Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e21 Episode Script

The Smoking Bun

1 [MACHINE WHIRS] [EXHALES SHARPLY] My feet are so happy right now.
Remember that guy who stiffed me on my tip today? - 'Cause I don't.
- [CHUCKLES] I do feel a tad guilty buying this since we haven't paid your dad any of the money for rent.
Yeah, I felt guilty, too.
But then this puppy kicked in, and da guilt be gone.
Okay, my turn.
Come on, feet out.
- All right.
- [MACHINE BEEPS] Okay, here we go.
And Oh, Queen Mother.
Oh, that's delightful.
Oh, oh, we deserve this, and I don't care who knows about it.
- Except for him.
Help hel help me - Hey, Dad.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- What's happening? [CLEARS THROAT] What's going on? [STAMMERS] Kendra bought a foot massager with the money we were supposed to give you for rent.
And then when she heard you coming through the door, she said that she was gonna blame me.
Seriously? You sit there and complain about your dry little, British feet, and then you throw me under the bus? Get up.
Get up.
Let me see it.
Get out of here.
What is this? [BEEPS] Oh! All right.
The Zeon-Pro 3000 Very familiar with this guy right here.
We already met at a Sharper Image.
I was halfway through my program, and the manager was like, “You know what? You want to keep it down, sir, because you're disturbing all the” [YELLING] Tha-a-at's it! Mm! [NORMAL VOICE] Oh, yeah.
Oh, that feels so good.
I'll tell you what, I am keeping this.
We're even on the rent.
Uh, actually, Mr.
Gable, the rent is only $200.
The massager is $300.
Yeah, that's for a new one.
This baby was used.
All right.
That's great.
[GROANS] Yes! Sweet Atlanta peaches! I am not your ordinary guy MOTT: I can't believe those people are at our table.
Right? Look at 'em all comfortable and spread out.
They disgust me.
[EXHALES] I just heard the craziest rumor.
You know Didi's cousin Laura? Yeah, the one that's shaped like a kettle bell? No, that's Didi's sister.
Point is, she heard a rumor that Enzo's is up for sale.
What? No.
I'm telling you You remember the last time Didi heard a rumor? She thought Kyle was dating a super model.
- A super market mol.
- All right.
Man, if Enzo sells the place, where am I gonna go every day? Will you relax? He would never sell the place without telling us.
- Enzo! - Yeah, what's up? Look, we heard a rumor you might be selling the place.
- Oh, that's just a rumor.
- See, what'd I tell you? I'm definitely selling the place.
- What? - Well, that's it? You're leaving us, just like that? Yeah, come on.
What are you doing? - We're like family.
- Family? Name one personal thing you know about me.
Are you First of all, you have a beautiful wife, and you got, like, three, four What is it, five kids? Divorced twice, no children.
So why are you selling the place? You got nothing else going on.
[CHUCKLES] Look, I'm going to Florida.
My cholesterol's not great, stress is through the roof.
Doctor said I need to change my life.
You know, h-hear me out on this.
I'm thinking recumbent bike.
- Oh, I heard those are nice.
- Right? You lay back, you feel like you're working out, the thing's moving, it's good.
Look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but doctor said I'm at high risk of stroke.
Get some gel insoles.
[STAMMERS] They will change your life, right? MOTT: They're nice.
I still can't believe this whole Enzo's thing.
What what a gut punch.
I mean, he was cold as ice.
He was like an assassin.
Why would he want to do that? You mean taking over his family's business, building it up to the point where he can retire to Florida? Yeah, it just feels selfish.
Why is this a problem? There's a million pizza places on Long Island.
Just find another one to get fat in.
- Hey! - Whoa! Ho! Oh, I'm sorry, was this breaking news? It's just Enzo's is our spot, all right? Now if they got new people coming to take it over, - it's gonna ruin it.
- Well, you don't know that.
Maybe the new owners will put some money into it.
You guys are always complaining about how cheap Enzo is.
He is.
Ple There's never enough napkins, he under-cheeses the pizza, there's the cracked urinal in the bathroom.
I don't even go in there if I'm wearing my Jordan 3's.
What about the big TV he promised us? It's been “On orde”" since 2012.
Look, you guys are in there every day.
You You're the regulars.
I'm sure the new owners want to hear from you.
She's right.
You know what it is? We we are the power base.
We should put a list of our demands together and put the squeeze on the new owners, just let them know how it's gonna be.
- Ah, I like it! - Great.
Do me a favor write this down, make a list.
Oh, okay.
This should be a real think tank.
All right, the first thing we should think about is job security for Kendra and Chale.
That's important.
All right? Just get that.
A new freezer so the beer mugs are all nice and frosty.
- I like that! - Mmm, nice.
Oh, and an And also, a sugar dispenser where the hole's in the top, and it's like a jar You pour it out, so I don't got to sit there opening, like, eight packets of sugar.
Like like I got time for that.
Right, or, here's an idea, you could just cut down on the sugar.
- Oh! - Hey! These are warm.
These guys have money.
By the way, thanks again for coming.
Yeah, well, you lied and said we were going to lunch.
We are after this.
Relax, okay? Ready? Okay, what do you got going on there? It's called a power move.
Okay, I throw these things on and two things happen immediately.
Number one, I become the smartest guy in the room.
Number two see mber one.
Couldn't think of number two, could ya? I ha I have one.
I have one, just give me a second.
Alviti will see you now.
- Oh, okay, thank you so much.
- Great.
Thank you.
I got number two.
It's still the same thing see number one.
How ya doing? John Alviti.
KEVIN: Hey, thanks for seeing us.
So, I understand you have a proposition regarding Enzo's Pizzeria.
I do, uh, but first let me ask you this The most important ingredient to any successful business is what? Marketable product.
And? Working capital.
And? W-Why don't you just tell me, 'cause I-I feel like this is gonna go on for a while.
The answer is core clientele.
You know, it's the regular people, t-the little guy.
And, in this scenario, you're the little guy? I am, I am.
Uh, you know And to be blunt, without us, uh, there is no Enzo's.
So I think it's in your best interest Wait a minute.
I'm sorry.
You look familiar.
Did you go to Camp Apollo? I did.
Used to be Cellucci? - Still is.
- Ouch.
Didn't you beat up Doug Morrison? Yeah, well, he snapped my bra, so I knocked his tooth out.
Hey, crazy twist Uh, the next summer we started dating.
- [LAUGHS] - Okay.
Anyway, I basically represent the power base at Enzo's, you know? So, look, do I hold my hand over the red button? I do.
You know, am I ready to press that? Not really, if you meet our demands.
Let's review them, if you don't mind, okay? [CLEARS THROAT] First on the list is basically just a pinball machine, you know? And one with the flippers on the bottom and also the top, 'cause you can get some with just the flippers on the bottom not as fun.
And also with the little trap doors, you know, where the ball can just disappear and you can panic for a second? You're like, “Oh, I think I” And [IMITATES PINBALL MACHINE RINGING] - Okay, we got it.
- It comes back up.
- We got it.
- Okay.
Yeah, we got it.
Nice one, nice one.
Also, here's what I'm thinking - Say no more.
- Oh.
I think I'm good.
You know, I was torn between keeping Enzo's or tearing it down to build a parking lot.
I'm going parking lot.
Man, if I kept Enzo's, I'd have to deal with people like you every day.
I can't tell you how much you annoy me.
I-I annoy you? Look, your demands and how you sit and how the sweat rolls down your brow into the crease of your fat neck Are we, uh, still negotiating, or It feels like it kind of took a personal turn there.
Wait, so they're just gonna tear the place down? What exactly did you say to this Alviti guy? Nothing.
I just went in there, I told him we wanted a pinball machine, and and the guy just Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Pinball machine? [SCOFFS] We didn't authorize that.
I think thinking on my feet.
Yeah, okay, it's called free-forming.
You should've stuck to the list.
It's fine.
It didn't matter anyway, all right? I knew what I was doing.
I went in there, I was dressed sharp, I had the half-glasses.
Ooh, those always make you look smart.
They do.
But they had no effect, okay? The guy had his mind made up before we even got there.
I can't believe it.
This place has been here longer than we've been alive.
Sign outside says, “Established 1943.
” - Yeah.
- How many years is that? - Uh uh - Well, six plus seven Six plus seven? You don't do 6 by You add 7 to the 43 to make it 50 so it gives you an even number.
Siri, what's what 2018 minus 1943? Of course you add up, - and then you take it away afterwards.
- Wait, I got I got 50.
- Why would you even do that? - 75 years.
- Okay - 75 years, idiots! Nice job, okay? You ruined it.
I had it, but - You had it? Yeah.
- [GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY] Whoa, whoa, wait.
That means that Enzo's might qualify for historic status.
What what is that? It means that they can't tear it down.
I mean, you couldn't even paint the place without getting approval from the town.
Well, that That's perfect.
W-What would be the next step? We just have to petition the town to have it designated a historic landmark.
Then that's what we're gonna do.
- We're done.
Boom! - Yeah.
Siri says 75 years technology.
Oh, God.
You're sticking with the glasses, huh? Absolutely.
I can handle this, okay? - [GAVEL BANGS] - Next on the docket A motion to grant Enzo's Pizzeria historic status.
Show time.
[CLEARS THROAT] Good morning, everybody.
My name is Kevin Gable.
I am a retired police officer in Nassau County.
Your Honor, with your permission, I would like to Sir, I'm not a judge.
You don't need to refer to me as “Your Honor.
” Duly noted.
[STAMMERS] You know what it is? The the hammer thing.
Kind of I saw that, you smacked it, and it threw me.
Uh Dad, just stick to your notes.
I'd, uh, now like to call, uh, attention to Massapequa code 55, Section 11B, which states, to wit per se, “In the case of places deemed historic” Mr.
Gable, we wrote the code.
You really don't need to read it to us.
Again, duly noted, Your Honor.
Again, not a judge.
Duly Duly noted again on that one top of the dulys.
Do you have any information that might actually support your case? Yes.
I, uh Your notes are in your folder.
Gable, perhaps you should come back when you have your things in order No, one sec Hey, please hold on a second, please I You know what it is? I-I'm gonna be honest, I'm not very good at the official stuff, uh, and I'm taking these off, 'cause these things Uh, they're making me nauseous.
I'm sorry.
I tried I bought a higher number, 'cause I thought they'd make you see clearer, but it actually works the opposite ways.
- You You start to - Put it down.
Um [CLEARS THROAT] here's how it goes.
Uh [EXHALES] I'm gonna be honest Enzo's is not just a building to us or to anybody who who lives in Massapequa.
They know that.
It's it's a part of our lives.
My my my buddy Mott, he he met his wife there.
And, uh, all our kids, they've had their Communion parties and Baptisms and sweet sixteens, and my daughter and son-in-law They they [SIGHS] they work at Enzo's.
He's a He's the manager now.
You're the manager.
You're the manager.
Yeah, he is.
You should hug yourself.
The the truth is we've had some of the best times of our lives at Enzo's, and you know, also some of [SIGHS] some of the worst.
Um One of the darkest days of my life I, uh I got to be honest, I I didn't know if I was gonna pull through or not.
It was, uh um The 2000 World Series when the Yanks beat the Mets.
It was, uh The Yanks won it.
I mean, it was clear.
It was It's so hard, because, you know, it's Subway Series, and what are the chances of them having Everything's got to match up again for us to get anther shot, you know, to get back at them.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] I don't know.
[STAMMERS] I guess the point is if you tear Enzo's down, you're tearing down a part of all of us.
Full disclosure, my husband and I were also at Enzo's the night the Mets lost.
Still hurts.
Yeah, it does.
Well, you know there really is a lot of history - Yes.
- In that place, and, I guess we could I'm sorry, the board has decided that there isn't enough evidence to declare Enzo's a historic landmark.
- [INDISTINCT MURMURING] - Meeting adjourned.
No! What what just happened? We lost.
Uh, excuse me, Y-Your Honor, please Not a judge! Duly noted.
I had that lady eating out of my hand, and Alviti walks in, and, bam, she caves.
I'm telling ya, I-I think he's got something on her.
Yeah, or he paid her off.
Either way, we don't have any proof.
Unless you have a British tech-wiz snooping through city records.
Ooh, I like it.
What do you got? When I cross referenced Mr.
Alviti's name with members of the board, turns out he made a $10,000 donation three days before our hearing.
- That's a bribe.
- Bingo.
You know what that is? It's also our smoking bun.
What? Our smoking bun.
We got We got him over the coals.
Did you just say “Smoking bun”? Yeah.
No, you're just gonna want to let this go.
No, I No, I can't let it go.
You do know it's smoking gun, right? - No, it's smoking bun, okay? - Oh They left the bun in the oven too long, it started smoking, the people in the house were alerted that something was wrong, hence the saying, the smoking bun.
Dummy, it is smoking gun.
You pull the trigger and smoke comes out of the barrel.
- Okay, that makes zero sense.
- Oh! All right, Chale, do me a favor.
Let her have it.
Gable, I'd rather not get involved.
[STAMMERS] Don't you worry about hurting her feelings.
Tell her, man.
She I'd prefer it if I were sidelined for this.
Oh, okay.
Okay, Chale, you know what? I'm off of you.
Kendra, please, take her to school.
I'm out.
Will you just say it please? - No, I can't.
I won't.
- Okay, Chale, back on you.
I just don't want to be here.
Well, you don't have to be here.
Just tell her the tr Then it is gun! Of course it's gun.
For anyone to think for even a second that it would be anything other than a smoking gun is completely asinine.
Doesn't matter anyway.
Let's just get going, all right? I'm sorry, Mr.
Alviti I tried to stop them.
- Okay.
- And he ate all the cookies.
Boy, she is full of lies, this one.
It's o It's okay.
What's up, guys? What can I do for you? What's up? We'll tell you what's up.
We saw you at the board meeting.
And? And we saw that you gave a little bribe-arooski to the judge lady.
You didn't think we saw it, but we saw it.
And there's your smoking bun.
You mean smoking gun.
Bun, gun, both are acceptable.
So, you found out I made a legal donation.
Uh, nope.
It's a bribe.
Look a little closer, 'cause you're going down, amigo.
Actually, amigo, I donate every year.
They use the money to maintain historical buildings in the city.
I also donate to a church that works with underprivileged kids.
I have a plaque right there for that “bribe.
” Sisters of the Bronx.
They're a good bunch.
I-I've heard of 'em.
Looks like you brought a bun to a gunfight.
So, it'll be really great if I never see you guys ever again, okay? Understood.
I think we lost this one.
All right.
You know what? We were gonna be polite, but you are looking at two retired cops, okay? We investigate stuff for a living, and we gonna dig until we find something.
And when we do, we're gonna drag you to court.
Boy, you guys just don't quit, do you? No, we do not.
We are like those gnats that buzz around your head at a picnic.
Yep, we're just gonna keep buzzing around in your ear.
[IMITATES INSECTS BUZZING] All right, okay, okay, I-I'm impressed.
I didn't expect this from someone who wore sweat pants to a City Council meeting.
They're called Stretch-E-Slacks, okay? Stretch-E-Slacks.
The “E” is for “energy.
” He doesn't want to know about your pants.
He asked.
All right, all right, guys, look, look, look Maybe maybe we can work something out.
You do security, don't you? We own our own security company, yeah.
Why? Well, company has six parking lots, and the current security is not working out so well, so you agree not to buzz-z-z around in my ear, and I will, uh, maybe consider hiring you guys.
Not interested.
Gig's worth 250 G's.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
Just give us Give us a second.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna discuss Take your time.
Thank you so much.
Did he say $250,000? Shh! [STAMMERS] Come on body language.
Don't look too excited.
Actually, look more casual like you don't care, - just like - Oh.
That money would put Monkey Fist on the map.
Okay, yeah, but we're trying to keep Enzo's on the map.
I will burn it to the ground for this contract.
- Okay, take it easy.
- To.
Hey, guys.
I heard every word.
You're super loud.
So, we got a deal? Y-You know what it is? We're just We're worried about Enzo's.
Come on, we'll work something out.
- Hmm.
- What you have is my word, and it's stronger than oak.
All right.
Well, Enzo's is saved, and so are both your jobs.
You're welcome.
[LAUGHTER] W-W-What is all this? It's a signed contract with Alviti's company.
What? You got that so fast.
Yes, not only is gonna keep Enzo's as-is, but we also got a security contract out of it.
- Mama gon' be rich.
- Yep.
Well, what did you guys do? Well, we told him we were gonna investigate the crap out of him, and then he just folded like a house of cards.
- Yep.
- So you bluffed him.
- Yes! - Yes, yes, and you know why? Because I remember at camp he used to pick on Tommy McDonough until Tommy told him that his dad knew Chuck Norris, and then he just stopped.
- That is awesome.
- Yeah.
Did you meet him? What? Did you get to meet Chuck? Nope.
They were bluffing - Oh.
- Just like we did today.
- I got you.
- You you think? Okay, cool.
So, Tommy's father, he He's the one who knew Chuck? No.
Tommy's father the one who knew Chuck Norris? Okay, nobody Nobody knew Chuck Norris.
The dad didn't know Chuck Norris Then what are you dropping Chuck Norris' name - if nobody knew him? - Okay, because - I'm not dropping the name! - Guys, guys! Did either one of you actually read any of this? I read the part about us getting fat stacks of cash.
Yeah, we did.
[LAUGHS] So he made you employees in order to give you the security deal? Yes, yes, we are working for him now.
'Cause it says here, “As employees, the undersigned waive all rights to any future litigation against said company into perpetuity.
” A.
fat stacks of cash.
Actually, now now that you say that out loud, it sounds kind of bad.
Yeah, it means that if Alviti wants to tear down Enzo's, - you guys can't doanything about it.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY] He looked me right in the eye, I'm telling you, and he said, “What you have is my word, and it's stronger than oak.
” Oh, dear.
That's a line from the movie “Jerry Maguire.
” Jerry thinks he's representing Cushman the quarterback, but then Beau Bridges' character, who shakes his hand and says “My word is stronger than oak" actually screws him over Pretty much destroys his life.
Man, I wish I would've seen that movie.
I've seen it 100 times.