Killing It (2022) s02e02 Episode Script


Yo, it's Zay. Leave a message.
Zay, it's me.
I know you pissed.
8 1/2 months of silence
has made that very clear.
But look, I just
I'm worried you might
be dead, all right?
So if you could just send me
a text saying "not dead"
- that would be a
[SIGHS] I broke my floor window.
Oh, I have a floor window now
and a wall toilet.
These are the sort of things
you'd know
if you ever call me back, man.
Hey, you jerking off in here?
I'm talking to
a family member, Shayla.
Ew, they don't want
to hear you cranking it.
Anyway, some people
are here to see you.
- Who is it?
- I don't know.
I didn't have time
to get into a whole thing.
- I gotta leave early.
- Why?
Relax, Columbo.
I got to get dressed for my haircut.
Dressed for your haircut?
Oh, Craig, if you go to your haircut
looking like an asshole,
you're gonna get an asshole's haircut.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[SIGHS] That was Shayla.
I don't think you'd like her.
Call me back, man.
Look who it is.
It's our new friends, the Boones.
I'm glad you're here,
even though I was entirely comfortable
being alone with this
crowd of swamp men.
One of me, ten of them,
just how I like it.
Seems like a lot of people
to hand off a few berries.
Yeah, see,
before we can get those to you,
there's the matter
of our compensation.
I sell the berries.
We split the profits 80/20.
Wasn't that the deal?
That was the old deal.
The deal you said
you were too good for.
Oh, no, that doesn't sound like us.
There's nothing I'm too good for.
She says in her
fucking stuck-up accent.
Honestly, that is so nice.
Nobody has ever said
I sounded stuck up before.
Zip it, Your Majesty.
Thank you so much.
So what, you want a better deal?
85/15, 90/10?
No, what we want is something
way more valuable than just money.

We want health insurance.
The fuck?
What I want is for you to make me
and my family
employees at Henry's Farm
so that way, we can all
join in on the group plan.
But we don't have a group plan.
Mom, we got him over a barrel.
We need to get cash,
fatty stacks of secret cash.
Remember what happened to Aunt Trish
when she started having them seizures?
She had a brain tumor,
and they charged her
$190,000 to cut it out.
She lost everything and then
died working a triple shift
at the Waffle House.
I never liked Aunt Trish.
Yeah, she sucked shit. Who cares?
The point is that no matter
how much cash you got,
the doctors are gonna find
a way to take all of it.
OK, but starting a health plan
is incredibly expensive
for a business.
Get an HMO, way fucking cheaper.
And then we have to
make an appointment
with a doctor to just
go see another doctor?
No fucking way! We need a PPO.
A PPO is gonna fuck us
with the deductible.
- What are you thinking?
- It's better for travel.
You know I spend half the
year in Arkansas with my kid.
Man, fuck your son.
There's so much
paperwork with the PPO.
I don't want no generic
medicine for my eczema.
I want the real shit.
I like Dr. Coslow, and she's an HMO.
I ain't finding
a new physical therapist!
Don't touch me.
God damn.
You want berries;
we want benefits.
I'll give you a pre-existing
fucking condition.
So this is crazy,
but there might actually
be a way to make this work.
I think we can pay for
the Boones' health care
and still survive until next harvest.
I mean, it won't be pretty.
Watch out, numbers. He's crunching.
We got to refinance
the mortgage on the farm.
- Crunch.
- Defer tax payments.
- Crunch.
- Sell the truck.
- Crunch.
- Sell the forklift.
- Crunch.
- Fire Shayla.
You didn't say "crunch."
Because we're not firing Shayla.
We don't need an office manager, OK?
She's redundant.
Craig, you can't call
people that anymore.
Shayla costs us $30,000 a year,
and she's a terrible employee.
You should've let me fire her
after the porta potty thing.
I told you when we
became 50/50 partners
in this business,
we're not firing anyone.
Jillian, firing people is a
normal part of being a boss.
It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal?
I told you about getting fired
from the waterpark, right?
You hated that job.
Yeah, I worked the big pool
on pad patrol,
which is when used pads
become loose from women's
and older girls' swimsuits
and float up to the top.
- And they absorb a lot of
- I get it.
Well, even losing that
shitty job ruined my life.
I didn't have any savings.
I had to put everything
on credit card.
I went into debt.
I lost my apartment.
That's when I started
sleeping in the billboard.
You seemed happy in the
billboard when I met you
I mean, in a sad,
desperate sort of way
that nobody was buying.
I became homeless, Craig.
I'm not putting another
person through that.
I've been fired, too, and homeless.
But we don't have a choice here.
Yes, we do.
What if we both gave up
part of our salary,
and then that way,
we could keep Shayla?
We're paying ourselves
the minimum amount
we need to survive
while we grow our business.
And if I had any money to spare,
I would spare it on an
apartment without a roommate.
- I thought you liked Dolores.
- I do like Dolores,
but she's old as hell
and losing her mind.
She thinks I'm her dead husband,
and I don't think they
had a good relationship.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you.
I'll pay for Shayla myself
out of my own salary.
You barely make more than her.
How are you gonna live?
I can go back to gig stuff
on the weekends.
I've got Uber,
OK, well, you're gonna
have to really cut back then.
- I know.
- No more superfluous expenses.
- That's fine.
- Only things you need.
I'm not needy.
You're gonna have to sell your Kia.
Yeah, that's fine, good.
It's interesting.
You were really loud,
and then you got all quiet.
Something change?
No, I was agreeing.
We can sell my car.
No fucking way.
You love that Kia.
You gave it a name.
You'd sell Mallory?
I don't actually call it Mallory.
I know it's not a woman, Craig,
because it doesn't have eyelashes.
Look, if you don't
want to be the bad guy,
I can take care of it.
Here, watch.
Yo, Shayla!
- Craig, don't.
- Shayla!
Oh, my God, what?
Shayla, I love your haircut, girl.
Oh, I didn't end up getting one.
But you left early yesterday.
Yeah, I know. It's a crazy story.
So I'm not even gonna try telling it.
OK, well,
the farm is having financial problems,
and we had to make
some hard decisions.
But I promise you're
not gonna lose your job.
- What?
- And I also promise
we would never choose
a car over a human being.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait.
Was that on the table?
- No.
- Yes.
That's fucked up!
I'm a great employee.
I've have poured my heart
and my soul into this
Yeah, I got time to take a survey.
Own a boat? I frickin' wish.
So now what?
We're gonna go sell my Kia.

Jillian, stop.
I'm done talking about this.
If you actually want to be nice,
you could drive separately
to the dealership
so I can get home.
I'm not trying to be nice.
I'm trying to win an argument.
How are you gonna get to the farm
every morning without a car?
I'll be fine.
I've got the billboard car.
The only reason you still
have that piece of shit
is because you couldn't sell it
because it failed
the emissions test
the Florida emissions test.
All you got to do is text
a picture of your car in.
It still drives.
Does the air-conditioning work?
I mean, it's hot air,
and it gives me a headache,
but it turns on.
Craig, I'm getting this car washed.
Then I'm selling it
back to the dealer.
You can't change my mind.
Working AC makes you happy.
That car makes you happy.
You are allowed to be happy.
Who cares about AC
if Shayla's life is ruined?
That's just selfish.
We don't know that Shayla's
life would be ruined.
I mean, it seems pretty likely,
but that's not on you, OK?
You can't take responsibility
for all the bad shit
that happens in the world.
This isn't about the whole world.
This is about Shayla, a human being,
someone we know and love.
- Love is too
- That was a strong word.
I overshot.
She reminds me of myself, OK?
Her dad also died when she was a kid.
She also does a thousand
gig economy jobs.
We both have archenemies who are dogs.
Look, I appreciate
that you have a big heart,
but we are building a business here.
Sometimes in business people get hurt.
Right, right, like Isaiah.
Oh, damn, OK.
Yeah, like Isaiah.
Isaiah got hurt,
and it sucked for both of us.
It probably sucked way more for him.
But we wouldn't have the farm
if I didn't do what I did.
So I'm not losing any sleep over it,
and neither should you, OK?
Where's my car?
It was right here,
like, one second ago.
I'm sure they just moved it.
Oh, my God, it's gone.
Someone took it.
Calm down. I'm sure it's somewhere.
Hey, have you seen
a silver 2017 Kia Forte?
It's brand-new. Smells perfect.
They're probably just drying it.
- Have you?
- I didn't see it.
- God!
- Jillian,
it's probably over here somewhere.
It's not here, not here.
Damn, I think somebody did steal it.
What the fuck?
What are you doing?

So my guy was drying a Kia,
went to get some rags.
Someone must have drove off with it.
I wish there was anything
I could do to help.
You could show us
the security footage.
I could, but I won't.
I know my rights.
You got a warrant?
No, but we've got a cop
right here who could probably
just go get one, right, Officer?
Sorry, I was doing some police work.
What's up? This guy try to kiss you?
No, he won't show us
the security cameras
without a warrant.
Ma'am, do you know how
hard it is to get a warrant?
I'd have to go to the station,
fill out a form.
That's it, just the two steps?
Here's what I can do.
I'll write up a report
saying that your car was stolen.
You send it in
to your insurance company.
You're not gonna launch
an investigation?
Ma'am, this is Miami,
one of the most dangerous
cities in the world.
In the time it took for you
to tell me all this,
there's been 50 murders.
50 feels like a lot.
Yeah, there's no way it's 50.
Look, I'm pretty sure I got
more important things to do
than track down a 2017 Kia Forte.
Are we done here?
I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
Well, thanks for coming.

I guess Shayla still
gets to keep her job
if my insurance company pays out.
No, no, no, no, no.
We need to get the Boones
their health insurance soon.
Who knows how long it'll take
for you to get a check?
Oh, it'll be fast. My guy is great.
He's with Good Uncle.
- Excuse me?
- Good Uncle Insurance.
They're rated five stars
by the Business Bureau.
The Better Business Bureau?
No, just the Business Bureau.
All our uncles are on the other line.
There are currently 65 nieces
and nephews ahead of you.
Wait time is approximately
Four what, Jillian?
Hours, days?
You know it's not minutes,
or they would have said.
What up, fuckers?
Fuck, it's hot in here.
Wait, wait, wait, they stole your car,
the one you were gonna
sell to save my job?
So I'm fucked?
- I'm sorry, Shayla.
- Our hands are tied.
Our number one priority is
keeping this business afloat.
No, no, I can't afford
to lose this job, Craig.
I'm already living
paycheck to paycheck.
I'm gonna have to move back
in with my shit-head mom,
get screamed at for
bringing the wrong fucking
dipping sauces home from McDonald's.
Oh, and she's gonna love it, too.
She's gonna rub my fucking nose in it.
"Oh, Shayla, I thought
you were gone for good
"this time, Shayla.
"What, you're so much fucking
better than me, Shayla?
"How stupid do you
have to be to get fired
from a fucking farm, you idiot?"
Turn the car around.
What the fuck?
This is a private office.
I want to see that
security footage now.
I told you, not without a warrant.
This guy's not gonna help us, Jillian.
You don't understand.
If I don't get my car back,
I'm gonna have to fire someone.
So? I fire people all the time.
I fired a guy this morning
'cause he took the bus to work,
and it gave me the icks.
Who cares?
Now, I'd really like you
off my property.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Please don't touch me.
Why you got to be
such an asshole, man?
You're the ones
who busted into my office
over some piece of shit Kia.
Now, please go. Ow, shit.
- No.
- Come on.
- What the fuck?
- You're gonna break my wrist.
- Jillian!
- Ah, Jesus.
Show us the footage now!
Fine. Jesus.

It's not what you think.
It it just turns me on.

Stop, this one.
Keep going.
Keep going. Keep going.
Wait, stop.

Jillian, what the hell?
Seriously, how'd you know
how to do that karate shit?
So one of the many cool things about
being a rideshare driver is
that female drivers are given
free self-defense classes.
That's cool.
Because they're sexually
assaulted so often.
- Less cool.
- Most of the moves only work
if you're sitting in the front seat
and getting choked from behind.
We don't have to keep
talking about this.
That sounds fucking badass!
You know, you're like
the gig economy Liam Neeson.
You weren't there, Shayla.
It actually felt really dangerous.
Yeah, well, I'm just pumped
because she made a promise,
and she's actually keeping it.
That never happens.
Do you have any idea how many promises
I break every single day?
All we got to go on is a blurry pic
of some random scumbag.
How the fuck are we supposed
to find this guy?
Yo, wait, if the dude's
from around here
and he's a scumbag,
I definitely went to high school
- with him.
- Definitely?
Yeah, we had 1,000 scumbags per grade.
I went to high school for six years.
You do the math.
That's 2,000 scumbags.
I'm pretty sure you're
not gonna happen to know
- the one guy who got
- Donnie Cartwright.
- What?
- Are you sure?
He got molested by the music teacher.
I think I remember him.
Here, he's on Instagram.
Diamond Muffler and Lube.
Huh, good thing
you've got lube, Donnie,
'cause you're about to get fucked.
- Jillian!
- Hell yeah!

Razor wire, ripped out car seats,
American flag?
Fuck this.
- Do you have a better idea?
- Yes!
You could always fire Shayla.
Hey, Craig,
sit on my fat dick and rotate.
I'm your boss, Shayla.
I made a promise.
Stay on hold with Good
Uncle until they pick up,
but let's just get
the fuck out of here.
That's not gonna happen.
You and I both know Good Uncle sucks.
They might never pick up.
- Ugh.
- Damn.
I'm going in with or without you.
- Jillian.
- Jillian, wait.
Tell Donnie I said, "What's up?"

What the hell is this?
Can we help you?
Yes, I'm looking for a 2017
Kia Forte in gravity gray.
The one you stole from
the car wash this morning?
[LAUGHS] Are you kidding?
A Forte?
You think I'm wasting my time
on a $12,000 car?
Bitch, I'm not going
back and forth with you
on the price of Kias.
Get the fuck out of my shop.
why don't we head out of here?
This is you, isn't it?
So you got a picture of me
stealing your car?
It doesn't prove anything.
I think the cops might feel
differently about that.
[LAUGHS] Oh, the cops.
The cops don't investigate
no stolen fucking Fortes.
But I am gonna need
that phone just in case.
Sorry, I can't do that.
I'm on hold.
Get the fucking phone.
Just give it to him, Jillian.
Give me the phone.
Fine, here.
- Shit.
- What the
- Ugh!
- What the fuck?
- Ow, shit!
Oh! Ahh!
Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!
Ahh! Augh!
Jesus Christ, lady!
The car's not here.
We slapped a new VIN
number on it and sold it.
Sold it to who?
A used car place, Car Wow,
the big one down the street.
Fuck, what'd you do to Paulie?
He's got a big trip coming up.
Come on, Jillian.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Shayla says, "What's up?"
What the fuck was that?
I don't know.
I got tired of being pushed
around, and I snapped.
I'm sorry. It's like road rage.
Road rage is honking your horn,
not beating someone senseless
with a steering wheel.
Yeah, that was crazy.
Do you think I might be
repressing some anger?
Yes, Jillian, I do think so.
Yo, did Donnie say anything about me?
No! start the fucking car, Shayla.
You almost got us killed.
Would you rather die than fire Shayla?
Yes, 'cause she's a good boss.
Start the car, Shayla.
Look, it's all over now.
We'll just go to Car Wow
and get my car.
Oh, gosh.
I am so sorry that happened to you.
I'm gonna go talk to my manager,
and we're gonna figure this out.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Do you guys want a
water while you wait?
I would love a water.
- Here you go.
- Thank you so much.
Please continue to hold,
and the next available uncle
will be right with you.
You feeling OK?
I'm good, totally fine.
- You have a little blood.
- Oh.

It's probably from the fight.
So I talked to my manager,
and it seems you're wrong.
- What?
- Yes.
Car Wow has an official
corporate policy
where we do not purchase
stolen vehicles.
But I saw my car in your lot.
It's right there.
I don't know what to tell you, ma'am.
If you're unhappy, you can
put your cell phone number
in this tablet,
and you'll receive a link
to our complaint form.


Did you just trick me
into getting marketing texts?
If you don't want to receive
those anymore,
just text 1 back.
You'll get an activation code,
and it'll allow you
to open up a Car Wow account.
And after you set that up,
download the app,
- and you'll be able
- I don't want an online form.
I want to speak to someone
who will help me
get my stolen car back.
I can have you speak to Mira.
- Thank you.
- She's our online virtual
Why do I keep getting
texts from Car Wow?
I didn't fill out a complaint form.
By connecting to our Wi-Fi,
you've consented to
receive marketing materials.
I'm gonna consent
to deleting this shit.
I'll be right back.
Zay, fuck, I can't believe it's you.
Did you get my voice mails?
Mm-hmm, all 307.
That is way too many
voice mails, Craig.
I just wanted to know
you were all right.
You know, you never responded.
'Cause I was pissed.
I had to move to Phoenix
'cause of you, bruh.
You ever been to Phoenix?
I'm so sorry, Isaiah,
about how shit went down
and what I did.
You ain't let me finish.
I was pissed.
But I'm not anymore.
No, that's not like you.
Your favorite phrase is "stay mad."
Yeah, I know,
but ever since I got here,
I've been trying to do things legit.
I don't want to be rude
seeing we just made up,
but you full of shit.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, but I met a girl
who I think you're really gonna like.
I even got a job
that I go to every day.
Fuck out of here.
You are not waking up
every day At 8:00 a.m.
And I finally get it.
I appreciate everything
you went through last year
and how hard it is
to do shit the right way.
But I didn't, though.
I did a lot of shit wrong.
Shit, what you do?
- Your hands are clean.
- Not that clean.
I burned down the putt-putt.
- They never proved that.
- Lied to cops.
Good, cops suck.
Dragged that kid's body to the swamp.
White boy with cornrows.
He had it coming.
Fed it to a snake.
That was awesome.
Brock got shot 'cause of me.
I don't even know who Brock is.
I turned you in.
It's my fault Rodney Lamonca
wants you killed.
No, no, I put myself in that position.
- I take responsibility.
- But
You're a good dude, Craigory.
And I love you, man.
And I miss you.
We got to keep this brief.
You know Rodney got ears
all over the place.
We'll talk soon.
Keep them voice mails coming.
Fucking stop texting me, Car Wow.
I don't have unlimited data.
So I guess I'm never
getting my car back.
But we have to.
I changed my mind about firing Shayla.
- What? Why?
- You were right.
I was feeling shitty about
what I did to Zay.
I mean, you were in a tough spot.
I guess I thought if I forced
you to make a selfish choice,
then I'd feel better about myself.
But I just talked to Zay.
- Wait, really?
- Yeah, he's alive.
He's in Phoenix.
And I'm not a terrible person.
Well, I never thought
you were a terrible person.
We have to save Shayla's job.
OK, cool, awesome.
How are we gonna do that?
Excuse me.
I'm looking to buy a car, and
I'd like to take a test drive.
I'm Ricky. I'm happy to help.
Have you given any thought
to the type of car you want?
This one, this car right here.
The lady knows.
Wow, what a smooth ride.
Yeah, it's a great vehicle.
Uh, we are a little far from Car Wow.
Not supposed to go further
than a mile from the Wow.
So if you want to make your way back,
I can tell you
about some very exciting
financing opportunities.
OK, I'll turn around in here.
A little fast on that corner.
Mm, I could go for some tunes.
Do you like tunes, Craig?
Love tunes, Jillian.
You should play something
from your phone.
I forget. Does the Kia have Bluetooth?
- Yes, it
- It sure does, Craig.
Oh, OK, it's my jam.
How is your phone already paired?
Because Mallory remembers me.
Who is Mallory?
This is my car, Ricky,
and I want it back.
- What?
If my driving's
making you uncomfortable,
you could always get the hell out.
I can't let you steal a car.
Please tell your friend to slow down.
She's doing her own
thing today, Ricky.
I have no power here.
Oh, I've missed this car, Ricky.
Stop saying my name.
See, Ricky, I don't treat
myself to things.
I buy my jeans by the pound.
I got my shoes from a police auction.
And I've got little feet, Ricky.
That means they're from dead kids.
- Oh, my God.
- But I bought myself this car.
$2,000 down.
I threw up in the bathroom
after I signed the check.
But driving off the lot
- Please slow down.
- I felt calm.
I love this Kia.
I was away from it
for six hours today,
and I lost my fucking mind.
- It's true.
- I believe you. Please stop!
Then you should also
believe me when I tell you
I'm not giving it back.
I would rather die
than let you have it.
Are you also ready to die, Ricky?
God damn.
Oh, guess I can hang this up now.
Jillian, that was fucking incredible.
Thanks, Craig.
I can't believe you
actually got your car back
- Thanks, Craig.
- For fucking Shayla.
You got to be the
nicest person I ever met.
Thanks, Craig.
You OK?
I just don't know
that I want to sell Mallory.
- What?
- Do you know why
I went so crazy today?
Not to save Shayla's job?
Yeah, I kept telling
myself it was that.
But when I got back
in the billboard car,
and it was so hot and
so loud and still smells
so much like that iguana
that died in the engine
That's what that is.
I can't go back.
I can't.
I know that makes me an awful,
selfish person,
but I just can't.
Jillian, this is what I've been
trying to tell you all day.
It's OK to be selfish.
But then you had
that call with Isaiah,
and you changed your mind about that.
Oh, right, yeah.
Well, fuck that.
That's me and my shit.
This has nothing to do with you.
Our journeys don't have to intersect.
But I like it when they do.
Keep the car.
Jillian, you've earned it.
And as my gift to you,
I'll fire Shayla.
No, I made her the promise.
I should tell her. I'm her boss.
You sure?
Yeah, this is business.
Sometimes in business people get hurt.
A car?
You're choosing a fucking car over me?
Fuck you, Jillian!
Oh, and by the way, everyone
knows your accent's fake.
Cannon, cannon, cannon.
Yeah ♪
Yeah ♪

OK ♪
2Chainz ♪
Whip cold, get dough,
different flows ♪
I killed the last beat,
I'm out on parole ♪
You know the code,
point scene money gone ♪
You know what I'm on,
pass the Styrofoam ♪
Ooh, I feel good ♪
Sorry it took so long.
Better late than never.
I'll take all the berries I can get.
Here you go.
Ooh, I feel good, ooh, I feel good ♪
Hey, motivated,
woke up like I'ma make it ♪
I had a dream ♪
I seen Serena playing tennis naked ♪
Formulate a plot ♪
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
This is the most money I've ever seen.
And almost all of it's going to
violent criminals' health care.
But hey, at least we can
survive until next harvest.
Who knows? Maybe things can calm down.
What up, big bruh?
Zay? What the fuck?
You shouldn't be in Florida.
What about Rodney?
What if he finds you?
Yeah, it'd be crazy if
that happened, wouldn't it?
Hey, Craig,
I've heard a lot about you.

Hey, well ♪
I'm the friendly stranger
in the black Sedan ♪
Won't you hop inside my car? ♪
I got pictures, got candy,
I'm a lovable gal ♪
And I can take you
to the nearest star ♪
I'm your vehicle, baby ♪
I'll take you anywhere
you want to go ♪
I'm your vehicle, woman ♪
By now I'm sure you know ♪
That I love ya ♪
I need ya ♪
I want ya ♪
Got to have you ♪
Great God in Heaven,
you know that I love you ♪

I'm your vehicle, woman ♪
By now I'm sure you know ♪
That I love ya ♪
I need ya ♪
I want ya ♪
Got to have you ♪
Great God in Heaven ♪
You know that I love you ♪

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
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