Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e22 Episode Script

Phat Monkey

1 Hey, what's up, my little chickens? - Hey.
- Hey, Dad.
What is that noise? - Jack.
He's practicing.
- Practicing what? Seriously? Do you not know Jack plays an instrument? Of course I know.
I'm his dad.
Okay? Really? What is it? You know what? I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
I know what instrument my son plays.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't look in there.
I wasn't looking.
Okay, well, then, tell me what instrument.
You know, I do not appreciate being tested in my own home.
I know everything that goes on in here, okay? Just finished my oboe lesson.
Going upstairs.
The oboe.
Jack plays the oboe.
All right.
Download me.
Okay, so, Alviti assigned us six parking lots - Mm.
- which is a ton of work.
But I got Mott and Goody helping us out, so that should cover most of it.
And we're gonna be, um, spread a little thin.
Uh but I think if everyone brings their "A" game, we should be fine.
Who is this? Hello.
One One One One second.
What color did I say I wanted my coffee? Uh, you said the color of a camel hump.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Remember I said a shaved camel hump, right? Yes, you're right.
'Cause it would be a little lighter than 'Cause, you know, the hump wouldn't get as much - Much sun.
Yep, yep.
I got that.
- Exactly.
- Okay.
- I'll just get some more creamer.
- Okay.
- All right, cool.
Ohh! Okay.
It's a debacle.
Hold on a second.
Can you toast that up for me and give it a kiss of butter? Okay, and and by "kiss," I mean let them make out.
- Just let them get in there.
- Yeah, I'm on it, I'm on it.
All right.
- What's going on? - I know.
It's weird, right? I'm eating a scone.
Used to make fun of these people.
Like, "Look at me.
I'm eating a scone.
" But look at me.
I'm eating a scone.
I'm talking about the guy.
Who's the guy? Oh.
That's Tyler.
He's my, uh, personal assistant.
I can't believe you.
We just start making money as a company, and you go out and hire yourself a personal assistant?! It's called planning for success.
So, if you give me the loan to buy Enzo's, my plan is simple A more contemporary menu, microbrews from around the world, and low-flow toilets that actually flush.
Thoughts? And you can go first, Jack.
What? Oh, sorry.
I was trying to suck the jelly out of my Pop-Tart.
Oh, come on! I had to sit through your boring Abe Lincoln school report.
Okay, Sara.
Any thoughts? - Actually, I have a question.
- Okay.
Did you know there was something stuck between your teeth when you started talking? Hey.
What are you guys still doing here? You're gonna miss the bus.
Go, go, go! Geez.
Uh, what are you doing holding them up? I was telling them about my business plan! Business plan? Yeah, look, um If Alviti buys Enzo's, he's just gonna turn it into a parking lot.
So, I had a brainstorm, and we buy it.
Ta-da! No.
Are you crazy? We cannot buy Enzo's.
Why not?! Because we don't have any money and our credit score is two digits! Yes, uh, granted, on paper, it makes no sense.
But I have a business plan and I have a really good concept.
Trust me.
I can make this work.
Look, I love that you are trying to make something happen, but there's just no way we can do this, okay? Now I have to get to class, a class that we can't pay for, by the way.
Also, you got a thing stuck in your teeth.
Can I help you? - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
You must be Rootger.
I'm Tyler, Mr.
G's new assistant.
Really? I didn't know about this.
Yeah, well, he said things were getting busy around here, so I know how things are getting.
I work here.
Anyway, he said he needs me to be his eyes and ears.
And what am I? His nose and teeth? I don't know how to answer that.
Okay, so you have a personal assistant, which is insane, but I I don't have time to get into it, okay? I just need to go over the two things that you need to do today, okay? Ready.
All right, so, first thing, I need you to deposit the Alviti check into our business account so checks don't start bouncing.
Very important that it's done today.
- Filed away.
- Okay.
Next thing, I need you to go to the Jericho lot at 4:00 and make sure that it's secured, okay? Oh, you know what else I could do while I'm there Is I could check every level of the structure, do a sweep, make a report.
No sweeping, no reporting.
Just lock it down.
What did I say? - 4:00.
Got it.
All right.
- Okay, good.
So, I got to go drop the boys off in Syosset, and then I got to go to Queens to meet the people who are doing our uniforms.
Can you see if they can make, like, a wrinkle-free slack? - Nope! - Okay, yeah, 'cause we're busy.
We got stuff going on.
Yo, Tyler, we got to hit the bank, so you got to make that bagel to go, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you What are you doing? I was just gonna throw out the seeds and stuff.
That's the wrong plan, Joanne.
Okay, yeah, uh It's an everything bagel.
In your hand right there, that is everything.
It's the jewels of the bagel.
Garlic, onion.
The flavor.
Without it, it's just a circle of stupid dough.
I-I tried to sprinkle it on there, you know, but it just kind of falls off again.
This guy.
Yeah, you know why? 'Cause it's a dry surface and you can't It's gonna bounce.
Watch this.
- Oh, okay.
- You got to get it to stick.
- Open it up - Uh-huh.
and now sprinkle on top.
Let the butter act like the glue.
I thought this was common sense, but whatever.
Here you go, boss.
- Thank you.
- All set.
Is he all set? 'Cause he might need a napkin.
Ooh, kid's got a point.
I don't want buttery fingers on the wheel when I'm driving.
I would've thought of that.
Yeah, but you didn't.
If you need a personal assistant, it should be me.
He should be answering the phones.
Oh, really? I-I would do that, except isn't that your job? Hey, anything this guy can do, I can do better.
I don't think so, pal, 'cause I'm a part-time meteorologist.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I'm saving up for a Doppler.
Well, I hope you're better at predicting the weather than making bagels.
Ohh! We're back on the bagel thing! Yeah, we're back on the bagel thing.
Guys, guys, guys, stop the fighting, all right? Listen.
Business is booming here.
I-I got to be operating at peak performance.
I get it you both want to be my personal assistant, but here's the kicker There can only be one.
Oh, finally! Hello.
I got a person.
Okay, yes, hi! I am calling about our uniforms.
Um, they were supposed to say "Monkey Fist," but instead they say "Monkey Cyst," so that's a problem.
Um, and I should say this If you put me on hold, I will track you down and kill you.
Hello? All right.
I brought you into my kitchen for phase one Getting to know Kevin Gable.
Let's start at the beginning.
It's 6:00 a.
I wake up, I've said my prayers, I go to the gym, I come back.
What do I do next? Wait.
You go to the gym in the morning? No, I do not.
Good catch, Rootger.
New scenario.
It's 10:00 p.
I want pizza.
Enzo's is closed.
What happens next? No problem.
I go to the grocery store, I buy the ingredients, I make you a pizza.
What do you got? I drive to Enzo's house, I pull him out of bed, and tell him, "Hey, make a pizza.
" I like it.
Problem solving.
All right, let's roll up our sleeves, boys, 'cause we're about to take this elevator to the next level.
Welcome to phase two! The way a man folds laundry is the way he lives his life.
Corners, corners! Ugh! With this traffic, I am never gonna make this meeting! - Well, just call Kev.
- Can't he do it? No.
He's got his hands full.
All right, you boys are gonna book me a trip, okay? Now, I look for three things when I travel Comfort, efficiency, and those nuts with the, uh, little dust on the outside, the sugary - The honey-roasted? - Yes, those are them.
By the way, give yourself 3 points for that, Tyler.
- We're doing points now? - Yeah, I guess we are.
All right.
Now, it's Thanksgiving weekend.
I am traveling to Dubai to meet with the emperor of Let's go with Dubai.
Hold on,.
You know the emperor? No, I do not, but it's none of your business, so minus 2 points for questioning me.
Crap! Now, is this trip business or pleasure? Hm.
Good question.
It's a little bit of both, because, uh, me and the emperor are gonna have a couple beers, and then we're gonna get some stuff done.
Your time starts now.
Hey, Chale.
How's it going? Actually, I'm not having the best of days, Mr.
Yeah, sometimes it goes like that.
Kendra and I are having a disagreement.
I don't know what it is.
It's just e-every time I really want something, I just I can't seem to get it.
I don't know.
I-I'm just I'm not bold enough or Yeah.
You know what it is? You got to really just work these things out on your own, you know? But you're like a lion! You always get what you want.
It's a mind-set, Chale.
It's a It's a way of life.
Most people are out there, they're distracted by the tall grass.
I'm focused.
I'm ready for my next kill.
That's what I'm doing.
- Right.
- Yeah, I spot my gazelle.
Do I waste time? I don't.
I pounce on it, then I drag it to a tree.
Do I eat it now? I don't know.
Do I eat it later? Whenever I want.
You know why? King of the jungle.
I get what I want.
Hope that helps.
It did.
It really did.
You got something in your right there.
I All right, fellas, what do we got? Okay, I got you connecting through London.
There's a four-hour layover, but there's an aquarium very close by with a brand-new baby beluga.
His name is Bubbles, and he's adorable.
Pre-planned fun.
I like it.
Give yourself a point.
That sounds really great and all.
All I could find was a direct flight, business-class, with the seats that go completely flat.
Those are sick! I love those! Give yourself 3 4 points.
You get 4 points for that.
You know what? That was the easy stuff.
Let's take it to the next phase and find out what you boys are made of.
There's a fire in Monkey Fist.
My old football knee is acting up.
I can't run out.
What do you do? I'll pick you up like a puppy and carry you to safety.
Tyler? You know what? I'm just gonna take 3 points off.
This physical challenge is about inner strength, keeping your eye on the prize, not giving up.
How'd that happen? 45 seconds! This This is so much harder on a full stomach.
I'm home watching the game after a long day.
Out of nowhere, my sports package cuts off.
How do you fix it? I call the cable company and yell at them until they re-up you at the promotional price.
- Do it.
- What? - Yeah, this one's real.
- Oh.
No, no, no.
Please don't put me on hold.
No! You know, you're not supposed to drive while on the phone.
Oh, okay, well, then arrest me.
Oh, that's right you're not a cop anymore, so shut it! Okay, you know what? I'm never gonna make it in time, so you guys are just gonna have to jump out here.
We're like a mile away from the gig.
Okay, well, just cut through somebody's lawn.
You'll be fine.
That's a long walk.
I'm not wearing my orthotics! Just go! You did a hell of a job, boys, and there are no losers here today.
Believe me, I wish I had more than one envelope, but I don't.
Now, Tyler, you were great.
You know, I mean, you're young, you're energetic, but you're also inexperienced.
I had to factor that in.
Yeah, sure, no.
I-I get that.
Now, Rootger Believe me, you're a very trusted employee.
You're solid as a rock.
But have you been in the game too long? No.
Okay, these are rhetorical questions.
I'm kind of just throwing it out there.
Okay? All right, now, this is not an easy decision, so, Tyler, I'm gonna need you to go into the kitchen if you would so I can have a moment with Rootger, you know? Okay.
- Oh, you're serious.
- Very serious.
The anticipation is killing me.
Rootger, now, you know I think the world of you, right? All right, because then I-I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid right off and let you You know what, man?! This is stupid! What are you talking about? Okay, I'm out of here.
I don't even want this job.
What What do you mean? T-Today was just a hard day.
That was a crazy day.
This is not, like, every day.
This doesn't happen all the time at all.
No, no, there's not gonna be any days, okay? You got me doing planks.
I got a bad shoulder now.
It's killing me.
We only do them on, like, once in a while, just to toughen up to get warmed up.
That's all.
No, we're not gonna be doing anything, okay? I got a degree in microbiology from Stanford.
And believe me, I want to use it.
You don't think I want to use that? I want to use that.
I'm gonna use that? I'm gonna use that getting you breakfast and booking your flights? No, no, no.
Well, you don't get me breakfast every day.
-We have breakfast all the time together.
-No, no, no-no.
I'll be getting you breakfast sometimes.
- No.
No, you're not.
- Oh, come on.
- Not gonna happen.
- You have no idea.
- Bye.
Nope, nope, nope.
- You gotta be Tyler! Congratulations! Yes! Way to go! Hey.
There you are.
What a day! - Absolutely brutal! - Ugh.
But thank you so much for going to the bank.
That was a huge help.
I just need the deposit slip.
Actually never made it to the bank.
So you're telling me that every check I wrote today is gonna bounce? Well, this is one of those situations that looks bad, huh? Tell me that you at least secured the parking lot in Jericho.
- Please tell me that.
- Well, here's the thing, okay? - Let me just explain something.
- Okay.
Ohh! Look.
It's Mr.
I guarantee you want that to go to voicemail.
- Do I? - Yeah.
This is Vanessa.
Y-Yes, I, uh I know, I know.
Um Could If you could j Hello? Okay.
We're fired.
I dropped the ball.
Uh, that's that's another one on me.
You think so? We had two things to do today, and you just lost us our biggest account Okay, for now, but I promise you I will fix it, okay? I'll go down there, and I'll get our jobs back! I mean Oh.
See, now, this is what I'm talking about.
Look at that.
That looks really good.
Get your coat! We are going.
- Huh? - Nice touch.
Look at this.
- Let's go! - Yes! Whoa.
Aren't you a little dressed-up to be making garlic knots? I'm not making garlic knots.
I am making things happen.
See that guy over there? He's in charge of business loans for our credit union.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
It is happening.
I am pitching him my idea for the new Enzo's.
Chale, I don't know about this.
It is going to work.
Look, you're always telling me to take the initiative.
That is what I'm doing.
I'm gonna go over there, and I'm gonna take this deal down.
I am a lion, baby! I'm not a lion baby.
I'm the f I'm I'm a fully grown lion.
Let me handle this, all right? Well, hey, wait a second.
We're partners.
I think I should go in there, too.
Okay, he doesn't want to see you.
You blew this account! Could you just stand h Just stand here and read this, okay? - Fine.
- Okay.
I'll find out what's going on with Drake, whoever that is.
If he's anything like the snack foods, I'm gonna love him.
Knocka, wocka! What? Don't you remember? From from camp? Instead of "knock, knock" it was "knocka, wocka!" Ah, the memories are just flooding back Making lanyards, tug-of-war, drinking bug juice.
Good times.
You want your parking lots back, don't you? You know, and that is why you are so successful! Instinct, intuition, and I am guessing a big ol' heart of forgiveness.
You left my lots unattended.
All you had to do was provide a warm body, and you blew it.
Right, and I I don't want to throw anyone under the bus, but you do know my partner.
The guy stuffing cookies in his pockets? I don't even have to turn around to say, yes, that guy.
Well, I'm sorry.
I can't trust the security of my business to that guy.
Come on.
He was a cop for 20 years.
And although he's a little rough around the edges, he's all business when it counts, I promise you that.
Right now he's rubbing a magazine on his face.
That I will turn around for.
I will turn around for that.
Can't explain that.
All right.
Put it down, dummy! Put it down.
Put it down! Get out of there.
Has anyone ever told you that you have a million-dollar smile? - Not gonna work.
- Okay.
Um, look, ever since you gave us this account, our business has tripled, and although mistakes were made, mostly by him We will get it under control, I promise.
And we will be the best security company you've ever hired.
Come on.
Do it for a fellow camper.
You talk about camp like we were in Afghanistan together.
Really, not that big a deal.
Not that big of a deal? Are you kidding me? Okay, I think somebody needs to sing the Camp Apollo song! No, no, I don't even remember it.
Yep, yep.
I bet you do.
The No, that song is gonna be stuck in my head all day.
Friends we make at camp today Will always help us find our way 'Cause we're Apollo through and through We're stuck together just like glue Hey.
How'd it go? How did it g Look at my face.
I got stomped.
That bad? No.
You You're 100% right.
Even if we did get the loan, we would have to pay the down payment, which is $80,000.
Turns out I am not a lion.
You're right.
You're not.
Oh, thank you very much.
No, no, you are something better.
You are You're a river otter.
Darling, I love you, but how is that better than me being a lion? No, I just watched this whole special on them.
They're amazing.
They're fast, they're smart, they're tenacious, and you don't want to corner them.
- R-Really? - No, they're tough.
And you know what else they do? When they sleep, they hook each other's little arms so that they don't float away.
They're always together.
And that's us.
Yeah, I guess.
That is us.
You put two river otters together, and they will take down any lion.
Oh, that's not true, darling.
The lion would eat them like Skittles.
So you still want to try to buy this place? I do.
All right.
I'm in.
What are you doing? I'm the otter.
It's the otter's arm.
- No.
- We link our arms together.
- Not at work.
- Okay.
I'll just go get changed.
What happened? She got the account back.
We're good to go.
- Yes! - Yeah.
You're welcome.
I said "thank you" 50 times in the car.
- And you're not done yet.
- All right.
Seriously? I-I know I messed up.
I get distracted.
And I'm sorry.
From this point on, I promise you, I will be 100% focused.
Thank you, because I need to know that I can count on you.
That's the only way that this is gonna work.
And y-you, I'm telling you, you crushed it today, so I will get you a cup of coffee because it is well-deserved.
Thank you.
Tyler, you're back! I-I knew it! We're gonna work it out! Actually, I just came by to pick up my check.
You owe me for today.
Oh, absolutely.
Let me get that for you.
Rootger, you're doing a great job.