Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (1994) s01e03 Episode Script
Show 3
1
Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
We just have to face it This time we're through
Knowing me, knowing you. ♪
A-ha!
APPLAUSE
Welcome!
Welcome!
Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing
You, with me, Alan Partridge.
Tonight, I am a rocket.
Prepare to board Sputnik Partridge,
and enter the stratosphere, or,
should I say, the CHATosphere!
Tonight's show is
Tss! ..Hot!
How hot?
Well, imagine Debbie Harry in camiknickers,
spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo to Pan's People,
in a sauna, in Bangkok.
That's half as hot as tonight's show,
because among my guests I've
got the sexiest dance act in Europe,
Hot Pants.
And, for the first time on an
English-speaking chat show,
a jacuzzi!
APPLAUSE It's time now to welcome
my resident house band, Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!
THEY PLAY SIGNATURE TUNE
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glenn Ponder. A-ha. A-ha.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Ferrari! A-ha. A-ha.
Glenn, if this show was a train,
do you know what kind it'd be? No.
The CHATtanooga Choo-choo!
But seriously TRAIN WHISTLE
What was that whistle noise?
Meant to be the train, Alan.
You didn't do that in rehearsal.
Meant to be a surprise.
Surprise me in rehearsal, Glenn. Don't
surprise me on a live television show.
Little bit naughty, that.
Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!
Ooh, this show is hot.
Can really work up a thirst.
My first guest is a singer.
She's 41.
24 years ago,
she was working in a shoe shop in Kansas City.
A man came in and asked for a
pair of size eight green platform shoes.
As she slipped them on him, she sang to herself.
He said, "I won't have these. The bridge
is too low." Those were his actual words.
"They don't fit, but your beautiful
voice fits your face like a slipper.
"I'm going to make you a star."
That man was Neil Sedaka.
He's not doing so well, but she is.
America's biggest sensation, except
Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli.
Please welcome Gina Langland!
Thank you for the music
The songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy I'm bringing
Thank you for the music For giving it to me. ♪
Oh, dear. Got an extra kiss for free, there.
Not that you normally charge.
Now
Now, Gina, you
..you can't stay long, cos you're
due on stage soon at Earl's Court
for the closing night of your tour.
It's been wonderful, Alec. I
had no idea I had so many fans.
Why book Earl's Court? It's massive.
Because it's just a wonderful venue. It is.
They do the Ideal Homes Exhibition.
I, er
I nearly opened it last year
but I was pipped at the post
by Dave Lee Travis again!
Now, Gina, we've got about four
minutes left. Less now, actually.
It would be great if you could stay a bit longer.
I'd love to stay for the
whole show, Alec, but I can't.
We don't actually want you
to stay for the WHOLE show.
We just want you to stay a little bit longer.
We HAVE got other guests.
We've got Hot Pants. Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!
Now, there's a present I
want to give to you, right now.
This is a new regular section of
the show called "Alan's Big Pocket".
I put my hand into my big pocket and I
produce something I think my guest will like.
So will you now please
bring on Alan's Big Pocket!
APPLAUSE
Well, here it is, Alan's Big Pocket.
And as you can see, it's a top jacket pocket.
Let's turn out Alan's Big
Pocket and see what's in it.
It's two Victorian dogs!
APPLAUSE
This one's, er
This is Sherlock Holmes. That's Queen Victoria.
Gina, when I was on the phone
to your manager in Los Angeles,
he mentioned that you collect Victorian dogs.
Voila, courtesy of Alan Partridge.
Victorian dolls.
What? I collect Victorian dolls.
Not Victorian dogs.
Well, what ARE Victorian dogs?
I've no idea.
We thought they'd be something like this.
Listen, take them with you
in the car to Earl's Court.
If you don't like them, just
let them out near the railway.
I can't do that. OK, we'll do it.
Get rid of the dogs. Ladies
and gentlemen, two dogs!
APPLAUSE
Sorry, Alec. Alan. It was a lovely thought.
Do you always do Alec's Big
Pocket? ALAN's Big Pocket.
Do people stop you in the street
and say, "Hey, Alec" Are you deaf?
I'm sorry?
Yes, people do stop me. Do you know what I do?
To save time - you'll like this - I have this.
It's a stamp with my autograph on it. Ah!
Basically, what I do, they
give me a card, like this,
and I simply take the card,
and I stamp my signature on.
See? I give them that. That's
my name. You read that.
Alec Partridge.
Read what it says. Alec Partridge.
No, it says Alan. ALAN Partridge. Why?
Because that's my name!
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry!
It's OK.
You must have thought I was being so rude, Alec!
Alan!
Alan! Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan
Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan.
My name is Alan Partridge.
That's who I am. There.
Alan Partridge. There's no excuse.
It's the wrong way up. Right. There.
Fine.
Can we sing the song now? Yes.
Before Gina goes, I'd like to
ask her one more question.
Gina, do you like Abba? I love Abba.
Would you do a medley with me now?
I couldn't possibly.
Oh, why not, for goodness' sake?
Because Alan
I'm nothing special
In fact, I'm a bit of a bore ♪
No, you're not.
But if I tell a joke, you've
probably heard it before.
I don't believe that. You have.
But I have a talent
A wonderful thing
Cos everyone listens when I start to sing
I'm so grateful and proud
All I want is to sing it out
Lou-ou-ou-ou-ou-oud
Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
If you change your mind
I'm the first in line
Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know
Gonna be around
If you've got no place to go
And you're feeling down
Take a chance on me ♪
That's all I ask, honey!
Take a chance on me
Chiquitita, you and I know
Can you see the stars, Fernando?
The winner takes it all
Mamma mia
Here I go again
I have a dream
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
Voulez-vous
A-ha!
Take it now or leave it A-ha!
Now is all we get
A-ha!
Nothing promised, no regrets
Rub-a-dub-a!
Voulez-vous A-ha!
Ain't no big decision A-ha!
You know what to do A-ha!
I guessed you'll say voulez-vous Rub-a-dub-a!
Voulez-vous
You can dance
You can jive
Having the time of your life
Ooh-ooh-ooh
See that girl
Watch that scene
Digging the Dancing Queen
HIGH: Thank you for the music
The songs you're singing
Thanks for all the joy you're bringing
Who could live without it
I ask in all honesty
What would life be
WITHOUT A SONG OR A DANCE WHAT ARE WE?
SO I SAY
DOWN AN OCTAVE: Thank you for the music
For giving it to me
Waterloo-oo-oo-oo-oo
Knowing me, knowing youuuu
A-haaaaa ♪
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
Aaah. Nice can of Spunt, there.
Now
Schnell! Schnell! Achtung! Sieg heil! Jawohl!
Those are just some of the
comments shouted at my next guest
at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
Why? Because she won gold for Britain
in the 4 x 100m women's hurdles relay.
She doesn't run any more - she's 78.
Please welcome the Linford Christie
of great-grandmothers, Elsie Morgan!
APPLAUSE
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all ♪
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Elsie Morgan. A-ha.
No, you wait till I've said it.
A-ha. A-ha. That's right.
The 1936 Berlin Olympics.
What did it feel like to
run past the finishing line,
knowing you'd just beaten the
German and won gold for Britain?
Thrilling, because we'd stitched
up the Krauts. Lovely. Lovely.
Is it true things were better in the olden days?
Immediately after the war it was marvellous,
because we had completely stitched up the Krauts.
But then, after that,
everything got very much worse,
and there was a lot of immigration
and, inevitably, crime went up.
Right, um There must have
been some positive things.
I'll tell you a story. Please do.
I brought my car in last week and
parked it on one of those meters.
I went into Debenhams and came out very quickly.
There was an awful man
writing me a parking ticket.
I said,
"Is it reasonable to give me a
parking ticket for two minutes?"
After a while he saw sense,
admitted it was a bit silly and let me off.
Good for him. But after I got home, I
thought, "That man let me break the law."
He shouldn't have done that. No.
So I rang his employers
and told them what happened.
Later on they rang me back and I was
delighted to hear they'd dismissed him.
Good riddance!
Particularly as he was black. Er
Right, um
Tell us about sport. They
don't play by our rules.
Right, shut up.
You can't say those things
on TV any more. Why not?
Shut it! ..Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
APPLAUSE
Now, Elsie.
I've got a surprise for you,
because it's time, once again,
to dip into Alan's Big Pocket!
And it's a pocket full of emotion.
Tonight, we reunite Britain's
hurdling golden girls of 1936.
They haven't met for over 50 years.
Sadly, Lindsay Farrow is no
longer with us, but the other two are.
Please come out of my Big Pocket,
Anne Wylie and Georgina Clark!
APPLAUSE
Please, sit down.
Marvellous.
Let's talk about the race. 1936.
In those days, how did
you cope with the pressure?
I used to sing in the
dressing room. Yes! You did!
"We'll Gather Lilacs." Yes. Probably
a forgotten memory now. Oh, no!
We'll gather lilacs
In the spring again
And walk together down an English lane
When you come home once m-o-o-ore
And in the evening in the twilight glow
I'll hold you close and
never let you go-o-o-o ♪
Marvellous. THEY ALL START TO SING No
All right. No. OK. Yeah.
..And walk together ♪
Marvellous! Give them a round of applause!
Marvellous! Lovely! Lovely! Great!
That was That was lovely.
Well, at this stage of the show,
some of my viewers may be thinking,
"Alan! You're a liar!"
You said this would be hot and
you're chatting to senior citizens.
But,
if I said I'll jump into a Tardis,
go back in time and recreate the
Berlin Olympics with the old women,
you'd say, "That IS hot. We were wrong."
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
Ladies, will you now please join me in
my 1-6 scale Berlin Olympic Stadium?
BAND PLAYS: "Deutschland Uber Alles"
You join us live at the Berlin
Olympics on Grandstand in 1936,
on this pleasant summer's
morning, in Nazi Germany.
Everyone's here. Hitler's in a box.
Jesse Owens just waved
at him. He doesn't like that.
And we wait for the
race to start. I'll fire a gun.
It's loud. Don't let it worry you.
On your marks, get set
She's off!
It's Anne Wylie, fast as a bullet from a Luger.
The first hurdle. She's cleared it!
She's clear, landing like a tom cat!
Off again,
and hands the baton to Lindsay
Farrow, sadly no longer with us.
She's represented by a cardboard cutout.
It's a clean pass.
Let's see what you're made of, Georgie girl!
Kick that, love.
Oh, dear! The hurdle has fallen!
It's down to Elsie! Can she do it?
And she has! She's won the gold! CHEERING
Ladies and gentlemen, the hurdlers of '36!
APPLAUSE
I have an announcement to make.
Last week, I had naked
sex with the Home Secretary,
and I want to sell my story.
Of course I haven't!
But if I had, who would I go to?
I'd go to my next guest,
because he is a high-profile
agent and publicist for celebrities
and, for want of a better word, harlots.
Please welcome the man Virginia
Bottomley called "that little turd",
Lawrence Knowles!
Money, money, money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
It's a rich man's world. ♪
Lawrence.
You are the man they love to hate.
I prefer to think I'm the man they hate to love.
But you're not.
You're not. You are the man they love to hate.
Well, that's very amusing, Alan, and
some of your audience found it amusing, too.
But
..there is a positive side to what I do.
I often help various celebrities - for example,
a celebrity who comes to me and says,
"Lawrence, I am a practising homosexual,
"and I want to keep this
delicate matter private."
Very wise. LAUGHTER
I would then ensure that this homosexual VIP
was seen in a heterosexual context. Such as?
A pub.
A fast car. A football match. Right.
You don't mean George Best?
LAUGHTER
No, George is as straight as the passes
he used to make to Bobby Charlton.
Who, by the way, is also not a homosexual.
Right.
But what if someone comes and says,
"Lawrence, I"
- how can I put it - "I play for both sides."
"I play for
"..Manchester United and Manchester City."
"I'm Denis Law."
I don't understand.
I'm bisexual. YOU are? No, Denis Law.
No, not Denis Law! No, God! No!
Sorry, Denis.
If you're watching, let's
go for a drink some time.
As friends.
Actually, no. Let's call it off.
I'll just go home to my wife.
I must say,
I'm looking forward to seeing Hot Pants later.
Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!
Now, very recently you have been
involved in a massive royal scandal
in which you've obtained
photographs of the royal family
taken from hidden cameras, and
you've published these in a book?
This book is in no way scandalous or salacious.
The book, Her Majesty's Pleasure,
is being published purely in the public interest.
You say that, but this is outrageous.
To print a picture of the
queen flossing her teeth!
Believe me, Alan, I obtained some
photos that were frankly unpublishable.
And are they in the book? Yes they are.
OK. We've sat, we've listened to
you present yourself with eloquence,
as a defender of the public interest.
But ladies and gentlemen,
Lawrence has unwittingly stumbled
into a new section of my show -
called "Eat Your Own Medicine".
Lawrence,
for four weeks you've been
under surveillance by our snoopers.
This is what we discovered. Show the clip.
'This is a disabled parking space.
'Who's this parking in it?
'It's a big Jaguar containing
able-bodied Lawrence Knowles.
'Quite a nice car, that.
'There. You get out of the car, look round,
'little pick of the nose
'It's a good 'un! Pop it in the mouth.'
'Here you are again, emerging from
an anonymous-looking black door.
'Another treat for Lawrence Knowles.
'You certainly keep your nose clean!
'What's going on behind the door? I'll tell you.'
Dermatology. Come on, Alan,
this is pathetic. Ludicrous. Is it?
Is it as ludicrous as a
man with such a hairy back
that he visits a dermatologist to have
his unsightly, innumerable hairs removed?
Bring on my Big Pocket now!
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, it requires
30 feet of industrial waxing tape
to depilate Lawrence's back.
But don't take my word for it.
Let's hear it from the back-waxer's mouth.
Please come out, Lawrence
Knowles's dermatologist, Clive Sealey!
APPLAUSE
Clive!
Clive, just how hairy
is Lawrence's back? It's VERY hairy, Alan.
This is the amount of hair
on an averagely-haired back,
and this
This is from the last session with Lawrence.
It's enough to cover 12 small children.
Now, the Knowles back
is surely his Achilles heel.
How deep are the scars?
During the sessions, he's told
me names he was called at school.
What are they?
Um Wolfman
..Monkey Boy, Godzilla, King Kong
Human Carpet? Yes. Yes.
Gus the Gorilla In the office,
we had a bit of fun and came up
with a list of potential nicknames.
Quickly -
Kiwi Fruit,
Moth Banquet - quite an interesting one -
Furball XL5
..Billy Furry - Billy Fury with a
new pronunciation, that's mine
Brian Furry, that's another
one of mine, Brian Ferry,
and, of course, Hairy Krishna.
Marvellous.
Lawrence? You'll be hearing from my solicitor.
Ooh - bit prickly. Or should I say hairy?!
Lawrence Knowles and Clive Sealey.
APPLAUSE
Hi!
Hi! I'm in Alan's Big Pocket. Why?
I'm getting undressed.
I'm doing it because Hot Pants are about to raise
the roof off TV Centre with their lovely legs.
Then they'll join me in the jacuzzi.
Glenn, have you seen them? No,
but I'm looking forward to it! Tss!
Glenn, that is my noise! Get your own sound!
Move the pocket!
Yes, I am in a jacuzzi, sipping Spunt!
It's almost as if I'm in an advert.
But of course, I'm not. I'm not in an advert.
It remains for me to thank my guests
and welcome on the four
gorgeous figures that fill
Tss! ..Hot Pants!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
They're men! They're men!
On that bombshell, good night! A-ha!
Spunt! Spunt!
---oOo---
Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
We just have to face it This time we're through
Knowing me, knowing you. ♪
A-ha!
APPLAUSE
Welcome!
Welcome!
Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing
You, with me, Alan Partridge.
Tonight, I am a rocket.
Prepare to board Sputnik Partridge,
and enter the stratosphere, or,
should I say, the CHATosphere!
Tonight's show is
Tss! ..Hot!
How hot?
Well, imagine Debbie Harry in camiknickers,
spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo to Pan's People,
in a sauna, in Bangkok.
That's half as hot as tonight's show,
because among my guests I've
got the sexiest dance act in Europe,
Hot Pants.
And, for the first time on an
English-speaking chat show,
a jacuzzi!
APPLAUSE It's time now to welcome
my resident house band, Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!
THEY PLAY SIGNATURE TUNE
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glenn Ponder. A-ha. A-ha.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Ferrari! A-ha. A-ha.
Glenn, if this show was a train,
do you know what kind it'd be? No.
The CHATtanooga Choo-choo!
But seriously TRAIN WHISTLE
What was that whistle noise?
Meant to be the train, Alan.
You didn't do that in rehearsal.
Meant to be a surprise.
Surprise me in rehearsal, Glenn. Don't
surprise me on a live television show.
Little bit naughty, that.
Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!
Ooh, this show is hot.
Can really work up a thirst.
My first guest is a singer.
She's 41.
24 years ago,
she was working in a shoe shop in Kansas City.
A man came in and asked for a
pair of size eight green platform shoes.
As she slipped them on him, she sang to herself.
He said, "I won't have these. The bridge
is too low." Those were his actual words.
"They don't fit, but your beautiful
voice fits your face like a slipper.
"I'm going to make you a star."
That man was Neil Sedaka.
He's not doing so well, but she is.
America's biggest sensation, except
Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli.
Please welcome Gina Langland!
Thank you for the music
The songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy I'm bringing
Thank you for the music For giving it to me. ♪
Oh, dear. Got an extra kiss for free, there.
Not that you normally charge.
Now
Now, Gina, you
..you can't stay long, cos you're
due on stage soon at Earl's Court
for the closing night of your tour.
It's been wonderful, Alec. I
had no idea I had so many fans.
Why book Earl's Court? It's massive.
Because it's just a wonderful venue. It is.
They do the Ideal Homes Exhibition.
I, er
I nearly opened it last year
but I was pipped at the post
by Dave Lee Travis again!
Now, Gina, we've got about four
minutes left. Less now, actually.
It would be great if you could stay a bit longer.
I'd love to stay for the
whole show, Alec, but I can't.
We don't actually want you
to stay for the WHOLE show.
We just want you to stay a little bit longer.
We HAVE got other guests.
We've got Hot Pants. Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!
Now, there's a present I
want to give to you, right now.
This is a new regular section of
the show called "Alan's Big Pocket".
I put my hand into my big pocket and I
produce something I think my guest will like.
So will you now please
bring on Alan's Big Pocket!
APPLAUSE
Well, here it is, Alan's Big Pocket.
And as you can see, it's a top jacket pocket.
Let's turn out Alan's Big
Pocket and see what's in it.
It's two Victorian dogs!
APPLAUSE
This one's, er
This is Sherlock Holmes. That's Queen Victoria.
Gina, when I was on the phone
to your manager in Los Angeles,
he mentioned that you collect Victorian dogs.
Voila, courtesy of Alan Partridge.
Victorian dolls.
What? I collect Victorian dolls.
Not Victorian dogs.
Well, what ARE Victorian dogs?
I've no idea.
We thought they'd be something like this.
Listen, take them with you
in the car to Earl's Court.
If you don't like them, just
let them out near the railway.
I can't do that. OK, we'll do it.
Get rid of the dogs. Ladies
and gentlemen, two dogs!
APPLAUSE
Sorry, Alec. Alan. It was a lovely thought.
Do you always do Alec's Big
Pocket? ALAN's Big Pocket.
Do people stop you in the street
and say, "Hey, Alec" Are you deaf?
I'm sorry?
Yes, people do stop me. Do you know what I do?
To save time - you'll like this - I have this.
It's a stamp with my autograph on it. Ah!
Basically, what I do, they
give me a card, like this,
and I simply take the card,
and I stamp my signature on.
See? I give them that. That's
my name. You read that.
Alec Partridge.
Read what it says. Alec Partridge.
No, it says Alan. ALAN Partridge. Why?
Because that's my name!
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry!
It's OK.
You must have thought I was being so rude, Alec!
Alan!
Alan! Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan
Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan.
My name is Alan Partridge.
That's who I am. There.
Alan Partridge. There's no excuse.
It's the wrong way up. Right. There.
Fine.
Can we sing the song now? Yes.
Before Gina goes, I'd like to
ask her one more question.
Gina, do you like Abba? I love Abba.
Would you do a medley with me now?
I couldn't possibly.
Oh, why not, for goodness' sake?
Because Alan
I'm nothing special
In fact, I'm a bit of a bore ♪
No, you're not.
But if I tell a joke, you've
probably heard it before.
I don't believe that. You have.
But I have a talent
A wonderful thing
Cos everyone listens when I start to sing
I'm so grateful and proud
All I want is to sing it out
Lou-ou-ou-ou-ou-oud
Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
If you change your mind
I'm the first in line
Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know
Gonna be around
If you've got no place to go
And you're feeling down
Take a chance on me ♪
That's all I ask, honey!
Take a chance on me
Chiquitita, you and I know
Can you see the stars, Fernando?
The winner takes it all
Mamma mia
Here I go again
I have a dream
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
Voulez-vous
A-ha!
Take it now or leave it A-ha!
Now is all we get
A-ha!
Nothing promised, no regrets
Rub-a-dub-a!
Voulez-vous A-ha!
Ain't no big decision A-ha!
You know what to do A-ha!
I guessed you'll say voulez-vous Rub-a-dub-a!
Voulez-vous
You can dance
You can jive
Having the time of your life
Ooh-ooh-ooh
See that girl
Watch that scene
Digging the Dancing Queen
HIGH: Thank you for the music
The songs you're singing
Thanks for all the joy you're bringing
Who could live without it
I ask in all honesty
What would life be
WITHOUT A SONG OR A DANCE WHAT ARE WE?
SO I SAY
DOWN AN OCTAVE: Thank you for the music
For giving it to me
Waterloo-oo-oo-oo-oo
Knowing me, knowing youuuu
A-haaaaa ♪
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
Aaah. Nice can of Spunt, there.
Now
Schnell! Schnell! Achtung! Sieg heil! Jawohl!
Those are just some of the
comments shouted at my next guest
at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
Why? Because she won gold for Britain
in the 4 x 100m women's hurdles relay.
She doesn't run any more - she's 78.
Please welcome the Linford Christie
of great-grandmothers, Elsie Morgan!
APPLAUSE
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all ♪
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Elsie Morgan. A-ha.
No, you wait till I've said it.
A-ha. A-ha. That's right.
The 1936 Berlin Olympics.
What did it feel like to
run past the finishing line,
knowing you'd just beaten the
German and won gold for Britain?
Thrilling, because we'd stitched
up the Krauts. Lovely. Lovely.
Is it true things were better in the olden days?
Immediately after the war it was marvellous,
because we had completely stitched up the Krauts.
But then, after that,
everything got very much worse,
and there was a lot of immigration
and, inevitably, crime went up.
Right, um There must have
been some positive things.
I'll tell you a story. Please do.
I brought my car in last week and
parked it on one of those meters.
I went into Debenhams and came out very quickly.
There was an awful man
writing me a parking ticket.
I said,
"Is it reasonable to give me a
parking ticket for two minutes?"
After a while he saw sense,
admitted it was a bit silly and let me off.
Good for him. But after I got home, I
thought, "That man let me break the law."
He shouldn't have done that. No.
So I rang his employers
and told them what happened.
Later on they rang me back and I was
delighted to hear they'd dismissed him.
Good riddance!
Particularly as he was black. Er
Right, um
Tell us about sport. They
don't play by our rules.
Right, shut up.
You can't say those things
on TV any more. Why not?
Shut it! ..Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
APPLAUSE
Now, Elsie.
I've got a surprise for you,
because it's time, once again,
to dip into Alan's Big Pocket!
And it's a pocket full of emotion.
Tonight, we reunite Britain's
hurdling golden girls of 1936.
They haven't met for over 50 years.
Sadly, Lindsay Farrow is no
longer with us, but the other two are.
Please come out of my Big Pocket,
Anne Wylie and Georgina Clark!
APPLAUSE
Please, sit down.
Marvellous.
Let's talk about the race. 1936.
In those days, how did
you cope with the pressure?
I used to sing in the
dressing room. Yes! You did!
"We'll Gather Lilacs." Yes. Probably
a forgotten memory now. Oh, no!
We'll gather lilacs
In the spring again
And walk together down an English lane
When you come home once m-o-o-ore
And in the evening in the twilight glow
I'll hold you close and
never let you go-o-o-o ♪
Marvellous. THEY ALL START TO SING No
All right. No. OK. Yeah.
..And walk together ♪
Marvellous! Give them a round of applause!
Marvellous! Lovely! Lovely! Great!
That was That was lovely.
Well, at this stage of the show,
some of my viewers may be thinking,
"Alan! You're a liar!"
You said this would be hot and
you're chatting to senior citizens.
But,
if I said I'll jump into a Tardis,
go back in time and recreate the
Berlin Olympics with the old women,
you'd say, "That IS hot. We were wrong."
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
Ladies, will you now please join me in
my 1-6 scale Berlin Olympic Stadium?
BAND PLAYS: "Deutschland Uber Alles"
You join us live at the Berlin
Olympics on Grandstand in 1936,
on this pleasant summer's
morning, in Nazi Germany.
Everyone's here. Hitler's in a box.
Jesse Owens just waved
at him. He doesn't like that.
And we wait for the
race to start. I'll fire a gun.
It's loud. Don't let it worry you.
On your marks, get set
She's off!
It's Anne Wylie, fast as a bullet from a Luger.
The first hurdle. She's cleared it!
She's clear, landing like a tom cat!
Off again,
and hands the baton to Lindsay
Farrow, sadly no longer with us.
She's represented by a cardboard cutout.
It's a clean pass.
Let's see what you're made of, Georgie girl!
Kick that, love.
Oh, dear! The hurdle has fallen!
It's down to Elsie! Can she do it?
And she has! She's won the gold! CHEERING
Ladies and gentlemen, the hurdlers of '36!
APPLAUSE
I have an announcement to make.
Last week, I had naked
sex with the Home Secretary,
and I want to sell my story.
Of course I haven't!
But if I had, who would I go to?
I'd go to my next guest,
because he is a high-profile
agent and publicist for celebrities
and, for want of a better word, harlots.
Please welcome the man Virginia
Bottomley called "that little turd",
Lawrence Knowles!
Money, money, money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
It's a rich man's world. ♪
Lawrence.
You are the man they love to hate.
I prefer to think I'm the man they hate to love.
But you're not.
You're not. You are the man they love to hate.
Well, that's very amusing, Alan, and
some of your audience found it amusing, too.
But
..there is a positive side to what I do.
I often help various celebrities - for example,
a celebrity who comes to me and says,
"Lawrence, I am a practising homosexual,
"and I want to keep this
delicate matter private."
Very wise. LAUGHTER
I would then ensure that this homosexual VIP
was seen in a heterosexual context. Such as?
A pub.
A fast car. A football match. Right.
You don't mean George Best?
LAUGHTER
No, George is as straight as the passes
he used to make to Bobby Charlton.
Who, by the way, is also not a homosexual.
Right.
But what if someone comes and says,
"Lawrence, I"
- how can I put it - "I play for both sides."
"I play for
"..Manchester United and Manchester City."
"I'm Denis Law."
I don't understand.
I'm bisexual. YOU are? No, Denis Law.
No, not Denis Law! No, God! No!
Sorry, Denis.
If you're watching, let's
go for a drink some time.
As friends.
Actually, no. Let's call it off.
I'll just go home to my wife.
I must say,
I'm looking forward to seeing Hot Pants later.
Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!
Now, very recently you have been
involved in a massive royal scandal
in which you've obtained
photographs of the royal family
taken from hidden cameras, and
you've published these in a book?
This book is in no way scandalous or salacious.
The book, Her Majesty's Pleasure,
is being published purely in the public interest.
You say that, but this is outrageous.
To print a picture of the
queen flossing her teeth!
Believe me, Alan, I obtained some
photos that were frankly unpublishable.
And are they in the book? Yes they are.
OK. We've sat, we've listened to
you present yourself with eloquence,
as a defender of the public interest.
But ladies and gentlemen,
Lawrence has unwittingly stumbled
into a new section of my show -
called "Eat Your Own Medicine".
Lawrence,
for four weeks you've been
under surveillance by our snoopers.
This is what we discovered. Show the clip.
'This is a disabled parking space.
'Who's this parking in it?
'It's a big Jaguar containing
able-bodied Lawrence Knowles.
'Quite a nice car, that.
'There. You get out of the car, look round,
'little pick of the nose
'It's a good 'un! Pop it in the mouth.'
'Here you are again, emerging from
an anonymous-looking black door.
'Another treat for Lawrence Knowles.
'You certainly keep your nose clean!
'What's going on behind the door? I'll tell you.'
Dermatology. Come on, Alan,
this is pathetic. Ludicrous. Is it?
Is it as ludicrous as a
man with such a hairy back
that he visits a dermatologist to have
his unsightly, innumerable hairs removed?
Bring on my Big Pocket now!
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, it requires
30 feet of industrial waxing tape
to depilate Lawrence's back.
But don't take my word for it.
Let's hear it from the back-waxer's mouth.
Please come out, Lawrence
Knowles's dermatologist, Clive Sealey!
APPLAUSE
Clive!
Clive, just how hairy
is Lawrence's back? It's VERY hairy, Alan.
This is the amount of hair
on an averagely-haired back,
and this
This is from the last session with Lawrence.
It's enough to cover 12 small children.
Now, the Knowles back
is surely his Achilles heel.
How deep are the scars?
During the sessions, he's told
me names he was called at school.
What are they?
Um Wolfman
..Monkey Boy, Godzilla, King Kong
Human Carpet? Yes. Yes.
Gus the Gorilla In the office,
we had a bit of fun and came up
with a list of potential nicknames.
Quickly -
Kiwi Fruit,
Moth Banquet - quite an interesting one -
Furball XL5
..Billy Furry - Billy Fury with a
new pronunciation, that's mine
Brian Furry, that's another
one of mine, Brian Ferry,
and, of course, Hairy Krishna.
Marvellous.
Lawrence? You'll be hearing from my solicitor.
Ooh - bit prickly. Or should I say hairy?!
Lawrence Knowles and Clive Sealey.
APPLAUSE
Hi!
Hi! I'm in Alan's Big Pocket. Why?
I'm getting undressed.
I'm doing it because Hot Pants are about to raise
the roof off TV Centre with their lovely legs.
Then they'll join me in the jacuzzi.
Glenn, have you seen them? No,
but I'm looking forward to it! Tss!
Glenn, that is my noise! Get your own sound!
Move the pocket!
Yes, I am in a jacuzzi, sipping Spunt!
It's almost as if I'm in an advert.
But of course, I'm not. I'm not in an advert.
It remains for me to thank my guests
and welcome on the four
gorgeous figures that fill
Tss! ..Hot Pants!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
They're men! They're men!
On that bombshell, good night! A-ha!
Spunt! Spunt!
---oOo---