Krapopolis (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

All Hail the Goddess of Likability!

Morning vases.
Be the first to see
the drawings of stuff
that just happened, or didn't.
News, gossip, propaganda.
Up to you.
It's on the vases.
Tyrannis declared
sexiest king alive.
Are you serious?
That's the same stick figure
you're always selling.
Nice try, kid.
Cheap king avoids
vase purchase.
I can have you killed.
Tyrant threatens media.
Hey, buddy, check it out.
You're the world's
greatest grandpa.
People know that?
Just got declared
sexiest king.
Weird to be bragging
about that to your sister.
All right, yeah.
What's so urgent?
You pulled me out
of a cape fitting.
Remember when you said,
"This looks like a good spot
to put a city"?
And I said, "Probably not,
because it's a day's walk
from a cannibal horde."
And I said,
"Everywhere is a day's walk
"from a cannibal horde.
That's why cities
are going to be huge."
What's the problem?
Open up.
From our neighbor,
the Killassians.
if they're truly cannibals,
maybe a flaming human head
is their version
of a fruit basket.
Hey, that head is your ass!
Rise above it.
Teachable moment.
Teachable moment?
Then let me teach these
farmers how to fight.
Right, so then we're fighting
instead of farming.
And guess what's left to eat?
That's how
big cannibalism wins.
Look, I know
I'm the little brother,
but you've got to trust me.
Civilization is the future.
Savagery is the past.
And that past is behind us.
Goddess on a monster
coming in hot.
The past is behind me,
isn't it?
- Yep.
- Mom. Dad.
Why are you here?
And why can't you stay?
We heard you were starting
one of those newfangled cities
from something we were eating
and-or having sex with.
I certainly hope you don't
expect me to stay in this dump
for more than a day.
- Hi.
My family worships you.
- A week tops.
Your family's good taste
shall be rewarded.
We love what you've
done with spring.
That is Demeter.
Now, if anyone needs me, Deliria,
I'll be in your
awkward-looking palace.
You still can't die,
right, Mom?
Of course I can't die.
I'm a goddess.
What kind of idiot are you?
Just one with a dream.
[upbeat music]

The Killassians
are testing us for weakness.
We got to go to war with them.
If we go to war with anyone,
you know
you'll be the only one left standing.
That'll technically
mean we won.
[loud explosion]
I've done it.
I made an explosion
on purpose, kind of.
It only took three kinds
of powder and two assistants.
Can we use it as a weapon?
What do you call it?
I should probably
name it after Bob here.
Tom contributed a lot.
I'll call it the bomb.
Hippocampus, didn't I ask you
to invent a written language?
Written language.
Bro, I love you, but I didn't
become a scientist
to make normal people smarter.
I did it to make them
terrified of my god-like power.
Uppies, please.
So there you go, Ty.
Now we can go to war
with whoever we want.
We have the baah-aaahm.
Just say "bomb."
You sound like a caveperson.
We're not going to defeat
barbarians by blowing up
women and children.
How's that going to
make me look on a vase?
Tough on barbarism?
How did this family
get so cynical?
Prepare to disappoint
the goddess Deliria.
[loud whooshing]
Why is there
a slab of wood here?
It's a door.
Turn the knob.
There was no wood slab here yesterday.
Turn the knob.
I don't know what a knob is.
Mom, reach down.
Must mortals fill every empty
space with crap made of wood?
It's called
civilization, Mother.
Oh, yeah, catchy name.
That'll stick.
How'd everyone sleep?
I'll go first.
With your mother,
and erotically.
What are we eating?
Don't care.
I love it.
Tyrannis, where are your
slaves building my temple?
[both clear throats]
[clears throat]
They're citizens, not slaves.
We're doing more of
a modern thing,
which doesn't
really include temples.
Will you look at
the length of these shadows?
I may or may not be late
for a meeting.
Please invent
a way to tell time.
For all you know,
I'm ahead of schedule on that.
You're supposed to make
people worship me, boy.
I didn't create you
for the fun of it.
Well, I did.
But I admit,
I had the fun part.
All the other modern
cities have temples,
most of them to Athena,
the sweaty bitch.
I hear that Athena
gets all those temples
because she has a secret.
She does?
Well, not that I care,
but what is it?
They say she has
the slightest
amount of human appeal.
Don't be upset
with him, Love.
He lashes out when cornered.
He gets that from his
part scorpion, part lion,
part eagle, part horse side.
Nobody upsets me.
Least of all by
comparing me to Athena,
because I'm not a farty,
fart face hack.
Random animal exit.
Oh, damn it.
Random land animal exit.
How is she hot
even as an ostrich?
Hey, I just wanted
to tell you, I think your bomb
was awesome-- beyond awesome.
Words don't even describe it.
It's just like the bomb.
Well, that and
three sandals will
buy me a cup of goat milk.
Guess I'll just start working
on a written language.
This is so boring.
I hate it.
Upside-down boobs.
Is that something?
Hey, watch the science.
How did we end up working
for our little brother?
What's he even good at?
From what I've seen,
he tells powerless people
they're powerful.
And they like that, so they
give him all their power.
He doesn't know what
he's doing, though.
The Killassians are dangerous,
violent barbarians
that need to die, explodingly.
But if we go behind his back
we'll lose our jobs.
If it's behind his back
he won't know.
That's a good point.
Maybe you're more
than just strong?
Take that back.
- No need.
You just proved it.
Calm down, everybody.
You're acting like
it's the first flaming
human head that's been
put on a stick out there
when the truth is,
it's the third.
[crowd muttering]
Sounds like a lot of
you didn't know that.
I see a hand raised.
I thought cities
were supposed
to be safer than wilderness.
I've lived in the wilderness.
There were no
flaming heads there.
Guys, forget them I'm,
and let's get real.
Can someone tell
the throne-maker
I like to get real?
He'll know what I mean.
You know why scary guys
act scary?
They're lazy.
If you run away,
less work for them.
To scare them back,
we have to be even lazier.
That's the point
of civilization,
refusing to move, planting
your food next to your bed,
eating it
when you feel like it,
and pooping it right where
you buried your parents.
You want to make
these barbarians go away?
Become hard work.
Get slow.
Get fat.
Get boring.
Rise up, and sit down.
[all cheering]
Excuse me.
I just wanted to add,
I also love civilization.
And I hope religion
will be a part of it.
I mean, I, myself,
love praying to your mother,
the great Deliria.
Oh, by the way, do you not
even have a place where
everybody, like, prays or--
Oh, wow.
A mysterious bearded
traveler that no one
has met in their entire life.
How often does that happen?
Oh, just when my mom drinks.
I was me the whole time.
[all gasp]
You all passed some kind
of test I was doing.
Yes, yes.
We passed a test.
My mother,
ladies and gentlemen,
the goddess of quitting
while she's ahead.
I'll go.
We love you, Deliria.
OK, I'll stay.
Keep it going
for your king, everybody.
Ruling isn't easy, clearly.
I'm joking.
My boy was born to be a king.
What other job is there
for a virgin in his 30s
who can't swing a sword?
I'm 29.
Sorry, dear.
Can't quite hear
you when you talk
all the way through your nose.
He didn't get
the voice of a conqueror.
But on the plus side,
he didn't get
any other parts of one either.
You know what's really funny?
She gets to live forever,
but she's dead inside.
And it's her fault
I'm terrible with women.
I agree.
It's not laugh-out-loud funny.
Here's the truth.
She's only here
because she's out of options.
She had power,
but she squandered it.
Now she needs worshippers,
and she thinks
you're stupid enough
to build her a temple.
Let's do it.
[cheers and applause]
all: Temple, temple,
temple, temple, temple.
goddess of human appeal.
[dramatic music]
Son, quick question.
With humans domesticating animals,
which ones are off the table
What's all this?
This is enchanted
god-proof armor.
I've been saving it
for the day I kill mother.
Step aside.
If you got that
from Xantheses in Nigeria,
you should know
it's made of tin.
Enchanted tin.
It's cutting me.
He's a swindler, son.
Get it off.
You're wearing
a suit of scissors.
You don't really want
to kill your mother, do you?
Would you help me or stop me?
Dad, you can't give me advice,
because you don't do anything,
except from what it sounds
like, the occasional chicken.
You're wrong about me, son.
I specifically came here to
get a ruling on the chicken
situation before I--
You know who's good at
all the things Mom respects?
A bunch of dead people.
You know who's going
to run the future?
Diplomats, negotiators, dealmakers,
people that make things work,
like me
if she'd get out of my way.
I believe you, son.
Humanity's on the rise.
What you've done
to the chicken alone--
May I just ask?
If your divine gift
is for dealmaking,
why is it you can't deal
with your mother?
OK, put those over there.
That should be straighter.
Look, make it like that.
Can't you just do that
four times and--
And make my own temple?
Brilliant pitch.
Here's another one.
Anyone else looking
to collaborate?
If you're concealing
a Nigerian god-killing dagger,
I have bad news.
I'm here to deal.
You have nothing to offer.
If that were true,
you wouldn't be here.
When I had you, I had a
dream that you would conquer
the world, gods and all.
And when they looked up
and said, "Who are you?"
you'd say,
"I'm the son of Deliria.
And you should have been nicer
to her."
It's not a bad dream, Mom.
But we might have
to help each other out.
My city needs protection.
You need a temple.
These people need a break.
I've tried that.
They're mostly broken.
I've been animating
their limbs.
[mystical chime]
Explain this one more time.
We give them a giant,
wooden horse.
They assume there's dudes
in it, so they set it on fire.
But there's a bomb in it,
so kaboom.
OK, but why a horse?
I don't know.
I just asked myself,
what's the single dumbest gift
you could ever give someone?
Close enough.
Let's jam.
I am Asskill,
son of Kill, slayer of Ass.
- Cool.
- Condolences to Ass.
Are you just
giving this to us?
It's gorgeous.
I wouldn't go that far.
If I were you,
I'd set it on fire, later.
You nuts?
I'm going to cherish it forever.
You're that sure
there aren't dudes in it?
May as well
set it on fire, later.
Why does it seem
really important to you
that we set this on fire?
In our culture, possession
is fleeting, like horses,
whereas fire is eternal,
like friendship.
Then I love your culture.
I declare peace
with Krapopolis.
We feast tonight around the
burning horse of friendship.
[all cheering]
[percussive music]
This is so awkward.
You know, our people have
never danced until tonight?
You wouldn't know.
Sorry we're taking
so long lighting the horse.
I wanted to make sure
all our oldest women
and youngest children
were seated closest to it.
We're going to take off.
But listen, you probably
shouldn't light the horse.
Oh, we're lighting it, baby.
Everyone in the world
is going to see it
and know that the hatred
and violence stops now.
[both sobbing]
It's OK to cry.
I'll cry with you.
It's acceptable
to be vulnerable now.
Thanks to you.
The horse is a bomb.
What's a bomb?
A horrible, devastating,
really cool new weapon
designed to kill all of you
at the same time.
Seize them!
Don't resist.
We have to.
Sorry. Sorry.
Stop hitting everyone.
I have to.
You're terrible people.
We know that now.
You guys are good dancers.
We love you.
You want to slow me down
a little?
My neck breaks.
I've waited too long
for this.
It's not as if the gods
are going to come running back
as soon as I lay the last--
Oh, my goddess.
Look who's back
at temple level.
both: Mwah! Mwah!
Enjoying your drink, mortal?
- I don't have--
- Me neither.
Regrettable, no?
Fetch two nectars, Ty-Ty.
You're missed on Olympus.
That's a lie.
I don't lie, bitch.
I mean, nobody says how they
feel on Olympus, Zeus forbid.
But two steps off the
mountain, you know,
all the real gods are like,
"I miss Deliria."
Shut up.
Uh, gee. Apollo.
Uh, gee. Artemis.
Uh, gee. Athena.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Athena said she misses me?
Why would that surprise you?
You need to realize
who you are.
Thank you, little drink maker.
In fact, that's why I'm here.
I guess there's
a city over there.
Uh, Ty, gods talking.
Anyway, Killasses is marching
here to invade this city.
And seems like the
Killassians worship Athena,
and seems like
this city worships you.
But Athena says she's willing
to stay hands off if you are.
And she'd love to talk about
getting you back on Olympus.
Well, hands off then.
Good to know.
That's what I deal in.
Good things to know.
Get used to me.
Super speed.
Hands off?
We gave you a temple.
Did I really get
a temple, though?
Sounds like it's
going to be Athena's.
You hear?
Invasion coming.
I assume we're
abandoning civilization,
except for this cup,
which I'd love to keep.
The two of you everything
I hate about this world.
You're right, son.
Attachment is dangerous.
You'd let your entire
family die to boost
your Olympian social status?
My mortal family.
You die no matter what.
I also have an immortal family.
The social stakes
are higher when
your social life is forever.
I can't believe
I ever admired you.
You certainly
never said you did.
I couldn't. I was a baby.
It doesn't take long
to stop liking you.
I guess gods and mortals
have that in common.
You try to raise them right.
I blame you.
I can't shape a vase
when the clay is half turd.
[dramatic music]

We may die today.
How likely?
I don't know.
Like guaranteed?
It's a speech, Steve,
not an interview.
Can we do questions later?
Doesn't sound like it.
If we die today,
it will be my honor
to die with most of you.
Is that directed at me?
Hey, Ty, I have a pretty
intense war machine
that probably won't turn
the tide of battle
but will definitely look
really cool during the battle,
and I--
Do whatever you want.
Thank you.
Hey, listen, go hide.
I can tell them
you hung yourself.
A lot of kings do it
in this situation.
It's a thing.
- Nah.
This is my fault.
You saved my life a lot
when we were kids.
I tried to kill you
a lot too.
Well, mission accomplished.
I'm Tyrannis.
I brought you
a basket of olives.
Just tell me how
you want to die.
That's fair.
Oh, wow.
You're big.
Uh, it's my first battle.
How are you even a king?
This will not shock you,
but I sort of
talked my way into the job.
My end game was to make
a world that ran on talking.
Clearly, for selfish reasons.
But I told my brother
and sister, "Let's not fight
these guys;
let's talk to them."
Oh, they talk.
That's all you people do.
Called us friends so you
could explode our children.
You can't be trusted.
You're right.
Because we took your trust,
and we didn't give any back.
So what if we trusted you now?
What if we just open
our gates and let you in.
Please do.
It's called an invasion.
Or an invitation.
What if we welcomed you in
and gave you our trust
until we earn yours back?
We're farmers; you're fighters.
If we combine our strengths,
we could build something
greater than any other city,
an alliance, an empire.
What's an empire?
I don't know yet.
But it's going to be huge.
What is happening?
We're discussing things.
So I noticed.
I'm not the goddess
of conversation, you wet fart.
Conquer these people
and make them worship me.
Uh, did I address you?
Who are you even ever even?
I'm the son
of Deliria,
and you should have been nicer
to her.
Excuse me?
You heard him.
But apparently,
I heard wrong.
I was told
this war was hands off.
Athena, goddess of--
what's the list up to now,
war, wisdom, over-the-top
outfits, and daddy issues?
So we're going
to talk about wardrobe?
Are you attacking ever or--
You can say no.
You're joking, right?
- Attack!
- Ahh!
You are aware
that we can, like,
change our clothing,
bodies too.
You'd know.
You change your face
in every conversation.
- [grunts]
- Ah.
How about I change
your army into snakes?
So lazy.
So you never turn
people into snakes?
When I'm lazy.
- Snake.
Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake.
This is what you look like.
Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake.
[bones crunching]
- Snake. Snake.
- Snake. Snake.
- [grunts]
- [grunts]
[crowd screams]
[both grunting]
You think you'll ever
be back on Olympus again?
It's sad you try.
Sadder that you care.
Oh, I don't care about
trash, but I still take it out.
I guess you just sleep with it.
Excuse me.
Would you mind
not slut-shaming my mom?
She is my mom.
I owe my life
to her being a slut.
I can't hear you over
the sound of snake.
Aw, no family left.
You couldn't even
make your own.
Someone tell Tyrannis
I'm doing something.
[loud explosion]
All hail Deliria.
[cheers and applause]
What is me?
I can smell heat
with my tongue.
I'm not mentioning
today to anyone,
unless I ever see you again.
Ahh! Like I care.
Get off me.
Like I care about any of you.
Like I care about anything.
Like I even care about myself.
Like I even have to.
Hail Tyrannis.
Say something to your people.
I have strange legs,
hot sun, danger, only mice.
Find mice.
Delicious mice.
Warm sun forever.
You get the king you get.
Now cheer.
all: Yay.
Thank you.
There's three days
of mice in here.
After that, he should
be back to normal meals.
Darling, I'm sorry,
but that one is just a snake.
Then where's my husband?
It's war, honey.
If you find another snake,
we're here until sundown.
Thanks for doing this,
by the way.
There's three days
of mice in here.
Thank you for your service.
And, you know,
thank you for coming back.
I came back because I hate
Athena slightly more
than your awful city.
Pleased me to see you
willing to fight.
I bet.
Three days of mice.
Thank you so much.
Someone told me that when
I got turned into a snake,
you screamed no.
Oh, stick it up your ass.
Screw you.
Three days of mice.
Thank you.
Did you get any of that?
[all cheer]
Next Episode