Kidding (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

I'm Listening

1 [WILL.]
Previously on Kidding [DOCTOR.]
He needs a new liver, - or it will fail.
- De-liver me.
- We're getting a divorce.
- [WILL.]
When Phil died, did you donate his organs? - No.
- [MR.
I am listening.
Listening to the demand for a follow-up toy like Play-With-Me Pickles.
Puppet Time will be back on the air within six months.
- You have my word.
- You're fired.
Hello, Pickle Pals.
It's so good to see you today.
It's so good to see you every day.
What do you see? Do you see my couch and my room? Do you see the sky outside my window? What else do you see? Soap Scum! Purple is the color of kings.
Let's take a trip to Pickle Barrel Falls.
What do you do? What do you do? Don't be afraid when you don't know [PUPPET.]
Whistling is easy.
I'll always be here for you, my friends.
If you've tuned in for Mr.
Pickles' Puppet Time, we're sorry, kids, he's not here right now.
But I am, with Columbus' top news magazine.
Where'd you go? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Devin to dialysis.
Devin to dialysis.
There's four more bins at the nurses' station.
But we didn't want to overwhelm you with fan mail.
Fans are for pop stars.
We call it friend mail.
And you can never have too many friends.
Wherever you're going, you shouldn't be walking there without me.
Did Peter get my oversized lollipop? Yes.
I should go talk to him.
I don't think your wife wants that to happen.
What makes you say that? Because she said she doesn't want that to happen.
He wants to talk to you, though.
They all do.
Dear Mr.
Pickles, first of all, merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
Dear Mr.
Pickles, what do you do when you feel like no one wants to be your friend? [GIRL.]
Dear Mr.
Pickles, how do you spell "raisin"? - [LAUGHS.]
- Is this how you spell raisin? [PETER.]
Dear Jeff, it's Peter, the guy you hit with your car.
I got your lollipop.
I really want to talk with you, but I don't see Jill letting that happen.
Hi, Mr.
Pickles, I'm Judy.
You have been with me in every foster home I've ever lived at in my whole, entire life.
But you're not at my new one.
I checked every channel.
Guess I just wanted to let you know I miss you.
I know you don't have a TV show anymore, but please figure out a way to come back.
I hear the pain of my fellow man.
I'm sorry, I I thought I was alone.
What's your trouble? I've been told I'm a good listener because I bleed when I talk.
Go ahead.
I'm only ears.
I have too many friends.
Well, I don't have any friends.
I used to trust everyone.
Now I see the world for what it is: an airport motel room where people line up to fuck you in the throat.
Wow, I'm truly sorry for whatever happened to you.
That's okay.
Please, continue.
My friends need me.
I don't know how to talk to them all.
It's like someone's taken away my voice.
I know how you feel.
I know exactly how to fix it.
But it's gonna invite a lot of controversy.
It's gonna make some people not like me.
Not everyone has to be your friend.
Do you know how we know Jesus was a real person? Because people didn't like him.
He had enemies.
If everyone has something nice to say about you, history questions your very existence.
Do you have enemies? [SOMBER MUSIC.]
Every champion has enemies.
I want the piano.
- You don't play the piano.
- I'm gonna take lessons.
I know some guy who gives 'em.
You're going to learn an instrument to spite me? No, I'm gonna learn an instrument to break you.
Well, I want full custody of our daughter.
What? You are completely unfit to be a mother.
And if you'd like, I can throw up an alphabet of exhibits in front of a judge to back up that sentiment.
Well, I have an alphabet of hand jobs.
So let's not go down that road.
I'm not going to abandon my kid.
We agreed, split everything 50-50.
Do you know what a forensic accountant is? No, I do not.
Okay, well, I hired one to go through our bank accounts to find out what's what and what's mine and what's yours, and he found something he called odd but I call curious and the IRS would call illegal.
My books are clean.
Every year, you donate hundreds of thousands of dollars to a charity called the Indica School for Girls.
I poured my heart and soul into that institution.
But there is no Indica School for Girls.
And while we're at it, there's no Sativa School for Sluts or Heroin High School for Horses.
There's just receipts from hotels in Belize and poolside omelets! I built a real school for real girls.
It's just in the woods, and there's no phone.
- And what's their mascot? - The Dinosaurs.
The Indica School for Girls Dinosaurs.
- Los Dinos.
- Well, I don't Belize you.
You've been pocketing that cash.
And in exchange for not telling the feds that you started a fake charity, I want full custody of Maddy! Well, I'm not prepared to accept that offer.
Well, then eat a dick.
You eat a fucking dick.
I'm not angry that you fired me.
I had two important jobs, and I forgot the one about being your father.
I've chosen to take this quasi-homicidal incident with, um what is that unfortunate man's name again? - Peter? - Peter, yes, as confirmation of all this.
I'm stepping away from the business.
I won't put up a fight.
It's your show now, and I'm just your dad.
Because I have a wonderful idea.
Tell me about it.
Picture me in every child's room - Mm-hmm.
- 24-7.
Forget Talk-To-Me Pickles.
We're gonna build Listen-To-Me Pickles.
See, it's got a microchip inside it so kids can talk to me and I can talk to them, instantly, over the airwaves.
Well, it's aggressive.
I even have a tagline for the box: "Jeff Pickles is always listening to you.
" Uh-huh.
They're already going to sleep with the doll in their arms.
Now I get to wish them good night.
I want eight inches of me in every child's bed.
Now, I understand there may be some skeptics out there privacy issues and all.
But social media is a brain cancer.
This is our way around it.
I'll, uh, call my contact at Toyco.
We'll see what she thinks.
That's okay.
I should call her.
Um will you do me a favor? Um, your sister needs you.
She's going through a divorce.
Will you stay with her for a bit? I mean, you don't want to convalesce in your sad little hovel, do you? I like my apartment.
Please, just till she gets on her feet.
I'm asking you, as the father.
- Huh? - Do me a favor.
Hi, how are you? Whatever you need.
- Your brother needs you.
- Oh.
He's going through his divorce.
I feel it would be a good idea if he moved in with you, just till he gets back on his feet.
Oh, where is Jeff? Inching his way up the driveway.
Does he need help or Can you help me with this little favor? Yes! Deirdre is here to help.
Are you okay? Do you hear a helicopter? No.
I'd like you to do me another favor.
- Done.
- You don't know what it is yet.
I'm sure when I hear it, I'll dig it all the way to China.
I want you to take over the business.
I'm retiring.
I'm tired.
It's time for this old sailor to I thought Jeff fired you.
Does it matter whose idea it was? Are you sure he's okay? Yes.
He's almost at the planters.
- Oh.
- I know you're going to say that you have no experience with things like this.
But I believe in you.
I'm in.
I got it.
The most important thing is to gently but firmly sit on your brother's worst impulses.
Mm, mm-hmm.
- Did he tell you my idea? - No, what? I want to create a Wi-Fi-connected doll that lets me talk to America's children completely unsupervised.
I love it.
I fucking love it! [SOFT AMBIENT MUSIC.]
As your friend and your realtor, I'm afraid I have to advise you strongly not to put this place on the market right now.
When I purchased this house, I imagined living in a mirror image of my former home would be therapeutic, healing.
Instead, it just made me yearn for a past I couldn't revive promised me a future double-dipped in melancholy.
A two-story coffin.
A shadowed canyon where memories echo off the vinyl siding and crash silently into the void.
You seem motivated.
Let me draw up the paperwork.
We can have this up on Zillow by the end of the week.
You do that, Joanne.
Peter? I'm glad you're here.
- What's this? - Do you have a pen? I always have a pen, It's not for me.
It's for you.
Don't try to talk to him.
Don't apologize.
Don't do that thing where you sow hate and it blooms into love.
Nobody wants that right now.
- Peter might.
- Have you been talking to him? - Do you guys talk somehow? - No.
Why? Nothing.
Never mind.
Did he tell you about a song we did together? Don't squeeze it, don't squash it, contain, or kibosh it! No.
What about closure? That's what I'm trying to give you.
This is something you should have signed a long time ago.
There are 16 years of magic in this envelope.
Don't romanticize the envelope.
We should have a ceremony, - don't you think? - Mm-mm.
Commemorate the end of our relationship the way we commemorated the beginning of it? I'm not inviting 150 people and 11 puppets to a sit-down dinner to watch us get a divorce.
How do we tell the Dalai Lama? He has his own problems, like China, for instance.
I'm just gonna read it over.
Why? It's already agreed to.
Just sign it.
- [JEFF.]
I know.
I know.
- [JILL.]
Get it over with.
- [JEFF.]
I'm not arguing with you.
I just - [JILL.]
You are arguing with me.
I just want to make sure we're doing our due diligence.
We already did our due diligence.
We paid the lawyer so much money - for due diligence.
- [JEFF.]
Did we do our due diligence, though? - I don't know.
- [JILL.]
Jeff, I'm so confused.
"Begin by closing your eyes and seeing the moment in time you'd like to return to.
" Got it.
Now surround yourself with the past.
Maybe put them on his bed.
Now what? "That was the easy part.
This trick, if you can call it a trick, is incredibly difficult to pull off.
It all depends on one thing.
" - - [GIGGLES.]
What's the one thing? It's - [ALARM BEEPING.]
- [ALL.]
- [WILL.]
Oh! Fucking shit tits.
Yikes, you think he found my stash? What stash? [LIGHT MUSIC.]
How'd you know this door was here? Whenever I go into a new home, I always search for the smallest door.
Every house has an elf that lives in its walls and controls the heat, air-conditioning, and karmic flow.
I was cold, so I figured, find the smallest door, find the elf, leave a token of friendship, adjust the humidity.
Fuck your Icelandic parents.
He gets time travel, but I can't have my fucking sprites and wall nymphs? This house and my house are identical.
So if there's a little door in the back of this closet then [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Sorry I'm here so early.
Not a problem.
I'll let them know.
I wanted to make sure we cleared out all the Play-With-Me Pickles before he got here.
My niece's first grade teacher saw me give her a prototype.
I almost got arrested.
I love his web-connected doll idea.
It's like Willy Wonka reaching through your television.
I agree; I think it's the future of letting someone else raise your kid.
Sally said you were in here.
- They said you weren't coming.
- I'm not.
I'm not here.
I never was.
I've changed my mind about the dick with shoes.
I think that's the one we go with.
The team's pretty ecstatic about the Listen-To-Me Pickles.
- It listens.
- It's ludicrously unsafe to give Jeff that kind of unfettered reach.
Dad, it would be dishonest to say I can't hear and see you.
You need to let go.
You need to think this through, Jeff.
What if a child calls you on that thing and threatens to kill themselves? [JEFF.]
Then I'll be there to help.
All right.
What if a parent calls and wants to kill you? Let them.
Your Christmas speech knocked us off the air.
A toy like this will knock us off the shelves.
Then what are we? Double-tapped in the sternum and triple-fucked in the face.
We're gonna be back on the air soon.
The show's never coming back on the air, Jeff, believe me.
I've made the calls.
It's cold out there now that people think you have opinions.
Deirdre's gonna get it done.
Deirdre glues felt to other felt.
She's not leading anyone to Jerusalem.
Then why put her in charge? She's not in charge.
She thinks she's in charge.
As long as I'm alive, I'm in charge.
Jeff, this is my one job.
This is all I have.
And you can't make me exit stage left pursued by a bear.
Do you remember when I was a child and I shot you in the face? Yes.
Where are you going with that? You should retire.
I'm listening to you.
What are you making? It's a doll that listens to people.
How does it listen? Through a microphone in your room.
Chompers is a good listener.
Who's Mr.
Chompers? Oh! Uh [CHUCKLES.]
Why does he have teeth? Mr.
Chompers pre-chews my meat.
Will your doll pre-chew meat? There's too much being asked of me.
I can't do these things they're asking me to do.
Who's they? She has a glue problem.
Could you head upstairs? [METALLIC SCRAPING.]
And please stop dragging your ax on the floor.
I like the sound it makes.
I can't, Jeff.
I can't.
I can't.
I don't trust myself, not as a single mom and not as someone running the show.
I can't even run a household.
How can I possibly run a corporation? I can't do anything.
I don't know how.
That's not true.
You built an orphanage in Belize.
There's no orphanage.
I'm a liar.
Then who have you been writing checks to every Christmas? Me! Me, myself, my tan.
And now I have six weeks to build a school, or I have to write a $600,000 check to some stupid charity so the IRS won't pummel me! I have total faith.
You're gonna put Puppet Time back on the air.
Not Dad.
I don't even like the show.
It's stale, and your pants don't fit, and there's not nearly enough music, and your hair, your hair I don't like your hair! I never have! [SIGHS.]
Please don't put me in charge.
You can't trust me.
I can't even trust me.
Glue problem.
I do not have a glue problem! God damn it! I'm sorry for not liking your hair.
I trust you more than anyone.
Are you sure? Oh, oh, oh - Oh! - [SCREAMING.]
- What do you think? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh I thought I'd miss him, but I don't.
I'm going to get the show back on the air.
I know you are.
Can I help you? - Uh - James! [JAMES.]
Hello? Your hat is purple.
I love the color purple.
- Are you - Sorry.
I have to go now.
I'm wrapping a Christmas present.
Christmas was two weeks ago.
I know.
Good-bye, purple hat.
- [GASPS.]
My sorrys! Uh [SIGHS.]
Do you remember me? [GASPS.]
Your brother, he got shot.
- My sorrys.
- No, he got hit by Do you believe you could turn back time? I do not believe one can turn back time.
That's absurd.
The past cannot sit on top of the past.
A memory cannot live inside a memory.
But by the same logic, I do think it's probably easier to travel forwards in time, where everything is new and nothing is recycled.
Like, my whole life, I've been thinking about having my license, and then one day, I'm just going to have my license.
Wanna come in? Wanna stay here? [WARM MUSIC.]
You talk.
I'll listen.
I'll really listen.
Move it, shit face! [GIRL.]
Fuck you, midget dick! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Hello? Mr.
Pickles? Hi, Judy.
It's me.
Is it really you, Mr.
Pickles? [JEFF.]
It's really me, Judy.
Where are you? [JEFF.]
I'm right here.
And I'll be here for you every day, in the morning when you wake up and at night when you go to sleep.
No matter where you are in the world, no matter what roof you're under, I'll be with you.
I'm going to go to sleep now.
But I'll see you when I wake up.
Good night, good night, good night The moon smiles down so bright The evening star That shines from far - - Now blinks its twinkling light The time for sleep is near [ALL.]
Happy retirement! [JEFF.]
The air is calm and clear The evening sky The moon and I Will always be right here As sure as sun Will rise And day will break The skies May all our scars burn up Like stars Now time to close Your eyes Good night.
I missed you, Mr.
Good night, Mr.
I'm so glad you're back, Mr.
- [GIRL.]
The Oops is my favorite.
I'm assuming you can hear me.
This is not the product I thought it was.
Please, don't fucking talk to my child about me.
That's fucked up.
What the fuck is wrong with you? [LIGHT MUSIC.]

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