ice fishing.
Is it okay with you if Tom and tiff come with us? I don't care.
Did you just spit into a bottle? Yeah.
I can tell you have a guilty tone, because you know what you're doing is disgusting.
You just spit-- what is that? You want me to swallow it? I-I don't even know what it is, and I don't wanna know.
It's copenhagen-- golly! Cop-copenhagen.
Copenhagen.
All right.
Now when do we get to the Lake part, 'cause that would scare me.
Definitely there.
All right, so I'm a little nervous for my life.
I'm standing on top of a Lake, which I believe goes against nature.
That's my buddy, Chad.
How's it going? Hi, Chad.
Nice to meet you.
Kathy, great to meet you.
My lover, Levi, has taken me ice fishing or fish running or ice machining.
I'm not sure what it is, but this is, this is, here's the deal: Fish out of water.
Now my tour manager, Tom, and my assistant, Tiffany, are gonna come.
I'm scared for my life.
All right-- so how thick is the ice, Chad? About three and a half feet right now.
All right-- so let's go-- ooh! Oh, my God! You almost fell in.
I almost fell in.
Okay, where are the holes drilled, because I might-- this is like princess Diana and the minefields.
smile! Pull that.
Yeah.
Just give a pull.
Yeah, if this falls on my leg, w-were both, you know, legless.
All right-- so, go ahead.
That's the gas.
Right there.
That's very romantic.
By the state of Alaska, you guys are married.
Okay.
All right-- that was really fun! He talks about you all the time.
I know.
It's inappropriate, Chad.
I know.
It's actually kind of scary-- I'm too much woman.
I'm too much woman for him.
Oh, hi, Levi.
You're hittin' on my girl, huh? Uh-hmm.
Tiff, there we go.
Can you handle it? Yeah, I can.
Show me the technique.
Shall we do the old classic like the 50s golf movie, and you're behind me trying to hit on me? Just Do it.
All right-- I'm in no mood.
All right.
So go ahead, tiger-- show me your moves.
You give it a little pop up-- let it down.
Keep it smooth.
I could really get used to this.
After spending the day ice fishing, um, I-I actually want to get knocked up Just out of sheer boredom.
Can we go to the mall? Sounds good.
Holding Levi close, feeling my heart beating against him, i realized this is where I'm meant to be For three days, and then get me the Out of here! Coming up Go, go, go, go, go! So I'm gonna confess-- I have not seen these photos, yet.
Ooh, whoa! That's your ass.
Don't act like you haven't seen it.
I need to ask to ask you about the expresso shack.
Espresso hut Um, just a quick question.
Espresso or meth? I can't-- or do you like get a shot of, like, I'll take a latte, non-fat shot of meth or just, and some cinnamon, and some cinnamon.
I've been dying to try one of these little espresso shacks or meth labs.
Hi! Hi-- we're here to get some coffee for Sarah Palin.
Okay.
No, we're not-- it's me, Kathy Griffin.
Um, okay, so we're freezing.
May I please have some sort of a cappuccino with shots of espresso for energy, non-fat, blah, blah, blah-- do your thing.
We want it very Alaskan.
Whatever a typical Alaskan would have.
So I'm standing there getting my coffee fix at the coffee shack, and then, who walks up? It looks like Alaska's royal family or something.
Hi, my Kathy.
I found my Queens and bears.
Ah, you know what? I like bears more than you know.
It's a whole other meaning.
All right-- so I see tiaras which I love, and I see banners.
Is there like a dance or a mixer or something? Oh, absolutely! Oh, yes, there's the miners and trappers ball tomorrow night.
Miners and trappers? I am seeing Chris Hansen from dateline, but that's just me.
But of course, the cornerstone event, the world championship sled dog race.
If you go to Alaska, it's all about the iditarod.
It's this huge dog sled race that goes on for days and it goes from anchorage to nome, miles and miles, and by the way, how hard can it be? It's like a sleigh ride.
I mean, cartoons can do it.
I figured what the hell-- i can do this.
Buddy system.
Just on a much more scaled down, you know, less iditarody level.
They can't wait to get going.
Hi, how are you-- Kathy, nice to meet you.
This is our dogs.
And here's, Wilma.
Hi, Wilma! This is beautiful.
Hello! This one's ran iditarod in the past.
Oh, my goodness! So, what do I need to know? Enjoy the ride.
Yeah.
Whee, that's great.
Right through here, guys.
Oh, my gosh-- this is great.
Did you see them pooping? It's hysterical.
They run and they start going like this.
You guys did a good job! You did a great job! Whoo, a girl gets awfully tired after doing it doggy-style.
Time for a good meal with my Levi.
Hi! Hey! Thank you.
I gotta get this thing off.
Feel free to take your shirt off, too, and, you know, wax yourself up a little bit.
Maybe some body butter.
Hey, look who's here.
Oh, yes-- let's party.
How you doing? Good to see you, tank.
You too.
Tank is Levi's publicist, manager, bodyguard, kind of like Levi's big, black Maggie.
So, tank, let me ask you.
I thought it was really interesting that Sarah Palin famously went on Oprah, and I felt like she made a jab about like calling him "ricky Hollywood.
" I just think it's interesting that she keeps really insisting that she taking the high road saying, "let's dial it down," but she's really not.
If she feels that you've wronged her, she will come after you, and that there's tons of people here in Alaska that can attest to that.
But how, how did you get the balls to just not be afraid of all that? I just go out there and do my thing.
You know, you got to give it to this kid.
He's fearless.
He's not afraid to take on the Palins.
He's not afraid to take on the republican party.
I can't imagine the pressure he's been under.
I like that Levi.
So, tank, you tell me how was the Playgirl thing? Was it good? Did it, kind of, do what you wanted it to do? I mean, it sold out in San Francisco.
Sorry, I didn't-- I can just hear you say "back-ordered" in association with his pictures all day long.
Ah, no.
Chad, does that ring a bell? No.
Have you ever backordered Levi? Are you sure, 'cause I know it's cold out there.
Pretty positive.
How did you feel about his Playgirl spread? Hell, no! 'Cause you've seen the real thing in person? No.
Are you sure, Chad? Okay-- yeah.
All right, so, team Griffin, how do you feel about moving here? Well, hold on-- there's a few requirements.
Tiffany is looking for a boyfriend who she describes as "caramel macchiato," like you're ordering in the coffee bar.
Oh, you mean, light skin-- you want barack Obama.
So what we can do, we can have a contest, find her a date.
I'm the bachelorette now.
Yeah! When do you wanna come? Tomorrow-- yup, tomorrow.
This is gonna be fun.
After lunch, we headed back to the hotel to do a little press.
"Playgirl magazine" flew a reporter all the way from new york to interview Levi.
How you doing? Although I think he just kind of wanted to look at Levi.
He is dreamy.
So why anchorage-- why did he end up in Anchorage? I, of course, missed Levi because, you know, the long-distance relationship is hard.
I missed him, too.
I'm actually-- I never told you this, 'cause this is mushy-- but I'm actually super proud of him, because our conversations have changed about the gay community.
From the very first day I met him, he was kind of acting like, "oh, I don't know about gay people," and now, he is like, "I don't have no problem with gay people.
" That's my impression of you, by the way.
It's not very good.
Well, I don't have no problem with gay people.
Well, one of the many things that have, you know, I've grown up and it doesn't bother me anymore.
I think it's quite a story.
Did you see the actual layout yet? Have you seen it, yet? No, I'm gonna confess.
I have not seen these photos, yet.
Wow, I think it's about time, right? All right-- you have a seat here, denny.
Schooch over.
Whoa! I know-- I'm like, "okay-- where's the, uh? There it is-- there starts the "spread.
" All right.
There's the look he uses to get me to go to bed early.
It like, "enough, Kathy, with watching Oprah.
"It's time for us to do your real job.
" All right-- and this is-- what happened-- your shirt fell? Something like that.
Like it fell off one of the hooks? And onto your Johnston.
That's right.
Whoa! What's going on here? That's the hockey shot-- so, that was pretty fun, actually! That's your ass.
That's an ass.
Don't act like you haven't seen it.
All right, I just-- I almost spanked just a picture.
All right-- that interview was fun, but now, it's time to get back to work.
I've got a book signing at a "borders" in Anchorage, and you know what? Why not bring along Levi? He can sign his "Playgirls"-- i can sign my books.
But first Levi needs to be shown "you don't just sign.
"You make it special.
" All right, look-- I'd like to practice a signing.
Okay.
Because I'm a pro.
So the deal is that you sign your name.
You're quick and cordial, but you can't spend a long time with everyone.
Uh-hmm.
Or else than the gays at the end of the line are pissed, and you do not want an angry gay army.
That doesn't sound fun.
No.
All right-- so, here you go-- here's the sharpie.
All right-- I'm gonna be a fan.
Please sign my "Playgirl"-- uh, sleep-sleep with me.
I'm a man and I want you to sleep with me, right now.
You just sign it and let it go? Say "thank you.
" Thank you.
Take your clothes off.
I'm a gay man-- take your clothes off, right now.
Thank you.
I'm a new gay guy.
Hey, girl, what's up? All right, I wanna shave your ass.
Please come to my house and have sex with me, now.
Thank you.
What do-- what's your-- what's your favorite color? All right-- I'm a totally new gay guy.
What's up-- I'm a bear.
I like hairy dudes, and I like you.
Come over to my house and have sex with me now.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm a twink.
I just did a bunch of crystal meth and I'm really into you.
I think you're really great, and can't wait to get my first stubble.
Come over to my house and have sex with me right now.
Let's go.
All right-- you got it.
There's a system.
All right.
You got it down.
Now it's off to "borders" for the book signing.
It is with great pleasure that I introduce our guest, just all-around, fabulous person and entertainer, she's got a very special guest for you guys-- Kathy Griffin.
Hello, hello! Where's the mic? Getting the microphone.
Hey, everybody! Oh, It! All right, look-- here's how we're gonna do it.
Ah, hi, everybody! All right, everybody, thank you, so much, for coming.
I brought a very special date, my lover, Levi Johnston.
Come on.
You know, he's one of yours, and will sign and, you know, get a picture with everybody, and of course, get a picture with Levi 'cause that's some good stuff.
And he's gonna be signing copies of his "book" Called "Playgirl" if you happened to have one.
And I can't wait to meet all you.
Thank you.
Thank you, very much, for coming.
This book may not be appropriate for you quite, yet.
Levi, I'm very disappointed they're not selling your magazine.
Is Levi not allowed to sign his mags? What's going on? Well, the bookstore won't let him sign his "Playgirl magazines" there, which is kind of lame, but I'm not gonna let the fans down.
So I've decided he is signing his Johnston right along with mine.
Thank you, very much.
Hey, how are you doing? Let's take a picture.
Hi.
Thank you, so much.
So we're going along with the signing, then all of a sudden, this guy whips out a "Playgirl," and he wants the Johnston-- he wants a signature.
Leave it to a good gay to break the rules.
Oh, yeah, the sexy just kept on coming.
Can you please sign that? Suck it, haters! Wait, wait, wait, all friends are chicken , so We came from the bush of the Alaska, and took two planes to get here.
Yes.
Check it out.
He wouldn't lick mine, but whatever.
My mom's gonna love it.
We brought a box of wine.
Yeah, we had to bring a box of wine, you know, because you have to tip it.
I love you, Levi.
That's how it's done.
All right.
You got to give the gays what they want.
Sign, show them piece of your ass, not too much.
Wasn't bad-- it was fun.
It was good.
Coming up Tonight we're finding some love for Tiffany.
This is not looking great for Tiffany.
Congratulations-- the rose goes to This is gonna be great.
I'm scared.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
That's what's gonna make it fun, is that you're scared, and we don't know what's gonna happen.
So tank decided to set up a whole contest to find tiffany a date, which is great if you're into pimping out your assistant, which I am today.
Alaska's hot hits, 92.
9, you know what? Usually when I'm in here, I can't pay people to come and hang out in the studio with me, but low and behold, Kathy griffin is in the studio! Whoo! I crashed the party once again.
Not invited-- on the D-list for a reason.
You're an emmy winner right now.
Double, double emmy winner.
Double, back-to-back, you're not "D-list" any more.
I'm thrilled about doing the show here.
I can't tell you.
That's not what we're really here about.
What are you here about? You know, my lovely assistant, Tiffany rinehart, 25-years-old, is looking for love.
And aren't we all, aren't we all? And yet, she's kind of got a specific kind of love she's looking for.
Really? Yeah-- she does not discriminate.
We wanna be clear-- she's open to all types Although when asked to describe her dream boyfriend she describes him as "caramel macchiato.
" Well-- all right, and then that's where my pal, tank Jones, takes over.
Tank, what's the plan? The plan is tonight at 8:00 P.
M.
at the office lounge.
Listen up, Anchorage and Anchorage adjacent.
She's looking for a tiger-woods-type.
Without the hoes and the alleged addictions.
Or, ah, Chris brown without the beaded Chris brown, minus creepy town.
You got junk in the trunk? Oh, yeah, it's junk-- I'm telling ya.
So, Tiffany, do I fit? Is there a chance for-for large to be in your life? It's already starting, tiff.
Tiffany's mad at me.
Why is Tiffany mad at you? Because we're forcing her to be the bachelorette in, ah, Anchorage.
Hey, what's going on? Hi, Tiffany.
This is as good as you get? You look good.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
You sprung this on me, so I didn't pack the proper clubbin' attire.
You're saying you don't have your "whore wear.
" Yeah.
All right-- let's face it.
Tiffany's a little bit of a cranky bachelorette.
Levi Johnston, love doctor.
Ladies! Luckily, we have love doctor in the house.
He's gonna give her some tips.
All right, so somehow, Levi Johnston is giving you love advice.
Yeah-- I need to know about Alaskan men.
Okay, let's say for example that you are a light-skinned brother from the Anchorage area, and Tiffany is coming up to you.
What would be a good thing for Tiffany to mention to you or It's all about that outfit.
Yeah, I think that's what's gonna get 'em.
Sit up straight-- I can practically see your nipple.
Well, that's what they're lookin' for.
So it's about showin' the nipples.
You're supposed to give her Alaska advice.
That is-- that'll work.
Okay, well, hold on-- I have some Alaskan tips.
You might learn something, Levi.
So, first of you, you can go up to a gentleman and you could say, "the Alaskan state motto "is 'north to the future.
'" right? Yeah, and he'll turn you down.
That's not a pick up line.
What if you point to his penis and go, "north to the future.
" You have to point to his penis.
You can talk about the new state motto.
"Love it or suck it?" What's with the gang sign? Wow, caramel macchiato, frappuccino.
Or you could talk about the state bird which is the Ptarmigan.
You could say my Is like a fresh-flying Ptarmigan.
Yeah, with wings, baby.
And guess what-- it's huntin' season.
All right-- now how soon until she gives her first hand-job? The sooner, the better, usually.
Really? Yeah.
And I should drop something.
Yeah, your pants.
Drop your pants, stick your boobs out.
All right-- we have a plan.
I feel good about this.
I don't-- I don't feel good.
Let's go, bachelorette! Lord, help me.
This is gonna be great.
Look at this place.
This is where dreams are made.
Thank you, Levi.
See how great it is to have a boyfriend? We're here.
What's up, everybody.
Tonight, we're finding some love for Tiffany, and it's true-- she is sexual napalm.
So I've heard-- that's right.
Now, I understand that we have four contestants vying for her love tonight.
Brad.
Where's Chris? Chris.
Hi, Chris.
Where's James? James.
Comes here, james-- make yourself known.
And where's Mike.
Mike, I'm glad you dressed up.
Mike, it's not a scrimmage.
You're trying to find love.
All right, this is not looking great for Tiffany.
I don't see any caramel macchiato, frappuccino, venti, whatever the She's looking for.
This is a pitiful turnout.
All right, tiffany-- ah, this looks very promising.
Can I get a drink? Tiffany would like a lot of alcohol quickly.
Now we have a simple q and a.
Brad, what are you looking for in a woman? Ah, a heartbeat.
She's got that.
Try not to poke her, yet.
All right, and do you have a j-o-b.
No.
How old are you? I'm 23.
A little hostile.
You might want to take it down a notch.
What are you lookin' for in a woman, Alaska style? Alaska style? Yeah.
Well, she's got to have the dark hair and the dark eyes, that sexual, sensual qualities.
Hey, shut the Up back there.
I'm sorry-- I didn't mean to curse.
Thanks for dressing up.
Yeah.
Yeah, because I-I care.
Oh, ouch! All right, so I think the gentlemen should show us their moves.
Tiffany wouldn't even dance with anyone, so guess who volunteered? I'll be the dance partner, and then, the advisory board will meet, and we'll mae our decision.
Good luck, fellas.
Now, I'm Tiffany's Wing man.
So she's slammin' 'em back, and I'm dancing with these guys, not that they don't want it.
To our remaining contestants, you each have 15 seconds to make your plea to Tiffany about why you should go home and bang her tonight.
I don't know, I want to-- all right, Chris, you have 15 seconds on the clock to make your case to Tiffany, and it starts, right now.
Take the mic.
Take the mic? Rock it! Well, Tiffany, I would like to go on a date with you.
You're not only beautiful, but I'm also beautiful.
Good job.
All right, James, top that.
Hey, sing her a song, James.
That's-that's just what I was gonna say.
A song would be better.
I think you're beautiful, as well, but the closer I .
Reminder, I'm still on the D-list.
So no-- there's no way we can afford to sing "the closer I get to you" by Roberta flack and Tommy hathaway.
And now the advisory board will make our decision within one drink.
This is not how it goes on bachelorette, at all.
This is great.
That's because your drunk.
All right-- so what is your heart telling you? This is the most serious decision of your life, Tiffany.
Yeah-- I think so, too.
Whoever you pick, I think you should marry.
You should think about who you wanna marry.
Yeah, let's get serious here? After much deliberation and much Tequila, a choice was made.
And now, Tiffany, congratulations! The rose goes to Yeah! This has been a great success.
We found Tiffany a new husband, James, and if she keeps putting those drinks away by the end of the night, James could look a little bit like t.
I.
-- Bottoms up! Coming up I will talking some About Sarah Palin! She's going down harder than Todd at a trappers' and miners' ball.
Well, after our not-so-successful version of "the bachelorette," I needed to find my people, and lots of them.
How's it going, sexy? My God, a gay bar in Anchorage.
There was barely standing room or fisting room.
Hi, gays! How the Are you? This is so great.
We were at a bar a few minutes ago, which was great, but it was little on the hetero side for me.
I asked Levi to take me someplace where I would be more comfortable, and he thought I would be more comfortable here for some reason.
Levi, what would you like to say to the gays? I love ya.
I'm excited because tonight is my sold-out show in Anchorage, and I was, you know, boning up on Levi, but also about what makes them laugh.
I think I've a lot of good local material for them.
Hey, guys! But I can always use more.
So I sent Tom out to do some recon.
And get some crazy thing you did, before you-- not too crazy-- we just drank some red boxed wine.
Ooh! Pre-gamed a little.
Check, check-- okay, good! Hey, Tom, what did you get? You got some people, doin' the "maggie.
" They've drinkin' a lot of boxed wine.
So there's people tippin' it? Couple people were coming from willow.
Willow? Like willow Palin-- comfortable.
You know, that may be a good way to get into just taking their temperature about how much I can talk about Sarah Palin.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm My pants about doing this show.
I'm gonna be making fun of Sarah Palin on her turf.
I might be booed out of this joint-- I don't know.
Kiss on cheek-- walk back.
Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, the hilarious, kathy Griffin! Hello, anchorage-- how the Are you? So we've been doing the D-list here for a few days, and, you know, I've been with Levi-- I'm still sore.
I'm still sore.
You know, I mean, he's 19-years-old, and I'm, you know, 34 and a half.
All right-- i am so fascinated by all things Sarah Palin and all the Palins.
You know, I can't even make fun of the town "willow," 'cause then, it's like you're in the David letterman thing where you're makin' fun of willow Palin, and That .
Here we go, Alaska.
Here we go.
I will be talking some About Sarah Palin tonight! She's going down harder than Todd at a trappers' and miners' ball.
Oh, in your face, Wasilla.
You know, she was so famous as governor, you know, when John mccain picked her after meeting her for ten minutes, that must have been some blowjob.
Um, whoa-- I went there, Alaska.
You guys, you have been so fantastic.
Good-night, Anchorage! Alaska was great, but you know, i can't just have sex with Levi Johnston all day.
I'm going to have to put Levi's penis on ice.
I gotta get home Back to L.
A.
to see my mom and my doggies.
Here-- I brought you some souvenirs.
Oh, my gosh! There you go.
Oh, my, and, I-- you have a Sarah Palin t-shirt.
I-I can wear this? Well, I won't be excited about it.
My relationship with Levi is still going strong.
Oh, really? That's-that's really thrilling to hear, you know.
What if you could hide your emotions? I can't.
One Palin t-shirt down, another one to give away.
Mmm, what could I possibly do with it? Hey, Lauren.
Next week on "my life on the D-list" She's gonna teach you how to be a brand.
Let's say we were gonna do sort of a wearable blanket for People that like a boxed wine and don't want to be judged.
I'm gettin' screwed.
You are gettin' screwed on this.
You ever fake an orgasm with your husband? I'm not wearing this.
All right-- give me fierceness.
I want two faces-- You or Me.
To learn more about "my life on the D-list" go to bravotv.
Com.