Kiff (2021) s01e29 Episode Script

1
[opening theme music playing]
Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
Kiff! ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[announcer] Brought to you
by Crumbly's Crumbles.
Don't touch my Crumbly!
[effort grunts]
Kiff, Barry, what are you doing?
- Uncle Pat is coming to dinner.
- Fun Uncle Pat!
Yeah. We're setting a place for him.
Please put that back.
[both] Awww!
Wait, what? Pat is coming for dinner?
[both] Yeah! Fun Uncle Pat!
Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!
Fun Uncle Pat. Fun Uncle Pat…
Oh, loosen up, hon.
Uncle Pat is your only brother.
Fun Uncle Pat.
And after dinner,
he'll hop on his motorcycle
and be out of your hair, like always.
Yeah, Dad. Vroom-vroom!
[motorcycle engine revs]
[glass thuds]
[laughter]
[both] Fun Uncle Pat!
Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!
Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!
Dinner's ready.
Marty, my favorite brother.
[stifles giggle] He's his only brother!
[gasps] For me?
Oh, my gosh!
[Pat grunting]
You really outdid yourself, Beryl.
Mmm. Restaurant quality.
[Pat chuckles]
Wow. Gettin' late.
Did I ever tell you two
about the time I met
the on-set hairdresser from Hot Mail?
- [both] What? No!
- Tell us!
Ahem! Look at that.
The clock is… accurate.
- Oh, my. Is that the time?
- Whoa, it's late!
Oh, my, I have never been here this late.
Forgive me, Chatterleys.
It has been, as always,
a wonderful evening. I thank you.
So, breaking news.
My landlady-slash-girlfriend
dumped-slash-evicted me,
and I currently find myself
with no place to stay.
[exaggerated yawn]
[crickets chirp]
Oh, that's terrible, Pat.
Terrible… that we don't have
room for you here.
Dad, what are you talking about?
Uncle Pat can sleep in my room.
I'll sleep on the couch.
Oh, thank you.
[Beryl] That's very nice, Kiff.
Ow! Dad-- Ow! Why are you…
Ow! Kicking me under the tab…
Ow! You did it-- Ow!
[transitional music plays]
[Beryl] Kiff, can you go tell your uncle
that breakfast is ready?
[Kiff grunts and groans]
Ow, my back.
[singsong voice] Uncle Pat!
Uncle Pat?
Nice room you got here, Kiff.
[melancholy music plays]
I used to have my own room.
Now I don't have anything.
Oh, uh, well, you got this suitcase
with a cool sticker on it
that says Table Town.
When I bought this suitcase,
I used to dream about traveling the world
and covering it with
stickers from all over.
But I've never been anywhere…
and I never will!
[melancholic note plays]
- Uh, my mom says that breakfast is ready.
- Oh, boy!
[eating noisily]
Can I get anyone anything?
- I'm good.
- No, thank you.
- Martin?
- I'm fine.
More juice? More coffee?
- No, I'm…
- Freshen you up!
Aw, you filled it to the rim.
Now I'm gonna spill it when I take a sip.
I'm on it!
[noisy slurping]
Would you stop it?
I'm just trying to help out a little,
earn my keep.
I gotta lie down!
- [door slams upstairs]
- I don't want this now.
[phone buzzes]
Hey, Barry.
How's fun Uncle Pat?
Not so fun.
He's kind of… depressed.
Oh, no.
I think if he just had a job,
he could get his life back on track,
maybe get a new place to live,
- maybe even see the world!
- I'll be right over.
My sister Terri has had over 40 jobs,
just in the past year,
and she confided in me
that the secret of getting
one of these jobs
is to possess a little thing
known as a resume.
[chuckles] Resume?
Barry, I think you mean résumé.
- Resu-may what?
- You're right, though.
And Uncle Pat can make one
easily on the Internet.
Uh… oh, okay, yeah.
Well, it seems my work here is done.
[cracking knuckles]
Um… hmm…
Well, that's just your name.
Y-You know what? That's easy. Here.
[energetic music plays]
And… there! [satisfied grunts]
Uncle Pat?
[Pat laughing downstairs]
What the actual…
Uncle Pat, I just finished your résumé.
Oh, cool. Thanks, Kiff.
[television audio plays]
Are you… gonna look for a job, or…
Ah, yeah, maybe later.
Right now, I'm binging season four
of Celebrity Has-Been Pillow Fights.
- [laughter on television]
- Oh.
Yeah, I had to delete
a bunch of Chubble stuff
to make room for my shows.
Hope you don't mind.
Think I'll have a snack.
[television audio continues]
[Uncle Pat laughs]
[wind howls]
[forlorn Western music plays]
[Pat] Hey, did you know that you and I
have all the same favorite snacks?
Crumbly's Crumbles?
Can't leave those
lying around when I'm here
'cause I'll eat 'em.
Maybe a nap will brighten my spirits.
[crash] Oww! My bad back!
Hey! Why is my bed over by the window?
I can field this one.
Since I'm probably gonna
be here for a while,
I moved the bed so it's
closer to the window.
Better for my sleep apnea.
[chuckles] You know?
Speaking of which, time for my nap.
[Kiff sighs]
[whining] Please, Dad!
You gotta ask him to leave.
He's driving me crazy!
I tried to kick you under the table,
but you wouldn't listen.
I thought I could help him get a job,
but I'm starting to think
he doesn't even want one.
Not everyone has our work ethic, Kiff.
- I…
- [Pat] Anybody need anything?
No. I'm good. Thank you.
- Martin?
- Nope.
Okay. Well, if anybody needs anything,
I'll be on Kiff's bed, aka the couch.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha!
- Uncle Pat, wait.
Your ex-girlfriend- slash-ex-landlady,
if she wanted to get
back together, would you?
Well, yeah, of course.
But she'll never take me back.
Leave that to me.
[seabird caws]
There's someone we have in mind ♪
Who's hoping they can find ♪
The perfect place to stay in ♪
Maybe you can weigh in ♪
And sign on the dotted line ♪
You don't need to take a tour ♪
When you're absolutely sure ♪
If home is where the heart is ♪
Then the hardest part is ♪
Knowing where your heart should go ♪
Do you have a little room to rent ♪
In your heart? ♪
We wanna know what your stance is ♪
On second chances ♪
He'll sign the lease ♪
Just hand over the keys ♪
You'll never be apart ♪
Do you have a little room to rent ♪
In your heart? ♪
He's the perfect tenant for you ♪
He doesn't cook, so the place
won't smell like stew ♪
So what if he finishes
all of your shampoo? ♪
His love is never overdue ♪
Do you have a little room to rent ♪
In your heart? ♪
We want to know what your stance is ♪
On second chances ♪
He'll sign the lease,
just hand over the keys ♪
You'll never be apart ♪
Do you have a little room to rent ♪
In your heart? ♪
[music ends]
[feet padding quietly]
[seabird caws]
Fine. He can come back.
But he's gotta pay all his back rent.
[celebratory shouting]
[tires squeal]
Huh! You already brought over my suitcase.
Yeah, yeah. Love can't wait.
I'm home.
You… live here?
Where's all your stuff?
Where is all my stuff?
I threw it all out the window.
The window above the alley with all those
clean, neatly stacked empty boxes?
No, the other window. Above the ocean.
- Oh--
- [bird caws]
Well, nice to see you, Pat.
- What?!
- Whoa!
Uncle Pat, please,
you don't have to stay here.
Yeah, you should keep living
at the Chatterleys'.
- What? No!
- What do you mean no?
Absolutely not!
I love you, Pat, but I can't do it.
You're always lurking,
asking if anybody needs anything.
And that's a bad thing?
[employee] What do you mean
you're firing me?
You're a terrible cruise director.
You're supposed to be walking around,
asking if anybody needs anything.
- You're always telling stories.
- You never tell any stories.
- You're always hovering.
- You don't hover enough.
- You always…
- You never…
[both] …refill my drinks!
[calypso music playing]
Freshen you up. Ha, ha!
He is the best cruise director
I've ever worked with.
[Pat] Does anybody need anything?
Gee, Martin, if your brother
never came to visit,
we never would have gotten
this free cruise.
[calypso music continues]
To fun Uncle Pat.
[all] Fun Uncle Pat!
[all chanting]
Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!
Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!
Fun Uncle Pat! Fun Uncle Pat!
[Helen] Brought to you
by Partials Department Store.
Never pay full price for a crop top.
[tranquil music plays]
Good morning, Principal Secretary. I…
Helen, I'm setting a boundary.
This is me time.
I'm just here to let you know
I'll be taking a personal day today.
Sweepy can sub for me.
No, no, he can't. No personal day.
You've used all your PTO,
and it's January!
But there's a sale at Partials!
You know what's never on sale, Helen?
A good education.
I don't care for you.
[Kiff] I know! It's not there!
Those jerks at the escape room
told me I had to be 16!
16? But that's like
four to seven years from now!
I feel old enough to escape.
Honestly, we'd be even
better at an escape room
than a grownup would.
Yeah, we can totally find clues.
We can fit through
tiny hidden passageways.
We can read Morse code.
Uh, that's just you, Reggie.
[Helen] Ahem! Children!
I can create an escape room for you.
- Really?
- Of course!
Uh, in fact, that's
the assignment for today.
It's a… character exercise.
Act like characters
who are trapped in a room.
[all cheering]
[Helen] Okay, all, have fun! Bye!
[Kiff] Okay! Ha, ha, ha!
All right, let's get escaping.
Who are you?
I think he's here
to help us if we get stuck.
Eh, we won't need him.
Sir, don't help us
unless we're really stuck, okay?
[newspaper rustles]
Everyone, look for clues.
[soft piano music playing]
[soft piano music continues]
Ooh, hey! Look what I found!
Nah, Bar. It's never that simple.
[door opens]
- Oh.
- Huh. Anticlimactic.
[hinges squeak]
[dramatic music plays]
[Kiff] Where are we?
Ahem.
[fanfare plays]
[contemplative music plays]
[clears throat loudly]
Hey, it's Helen's Computer Gremlin!
Let me just close this stock photo.
[exertion grunts]
Ta-da!
You're inside Helen's computer.
[ominous musical stings]
[sadly] We're gonna live out
the rest of our lives in a computer!
Eh, probably how my life
was gonna go anyway.
Okay, everyone relax!
We'll get out.
We'd be great at escaping, remember?
[computer chimes]
Hey, an email! What does it say?
"One-Day-Only Sale at Partials.
Never pay full price for a crop top."
Whoa, Trev, you can read backwards?
Yeah, self-taught.
You just woke up one day and said,
"Hey, I'm gonna learn to read backwards"?
What else would I do with my time?
That email's got a star next to it.
[musical ring]
Uh-oh.
Am I delusional, or did Helen trap us
so she could go to Partials?
[Gremlin] Yes.
This is a nightmare!
Okay, Computer Gremlin, how do we get out?
[lively music plays]
Helen has to enter her password,
and then you can get out.
How-- how come you can do--?
[laughs] Sorry, kid.
It's a Computer Gremlin thing.
[lively music plays]
Could you type in the password for us?
You said I was only supposed to help you
if you get really stuck.
[muttering] I know that's what I said.
Leg up.
Okay, just have to figure out
Helen's password, then.
[rustling]
[rustling continues]
Ahem. Renée, do you mind?
Ah, but I love the noise
it makes. Just listen!
[rustling]
- Ooh!
- Wow!
People! Shh! I'm trying to think!
[soft instrumental music playing]
[musical sting]
- [wind blows]
- [mysterious voice] Helen!
It calls to me.
[Helen panting excitedly]
Let go of my crop top, Michaela Oats.
[whinnies]
Hey! Why aren't you in school?
You're a student!
Why aren't you in school?
You're a teacher.
[ominous music plays]
[fabric stretching]
[flames roaring]
[ominous music continues]
Ugh. I don't know what her password is.
Why don't you try
whatever's in that folder
marked "Password Hint"?
Reggie, why didn't you
tell me that earlier?
You told us to "Shh."
[unamused chuckle] Okay.
[Renée] How is that a hint?
Oh, uh, try "Helen is pretty."
[loud plunk]
Helen… Helen is hot.
[all] Eww!
[loud plunk]
- Helen is… fetching?
- [Kiff typing]
[loud plunk]
[chime]
"Did you authorize use of your
Bank of Table Town debit card
for 900 nuts on crop tops at Partials?"
Oh, this happens to me all the time.
You have to say yes,
or they freeze your card.
[Kiff] Wait, wait! Push no
so Helen will have
to come back and let us out.
[chime]
"Thank you. Your card will be
reported stolen immediately."
Is there a problem, or…?
[Helen cries out] Hands off me!
My crop tops! Not my-- Not my crop tops!
[soft instrumental music]
[Michaela] Help!
[chime]
[tranquil music playing]
[whistle-chirp]
Trevor, what does it say?
Helen just Tooted out,
"I'm being held in mall jail indefinitely.
#FreeHelen."
Let me out!
[whistle-chirp]
Now she's re-Tooting her own Toot.
- Cringe.
- Dang it!
We're never getting out of here.
[blaring]
"Your computer is at 5% battery
and will shut down soon."
What does that mean for us?
When Helen's computer shuts off,
you all get rebooted
and you'll lose all your memories.
What?
It's not so bad.
I've been wiped 347 times.
[meditative hum]
You just gotta go with the flow.
- Why are you minimizing this?
- We're doomed!
What do we do?
- [panting]
- Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
[panicked shouts]
[rustling]
[gasps]
[panicked shouts]
Wait, wait! Calm down!
I have a plan. I'm gonna go up there
and send an email to P.S.
He'll come get us out.
- But how?
- [Kiff] Renée…
Way ahead of you, boss.
[lively music plays]
Children. Stuck. In. My. Computer.
I. Did. It.
Come. Save. Us.
Computer. Dying.
[lively music playing]
Attached.
And… send!
[computer chimes]
Ugh.
[whoosh]
Means it wasn't delivered.
He never reads emails from Helen.
You're telling us this now?
Ugh, fine. Computer Gremlin,
we are really stuck.
Please help.
Honey, I know stuck, and you ain't it.
No, we are! We're really stuck!
No, you're really gonna lose
all your memory.
It's a huge difference.
[tranquil note plays]
- Let's eat him.
- What is wrong with you?
Trevor! You little freak!
[ominous note plays]
I guess this is why
there's age restrictions
for escape rooms.
It's been nice knowing you all.
Sorry I couldn't get us out of here.
[sniffles] You did your best, Kiff.
Thanks, buddy. Everyone gave it their all.
Candle, it's great you know
all that credit card stuff.
Reggie, our editor, the invisible art.
Trevor, so cool you can read backwards.
Ugh. I practiced
for three months using a mirror.
Three months, huh? Oh.
Renée, you--
Wait a minute. Using a mirror?
[gasps] The picture of Helen
looking in the mirror!
Helen backwards! [gasps]
Trevor! What is "Helen" backwards?
Neleh!
[lively music plays]
[all shouting]
Kiff, you did it! You got us out of there!
We all did it! Ha, ha, ha!
That was the best escape room ever!
[celebratory shouts]
You-you really think I can pull this off?
Oh, honey, I don't think, I know.
You're killing it!
[closing theme music playing]
Chirp.