King Gary (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
The Bunion
Stuart.
Stuart Williams.
Howdy, neighbour.
God How you doing? You all right? Busy? All right if I have five minutes of your time? Five minutes? What is it? So, I'm having a very serious operation tomorrow - keyhole, to be 'pecific, and I'm just letting everyone in the crescent know the score.
Why? I'd rather not reveal the full details of the procedure.
No, no, no.
Why are you telling everyone? Well, I just need to let them know that their crescent warden will be inactive, just in case there's an emergency.
"Crescent warden"? Yeah, crescent warden.
It's actually a thing what I'm doing, as a pillar of the community.
I'm there for people, for my friends, for my kin, and I need them to know that I will be bedridden for two to three weeks while I convalesce within my house.
What, is it serious, then? I have a growth.
Gary, I'm so sorry, mate.
Is it treatable? It's a bunion.
Right, so this has been a complete waste of my time.
No, not a waste of your time, mate.
It's the most serious bunion the specialist has ever seen.
He said it's probably going to go in a book or something.
Sounds amazing.
Yeah, it is amazing.
Enjoy this, whatever you're doingin your garage.
Erm Argh, argh.
Have you moved that, mate? No.
That's been moved.
It's not been moved.
It's definitely been moved.
That's not been moved, mate.
What's that? Did you just say sorry? No, I did not.
I thought you said sorry, mate.
No, I didn't.
Bad manners.
Idiot.
Hello, all right? Oh, Dad! The pain, mate.
The absolute pain with it all and the agony within my foot is real bad.
Still a little bit drowsy, what with the medical stuff what they've got me on, but What do you want? OK, mate, emergency call-out.
Bromley Sofa Town has been plunged into darkness.
I'm talking a complete blackout.
I'll give Winkle a call and shoot over there.
OK, just a little heads-up here, though, Dad.
Sally, the manager, is a little bit of a worrier, OK? She's been through a very serious break-up, she's 32, she's single Am I doing her lights or dating her?! OK, just hang up, mate.
Whatever.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe, babe.
Tel, you are right, babe? What's happened? This is unbelievable, Gal.
I'm just going to have a little sit cos my leg's gone funny.
Yeah, take a seat, take a seat, my girl, my world.
Take yourself a seat.
What's going on? This has been shared on Facebook.
It's bad, innit? Yeah.
OK, wow.
Ah.
OK.
I mean, who'd put up an old clubbing picture like that, hey? It's 3am and I look like I'm totally off my swede at Bestival.
I'm proper spangled.
I look horrendous, Gal.
I look .
.
like a disco stinker.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No.
No-no-no, not in here.
You are no stinker, babe.
You are beautiful in whatever pickled state you find yourself in.
Thank you.
Who would do that, Gal, eh? It ain't right.
That's not right.
It is, it's It's awful.
It's awful, is what it is.
Huh? I'm a member of the PTA, Gal.
I can't have the teachers and other school mums seeing me like this.
I mean, what about Teddy? What about Teddy's mates? Teddy's mates' parents? I'm friends with Mr Brown the headmaster on there.
What's he going to think, hey? Yeah, I know.
This is a serious breach of protocol.
This is a level-one FaceyB code violation.
Get yourself over here.
Get yourself over here.
Gal, no, cos I'm going to go.
Babe, you need a cuddle.
You need a cuddle, girl.
Come here.
Come here, babe.
Now, who shared this memory? Who came at you like this? Who do you think, Gal? No, no, no.
I didn't think you two were talking any more.
Going to have to track her down, Gal.
Get her to remove it, before she may strike again.
Why don't you just message her? Already have.
And I've seen that she's read it but she ain't replied.
Read receipt, no reply.
The ultimate head-mash.
And to make it even more diabolical, Mad Kay, she's gone and double shared it, soppy mare.
What's she playing at? What is she playing She's supposed to be your mate! I mean, I've got five, potentially six hours, before peak Facebook feed time.
But I need to move on this el pronto, babe.
Then go.
Go.
I am sorry, babe.
I know I should be looking after you today.
Don't you worry about me, I'll be tickety-boo right here.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Now go.
Go, Tel, go.
Thank you.
Bye.
Morning, mate.
Hey, you all right? Sorry, I'm a little banged up.
I've just been at home convalescing.
You OK to sign for this? It's number 39, Stuart Williams.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Ouchy.
Cheers, mate.
Hey, hey, hey.
You nearly took the door off its hinges.
Are you OK to sign for this for across the road.
I'm in a rush? Yeah, no problem.
Who's it for? Number 39, Stuart Williams.
Can I get your name? Gary.
Gary King.
Actually, on second thoughts, do I have to sign for this? Well, you just said you would.
Yeah, that was before I knew who it was for.
But I've already put your name.
Gary Gary King.
My name isn't Gary Gary King.
Gary isn't my middle name, as well.
I haven't got time for this, mate.
No-one else is in and I've marked you down that you'll accept it, so you have to sign.
Yeah, all right, OK.
You're supposed to sign in the box, not just scribble all over it.
Well, my hands are full.
Hey, hey.
Mrs Lady! Mrs Lady! Can you do me one favour? Give number 39 another knock for me.
No, mate.
I've already rung and banged, there's no-one in.
Hello, darkness, my old friend.
No sign of life, Captain.
Hello! Hello? Hello? Was that your echo, Winkle? No, Big Gal.
Sounds like a bird.
Is that a pigeon? Too easy.
Can you do a chaffinch? I can do all the English ones.
Chaffinch, first bird of the spring.
I did not know that.
Sorry, er Shh! Let him finish.
Big Gary King, King's Property Maintenance.
What's occurring here? Oh, thank you.
Thanks for coming so promptly.
I came in this morning and I tried to put on the master lights and there's nothing.
Yeah, and you're a little in the dark about what's happened? Yes.
Look, it was fine yesterday.
Have you checked your fuse box? Yeah, that was the first thing I did when I came in.
It's fine.
You'd be surprised.
We could have a code 700.
A code 700? What does that mean? Nothing.
Don't mean anything.
"It doesn't mean anything!" Look, I'm confused.
Do you want to look at the fuse box or not? Do you need my torch? No, I think we'll be all right.
Winkle here eats more carrots than Bugs Bunny.
I don't even like carrots! What's up, Doc? My lights, that's what's up, yeah.
They're not working.
Look, I really don't have time for this.
Winkle, I want you to go and get as many of the boys as possible on this, throw some serious manpower at it.
Lady, it's in hand.
You have the honour of having THE best property maintenance man in the game on this job today.
She don't need to know that, Winkle.
She does, she should know, everyone should.
I want to shout it from the bloody rooftops! OK, look.
How long is it going to take for this job to be done? We'll be done by dusk, EOP today.
"End of play" today.
I know what that means.
Sooner rather than later.
Why, you got a sale on? I love the way your mind works! They've always got a sale on, these places.
He's so observant! I don't like sales, I hate sales! But I've got to do them to survive! Are you going to get the lights fixed and do the damn job?! Yep.
Mm, you are everything what I dreamed you would be.
Come on What have you got there, mate? Delivery for number 39, Stuart Williams.
They didn't tell me they was getting a new fridge freezer.
Do you live here? No, but my boy does.
Can you sign for it? Yeah, course I can.
.
.
He had an operation yesterday.
Nothing serious I hope? Gary, what are you doing sitting in the dark? It's like you're 16 again with your mucky video.
Well, I'm trying to enjoy my big sandwich.
Didn't you hear this man knocking? What, pray tell, is that? It's a fridge and a freezer for Stuart.
Just plonk it down here, love.
No, no, no, don't plonk it down there, mate.
I'm not signing for it.
Oh, your mum's already signed for it.
Then unsign it.
That's his third delivery today.
I'm sorry, once signed and documented I can't unsign it.
I didn't sign for it, she signed for it.
Dump it at her house.
I don't want it cluttering up my house.
You can dump it here.
I'm afraid she signed for this address, so I have to dump it here.
You're a real piece of work, you are, mate! Thanks, Mum! Oh, behave yourself.
Kay.
Oh, no.
You haven't come here to get your toenails done, have you? I haven't got the big belt sander in! Do us a favour, babe, skedaddle.
Go grab yourself a little frothy coffee while you're at it, hey? Ooh! Someone means business.
Oh, no.
How funny! How funny! How funny is that picture? Oh, no! Oh, no, it's such a corker! I've actually missed it.
Yeah, well, actually, I think it's quite mean to snap unsuspecting revellers when they're not suspecting it, so can you please remove it, please? Thank you.
Are you being serious? Yeah.
Oh, is this Serious Terri? Yes, that's me.
What, like really, really, really? Like really, really.
Really-really.
All right, I'll unshare it.
How do you unshare it? I'll unshare it.
Oh, look at it! Her face looks inside out! Yes, ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, ha-ha.
It was a long time ago.
Have a look at that.
Oh, show the whole place.
She looks like she's been dropped on her head.
Ha-ha-ha.
Babe, can you stop showing that please.
Get it down now.
All right, I don't want to fall out about it.
You've got to understand my predicament, it is so funny.
Yes, I think we've established that, but can you unshare it immediately now, please.
Time is of the essence.
Jesu! Is it done? Yes, it is done.
All right, all right.
So I've still got time to get to the source, then.
That's all right.
What, you're going to go and speak to Jodie Simone? Yeah.
Oh, that will be fireworks.
Whiz, pop, bang, babe.
Do you want me to come with you? Nah, nah.
I'm going to have to do this on me jacks.
Nah.
Yeah.
Nah.
Oh, yeah.
No.
Yeah.
I love work, I can watch it for hours.
Oh, it's good to be back, Winkle.
I feel a rush of blood.
I feel alive.
"Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.
" It don't have to be one last job, boss.
Come back! I could do.
It ain't no bed of roses, this retiring lark.
A little part of you dies.
I miss the boys, Winkle.
I miss the banter.
I don't mind admitting it.
I've loved every second.
I don't want it to end, Big Gal.
Come back! Maybe I will.
I'll have to run it past the wife.
A couple of days a week perhaps.
Part-time hours could suit me.
It's great news.
Yes! Yes! Let's get a selfie, document the occasion.
The old team, back together.
You're a nutter, William boy.
Oh, that's a keeper.
So, you think he's done this on purpose? Course he has.
He's hitting me when I'm at my weakest.
Could be another explanation.
Don't jump to conclusions.
Nah, this is clearly some kind of high jinks.
He knows I'm at home.
Maybe, just maybe, it's an accident with smaller items, but for large, white goods, you make sure you're in for them.
What kind of psychopath isn't in for them? You think he thinks you're that much of a mug? Oh, yeah.
He definitely does.
Then maybe you need to act before he walks all over you? OK, Mother.
Nah, mate.
No, no, no, no No way, Jose, am I signing that, let me tell you.
Enough of it is enough of it.
No more, I'm afraid.
But Mr Williams tell warehouse to deliver here.
Sorry, I need to drop or I don't get paid.
We have to make delivery.
Yeah, I understand that, pal.
But, right now, someone is trying to pull my underpants down.
I've just had a very serious medical procedure, I'm not even meant to be up and about on my feet.
It's a miracle I've made it here out onto the drive.
He has hada bunion removed.
But Mr Williams, he has nominated this as his safe place, so no need to sign.
His "safe place"? Mate, this is far from being his safe place.
He's taking the absolute Michael, boy.
He say to leave with Gary King.
He said that? They're his actual words, are they? He's going for checkmate, Mum! He's actually going for checkmate.
Yeah, it's his final move, but he ain't checked the board.
See, he's got me pegged as a rook, or a bishop, but what he don't know is I'm a queen, mate.
I'm a massive big old queen and I can go anywhere on the board where I want.
You leave them boxes here, all of them.
You just leave them all on the drive there.
Gary, what are you doing? Don't you lay down, boy.
Don't you melt.
Oh, I'm not melting, Mum.
I'm ice cold.
Sally, what's happened here? What's the coup? Your men, they've gone! Like, their phones started bleeping and that was it! That's highly irregular.
What was said? Nothing.
I tried to stop them but Winkle, answers.
We need answers.
Get on the blower to anybody and find out why all my lads were pulled off this job.
I'm on it, Big Gal.
Hello, where the hell are you? Well, why aren't you at Sofa Town? Big Gal commands it so! What?! I just want my lights fixed, it's that simple.
I could have got the steps myself! I could have fixed the lights myself! Well? It's Little Gal He's pulled them all for some emergency job.
What's the plum playing at? What is actually happening here? Not just here, Big Gal, it's the entire firm.
The whole corporation.
Winkle, go and get the big steps, it looks like me and you are doing this, kid.
It'll be an honour to serve with you again, sir.
Gentlemen, thank you for your speedy arrival.
I'm being pushed and pulled, kicked whilst down.
I feel like a beached whale, sat upon the sand, and I need dragging back into the surf, so I can swim amongst my own, amongst orcas and dolphins and such.
Gal, Gal, your old man's going potty.
That's not my concern, Wayne.
My concern is this.
My loyalists of soldiers, you have been called here to help me take my vengeance against my enemies.
I shall not let the crescent fall, not tonight.
Do I have your support? Will you join me in this mission? Gary.
Yes? Are we getting paid overtime? Mm-hm, yeah.
And we still get paid time and half? Mm-hm, yeah.
And, Gary, will you sign the time sheet please? Yes, Voytek, I will do that for definite, mate.
So, with that, I ask you, boys, are you with me? Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's go to work.
Checkmate.
Gal, call me when you get this, yeah? I can't find her, babe.
I'm done for, mate.
It's the end of the road for me.
I have no other choice.
I'm going to have to delete Facebook.
Erase my entire profile.
18 years' worth of memories, friends, holiday pals, Christmases.
Gone! Done.
Everything.
I'm just going to have to wipe it all.
It's over.
Have you been looking for me? Course I've been looking for you.
What you playing at? I'm not playing.
Putting bits of cheese out on social media, hoping I'd come scurrying like a little mouse.
And you DID come scurrying.
I needed to draw you out.
Yes, but you cannot be putting pictures of me up like that on the internet.
I've just joined the PTA, I'm a valued member of society now, and I look absolutely munted in those pictures.
Like, a proper gurn on, like, rave caviar all round my gob.
I cannot be seen like that, do you understand? Don't shout at me.
I'm not I'm not shouting at you.
I justhad a few cans and a jazz fag last night.
I was reminiscing about us and the things we used to do together.
The festivals, old-school rave-ups and I found that picture and I just thought .
.
I miss you.
I miss you, too, Mum.
You could have just called me and told me that or text me.
I haven't seen you in months.
How you doing? You all right? Yeah, I'm all right, getting by.
Might do all the closing parties in Ibiza this year, do you fancy it? Nah, we've booked up to go Portugal with the family, so Much of a party scene out there, is there? No, Mum, there's no partying, it's just relaxing and chilling.
Just take that picture down, yeah? I will.
Can you lend me a oner? Yeah, course I will.
Get Gary to ping it over.
It is a good one, though, that picture, innit? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's a corker.
Hm.
Nice one, Wink.
I enjoyed that.
Nothing like being thrown at it, hey? Any chance I can lure you for a beer? A bit of hard work's always a good excuse for a pint.
Or six! You don't need an excuse, boy, just being awake's enough for you.
I am a lad! But, nah, mate.
Denise has made me sausage and mash, and to be honest, I'm shattered! Me shoulders are aching and me knees are throbbing.
Maybe next time.
Like next week, when you're back at it.
Nah, I think today was a one-off, Wink.
I don't think I've got it no more.
It's graft, it knocks your pipe out.
It ain't in me.
You said you was coming back.
YeahI was dreaming, William.
It's a young man's dance, this.
You're the only one who gets me.
Everyone else thinks I'm weird.
House martin.
Right first time.
I love this movie.
Oh, yeah.
It's beautiful, it's a cracker.
To be fair, I love all of Vin Diesel's stuff.
I'll get it.
Nah .
.
I've got this.
What's that, an apology? You taking a knee? Well, it's just my way of saying thanks for everything you've done today.
Sorry, sorry, can you just have a little check for me? Is there a sign above my house that says sorting office? Sorry? The man knows what's going on here.
You thought you could get me when I was delibertated and I proved you that, like a little injured bird with a bad wing, I can still fly if tested.
What are you going on about? How did it feel? "How did it feel"? How did it feel this evening when you got home from work and you saw those boxes stacked up on your driveway? I'd've actually paid to see your face, mate.
Sorry, I thought you signed for them all.
Yeah, mate, I did.
But I don't legally have to keep them in my home.
I checked online.
Look, let's just face it, mate.
You thought you could have a practical joke with the master and you got schooled, boy.
What? No, my mother-in-law had a fall.
We're actually all very worried about her.
That's horrible news.
I'm Yes, well, I just assumed that our self-appointed crescent warden, who I knew would be in, would be kind enough to take in our deliveries.
Mm-hm.
Interesting, yeah.
So, you're still under the impression that your kitchen's in my home cos I left it out there on your front drive.
It's not on my front drive.
Is it not? No, where is it? Well, well, well.
That That is strange, you know? Where has that gone? I don't know.
I'm not the one who left out there.
No, no, I did.
You see, I thought you was testing me.
You know, making moves against me because I was like ill, cos I was sort of laid up and what not.
What? Who would do that? I thought like it was like tactical warfare, you know, you're sort of against each other.
Right, so, you're telling me my kitchen's been stolen? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean it It certainly looks like that.
My guess would be tinkers, local tinkers.
I mean, they'll take anything what's not nailed down.
I mean, basically, they're like road pirates.
Well, if you knew that, why did you leave it there? For a joke.
Erm Oh, mate, you know what? This is what I'd do if I was in your situation, call your insurance.
Straightway, Stu, get back to your house, call the insurance, tell them what's happened.
Right, and say what? I'm making a claim because my neighbour thought I sent him nearly 10 grands' worth of kitchen as a joke? So, he left it on my front drive and now it's been taken by road pirates? Yeah.
Actually, now I've heard it out loud, I don't think they're going to pay you out on that, mate.
Well, this is going to cost me a fortune, isn't it? Yep, yeah.
It Mate, I think it was probably just medication what I'm on.
Yeah, I sort of Yeah, you know what I think? I've misjudged the situation.
How do I know you won't do anything like this again? Well, I can only promise you, mate.
Give you my word, I will never do anything like this again.
I don't believe you.
Convince me.
Honestly, mate, I'm so, so sorry.
I'm I'm mortified at my behaviour, I'm disgusted at myself.
Please, I beg of you, Stuart Right, I've got the kitchen, it's in my garage.
Pardon, mate, what? What? Why? Why? What? Why would you do that? To teach you a lessonKing.
To respect other people's things.
Isn't that the main role of the "crescent warden"? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Right, look I've marked your house as "do not leave" with the delivery companies and I've had a word with some of the people round the crescent.
I've warned them not to leave parcels at your address.
Don't do that.
Please don't do that.
I will always take a parcel! I'll take a parcel every day of the week and twice on Sundays! I love taking parcels, mate! I just thought this was a game! I'm afraid you can't be trusted.
Sorry, did you say something? No, nothing.
Enjoy.
By the way, the word is "debilitated", moron.
Stuart Williams.
Howdy, neighbour.
God How you doing? You all right? Busy? All right if I have five minutes of your time? Five minutes? What is it? So, I'm having a very serious operation tomorrow - keyhole, to be 'pecific, and I'm just letting everyone in the crescent know the score.
Why? I'd rather not reveal the full details of the procedure.
No, no, no.
Why are you telling everyone? Well, I just need to let them know that their crescent warden will be inactive, just in case there's an emergency.
"Crescent warden"? Yeah, crescent warden.
It's actually a thing what I'm doing, as a pillar of the community.
I'm there for people, for my friends, for my kin, and I need them to know that I will be bedridden for two to three weeks while I convalesce within my house.
What, is it serious, then? I have a growth.
Gary, I'm so sorry, mate.
Is it treatable? It's a bunion.
Right, so this has been a complete waste of my time.
No, not a waste of your time, mate.
It's the most serious bunion the specialist has ever seen.
He said it's probably going to go in a book or something.
Sounds amazing.
Yeah, it is amazing.
Enjoy this, whatever you're doingin your garage.
Erm Argh, argh.
Have you moved that, mate? No.
That's been moved.
It's not been moved.
It's definitely been moved.
That's not been moved, mate.
What's that? Did you just say sorry? No, I did not.
I thought you said sorry, mate.
No, I didn't.
Bad manners.
Idiot.
Hello, all right? Oh, Dad! The pain, mate.
The absolute pain with it all and the agony within my foot is real bad.
Still a little bit drowsy, what with the medical stuff what they've got me on, but What do you want? OK, mate, emergency call-out.
Bromley Sofa Town has been plunged into darkness.
I'm talking a complete blackout.
I'll give Winkle a call and shoot over there.
OK, just a little heads-up here, though, Dad.
Sally, the manager, is a little bit of a worrier, OK? She's been through a very serious break-up, she's 32, she's single Am I doing her lights or dating her?! OK, just hang up, mate.
Whatever.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe, babe.
Tel, you are right, babe? What's happened? This is unbelievable, Gal.
I'm just going to have a little sit cos my leg's gone funny.
Yeah, take a seat, take a seat, my girl, my world.
Take yourself a seat.
What's going on? This has been shared on Facebook.
It's bad, innit? Yeah.
OK, wow.
Ah.
OK.
I mean, who'd put up an old clubbing picture like that, hey? It's 3am and I look like I'm totally off my swede at Bestival.
I'm proper spangled.
I look horrendous, Gal.
I look .
.
like a disco stinker.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No.
No-no-no, not in here.
You are no stinker, babe.
You are beautiful in whatever pickled state you find yourself in.
Thank you.
Who would do that, Gal, eh? It ain't right.
That's not right.
It is, it's It's awful.
It's awful, is what it is.
Huh? I'm a member of the PTA, Gal.
I can't have the teachers and other school mums seeing me like this.
I mean, what about Teddy? What about Teddy's mates? Teddy's mates' parents? I'm friends with Mr Brown the headmaster on there.
What's he going to think, hey? Yeah, I know.
This is a serious breach of protocol.
This is a level-one FaceyB code violation.
Get yourself over here.
Get yourself over here.
Gal, no, cos I'm going to go.
Babe, you need a cuddle.
You need a cuddle, girl.
Come here.
Come here, babe.
Now, who shared this memory? Who came at you like this? Who do you think, Gal? No, no, no.
I didn't think you two were talking any more.
Going to have to track her down, Gal.
Get her to remove it, before she may strike again.
Why don't you just message her? Already have.
And I've seen that she's read it but she ain't replied.
Read receipt, no reply.
The ultimate head-mash.
And to make it even more diabolical, Mad Kay, she's gone and double shared it, soppy mare.
What's she playing at? What is she playing She's supposed to be your mate! I mean, I've got five, potentially six hours, before peak Facebook feed time.
But I need to move on this el pronto, babe.
Then go.
Go.
I am sorry, babe.
I know I should be looking after you today.
Don't you worry about me, I'll be tickety-boo right here.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Now go.
Go, Tel, go.
Thank you.
Bye.
Morning, mate.
Hey, you all right? Sorry, I'm a little banged up.
I've just been at home convalescing.
You OK to sign for this? It's number 39, Stuart Williams.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Ouchy.
Cheers, mate.
Hey, hey, hey.
You nearly took the door off its hinges.
Are you OK to sign for this for across the road.
I'm in a rush? Yeah, no problem.
Who's it for? Number 39, Stuart Williams.
Can I get your name? Gary.
Gary King.
Actually, on second thoughts, do I have to sign for this? Well, you just said you would.
Yeah, that was before I knew who it was for.
But I've already put your name.
Gary Gary King.
My name isn't Gary Gary King.
Gary isn't my middle name, as well.
I haven't got time for this, mate.
No-one else is in and I've marked you down that you'll accept it, so you have to sign.
Yeah, all right, OK.
You're supposed to sign in the box, not just scribble all over it.
Well, my hands are full.
Hey, hey.
Mrs Lady! Mrs Lady! Can you do me one favour? Give number 39 another knock for me.
No, mate.
I've already rung and banged, there's no-one in.
Hello, darkness, my old friend.
No sign of life, Captain.
Hello! Hello? Hello? Was that your echo, Winkle? No, Big Gal.
Sounds like a bird.
Is that a pigeon? Too easy.
Can you do a chaffinch? I can do all the English ones.
Chaffinch, first bird of the spring.
I did not know that.
Sorry, er Shh! Let him finish.
Big Gary King, King's Property Maintenance.
What's occurring here? Oh, thank you.
Thanks for coming so promptly.
I came in this morning and I tried to put on the master lights and there's nothing.
Yeah, and you're a little in the dark about what's happened? Yes.
Look, it was fine yesterday.
Have you checked your fuse box? Yeah, that was the first thing I did when I came in.
It's fine.
You'd be surprised.
We could have a code 700.
A code 700? What does that mean? Nothing.
Don't mean anything.
"It doesn't mean anything!" Look, I'm confused.
Do you want to look at the fuse box or not? Do you need my torch? No, I think we'll be all right.
Winkle here eats more carrots than Bugs Bunny.
I don't even like carrots! What's up, Doc? My lights, that's what's up, yeah.
They're not working.
Look, I really don't have time for this.
Winkle, I want you to go and get as many of the boys as possible on this, throw some serious manpower at it.
Lady, it's in hand.
You have the honour of having THE best property maintenance man in the game on this job today.
She don't need to know that, Winkle.
She does, she should know, everyone should.
I want to shout it from the bloody rooftops! OK, look.
How long is it going to take for this job to be done? We'll be done by dusk, EOP today.
"End of play" today.
I know what that means.
Sooner rather than later.
Why, you got a sale on? I love the way your mind works! They've always got a sale on, these places.
He's so observant! I don't like sales, I hate sales! But I've got to do them to survive! Are you going to get the lights fixed and do the damn job?! Yep.
Mm, you are everything what I dreamed you would be.
Come on What have you got there, mate? Delivery for number 39, Stuart Williams.
They didn't tell me they was getting a new fridge freezer.
Do you live here? No, but my boy does.
Can you sign for it? Yeah, course I can.
.
.
He had an operation yesterday.
Nothing serious I hope? Gary, what are you doing sitting in the dark? It's like you're 16 again with your mucky video.
Well, I'm trying to enjoy my big sandwich.
Didn't you hear this man knocking? What, pray tell, is that? It's a fridge and a freezer for Stuart.
Just plonk it down here, love.
No, no, no, don't plonk it down there, mate.
I'm not signing for it.
Oh, your mum's already signed for it.
Then unsign it.
That's his third delivery today.
I'm sorry, once signed and documented I can't unsign it.
I didn't sign for it, she signed for it.
Dump it at her house.
I don't want it cluttering up my house.
You can dump it here.
I'm afraid she signed for this address, so I have to dump it here.
You're a real piece of work, you are, mate! Thanks, Mum! Oh, behave yourself.
Kay.
Oh, no.
You haven't come here to get your toenails done, have you? I haven't got the big belt sander in! Do us a favour, babe, skedaddle.
Go grab yourself a little frothy coffee while you're at it, hey? Ooh! Someone means business.
Oh, no.
How funny! How funny! How funny is that picture? Oh, no! Oh, no, it's such a corker! I've actually missed it.
Yeah, well, actually, I think it's quite mean to snap unsuspecting revellers when they're not suspecting it, so can you please remove it, please? Thank you.
Are you being serious? Yeah.
Oh, is this Serious Terri? Yes, that's me.
What, like really, really, really? Like really, really.
Really-really.
All right, I'll unshare it.
How do you unshare it? I'll unshare it.
Oh, look at it! Her face looks inside out! Yes, ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, ha-ha.
It was a long time ago.
Have a look at that.
Oh, show the whole place.
She looks like she's been dropped on her head.
Ha-ha-ha.
Babe, can you stop showing that please.
Get it down now.
All right, I don't want to fall out about it.
You've got to understand my predicament, it is so funny.
Yes, I think we've established that, but can you unshare it immediately now, please.
Time is of the essence.
Jesu! Is it done? Yes, it is done.
All right, all right.
So I've still got time to get to the source, then.
That's all right.
What, you're going to go and speak to Jodie Simone? Yeah.
Oh, that will be fireworks.
Whiz, pop, bang, babe.
Do you want me to come with you? Nah, nah.
I'm going to have to do this on me jacks.
Nah.
Yeah.
Nah.
Oh, yeah.
No.
Yeah.
I love work, I can watch it for hours.
Oh, it's good to be back, Winkle.
I feel a rush of blood.
I feel alive.
"Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.
" It don't have to be one last job, boss.
Come back! I could do.
It ain't no bed of roses, this retiring lark.
A little part of you dies.
I miss the boys, Winkle.
I miss the banter.
I don't mind admitting it.
I've loved every second.
I don't want it to end, Big Gal.
Come back! Maybe I will.
I'll have to run it past the wife.
A couple of days a week perhaps.
Part-time hours could suit me.
It's great news.
Yes! Yes! Let's get a selfie, document the occasion.
The old team, back together.
You're a nutter, William boy.
Oh, that's a keeper.
So, you think he's done this on purpose? Course he has.
He's hitting me when I'm at my weakest.
Could be another explanation.
Don't jump to conclusions.
Nah, this is clearly some kind of high jinks.
He knows I'm at home.
Maybe, just maybe, it's an accident with smaller items, but for large, white goods, you make sure you're in for them.
What kind of psychopath isn't in for them? You think he thinks you're that much of a mug? Oh, yeah.
He definitely does.
Then maybe you need to act before he walks all over you? OK, Mother.
Nah, mate.
No, no, no, no No way, Jose, am I signing that, let me tell you.
Enough of it is enough of it.
No more, I'm afraid.
But Mr Williams tell warehouse to deliver here.
Sorry, I need to drop or I don't get paid.
We have to make delivery.
Yeah, I understand that, pal.
But, right now, someone is trying to pull my underpants down.
I've just had a very serious medical procedure, I'm not even meant to be up and about on my feet.
It's a miracle I've made it here out onto the drive.
He has hada bunion removed.
But Mr Williams, he has nominated this as his safe place, so no need to sign.
His "safe place"? Mate, this is far from being his safe place.
He's taking the absolute Michael, boy.
He say to leave with Gary King.
He said that? They're his actual words, are they? He's going for checkmate, Mum! He's actually going for checkmate.
Yeah, it's his final move, but he ain't checked the board.
See, he's got me pegged as a rook, or a bishop, but what he don't know is I'm a queen, mate.
I'm a massive big old queen and I can go anywhere on the board where I want.
You leave them boxes here, all of them.
You just leave them all on the drive there.
Gary, what are you doing? Don't you lay down, boy.
Don't you melt.
Oh, I'm not melting, Mum.
I'm ice cold.
Sally, what's happened here? What's the coup? Your men, they've gone! Like, their phones started bleeping and that was it! That's highly irregular.
What was said? Nothing.
I tried to stop them but Winkle, answers.
We need answers.
Get on the blower to anybody and find out why all my lads were pulled off this job.
I'm on it, Big Gal.
Hello, where the hell are you? Well, why aren't you at Sofa Town? Big Gal commands it so! What?! I just want my lights fixed, it's that simple.
I could have got the steps myself! I could have fixed the lights myself! Well? It's Little Gal He's pulled them all for some emergency job.
What's the plum playing at? What is actually happening here? Not just here, Big Gal, it's the entire firm.
The whole corporation.
Winkle, go and get the big steps, it looks like me and you are doing this, kid.
It'll be an honour to serve with you again, sir.
Gentlemen, thank you for your speedy arrival.
I'm being pushed and pulled, kicked whilst down.
I feel like a beached whale, sat upon the sand, and I need dragging back into the surf, so I can swim amongst my own, amongst orcas and dolphins and such.
Gal, Gal, your old man's going potty.
That's not my concern, Wayne.
My concern is this.
My loyalists of soldiers, you have been called here to help me take my vengeance against my enemies.
I shall not let the crescent fall, not tonight.
Do I have your support? Will you join me in this mission? Gary.
Yes? Are we getting paid overtime? Mm-hm, yeah.
And we still get paid time and half? Mm-hm, yeah.
And, Gary, will you sign the time sheet please? Yes, Voytek, I will do that for definite, mate.
So, with that, I ask you, boys, are you with me? Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's go to work.
Checkmate.
Gal, call me when you get this, yeah? I can't find her, babe.
I'm done for, mate.
It's the end of the road for me.
I have no other choice.
I'm going to have to delete Facebook.
Erase my entire profile.
18 years' worth of memories, friends, holiday pals, Christmases.
Gone! Done.
Everything.
I'm just going to have to wipe it all.
It's over.
Have you been looking for me? Course I've been looking for you.
What you playing at? I'm not playing.
Putting bits of cheese out on social media, hoping I'd come scurrying like a little mouse.
And you DID come scurrying.
I needed to draw you out.
Yes, but you cannot be putting pictures of me up like that on the internet.
I've just joined the PTA, I'm a valued member of society now, and I look absolutely munted in those pictures.
Like, a proper gurn on, like, rave caviar all round my gob.
I cannot be seen like that, do you understand? Don't shout at me.
I'm not I'm not shouting at you.
I justhad a few cans and a jazz fag last night.
I was reminiscing about us and the things we used to do together.
The festivals, old-school rave-ups and I found that picture and I just thought .
.
I miss you.
I miss you, too, Mum.
You could have just called me and told me that or text me.
I haven't seen you in months.
How you doing? You all right? Yeah, I'm all right, getting by.
Might do all the closing parties in Ibiza this year, do you fancy it? Nah, we've booked up to go Portugal with the family, so Much of a party scene out there, is there? No, Mum, there's no partying, it's just relaxing and chilling.
Just take that picture down, yeah? I will.
Can you lend me a oner? Yeah, course I will.
Get Gary to ping it over.
It is a good one, though, that picture, innit? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's a corker.
Hm.
Nice one, Wink.
I enjoyed that.
Nothing like being thrown at it, hey? Any chance I can lure you for a beer? A bit of hard work's always a good excuse for a pint.
Or six! You don't need an excuse, boy, just being awake's enough for you.
I am a lad! But, nah, mate.
Denise has made me sausage and mash, and to be honest, I'm shattered! Me shoulders are aching and me knees are throbbing.
Maybe next time.
Like next week, when you're back at it.
Nah, I think today was a one-off, Wink.
I don't think I've got it no more.
It's graft, it knocks your pipe out.
It ain't in me.
You said you was coming back.
YeahI was dreaming, William.
It's a young man's dance, this.
You're the only one who gets me.
Everyone else thinks I'm weird.
House martin.
Right first time.
I love this movie.
Oh, yeah.
It's beautiful, it's a cracker.
To be fair, I love all of Vin Diesel's stuff.
I'll get it.
Nah .
.
I've got this.
What's that, an apology? You taking a knee? Well, it's just my way of saying thanks for everything you've done today.
Sorry, sorry, can you just have a little check for me? Is there a sign above my house that says sorting office? Sorry? The man knows what's going on here.
You thought you could get me when I was delibertated and I proved you that, like a little injured bird with a bad wing, I can still fly if tested.
What are you going on about? How did it feel? "How did it feel"? How did it feel this evening when you got home from work and you saw those boxes stacked up on your driveway? I'd've actually paid to see your face, mate.
Sorry, I thought you signed for them all.
Yeah, mate, I did.
But I don't legally have to keep them in my home.
I checked online.
Look, let's just face it, mate.
You thought you could have a practical joke with the master and you got schooled, boy.
What? No, my mother-in-law had a fall.
We're actually all very worried about her.
That's horrible news.
I'm Yes, well, I just assumed that our self-appointed crescent warden, who I knew would be in, would be kind enough to take in our deliveries.
Mm-hm.
Interesting, yeah.
So, you're still under the impression that your kitchen's in my home cos I left it out there on your front drive.
It's not on my front drive.
Is it not? No, where is it? Well, well, well.
That That is strange, you know? Where has that gone? I don't know.
I'm not the one who left out there.
No, no, I did.
You see, I thought you was testing me.
You know, making moves against me because I was like ill, cos I was sort of laid up and what not.
What? Who would do that? I thought like it was like tactical warfare, you know, you're sort of against each other.
Right, so, you're telling me my kitchen's been stolen? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean it It certainly looks like that.
My guess would be tinkers, local tinkers.
I mean, they'll take anything what's not nailed down.
I mean, basically, they're like road pirates.
Well, if you knew that, why did you leave it there? For a joke.
Erm Oh, mate, you know what? This is what I'd do if I was in your situation, call your insurance.
Straightway, Stu, get back to your house, call the insurance, tell them what's happened.
Right, and say what? I'm making a claim because my neighbour thought I sent him nearly 10 grands' worth of kitchen as a joke? So, he left it on my front drive and now it's been taken by road pirates? Yeah.
Actually, now I've heard it out loud, I don't think they're going to pay you out on that, mate.
Well, this is going to cost me a fortune, isn't it? Yep, yeah.
It Mate, I think it was probably just medication what I'm on.
Yeah, I sort of Yeah, you know what I think? I've misjudged the situation.
How do I know you won't do anything like this again? Well, I can only promise you, mate.
Give you my word, I will never do anything like this again.
I don't believe you.
Convince me.
Honestly, mate, I'm so, so sorry.
I'm I'm mortified at my behaviour, I'm disgusted at myself.
Please, I beg of you, Stuart Right, I've got the kitchen, it's in my garage.
Pardon, mate, what? What? Why? Why? What? Why would you do that? To teach you a lessonKing.
To respect other people's things.
Isn't that the main role of the "crescent warden"? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Right, look I've marked your house as "do not leave" with the delivery companies and I've had a word with some of the people round the crescent.
I've warned them not to leave parcels at your address.
Don't do that.
Please don't do that.
I will always take a parcel! I'll take a parcel every day of the week and twice on Sundays! I love taking parcels, mate! I just thought this was a game! I'm afraid you can't be trusted.
Sorry, did you say something? No, nothing.
Enjoy.
By the way, the word is "debilitated", moron.