Kiff (2021) s01e14 Episode Script

(opening theme plays)
Kiff! ♪
Kiff, Kiff! ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff! ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! ♪
(giggles)
(both giggle)
CHEESE GNOME #1: Brought to you by
The Cheese Caves!
Fetagettaboutit!
(hip music plays)
(towel squeaking)
(car honks)
(shorts swishing)
OK, only 32 washes
and we'll have enough nuts to take
our field trip to the cheese caves.
(all cheering)
How's our sales team looking?
-(hip music fades out)
-(engine revs)
Up top!
Nuh-uh.
Yikeseeola.
Two people with zero chemistry
and even less in common.
(shorts swishing)
Come on, Candle, Trevor,
we need some energy coming
from the sales table, man!
-Look alive!
-(shorts swishing)
(swishing fades away)
(nut clinks)
Against all odds,
we're going to The Cheese Caves!
(all cheering)
Speaking of against all odds
(chuckles) Let's, like, hang this weekend!
(Trevor gasps)
-Huh?
-Whoa!
Candle and Trevor as friends?
(chuckles) Buckle up,
my sweet social climber!
Candle's gonna chew you up
and spit you out.
(school bell rings)
(hip music plays)
Oh, Trevor.
Poor guy didn't last a weekend.
-(gnomes yodeling)
-(air brakes hiss)
(all exclaim in amazement)
-(exclaiming continues)
-(axe clanks)
(cheese dripping)
-(indistinct chuckling)
-(children exclaiming)
-(rope whirls)
-(exclaiming continues)
Welcome, children!
Let's start by getting our pickaxes
and cracker holsters and pairing up.
-(lasso whirls)
-(yodeling stops)
OK, let's partner up.
Angstrom, Buns.
Chatterley, Fox.
You're with Trevor!
You can help him through the rejection.
(playful melody plays)
(groans)
-Everything OK, Candle?
-(yelps)
I am, yes. I am totally normal.
You can tell me if something's up.
No, I can't!
(cave rumbles)
As your pickin' partner,
I should know if you're sick, or--
I'm not sick. I
I messed things up with Trevor.
(gasps) You messed things up with Trevor?
(stammers) What'd you do?
I can't say. It's too embarrassing.
I just wish we could be friends again.
Can you help me?
You want my help?
I've been waiting my whole life
for you to ask me to help, Candle.
Let alone on a plum issue like this.
You messed things up with Trevor?
(chuckles)
-(fanciful music plays)
-(axes clanking)
Without knowing what happened
between you and Trev,
all I can really--
Please, as you scrape
from these sacred walls,
remember these caves are delicate.
All I can suggest is that you and Trevor
need a do-over hang.
Like a reset.
A girl could only dream.
Let me see what I can do.
-(axe clanks)
-Hey, hey, Barry!
Switch with Candle
and then you and I can be partners.
Great idea! Let me check with Trev.
That's gonna be a no.
(cheers and applause)
Welcome
to The Cost of Cheese is Correct!
Who will play?
Do it! You always know the price of stuff!
Trev will think you're so fun.
That's actually a really good idea.
We have a volunteer!
Hi, I'm Candle.
Candle, we're starting with a tough one.
How much do you think
a pound of Extra Old,
Bitto cheese costs, hmm?
Oh. (chuckles) Easy.
A hundred and fifty nuts per pound.
My dad imports it.
-(game show music)
-(cheers and applause)
You're great at this!
Wasn't that fun, Candle?
Fun! Candle!
Fun Candle!
And I love having fun.
When I'm having fun
and I get excited about having fun,
sometimes I want to make sure
that we keep having fun,
(stammers) so, I--
You're fun, Gnome,
you know what I mean?
You Gnome what I mean, Gnome?
No.
(music plays awkwardly)
Let's hear it for fun Candle!
(upbeat music plays)
Don't let the feta dry, kids!
Brine! Brine! Brine!
Just tell me what happened.
Not telling me isn't working.
Never! You'll think I'm weird, too.
I won't!
You will!
(cave rumbles)
Help me, help you!
Let me inside your shame, Candle!
Stop!
(rumbling continues)
Oh, gosh, they said
these caves are delicate.
Candle, stop!
-(cave rumbles)
-I can't! It'll get around!
Why can't this just get fixed
without me having to rehash
the weird thing that I did?
-(Candle grunts and groans)
-(feta crumbles)
Fetalanche!
There's no way out.
I can't go down
with this terrible secret inside of me.
Oh, now she wants to tell me.
So, after the car wash,
Trevor and I had such a fun weekend.
Like, back-to-back Saturday Sunday hangs.
And then Sunday night, I couldn't sleep
because I was so excited
about our new friendship,
So I, um
I sent Trevor a
a chunky text!
"Chunky text"?
What's that?
(rhythmic horn music plays)
Chunky, so chunky ♪
Sent a text so chunky ♪
There's no turning back ♪
-When you send a text like that ♪
-Like what? ♪
Chunky, so chunky ♪
Have you ever sent a text so chunky? ♪
It's the end
You can't unsend ♪
(rhythmic horns continue)
Let me tell ya 'bout this text I sent ♪
I shot it off without a thought
And just went straight to bed ♪
I check my phone and I can see
That the text was read ♪
It was seen
But it couldn't be unseen ♪
Whaddya mean? ♪
-The text was long ♪
-How long? ♪
Real long
Like a text from mom, but longer ♪
With a beginning
But no end ♪
You be scrollin' scrollin'
Scrollin' scrollin' scrollin' ♪
I didn't think about a thing ♪
I was typin'
I might've been too excited ♪
It's like my fingers
Were running a marathon ♪
And my mind was left behind ♪
And by the time I hit send ♪
It was the end of our friendship ♪
That ship had sailed ♪
On an ocean of poor grammar
And unlimited shame ♪
I got no one to blame ♪
She got no one to blame ♪
I got no one to blame ♪
She got no one to blame ♪
But myself ♪
Chunky, so chunky ♪
Sent a text so chunky ♪
There's no turning back ♪
-When you send a text like that ♪
-Like what? ♪
Chunky, so chunky ♪
Have you ever sent a text so chunky? ♪
It's the end
You can't unsend ♪
I can fix this.
I can fix this!
-(riveting music begins)
-But we're trapped!
(chewing loudly)
I'm a squirrel, Candle.
I've got a two-ton cheek capacity.
(munching ensues)
(clinking)
(Kiff grunts)
(Kiff groans)
(music intensifies)
(grunts)
-Where's Trevor?
-Getting his Carichacheese done.
Come on, man. It was just a chunky text.
Just?
Please don't talk.
CANDLE: Hey, Trevor, I just
wanted to send you a text
because I really feel like that
was the most fun
I have ever had.
But there is sometimes I have more fun,
but actually with you
it's probably in the top 70%
of the most fun that I've had.
Actually, I feel like
it would be the most fun
dear if you could come over every
There are three Tuesdays
and there's probably other months
And if I can't come over one Tuesday,
it doesn't change the fact
that you are invited
Although we could change it to Monday.
This is not weird, is it?
Because I feel like you understand,
because you Love the cartwheels
(infinite laughter)
Anyway, this is not weird.
(echoing) Not weird.
SINGER: This is not weird ♪
(groans) Finally!
Wait, what are all these
before the chunker?
Uh, don't read those.
From Candle,
"Whoa, have you seen Kiff's outfit?
It's the shorts for me."
From Trevor,
"I can hear them from here."
Then there's a voice note?
Uh, that's nothing, don't worry
about that. (chuckles nervously)
Do you like impressions?
Here's my impression of Kiff's shorts.
(mimics swishing)
(swishing echoes)
(echoing ceases)
Response from Candle,
"What are they made of, speakers?"
This is how you bonded?
Candle probably doesn't get
why I wore the shorts.
I mean, they're super popular right now.
Several pro athletes wear them.
Let me text her the full history
of shorts as a start.
Kiff!
She's writing her own chunky text.
Are you seeing this?
They're just happening all over?
I sent several last week.
I thought this was a weird Candle thing.
(gasps) Oh, no! I have to find her!
The side of your face isn't done!
-TREVOR: Just use Kiff's!
-OK, you know what,
let's just go into the history
of clothes in general.
(Trevor pants heavily)
-(Trevor grunts)
-(gnome exclaims)
Candle! What happened?
I'm covering myself in cheesecloth
so I can hide in my misery,
forever!
-(Candle sobs)
-Candle! No, no!
I forgive you for the chunky text.
Chunky texts happen to everybody.
They're nothing to be ashamed of.
(whimpers) They're not?
No.
I'm so sorry for judging you.
We prefer chunky texts.
(upbeat music plays)
Something about your left eye
looks off to me.
All right, I have clothes history,
Candle's and I's history together,
the Great Rubber Boom
of the Southern Continent,
and what I'm eating for dinner tonight.
After a few more paragraphs of exposition,
I think I can start telling her
about how wrong she was about the shorts.
Hoo, boy, gonna be a chunky one.
(rhythmic horn snippet plays)
NARRATOR: Brought to you by
Frooty Tooty Hand Sanitizer.
Because you don't know
where things have been.
-(school bell rings)
-(indistinct chatter)
Wait.
Uh, Miss Deer Teacher,
you forgot to assign homework.
I did? (chuckles)
Well, I have a big date tonight.
I guess my mind is elsewhere.
Mind, come back! (giggles)
Wish me luck!
OK, well, good luck!
(kernels popping)
-(microwave beeping)
-(door clicks)
(Martin exclaims)
You all right there, Kiff?
I don't have any homework.
Oh, that's great
ly disappointing. Very sad.
But, it looks like you're in luck.
Smoldering Cove's about to start.
-(soft music plays)
-Ugh, what's that, a soap opera?
Oh, brother.
NARRATOR: Last time on Smoldering Cove
(suspenseful music plays)
Why crash Chase's birthday party?
He's marrying Mindy!
She doesn't remember
that he faked his own death.
Oh, my gosh!
Just wait until you meet Marlina.
She's beautiful, but she
doesn't know it, because
amnesia.
Marlina,
that's salt!
I'm sorry, it's just
I have that big date tonight,
and I guess my mind is elsewhere.
Mind, come back!
Wish me luck.
That's strange.
Just like Miss Deer Teacher.
She's one hopeless romantic,
that Marlina Deena Turina.
No way! M.D.T.?
(chuckles) They have the same initials.
(romantic music plays)
Oh, let me get that for you.
(gasps) Oh, no! I'm so sorry.
(shudders)
(music continues)
Oh, no, I'm allergic!
(sneezing loudly)
(sneezing continues)
(sniffles)
(glass breaks)
Giancarlo!
Wait!
(dramatic undertones)
(soft piano melody plays)
How's about a do-over, baby?
But maybe next time, no soup.
(romantic music plays)
KIFF: What a disaster.
What a recovery, huh.
And so the skeptic becomes the believer.
(school bell rings)
SECRETARY PRINCE: OK, spill. How'd it go?
MISS DEER TEACHER:
Oh, it was an absolute disaster.
SECRETARY PRINCE: What happened?
I mean, I've had a lot
of bad dates before,
but this one took
the cake and the cookies.
So, he took me to dinner at Cafe Penguino.
SECRETARY PRINCE: Uh-huh.
MISS DEER TEACHER:
And I tried to be polite
and pull out his chair, but he fell.
Wait a minute.
Then I felt bad, right?
So I picked him a flower, but,
-he's allergic.
-He's allergic.
-And then I--
-You spilled soup on his pants!
Yeah. How did you know that?
(exhales) You wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
Let me ask you this.
Did you also spill soup on your pants?
Uh, no?
Trust me. It'll work.
Yeah, there's no way she's doing that.
True love can be messy,
but isn't it worth the risk?
(doorbell rings)
Oh, it's you.
Um, hello, Dante.
Well, have you come to spill soup
on my pants again?
(chuckles)
Just one sec.
(grunts)
(dramatic undertones)
(soft piano melody plays)
Oh, would you like
to grab a cup of coffee?
(school bell rings)
Kiff Chatterley,
I don't know how you did it,
-but it worked!
-(gasps)
No way! You did the soup thing?
I did the soup thing.
And now we're doing
movie night at his place.
(energetic music plays)
Wait, wait, according
to yesterday's episode--
-Episode?
-Wha Oh, did I say episode?
(snorts) Silly me,
I meant the dating scene.
Ah, you know how it is,
you gotta bring something to the table.
Like a board game and a screwdriver
and some mason jars.
To watch a movie?
Mm-kay.
(crickets chirping)
(peaceful music plays)
DANTE: Oh.
I guess that's the end.
MISS DEER TEACHER: Guess so.
(gasps) Wait a minute.
Mason jars!
DANTE: Wow!
But how will they breathe?
Ta-da!
Whoa! OK.
But what are we gonna do
if we can't watch the movie?
I have a board game!
Who are you? Oh!
(romantic music plays)
Trust me.
(bees buzzing)
(music ends)
-(remote clicks)
-Mm-hmm.
MISS DEER TEACHER: I know, right?
And then Dante asked me to go
away with him this weekend.
(gasps) That's so romantic. You gotta go!
You sure?
It's at a secluded cabin.
No hot water. No cell service.
-Secluded?
-Yeah, for privacy.
It'll be really dark.
Perfect for stargazing.
No one around to hear you scream--
With joy!
Huh, what do I know?
Not exactly like I've been
on a lot of dates.
But I mean, I don't know.
Sure, the dates have been great.
But it's only been a week or so.
Are things moving too fast?
He also asked me to bring
all my files and personal records.
He's planning for the future.
Well, that is thoughtful,
and he did promise a surprise.
And you've yet to steer me wrong.
OK, I'll go.
I'm just so happy for you,
and for me,
the person who made this all happen.
I'm responsible for this!
-(music fanfare)
-Just in time!
(in unison) Welcome back
to Smoldering Cove!
(romantic music plays)
-(tires swerve)
-(engine revs)
(fire crackling)
(romantic music fades)
(dramatic undertones)
Giancarlo, baby!
Why am I tied up?
What's going on?
I made you fall in love with me.
(undertone sharpens)
And then I brought you here
to this remote location
at the edge of the cove.
And waited patiently
for you to fall asleep,
so that I could steal your identity.
(gasps) Not my identity!
Exactly! Soon, it will be mine!
(laughs maniacally)
(coughs, wheezes)
Saw that coming.
Oh, no! Miss Deer Teacher's
gone away with the villain!
I'm responsible for this!
(Giancarlo clears throat)
Now, I'm going to make a hot tea
with honey, ginger, and lemon
to take care of this cough.
But when I return,
your identity will be mine!
(Marlina gasps)
(coughs) I gotta stop yelling.
(bell tolling)
They're ending on a cliffhanger?
I know, and the next episode
doesn't come out till Monday.
But Miss Deer Teacher's
living this nightmare right now!
Wait, what?
I'll fill you in in the car,
but we gotta go!
It's a soap-mergency!
(sharp undertone)
(microwave hums)
-(kernels popping)
-KIFF: Dad!
(dramatic undertone)
(brakes chirp)
(thunder cracks)
Dad, we gotta break the door down!
You don't have to tell me twice!
(drill whirring)
-(door clatters)
-(Martin grunts)
Watch your toes! Easy! Easy!
(Martin grunts)
(both yelling)
Eat water, cough drop!
-(Kiff yelling)
-(Dante exclaims)
The paperwork!
What is going on here?
Back up, Miss Deer Teacher,
this man's an identity thief!
An identity thief! Where?
What? No!
He took me away for the weekend
to do my taxes.
That was the surprise.
Taxes?
-Taxes?
-Taxes.
Then why were you lights out in a chair?
Well, I dozed off.
Taxes are really boring.
OK, well, that's fair.
Well, why were you rubbing
your evil hands together,
evilly, like this?
(sinister muttering)
I was using hand sani.
I don't know where her receipts have been.
I did not see that coming.
Popcorn?
So everything's OK?
Dante seems hmm
Yeah, Dante
he's not "the one."
I mean, sure, we had these
insanely perfect dates
and it was nice to have plans,
but looking back, I made the dates fun.
He's kind of dull.
Ooh, well, sorry for meddling.
You live and you learn.
I just know there's someone out there
for you, Miss Deer Teacher.
Maybe. Maybe not.
But that's OK.
I should probably take some time
to focus on what's most important.
Finding someone new?
Loving myself.
Or that. You could do that, too.
Yep.
(peaceful music plays)
I'll have the soup,
for one.
(peaceful music fades)
(romantic snippet plays)
(closing theme plays)
Chirp.