Kiff (2021) s01e11 Episode Script

(theme song plays)
CHORUS: Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff-Kiff-Kiff! ♪
Kiff-Kiff-Kiff-Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! ♪
(giggle)
ANNOUNCER: Brought to you by
Dancing on the Tables:
Table Town's number one
reality dance show.
I love a field trip. Boy, do I.
Me too, Bar, I just hope
this line starts moving.
(wind blows)
(helicopter approaches)
Whoa.
It's the kids from Tuft Pierre School.
The Tuft Pierre kids get to skip the line?
It's okay. Waiting in line
builds character.
(samba music playing)
Behold, the rich miracle of life.
-(dolphin squeaks)
-Look, more rich miracles ahead.
This isn't an aquarium,
we're at a rich-people-arium.
It's okay.
Not getting to commune
with dolphins builds character.
(cheering)
Anyone bring X-ray glasses?
Mmm, lovely marble.
(grunts) Not being able to see
this once-in-a-lifetime show
builds character.
Kiff, I'm up to my neck in character.
I got character coming out of my ears.
Okay. You're right.
Let's go get our splash on.
(rock music playing)
Oh, hello, dry child!
The splash zone isn't
for the likes of you. (laughs)
Begone.
Hi there, Kiff Chatterley,
I'm sure there's enough space
in the Splash Zone for all of us.
Oh, yes, there is space for all of us,
who can afford it!
Ooh!
(water flowing)
(seashell horn)
Hey, why are you acting
like you're better than us?
Because everything about Tuft Pierre
is better than Table Town School.
ALL: Is not!
Is, too. I mean, look at your mascot.
(vocalizes)
(all gasp)
You leave Timmy Table out of this!
Fine. Let's talk Principals.
Hmm? Ours is cutting edge!
Aw, our principal could cut a hedge!
(groans) It's my Field Trip tie.
(laughs) Bless him.
Swan is far superior.
And why is that?
Not only is she a principal,
she was even on the television show
Dancing on the Tables.
Our principal could totally
out-dance your principal.
Is that a challenge?
Yes. It is.
Great! Then sign this contract
saying our principals
shall have a dance off, hmm?
TIMMY TABLE: Uh, Kiff, I don't
think this is such a good idea.
Quiet, Timmy Table.
(laughs) You are hilarious.
Prepare to be crushed.
(both laugh snobbishly)
Oh, photo moment!
Oh, Kiff, Barry, come on in!
Oops! Didn't see ya there: Reggie, Trevor,
Renée, Candle. Also, come in.
(grunts)
(clears throat)
With regards to the terrible
field trip yesterday
(chuckles) Um. I remember
a top tier field trip!
It began with a wild line, and
ended behind a stately pillar.
We're talking about
the same field trip, yeah?
Well, actually, PS,
we did not have a good time.
I mean, those Tuft Pierre kids
really chapped our hides!
Anyway, now we need you to beat
their principal in a dance off.
That is specific.
You'll have a chance to
represent Table Town School!
Well, if you put it that way. I accept.
(all cheer)
Now let's see ya dance.
Okay, prepare to be impressed.
I took dance lessons when I was a kid.
Oh, yes. (chuckles)
-(passes wind)
-Ah! (laughs)
Mm-hmm.
How long since you've been a kid?
Was that not good?
(sighs) It wasn't, was it?
I know it wasn't.
Don't know why I'm asking.
How are we gonna beat Tuft Pierre?
Keep soothing. I have an idea.
(classical music plays)
(all gasp)
Who's gasping at my moves?
Helen, I need you--
uh, your school needs you!
-Pass.
-PS really can't dance
and so I need your moves
to beat Swan in the dance off,
to prove Tuft Pierre
is not better than us.
Uh, Swan is the principal
of Tuft Pierre by the way
Haha! I know who Swan is.
We've been dance adversaries for years.
I'd have beaten her for third alternate
on Dancing On The Tables,
if it wasn't for the incident.
So you'll help? Wait, what incident?
Here. Put those on Principal Secretary.
I'll do the rest.
I was the belle of the balls!
You should have seen me dance.
Now I'm terrible.
I'm as terrible at dancing
as I am at planning
field trips apparently.
No way! You-- you just need to warm up.
Barry! Magic dance socks.
These will fix your lackluster moves
No, wait let's not tell him.
He needs a confidence boost.
(sad music playing)
PS. I've been doing some research.
Turns out, professional dancers all say
you just gotta warm up your feet.
Works every time, apparently. Try these!
Okay, here we go.
(grunts)
(upbeat electronic music plays)
Oh! (chuckles)
Oh! Ahh!
Whoo! (laughs)
(music continues to play)
Woo! I still got it!
Perfect.
(wind blowing)
Dance off! Dance off! Dance Off! ♪
Dance off! Dance off! Dance Off! ♪
Dance off! Dance off! ♪
(dramatic music playing)
(classical music playing)
Oh, she is good.
Principal Swan! Principal Swan!
Principal Swan!
This is a mistake. I should not be here.
We're every bit as good
as those Tuft Pierrians, PS.
Now get out there and prove me right!
Okay, all right.
Table Town school.
Top tier school. Let's go!
(upbeat electronic music playing)
(music continues to play)
(cheering)
(cheering)
(music continues)
(all gasp) Ooh!
(music ends)
Whoo!
Oh, well.
ALL: Table Town School!
Table Town School!
Table Town School! Table Town School!
(gasps) How dare they!
(indistinct whispering)
TUFT PIERRE POODLE: Oh, that's diabolical!
Why are you so smug? You lost!
-Did we?
-Yes!
Well, the town's going to hear
that Principal Swan won.
My dad owns the Table Town Tribune.
We already did the mock-up
for tomorrow's paper!
(snobby laughter)
Oh, that's rich.
(aghast) They they can't do that!
They just did.
Give it up, Kiff.
They're just better than us.
They're not! We just need to
We just need to
To tell our story on
Dancing on the Tables.
What?
It just so happens to be
produced by my daddy.
Everyone will find out
that we won the dance off.
Get daddy on the phone.
Helen! Haha! Hi.
I didn't see you over there
in the garbage can.
I guess you aren't the only
dancer in Table Town, huh?
(laughs maniacally)
Kiff! A word?
Whoa! Uh-- I guess I'm off!
Um, Principal Secretary seems
to think he's the one dancing.
And I'm confused that no one
is showering me with praise.
I just feel so good about
myself again! Wow.
We are telling him, right?
That I'm the dancer?
Yeah, yeah-- Helen--
that's what I'll tell him.
(grunts) I've got bigger fish to fry.
That's what you'll tell him.
Yes, that's what you'll tell him.
(upbeat music)
ROY FOX: Get ready
for the television event
of the year!
The students of Table Town
School come to you live,
to tell the true story of the most amazing
Underground Dance Off
you've never heard of
Until tonight.
Only on Dancing on the Tables!
Looks good.
(upbeat music playing)
I just have a few humble words
to say, about how far I've come.
Great. Yeah. Then we see Principal Swan
do her boring dance that
never won the dance off at all.
Liars!
Imagine thinking print
would have more reach
than reality TV. (laughs)
I got a delivery here for Kiff Chatterley.
Ooh, this looks nice.
TUFT PIERRE POODLE:
Enjoy these expensive treats!
They should comfort you later
when you inevitably fail!
Love and smooches, Tuft Pierre.
So who was it from?
(gasps)
(dramatic music)
How does it feel to be the best
dancer in Table Town?
Oh, no.
Helen. No no no. Wait, wait, wait.
Helen, thanks for coming to support me.
Uh, could you be a lamb
and fetch me a bottled water?
No bubbles please, it's a dancer thing.
I don't fetch. I'm the dancer.
-Wait, Helen!
-Where'd you think
the magic socks came from, Bud?
I'm giving you my moves,
you should be bringing me water!
PS, don't let this cramp your confidence.
"Magic socks"? Ha! Helen,
(scoffs) The only thing magic
here are my dance moves.
Now don't be jealous.
Everyone knows
I made it here on raw talent.
(screeching)
ROY FOX: We're ready for run through!
Okay, this dance number
isn't going to rehearse itself.
(growls)
Helen. We don't have time
to convince him now.
Please, do the rehearsal?
You'll get all the praise
when you're done.
-I promise.
-(groans) Fine.
Okay, now's when you jump onto the stage.
Ahh, then we leap
(grunts)
Raw. Talent.
Maybe this'll get through to him.
(grunts)
What?! Ahh!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Huh? Ahh!
Whoa!
Whoa! Okay!
The socks are magic! The socks are magic!
Whoa! Ahh!
What is this? If you can't dance,
we'll get someone else. Kenny!
-My moment!
-(fanfare plays)
Kenny, no. Get out of here.
Aww.
Mr. Fox, I'll sort it out.
I'll make sure he's ready. Somehow.
HELEN: Without me, you'd never
have done such a good job!
PRINCIPAL SECRETARY: Well, without me,
you wouldn't even have a job!
Ah, special treats for my two stars.
(sighs) Look. I know you two are angry,
but you're forgetting that
there's something we hate
more than each other. Tuft Pierre!
"In a humiliating display
of mediocre moves,
Table Town School was trounced
by Tuft Pierre"
Ugh! They're the worst!
We won fair and square!
Exactly! Well, we didn't--
but we deserved to win fair and square.
We do deserve to win.
Helen did a really nice thing
knitting these socks for you,
wouldn't you say, PS?
They are comfy.
I'm sorry. I should've known I didn't have
the Joie De Vivre to dance professionally.
Well, you are a good puppet.
Long legs. More flair
than I expected, I guess.
Now let's show everyone
that Table Town School
is the best school around!
ALL: Yeah!
(sneezes)
Gerard, turn on the gold TV please.
(spooky music playing)
ROY FOX: Tonight on Dancing on the Tables,
the epic story of a
street-wise Dance Battle
between Table Town and Tuft Pierre.
-Stay tuned.
-(cheering)
(laughs) Eat our dust, Tuft.
More like Pee Air! (chuckles)
Hey you, break a finger!
(laughs) Good one!
ROY FOX: Tonight, performing
the untold story
of an underground dance-off
against Tuft Pierre,
TTS for life!
ROY FOX: Dancing on the Tables presents:
Principal Secretary
and the Table Town School!
-(clamoring)
-Hey, keep it down!
-(cheering)
-(deep breath)
(stirring music)
We were looking forward
To our field trip ♪
At the aquarium ♪
There was a little line
But we were feelin' fine ♪
Getting ready for a whale of a time ♪
We were waiting
Then we waited some more ♪
Then more waiting, waiting
Inching closer to the door ♪
We were patient
But then we were stunned ♪
-Ok, go go go!
-When these blinged-out clowns ♪
Cut straight to the front ♪
No! Why you gotta do us like that? ♪
It wasn't very cool ♪
Then we were sitting at the sea show ♪
But we couldn't really see, no ♪
Made our way down to the splash zone ♪
So humble, we were so humble, whoa! ♪
There was plenty of splash to share ♪
But we were told to get lost ♪
By Tuft Pierre ♪
"You're too poor, be gone, dry child" ♪
The only thing that's poor
Is that hairstyle ♪
(cheering)
Oh, Kiff, you're our hero.
I don't remember her saying that.
Okay, I didn't really say that ♪
I only thought about it later ♪
On the drive back ♪
We were just sick of
Talking all of dat smack ♪
Being uncool, turnin' their noses ♪
Up at Table Town School ♪
So we said whatcha all
Think about this ♪
Step right up and put your
Money where your mouth is ♪
Dance off, dance off
We want a dance off ♪
Dance off, dance off
We want a dance off ♪
We'll settle this once ♪
And for all, with a dance off ♪
Our principal versus yours
In a dance off ♪
Cue the interview.
I just have a few humble words to say
about how far I've come.
Thanks to give, to someone without whom
I wouldn't be standing here today
My two incredible legs.
Their moves are gonna blow your minds.
No, Helen! Helen, I recorded that earlier!
(growls)
Uh, Helen?
Uh, I'm not built for this!
Ahh!
(growling)
-(whimpering)
-(growling)
Ahhhh!
Ahhhh!
Ahhhh!
(grunts)
Ahh!
(grunts) Ahh!
(grunts)
That'll teach him.
(crowd murmurs)
(all laugh)
(grunts, groans)
What have I done?
(grunts)
Everyone, I have something huge
and terrible to confess.
We didn't beat Tuft Pierre
fair and square.
-Want me to cut to commercial?
-No, no, keep rolling.
This is good stuff.
We used magic socks, okay?
-We cheated.
-(crowd murmurs)
I'm sorry.
I wanted to prove that
We were better than them ♪
I roped you in and I didn't care ♪
They really got to me ♪
I couldn't let things be ♪
We didn't need to cheat ♪
We already had them beat ♪
'Cause we got character, we got pride ♪
And that's something
That money can't buy ♪
We got character, we got pride ♪
And that's something
That money can't buy ♪
(group continues singing in background)
I mean, who cares if this guy can't dance?
He's not a dancer! He's a principal!
A principal who organizes
fun little field trips
and makes the most of them.
And does other things that principals do.
I dunno-- safety vest stuff? Pencils?
I'd rather go to a school
filled with real people
where the beautiful drama
teacher helps a principal
who in no way can dance
like, whatsoever, at all!
So sing with me!
We got character, we got pride ♪
And that's something that
Money can't buy ♪
We got character, we got pride ♪
And that's something
That money can't buy ♪
We got character, we got pride ♪
(cheering)
We got character, we got pride ♪
I resign.
What?
I also resign.
And that's something
That money can't buy ♪
We got character, we got pride ♪
Hey, that's the witch from the incident!
Which incident?
-We got character, we got pride ♪
-(squealing)
And that's something
That money can't buy ♪
We got character ♪
Well, thanks to everyone for tuning in
to this epic mid-season event
of Dancing on the Tables!
Goodnight, folks! And remember:
Dance like all of Table Town's watching.
We got pride ♪
And that's something ♪
That money can't buy ♪
(closing theme playing)