Kidding (2018) s02e02 Episode Script

Up, Down and Everything in Between

1 [PETER.]
Ooh! Ooh [DERRELL.]
Previously on Kidding [JEFF.]
I think I killed Peter.
Peter is in critical condition.
When Jill comes back, I'm gonna tell her everything.
Under no circumstances should you tell her.
He needs a new liver within two days or it will fail.
I'm a universal donor.
Just say the word.
Why do you want to do this? Because it's important to do the right thing.
Peter didn't walk into traffic.
I fucked up.
That's a dick.
Wait until she puts on the shoes.
Now it's a dick wearing shoes.
We have research that shows that children who enjoy this toy are 43% more likely to eat their vegetables.
Well, my research shows that children who enjoy this toy are 43% more likely to eat a dick.
Jeff's Christmas tree lighting speech was a lot of things, but mainly, it was a brilliant ad for Talk-To-Me Pickles.
Every child in America wanted that toy.
But we can't rest on our laurels.
To quote our best-selling product: "I'm listening.
" Listening to the market demand for a follow-up toy like Play-With-Me Pickles.
I'm sorry, but neither of you were here for the great Pickle Wiggler fiasco of 1993.
Picture that thing, but vibrating and free, at the bottom of a cereal box.
No, you don't want this on your hands or in theirs, for that matter.
Think of something else.
- Stop touching them together.
- That's a good start.
Look, we can put out any toy you want, but we can't sell albums if the band's not on tour.
- That's the bigger issue.
- I promise you, Puppet Time will be back on the air within six months.
You have my word.
- That's probably another offer coming through even as we speak excuse me.
Yes? Jeff did what? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
When Phil died did you donate his organs to other people? No, we didn't.
W-why not? You know how your father is.
Anyone whose life he touches becomes another member of the family.
If we gave Phil's lungs to someone, your dad'd just end up paying for that guy's kid to go to college, painting his house.
I didn't want that.
And on the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 60% of his liver.
For more on one gift that certainly won't be returned this holiday season, we go live to Saint For what it's worth, I told him to lie.
For what it's worth, I wish he had.
We'll be beginning the procedure soon if you'd like to see your husband beforehand.
Or your boyfriend.
I'll be back.
Twenty bucks buy yourself a soda or something.
Have you ever thought that maybe this is all your fault? For calling him a pussy so many times? Not until you said something.
Which one do you think is gonna die? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
If Peter wakes up, do you think she'll talk to me again? Maybe.
Through her lawyer.
I'll talk to her.
What are you gonna say? I'll make things right, I promise.
Jeff, I'm Dr.
Labanc, your surgeon for the procedure.
- Hello.
- [DR.
This is Dr.
Gimple, your anesthesiologist.
He's subbing in today from County.
Pickles, you can feel anything at all except on my watch.
Ah Okay to wheel you in? [JEFF.]
De-liver me.
I'll be here when you wake up.
Talk to her.
He looks so peaceful.
Oh, he's in a lotta pain.
Is there a particular kind of music you'd like to have on during the procedure? I'm partial to Brahms's Hungarian Dance No.
You know, they say he composed his best piece for the organ.
But they never said which organ.
Is that a liver joke or a penis joke? - Oh, it's both.
Okay, Mr.
Pickles, I need you to breathe in through your nose.
And count down from ten for me.
Ten - nine - By the way, my son really enjoyed your Christmas speech.
- [JEFF.]
Hmm? - I didn't much care for it.
- Wait [DR.
That's it.
Breathe in.
Eight seven six five four - [DR.
Three - [JEFF.]
How do I get back up? - [DR.
Two - [JEFF.]
How do I get back up? - [DR.
- [JEFF.]
How do I get back up? [VOICE ECHOING.]
See you at the bottom.
Oh, God, there he is! [SECOND VOICE.]
Be quiet, you foolish man! Hello? Secret Chef.
Snagglehorse? Is that you? [GROANS.]
Uhh! You You stay away from us! - He's got a knife! - [BUZZES.]
He's going to murder us all, like that handsome doctor! No, no, no! [LAUGHING.]
It's just me.
Please come out.
I could never hurt you.
You're my best friends! [SECRET CHEF.]
He doesn't have a knife.
I was wrong about the knife thing.
Word of the day in Pickle Barrel Falls is vehicular manslaughter! How do I get up the falls? Gettin' up the falls is easy.
You Don't tell him! It's a trick! I have to get back to my family.
Oh, God, he's going to kill his family! Don't kill your family, Mr.
Please! I need to make it right with them so they're not scared of me too.
Maybe they ssshould be ssscared of you.
You sssnow-plowed an anesthesiologist! - [GIBBERISH.]
- [JEFF.]
Wait! Your rocket is that how I get up the falls? Don't tell him! If he gets out, he'll surely kill again! Please, Astronotter, let me borrow your rocket.
No, no, no! - [ENNUI.]
Don't let him! He'll nuke us all to oblivion! - [FLY.]
Zzz, zzz! - [JEFF.]
Wait! - Ennui? - Au revoir, cocksucker! Pardon my French! Good-bye, cocksucker! [UNEASY MUSIC.]
"Dear Jeff and Deirdre, I found a place that makes me happy.
Love, Mom.
" What does it mean? It means she found somewhere happy because she wasn't happy here.
It means she's never coming back.
That's not true.
Moms never get to have fun.
That's why I'm never going to have kids.
I wanna see a place that makes Mom so happy - she'd choose that over us.
- You don't get it! She'd have chosen anywhere over us.
I don't think so.
Must be wonderful there.
Bet it's only a couple days' walk.
Where's your brother? Niagara Falls.
What? [SEB.]
Jeff! Jeffrey! Jeffrey.
Jeffrey, you need to come home before it gets dark.
- [THUD.]
- Jeez! [PANTING.]
How do I get there? Where? Tell me how to get to the falls or I'll shoot you in the face! I see it's all my fault, isn't it? - You made her leave! - Your mom's a manic depressive who once fed you nothing but ice cubes for three days.
Come on, let's go.
Ow You could have taken my eye out.
- I wish I had! - Get up, we're going home.
- [CLICK.]
- Ow! Ohh I hate you, I hate you! I don't want to live with you ever again! Get it out, come on, get it all out, because next time, I'm hitting back.
Here, take my hand.
Take my hand, and let's go home.
Ohh! I'm going to the falls! [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Let's go home.
Aah! This is the most beautiful liver I've ever seen.
Honestly, what do you think his chances are? [DR.
Flip a coin.
Oh [MAN.]
Aaah! Aaaah! Oh, no! Oh oh ohhhhh! - Aaah! - [BIRDS SQUAWKING.]
- [MAN.]
You Hi.
Welcome to Pickle Barrow Fa Oh! Oh! [GROANS.]
Ooh How'd I get here? Did we die? Oh, my God, is death people flying in barrels and rockets made from twigs? You mean Astronotter's rocket? What's an Astronotter? She's an otter who's always reaching for the stars.
Have you never seen my show? We're on your show? No, not the show.
It's the land the show takes place Eeh! Ow! - You feel that? - Yes, it hurt! Oh, my God, this anesthesiologist is terrible.
He's subbing in for you from County.
Gimple? I mean, I'm surprised that we're not both awake right now.
Are you in any pain? You exploded my liver with your PT Cruiser, motherfucker! Please don't use a bad word when - Aah! - Get him, Uncle Peter! [JEFF.]
I don't want to fight you! Hey, fuck him up! Fuck you, bread bitch.
- [WHACK.]
- [JEFF.]
Uhh! The surgery is almost complete.
Peter's body is accepting Jeff's liver.
We've run into some complications with Jeff, but we think he'll be out of the woods soon.
I will let them know.
- Wha Aah! - [PIANO CHORD.]
I wanna hit ya.
Something's wrong.
Your body is accepting my liver.
My hands I got I can't make Fists Why am I singing when I want to punch you? Because I'm becoming a part of you.
Maybe I don't want you to be a part of me I want to be angry Peter I think when you're mad, it's important to put that mad into something productive, like learning a new dance step.
Choreography's much more interesting than violence - and twice as aerobic.
- See this is your problem You need to let your feelings to the surface You can't bottle them up into advanced choreography Or bad things happen like you [ALL.]
Hit people with cars [PETER, GROANING.]
Stop it! - Puppet music guy! - [MAESTRO.]
Ow! No, Peter, you have to accept me, or you'll die.
No, Jeff, you need to let it out, or you'll kill.
Don't squelch it, don't squash it Contain or kibosh it Express it, exhale, and expel it It's healing, it's cleansing So breathe deep and then sing Or clamor or hammer or yell it Holy shit, I'm so good at rhyming now.
You owe it to yourself Your pissed, pent-up poor self To loosen your gasket and spout Go crazy, go ape shit, unlock and untape shit And finally, for once, let it out! Jesus, is your vocabulary stored in your liver? Calm down, you furious flesh bags! Your anger is bubbling my bog! Ah, quiet, you linty piece of shit! - [COMICAL SLIDE WHISTLE.]
- [PETER.]
Wait, wait, wait.
The bog fuels the rocket! [SOAP SCUM.]
Yeah, no shit, fucktard! Dig deep.
What's wounding you, friend? Spit it out, dipshit! - [UNEASY MUSIC.]
- Okay well, statistically People sadistically Point and they laugh at my hair It's a choice of a 'do, but that's for me, not you And why can't a grown man just share His feelings without being labeled a homosexual? Jill loved my capacity for gentle sagacity Jill ran her Jill hands through that hair Then you stole my bride, almost broke me inside But I can't let you die because I can't not care! [INHALES.]
That felt wonderful.
I trusted you, Peter, to not just act sweeter But smarter and better with Will To set good examples, not offer me samples Of ganja drugs hurt and drugs kill [INHALING SOUNDS.]
Will's learning, still growing And studies are showing [IN OOPS VOICE.]
Pot oopses a teenager's brain Yet I'm full of animus and so pusillanimous For driving you out of my lane [PETER.]
Look, man, it's working.
Keep going.
We're gonna get outta here.
Dum di-di-dum, dum di-di-dum Dum di-di-dum, dum di-di-dum Dum di-di-dum, dum di-di-dum - [RAPID BEEPING.]
- Dum di-di-dum - Dum di-di - [BEEPING SLOWS DOWN.]
- [JEFF.]
I'm angry at Vivian - [PETER.]
Let it out - For ruining Thanksgiving - Get it out I saved her, and how'd she repay me? - [PETER.]
It'll make the world safer - [JEFF.]
Are all people greedy? - Self-centered, mislead-y - [PETER.]
We feel I act like I'm better, well, yay, me With you behind the wheel I hate my creator That villain, that traitor His negligence makes me the angriest Would it help if I gave up a pancreas? God, I'm Good but I'm limited, that's a dichotomy Gave a Lipinski a bad tracheotomy Angry at God and I'm angry at Jill She was driving the car It's her fault we lost Phil [GASPS.]
I'm angry at me For thinking that I hate that I can't forgive her [PETER.]
Look, man.
You did it.
With teamwork.
Now, adiós, Pickles I'm going to fuck your wife With your Liver! Aaaaaah! [SUSTAINED NOTE.]
Do you think we could ask you a few questions about what happened the other night? [JILL.]
I'm happy to help.
What time did the incident take place? About 9:30 p.
Make and model of the car? [JILL.]
A 2006 PT Cruiser with wood panels.
Like a pickle barrel.
Sorry, I just put that together.
And the PT stands for Puppet Time.
Holy shit.
Yeah, when the model came out, he had to have one.
And what was Dr.
Zeckhauser doing in the street? [TENSE MUSIC.]
I don't know.
Just a few more questions.
Actually, no.
Thanks for your time.
Uh, unless there's anything you'd like to add.
No, I guess not.
It's a fantastic thing your husband's doing.
Just fantastic.
- Thank you for that.
- I feel sorry for him.
It was only a matter of time before something like this happened.
No one could see this coming.
I could have circled it on my motherfucking calendar.
He feels awful about what he did.
He's gonna spend the rest of his life making it up to you.
My condolences.
I only met Peter a few times, but I found him to be a gentle, caring soul.
He isn't dead.
I'm sorry.
I misread the room.
How's the surgery going? Good, I hope? [DEIRDRE.]
We should talk about putting together a family meal or something.
Not anytime soon, just down the road when they're eating solid food again.
Please keep Jeff away from me and my son.
- You don't mean that.
- You could have put him in therapy, grief counseling.
You could have taken him off the air.
You could have loosened his tie! Would anyone like a chocolate bar? [DEIRDRE.]
Maybe it was hard on him seeing you with someone so soon after Phil's accident.
- What did you say? - [DEIRDRE.]
Plus, not doing drugs is a core value for him.
You can see how Peter smoking dope might have triggered all of this, just pot is illegal.
I've seen you high! - What? - Yeah, let's dump out your purse and see if you're worth hitting like a deer! Don't blame her, and don't blame the show.
I blame you, Seb.
You could have helped him anytime anytime! Instead, you built this trap for him.
The show is a trap, it's an endless loop denying him his humanity.
Up the falls, down the falls, up the falls, down the falls, up, down, up, down, up! You are a terrible father.
Jeff was a special boy with a heart like Secretariat and an imagination I have protected through tragedy after tragedy.
Everything I have done for Jeff you would have done for Will.
Like cheat on his mom? There were times when you could have tried harder.
And you [LAUGHS.]
always did favor him.
- A little.
- He needed it.
You're fine.
You have a beautiful family.
I'm getting divorced.
What? Why? Scott's gay and I slept with Mr.
He took a vow of chastity! [LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry you're getting divorced, Deirdre.
Oh, I suppose that's my fault too? I'm fine, Dad.
Thanks for your concern.
Look, I don't have to defend myself.
I was a good mom.
I was a good dad.
And I stayed, God damn it, I stayed! When Jeff wakes up, tell him Actually, I don't care.
Why's Grandpa crying? - Where have you been? - Here's your money back.
Where did all this come from? Bodies.
Is that pasta? [JEFF.]
No, it's water, and over here is the canyon where it rains nothing but confetti because it is such a happy place.
And this is a tower made from the best desserts, so you can eat as you climb up if you need a snack.
Isn't it a wonderful place? This is why I stayed.
But maybe one day you can meet me here and see it for yourselves.
I do miss my children.
You just have to figure out how to get down the waterfall.
That's the only part I can't figure out.
How do I get down? [CLICK, WHIR.]
I guess we're stuck down here.
Maybe down is where we belong.
Hey, little guy.
You look like you could use a hand.
How do I get up, Hopscotch? Silly Jeff, you know how you get back up to the waterfall.
- I do? - [HOPSCOTCH.]
Of course.
I put you in my hand and bring you back up to the top.
It's been that way since the first time you came down here.
Go on, grab a seat.
Thanks for the lift, big guy.
I don't think I could have done it without you.
Well, I feel the same way about you, Jeff.
Do you remember when we first met? I was a sad and lonely sasquatch I had no home, nowhere to be You took me in, and then you changed that You built a place for me You hung the sky that I could stand in You dreamed the canyon tree by tree You built a place that makes me happy You built the place for me I was tall as grownups are And scared of getting taller You showed me fears all are Pretend Thank you, Jeff Thank you, friend Home is a place where people matter Home is a place for family You built my home And that's what matters You built a place for me [SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES.]
I can get you down the waterfall.
How? In this pickle barrel, of course.
- Now, falls can be risky.
Here be careful.
You built a place for me Where I was happy [SUSTAINED NOTE.]
Ah ah ah ah Up goes the barrel Jeff feels anxious Down goes the barrel Jeff feels free Jeff has a feeling Dad says hide it He built a cage, I see Somehow I've got to Break the cycle I know the lock, I'll forge the key I will be more than two dimensions I'll get there Wait For me [SUSTAINED NOTE.]
- [SEB.]
Welcome back, my boy.
You're gonna be just fine.
They told me to feed you ice chips for three days, but we both know I'm not doin' that.
- Remember these? - [JEFF.]
Turns out, they're not so easy to find anymore.
I'm here.
What do you need? You're fired.

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