Kenan (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

Dating App


Hey, hey, hey!
Stop that. Stop it!
What are y'all doing, man?
It's 3:00 in the morning!
You can't be fryin'
and blendin' and what-not-in'.
My bad, dog. We try to keep it down.
- This is Lisa.
- Hey.
I'm sorry too but he just had to try
- my famous tequila smoothie.
- Mm-hmm.
And did y'all have to try
my special maple glaze bacon
from the back of the freezer too?
Kenan, this energy
is not very "impromptu vous."
"Impromptu vous?"
What, are we speaking French now?
What's French for stop scratching up
my Teflon pan with that fork?
Nah, man, "Impromptu Vous"
is the app we met on.
I hit her up at 11:00
and went to a Creole spot.
Then a strip escape room.
And we escaped.
Came back here for some breakfast
and some sex. Sexfast, if you will.
- Y'all did all that tonight?
- Yeah, it's a Saturday night
on "Impromptu Vous,"
- y'know what I mean?
- Hm.
- What'd you get into?
- You don't have to answer that
- if you don't want to.
- Who me? Oh, well,
I swept out the garage.
That was a lot of fun.
And then my littlest one,
Birdie, she caught the hiccups
so I tried to scare them
out of her for like four hours.
My goodness.
And then I went to bed
and caught up on my "Datelines"
and "Nightlines" and "Frontlines."
- Pretty much all my lines.
- Please go to bed.
Yeah, you right. Goodnight.
- He looked tired.
- You know what?
I'ma leave y'all some bacon.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break
up your sexfast. I'm a really nice guy.
It's just that this bacon
is like $50 a strip, you know?
I import it from Canada.
And it's just a lot of shipping costs
and tariff fees and stuff like that.
But you know, I'll put people over money
any day of the week.
- Kenan!
- Goodnight.
Kenan, Kenan!
- That's me!
- Kenan
For tomorrow's school lunch.
Crab legs and olives? Birdie.
Don't judge, I like what I like.
Yeah, man, she's trying
to get her carne swerve on.
Well, Aubrey, can you please
help me with her?
You know what would help with all of this?
- A shopping list.
- She's not wrong.
They see something,
they just gotta have it.
Cotton candy grapes.
Oh, man. That's amazing.
So you're not gonna
wash them off or nothing?
They've been sprayed.
Hey. Can I talk to you about this morning?
Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, man.
I didn't mean to leave that mess.
I feel wrong asking
Lisa to help me clean up.
You know I'm a freak, but I'm a feminist.
- Not that. Not that.
- Okay.
I was thinking like,
maybe I deserve a little fun.
So, I might be ready to get on that app
and "Impromptu Vous" too.
Ooh, well, well, well!
- Welcome to the booty dome!
- Keep your voice down.
Why would you want the profile of somebody
that tells you everything about 'em
before you even go out with them?
Uh, so you know what you're getting into,
like a movie trailer?
Where's the fun in that?
You know what I say? Just enjoy the ride.
Sir, you can't just eat the produce.
Uh, real life, one. The ride, zero.
You know now I understand
why those grapes are so amazing.
They've been touched by an angel.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
That ain't gonna work. Ain't gonna work.
Try one, I dare you.
If I'm wrong, I'll buy
every grape in the store.
- He ain't got no job.
- He don't.
- Oh, that's good.
- Right, you see?
Now, listen, I know of a little Greek place
that serves an even better
grape and feta salad.
And I'd like to take you there.
Uh, Gina.
Okay. Okay, here.
Yeah, just write your number down here.
- He closed, he closed.
- Get outta
- Awesome.
- Call me.
- I'll call ya.
- Oh, uh, what is your name?
- Rick.
- Rick, okay.
I don't know a thing about her.
But I know it's gonna be a hell of a ride.
Well, look at you,
the smoothest cat in produce.
- Give it a go Kenan.
- Oh, yeah, you got this.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, kiss that.
I think I shall. Check this out.
Invite her to the booty dome, playa.
Sir, you cannot do that.
Oh, yeah? Would it change your mind
if I offered to share some with you?
No, Rick said that I
where the hell is Rick?
My own brother? I'm sorry.
It's All right security! You ain't got
oh, he runnin'.
How about a sports segment
about injuries called
"ATL's Greatest ACLs."
Ooh, even the name
makes me tingle in places.
Okay, Pam, I keep telling you
that we can't base
our programming decisions
off your lady tingles.
Well, they picked the last
three Super Bowl winners.
The worst possible thing
you could ever imagine happened.
- Got it!
Morning, Miss Tami.
Apologies for getting ya.
You have a swell day now.
David! Call my lawyer!
Oh! I thought you were gonna say
somebody was checking browser histories.
Oh, my God, you got gotcha-ed
by that tabloid parasite Brett.
Yes, he got a picture of my face.
My un-made-up face.
People love pictures
of women with no makeup.
And by people, I mean Pam.
I am one of those people.
Once he posts those photos I'll be a joke.
I mean, everything I've worked
so hard for will be gone.
I am so sick of this double standard
that women live with every single day.
It's the 21st century
and we still have to cater
to this unrealistic standard of beauty
that keeps women bound in Spanx
and makeup and six inch heels.
- Yeah!
- Both my baby toes are dead.
And they are not coming back
unless you get one of them Jesus toes.
So you know what we gotta do?
Change the system?
Nope, that'll never happen.
We are gonna pay
to get those pictures back.
Oh, thank God.
Yep, it's what Kenan makes me do
every time Brett catches him acting sloppy.
Wake up, Kenan!
- Ahh.
- Hey, Kenan!
I said I would pay
for the chicken, that's my bad.
And Kenan's weak-ass bladder
cost me double.
That dumpster was behind a school!
No. No.
- What about this?
- No.
- Okay, how 'bout that one?
- Hell no.
- Aight, check that one out.
- Oh, no.
Come on, man.
People like to see me in suits.
This is about showing people
your fun side, dog.
Like, look at this, man.
Look at this picture right there.
That says, "Oh, he's fun, sexy
and way too comfortable with his body."
Let's just skip to the profile, man.
Type this.
"I'm a 38-year-old single zaddy.
I ain't here for a long time
but I'm here for a good time."
why are you not typing?
Are your thumbs broke?
I'm sorry, man.
I don't want that on my profile.
I don't want to present myself like that.
Are you sure because
this is how it's done, fam.
- You said you wanted this.
- I do.
But I don't want these women out there
thinking I'm like you.
What up, nerds?
Hey, what's up, Big Rick!
Where you headed to?
Having dinner with Gina. In the real world.
Okay, you know these online dates
don't happen in the phone, right?
- Really?
- Hey, uh
What you mean when you said you don't want
- people to think you like me?
- Oh, nothing, man.
You know, I'm just, you know,
I'm more like a responsible father
that people look up to
in the community, you know?
Like a I'm like a deacon.
- Kind of, and you're like a
- Satan?
No. No, man,
I'm just saying like, you're free.
That's what it is.
You like wild and reckless,
you don't have no responsibilities.
So nobody looks up to you
because, you know, you Gary.
I'm just gonna get some gum,
condoms. I'm out.
All right, have a good night Big Rick!
All right, come on, man,
let's get back to my profile.
Oh, you got this, deacon. You got this.
Y'all go ahead,
wing it from the soul, brother.
Hello, ladies.
38-year-old single girl dad.
Very blessed.
Looking for a night of fun and respect.
No, no.
Mutual respect.
That is the sexiest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
You know what? Let's go ahead
and search for some matches
around the area, see what pops up.
Oh. Ooh, matches already.
Come on now.
- Here we go, phone.
- It's not an eight ball.
Hey, there you go.
One for your boy, I knew it
was coming through.
Look at oh.
No, that's just a reminder
to record "Frontline."
Okay, this is nice. This is nice, man.
Thanks for doing this, man, you know.
A double date kind of makes it
a little easier.
Oh, it's all good, man.
This is my world, you know.
I'm trying not to get too
reckless and ruin it for you.
- Gary.
- Oh, Janay.
Ooh, look at you.
Seems like that algorithm working well
for your brother, right?
Yep, she looks like a very nice match.
For you.
I'm sure my match is in here somewhere.
- Are you Ashley?
- Ashley.
Nice to meet you, I'm Kenan.
R right.
I love your smock?
Ah, it's a frock.
I'm glad we matched.
You're the sweetest man in morning news.
Thank you very much.
So, why don't you catch me up on Ashley?
Well I'm the principal
at St. John's Elementary.
I take care of my grandmother
and I foster skittish chihuahuas.
I've got a pic.
Hey, that's a
that's a lot of teeth.
You know, why don't we just
get y'all some drinks?
Just water for me.
Or as I call it, Earth's cocktail.
Yeah. That's a fun way to talk.
- Uh-huh.
- Real fun.
I guess I don't need a drink either.
Uhh, how's that boring-ass
profile treating you, deacon?
Hey, man, we still trying
to get to know each other.
Question. What the hell is that?
Is she praying over the peanuts?
Yeah. I like this.
- This is going well.
- Yeah?
Hello, Brett.
Well, I'll be!
It's the lovely ladies
of "Wake Up With Kenan."
Don't worry, that one's
just for my personals.
Brett. I have a right
to look amazing in my photos.
And to privacy.
- Sure, sure.
- Hand them over
or I'm gonna kick you
in your tingly places.
I'm sure we can settle this
like civilized human beings.
I'll kill the photos for $20,000
and a shot of some of y'alls feet meat.
Again, just for my personals.
20 grand? For her?
That's like Kelly Ripa money.
Yeah, I've never paid 2,000 For Kenan.
Well, the market wants
what the market wants
and right now the market wants
white ladies looking terrible.
We'll give you 3,000 but
no meat from any of our feet.
Mm, 15,000 or the photos
will go live tomorrow.
Okay, there's no way
- I'll pay it.
- What?
Tami, are you sure?
Yeah. I am.
You'll have it tomorrow.
Well, I appreciate all y'all.
You ladies have a real nice night.
An awful human being.
Great manners though.
I wanna know, what is this?
And you speak Greek.
This night is full of surprises.
Like that kitchen fire at the restaurant.
Yeah, I still don't know why they make
those chef hats so flammable.
But, hey, you and I are gonna end up
right where we're supposed to be.
- Gina?
- Oh.
What the hell is this?
Any chance he's your brother?
Oh, no, it's my husband.
Who's not the only one
who can have meaningless sex
with randos. Sorry.
Hi, I'm Rick.
I'm gonna knock your teeth in.
Wait, wait, wait.
Uh-oh, secret shots at the bar.
That's not the Kenan from the profile.
No, no, no.
They just here to help me
have a great night, you know.
I've never been out
with a principal before.
It's cool.
Oh, yeah?
Are you enjoying how
she's measuring how far
my date's shorts are
from her knees right now?
I love that.
You know, I also loved when
she made me tuck in my shirt.
And I love all 150
creepy-ass photos of her dog.
- Oh, that's fun.
- And you know I loved
when she told the DJ to turn the music down
so we could all hear how awful she is.
You might wanna chill, fam.
Your date is great and mine sucks.
She really, really sucks, man.
At least I am who I say I am.
Hey, girl!
Look at you.
Still loving that frock by the way.
You are fake.
Your show should be called
"Fake Up with Kenan."
What? Now, Ashley, don't leave.
I'm sorry. I'm a good guy.
I just maybe had too many
of the Earth's cocktails.
There goes your congregation, deacon.
Okay, now help me decide
which of my children
gets to go to college.
I'm leaning towards Braden.
Richard's sweet
but he's kind of a dumb-dumb.
Wait a minute.
You're blowing up your kids' future
for these pictures?
Where'd you think I was gonna get it?
No offense but I thought
you'd just drive outside Atlanta
to some rundown plantation.
Great Grammy on the veranda would be like,
"It's under the floorboards, Tami."
Yeah, right.
Most of my people's homes had wheels.
Oh, that's cool.
Well, look, you can't
pay Brett all that money.
You don't understand. I haven't been seen
without makeup since I could walk.
I'm a pageant kid.
You were a little Tami Boo Boo.
Every day it was "Don't gain weight, Tami."
"Don't forget to put in
your fake teeth, Tami."
"Don't tell anybody
you have chickenpox, Tami."
To win you have to be pretty and perfect.
And those photos are not.
I don't have a choice.
Let me tell you a little story, Tami.
When I hurt my knee and pro tennis was out,
I said, "Pam,
you're a sparkling personality.
Try broadcasting."
But everyone was like, "Put on a dress.
You got great legs, get your
wicked boobs out there."
But I wanted the world to see the real me.
Eventually "Wake Up with Kenan" happened
and I became America's sweetheart.
- You did that.
- Yeah.
And if it hadn't happened, then what?
Well at least I could live with myself
because I made the right choice
for me, not them.
I'm gonna always choose Pam
'cause Pam is freakin' great!
- Hm.
- Yeah.
You're right, Pam is freakin' great.
And so is Mika! Mika's friggin' great too.
- And you know what?
- That's right.
- This is happening.
- What?
Bam, bam!
- Damn!
- Oh, dear God.
That's right. Take it all in, y'all.
This is all Mika, baby!
This is a restaurant.
Please put your shoes back on or leave.
Well, you know what?
I choose me.
And Tami, you should choose you too.
Goodnight, ladies.
Do her toes even touch the ground?
Man, you were wrong.
"Impromptu" does not know
how to match people.
When you put up that boring-ass profile,
you got a boring-ass principal,
that's the science.
I'ma go get us some more rounds.
Don't blame "Impromptu Vous."
For this? Ha!
Don't beat yourself up.
You were more than sweet to her.
I mean, before you
cussed her out at the bar.
Oh, no, no. I didn't cuss now.
My rants are always clean.
I'm like the Sinbad of hurting feelings.
Well, I guess all it took
was getting dumped
and a couple of drinks
for someone to loosen up.
I don't know. Maybe.
If we would have matched up,
I definitely would have swiped right.
Oh! Oh, this is my song!
- Come dance with me.
- I'm nah I'm okay.
Gary'll be right back.
You know you want to dance with me!
- No, no, no
- Come dance with me.
All right, I guess I'm dancing.
Whoa, okay, if you insist.
- Oh, I can't fight the music.
- Yes, no one can.
Oh, you son of a bitch!
Oh, I was carrying all the tension
in my lower back.
Yeah, that's all that guilt
from the way you've been treating Gina.
You're right.
- And Gina?
- Yes.
You gotta stop playing
games with handsome randos.
- We're people too.
- I get that now.
Guys, you're gonna have some highs,
you're gonna have some lows.
But just be good to each other.
- And?
- BOTH: Enjoy the ride.
There we go, we got it.
Oh! And to think I was gonna kick your ass.
And to think I was gonna
make sweet love to your wife.
- Ohh.
- Oh.

Kenan. What the holy hell?
It's not what it looks like.
Yes, it is. Don't front for him.
You calling me Satan
and you out here freaking my date.
Well, technically
you called yourself Satan.
- Shut up, Kenan!
- Hey, Gary, man, I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened,
but maybe we can talk about this at home?
I mean, we don't really want
to make a scene right?
Yes, we do.
You want everybody
to think that you're perfect,
but you're not perfect.
Kenan Williams ain't perfect, y'all.
As a matter of fact, when he does laundry,
he mixes his dish towels with his underwear
so his underwear smells like wet eggs
and his dish towel smells like booty.
Gary, man, I'm warning you.
Bring it down.
I ain't bringing down nothing.
Well, don't make me make you bring it down.
Oh, come on, fight already.
Oh, no, I ain't gon' fight my own
- Ah!
- Oh!
- Let's fight! Let's fight!
- Get off get off!
- Get off of me!
- No!
You smell like dish towels!
Oh, hey, I'm sorry about the nose blood
I got in your backseat there.
Can you still give me five stars?
I'm definitely gonna give you five stars.
Okay, he's leaving, All right.
What you want five stars for?
Ruining everybody's night?
Hey, look, man.
I'm sorry once again
for the disrespectful twerk.
But you ain't have to call me out in front
of everybody like that either though.
I'm tired of you acting
like you better than me, man.
You all, "Oh, I'm perfect Kenan
and you, you just Gary."
I'm sorry, man.
Me saying that and making that profile,
yeah, I was, I was tripping.
About what?
Because I gotta be Daddy Kenan.
And PTA Kenan,
and "Wake Up with Kenan" Kenan.
I mean, I don't ever get to be just
"freakin' on the dance floor Kenan"
or "freakin' in the bedroom Kenan."
Why not?
Where else would you freak?
Well, I mean. What will people think?
Who cares what people think, man.
Like, why you put so much
pressure on yourself?
Dude, all of us who love you
are gonna love you any which way you are.
- Aight.
- Aight.
Sorry again about that beat down.
Psh! What are you talking about, man?
I wrestled you sloppily, bro.
I don't know, man, your boy got 'em hard.
You know, man, I ain't easy to get down.
- Whoa! Street cat!
- Okay!
- What is that a bat?!
Yeah, my bad again, man.
Me too, man, for real.
Damn, Rick.
Somebody didn't enjoy
the ride tonight, huh?
Well, actually the ride's not over.
Oh, snap.
- Hi.
- You got company.
And a first responder?
Uh, thank you for your service.
Goodnight, nerds.
- Right away?
- All right, Ricky Boy!
No, really. Goodnight.
Thank you, Charlene.
Surprisingly, your rendition
of "Uptown Funk"
did not cure my hangover.
Okay, that's enough of the bells, Charlene!
All right, thank you very much.
Okay, up next,
Tami is doing a very special thing
that I'm just finding out about
while I'm reading this, now.
Uh, Tami?
So yesterday, some very unflattering photos
were taken of me and I was
scared of them going public.
But some friends helped me realize
I don't need to be scared.
Those photos will be posted later today.
I wanted to give you
the exclusive first.
I'm tired of pretending to be
perfect all the time.
This is me, Tami.
The real Tami.
- Whoo! We love you, Tami!
- That's it!
I'd still go out with you. I would.
And if you're tired
of pretending too, join me.
Join me!
- Oh!
- Way to go, Jack, yes!
Okay, who's next?
Hoo-ah! Oh, man.
Whoo, boy, boy, boy,
that feels much better.
- Yeah, Kenan!
- Come on, man.
Let your insecurity fly.
- Hell no, I'm good.
- We love you.
- Y'all tripping.
- Right.
My back doctor suggested this.
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