Kiff (2021) s01e12 Episode Script

Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
(giggles)
ANNOUNCER: Brought to you
by Daryl H. Pizza,
where not just any pizza will cut it.
Pizza comes uncut.
BARRY: Aw, see,
mine's cut in half diagonally.
Yours is cut in half up and down.
I can't tell which half is more sandwich.
The Abras are coming!
Uh, are you sure?
They are here.
(dance music blaring)
(all gasp)
Attention, fellow students.
It is I, Candle Fox.
As you may have heard,
one of the Abras, Lizette,
has droop tail--
So sad--
and can no longer attend
my sleepover tonight.
But her sudden tragedy
is your stroke of fortune.
I will now select someone
to take her place.
-Good luck to you all.
-(megaphone feedback squeals)
No. No.
Definite no.
I wonder why
they call themselves the Abras?
Nobody knows but them.
Nobody?
-What are you doing?
-Making myself look good.
I gotta get invited to this sleepover.
Really? I thought you and Candle
were adversaries.
No way. I'm friends with everyone,
equally, across the board.
Okay, look, I have no desire
to become an Abra,
but my interest is piqued.
I got to know what
their secret name means.
What even is an Abra?
Is it an acronym?
A dance move? A Swedish band?
All I know is it's an element unknown,
and not knowing is driving me crazy.
Well, hello again, Kiff Chatterley.
CANDLE: So you're coming to my sleepover?
Cool. See you tonight, Kiff.
"See you tonight, Kiff"?
Yeah, that was weird.
She looked at me,
but her mouth said "Kiff."
That was her way of inviting us both.
Everyone knows we're a package deal.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Packages. Yeah, okay.
(doorbell rings)
(crickets chirping)
Delivery.
What's going on?
Like I said, we only needed one stand-in.
Oh, because you said--
Well, you were looking at Barry,
but then you said,
"See you tonight, Kiff."
So we assumed
Oh, sometimes I forget
which one of you is which.
But, I mean, you get it.
You two are kind of one person.
Math, make it make sense.
(classical string music playing)
Thank you, Jean Claude.
Names?
I'm Kiff.
And, uh Barry.
They're in our class.
Kennedy's in Mr. Ri'Peppa's
class across the hall.
Yeah, I was so over the scene
at Tuft Pierre, you know,
so I transferred.
I know what you're thinking.
"Wow, so brave." (haughty laugh)
Where do you summer?
Uh, same place we winter,
spring and fall, I guess.
-(chuckles nervously)
-(exhaled gas wheezes)
Uh, okay!
It's time for sleepover games!
Abras, Abras ♪
A-A-A-A-Abras ♪
Abras, Abras ♪
A-A-A-A-Abras ♪
Just for tonight ♪
You can be one of us ♪
Oh! "Society!
Ugh!
Of course, of course.
We won't remember your name ♪
Abras ♪
(both laughing)
Well, that was fun. Look at us. Friends.
Okay, so maybe now's a good time
to tell us how you came up
with the name for the Abras. (chuckles)
You were a lot of fun at the party games,
but we can't tell you.
(laughs)
Look, Barry and I can keep a secret, okay?
We'll see.
We'll now play
the time-honored sleepover game:
"Two Truths and a Lie."
Two of your statements
should be facts, or "truths,"
and one must be a lie.
Then it's up to us to guess the lie.
Kiff, you're up.
Okay, uh, here goes.
Sometimes I forget to brush
my tooth, I'm not ticklish,
and I once blew a bubble
the size of my head.
Well, your head is
bubble-shaped, so that tracks.
Not ticklish, that's believable.
Okay, I got it. No way you don't brush.
You're not gross.
Oh, but I am sometimes.
But the second one's the lie.
I'm crazy ticklish.
Hmm. Good job, Kiff. Barry?
Oh! Oh it's my turn? Okay. Oh, gosh. Okay.
Hmm. Um, I love my family,
I love juice, and
And I hate my best friend Kiff.
What?
You obviously love Kiff. Try again.
And try to be interesting.
Oh, okay. (clears throat)
Uh, I
I love bananas, I love smiles,
and I hate bananas.
(laughs)
I'm losing my mind!
Are you serious?
Okay, how's this?
I'm at Candle's house, I'm wearing shoes,
and I'm so glad Candle invited you guys.
Yup. Great. Well, you can go ahead
and tell us what the Abras
means now, right?
No way. Barry can't lie,
so he obviously can't be trusted
to keep a secret,
and you can't be trusted
not to tell Barry, so
(doorbell rings)
I got your three-cheese cheeses,
light sauce, no oregano,
a small side of pineapple.
Thanks. We're starving.
Terri! Are you here to pick me up?
Oh, thank goodness!
No, Barry, can't you see she's working?
It's my side hustle.
Don't you have to be over 16
to get a job like that?
What Darryl H. Pizza don't know
won't hurt him.
Terri, wait!
Can you teach Barry how to lie?
Sorry, no.
I was lying.
Okay, Barry, lie to me.
One time I fell in a toilet?
-(giggles)
-TERRI: Uh, stop.
Right away I'm seeing a ton of mistakes,
or what us pro liars
like to refer to as "tells."
You did, like, seven of them.
Long pause at the top,
your voice went all falsetto,
you darted your eyes,
one of your ears twitched,
your hands were all sweaty-- still are.
Your breathing was weird,
you made it into a question,
and you giggled
at the end for some reason.
Oh, okay.
Let me try again.
-One time--
-TERRI: You're blinking too much.
-I like--
-TERRI: Now you're not blinking at all.
-I have--
-TERRI: You're rambling.
You're playing with your ears.
-I can tell you're fake smiling.
-(coughs)
Okay, now you're clearing your throat,
Ooh, your heart's beating really fast.
Again, with the ears?
(dance music plays)
That's the Robot.
Got it. Are there any other tells?
That's all of them, plus a few
I've never even seen before.
KIFF: Okay, so as long as Barry
doesn't do any of these,
we're golden.
What do you think, Terri?
Think Barry can pull it off?
I know he can.
And I was lying.
Man, I'm good.
We challenge you
to a "Two Truths" rematch!
If we win, you tell us
the secret behind the Abra name.
Okay, let's get this over with.
My favorite color is rainbow,
I have never been scuba diving,
and I hate prunes.
(dance music plays)
(sighs) So close.
Okay, fine! I love prunes!
Ugh! You just don't have
what it takes, Barry.
Let me show you how it's done, amateur.
I've gone skiing in the Alps,
I can Hula-Hoop for an hour,
I've broken my pinkie toe in two places.
Now, that's how it's done.
Ah! Everything sounds so believable
and unbelievable at the same time!
Oh, Kennedy!
The "Two Truths and a Lie" master!
We are not worthy!
Could you spot the lie?
No
because they're all lies!
In my hand is a receipt.
On it lies-- that's our pizza order.
On the back lies a comprehensive list
of every tell ever told,
and Kennedy's three for three.
She's never been to the Alps,
she can't Hula-Hoop,
her pinkie toe is 100% intact.
And behold
(gasps) My beauty mark!
Is a raisin!
Like, bro, seriously,
what is wrong with you?
To the untrained eye,
Kennedy is a master two-truther.
But what you didn't spot was
-the blink
-I've gone skiing in the Alps.
-the scratch
-I can Hula-Hoop for an hour.
And finally, the irregular
heartbeat of the liar.
I've broken my pinkie toe in two places.
Everything about you is a lie, Kennedy,
if that even is your real name.
-KENNEDY: He's right.
-(all gasp)
I can't help it. I lie about everything.
I'm a liar, liar, pants on fire.
And my real name isn't Kennedy Popularé.
It's Kim. Kim Popularé.
(slow clap)
We won! Slow clap for Barry!
-(laughs)
-What? No, dummy.
I'm clapping for Kennedy-- I mean, Kim.
--the best liar ever.
Wait a minute,
you're not clapping for Barry?
That's insane.
-Oh, it's okay, Kiff.
-No!
I don't even care anymore.
You're all just a bunch of phony maloneys
clapping for other phony maloneys
when there's clearly a genius
in your midst.
He should be getting the standing ovation.
You can keep your secret meaning.
Who cares?
Well, now we'll never tell you.
Ha! You'd probably lie anyway.
Our friendship's too real for this place.
Whoops, (chuckles) almost
knocked over this candelabra.
Ha! "Candelabra."
That's a funny word, huh?
It's a candle, which is your name,
and then "abra," which is like the name
we've been trying to figure out all day.
-Okay, bye!
-Barry, wait!
-Huh? What happened?
-You figured out
the secret to the candelabra name!
Well, Candle, I think it's genius.
Really?
No. I was lying.
Oh!
ANNOUNCER: Brought to you by Hot Mail.
This summer,
Chubbles Wubbington finds love.
This is gonna be so cool.
Classic rom-com
shenanigans and explosions?
TICKET COUNTER: How you doing, Whispers?
Hey, Exact Change.
Good to see you, Refill.
That's odd. Reggie's name isn't Refill.
Maybe the ticket counter
is bad at guessing names.
Excuse me. His name's Reggie.
Yeah, I know,
but his nickname is "Refill."
Because I'm always asking for refills.
'cause I love reading
even when I'm watching a movie.
I'm Exact Change,
because I think we as young people
have the power to change
the world exactly.
Oh, okay, sorry
for the misunderstanding
Nick Namé.
Kiff. Barry.
Hey, Popcorn Fart, how are the kids?
(gasps)
(Kiff gasping continuous)
Never in my entire life.
Never in my entire life, Barry.
Nick didn't give us nicknames.
We need cool nicknames.
Neither of us will be able
to sleep until we get nicknames.
-MAN: Quiet down in front.
-(gasps) See?
We can't even enjoy this movie
because Nick didn't give us nicknames.
This is beyond the pale, Barry.
This is beyond the pale!
Our nicknames have to be in your face
while also being mysterious.
Ooh.
Danger Tail, Unanswered Mail ♪
How about Earthquake?
Richter Scale, this is great ♪
Keep the nicknames coming ♪
At this rate
We're bound to find something ♪
Right this way, Mr. Hops ♪
Oh, why thank you, Lady Tops ♪
Look out Here comes Karate Chops ♪
Accompanied by Captain Flip Flops ♪
Lamp Shade, Rollerblade
Unpaid, Lemonade ♪
Old Man Paddling a Kayak
With a Dirty Spade ♪
-Messy Bed ♪
-Sliced Bread ♪
Perfectly Round Head ♪
-Why would you say that?
-No-no reason.
Shorty, Teacup, Butter Bean
Buck, Ace, Sunscreen ♪
Giggles, Punk, Hawk Face ♪
Loud Shorts, Loose Lace ♪
Let's keep this going
How about "Fingers Showing"?
(chuckles) You know, because
my fingers are always showing?
Uh
-Okay, let's brainstorm ♪
-How about "Brainstorm"? ♪
-I'll put it down ♪
-I really like "Brainstorm" ♪
-We've got to move on ♪
-But put a star next to "Brainstorm" ♪
Okay, fine. Jeez.
Big Dave, Hard Hat ♪
Young Shirley, Placemat
Beachwear, Daycare ♪
Little Lady, Lawn ♪
Oh, we're done?
These are terrible, Barry. All of them.
Oh, no! We got to make our way
back down to the movie theater.
It's almost showtime.
(gasps)
Barry, that's it!
That's my nickname!
"Showtime."
Hey, Soda Stain.
How's it going, Butter Squirt?
Kiff, Barry.
Actually, it may please you to know
that Barry and I now have nicknames.
I'm Showtime.
And I'm Brainstorm.
Listen, Kiff, there is nothing sadder
than trying to force a nickname.
Nicknames have to arrive naturally, Kiff.
Not only that, but someone
must organically call you
by your nickname
in front of a large crowd, Kiff.
Do you understand, Kiff Chatterly?
Hey, look at Sticky Fingers over there!
-Me? Me?
-ALL: Sticky Fingers!
Hey, I'm Sticky Fingers!
See? Don't ask me how I do it.
Some call it a gift,
others call it a curse
and they'd be wrong, because it's a gift.
Anyway, enjoy the movie.
EVIL DOOR: Give up, Chubbles.
You'll never stop that wedding on time.
I will never surrender, Evil Door.
I will always fight for justice!
Because my name is
Showtime.
I mean, who does Nick think he is?
Just because his name is Nick Namè,
he's elected himself king of nicknames?
If I say my name is Showtime,
then that's my name.
I demand justice!
Quiet down in front.
I can't be silent. Do you know why?
Because it's Showtime.
-How's it hanging, Pedals?
-(bicycle bell dinging)
(gasps)
Oh, no. I'm wussing out, Bar.
He's gonna deride me, I know it!
Look how cool he is.
I mean, he wears nail polish,
for gosh sakes.
-You go tell him, Bar.
-You got it, Kiff.
I'm going to give that guy
a piece of my mind.
Hey!
So, yeah, uh, listen up.
Uh, it's not okay to give some
kids nicknames and not others.
So yeah.
Justice.
Justice for Showtime and Brainstorm!
Righteous speech, kid. You got guts.
Hmm. Guts.
I'm gonna call you Mr. Guts.
-ALL: Mr. Guts!
-It all makes sense now.
CROWD: Mr. Guts! Mr. Guts! Mr. Guts!
You know, I was just saying
the same thing in the theater.
About justice.
Don't be a copycat, Kiff.
Well, maybe that should be my nickname!
"Copycat!" I'll take it!
I'll take anything! Please!
Nick has made it very clear
that these nicknames can't be forced.
So, what now, Barry?
So, uh (clears throat)
What now, Mr. Guts?
Well, Barry might tell you to let this go.
But if I'm being honest,
I think Barry was the nickname
and Mr. Guts is who I really am.
And Mr. Guts says double down.
And you know what else?
Mr. Guts wears scarves.
Yeah, I'm gonna double down.
Hmm, "Double Down"
is a pretty good nickname.
No, Mr. Guts, I want Nick
to name me "Showtime"!
(gasps) That's it, Mr. Guts.
Hypnosis.
Yes. Mr. Guts understands.
But also, how? Please explain.
It's simple, young Guts.
First, we assemble a crack team.
You see, hypnosis is a subtle art.
Four tickets?
Yup. We're waiting for Kiff.
That's right, we're going to show Kiff
A good time.
KIFF: We just have to
casually connect my name
with the words "show" and "time."
Hey. Hey there, Showtime.
When can we expect
the sunglasses and cool suits?
Those were for the fantasy
sequence, Mr. Guts.
We don't have the budget
for them in real life.
You're up. Let's go nick me a new name.
(snaps fingers)
Excuse me, what time is it?
Ah, thank you for showing me the clock.
Yes, I'm here for the show,
but I don't know what time it begins.
Yep, the show.
Need the time for the show
time.
Oh, and Kiff. Kiff.
(whispers) You forgot to say "Kiff."
Imagine we're wearing sunglasses.
Hey, Mr. Guts. Seeing another movie?
Ah, fo' sho', fo' sho'. Hold on.
Got to tie my shoe.
I mean, "show."
The time my show time.
(clears throat) Showtime.
Ah, here I am.
Eh?
BOTH: Showtime. Showtime.
-Showtime. Showtime.
-Showtime. Showtime.
ALL: Showtime. Showtime.
(phone rings)
Hello, Table Town Cinema.
Tonight's movie? The Kiff is at 6:45.
Wait, no, sorry. The showtime is at 6:45.
I don't know why I said Kiff.
(laughs) Weird.
You ever get the feeling
you were just hypnotized, poorly?
Okay, where was I?
Oh, right. Let me rip
that ticket for you, Kiff.
Well, we got to boycott this theater.
-Attention, everyone!
-ALL: Mr. Guts! Mr. Guts!
Who here is tired of paying good nuts
just to see a lousy movie
where your feet stick to the floor?
ALL: Us!
What if I said there's a new cozy theater
where admission is free,
and the snacks and drinks are the best?
ALL: Where?
Uh
(indistinct chatter)
What's the holdup? We all want popcorn!
Okay, I may not have thought this through.
TREVOR: Ticket, please.
Like Mr. Guts always says,
no regrets, no surrender.
Go and get your nickname, Kiff.
Here you go, my good man.
Are you going to give me a nickname?
Oh, am I meant to?
Yes! That's the whole point
of all of this!
Sorry. Uh, okay. Here you go, Jay
Jayste.
Jayste?
I'm not good at this, Kiff!
Kiff, what are all these kids doing here?
Our house is a movie theater now
because the ticket ripper
wouldn't give me a nickname.
Oh, that makes sense.
But why do you need a nickname?
You already have one.
-I do?
-Yeah. Kiff is a nickname.
We started calling you that
when you were a baby
because that was the sound
of your little toots.
So cute! Just like you.
Wait, so what's my real name?
Wow, so that's my real name, huh?
Kiff, people are starting to notice
this isn't a real movie theater.
(indistinct chatter)
I could distract them
with some smooth jazz.
You can play the trumpet?
Barry can't. But Mr. Guts
(blows off-key)
also can't.
Sweetie, why are you two
so focused on nicknames?
(sighs) Everyone else
was getting nicknames.
I just wanted one of my own.
They're just so cool.
But, Kiff, you're already so cool.
I mean, look at what you've done.
People love you.
You don't need a nickname.
Just be you.
Wow, Mom.
-You're--
-You're right, Beryl.
I want to be Barry again!
This scarf is itchy!
(sighs)
There you go, Kiff.
Thanks for using my
(snickers)
nickname.
-Huh?
-"Kiff" is her nickname.
Oh!
She caught you, Nick NaLame.
(chuckling)
NaLame?
I I finally have a nickname of my own.
I'm free.