Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (1994) s01e05 Episode Script

Show 5

Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you
We just have to face
it, this time we're through
Knowing me, knowing you. ♪
Welcome to "Knowing Me
Knowing You With Alan Partridge" -
or "The Alan Partridge Show"
as most people like to call it.
It's easier - that's what I call it.
There's so much in tonight's
show that at the end I'll be shattered,
or should I say chattered?! DRUMBEA
Last week I sacked my house
band and their leader, Glenn Ponder.
That's TV. They had to go.
So now please welcome my new
resident house band - The Eagles!
Or rather, don't.
Because Glenn has put a stop to that.
This week he obtained a court
injunction preventing his dismissal.
Please welcome NOT double platinum
album-selling rock stars The Eagles,
but Ipswich-based hotel-lobby wine-bar
band, Glenn Ponder and Lazarus!
Knowing me, knowing you. ♪
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Glenn Ponder. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Lazarus. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
Glenn, if this show was a motor-car,
what kind of motor-car would it be?
I've no idea. Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.
Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.
BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"
See you in court.
My first guest was born
within the sound of Bow Bells.
He is a Cockney man.
30 years ago, he crawled out of the
maggot-ridden cesspit that is the East End
to become Britain's most colourful
boxing and entertainments promoter.
All day he's on the dog and bone - phone.
He's coming down these apples and pears - stairs.
I'm sure we're going to
have a great bowler hat - chat.
Please welcome a very special
antique Edwardian tea-chest - guest.
He was cleared of garotting a
nightclub owner in Leicester Square.
Terry Norton!
So I wanna know
What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
What's the name of the game? ♪
Ah. Nice whistle. Whistle and toot - suit!
Flute. Sorry? Whistle and
flute. Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Terry Norton. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
Now, Terry, you come from
a very humble background.
But now you mix with the great and
the good. A little Cockney whelk
sitting on a plate of oysters.
Do you ever think to yourself, "How did I
get here, on top of this plate of oysters?"
Of course, Alan. It's a combination
of determination, perseverance and
a good head for business.
And, if I may say so,
Wiv a little bit
Wiv a little bit
Wiv a little bit of bloomin' luck. ♪
Is that fair? Yeah, well,
you know, if you like, yeah.
We're the same. Two working-class
boys, no education, no qualifications.
But through sheer determination,
we have made it to the top of the tree.
I must pick you up on a couple of points. I did go
to East Anglia Polytechnic. You know what I mean.
Regarding working class. We did own
our own home and we did holiday in Spain.
I imagine you know Spain quite well,
what with all your all your connections.
I've got a villa out there, cut into the
cliff, overlooking the Med. Just in case.
Just in case what? Just in case
you need to go on holiday. Quickly.
You're leading me down a dark alley.
That's the last place I'd like to be with you!
Why's that?
Why's that?
I just wouldn't. That's all.
Now, Terry, you've promoted
boxing, snooker, bowling - crown
green and tenpin - that didn't work.
Now you're launching a new promotion next month.
Tell us about that. I'm bringing
back the beauty contest.
Times, fashion may change, but people
will always want to look at lovely ladies.
From now back to the Ancient Greeks.
Aristotle Onassis. Exactly.
I mean, whatever the women's libbers may
say, Germaine Greer, Esther Rantzen That lot.
You can't change human nature. You can't.
I used to support women's libbers.
When they said, "Burn your bras".
Whatever they say, next month,
live on Sky TV, it's Miss Great Britain -
and nothing can spoil that feast.
We'll EAT some of that feast later -
Terry has cooked up a
tray of "lady vol-au-vents",
if you will, which I will be
EATING, or compering, later.
Tonight I will be MC for the final heat of
- and it's my home town - Miss Norwich!
Now, Terry -
"Murderer! You killed my son!"
That was what the mother of the garotted
nightclub owner of Leicester Square said to you,
as you were cleared of
the murder of her only son.
The garotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square.
Did those words hurt?
Yes. I was in Leicester Square, but
as was proved in court, I was hailing
a cab at the time it happened.
Absolutely. We've got a reconstruction
of that night, using professional actors,
some of whom have been in The Bill and Minder.
Terry, that night - was it something like this?
Is that how it was? Well, yeah. More or less.
There were some people
who said it happened like this.
How it didn't happen. What's that?
That's how it didn't happen.
That is a couple of ponces mincing about
talking rubbish. Touched a nerve there.
I could have gone down. It was dealt with
by the law. It's over. It's dead and buried.
Rather like the garotted You're
out of your depth. People get out of
their depth, they end up drowning
Calm down. Do you want
to get involved in this world?
Nightclub owners in Leicester
Square who get garotted? Ammonia in
the boat? I'll get you involved.
I'll suck you in so far you'll get
blown out the other side. Wipe that
soppy look off your gormless face!
You wanna get sucked in? No! Well, you tell them.
What was that about? A couple of
ponces mincing about talking rubbish. Right.
Thank you.
Now, are we having a beauty contest,
or what? Beauty contest, please.
I'll I'll see you later for that.
Thank you for that nice chat.
Ladies and gentlemen - Terry
Norton, an innocent man! APPLAUSE
Now for one of the hit bits of my show.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, another Alan Partridge,
in which I meet another man
whose name is Alan Partridge.
It really is that simple. Two weeks ago I
had a letter from an Alan Partridge in Preston.
He asked to come on the show tonight.
A week ago, he died.
I told his family I would honour
the booking if they so desired.
They said it is what Alan would have wanted.
Welcome, with his family, Alan Partridge!
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, another Alan Partridge.
Rest in peace. Ah-ha.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Mary Partridge. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you I've forgotten
your name. Liam. Ah-ha.
BOTH: Ah-ha. No, not you.
What was he like?
He liked a drink.
He didn't suffer fools gladly. He had a temper.
Er, he he
He did like this show, didn't
he? Oh, yes. It was his - what?
..his second favourite TV programme.
Yes. So, er What was his first?
About the beach people?
He liked the girls. Don't we all?
Let's hope there are girls in Heaven. If
If that's where he's going, you know.
From what you say it's unclear.
Perhaps there are girls in Purgatory or Hell.
Um But no-one leaves
this show empty-handed, so
I don't know why I'm being solemn.
No-one leaves the show empty-handed.
And Alan gets this lovely headstone.
It's a granite-marble mix in
Normandy grey. Do you like it?
It's lovely. He was actually born in 1931.
What have we got? '32. Right.
One year out. Not bad.
I mean, if it's a problem, we can
re-grind it. That would be great. Right.
We CAN do it, it's just it will take a
couple of weeks. It's only one year out.
He would like the right
date. He'd got quite a temper.
He's hardly likely to display that now, is he?
But if you want, we'll get it done.
He would have wanted it. We'll do it!
Thank you. Thank you. Sorry. What?
Sorry. Right.
Well, er Ladies and gentlemen,
Alan Partridge, his son, Liam,
and his lovely widow, Mary!
Well, as we heard, Alan
was quite fond of pretty ladies.
So it seems appropriate that in his
presence we hold the final of Miss Norwich.
Mary, you have agreed,
with Liam and your uncle, Pete,
to judge tonight's contest.
Stand there.
Glenn, would you like to
judge Miss Norwich? I'd love to.
Well, you can't.
Now, if you're watching this at
home, in your Parker Knoll armchair,
hit the recline button and relax as we
go girl crazy with a bit of harmless fun.
That's all it is. Please welcome
the finalists for Miss Norwich.
The first contestant is Susan
Atkinson. She's 20 years old.
Her vital statistics are 34-24-33,
so she's slightly bigger at the top.
She's a shop assistant for Saxone Shoes.
She tells me the most popular shoes
are plain black lace-ups with six eyes.
Contestant two is Donna Cookson. APPLAUSE
Come on, keep it down!
Donna used to dance in a nightclub,
but it was closed down after a fire.
Contestant three is 21-year-old Lisa Thornton.
Lisa is a nanny for a couple who - she tells
me - make adverts and live in a converted barn.
When she has the house to herself she
dances round the living room to pop music.
She is the shortest of tonight's contestants.
Contestant four is Maria McNulty.
Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic.
She tells me that, before each
contest, she says a quick prayer.
She has a 36-inch bust. Ave Maria!
Our final contestant is Siobhan Glukowsky.
Siobhan works in William Hill
bookmakers. So what are her odds?
I'll tell you. They're 50-1.
She's a rank outsider.
Siobhan has a Polish grandmother
who doesn't speak English.
Those are tonight's finalists.
Well, we've looked at their
bodies. Now let's look at their minds.
Susan Atkinson, you work at Saxone Shoes. Yes.
Do you get a lot of competition from
Dolcis? Yeah, we do. Right, lovely.
Donna Cookson.
You certainly have a lot of fans.
Are you enjoying the competition?
Yes, I am. Do you watch this show?
No. No. That's all right. That's OK. That's fine.
Lisa Thornton. Do you have any hobbies?
Yes. I like swimming and dancing. Lovely.
I've always wanted to meet you.
I like your moustache. Really?
It, like, really suits your face.
I keep it trimmed with nasal scissors.
Makes you look like Rhett Butler.
"Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Of course I do. Of course I give a damn.
You're lovely.
What's your ambition?
I'd like to work in television.
Really? Great. Well, we should have a chat.
After the show. You're all staying
at the Holiday Inn? The others are
but I'm staying at home with my mum.
You could just go to the hotel for a drink.
We'd get you a taxi home. I'll speak
to your mum, if you want. Lovely.
We'll have a chat. Thank you. Good luck. Thanks.
Do you like animals? Yes. Do you? Yes.
Fair enough. Right.
Well, we've done them all.
So while the judges make up their minds,
I'm afraid you're just going to have
to listen to Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.
BAND PLAYS: "The Winner Takes It
All Number 3 has the best personality.
It's the best personality.
It's a majority decision, so let's
leave it at that. But Shut up.
Right. OK. Glenn! Glenn, thank you, Glenn.
Well, we have a unanimous decision. The winner
of this year's Miss Norwich is Number Three -
Lisa Thornton, ah-ha!
Lisa, are you pleased? Oh, yes!
I didn't think I'd win. Why
not, for heaven's sake?
I thought Number Two would win. This
could be the start of a glittering career.
Who are you waving to?
That's my fiance, Andy. Right. Andy. Right.
Miss Norwich, soon to be Mrs
Norwich. Don't wave any more.
Well, I said before that if this show was a
car it would be Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.
So now let's slip that car
into another pig's ear - gear,
a more serious pig's ear - gear.
In a new regular feature I tackle the
contemporary political issues of the day.
Partridge Over Britain! You can go.
Next week the voters of West
Chalfont go to the polls for a by-election
caused by the death of the sitting Conservative
MP, Sir Maurice Christopher, who choked on scampi.
Let's meet the candidates.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, on
my left and to the left of most of West Chalfont,
the Labour candidate.
She's a teacher. She's divorced.
She is Charlotte Fraser. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, the Lib Dem candidate.
He's a lawyer. He sits on Chalfont's
education committee, and he's black.
Ronald Biggs, ah-ha. Ah-ha.
In the middle, me, Alan Partridge, ah-ha.
And on my right,
the Conservative candidate, Adrian Finch.
Adrian and his wife Rosemary
have three lovely children.
You're also a fan of steam engines. That's right,
Alan. It's full steam ahead for the by-election.
Lovely sense of humour.
Adrian Finch, ah-ha. Ah-ha.
The final candidate, who we have to have on
- he's paid his deposit and that's democracy -
is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III
of the Bald Brummies Against The
Big-footed Conspiracy Party. Ah-ha.
BRUMMIE ACCENT: Bald Brummies!
There's a time and a place for
fun and it's not on this show. Right.
We'll open it up to my audience.
Throughout the questions, I will
be remaining impartial at all times.
I will remain Pontius Partridge. So, er so
Any questions for the panel, please?
Yes, the woman with the high head.
In view of the rising crime rate, would the panel
consider the reintroduction of capital punishment?
Charlotte Fraser, Labour. We
see old women's faces in the paper.
Isn't the best way to deal with hooligans
to hang them till the spinal column
severs, starving the body of oxygen?
Hanging is brutal and barbaric and
the hallmark of an uncivilised society.
What about lethal injection?
Gas chamber? Electric chair?
That's not really the point, Alan.
All the indications Firing squad.
The headslap. The headslap.
Please don't Please don't do that,
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.
There's no evidence to say capital punishment
would reduce crime. It would reduce it by one.
Um Adrian Finch,
capital punishment.
Will you pull the lever?
Well, whether I pull the lever or
not is not the question. Yes, it is.
The the whole issue of of
capital punishment, of hanging,
is is one wh which must
be addressed on a moral level
by by the public in general
um before we can make any
..absolute moral decision.
Good point. Very good point. Good point.
Ronnie Biggs, it's not yes or no, is it?
Well, yes, it is. Good. No, I'm disagreeing
with you. It IS a yes or no question.
No-one really cares. Yes,
no, maybe - it's not life or death.
Well, yes it is.
Yes, but it's BORING. Right,
OK, well. The phone lines are open.
We have a call - David Silk from Leeds.
Are you there? 'Yes.' Are you wearing silk?
'I'm naked.'
What's the question? 'Who will have the
bottle to tighten up the immigration laws?'
Immigration. It's a political hot
potato. Charlotte Rampling, catch.
Fraser. Immigration is one of those
questions that comes up time and
time again at meetings like this.
There is a reason for that It's interesting
Excuse me. He's TRYING to speak.
You're SUCH a rude woman!
Go ahead.
What what we must do absolutely,
is put in place a system of um
Headslapping? No.
A system of Headslapping?
I am trying to answer the question.
A system of Headslapping?
You're putting me off. Please. I know.
A system of Headslapping?
A system of Headslapping? A system of
Headslapping? System of
Headslapping? System of
IGNORE HIM! Ignore him!
Um Charlotte No, it's gone.
Fraser. Do you want to talk
about women, or something?
I'd like to talk about immigration,
as I was before you interrupted me.
Interestingly, people rarely mention the fact
that our immigration laws are some of
the most stringent anywhere. Ronald?
More people emigrate from the
country than immigrate into it. Exactly.
I've never done five.
Great! Six.
No, sorry.
All right. Let's have another
question. The woman
The woman with this business.
How would the panel create more
cycle lanes? That's a terrible question!
Gentleman with the spectacles.
I'd like to ask Hang on, are you a Slaphead?
I'm sorry?
Are you a Bald Kojak Bigfoot-hater?
I just want to ask about sport.
I'm sorry. Please go ahead.
What are the panel's views on the possibility
of the Bald Olympics coming to Birmingham?
Very good (!)
Bald Brummies! Bald Brummies!
Who are you?
Who are you? I am Lieutenant
Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.
No, you're not. I'll tell you who you are.
You're entertainments officer for
Warwick University Students' Union.
Who's he? David 'arrison. Don't
do that voice any more. Who's he?
David Harrison. What does he do?
He's a tutor in Political Science.
And what what are you studying? Law.
What do your parents
think of this? Not that keen.
Everyone likes a bit of fun, but
you're just wasting people's time.
Get yourself a girlfriend.
Well, I think we know a little bit more about
Bald Brummies are back!
Look at his slaphead! You are a bloody shit!
You're a bloody, buggering, shitting
buggerhead! Please, don't do that.
I think he's just lost the safest
Conservative seat in the country!
Full steam ahead! You bugger off!
Don't! Please! This is not political debate!
If you're going to fight, do it in
the carpark. Just stop it, please!
Get security! Get security!
I'll have you! I'll have the both
of you! Come here! I'll have you!
Right! Right! Right!
On that bombshell, it's time to say -
knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, my guests.
Goodnight and ah-ha.
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