Kidding (2018) s02e07 Episode Script
The Acceptance Speech
1 [DEIRDRE.]
Previously on Kidding Neither of you were here for the Pickle Wiggle fiasco of 1993.
[SEB.]
Picture that thing, but vibrating at the bottom of a cereal box.
I wanna see a place that makes Mom so happy, she'd choose that over us.
[JUDY.]
The show is a trap.
You are a terrible father! Would you please say something, anything, please? [ALL CHANTING.]
Murderer! You killed the magic! [CROWD.]
Murderer! Murderer! [LIGHT MUSIC.]
Breakfast is so boring! - Think again, kids.
- Fortissimo! Maestro Pimento Fermata! What are you doing here? Who is ready for some breakfast-a música? [YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL PLAYS.]
[BOTH.]
Wow! Awesome! [MAESTRO.]
Allora now you can be like the maestro and start your own choir by collecting all four Pickle Wigglers.
[TAP TAP TAP.]
[OPENING NOTES OF YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL.]
[MAESTRO.]
And even more good news! Best-O's is molto healthy for your body.
Mom, there's no added sugar! - Oh? - Mom, there's no artificial colors! - Oh? - Mom, there's no artificial flavors! Oh? Best-O's Cereal.
The cereal that makes you go oh! [MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
- [WOMAN.]
'Scuse me.
- [CHATTER INCREASES.]
[PA.]
Clean up, aisle seven.
[WOMEN CHATTERING.]
What the fuck do they put in this shit? [PLASTIC RUSTLING.]
Mom, there's no toy in the box! - [BUZZING, TUNE PLAYING.]
- [WOMAN.]
Ohh oh! Ohh [PERCUSSIVE, WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
[DEIRDRE.]
Dad, don't hang up.
[SEB.]
I'm eating oatmeal.
Stop calling.
I haven't seen him since the Philippines.
[JILL.]
I don't care.
He's an adult.
He'll come home.
[CLICK, BEEPING.]
[SOFT, HEAVY BREATHING.]
[CLICK.]
[BUZZING.]
[YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL PLAYING.]
- [DEIRDRE.]
Ohh ah - Mom? Mom, I'm hungry.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [DEIRDRE.]
Oh, Jesus Where'd it go? Where did it go? Where did it go? [SIGHS.]
Ooh Why are you walking like that? Because this is how stressed-out people walk when their brothers go AWOL! Oh.
What do I tell the Smithsonian if he doesn't show up? He'll be there.
He's not going to miss his own lifetime achievement award.
This is stale.
I've already lost twenty-four Mr.
Pickleses.
I can't lose 25.
Jeff lost his entire pickle family.
He's due some time on his own.
Maybe he finally Maddy.
That is insanely inappropriate.
- Go play with your axe.
- It's sleeping.
You don't think this is my fault, do you? [EXHALES SOFTLY.]
Right, because everything's my fault, always my fault just say it.
You regret putting me in charge, don't you? Just say it! Say it! Do you wish you only had one child? Tell me, honestly, right now.
I wanna hear it.
It's open season.
You are unbelievable.
Maddy, get in the car.
I wanna stay with Grandpa.
Fine! Forget it.
Were you trying to talk just now, but your brain wouldn't let you? We need to go see a doctor right now.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
[SOFT CHIMING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey! Where's Jeff? What happens if he doesn't show up? Have you thought about that? [JIMMY JONES'S GOOD TIMIN' PLAYS.]
Oh, you need timin' A tick, a tick, a tick [RAY.]
Are you kidding? You know what Kennedy'll do? He'll take this glad-ass economy we're swimming in and burn it to shit with all those damn freebie programs he's yawing about.
At least he's got what it takes to stand up to Khrushchev and the Reds.
Are you telling jokes? Nixon'll take a bite into Khrushchev's thigh and hold onto it forever like a Doberman Pincher! It's a Pinscher, not a Pincher.
- It's Pincher.
- Pinscher.
Larry, settle an argument.
- [CLATTERING.]
- [JEFF.]
Gladys.
What'd I tell you about opening the fridge? Stay in front of the bar.
[INHALES.]
Kennedy's a bootlegger but I like a bootlegger.
Better than that war hawk Dick Nixon.
Larry served.
I was a sniper in Korea.
Took out a lotta bad guys.
No big deal.
Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher, but he's a family man too.
You got kids, Larry? Phil, Will, Bill, Gil, Til, and Dill all boys.
Larry with the strong semen! - [LARRY LAUGHS.]
- Oh, yeah, and they're all gonna vote Nixon, Larry! [LARRY.]
Aw, come on! Larry, I'm still waitin' on that Sidecar.
Sorry, Babs.
Next one's on the house.
You're a prince, Larry.
Ha.
Tell ya what.
Next one's on the house for everybody.
- Oh! - Oh! - Hey, Larry! - Larry! Larry! [ALL.]
Larry, Larry! - Larry, Larry! - I need a quick refill.
[FADING.]
Larry, Larry [MUSIC STOPS.]
They're dry as a bone out there.
Good.
Ha.
Let's keep it that way.
- [SMALL SIGH.]
- [LIQUID POURING.]
You good, man? Uh I should get going.
Do you wanna be buried, cremated, - or drowned? - What? [CHATTER, PA ANNOUNCEMENT.]
Did you see that woman? - What woman? - It's the strangest thing.
She looked exactly like my ex-wife exactly.
I thought you hated her.
I do.
I also love her.
I get it.
I really get it.
Wait here.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [DEBRINCAT.]
Sebastian.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I had a momentary inability to speak.
But everything feels tip-top now.
I'm afraid your blood work tells a complicated story of love and loss.
- It does? - It does what? I'm sorry.
What did you say? I said you've had a minor stroke.
Oh, well, well, that's what I thought.
And you're at risk for a major one.
- Should she be here? - She's my nurse.
Maddy, do you wanna leave? - No.
- [MURMURS.]
All right.
[DEBRINCAT.]
Your red blood cell count it's high.
It's like California and earthquakes.
The Big One could come tomorrow.
Could be a week, a month.
- A year? - I didn't say a year.
Your heart sounds scared.
Hey, let's just keep this our little secret, okay? Pinky promise.
Pinky promise.
Is there a cure for dementia, Alzheimer's? No.
But can we treat it? Yes.
With quality memory care.
Inside of these walls, it is 1960 all day, every day.
Mickey Mantle bats for the Yankees and Eisenhower sits in the Oval.
[SMALL LAUGH.]
Nostalgia therapy comforts the fragile mind from from outbursts Could you excuse me for one second? - [MAN.]
Sure.
- Thank you.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
What's up, man? [SIGHS.]
- Can I stay a little longer? - You're Jeff Pickles.
You can stay as long as you want.
That's not true, Cornell.
No, no, I really don't mind.
You should know by now that visiting hours don't apply to you.
No, I mean you said I'm Jeff Pickles, but he isn't born for another eight years.
Have I shown you the bus stop? [MELLOW '60S EASY LISTENING.]
[LOW BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
[CORNELL.]
It's new since your last visit.
Solved a big problem for us what to do when a patient wants to leave.
So now when they get that itch to go, an aide comes and brings them to the bus stop, and they wait until they forget why they wanted to leave in the first place.
And they just go right back inside.
[SIGHS.]
But don't you feel like you're lying to the elderly and demented? A lie is for you.
This is for them.
We call it compassionate deception.
But the bus will never come and she'll never get to leave.
And Larry'll never get to vote for Nixon.
But he can make a mean mocktail.
Most of the people who want to leave are trying to go somewhere that doesn't exist anymore.
[HUFFS.]
Do we tell them the spouse they wanna get to died 30 years ago or that their childhood home is now a Walmart? - Reality is the disease.
- Mm-hmm.
The fantasy is the pill.
So it's not a lie if it heals.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[SOFTLY.]
Exactly.
[MAN.]
Dad? Could you help me get ready? Sure, son.
[MELLOW MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[CHAPLAIN.]
Since first meeting him as an OSU sophomore, I knew Jeff Pickles would go on to touch countless lives around the world.
In that spirit, let us take a moment of silence to honor Filipino Mr.
Pickles who was brutally murdered by his own government.
[YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL PLAYING, MUFFLED.]
[MUSIC FADES.]
We've been having some trouble selling that sad, empty house next door, but I think if we combine the two lots, yours and his, some happy person could build a spectacular Monterey Colonial.
Wait, what I would sell too? It's time.
Don't you agree? Change! What's a Monterey Colonial? [PHONE CHIMING.]
Ugh.
[INHALES.]
- [CHIMING.]
- [WHISPERS.]
Hold on.
Hello? [SOFTLY.]
Can you come to where I am right now? I'm not going to that awards thing.
Neither is Will.
Stop asking.
[SIGHS.]
Deirdre? What? - You called me.
- Yes.
Did you hear what I said? [DEIRDRE.]
I need immediate medical attention.
Go to a hospital.
It's a personal situation.
Can you come here? Your family's not, you know, I'm not We're not related anymore.
I'm your son's aunt! - Which makes us - Sisters! What is wrong with you? Currently, I mean, medically.
I really don't want the federal government - listening in on this one.
- [TUNE PLAYS.]
Well, I'm just in the middle Can you please come down here? After church, can we go fishing? A day on the lake? I love lakes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- That's a great idea.
Bobby Ledbetter said he caught a 5-pounder the other day.
- Ooh - But I don't believe him.
Well, it's better to believe someone who's lying than to doubt someone who's telling the truth.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, you're a good dad.
So then you take that big long one, and then you're done.
You think you can do that next time? I might have to ask you to show me again.
Well, I'll be here.
Who the fuck are you? - [MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [JEFF INAUDIBLE.]
[JEFF.]
And two, and three It was the wedding of our dreams, wasn't it, Leonard? Your vows brought me to my knees.
[EDITH.]
The scent of fresh lilies.
[JEFF.]
The sunlight splashed across your face.
[EDITH.]
It was perfect, wasn't it? I was so worried about the salmon, but it was everybody's favorite.
Even Aunt Beth went back for seconds.
[LAUGHING.]
And you know how she can be.
Who's Beth? Do you love me? I love you to the moon, Leonard.
[HUSKILY.]
I love you to the moon wife.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Spin! You're so lucky to do this every day.
[LAUGHTER, BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
[EDITH.]
Oh now dip me like one of your French women.
[INHALES.]
Only in my dreams Only in my dreams [MUSIC FADES.]
Hi, Mom.
You're confused.
I'm Louise.
Hi, Louise.
I'm your son.
No.
[LAUGHS.]
No.
I don't think so.
[LAUGHING.]
So where ya headed, Louise? A place that makes me happy.
Niagara Falls? How did you know? Just a guess.
My sister lives there.
I wish I could go with you.
No, I'm going alone.
[DEIRDRE.]
Cock fucker! Son of a fuck! I can't wait to get out - of this fucking family! - Please hurry.
Every time it sings, it goes up further.
- [TUNE PLAYING.]
- [DEIRDRE.]
Oh ooh [JILL.]
You wouldn't have had this problem with the alto.
How was Hershey Park? Scott and I went there once, but he thought the room was haunted.
Hershey Park is an adolescent nightmare.
It's not even ironically enjoyable.
Just because you appreciate chocolate doesn't mean you appreciate a chocolate roller coaster.
But filter "I love chocolate" through a man's brain, and whatever, doesn't matter.
I don't matter.
Nothing matters except for the plumbing of my ex-husband's sister's vagina.
- Did something happen? - Jesus, did this thing take the subway? You're not wearing your ring.
- I really need to concentrate.
- Will said Peter was proposing.
Oh, really? He said this on the plane ride back from being kidnapped - to the Philippines? - No.
On the chopper, leaving the fishing vessel.
I told Peter I needed time to think.
- You told him no? - I said I need time because I need time.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- Because you still love Jeff.
I definitely have zero feelings for that man - zero! - [WOMAN.]
Are you two okay in there? - [JILL.]
Yeah, we're good.
- [DEIRDRE.]
We're just fine.
Thank you.
Here, do this for me.
Hey, that's the woman, her.
That's Grandma.
Are you sure that's Grandma? Ah, you never forget your first wife.
That's not really Grandma.
No, but she's a dead ringer.
Go over and say something.
- What about you? - Don't worry about me.
- I wouldn't know what to say.
- Go, or I'll kill myself.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Excuse me.
- Yes? - I'm sorry, but you look exactly like my ex-wife.
That's a terrible line.
[MURMURS.]
Oh, my name is Sebastiano.
Most everybody calls me Seb.
And I wonder, um would you have a meal with me? I'm busy at the moment, but you knew that already.
You should eat after you do these things or you'll pass out.
I have plans.
I understand.
Sebastiano.
Yes.
Give me a reason to cancel my plans.
I'll give you one tonight.
And another tomorrow morning.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Your tux reminds me of a dream I had last night.
Oh, God.
Ha.
There's nothing more annoying than hearing about someone's dreams.
That's not true.
Nobody hated Martin Luther King.
Well, somebody did.
- Oh! - [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
[WOMAN.]
You can't make that joke.
[BOTH.]
Fuck you! [SNICKERING.]
Are you sure we've never met? [LAUGHS.]
Excuse me for a moment.
Wait a minute there's something I wanna tell you.
You should know that I had a small stroke today, but I'm fine.
I'm completely fine.
Glad to hear it.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC FADES.]
[DINNER MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
What? Have you ever felt that life is sometimes suddenly so magical? Yes.
But when you say it, it sounds stupid.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[SEB.]
Mmm.
What's beating you up, little boy? Guess I just don't wanna be me.
What's the me you wanna be? Someone whose wife isn't remarrying an anesthesiologist.
Someone whose son is still talking to him.
Someone who can cope ha with his feelings.
You can feel anything at all.
Anything at all, you can feel it.
[WHISPERS.]
Thanks.
That's good advice.
It's not advice.
I read that on the back of a prophylactic.
Oh.
There's a way out, if you wanna hear it.
See, I've got a bastard of a husband and two kids I can't stand.
- You love your kids.
- They're paperweights.
Adorable, funny paperweights.
But the good news is you can always escape.
You can? - Sure.
- Oh.
It's easy.
Failure doesn't have to follow you.
I'm escaping to Niagara Falls to where my sister lives.
You want out? You just have to get on the bus.
And the bus always shows up.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
I have to go home.
[CHAPLAIN.]
As a monotheist, I always believed there was one creator.
Until I met our next speaker.
Please welcome the alchemist who creates all those wonderful creatures on Puppet Time, Deirdre Piccirillo.
Deirdre? Is she here? Go to the E.
R.
You know whose fault this is? Duterte.
He turned the Philippines into a police state.
He has oppressed his people for too long.
You can't just heave a man off a building for singing about divorce! The problem is men.
That's the common thread here.
Scott a man steals my furniture, my puppets, ends my marriage? - Sure.
- Thank you! And Dad it's like, why are you trusting me? Me? You can't trust me! - [JILL CHUCKLES.]
- For the past 30 years, all I'm doing is making puppets.
And now I'm in charge.
That's great planning, Dad.
[STRAINED LAUGH.]
That's on you, Pop.
Anyone else on your list? Yeah! Who doesn't show up for their own lifetime achievement award? Selfish people.
When I get an award for giving away all the money I embezzled, I show the fuck up.
Uh-uh, no.
What? You're a mess.
You've always been a mess.
All that is happening to you is your fault and no one else's.
In no uncertain terms, you are the architect of your own catastrophe except maybe the Duterte thing, but he's a dictator.
You chose who to marry.
You chose your job.
You chose to put Jeff on the air with very few guardrails.
You chose to manufacture a doll that listens to children sleeping, and you chose to stick a very expensive vibrating pickle into your vagina! I'm sorry.
You twisted its head, you made it burrow, you made it sing you! Your fault, you! You are Duterte! I've been fucking myself this whole time! [THWUP, CLATTER.]
[VIBRATING, PLAYING YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL.]
[GASPS.]
- [CONTINUES PLAYING.]
- [EXHALES.]
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [FOOTSTEPS HURRY AWAY.]
I can't keep chasing her, can I? No, man.
Can't.
Sooner or later, you gotta accept reality.
Sooner is better.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Good evening.
I'm Jeff Pickles.
[APPLAUSE FADES.]
You know, my whole life I felt I had to choose between my job and my family.
And it took me till today to realize how easy that choice is.
Because one of them is real and one is a fantasy.
[JIMMY JONES'S GOOD TIMIN' PLAYS.]
Oh, you need timin' A tick, a tick, a tick of good timin' A tock, a tock, a tock, a tock Timin' is the thing, it's true Good timin' brought me to you [VOCALIZING.]
What would happen if you and I Hadn't just happened to meet? We might have spent the rest of our lives Walkin' down misery street, but we had Timin', a tick, a tick, a tick Good timin', a tock, a tock, a tock, a tock Timin' is the thing, it's true Good timin' brought me to you
Previously on Kidding Neither of you were here for the Pickle Wiggle fiasco of 1993.
[SEB.]
Picture that thing, but vibrating at the bottom of a cereal box.
I wanna see a place that makes Mom so happy, she'd choose that over us.
[JUDY.]
The show is a trap.
You are a terrible father! Would you please say something, anything, please? [ALL CHANTING.]
Murderer! You killed the magic! [CROWD.]
Murderer! Murderer! [LIGHT MUSIC.]
Breakfast is so boring! - Think again, kids.
- Fortissimo! Maestro Pimento Fermata! What are you doing here? Who is ready for some breakfast-a música? [YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL PLAYS.]
[BOTH.]
Wow! Awesome! [MAESTRO.]
Allora now you can be like the maestro and start your own choir by collecting all four Pickle Wigglers.
[TAP TAP TAP.]
[OPENING NOTES OF YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL.]
[MAESTRO.]
And even more good news! Best-O's is molto healthy for your body.
Mom, there's no added sugar! - Oh? - Mom, there's no artificial colors! - Oh? - Mom, there's no artificial flavors! Oh? Best-O's Cereal.
The cereal that makes you go oh! [MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
- [WOMAN.]
'Scuse me.
- [CHATTER INCREASES.]
[PA.]
Clean up, aisle seven.
[WOMEN CHATTERING.]
What the fuck do they put in this shit? [PLASTIC RUSTLING.]
Mom, there's no toy in the box! - [BUZZING, TUNE PLAYING.]
- [WOMAN.]
Ohh oh! Ohh [PERCUSSIVE, WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
[DEIRDRE.]
Dad, don't hang up.
[SEB.]
I'm eating oatmeal.
Stop calling.
I haven't seen him since the Philippines.
[JILL.]
I don't care.
He's an adult.
He'll come home.
[CLICK, BEEPING.]
[SOFT, HEAVY BREATHING.]
[CLICK.]
[BUZZING.]
[YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL PLAYING.]
- [DEIRDRE.]
Ohh ah - Mom? Mom, I'm hungry.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [DEIRDRE.]
Oh, Jesus Where'd it go? Where did it go? Where did it go? [SIGHS.]
Ooh Why are you walking like that? Because this is how stressed-out people walk when their brothers go AWOL! Oh.
What do I tell the Smithsonian if he doesn't show up? He'll be there.
He's not going to miss his own lifetime achievement award.
This is stale.
I've already lost twenty-four Mr.
Pickleses.
I can't lose 25.
Jeff lost his entire pickle family.
He's due some time on his own.
Maybe he finally Maddy.
That is insanely inappropriate.
- Go play with your axe.
- It's sleeping.
You don't think this is my fault, do you? [EXHALES SOFTLY.]
Right, because everything's my fault, always my fault just say it.
You regret putting me in charge, don't you? Just say it! Say it! Do you wish you only had one child? Tell me, honestly, right now.
I wanna hear it.
It's open season.
You are unbelievable.
Maddy, get in the car.
I wanna stay with Grandpa.
Fine! Forget it.
Were you trying to talk just now, but your brain wouldn't let you? We need to go see a doctor right now.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
[SOFT CHIMING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey! Where's Jeff? What happens if he doesn't show up? Have you thought about that? [JIMMY JONES'S GOOD TIMIN' PLAYS.]
Oh, you need timin' A tick, a tick, a tick [RAY.]
Are you kidding? You know what Kennedy'll do? He'll take this glad-ass economy we're swimming in and burn it to shit with all those damn freebie programs he's yawing about.
At least he's got what it takes to stand up to Khrushchev and the Reds.
Are you telling jokes? Nixon'll take a bite into Khrushchev's thigh and hold onto it forever like a Doberman Pincher! It's a Pinscher, not a Pincher.
- It's Pincher.
- Pinscher.
Larry, settle an argument.
- [CLATTERING.]
- [JEFF.]
Gladys.
What'd I tell you about opening the fridge? Stay in front of the bar.
[INHALES.]
Kennedy's a bootlegger but I like a bootlegger.
Better than that war hawk Dick Nixon.
Larry served.
I was a sniper in Korea.
Took out a lotta bad guys.
No big deal.
Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher, but he's a family man too.
You got kids, Larry? Phil, Will, Bill, Gil, Til, and Dill all boys.
Larry with the strong semen! - [LARRY LAUGHS.]
- Oh, yeah, and they're all gonna vote Nixon, Larry! [LARRY.]
Aw, come on! Larry, I'm still waitin' on that Sidecar.
Sorry, Babs.
Next one's on the house.
You're a prince, Larry.
Ha.
Tell ya what.
Next one's on the house for everybody.
- Oh! - Oh! - Hey, Larry! - Larry! Larry! [ALL.]
Larry, Larry! - Larry, Larry! - I need a quick refill.
[FADING.]
Larry, Larry [MUSIC STOPS.]
They're dry as a bone out there.
Good.
Ha.
Let's keep it that way.
- [SMALL SIGH.]
- [LIQUID POURING.]
You good, man? Uh I should get going.
Do you wanna be buried, cremated, - or drowned? - What? [CHATTER, PA ANNOUNCEMENT.]
Did you see that woman? - What woman? - It's the strangest thing.
She looked exactly like my ex-wife exactly.
I thought you hated her.
I do.
I also love her.
I get it.
I really get it.
Wait here.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [DEBRINCAT.]
Sebastian.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I had a momentary inability to speak.
But everything feels tip-top now.
I'm afraid your blood work tells a complicated story of love and loss.
- It does? - It does what? I'm sorry.
What did you say? I said you've had a minor stroke.
Oh, well, well, that's what I thought.
And you're at risk for a major one.
- Should she be here? - She's my nurse.
Maddy, do you wanna leave? - No.
- [MURMURS.]
All right.
[DEBRINCAT.]
Your red blood cell count it's high.
It's like California and earthquakes.
The Big One could come tomorrow.
Could be a week, a month.
- A year? - I didn't say a year.
Your heart sounds scared.
Hey, let's just keep this our little secret, okay? Pinky promise.
Pinky promise.
Is there a cure for dementia, Alzheimer's? No.
But can we treat it? Yes.
With quality memory care.
Inside of these walls, it is 1960 all day, every day.
Mickey Mantle bats for the Yankees and Eisenhower sits in the Oval.
[SMALL LAUGH.]
Nostalgia therapy comforts the fragile mind from from outbursts Could you excuse me for one second? - [MAN.]
Sure.
- Thank you.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
What's up, man? [SIGHS.]
- Can I stay a little longer? - You're Jeff Pickles.
You can stay as long as you want.
That's not true, Cornell.
No, no, I really don't mind.
You should know by now that visiting hours don't apply to you.
No, I mean you said I'm Jeff Pickles, but he isn't born for another eight years.
Have I shown you the bus stop? [MELLOW '60S EASY LISTENING.]
[LOW BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
[CORNELL.]
It's new since your last visit.
Solved a big problem for us what to do when a patient wants to leave.
So now when they get that itch to go, an aide comes and brings them to the bus stop, and they wait until they forget why they wanted to leave in the first place.
And they just go right back inside.
[SIGHS.]
But don't you feel like you're lying to the elderly and demented? A lie is for you.
This is for them.
We call it compassionate deception.
But the bus will never come and she'll never get to leave.
And Larry'll never get to vote for Nixon.
But he can make a mean mocktail.
Most of the people who want to leave are trying to go somewhere that doesn't exist anymore.
[HUFFS.]
Do we tell them the spouse they wanna get to died 30 years ago or that their childhood home is now a Walmart? - Reality is the disease.
- Mm-hmm.
The fantasy is the pill.
So it's not a lie if it heals.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[SOFTLY.]
Exactly.
[MAN.]
Dad? Could you help me get ready? Sure, son.
[MELLOW MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[CHAPLAIN.]
Since first meeting him as an OSU sophomore, I knew Jeff Pickles would go on to touch countless lives around the world.
In that spirit, let us take a moment of silence to honor Filipino Mr.
Pickles who was brutally murdered by his own government.
[YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL PLAYING, MUFFLED.]
[MUSIC FADES.]
We've been having some trouble selling that sad, empty house next door, but I think if we combine the two lots, yours and his, some happy person could build a spectacular Monterey Colonial.
Wait, what I would sell too? It's time.
Don't you agree? Change! What's a Monterey Colonial? [PHONE CHIMING.]
Ugh.
[INHALES.]
- [CHIMING.]
- [WHISPERS.]
Hold on.
Hello? [SOFTLY.]
Can you come to where I am right now? I'm not going to that awards thing.
Neither is Will.
Stop asking.
[SIGHS.]
Deirdre? What? - You called me.
- Yes.
Did you hear what I said? [DEIRDRE.]
I need immediate medical attention.
Go to a hospital.
It's a personal situation.
Can you come here? Your family's not, you know, I'm not We're not related anymore.
I'm your son's aunt! - Which makes us - Sisters! What is wrong with you? Currently, I mean, medically.
I really don't want the federal government - listening in on this one.
- [TUNE PLAYS.]
Well, I'm just in the middle Can you please come down here? After church, can we go fishing? A day on the lake? I love lakes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- That's a great idea.
Bobby Ledbetter said he caught a 5-pounder the other day.
- Ooh - But I don't believe him.
Well, it's better to believe someone who's lying than to doubt someone who's telling the truth.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, you're a good dad.
So then you take that big long one, and then you're done.
You think you can do that next time? I might have to ask you to show me again.
Well, I'll be here.
Who the fuck are you? - [MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [JEFF INAUDIBLE.]
[JEFF.]
And two, and three It was the wedding of our dreams, wasn't it, Leonard? Your vows brought me to my knees.
[EDITH.]
The scent of fresh lilies.
[JEFF.]
The sunlight splashed across your face.
[EDITH.]
It was perfect, wasn't it? I was so worried about the salmon, but it was everybody's favorite.
Even Aunt Beth went back for seconds.
[LAUGHING.]
And you know how she can be.
Who's Beth? Do you love me? I love you to the moon, Leonard.
[HUSKILY.]
I love you to the moon wife.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Spin! You're so lucky to do this every day.
[LAUGHTER, BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
[EDITH.]
Oh now dip me like one of your French women.
[INHALES.]
Only in my dreams Only in my dreams [MUSIC FADES.]
Hi, Mom.
You're confused.
I'm Louise.
Hi, Louise.
I'm your son.
No.
[LAUGHS.]
No.
I don't think so.
[LAUGHING.]
So where ya headed, Louise? A place that makes me happy.
Niagara Falls? How did you know? Just a guess.
My sister lives there.
I wish I could go with you.
No, I'm going alone.
[DEIRDRE.]
Cock fucker! Son of a fuck! I can't wait to get out - of this fucking family! - Please hurry.
Every time it sings, it goes up further.
- [TUNE PLAYING.]
- [DEIRDRE.]
Oh ooh [JILL.]
You wouldn't have had this problem with the alto.
How was Hershey Park? Scott and I went there once, but he thought the room was haunted.
Hershey Park is an adolescent nightmare.
It's not even ironically enjoyable.
Just because you appreciate chocolate doesn't mean you appreciate a chocolate roller coaster.
But filter "I love chocolate" through a man's brain, and whatever, doesn't matter.
I don't matter.
Nothing matters except for the plumbing of my ex-husband's sister's vagina.
- Did something happen? - Jesus, did this thing take the subway? You're not wearing your ring.
- I really need to concentrate.
- Will said Peter was proposing.
Oh, really? He said this on the plane ride back from being kidnapped - to the Philippines? - No.
On the chopper, leaving the fishing vessel.
I told Peter I needed time to think.
- You told him no? - I said I need time because I need time.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- Because you still love Jeff.
I definitely have zero feelings for that man - zero! - [WOMAN.]
Are you two okay in there? - [JILL.]
Yeah, we're good.
- [DEIRDRE.]
We're just fine.
Thank you.
Here, do this for me.
Hey, that's the woman, her.
That's Grandma.
Are you sure that's Grandma? Ah, you never forget your first wife.
That's not really Grandma.
No, but she's a dead ringer.
Go over and say something.
- What about you? - Don't worry about me.
- I wouldn't know what to say.
- Go, or I'll kill myself.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Excuse me.
- Yes? - I'm sorry, but you look exactly like my ex-wife.
That's a terrible line.
[MURMURS.]
Oh, my name is Sebastiano.
Most everybody calls me Seb.
And I wonder, um would you have a meal with me? I'm busy at the moment, but you knew that already.
You should eat after you do these things or you'll pass out.
I have plans.
I understand.
Sebastiano.
Yes.
Give me a reason to cancel my plans.
I'll give you one tonight.
And another tomorrow morning.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Your tux reminds me of a dream I had last night.
Oh, God.
Ha.
There's nothing more annoying than hearing about someone's dreams.
That's not true.
Nobody hated Martin Luther King.
Well, somebody did.
- Oh! - [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
[WOMAN.]
You can't make that joke.
[BOTH.]
Fuck you! [SNICKERING.]
Are you sure we've never met? [LAUGHS.]
Excuse me for a moment.
Wait a minute there's something I wanna tell you.
You should know that I had a small stroke today, but I'm fine.
I'm completely fine.
Glad to hear it.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC FADES.]
[DINNER MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
What? Have you ever felt that life is sometimes suddenly so magical? Yes.
But when you say it, it sounds stupid.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[SEB.]
Mmm.
What's beating you up, little boy? Guess I just don't wanna be me.
What's the me you wanna be? Someone whose wife isn't remarrying an anesthesiologist.
Someone whose son is still talking to him.
Someone who can cope ha with his feelings.
You can feel anything at all.
Anything at all, you can feel it.
[WHISPERS.]
Thanks.
That's good advice.
It's not advice.
I read that on the back of a prophylactic.
Oh.
There's a way out, if you wanna hear it.
See, I've got a bastard of a husband and two kids I can't stand.
- You love your kids.
- They're paperweights.
Adorable, funny paperweights.
But the good news is you can always escape.
You can? - Sure.
- Oh.
It's easy.
Failure doesn't have to follow you.
I'm escaping to Niagara Falls to where my sister lives.
You want out? You just have to get on the bus.
And the bus always shows up.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
I have to go home.
[CHAPLAIN.]
As a monotheist, I always believed there was one creator.
Until I met our next speaker.
Please welcome the alchemist who creates all those wonderful creatures on Puppet Time, Deirdre Piccirillo.
Deirdre? Is she here? Go to the E.
R.
You know whose fault this is? Duterte.
He turned the Philippines into a police state.
He has oppressed his people for too long.
You can't just heave a man off a building for singing about divorce! The problem is men.
That's the common thread here.
Scott a man steals my furniture, my puppets, ends my marriage? - Sure.
- Thank you! And Dad it's like, why are you trusting me? Me? You can't trust me! - [JILL CHUCKLES.]
- For the past 30 years, all I'm doing is making puppets.
And now I'm in charge.
That's great planning, Dad.
[STRAINED LAUGH.]
That's on you, Pop.
Anyone else on your list? Yeah! Who doesn't show up for their own lifetime achievement award? Selfish people.
When I get an award for giving away all the money I embezzled, I show the fuck up.
Uh-uh, no.
What? You're a mess.
You've always been a mess.
All that is happening to you is your fault and no one else's.
In no uncertain terms, you are the architect of your own catastrophe except maybe the Duterte thing, but he's a dictator.
You chose who to marry.
You chose your job.
You chose to put Jeff on the air with very few guardrails.
You chose to manufacture a doll that listens to children sleeping, and you chose to stick a very expensive vibrating pickle into your vagina! I'm sorry.
You twisted its head, you made it burrow, you made it sing you! Your fault, you! You are Duterte! I've been fucking myself this whole time! [THWUP, CLATTER.]
[VIBRATING, PLAYING YOU CAN FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL.]
[GASPS.]
- [CONTINUES PLAYING.]
- [EXHALES.]
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [FOOTSTEPS HURRY AWAY.]
I can't keep chasing her, can I? No, man.
Can't.
Sooner or later, you gotta accept reality.
Sooner is better.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Good evening.
I'm Jeff Pickles.
[APPLAUSE FADES.]
You know, my whole life I felt I had to choose between my job and my family.
And it took me till today to realize how easy that choice is.
Because one of them is real and one is a fantasy.
[JIMMY JONES'S GOOD TIMIN' PLAYS.]
Oh, you need timin' A tick, a tick, a tick of good timin' A tock, a tock, a tock, a tock Timin' is the thing, it's true Good timin' brought me to you [VOCALIZING.]
What would happen if you and I Hadn't just happened to meet? We might have spent the rest of our lives Walkin' down misery street, but we had Timin', a tick, a tick, a tick Good timin', a tock, a tock, a tock, a tock Timin' is the thing, it's true Good timin' brought me to you