King Gary (2018) s01e04 Episode Script
The Big Schmooze
Come on, no-neck chavvy, you've not even broken a sweat yet.
Four bricks I need seven out of you, mate.
Let's all push our limits, eh? Wayne, it ain't going to go you just staring at it.
Your spanner ain't turning, you're not earning, my son.
That's it.
Teamwork, everyone.
Let's be there for each other and work as a team.
You've gone too early on this.
It's fine, mate, it's sweet as.
Got your planning permission? As good as.
We've got an in with Jill Corn from the council so it'll all be tickety-boo there.
What, Corncob? You want to watch her cos she can swivel.
It is going to be very big, yes.
Two floors.
Two floors?! You didn't tell me about this.
Well, no-one knew apart from those working on the project.
That was confidential information.
It's like a big glass box.
Again, another surprise ruined.
More working, mate, less talking, son.
Glass?! It's going to be boiling in there.
What you doing, growing tomatoes? Dad, it's very of now.
It's self-cleaning glass from Belgium.
What about the neighbours? You spoke to them? One objection and you won't get your planning through.
Someone like Stuart, he thinks you're a right mug.
No, he doesn't, he really likes me.
He thinks you're a complete plum.
What about the other two, the pencilnecks? Robin and Anne? They're fine, they're fine, mate.
You really trust 'em, boy? That is what tonight's all about.
I'm getting all the big movers and shakers from the crescent round to mine.
We've having a little bit of dinner then I'm making the big announcement, taking questions from the floor.
This is my big schmooze.
Yeah.
I'm supposed to be coming round to watch the boxing - remember that? Still having the boxing, don't worry yourself, mate.
Still very much looking forward to the boxing.
Yeah, you've got it all worked out, haven't you? I tell you what, I can't wait to see this, it's going to be a complete shambles.
Shambles? No, mate.
Thisis going to be the centrepiece that Butterchurn Crescent deserves.
This is who we are.
This is what we do.
We're the Kings.
We stay.
We evolve.
We prosper.
King fire! King fire! That is a ridiculous amount of alcohol for one sitting.
It's actually for the pop-up boutique cocktail bar we're putting on for this evening, yeah.
It's mine and Mad Kay's new business adventure, Bartini.
And are you getting any food at all? Yeah, course, yeah.
I'll get an array of Kettle chips and some flavoured popcorn.
But for dinner we're getting a Deliveroo for everyone.
Everyone? It is very 2000-and-now, Denise.
Very US of A.
Honestly, it's the future.
It's like real-life food, like, restaurant-standard food delivered straight to your door.
It's a marvel.
I don't think you can rely on a takeout, that's all.
It's fine, we did a run-through earlier this week.
Ran like clockwork, so, you know.
But what you're having here, Terri, is a soiree.
Isn't it? It's a soiree.
Yeah, yeah, it's a dinner party.
Yeah, Denise.
Well, it's all about the prep for a soiree so you can concentrate on your hosting, Terri.
You have your precooked jacket potatoes, warm them through when guests arrive, quite a mild chilly, just a little bit of spice, big vat of Uncle Ben's and then I mean really push the boat out.
Can I do my big salmon? No.
I don't need your big salmon, OK? These are new frontiers, new times, OK, we've got Deliveroo for the munch and Mad Kay's doing the cocktails.
OK.
Yeah, OK.
Right.
Oh, well.
Sorry, what'd you say? Nothing.
Felt like you said something under your breath then.
No, no.
You do that a lot, by the way, under your breath.
Can I have me lemons, please? Thank you.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
DOORBELL RINGS How we doing, eh, Gal? Honestly, what we like? I says to Crabbie in the car on the way over here, I says, whose idea was it to give me and Terri a cocktail business? I mean, we'll end up drinking everything, won't we? Because we love getting smashed! I mean, the business is bound to fail! SHE LAUGHS So is Crabbie hanging about or is he just going to go home? Gary.
Here, we was just saying in the car on the way over, whose idea was it for them two lushes to have their own cocktail business? Yeah, Kay was saying exactly the same thing, actually.
It's bound to fail, mate, innit? Can't see it working, can you? Not in a million years.
Place looking nice.
Really proud of you! Thanks, man, thank you.
Who'd have thought it? One of us getting an extension.
Well, actually, that's top secret information so if you're going to hang about Blinding, mate.
Shall I get the Technics set up? No, no.
No to Technics cos, um .
.
this isn't going to be that sort of party.
Oh, well, we'll only end up getting them out later when it goes west! Come down from there! Come down, mate, seriously.
So, guys, listen to me, this can't go west.
It's a very civilised affair.
What did you invite us two for, then, eh? THEY LAUGH So where am I building this bar, then? Building it? How big's it going to be, then? Six by eight with the canopy.
I don't think you need a canopy.
No, we need a canopy.
It's got the Bartini sign on it.
I don't think I'll be able to get it through the door.
No, it's not going to get through the door.
I can dismantle it, rebuild it in here.
That's a good idea, babe.
No, no, no, that's a lot of work! The guests are arriving soon! I can't have banging and building in here.
I need a nervous poo.
Up top.
Babe, why has Crabbie just rocked up with his Technics and a massive great big bar? What is this he's building? He's so sweet like that.
Do you know he designed that himself? All for the new Bartini business.
Mmm.
Yeah.
About it, I was thinking whether tonight's the right night to launch Bartini or whether we just wait for another.
I just don't want anyone thinking that this is a house party.
What do you mean? We do what we do when it's a King's do.
Whoa for a second! That is your going-out face what you've got on there.
Seriously? Babe, I thought we said we were going to go for a more conservative look for the big schmooze? Did we now? I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
Yeah, it did, Gary, yeah.
I thought you were supporting me in me new business.
Babe, babe, babe.
I support all of your new business escapades, every single last one of them but, just on second thoughts, I'm not sure if this is the right place for people like Kay.
People like Kay? Whoa, you're getting wrapped around snobbery, Gal.
We ARE people like Kay.
And Crabbie?! Crabbie is one of your oldest pals.
One of Teddy's seven godfathers.
But him being here, babe, is giving me the narrows a little, you know? I can't have no bedlam here, not this evening.
He is doing the bar, all right? At least he's trying to support us.
Teddy's away at the caravan with fat Auntie Sandra, we've got the night off.
Living la vida.
Go and have a little livener or something.
Nah No, no, no, no, no.
Thou shall not have a drink until after my big announcement.
Ha.
Don't be such a Trevor.
Pardon? Don't be such a Trevor.
Wow.
Yeah.
I'm certainly not a Trevor.
I might be a lot of things in life but I ain't no Trevor.
You are.
I'm not.
All right, Trev? How's it going, Trev? No, no, no, I'm the least Trevorist person what you know in the whole world.
Tell your face, Trev.
How dare you, in my own bedroom, call me a Trevor.
Do you know what? I ain't having this row right now, Gal, OK? You stick to your extension stuff and I'll do what I do best, yeah? Host.
Excuse me, Trevor.
Don't Trevor me off.
OK.
I'm not Trevor.
You're Gary King.
What does Gary King do? He schmoozes.
You got this.
MUSIC: Return Of The Mack by Mark Morrison Ohhh, ohhh I'm on Oh, yeah-eh Well, I tried to tell you so But I guess you didn't know Robin.
Anne.
May I say how humbled I am to have you both at my house? You both look stunning.
I mean, look at the glow on your skin.
Well Cancun was everything we dreamed it would be.
Can you imagine us two there? You know, spring break! Oh, thank you so much, Gary, for putting up our new shed whilst we were away.
Yeah, so kind.
Such a wonderful thing to come back to.
For me, that's what neighbourship is all about, supporting each other's dreams and our ambitions and I, um A twinkle, anyone? Wow, thank you.
There you go, my darling.
You get that right down your Gregory.
Oh, it's quite strong.
You can't have a cocktail too strong.
That is our philosophy here at Bartini.
Kay is doing a boutique cocktail bar which is So cheers to me.
Cheers.
Thank you.
And, Kay, this is Robin and Anne Tucket, two incredible human beings what live down the road.
Tucket? SHE LAUGHS Crabbie, mate, don't double beer there.
Double? I got three, mate.
One in the holster! HE LAUGHS So Crabbie is Kay's better half.
So why don't you keep your grubby little mittens off him, Anne? SHE LAUGHS, THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY So HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY .
.
Cancun.
Did you get out and about much? See the sights? I brought my drone so, yeah, got a lot of hours of footage with that.
We kind of stayed in the hotel most of the time.
SHE LAUGHS Look at his shoes, Gal.
Ooh, they are something else! Box fresh, Gal! SHE LAUGHS Oi, donkey, got that food ordered yet? Got the golfing lot with me.
You know Mick, don't you? Big Ears and Intelligent Phil.
Yeah, sorry, guys, this is Crescent folk only - no gate-crashers, Dad, so get rid.
I don't care about that old guff, we've come to watch the boxing, haven't we? Dad, there will be no boxing till everyone has left.
You're hard.
Look, the boy's being a fanny.
No boxing till later on.
Come on.
Oh, Gal, you're running low on space here.
You might want to get a loft extension.
Oh! SHE LAUGHS Oh, and I've got Gary and the golf lot's order.
They want a mixture of Chinese and Indian.
And Intelligent Phil wants a veggie burger.
Course he does.
OK, I'll just Sorry, Anne, what was the flavour of pizza you ordered before you changed your order? Was it a meat feast? It was a meaty one.
A chicken supreme, I think.
Chicken supreme, OK.
You want to change that to the fish and chips, is that correct? I'd actually like a Thai but I can't have anything too hot.
It's bad for my Crohn's.
Oh, sorry about that, that's a shame.
How about a pad Thai? You've had that before.
Yeah, a pad Thai but with the nuts on the side.
You want the nuts on the? That's right, separate from the rest of the food, please.
Yeah, I'll do me best.
So it's a pat Thai? BOTH: Pad Thai.
That's right.
You spell it P-A-D.
Pad.
Thai.
Thai.
And it's from a? Thai.
Thai.
Thai.
Yeah.
Great.
Clue's in the name.
I'll pop that Yeah, pad Thai.
This is all very complicated, isn't it? No, no, it's fine.
It's perfect, actually, in fact, so, you know.
Oh.
Oh, no, where's that gone? Oh, no, what's happened? Nothing, just Just disappeared, the whole order.
I'm sure I'll get that back up.
You gotta go round everyone again, have you? Nah, nah, it's fine, actually, cos my memory's, like, top-notch, like an elephant.
Don't forget a thing, do you know what I mean? So justyeah.
Little touch.
I'll just remember.
Yours, yours.
Yeha, got it all down so it's fine, it'sit's Awesome, in fact.
Sorry, guys, could I have a little bit of space? I just feel a bit urgh.
I'll put some more dips out.
Yes, hey, hey, Stuart, Meg, how you doing? Hello, mate, you all right? Come here, mate.
Bring it in.
You well, brother? You good? Yeah.
You smell lovely, mate.
What's that, a drop of citrus? Uh, yeah, it's just deodorant.
Hey.
Thank you for having us over, Gary, it's very gracious of you.
Yes.
Makes a change to be at yours rather than you hovering around at ours.
HE LAUGHS Good one, good one.
So would you like your welcome drink now or do you want me to give you the tour of my gaff? Erno, I think I can imagine what the rest of it looks like.
Again, mate.
You done me again there.
How do you live with him? Absolute Oh, mate, I can see you're on form today.
Evening, Stuart.
Hello.
Hey.
Robin Tucket, from round the crescent there? What are you drinking? It's a porn star martini.
Yeah, Gary's got a full cocktail bar in the garden.
You can have anything.
Would you like a drink, baby love? Yes, just a craft ale, please.
Thank you, honey.
Get whatever you want.
The bar is yours.
That's, uh, a lot of kissing.
That's a bit much, innit? It's a European thing, isn't it? She's German.
Yeah, I mean .
.
you can't just run around town dishing out kisses to everybody, can you? She's not just dishing out kisses to everyone, it's just how she greets people.
I'm already leathered, Gal.
Properly plastered.
UmStuart, meet Sammy Crab.
Crabbie, Sam Crab, meet Stuart.
Um Keep this on the DL.
But you two need to get yourself in that back garden.
There's some foreign sort out there handing out kisses.
That's actually my wife.
And, um, Stuart here was just saying, actually, it's a very normal custom.
She'll be out there now in the garden kissing everybody.
Won't she, Stuart? When she's introduced to someone she will kiss them, yes.
Yeah.
So it's just normal, mate.
Yeah.
HE BLOWS MUSICAL NOTES HE LAUGHS No upstairs, fella.
No.
It's not that sort of party.
Great friends you got, Gary.
I'm going to go out and protect my wife.
Yeah, uh, Stu, um, get whatever you want.
What's happening with the food? Everyone's starving! So hungry! This is a shambles.
It's not a shambles, Dad, please, just relax.
Can we at least watch the boxing with the sound turned down? There's some good fights on the undercard.
Mate, no.
Seriously, no boxing.
No boxing.
Go and get yourself another drink.
Oh, blimey.
Mate, that is the dog's.
Telling you now, that tastes expensive and overseas.
It's going to explode all over their faces.
Seems like a lot of people are getting a little hungry.
How long is this food going to be? Er Chef says it's preparing it now, so Just now? This soiree is going to rack and ruin.
That's a bit strong.
Why don't you have a lovely little cocktail? I will.
Thank you.
But just so you know, I have my big salmon prepped and ready in case of an emergency such as this catastrophe.
We don't need your big salmon.
All right? People are starving.
Just let me get my big salmon out.
Look, I hate to break it you but no-one likes your big salmon.
How dare you.
Now, please, stop interfering.
Just trying to help.
That's all.
I'm not an interferer.
Babe, babe.
I need an executive chat now.
Back garden at once, please.
Do you need me in on this? No, Mother, dearest.
I will take two of these, in fact.
Thank you.
Very moreish.
Mm.
I thought you said that you'd test-driven this whole catering thing.
I did, I swear, with Teddy and his three judo mates.
Four kids?! There's 35 covers in there, baby girl.
I know.
35! I know, I know.
It was a little bit more than I was expecting, if I'm honest.
I'm really sorry, babe.
I feel like I've totally messed up.
People are going to start leaving in droves soon, babe.
They're going to want to eat at home.
My dream of glass is rapidly turning into sand.
Oh, no.
Oh, my ticker.
I'm having my palpitations, babe.
Oh Look at my blinking, babe, just get a look at the blinking.
Look at me, look at me.
Calm, all right? OK, listen, listen.
I'm thinking on me trotters here but I think the only thing for it is we throw more alcohol at the situation.
People always stay for booze.
No Not like that.
I'm not doing it like that.
I'm going to do my speech.
I'm going to do it now.
What is a street? Is it the houses? Is it the gardens? Is it the driveways? Is it the dustbins? The bins?! No! It is the people that make a street and a crescent.
That is That's .
.
what makes .
.
where we live what it is.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, that'll be the food.
CHEERING Gary.
I was just passing, mate.
You all right? Yeah, it's not a great time, if I'm honest with you, John, mate.
What you having, a bit of a bash? Right random one, I heard.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's NOT a random one.
Crabbie's here.
He text me, told me there's some German sort knocking about dishing out kisses.
Crabbie had no right in disclosing that kind of information.
She's actually one of my guest's wives and it's very, very normal in their culture.
Why didn't you invite me, Gal? I mean, what have I done, mate? It's nothing personal.
PHONE RINGS That stuff on the Facebook, it weren't me.
It's fake news, mate.
Shh! Yep, speaking.
Great.
Yeah, no, I have Deliveroo'd.
Safir, where are ya? OK, mate, I can work with that.
You're not outside me house, mate.
I'm outside my house as I speak.
No, no, no, listen, what is in your sight of vision right now? The school? I don't live near no school, mate.
No, no, no, I'm positive.
I live on the road.
There's no school There's no school here, mate.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
You stay where you are.
Remain in radio contact.
Safir, I am going mobile.
I repeat - I am going mo-bile.
OK, listen, right, a white van has just gone past me.
So you need to go from the opposite direction from the white van.
Can you see a white van? I can see you on the map app.
You're nowhere near me, mate! You come to me, mate.
That's your job.
You bring the food to me.
What are you doing at the flats, mate? She's given you the wrong postcode, mate.
Wait there.
Hold fire.
I'm coming for you, baby.
Safir! Safir! ECHOING: Safir? ECHOING: Safir.
ECHOING: Safir.
HORN BEEPS Excuse me, bruv.
Bruv, Butterchurn Crescent? Please tell me you're Safir.
Mr King? Gary? Listen, bruv, why are your directions so complicated, man? I've been running about town looking for a bike.
What, with all this? Bruv, have you seen this food, bruv? Listen, I had to borrow my brother's car.
You might have to tip.
You are not getting a tip! You're an hour and a half late! Bruv, I went to seven different restaurants, you know.
Yeah? Never had to order this amount.
Lookit could be OK.
We can still save the schmooze.
LIVELY CHATTER Thanks for giving me a hand, Safir, mate.
That's very kind of you.
Are you kidding? You're joking.
INDISTINCT CHATTER It is live in here, bruv! You concentrate on the job in hand, mate, you concentrate on this food.
Get out the way, mate.
John? John? Where you been? Everyone's starving.
You're not even meant to be here! Food's here, chaps! CHEERING All right, Gary, mate? What are you doing here? He text me.
Hi, Gary.
I expect more out of you.
So happy to be here, man.
Where's the burrito? Not the schmooze.
Not the schmooze.
What you doing? GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS BOTH: Have it! Have it! You're my heart, you're my soul, can you make me whole? Round, round, round and catch it! Reel you in.
I surrender.
Boom.
Come on.
You dirty, dirty mutt.
Guys.
Food's here.
Guys.
Dinner's up.
Guys, food is here.
Oh, shut up, Gary.
Bit early for garage music, wouldn't one think? It's never too early for garage, Gal.
Right, Crabbie, mate! Crabbie, old fella, turn that music off there, mate, please.
Please, mate.
No, Crabbie.
Turn it up.
Going to have to put a foot down there, mate.
Crabbie, music off now, at once.
Crabbie! MUSIC STOPS No! No, Crabbie, mate.
No! Everyone - men, as well, with the boxing - there's a reason I've got you here.
SHE MUMBLES Stop being a party pooper.
Mum, not supposed to be a party, so I can't be a party pooper.
OK? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Wake up, Mum.
I am awake.
Brilliant.
Right, everyone, dwellers of the crescent .
.
the reason I have gathered you here tonight is .
.
I'm having an extension built.
Can we have the music back on, please? Just let that sink in for a minute, mate.
Anne, Robin, I'm having an extension built and what I need from all of you is if anyone's got any problem with that, say "aye" now.
Anyone? Miss Watson? You OK with it? Anything for you, Mark.
You're a good girl.
OK, Crabbie, with that, let's celebrate.
A little bit more music.
Yes! MUSIC RESUMES Oh.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
Oi, oi.
What you doing, guzzling all my beer? I-I-I was just grabbing one.
Is that OK? I'm joking.
Mi casasu casa.
Thank you.
Look, I've I don't know What I want to sort of You don't want me to object to your extension.
Yeah, that's what I was going to get to, yeah.
It is fine with me.
I-I-I don't have a problem with ya.
I-I-I never have.
Why don't we just Why don't we just start afresh? No more petty arguments.
All right? How about that? Do you mean that, mate? Yeah.
Do you know what? I do.
This moment shall go do down in Crescent folklore.
Two fine warriors laying down their swords and saying this war is over.
These are times of peace, Stuart Williams.
Bring it in.
Lock up.
Oh, right, yeah.
Have a King hug.
You all right? Yeah.
You give really good hugs.
I know.
I know, mate.
And I know we belong together Only love Ah.
You all right, babe? There she is.
You all right, pancake? The old two-day hangover is an absolute killer, right? Yeah.
Don't think Bartini's going to work, do you? Nah, nah.
Probably not.
Look, babe, um, Jill from the council just belled me and, um .
.
one person from the crescent has objected to the extension.
Now, look, don't jump in at the deep end, all right? She's got a source there so hopefully she's going to wrangle a bit of intel and, I dunno, get some good news.
Don't jump? I'm mid-air already, babe! I'm mid-flight! Cop this.
Gary.
All right, mate? We were just talking about you.
Mate! Ha! Want to look that word up.
What, now? We stood there as men and we hugged in my garage.
Where I keep my lawnmower.
Where my son keeps his toys.
Gary, we had a lovely evening.
You were an exemplary host.
Nah.
No, no, no, no, no.
I know it was you, Stuart.
I know it was you what objected to my extension.
Hold on a second, Gary.
You crushed my dreams.
And I take back all of those nice things I said.
I think you're nasty, I think you're mean, I think you're a weasel, I think you are a schnide, sir.
Face it, pal, you're jealous of me, you're jealous of my extension.
Gal, babe.
Not now, sweetheart.
You dig your trenches, mate, and you dig them deep.
Cos battle lines are drawn again and I'm going to destroy you, Stuart Williams.
Gal.
What, babe? It weren't Stuart what objected.
It was you dad.
That's a bit embarrassing, isn't it, Gary? You wasn't ready for an extension, boy.
Especially not a double-storey glass one.
Well, you know what? Sometimes in life it feels a little bit like you're just lining me up to lose for your own entertainment.
A man does all his learning from losing, not from winning.
Whatever, Dad.
I remember when I got my first big contract at Kings Property Maintenance.
I was buzzing.
Thought I was Charlie Big Potatoes.
I've gone straight down the car lot and bought a brand-new BMW.
Drive it round Grandad's.
He went garrity.
Me spunking all me money? He's dragged me back down the car lot and made me sell it back to 'em.
Point he was making was you never know what's around the corner.
Sometimes it's best to have a little bit tucked away rather than have it all out on show.
Do you know what? He was right.
Year later, recession took hold, business nearly went under.
Three months later you come along.
They were the worst few years of my life.
I wouldn't change any of it.
Everything good in my life grew from that point.
What I'm saying is, life ain't a race, son.
Slow it down a bit, eh? Give you a proper slap, did he, Grandad? Did he ever.
Nearly had me strides down.
They all come out the top of the flats, have a look, laughing at me.
He could have a row, Grandad.
God rest his soul.
Do you want to come in? Get yourself a little whisky? Yeah, come on, then.
I was thinking, now I'm not going to get the extension, what about one of those little golf pads, you know, in Portugal? You can get a villa, all glass VOICE FADES
Four bricks I need seven out of you, mate.
Let's all push our limits, eh? Wayne, it ain't going to go you just staring at it.
Your spanner ain't turning, you're not earning, my son.
That's it.
Teamwork, everyone.
Let's be there for each other and work as a team.
You've gone too early on this.
It's fine, mate, it's sweet as.
Got your planning permission? As good as.
We've got an in with Jill Corn from the council so it'll all be tickety-boo there.
What, Corncob? You want to watch her cos she can swivel.
It is going to be very big, yes.
Two floors.
Two floors?! You didn't tell me about this.
Well, no-one knew apart from those working on the project.
That was confidential information.
It's like a big glass box.
Again, another surprise ruined.
More working, mate, less talking, son.
Glass?! It's going to be boiling in there.
What you doing, growing tomatoes? Dad, it's very of now.
It's self-cleaning glass from Belgium.
What about the neighbours? You spoke to them? One objection and you won't get your planning through.
Someone like Stuart, he thinks you're a right mug.
No, he doesn't, he really likes me.
He thinks you're a complete plum.
What about the other two, the pencilnecks? Robin and Anne? They're fine, they're fine, mate.
You really trust 'em, boy? That is what tonight's all about.
I'm getting all the big movers and shakers from the crescent round to mine.
We've having a little bit of dinner then I'm making the big announcement, taking questions from the floor.
This is my big schmooze.
Yeah.
I'm supposed to be coming round to watch the boxing - remember that? Still having the boxing, don't worry yourself, mate.
Still very much looking forward to the boxing.
Yeah, you've got it all worked out, haven't you? I tell you what, I can't wait to see this, it's going to be a complete shambles.
Shambles? No, mate.
Thisis going to be the centrepiece that Butterchurn Crescent deserves.
This is who we are.
This is what we do.
We're the Kings.
We stay.
We evolve.
We prosper.
King fire! King fire! That is a ridiculous amount of alcohol for one sitting.
It's actually for the pop-up boutique cocktail bar we're putting on for this evening, yeah.
It's mine and Mad Kay's new business adventure, Bartini.
And are you getting any food at all? Yeah, course, yeah.
I'll get an array of Kettle chips and some flavoured popcorn.
But for dinner we're getting a Deliveroo for everyone.
Everyone? It is very 2000-and-now, Denise.
Very US of A.
Honestly, it's the future.
It's like real-life food, like, restaurant-standard food delivered straight to your door.
It's a marvel.
I don't think you can rely on a takeout, that's all.
It's fine, we did a run-through earlier this week.
Ran like clockwork, so, you know.
But what you're having here, Terri, is a soiree.
Isn't it? It's a soiree.
Yeah, yeah, it's a dinner party.
Yeah, Denise.
Well, it's all about the prep for a soiree so you can concentrate on your hosting, Terri.
You have your precooked jacket potatoes, warm them through when guests arrive, quite a mild chilly, just a little bit of spice, big vat of Uncle Ben's and then I mean really push the boat out.
Can I do my big salmon? No.
I don't need your big salmon, OK? These are new frontiers, new times, OK, we've got Deliveroo for the munch and Mad Kay's doing the cocktails.
OK.
Yeah, OK.
Right.
Oh, well.
Sorry, what'd you say? Nothing.
Felt like you said something under your breath then.
No, no.
You do that a lot, by the way, under your breath.
Can I have me lemons, please? Thank you.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
DOORBELL RINGS How we doing, eh, Gal? Honestly, what we like? I says to Crabbie in the car on the way over here, I says, whose idea was it to give me and Terri a cocktail business? I mean, we'll end up drinking everything, won't we? Because we love getting smashed! I mean, the business is bound to fail! SHE LAUGHS So is Crabbie hanging about or is he just going to go home? Gary.
Here, we was just saying in the car on the way over, whose idea was it for them two lushes to have their own cocktail business? Yeah, Kay was saying exactly the same thing, actually.
It's bound to fail, mate, innit? Can't see it working, can you? Not in a million years.
Place looking nice.
Really proud of you! Thanks, man, thank you.
Who'd have thought it? One of us getting an extension.
Well, actually, that's top secret information so if you're going to hang about Blinding, mate.
Shall I get the Technics set up? No, no.
No to Technics cos, um .
.
this isn't going to be that sort of party.
Oh, well, we'll only end up getting them out later when it goes west! Come down from there! Come down, mate, seriously.
So, guys, listen to me, this can't go west.
It's a very civilised affair.
What did you invite us two for, then, eh? THEY LAUGH So where am I building this bar, then? Building it? How big's it going to be, then? Six by eight with the canopy.
I don't think you need a canopy.
No, we need a canopy.
It's got the Bartini sign on it.
I don't think I'll be able to get it through the door.
No, it's not going to get through the door.
I can dismantle it, rebuild it in here.
That's a good idea, babe.
No, no, no, that's a lot of work! The guests are arriving soon! I can't have banging and building in here.
I need a nervous poo.
Up top.
Babe, why has Crabbie just rocked up with his Technics and a massive great big bar? What is this he's building? He's so sweet like that.
Do you know he designed that himself? All for the new Bartini business.
Mmm.
Yeah.
About it, I was thinking whether tonight's the right night to launch Bartini or whether we just wait for another.
I just don't want anyone thinking that this is a house party.
What do you mean? We do what we do when it's a King's do.
Whoa for a second! That is your going-out face what you've got on there.
Seriously? Babe, I thought we said we were going to go for a more conservative look for the big schmooze? Did we now? I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
Yeah, it did, Gary, yeah.
I thought you were supporting me in me new business.
Babe, babe, babe.
I support all of your new business escapades, every single last one of them but, just on second thoughts, I'm not sure if this is the right place for people like Kay.
People like Kay? Whoa, you're getting wrapped around snobbery, Gal.
We ARE people like Kay.
And Crabbie?! Crabbie is one of your oldest pals.
One of Teddy's seven godfathers.
But him being here, babe, is giving me the narrows a little, you know? I can't have no bedlam here, not this evening.
He is doing the bar, all right? At least he's trying to support us.
Teddy's away at the caravan with fat Auntie Sandra, we've got the night off.
Living la vida.
Go and have a little livener or something.
Nah No, no, no, no, no.
Thou shall not have a drink until after my big announcement.
Ha.
Don't be such a Trevor.
Pardon? Don't be such a Trevor.
Wow.
Yeah.
I'm certainly not a Trevor.
I might be a lot of things in life but I ain't no Trevor.
You are.
I'm not.
All right, Trev? How's it going, Trev? No, no, no, I'm the least Trevorist person what you know in the whole world.
Tell your face, Trev.
How dare you, in my own bedroom, call me a Trevor.
Do you know what? I ain't having this row right now, Gal, OK? You stick to your extension stuff and I'll do what I do best, yeah? Host.
Excuse me, Trevor.
Don't Trevor me off.
OK.
I'm not Trevor.
You're Gary King.
What does Gary King do? He schmoozes.
You got this.
MUSIC: Return Of The Mack by Mark Morrison Ohhh, ohhh I'm on Oh, yeah-eh Well, I tried to tell you so But I guess you didn't know Robin.
Anne.
May I say how humbled I am to have you both at my house? You both look stunning.
I mean, look at the glow on your skin.
Well Cancun was everything we dreamed it would be.
Can you imagine us two there? You know, spring break! Oh, thank you so much, Gary, for putting up our new shed whilst we were away.
Yeah, so kind.
Such a wonderful thing to come back to.
For me, that's what neighbourship is all about, supporting each other's dreams and our ambitions and I, um A twinkle, anyone? Wow, thank you.
There you go, my darling.
You get that right down your Gregory.
Oh, it's quite strong.
You can't have a cocktail too strong.
That is our philosophy here at Bartini.
Kay is doing a boutique cocktail bar which is So cheers to me.
Cheers.
Thank you.
And, Kay, this is Robin and Anne Tucket, two incredible human beings what live down the road.
Tucket? SHE LAUGHS Crabbie, mate, don't double beer there.
Double? I got three, mate.
One in the holster! HE LAUGHS So Crabbie is Kay's better half.
So why don't you keep your grubby little mittens off him, Anne? SHE LAUGHS, THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY So HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY .
.
Cancun.
Did you get out and about much? See the sights? I brought my drone so, yeah, got a lot of hours of footage with that.
We kind of stayed in the hotel most of the time.
SHE LAUGHS Look at his shoes, Gal.
Ooh, they are something else! Box fresh, Gal! SHE LAUGHS Oi, donkey, got that food ordered yet? Got the golfing lot with me.
You know Mick, don't you? Big Ears and Intelligent Phil.
Yeah, sorry, guys, this is Crescent folk only - no gate-crashers, Dad, so get rid.
I don't care about that old guff, we've come to watch the boxing, haven't we? Dad, there will be no boxing till everyone has left.
You're hard.
Look, the boy's being a fanny.
No boxing till later on.
Come on.
Oh, Gal, you're running low on space here.
You might want to get a loft extension.
Oh! SHE LAUGHS Oh, and I've got Gary and the golf lot's order.
They want a mixture of Chinese and Indian.
And Intelligent Phil wants a veggie burger.
Course he does.
OK, I'll just Sorry, Anne, what was the flavour of pizza you ordered before you changed your order? Was it a meat feast? It was a meaty one.
A chicken supreme, I think.
Chicken supreme, OK.
You want to change that to the fish and chips, is that correct? I'd actually like a Thai but I can't have anything too hot.
It's bad for my Crohn's.
Oh, sorry about that, that's a shame.
How about a pad Thai? You've had that before.
Yeah, a pad Thai but with the nuts on the side.
You want the nuts on the? That's right, separate from the rest of the food, please.
Yeah, I'll do me best.
So it's a pat Thai? BOTH: Pad Thai.
That's right.
You spell it P-A-D.
Pad.
Thai.
Thai.
And it's from a? Thai.
Thai.
Thai.
Yeah.
Great.
Clue's in the name.
I'll pop that Yeah, pad Thai.
This is all very complicated, isn't it? No, no, it's fine.
It's perfect, actually, in fact, so, you know.
Oh.
Oh, no, where's that gone? Oh, no, what's happened? Nothing, just Just disappeared, the whole order.
I'm sure I'll get that back up.
You gotta go round everyone again, have you? Nah, nah, it's fine, actually, cos my memory's, like, top-notch, like an elephant.
Don't forget a thing, do you know what I mean? So justyeah.
Little touch.
I'll just remember.
Yours, yours.
Yeha, got it all down so it's fine, it'sit's Awesome, in fact.
Sorry, guys, could I have a little bit of space? I just feel a bit urgh.
I'll put some more dips out.
Yes, hey, hey, Stuart, Meg, how you doing? Hello, mate, you all right? Come here, mate.
Bring it in.
You well, brother? You good? Yeah.
You smell lovely, mate.
What's that, a drop of citrus? Uh, yeah, it's just deodorant.
Hey.
Thank you for having us over, Gary, it's very gracious of you.
Yes.
Makes a change to be at yours rather than you hovering around at ours.
HE LAUGHS Good one, good one.
So would you like your welcome drink now or do you want me to give you the tour of my gaff? Erno, I think I can imagine what the rest of it looks like.
Again, mate.
You done me again there.
How do you live with him? Absolute Oh, mate, I can see you're on form today.
Evening, Stuart.
Hello.
Hey.
Robin Tucket, from round the crescent there? What are you drinking? It's a porn star martini.
Yeah, Gary's got a full cocktail bar in the garden.
You can have anything.
Would you like a drink, baby love? Yes, just a craft ale, please.
Thank you, honey.
Get whatever you want.
The bar is yours.
That's, uh, a lot of kissing.
That's a bit much, innit? It's a European thing, isn't it? She's German.
Yeah, I mean .
.
you can't just run around town dishing out kisses to everybody, can you? She's not just dishing out kisses to everyone, it's just how she greets people.
I'm already leathered, Gal.
Properly plastered.
UmStuart, meet Sammy Crab.
Crabbie, Sam Crab, meet Stuart.
Um Keep this on the DL.
But you two need to get yourself in that back garden.
There's some foreign sort out there handing out kisses.
That's actually my wife.
And, um, Stuart here was just saying, actually, it's a very normal custom.
She'll be out there now in the garden kissing everybody.
Won't she, Stuart? When she's introduced to someone she will kiss them, yes.
Yeah.
So it's just normal, mate.
Yeah.
HE BLOWS MUSICAL NOTES HE LAUGHS No upstairs, fella.
No.
It's not that sort of party.
Great friends you got, Gary.
I'm going to go out and protect my wife.
Yeah, uh, Stu, um, get whatever you want.
What's happening with the food? Everyone's starving! So hungry! This is a shambles.
It's not a shambles, Dad, please, just relax.
Can we at least watch the boxing with the sound turned down? There's some good fights on the undercard.
Mate, no.
Seriously, no boxing.
No boxing.
Go and get yourself another drink.
Oh, blimey.
Mate, that is the dog's.
Telling you now, that tastes expensive and overseas.
It's going to explode all over their faces.
Seems like a lot of people are getting a little hungry.
How long is this food going to be? Er Chef says it's preparing it now, so Just now? This soiree is going to rack and ruin.
That's a bit strong.
Why don't you have a lovely little cocktail? I will.
Thank you.
But just so you know, I have my big salmon prepped and ready in case of an emergency such as this catastrophe.
We don't need your big salmon.
All right? People are starving.
Just let me get my big salmon out.
Look, I hate to break it you but no-one likes your big salmon.
How dare you.
Now, please, stop interfering.
Just trying to help.
That's all.
I'm not an interferer.
Babe, babe.
I need an executive chat now.
Back garden at once, please.
Do you need me in on this? No, Mother, dearest.
I will take two of these, in fact.
Thank you.
Very moreish.
Mm.
I thought you said that you'd test-driven this whole catering thing.
I did, I swear, with Teddy and his three judo mates.
Four kids?! There's 35 covers in there, baby girl.
I know.
35! I know, I know.
It was a little bit more than I was expecting, if I'm honest.
I'm really sorry, babe.
I feel like I've totally messed up.
People are going to start leaving in droves soon, babe.
They're going to want to eat at home.
My dream of glass is rapidly turning into sand.
Oh, no.
Oh, my ticker.
I'm having my palpitations, babe.
Oh Look at my blinking, babe, just get a look at the blinking.
Look at me, look at me.
Calm, all right? OK, listen, listen.
I'm thinking on me trotters here but I think the only thing for it is we throw more alcohol at the situation.
People always stay for booze.
No Not like that.
I'm not doing it like that.
I'm going to do my speech.
I'm going to do it now.
What is a street? Is it the houses? Is it the gardens? Is it the driveways? Is it the dustbins? The bins?! No! It is the people that make a street and a crescent.
That is That's .
.
what makes .
.
where we live what it is.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, that'll be the food.
CHEERING Gary.
I was just passing, mate.
You all right? Yeah, it's not a great time, if I'm honest with you, John, mate.
What you having, a bit of a bash? Right random one, I heard.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's NOT a random one.
Crabbie's here.
He text me, told me there's some German sort knocking about dishing out kisses.
Crabbie had no right in disclosing that kind of information.
She's actually one of my guest's wives and it's very, very normal in their culture.
Why didn't you invite me, Gal? I mean, what have I done, mate? It's nothing personal.
PHONE RINGS That stuff on the Facebook, it weren't me.
It's fake news, mate.
Shh! Yep, speaking.
Great.
Yeah, no, I have Deliveroo'd.
Safir, where are ya? OK, mate, I can work with that.
You're not outside me house, mate.
I'm outside my house as I speak.
No, no, no, listen, what is in your sight of vision right now? The school? I don't live near no school, mate.
No, no, no, I'm positive.
I live on the road.
There's no school There's no school here, mate.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
You stay where you are.
Remain in radio contact.
Safir, I am going mobile.
I repeat - I am going mo-bile.
OK, listen, right, a white van has just gone past me.
So you need to go from the opposite direction from the white van.
Can you see a white van? I can see you on the map app.
You're nowhere near me, mate! You come to me, mate.
That's your job.
You bring the food to me.
What are you doing at the flats, mate? She's given you the wrong postcode, mate.
Wait there.
Hold fire.
I'm coming for you, baby.
Safir! Safir! ECHOING: Safir? ECHOING: Safir.
ECHOING: Safir.
HORN BEEPS Excuse me, bruv.
Bruv, Butterchurn Crescent? Please tell me you're Safir.
Mr King? Gary? Listen, bruv, why are your directions so complicated, man? I've been running about town looking for a bike.
What, with all this? Bruv, have you seen this food, bruv? Listen, I had to borrow my brother's car.
You might have to tip.
You are not getting a tip! You're an hour and a half late! Bruv, I went to seven different restaurants, you know.
Yeah? Never had to order this amount.
Lookit could be OK.
We can still save the schmooze.
LIVELY CHATTER Thanks for giving me a hand, Safir, mate.
That's very kind of you.
Are you kidding? You're joking.
INDISTINCT CHATTER It is live in here, bruv! You concentrate on the job in hand, mate, you concentrate on this food.
Get out the way, mate.
John? John? Where you been? Everyone's starving.
You're not even meant to be here! Food's here, chaps! CHEERING All right, Gary, mate? What are you doing here? He text me.
Hi, Gary.
I expect more out of you.
So happy to be here, man.
Where's the burrito? Not the schmooze.
Not the schmooze.
What you doing? GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS BOTH: Have it! Have it! You're my heart, you're my soul, can you make me whole? Round, round, round and catch it! Reel you in.
I surrender.
Boom.
Come on.
You dirty, dirty mutt.
Guys.
Food's here.
Guys.
Dinner's up.
Guys, food is here.
Oh, shut up, Gary.
Bit early for garage music, wouldn't one think? It's never too early for garage, Gal.
Right, Crabbie, mate! Crabbie, old fella, turn that music off there, mate, please.
Please, mate.
No, Crabbie.
Turn it up.
Going to have to put a foot down there, mate.
Crabbie, music off now, at once.
Crabbie! MUSIC STOPS No! No, Crabbie, mate.
No! Everyone - men, as well, with the boxing - there's a reason I've got you here.
SHE MUMBLES Stop being a party pooper.
Mum, not supposed to be a party, so I can't be a party pooper.
OK? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Wake up, Mum.
I am awake.
Brilliant.
Right, everyone, dwellers of the crescent .
.
the reason I have gathered you here tonight is .
.
I'm having an extension built.
Can we have the music back on, please? Just let that sink in for a minute, mate.
Anne, Robin, I'm having an extension built and what I need from all of you is if anyone's got any problem with that, say "aye" now.
Anyone? Miss Watson? You OK with it? Anything for you, Mark.
You're a good girl.
OK, Crabbie, with that, let's celebrate.
A little bit more music.
Yes! MUSIC RESUMES Oh.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
Oi, oi.
What you doing, guzzling all my beer? I-I-I was just grabbing one.
Is that OK? I'm joking.
Mi casasu casa.
Thank you.
Look, I've I don't know What I want to sort of You don't want me to object to your extension.
Yeah, that's what I was going to get to, yeah.
It is fine with me.
I-I-I don't have a problem with ya.
I-I-I never have.
Why don't we just Why don't we just start afresh? No more petty arguments.
All right? How about that? Do you mean that, mate? Yeah.
Do you know what? I do.
This moment shall go do down in Crescent folklore.
Two fine warriors laying down their swords and saying this war is over.
These are times of peace, Stuart Williams.
Bring it in.
Lock up.
Oh, right, yeah.
Have a King hug.
You all right? Yeah.
You give really good hugs.
I know.
I know, mate.
And I know we belong together Only love Ah.
You all right, babe? There she is.
You all right, pancake? The old two-day hangover is an absolute killer, right? Yeah.
Don't think Bartini's going to work, do you? Nah, nah.
Probably not.
Look, babe, um, Jill from the council just belled me and, um .
.
one person from the crescent has objected to the extension.
Now, look, don't jump in at the deep end, all right? She's got a source there so hopefully she's going to wrangle a bit of intel and, I dunno, get some good news.
Don't jump? I'm mid-air already, babe! I'm mid-flight! Cop this.
Gary.
All right, mate? We were just talking about you.
Mate! Ha! Want to look that word up.
What, now? We stood there as men and we hugged in my garage.
Where I keep my lawnmower.
Where my son keeps his toys.
Gary, we had a lovely evening.
You were an exemplary host.
Nah.
No, no, no, no, no.
I know it was you, Stuart.
I know it was you what objected to my extension.
Hold on a second, Gary.
You crushed my dreams.
And I take back all of those nice things I said.
I think you're nasty, I think you're mean, I think you're a weasel, I think you are a schnide, sir.
Face it, pal, you're jealous of me, you're jealous of my extension.
Gal, babe.
Not now, sweetheart.
You dig your trenches, mate, and you dig them deep.
Cos battle lines are drawn again and I'm going to destroy you, Stuart Williams.
Gal.
What, babe? It weren't Stuart what objected.
It was you dad.
That's a bit embarrassing, isn't it, Gary? You wasn't ready for an extension, boy.
Especially not a double-storey glass one.
Well, you know what? Sometimes in life it feels a little bit like you're just lining me up to lose for your own entertainment.
A man does all his learning from losing, not from winning.
Whatever, Dad.
I remember when I got my first big contract at Kings Property Maintenance.
I was buzzing.
Thought I was Charlie Big Potatoes.
I've gone straight down the car lot and bought a brand-new BMW.
Drive it round Grandad's.
He went garrity.
Me spunking all me money? He's dragged me back down the car lot and made me sell it back to 'em.
Point he was making was you never know what's around the corner.
Sometimes it's best to have a little bit tucked away rather than have it all out on show.
Do you know what? He was right.
Year later, recession took hold, business nearly went under.
Three months later you come along.
They were the worst few years of my life.
I wouldn't change any of it.
Everything good in my life grew from that point.
What I'm saying is, life ain't a race, son.
Slow it down a bit, eh? Give you a proper slap, did he, Grandad? Did he ever.
Nearly had me strides down.
They all come out the top of the flats, have a look, laughing at me.
He could have a row, Grandad.
God rest his soul.
Do you want to come in? Get yourself a little whisky? Yeah, come on, then.
I was thinking, now I'm not going to get the extension, what about one of those little golf pads, you know, in Portugal? You can get a villa, all glass VOICE FADES