Krapopolis (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

12 Angry Goat Herders

- Oh, man. What do you guys
know about this oedipus guy?
- Never heard of him.
- Well, you're about to.
- Wait, what?
- How insane is that?
- Oh, oedipus,
oedipus, oedipus.
- Don't spoil it.
This is nothing.
If I lost my eyesight,
I'd bump
into my mother a lot too.
You're reading it backwards.
- Ah!
Oedipus, you naughty pioneer.
- Hardly pioneering.
This is the top half
of my family tree.
Incest, murder?
- Nah, I know the story.
Sucks to be oedipus.
- Sucks to be oedipus' parents!
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what, guys?
I don't say this enough.
a relatively healthy family.
All: Aww.
- I act like
You guys are a burden,
and you are,
But I need to appreciate
my situation for what it is:
Somewhat better than oedipus.
- Aww.
- How nice.
- Every goat in the city
has been partially eaten,
Leaving a trail of blood
to the palace gates,
And the people are coming
with torches
To demand
your father be killed!
maybe I'd rather be oedipus.
not a chance, stud.

- Dad, did you eat those goats?
- Of course not.
I'd remember if I did.
Goats are amazing.
They have those little handles
on their heads
So you can just
- Next time someone asks,
shorten that to "no."
- You want me to beat 'em up?
- Everyone?
In the entire city?
- Is that a challenge?
- If you beat everyone up,
What am I the king of?
- Quieter people?
- No.
Angry mobs feed
on fear and violence.
A smart leader dispels it
with calmness and courage.
- So you want me standing
Right behind you
or right in front of you?
- Is me on your shoulders
too much?
Crowd: Angry mob! Angry mob!
- Everybody, calm down!
- We don't wanna calm down!
We're an angry mob!
- You won't be
if you calm down.
- Well,
isn't that convenient logic?
Crowd: Yeah!
- My father
did not kill your goats.
Can you at least
put out the torches?
They're silly.
It's daytime.
- Look, if you're gonna be
this dismissive of our anger,
Don't act shocked
by our decision to be a mob!
- You guys,
I'm not dismissing you.
Can we just talk?
- Nobody talked to my goats.
Crowd: Yeah!
- Or maybe they did.
But it didn't help!
Crowd: Yeah!
- My point is,
our goats are dead.
Crowd: Yeah!
- You're overexplaining it.
Crowd: Oh.
- What are you,
My angry mob mentor?
Crowd: Yes!
- Man, our city sucks.
They can't even kill
one murderer together.
- Everybody, I'm going
to create a system
By which you, the people,
are in charge of justice.
We'll call it
"a justice system."
- I don't wanna speak
for the whole mob,
But I'm willing to indulge you
because this torch is heavy!
Crowd: Yeah!
- That was close.
- Yeah.
For a moment there,
you almost spinelessly pandered
To a bunch of dingholes
I could've easily killed.
- You don't get it.
If the people are
in charge of justice,
They'll have to agree
on who's guilty or innocent.
Those people can't agree
on anything,
So I'll just talk in circles
Until dad gets away
with murder.
- You don't seriously expect me
to admire you for this, do you?
Ugh, unbelievable.
What are you doing?
- It's called science, mom.
- Don't ever call me mom.
That's a word
my actual children try
And use to leverage me.
I tolerate it from them.
I won't from you.
Now what is the point
of this science?
- We can use it
to do amazing things,
Like give people water.
- Like this?
- That's also impressive.
- Isn't it just?
It's called being powerful.
It's why I have a temple
and why mortals worship me
And why half-fish stepchildren
should know better than to ruin
What was previously
a pretty solid day drunk.
- Powerful. Got it.
Um, before you go,
could you--
- Invent an umbrella.
- Dad?
- Okay, grab him.
- Come on, old man.
When's the last time
you fit through any window?
- I am not leaving
through the window.
I was grabbing my weed.
I'm leaving from the roof.
- Why leave?
I'm going to exonerate you.
- My boy, you're what, 30?
I'm thousands.
This is how it works
with monsters and humans.
I chill among you a while,
then something creepy happens,
You kids grab the torches,
and daddy bones out.
It's been real.
- I have a plan.
I already sold the people
on it.
It's why they disbanded.
- You need me to put my head
on the block to save yours.
- Well, it sounds bad
when you say it.
- All right, well,
how's this sound?
I'm gonna put my weed plant
up on the roof--
Flight risk.
Can I hang on to my weed,
Or is there a law
against that too?
- Your weed
will always be legal, dad.
I'm a tyrant,
not a crazy person.
- Okay, here's
how it's going to work.
We're replacing
the large angry mob
With a smaller, seated,
thoughtful mob.
That's you guys.
You'll decide
on guilt or innocence
After hearing all information
from both sides.
- Question.
- Not your job, but go ahead.
- How are you allowed to be
king and defend the killer?
It seems janky.
- Janky?
That's a word now?
- Are you ruling over that too?
- Uh-huh!
- I mean, it really does
Seem janky.
- Okay, okay.
This is not part
of the royal court.
This is a separate court,
a legal court,
Where there is no king.
- So who's in charge?
- Well, we don't really--okay.
Who is the oldest person
in the city?
- What? I don't wanna be
involved in this hipster crap.
I'm 40!
- You don't even have
to do anything
But sit there and be old.
Just do it.
Make him do it.
- Hey!
I don't have time for this!
I could die any moment!
I'm 40 years old!
Uh, what's this?
- That was left there
by a carpenter
And clearly has nothing
to do with any
If we could get started, I'd--
- what?
- What do you mean "what"?
You're banging a hammer--
- When I feel like it?
That's what I thought.
Okay, I'm into this job.
I'm not into your music,
but I'm into this job.
- All right. I'm--
I'm sorry.
What's wrong with our music?
- It's a bunch of people
banging on drums.
When I was your age,
we had to make the drums.
- You're five years older
than us.
- Everything's a number
to your generation.
my bad!
You've got a great story now,
Almost never happens.
when I'm sober.
- You're too much.
- I'm just enough.
- I could use a little more.
How are you, herm-herms?
- Just runnin' and funnin'.
Spreadin' words
of stuff I heard.
Speaking of which,
so sorry to hear
About all
those lost worshippers.
- What do you mean?
- Oh, right.
You probably haven't heard
because all the other gods
Have been talking about it
behind your back.
The killassians,
They're worshipping
some new god.
- The killassians?
Well, that's my city.
They pray to me.
What's the name
of this new god?
- Simon? Séance?
- Is it science?
- You know him?
Introduce me.
Or you could just turn
into a crow and blow me off.
- Where is the fish boy?
- To what do we owe the honor?
- Playtime is over.
Give me back my killassians.
- I'm sorry, but no.
- It sounded like
you said "no,"
But that can't be right
Because it would result
in your immediate death.
- Killassians,
Will you worship deliria
if she kills me?
Killassians: No! Hail science!
- Turns out, you don't have
to be a god to be powerful.
You just have to create one.
Killassians: Hail science!
- My life may be infinite,
but my patience is not.
- You may not care
if I live or die,
But my dad does,
and you love him.
La la la.
So I guess it's time
for you to become outraged
And fake a mysterious reason
to leave.
- I won't tolerate this
Because I'm late
to make love to the moon.
- Science demands
I take a bath,
Which is more fun
with a friend.
- All right!
- I don't know
if this is helpful,
But depending on
when those goats were killed,
I may have been
at home masturbating.
It actually depends very little
on when they were killed.
- Was it in front of a crowd
of reputable witnesses?
- Bless your heart, son.
I'm not 100 anymore.
- Dad, under my new system,
You have the right
to say nothing.
I'd like you to do that.
- If I say nothing,
won't I look guilty?
- Not as much
as if you say anything.
I've got a strategy.
I'm going to convince everyone
You were accused
Simply because
you are a monster.
- Sorry I'm late.
I walked instead of flying.
Last thing this city needs
is more panic.
- Excuse me!
We can't just have
a sphinx wandering around.
- The sphinx's name is brenda,
and I'm here
To represent the goat farmers
against your father.
- Now you can't make us
look anti-monster.
- Brenda, why?
This isn't who you are.
You love riddles.
- I loved one.
It got solved,
and we all have to eat,
in normal quantities,
With human permission.
- Everyone,
stop being loud and young!
- Did you have
a backup strategy?
- I did,
but it was basically
To double down
on the first one.
As a trader of pottery,
you've seen a lot of stories
Painted on a lot of vases,
pots, and bowls, correct?
- Well, of course.
That's why I got into ceramics.
I'm a news junkie.
- And how many vases
have you seen
Depicting monsters
as innocent creatures?
- none.
- You're laughing about that.
- Well, it's funny
to imagine a vase
Showing a monster
helping someone.
Nobody would want it.
- "nobody would want it."
Your expert.
- Thank you.
Do you ever keep old pottery?
- Well, the older a vase gets,
the less valuable.
But I do keep an archive
of stories that seem important.
- Oh? Anything this court
might find enlightening?
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I sure did find something.
This bowl is centuries old.
We can't know
what region this was,
But you see here a monster
that looks like the accused.
And these appear
to be human babies.
And then this would be
the accused eating the babies.
oh, no.
- Oh, that was mesopotamia.
Or sumeria.
I get them confused.
One thing is for sure, though:
I have gained weight.
- Why didn't you tell me
you spent
Part of your life
eating babies?
- I'm on trial
for eating goats.
It hardly seemed relevant.
- Not to get us off track,
But what do they taste like?
- Do not answer that!
- Look, I spent some time
a thousand years ago
Imprisoned in a pit
by a tribe of humans
That refused to feed me
anything but their enemies.
- Who's enemies with babies?
- You know, human values
have a habit of drifting.
It always starts with
"let's get rid of bad people"
And somehow always ends up
with a baby pit.
Oh, honey, you're back.
I missed you.
- What are you doing?
- Whoops.
your loss, whoever you are.
- I don't care what you do
with that slutty bird.
I just need you
to do me a small favor.
- Anything, my love.
- Kill your son.
- Okay,
but since he's defending me,
It might be a bit of an issue.
- Not our son, your son.
I'd do it,
but you know the rules.
"you make 'em, you kill 'em."
- Nobody's killing anyone.
What do you think
hippocampus did
That would warrant his murder?
- He took my killassians away
from me.
- So what?
It's not like
You ever did anything
to earn their worship.
- You don't earn worship.
Then it's not worship.
If I had to do things
to get things,
I'd be one of you things.
- Well, if people praised you
and never get anything for it,
Doesn't it stand to reason
that they might stop?
- Of course.
You're right.
I don't have
to kill your brother.
I just have
to bribe everyone with gifts
So they forget all
about that stupid science.
- That's not really
what I was saying.
- Got what I wanted.
Not listening.
- Okay, back
to what's actually important.
Dad, I'm going
to lose this case,
And you're going to die.
- Look, I know laws
just got invented,
But I think your dad needs
to break a couple
If he's gonna live.
- She's right.
I'll tell people you escaped.
Can you maul and trample me
a little?
Oh, in a way that doesn't hurt.
- I can't run now, son.
Your people would kill you.
- They'll kill you if you stay.
- But legally, thanks to you.
- You're welcome?
- Someone in this city
killed the goats, folks,
And someone in your city
used to eat babies.
Not exactly a riddle.
I'd know.
I'm a sphinx.
You want to hear a riddle?
- Oh, god.
Here she goes.
- What has four legs
in the morning,
Two legs at noon,
and three legs at night?
Man because he crawls as a baby
and uses a cane when he's old.
Thank you.
- Ooh.
- That was a good riddle.
- Impressive.
- I'm not addressing
that riddle
Because it has nothing to do
with the trial.
Also, not a great riddle.
- We liked her riddle.
- It's clearly popular,
Which is why
I won't criticize it,
But it's frustrating
when popular things are stupid.
- Come on.
- Crazy.
- The sphinx's riddle is
not on trial, young man.
- No, it's not
and never has been.
Maybe it should've been.
Moving on.
- Excuse me.
Not moving on.
I want to know
what makes my riddle stupid.
- I shouldn't have said that.
That was rude,
and I'm sorry.
I just think
that a proper riddle
Is a solvable
linguistic puzzle,
Like, what can be touched
but not seen?
The heart.
- Can we just find
his father guilty now?
- You don't wanna hear
his closing argument?
- Kind of a waste of time.
- Yeah, this guy's time
is so important.
What are you, late to marry
an overrated riddle?
- Killassians,
deliria has returned.
And I think you're going
to like what I brought with me.
- An air of desperation?
- In my thousands of years
on this planet,
I have learned many things,
But mostly how to properly
reward my worshippers.
So you're welcome.
Ooh, honey.
Yum, yum, yum.
- Bribery?
Isn't that beneath you?
- Not if it works.
- It won't.
You can offer them
anything you want,
But they won't take it.
Asskill, wanna tell her why?
- Science has opened our eyes
to amazing new concepts.
I mean, the baths alone.
Right, bath buddy?
- Not in front of people.
- You idiots really believe
this nonsense?
I'm a god. I'm real.
- It's called faith,
And it's much bigger than you.
- But is it bigger
than sandals?
Shovels? Dairy cows?
Piles of hair?
Killassians: All hail science!
- Shall we talk?
- What do you want?
- I want you
to let me call you mom.
- What? Why?
- Does it matter?
- No.
Because it's never going
to happen.
- Which is exactly why
It's the only thing
I will accept.
- You do realize
it won't mean anything.
You can't make me love you.
- Pfft, I don't want your love.
I want power.
You see,
every time I call you mom,
You'll know I beat you.
That's worth everything.
- I am strangely impressed
By your cold,
unfeeling calculations.
- I thought you might be.
- Fine.
Because you are power-hungry
and have proven yourself
A worthy adversary,
I will allow you this.
- I know you will, mom.
- Ooh, it's like being stabbed
in the ears.
Now can we finally get out
of this dusty hellhole?
- Absolutely.
I miss my bed and my lab.
Plus, no matter
how much water they get,
These people still smell
like half-dead muskrats.
All hail science or whatever.
Smell ya later!
What are you gonna do about
all your lost worshippers?
- Well, I'm not too worried.
I have a feeling
they'll find their way back.
I might not know
what humans like,
But I know what they don't:
- And if a lifetime,
which is a series of days,
Looks like a single day,
Your perspective is so distant
that a cane would be a leg,
So it's not just
a jumble of metaphors.
It's the best riddle ever,
And I now understand
why people like it.
Good enough?
- All right, you may begin
your closing argument,
But it better be good.
Fact: Your goats were eaten.
Fact: My dad
- Ate babies.
- Stop telling everyone
you ate babies!
Stop talking.
Everything you say is
My father has never lied
in his life.
I should know.
I grew up wishing he would.
I also grew up
constantly lying about him.
I told people
I didn't have a father.
I was ashamed of him
Because he's shameless.
- It's true.
- We want to be good.
We want
to set wrong things right.
You know who else wanted that?
These guys.
Chucking babies
into a monster's mouth.
What happened here?
If we asked these humans,
would they tell us,
Or would they say,
"it didn't happen that way.
"there's more to it than that.
"the babies were bigger.
"they were
very dangerous babies.
You had to be there.
Trust me"?
Well, I don't trust them.
They're too human.
They mean too well.
And they want too much.
And they lie too often.
Is there a reason
not to let this guy babysit?
Are there reasons not to take
his grooming advice? Yes.
When you look at him,
listen to him,
Or watch him do anything,
Is it reasonable
to be disgusted?
But there's no reason
to mistrust him.
He's never pretended
to be better than he is.
That's me.
That's you.
That's these guys.
That's why humans have to be
extra careful about justice.
We're too good at it.
And too wrong, too often.
This guy ate babies.
He didn't eat your goats.
Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Very impressive.
- I'll tell you
what happened here.
One of these babies survived
and sired my ancestors.
I am the last descendant
of the baby that got away.
- Son,
this is a goat-eating trial.
- No, you idiots!
The whole point
of killing the goats
Was to make you understand
You're sheltering
an evil beast!
- Wait, are you saying
you killed our goats?
- Look! Goats!
- Let's go!
- Let's get him!
- Come on!
- Get him!
- We find the monster innocent.
Get the torches!
- Yeah!
Go get him.
- Justice is hereby over.
Keeping the hammer.
- Thank you, son.
- You're welcome,
you baby-eating old bastard.
come on!
Get him!
- Should they be doing that?
Doesn't everybody
have rights now?
- Yeah, everybody but that guy.
Let's take the win.
- Congratulations.
I had a feeling
you were innocent.
- Are you serious?
Then what the hell, brenda?
- I was hungry.
And they offered me
a lot of goat carcasses.
Hey, king tyrannis,
What's a dick in the morning
- Yep, that's okay.
- And then at night?
- We get it.
- You.
- Oh, wow.
Good thing you followed
all the way through.
- What can't hear a dick
over the sound of it leaving?
Brenda the legal sphinx!
Both: Whoa!
- Holy!
- Did you see that?
- Sphinx flying
just outside the city.
- Mom got it!
- Mom, no!
- Oh, he's just as much
my child as you two.
- No, not that.
That was, uh--
we knew her.
- Well, she may be alive.
- She was making sounds
going down.
Not good sounds,
but not no sounds.
do I have to go and get her?
- No, we'll all
go get her together.
- So I have
to go get her slowly.
- I say, darling,
do you ever think
How lucky you are that you
don't have to bathe yourself?
No washing your armpits
or legpits or wingpits
Or your tailpit?
- Can't say that I have.
Have you quite finished?
- Well, now I have
to start again.
- Isn't it strange
How the things you once
found cute in a lover
Become the very things that
end up torturing you forever?
- Well, I like the idea
of being loved forever.
- Then stop that.
I like it too.
- Did you get any of that?
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