Kidding (2018) s02e06 Episode Script

The Death of Fil

Previously on Kidding [WILL.]
Do you believe you could turn back time? That's absurd.
I think we should fuck.
I serve a higher moral authority: the children of Japan.
Stop! Stop! Stop! - [DEIRDRE.]
Yes! Yes! [MAN.]
Scott is entitled to half.
What is divorce? Divorce is when a husband and a wife decide they don't want to be married to each other.
See you at the bottom.
Divorce is for the best.
No! Please! Please, no! [SCREAMING.]
You got divorced on national television before an audience of mostly children.
Now, do you still think that was "for the best"? I do.
Well, what about the critics who argue that you singlehandedly have broken up more homes than anyone in the whole of humanity? Homes don't break.
They change, like people, which I truly believe is for the best.
But what about what happened in the Philippines? Was that for the best? I'm sorry.
What-what happened in the Philippines? You don't know what happened? Here.
Here, here.
No! Please! Please, no! [SCREAMING.]
I wasn't aware of this incident.
But do you feel responsible for the death of Phil? What did you say? [COUGHS.]
Excuse me one second.
Do you feel responsible for the death of Filipino Pickles? [SOFT MUSIC.]
They threw him off a roof.
He landed on an ice cream vendor.
Is the ice cream vendor okay? He may never walk again.
So there's a chance he could walk again? No.
Where's the funeral? There isn't one.
Philippines won't let Ginoo Pickles' body be buried on their soil, so they have to bury him at sea.
Now you want my advice? A man is dead a man I hired! I didn't say "advice.
" I said "read.
" I want your read.
My read is, I was right about this listening doll, this death-threat-receiving machine.
Do you want to send a message? No, I do not! Calm down.
Have a seat.
Where? There is nowhere to sit in this entire office.
- Nowhere.
- I thought I had one chair! No! No chair.
And look at this mess.
Do you want a new iPhone, but your money's all tied up in your home? Then you need a reverse mortgage.
Trust me.
It's not a scam.
Unlocking the hidden equity in your home is Snaggle-rific.
I'm Stacy Keach, and Snagglehorse is right.
Together, we're gonna take you on a trail ride through the land of fiscal empowerment.
Plus, it's just common sense that anything in reverse is always twice as fun as doing it the normal way.
The whores have stolen the children, Deirdre, on your watch.
Fili-Pickles is dead.
And they're going to bury him at sea like some Pickle bin Laden.
You want my advice? Do not let Jeff bury that man, and bring back my leather couch.
How do you nap? I don't nap, Dad! And it's not my fault the Philippines enforce some militant brand of Catholicism.
The divorce is on you, though.
Not blaming, just saying.
You do that a lot, you know.
- What? - Mistake an opportunity to be a good father with an occasion to shame me.
Every now and then, just so you know, I could use a thumbs-up from you, since we both know that "Good job, Dee Dee," is too hard to say.
If you want to fix this, you have to think of Jeff as a child.
You have to discourage him.
It's fine.
I know what to do.
I told my daughter that Daddy and I were just getting a second house, but now she knows it's divorce.
My mom broke up with my dad because of the song you sang.
Wife waiting for me when I get home.
Ambushes me, says Mr.
Pickles is right.
She took everything but this doll.
You broke up my home, asshole.
I'm gonna fuck you up so bad, Pickles.
- Hi.
- Hey, pal.
I think I left my passport here.
Ah! Finally going on vacation, huh? I have to bury a Filipino Pickle.
Well, that's, um I'm glad you're here.
Uh, question.
Would you ever coinvest in a breedable affenpinscher? They are reliable show dogs, loyal, curious, famously amusing.
If that's an invite to trot the circuit, I feel a team forming.
I support it.
Hey, hey, second question, unrelated, equally important, if not more so.
Uh, I'm taking Jill and Will to Hersheypark this weekend.
'Cause I want to propose to Jill.
What do you think about that? [SIGHS.]
Um I think Does, uh, Will have to be there to witness it? I mean, I'd like him to be.
Oh, sure.
This hug is complicated but - genuine.
- Thank you, man.
Hey, I loved the divorce episode.
I think it's what killed the Filipino guy.
Can't win 'em all.
Liver brothers forever! Hersheypark this weekend, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
I need to get my passport.
Hey, are you and Peter investing in a show hound? He has his heart set on an affenpinscher.
But little does he know that I have my hand on the tail of a horse-haired schnauzer named Wunderbar.
- Big, thick whiskers and a scrotum you could wind your watch to.
You have a gift, you know? You tried to manslaughter him, and now you're going halfsies on a schnauzer.
I mean, to be fair, we haven't committed totally to a breed.
Great guy, Peter.
I like him.
Enjoy the chocolate park.
I don't know if I can go.
I'm supposed to work a Sunday shift.
Oh, no, no, no.
You should take the time off.
No one ever regrets a vacation.
Passports are in that thing in the closet.
Wait, you know what? I'll just grab 'em.
The-the closet's a mess.
- Everything okay? - Yep! They are right here.
Not gonna ask me where I'm going? [PETER.]
Jill, can you spot me on the ladder? Hopefully somewhere relaxing.
When my parents are upset, they only speak Tagalog.
What were they yelling about? I guess your dad killed a guy? Hmm? Ooh, Will! Win me some Skitties! Yeah, Will, win her some Skitties.
No, I'm okay.
I don't want this.
They're Skittles, not Skitties.
My sorrys.
Your what? If you guess how many are in the "vahse" - "Vayse.
" - we get all the Skitties.
Why do you want these? Hmm.
I'm gonna say if one Skittie occupies a full cubic centimeter and the volume of your Skittie container equals pi times the radius times the height 6,765.
6,765 Skittles.
Just write that down.
Taste the motherfucking rainbow.
Are you sure that's the number? Fuck you, Will.
Fuck you, Cassidy.
I think I'm magic.
Go on.
So you know that old library book I got on math and mysticism and the universe? Well, when I saw my mom hand my dad the divorce papers, I, uh-I read about how to turn back time so they'd get back together.
Uh, are you guys drinking drugs? We're having high tea.
- Long live the queen.
I think what I did is really working.
This is a beautiful effort on your part, but your dad got divorced on national TV.
That doesn't matter.
My parents are still technically single.
I know it's hard to accept, bud, but That was the address of the kid who had Phil's eyes.
6,765 was the number of Skittles in the vase.
This can't just be a coincidence.
This is the universe talking.
No, this is coincidence.
Plus, those dates are going forward in time, not backwards.
If you're looking for a sign from God, those numbers would need to indicate reverse temporal momentum.
I disagree.
See, the numbers do go down when you treat them as numbers, not dates.
I'm confident Will is turning back time.
Please, explain more.
These numbers, fellow dudes, are a Fibonacci sequence.
What's that? Fibonacci numbers are the magic numbers in nature that determine the order of everything, from flower petals to stripes on a tiger.
They're God's numbers.
And they're counting backwards.
I mean, you asked God to turn back time.
This is the countdown.
You hacked space and time.
- Whoa.
- Uh, Will? Your dad is here to pick you up.
It's working.
He picks me up all the time.
Will, we gotta go.
We gotta catch a plane.
Where are we going? The middle of the South China Sea.
Mom's wondering where I am.
Tell her the truth.
You have a pretty cool job.
You know, one day, this could be your pretty cool job.
What do you mean? I've handpicked three of the kindest, most selfless people from all over the world, including Herr Gherkin von Deutschland back there to protect and nourish the world's children.
Pickles are men and women selected for their high moral caliber, a parliament of the righteous who don't drink, use drugs, invoke bad or discouraging language, and they don't have sex unless they're in a loving relationship.
Like priests? Yeah.
But for children.
I see that same goodness in you.
I see that potential to shape the world.
No matter what happens with your mom and I, I'll always be your father.
And you'll always be both a Piccirillo and, if you want a Pickles.
We are a family.
Welcome to that family.
Can Pickles do magic tricks? You can be the first.
Want me to tie that? I know how.
Is that the crew from 60 Minutes? [SIGHS.]
They've seen him at his worst.
They should see him at his best.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier.
You're doing a better job than I expected you to.
Why do you have to qualify that? [TAPS PLAYING ON VIOLIN.]
See you at the bottom.
We offer this prayer for our dear loved one, Ginoo Pickles, who has left this world and is returning to you.
As we commit this man to the sea, the water will fill the barrel's bunghole Yes, that's really what it's called.
and slowly sink our beloved friend to his final resting place on the floor of the sanctuary of the sea.
A devoted husband, father [MAN WHISPERING.]
A devoted father [MAN WHISPERING.]
and husband who acknowledged, by the actions that he took Uh-oh.
What? I'll meet you in the life raft.
We have to get up every day and take a leap of faith.
Leap? He was thrown off a roof! Señor Pepinillo, please.
We are contractually obligated to repeat what you say.
When you speak, you are speaking for all of us.
Will you not stop until you get all of us killed? - That's right! - [NOSE SQUEAKING.]
Smorgas Gurka, that's not true.
And you don't have to honk like that.
You don't mean that Chinese Pickles.
Uh, uh I'm sorry.
I forgot your name.
His sister touched my brother's penis! [CROWD GASPS.]
Now he is missing.
I don't even know if he is alive.
All right, who did that? Who threw that? Who threw that? [SPEAKING TAGALOG.]
We all have to take a "calm me down" breath.
How about a "go fuck yourself" breath? [ALL SHOUTING.]
Stop! Stop! Stop it! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- Shut up, kid.
This is not who we are.
This is not who we are! [ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY.]
If you are not a Pickle, then I am not a Pickle.
Señor Pepinillo, por favor, no.
Dad! - What do we do? - [HERR GHERKIN.]
Look! I found a crate of vodka! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- Didn't you hear? Their god is dead, priests are thirsty, and this ship is about to dock in Gomorrah.
No one can help us now.
Vodka for everyone! No.
I'm sorry I brought you on this trip.
I'm not.
I think I finally killed somebody.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You told the truth, in song with puppets.
Gravity killed him.
Thanks for saying that.
Dad, I know how this is going to sound, but it's going to be okay.
All of it.
I think I know how I can put everything back the way it was.
- Mom's getting remarried.
- What? Peter is gonna propose.
Actually, it's probably happening right now.
No! Who wants to see a magic trick? I will now make this can of beer disappear.
No! No, no! No! Inappropriate.
Hey! No.
No drinking.
Look out below! - [DEIRDRE.]
Peanuts do not go to space, Deirdre.
- They are legumes.
Oi, and Guitar Gary will never possess the boundless joy nor the rough-and-tumble wit of Ukulele Larry.
We had to adapt.
There was not a lot we could do, given the time constraints of a global production schedule.
Is called a prenup.
It is not rocket science.
And if it was rocket science, it would not be performed by a legume! Legumes can perform all sorts of tasks! Maybe if you had performed a few more tasks, your husband would not have left you.
Is this glue? Are you gluing again? It's sunscreen.
So the rumors are true.
She glues.
We are a giraffe! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- Fuck all of you! [BOTH GRUNT.]
Is this waterproof? Uh, I don't know.
- That's a good question.
Let me see.
- Anything else? - [WATER SPLASHES.]
You're very cute.
Thank you.
I find you attractive as well.
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your brother.
We were close.
I miss him.
He could puppet a horse with his genitals.
Maybe, uh, one day you, too, could puppet a horse with your genitals.
No, not me.
I didn't even want this job.
But the Japanese Pickle Code is a byzantine web of obligation.
If a Pickles-san goes missing, the next of kin must assume the role.
They dragged me out of bed and put the tie on me! Is it true that all Pickles-sans have to take a vow of chastity? I took a vow of chastity? You know, my first time in a vessel like this, we rescued 2,000 children off the coast of Saigon.
A navy man.
Sebastiano Piccirillo.
I know we've met, but I like to watch my name travel up a woman's spine.
I'm sorry, but we were having a flirtatious conversation.
These hands once pushed a helicopter into the sea.
Imagine what they can do to a female body.
My name is Pickles-san.
You touched my brother's penis.
Prepare to die.
He did not give you consent! He wanted it! When are they getting married? I don't know.
I don't know.
So there's a chance you and mom can still work things out? No, that was never part of the plan.
You two still love each other.
- I signed the papers.
- Those are just papers.
If she marries someone else, it's really over.
It's really been over for a while.
Because you didn't try hard enough.
You should have been trying to win her back.
You should have been trying to keep this family together.
- I tried.
- I don't want you to try.
I want you to fight! Hit him with your car again.
- No, you don't want that.
- Get away from me! Will! - It was all working! - Will.
- Until today, it was all working.
- Will.
You raped my brother! He was a good man! He did not give you consent! - [NEW PICKLES-SAN MOANS.]
- Dad.
- Dad, are you in there? - [NEW PICKLES-SAN.]
Answer me.
- Dad! - Are you the Yakuza? Answer me! Are you the Yakuza? [FAINT SQUEAKING.]
Smorgas Gurka? Sucky-sucky boat-boat.
What's wrong? She raped my brother and ruined my life.
What did you say? Nothing.
- Pull! - [GUNSHOTS.]
- Get away from me.
- No, please! - Murderer! [ALL CHANTING.]
Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! [BOTH.]
Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! You killed the magic! [GUNSHOTS.]

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