Kiff (2021) s01e15 Episode Script

[opening theme music playing]
Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[announcer]
Brought to you by Hot Knots.
Soft. Salty. Satisfying.
[sighs] What should
we do after school?
I don't know.
-We can't just do nothing.
-We can't?
Oh! Oh, no! I lost my phone.
Great. I mean, bad.
But a project.
Clear goal. Great stakes.
Find the pho
[cell phone rings, vibrates]
Oh, here it is. [chuckles]
"One free pretzel
to anyone who brings
ten people to the mall."
-Oh!
-Barry, this is perfect.
I love pretzels.
All I need is ten people.
-I'm in.
-All I need is nine people.
Attention,
nine convenient peers.
I'm delighted to announce a trip
to the mall for all of you,
after school today.
-That's a hard pass.
-No.
Oh, come on, it's the mall.
The mall. The mall.
Barry, why aren't you
helping me?
Aren't I, though?
"How to Possess Followers
and Win People." [gasps]
What a title. No red flags here.
Hmm. There are three qualities
of a great leader.
Number one, honesty.
I'm gonna be honest with you, Trev.
I'd really like you to follow me
to the mall.
-Okay.
-Number two, respect.
I respect your decision
to not follow me to the mall.
Oh, now I really want
to go for some reason.
Number three,
ability to delegate.
Hey there, deputy, I'm gonna
need you to get six more people
to come to the mall.
Hey, everyone,
we're going to the mall.
Firstively, hello.
Secondivly, I've brought
ten people to the mall,
entitling me to a free pretzel.
That's the last
of the promo pretzels.
What a day.
Kiff, I feel a yawn coming on.
May I?
Uh, okay.
Well, if you got to yawn, yawn.
[yawns]
[all yawn]
Okay. Thanks, team.
[both gasp, panting]
Now for a little pretzel,
peace and quiet.
[gasps and laughs nervously]
Uh, we've got
the whole mall here.
Have at it.
-We won't leave you, Kiff.
-You're our leader.
-We will follow you
-[all] To the end.
Uh, well, I don't
I don't need that.
Please go, enjoy yourself.
At the mall. [claps]
[clapping rhythmically]
You can do it all at the mall
at the mall, at the mall ♪
You can't resist the call
of the mall, of the mall ♪
Giving it your all
at the mall, at the mall ♪
You can have it all
at the mall, at the mall ♪
Take a deep breath
of that food court air ♪
The smell of
sticky-fingered kids ♪
And look at this chair ♪
It massages your feet ♪
While you nosh
on that slice ♪
And wait for your name ♪
On a grain of rice ♪
You can try on some clothes ♪
With no intention to buy ♪
Or just sit around ♪
And put out a vibe ♪
Go watch a couple movies ♪
Back-to-back ♪
While I find ♪
A secret spot for my snack ♪
There's so much in store ♪
At every store ♪
There's so much to do ♪
For you and you and you ♪
At the mall, at the mall ♪
At the mall, at the mall ♪
You can walk and walk
and never know where you are ♪
Then take a power nap
in that display car ♪
Check out the weird promotion
that they have on display ♪
Or ride the elevators
up and down all day ♪
You can do it all
at the mall, at the mall ♪
You can't resist the call
of the mall, of the mall ♪
Giving it your all
at the mall, at the mall ♪
You can have it all
at the mall, at the mall ♪
[excited chatter]
How are we gonna enjoy
this pretzel in peace?
We got to shake them off.
Aw, Kiff.
Hey, Barry, snap out of it.
Sorry, Kiff. That book really
does turn you into a leader.
[Helen] I'll tell you
what a good leader would do.
-Helen, what are you doing here?
-It's my side hustle.
Real leaders provide enrichment
activities for their followers,
and kids love bedazzling.
It's great for growing minds,
fine motor skills.
An afternoon well spent.
-Yeah.
-An afternoon well spent. Hmm.
Now where'd those scamps get to?
[all scream]
Uh, okay, team.
As you can see,
I have a fun activity
planned for you.
You're not gonna bedazzle with us?
No, no. Barry and I have, uh,
stuff to take care of.
As your leader, I commandeth thee
to do whatever Helen
telleth you to do.
And to not follow me ever again.
Super clear.
Candle, please tell Kiff
that I honestly respect
her ability to delegate.
Kiff, Helen honestly respects
your ability to del--
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This one isn't
shiny enough for Helen.
Oh, they're just bedazzling
all of Helen's stuff for her.
It appears she's the only one
getting enriched.
I feel really bad, Barry.
I'm a terrible leader.
I'm gonna go down
as the worst leader in history.
The basic idea was that
you would follow Kiff to the mall.
I'm gonna get my pretzel.
Barry was her lieutenant,
the brains of the operation.
I used you all.
[cackles]
We trusted her as a leader,
but she failed us.
What have I done?
-We need to save them.
-[chair vibrating]
Oh! Yes! Right!
You call this bedazzled?
[Barry] "Chapter four,
The Final and Most Powerful
Leadership Quality"
I thought there were only three qualities
of a great leader.
[Barry] Oh, I can't read it.
It's covered by Helen's bedazzles.
If we get that book back,
we can trump Helen
with the fourth leadership quality.
Yes. We'll win
the followers back.
[suspenseful music]
Easy. Easy.
Uh-huh. I can send you a quote
for a full-home bedazzlement.
[straining]
No. No, wait, no. Don't.
[blowing] Stop. Get away from me.
Gross. Oh!
Thanks!
Hey! My followers were
about to bedazzle that!
Seize the book!
-[groans]
-[both scream]
-No!
-No!
Kiff, through there!
[Muzak plays faintly]
[elevator dings]
[screams]
That song showing us
the ins and outs of the mall
really came in handy, Kiff.
Oh, no.
[all shouting]
[kid] Let's get back to our
great lives of servitude!
[all cheer]
But she doesn't have
your best interests at heart!
Barry, why aren't you
helping me?
Aren't I, though?
-How did you--
-Well, we're at the mall.
There's a bookstore right there.
-You son of a bun.
-Let's take a gander.
I know what I have to do.
Helen!
Haven't learned your lesson yet?
I've learned the most important
leadership lesson of all
selflessness.
Ha! Selflessness?
Okay, maybe that's the one thing
I didn't have.
I dragged everyone to the mall
and handed all my friends over to you,
an incredibly bedazzled maniac,
all for this salty,
perfect
dumb mall pretzel.
I've never seen
bedazzling like that.
What is it?
Whatever you want it to be, Helen.
I want it to be mine.
Then, with all the selflessness
I can muster,
because I've been
waiting for this all day,
I give unto you me pretzie.
[all] Our selfless leader
has returned!
-[whistle blows]
-No! I didn't free you
so you could follow me.
I freed you so you could
follow yourselves.
Go forth.
Seek your own pretzel.
I command thee to not
be commanded by me.
Or anyone else.
Oh. We really should have
just done that in the first place.
[mall cop] I told you, man.
You can't just set up a kiosk
and get kids to bedazzle
your personal belongings
without a permit.
-Now get out of here!
-Ah!
Group hang?
[clapping rhythmically]
No loitering!
[announcer]
Brought to you by art.
Art! It is It's not a joke.
[song playing over computer]
[Barry] Hmm.
Hmm.
[snarling]
[all scream]
Who are you?
It's saying I'm an introvert,
but I don't know.
No, I mean who is he?
[Barry] The Ghost Wolf from the woods?
Yes. I need to know
more about him.
He saved us, Barr--
Didn't even get to say
thank you.
The rescue guy said
he herds lost kids to safety.
It's not like we can get lost
on purpose.
I regret my choice of words.
-Hey, Kiff, wait up!
-[distant howling]
All right, we saw him here
and then we went this way.
[both scream]
[both grunt]
[yelps]
[laughs]
Hmm.
[gasps]
[panting]
Feeling lost.
Sure would be a great time
for a Ghost Wolf to find us.
Barry needs a little breakie-poo.
Kiff, look.
[panting and snarling]
[roars]
[breathing heavily]
-[grumbling]
-[both scream]
Uh, we just wanted to say thank you
for herding us to safety.
We respect you and your boundaries.
[growling]
Wow, this is a lot of reading.
Ahem. Apologies.
I was not aware of at what age
non-ghost children become literate.
I I can speak the common tongue.
Did you paint this?
I did, but no one
was supposed to see it.
Too powerful!
You're so talented.
We got to have an art show.
The world needs to see your art.
You're kind, Squirrel Child.
I paint for expression, not praise.
But praise is nice.
The world is not ready
for my art, though.
I only paint that which is true.
And nobody likes the truth.
I would like to commission
from you ten pieces
for my personal collection.
I'll pay any price.
I have no need for earthly coin.
Oh, okay, so
I only value
[in monstrous voice]
living things!
-Uh
-[in normal voice] Like plants.
My rate is one rare fern
per painting.
Would you like
some more friends?
I think you would.
I think you would.
You got a deal.
You know I like old Mr. Ghost Wolf.
He's a little whacky, but I can tell
he's got a heart of gold.
So, what are you gonna do
with ten of his paintings?
They're not for me.
We're gonna have an art show
and prove to him
that the world is ready for his art.
Tomorrow, you come back here
and make sure he does all ten paintings.
I'll take care of the rest.
[classical music plays]
[sighs]
Bunny Child.
I am your new apprentice.
I have always taken
a keen interest in the arts.
Oh, well, uh, you are welcome
to watch, but, uh
Hmm. [growls]
[snarling]
Ooh, the artistic process.
No, no, no. I have painter's block.
I've never
done this before professionally.
I'm a hobbyist!
Hmm. How'd you paint
the first one?
I was just watching you
and your friends in the woods,
and I felt inspired.
Oh, that's it!
We have to watch more people.
Loosen it up.
Get the artistic juices flowing.
Ahem, I know I'm just
some kid off the street,
but I think you'll want
to hear what I have to say.
-Yeah, that's it.
-Get out of here!
We don't rent space
to any kid off the street
with something to say.
This is a serious art gallery.
Crud. I need a new plan.
Hmm.
It is a 76-minute walk
back to the aerial tram--
Oh! Never mind!
Sorry, forgot.
Boop.
[giggles] That tickles.
[grunting]
So? Are you inspired?
Very. Let's find
some more people to observe.
The artistic process!
Good morning. I'm late.
Don't apologize to me.
Ugh, derivative, contrived,
reductive, lacking concept.
Oh, did your mechanic
do this one?
I mean that as a compliment.
It's not bad.
-Can I help--?
-Mal Varland.
We have an appointment
to discuss my client.
I am so sorry, I don't have you
in my calendar.
I said don't apologize to me.
I represent the secretive artist,
Ghost Wolf.
I presume you've heard of him?
-Oh, of course.
-He's a soon-to-be icon.
[sniffs]
Do you smell old lettuce?
[hacks and clears throat]
Step into my office.
Let's discuss the details.
[teeth chatter]
[classical music playing]
I said three feet apart, not 2'11".
So sorry, Mal.
[sighs] I'm the only person
in this town with taste.
Kiff, I just had the greatest day
of my young life.
Ghost Wolf, these are incredible.
I'm going to cry!
So, uh, should I invoice
for the ferns, or?
Oh, right. I've got something for you.
It's an invitation to the, uh
nursery where you can collect
the rare ferns.
But it doesn't open until 7:00 p.m.,
and it's black tie.
It's a nice nursery.
A nice night nursery.
Okay, see you then. Bye!
Hello? I'm here
for my ten rare ferns?
Let there be art!
Welcome, everyone. Meet the artist.
-[man] What a talent.
-[woman] Wonderful!
Usually you go to a gallery
and the artist is dead,
but this guy's alive.
So authentic. What a talent.
What have you done?
You said these were
for your personal collection.
I wanted rare ferns,
not all of this.
Ghost Wolf, can't you see?
You thought people weren't ready
for your art, but look,
they love it.
-So wonderful.
-Whoo!
So moving.
Well, maybe
-[Glarbin] What is this?
-Yep, there it is.
I don't measure my height daily
in a doorframe
like a naive child filled
with the hope of growing taller.
I'm a grown-up.
[Miss Deer Teacher] Oh! Uh
I don't talk to my precious
childhood treasures
like they're alive.
[laughs nervously]
Oh, no.
I've never shared
my love of ice dancing with anyone.
Oh, come on. Every--
Everyone looks at old photos
of their ex for hours in the middle
of a Saturday. Everyone.
Oh, now, everyone knows
I sleep with a night-light.
-Uh, I guess.
-Hmm
He's taken private moments
and turned them
into entertainment!
Is this some sort of sick joke?
[angry chattering]
Better hide. Only a matter of time
before this becomes an angry mob.
Boop. Boop.
[grunts] I'm grown up, and I'm angry!
Ugh, Squirrel Child,
now do you get why the world
cannot see my art?
Yeah. I should have
listened to you, Ghost Wolf.
I'm sorry. This is a disaster.
[Beryl] Marty, why didn't you
tell me you love ice dancing?
I made you a costume years ago.
I've been carrying it around
just in case.
You got almost as many plushies
as I do.
Maybe we should hang sometime.
Oh, totally.
Hello, I'm a local renovator.
I would consider it an honor
to lower all your furniture by an inch.
That one inch would mean
the world to me.
[laughing]
[scoffs] That's nothing.
I've put a GPS tracker
inside the ear
of all the exes I've ever had.
Wow. Very upsetting.
However, it does make me feel
less pathetic.
-Thanks, Helen.
-Anytime.
Well, embarrassing things
really bring people together.
Maybe I overreacted.
Uh, I should give people
more credit, trust the audience.
Double boop.
It all worked out.
Eh, not yet.
There's still one thing left to do.
Is that just some kid off the street?
Let's hear it for the artist, Ghost Wolf.
[cheers and applause]
All right we start the bidding
at one rare fern.
Do I hear two? Two rare ferns?
Thank you, ma'am!
Perhaps you can return this summer
to continue your apprenticeship?
I've been getting
into sculpting as well.
What do you think?
I love and admire you very much,
Mr. Ghost Wolf.
[sighs]
[closing theme music playing]
Chirp.