Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (1994) s01e04 Episode Script

Show 4

Paris - city of French people.
Home of Quasimodo,
Louis XIV,
Hercule Poirot and Sacha Distel.
City of lovers, of artists,
of the croissant, the cappuccino.
City of moonlight, of dreams,
of men in coats meeting in brasseries,
and the setting for the fourth show of
Knowing Me Knowing You with Alan Partridge!
Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha,
There is nothing we can do.
Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha,
We just have to face
it, this time we're through.
Knowing me, knowing you! ♪
Savant moi, savant vous! ♪
Bonjour, bienvenue, tout le monde!
Why am I speaking in French?
It's because tonight's show
is live from Paris! WHOOPS
What was once a pipe dream is
now the Channel tunnel - a big pipe.
Tonight, we're building a new
construction, one invulnerable to terrorism.
It's a castle of chat,
a CHAT-eau!
Or, since we're in Paris, a CHAT-isserie!
Please welcome my co-host,
a delightful French madame -
although she doesn't run a whore-house -
but she does have
excellent organisational skills!
France's Sue Lawley - Nina Vanier!
MUSIC: "Nina, Pretty Ballerina"
You won't find these at your
local B & Q. They're
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Nina Vanier, ah-hah. Ah-huh.
I thought you'd say on-hon, but you didn't.
My British friends would want me to say - we
love the tunnel, but don't send us rabid dogs!
We won't as long as you
don't send us any mad cows.
Our cows went mad from being bitten by your dogs.
It's an interesting theory,
if xenophobic. No French.
Xenophobic is an English word.
It means small-minded fear of other nations.
It's time to meet our house band.
They came over on the HoverCat.
Please meet Glenn Glenn
Ponder and Savoir Faire!
Knowing me, knowing you! ♪
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Glenn Ponder, ah-hah. Ah-hah.
Knowing me, Nina Vanier, knowing
you, Glenn Ponder, ah-huh. Uh-huh.
And knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah-hah. Ah-hah.
Knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah-huh. Uh-huh.
Glenn, I was walking in Paris and I
saw a madman throw himself in the river.
Really? Yes, he was IN-SEINE - in the Seine.
Seriously, Glenn, are you looking
forward to the Folies Bergeres tonight?
No, that was last night.
What? Thought you knew. We left a message.
Well, I didn't get one. I was
in my hotel room all night.
I ended up watching "The
Poseidon Adventure" in French.
There was no message. We left one.
Glenn Ponder and Are you sure?
Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire! APPLAUSE
Delia Smith, Keith Floyd,
Fanny Craddock and Mr Kipling
are all famous international chefs.
So is our first MY first guest.
He's the most controversial chef in Paris,
passionate about food but not
the stars who dine in his restaurant.
He poured rice pudding over Bryan
Ferry. And slapped Jeremy Irons.
He's wry, he's spry, he's crisp-n-dry!
Welcome super-chef Philippe Lambert!
MUSIC: "Voulez-Vous"
You certainly smell French!
I mean your aftershave
is very nice. Is it Aramis?
No, Alan, it's cologne.
Good smell. Thank you. What's yours?
Er Slazenger sports.
It's the stick type. I I don't use the
roll-on because it er traps the hairs.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Philippe Lambert, ah-hah!
Now, Philippe, you have very, very kindly
arranged some delicacies here
for us to pick at throughout the show.
I have to say, this is a different world
to the universe of Hula Hoops,
cheesy Wotsits and Monster Munch!
What's your approach to cuisine?
I don't have an approach, I have a reproach.
I am bored by the restaurant industry.
To me, it seems little more than a pig
endlessly regurgitating
and consuming that which eats
..without discrimination
..without taste
..or joy.
I'm not interested in Egon Ronay's.
You know, I sent my Michelin stars back.
You sent them back?
You just peeled the sticker off
the window? No, no, no, no, Alan.
It IS quite hard, but it can be done.
Soak a sponge in soapy, warm
water and hold it against the sticker.
Leave it for half an
hour and it'll just peel off.
Thank you, Alan, I'll remember
that. Warm soapy water. Thank you.
It's got to be warm.
Philippe, the other interesting thing about your
restaurant is that it has no name. That's right.
It is, if you like, an irony
that while it has no name, people refer
to it as The Restaurant With No Name.
Like Clint Eastwood.
I just said, it's like Clint Eastwood.
What is?
In the spaghetti westerns, he was
known as the Man With No Name.
It's an irony Jacques Derrida would
appreciate. Indeed, he regularly
dines and appreciates the irony.
Who's he? Jacques Derrida, the philosopher.
I've never heard of him!
He's the most famous philospher
in the world! I wouldn't say that.
Alan, would you care to name a more
famous one? Yeah. All the the Greek ones.
One who is alive. Who is the
most famous philosopher, Alan?
Peter Ustinov?
Yes, absolutely right. I'd
forgotten about him. Thank you.
I'm lost. Your next question, Confucius(?)
I'm not confused.
OK, here's one. You are known
as the top chef in your field.
You only have one restaurant.
Berni Inn has thousands!
I don't know. Who is Berni Inn?
You've NEVER heard of Berni Inn?!
He's the most famous
steakhouse owner in the world!
Well, I'm sorry, Alan.
Maybe Peter Ustinov and Berni Inn
should open a steakhouse together.
Have a steak and talk philosophy.
They could call it Pete and
Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse.
It's a good idea.
Like that one, Alan?
Yeah. It's quite nice. It's
quite chewy. What is it?
It's beef. What sort of beef?
What what part of the bull? It's a gland.
How how many glands does
LAUGHTER How many of these glands does it have?
Ladies and gentlemen, Philippe Lambert!
Now No, that's me. Sorry.
Now, time for some light relief.
If I said clown time was over, I'd be lying.
It's time now to SEND IN THE CLOWNS!
I'm sure I won't see the TEARS OF A
CLOWN because I'm told they're hilarious.
Welcome Pompidou prix de joie winners
- Cirque des Clowns! Circus of clowns!
No! NO!
No, no.
NO! No, no.
Cirque des Clowns!
Grow up!
Grow up!
Thank you. Cirque des
Cirque des SHH! SHH!
I presume you're in charge. Let me tell you
..there's a security guard called Steve.
I promise you, if you make
another sound when you leave here,
he will hurt you, physically.
Cirque des Clowns BARP!
They are
Sorry, I haven't broken wind! I
haven't broken wind. That's them!
Cirque des Clowns will be doing
a tour of arts centres in Britain.
I'm sure there will be tickets available.
You're a disgrace!
Cirque des Clowns!
What are you DOING THERE?
GET OUT! Why's he still here?!
Can someone remove this clown?!
Where's Steve?
Backstage? No he'll get
him after. He'll get him after.
I'll do it standing up!
I hope my next guest doesn't
I'll do it here!
I hope my next guest doesn't suffer
from vertigo, because she's at the
HEIGHT of her profession! DRUMBEA
She's a top international fashion
designer who hails from Lancashire.
Let me just say, YOU look stupid, not me!
I'll do it on three.
On three.
She's a top fashion designer from Lancashire.
I can't Nina? Yes? Can you get rid of him?
Alors, Toto, il vaut mieux pas.
Il n'est pas tellement experimente
avec quelqu'un de ton niveau. Ah, bon.
Oui, merci.
There he goes APPLAUSE
There he goes, tail between his legs!
I hope my next guest has no vertigo because
she's at the HEIGHT of her profession. DRUMBEA
Sorry, what did you say to him?
It's not necessary to translate.
I want to know. You don't NEED
to know! I command you to tell me!
I said you are out of your depth
with an artiste of his calibre,
and your lack of experience
makes you unable to cope.
Thank you.
I hope my next guest has no vertigo because
she's at the height of her profession. DRUMBEA
You don't need to do it now!
She arrived by train because she
doesn't like flying. She does have vertigo.
She caught the train at Waterloo. Fashion
guru, Yvonne Boyd! From WATERLOO!
BAND PLAYS "Waterloo"
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Yvonne Boyd, ah-hah!
Want me to say ah-ha? Please.
I'm a big fan of your clothes. I
love the outfit you are wearing.
I didn't know you also did pantomime.
What do you mean?
I presume you're Widow Twankey?
No. Are you an Ugly Sister?
These are YVONNE'S clothes.
Sorry, I thought you did panto.
No, I don't do pantomime.
Well, maybe you should.
You've got the clothes and, without
being vulgar, the money is good.
It's worth considering. Peter
Pan, Widow Twankey, Buttons!
Can you talk us through the
thinking behind your outfit?
It's a sort of fin-de-siecle
ghost in the machine.
Is that the distributor cap off
a Ford Mondeo? I've no idea.
Let's see.
Yes, it is. Do you drive a
Ford Mondeo? No. I don't drive.
I don't like cars. Doesn't drive, fly, or do
panto. What DO you do? I design clothes.
That all? Yes. That's interesting.
While you're a master of one trade, I
like to think I'm an ALAN of all trades!
I've got a surprise for you, Yvonne.
This is a new regular section
of the show called Alan's Trades!
I'll demonstrate a trade that I'm an Alan of.
This week's Alan Trade is fashion.
Now, I'm not Giorgio Armani -
I'm Alan Partridge -
but my name has become associated with
a certain look that I'd define as sports casual.
Yvonne, tell me what you think
as we look at a Partridge in Paris!
A. Partridge in Paris - ALAN Partridge in Paris.
The first look is what
you'd wear to drive to Paris -
canary yellow shirt, blue
stay-creased action slacks,
cap, polaroids, tan driving gloves.
It says, "I'm in control of my vehicle!"
Who's this cool customer?
Ice white shoes, socks
with navy double cadet stripe,
shorts, T-shirt with chevron
action flash - L'homme du sport!
Man of sport. The tossed pink sweater that says,
"I'm in Paris and nothing's going to stop me!"
That's the Eiffel Tower.
The classic English gentleman abroad.
It's David Niven, Stewart Granger, Nigel Havers.
The look - imperial leisure!
Offset the look with those four
reliables - hat, cravat, specs,
and, a touch of class, the
Alan Partridge blazer badge!
I'll describe the blazer badge.
In the I'll do it next week.
The place - Champs Elysees.
The man - Alan Partridge.
The look - strolling pastel!
A classic summer suit with
the omission of long trousers.
A Partridge in Paris!
Yvonne, is fashion a necessity
of culture or a cultural necessity?
It appears to be happy hour at Pete
and Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse!
Fashion is a necessity of culture.
Clothes just cover up our nakedness.
Underneath our clothes,
we're all naked. Even Alan.
No, I'm not. LAUGHTER
All we are saying is that under your
clothes, you are naked. No, I'm not.
Now, Yvonne, we're about to see some
clothes from your menswear collection.
Now, the theme of my
collection was sports casual.
Now, bearing in mind that
Pete and Berni's is CLOSED,
what's the theme of your collection?
The futility of mortality. Why do
I bother?! Bring on the models.
The first model is Tor.
Tor's cap and shorts are made of bandages.
His linen jacket has real surgical stitching.
He also has a little truss on,
which is a sort of ironic bum-bag.
Is this man injured? No. The whole
collection is based on images of hospitalisation.
You've had an op, you want
to look good on the ward
..that's what you wear. No.
You wear them on the
street. He's wearing slippers!
The only man I know who wears
slippers outside is called Duggie.
He wanders round Norwich
shopping precinct with a Cornish pasty,
shouting, "Get away, it's a bomb!"
He's insane.
Maybe he's sane and we're all mad.
LAUGHTER Anyway, the next model
..the next one is Newman.
Newman has got a more formal look.
That's beautiful, Yvonne. Thank you.
Here, you see, I've broken up the classic lines
of the suit with a saline drip on an umbrella
..and with a pair of brogues,
one of which is orthopaedic.
Looks like he's been in a car crash!
The final model is Matt. This plays
with ideas of constriction and freedom.
Just as the plaster boots
impede, the bandage kilt liberates.
This corn plaster waistcoat - are
they used? For goodness' sake!
Don't be so ludicrous!
I'm being told I'm ludicrous by Mrs
That's my collection. Yvonne, it's a triumph!
Thank you. Thank you, Nina.
APPLAUSE Sorry, I Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, I've got to ask a couple of questions.
What's round this man's midriff?
It's a blood-bag. What if it bursts?
You mop it up. What with? With the eye-patch.
It's no problem.
I mean, what if your nose
bleeds? What if your arm bursts?
What? What if your arm bursts?
I've heard of a nosebleed, but in my
14 years of professional broadcasting,
including three years as a
hospital radio disc jockey,
I've never had anyone say, "My arm's just burst.
"Could you play a dedication?"
You've just got me on here to
ridicule the clothes. I'll show you!
You with the orthopaedic shoe Newman.
Newman, just walk here and walk back.
That man has no dignity! What IS dignity?!
That THAT is dignity! LAUGHTER
More or less.
No-one will wear these clothes.
They're rubbish!
Ordinary people do not
like them. I like them. So do I.
You're not ordinary. You're French!
What are you two staring at?
You look like the Steptoe wives.
I think you mean the Stepford wives.
I thought you French were good at chatting -
sitting in brasseries, chomping
onions and going oh-hi-hon-hi-hon!
You're just being racist. I'm not.
French people go oh-hi-hon-hi-hon. That's a FACT!
We've come to the end of the show.
I've enjoyed it. I'd like to think
our two nations are closer than
they were at the start of the show.
It simply remains for me to thank
my co-host. It's been a pleasure.
Doing anything interesting tonight?
I'm too exhausted after last night.
Why's that? I went to the Folies Bergeres.
Oh, so did Glenn Ponder. I
was there, too. I was there.
My models were there.
Glenn invited us. The clowns were there.
The CLOWNS?! Yes. Your
security guard, Steve, he was there.
No?! He is good friends with the
clowns. The band were there, too.
The ba? You! Accordion man, were you there?
PHILIPPE: Everyone except you, Alan. GLENN
..why didn't you invite me? I left a message.
I'm going to ask you a question
and I want an honest, truthful answer.
Did you leave a message for me last night?
Thank you. Quite honestly, Alan,
I didn't think they'd let you in.
There was sign saying "No jeans. No
trainers. No sports casual wear!"
Just a joke. Just a joke, huh?
Here's a good joke. There's
this bloke called Glenn Ponder.
He's playing jazz synthesiser in a Norwich wine
bar! In walks Alan, who gives him a big break.
Glenn gets lippy. Glenn gets the sack!
What do you mean? You're sacked!
You are sacked! I'm sacking you!
In fact, it's happened. You are a
sacked man! You've BEEN sacked!
I want you off these premises in ten minutes!
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
SACKING you, Glenn Ponder!
APPLAUSE And on that bombshell,
it's knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Monsieur Testicle, you, pantomime cow
and you, Ms Oh-hi-hon-hi-hon!
Goodnight, arrivederci and AH-HAH!
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