Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

Golden Powers

General Arcadius, I've come
to free you from this hellhole.
I think we got a situation.
Actually, I was referring
to my love for Bruce.
He's as good as dead, Mandoon.
It'll take more than one arrow to kill
the greatest General that ever lived.
That'll probably do it, though.
Consumed by guilt and grief
over the loss of General Arcadius,
Krod trode the dung-littered banks
of Lake Hessemeel,
determined to carry out
his mentor's final farewell.
with precision, honor,
and above all,
You may fire when ready, Loquasto.
Come on.
Go ahead and take a mulligan.
I'll eat that.
I got it.
That's lovely.
Say a few words
before it draws attention.
The boat or Loquasto's erection?
Sorry. I can't help it when she
Don't make the man feel bad
about something beautiful.
- Hit it with a spoon.
- I'll do it later.
Is that Arcadius' widow?
Sorry I'm late.
Enrique had to take it in
at the bosom.
He was a great man,
a brilliant general,
a fearless patriot
a generous lover.
And he was the first person
to ever truly believe in me,
myself included.
That was beautiful.
It was lovely, master.
Now, what are we going to do
with his body?
Of course.
Give me only the truth
as you consider this question.
Can I pull this off?
Yes or no?
You, Lord Vanameer.
Well, sire,
in truth, I prefer the trousers.
- The pagan goat pants.
- Yes, Chancellor.
They're wonderful, aren't they?
See, I haven't really got the thighs
to pull off a loincloth
or a codpiece.
Even if I did, the nether hair
that spills forth is revolting.
Indeed it is, sire.
It's all
Myrmidons, kill this man.
And fetch my pagan goat pants.
Thanks for the suggestion.
My pleasure, sire.
What next, master?
Avenge the General?
Trust me;
there'll be some serious avenging.
But first Aneka and I
just need a little alone time.
- What?
- Well, you know,
some things were said back in the
some hurtful things.
But it's OK, because I know
this great couples' counselor
right here in Hessemeel.
I'm not going
to couples' counseling, so
Nothing long-term.
I'm just talking
about a relationship tune-up.
If it's Dr. Willoughby,
you should go.
Can we not do this here?
What are you talking about?
These are my best friends in the world,
and Bruce.
- You can say anything in front of them.
- Fine. Listen, Krod.
What I'm about to say
has nothing to do
with your inability
to satisfy me sexually.
- Guys, get lost.
- No, we were going to go anyway.
I am never going to be the girl
that you want me to be.
No, don't say that.
You can change.
- Or I can change.
- Oh, really?
So you would be OK with me, say,
going home
during the raccoon festival
to complete the rite
of the 300 moons?
Is that, like, a hunting tournament?
- What is that, your astronomy thing?
- No, it's a religious rite.
Great. Even better.
In which good pagan girls,
on the eve of their 300th moon,
must lay with 300 men.
- Dear god.
- 300 men?
- Gods, of course I'm not OK with that.
- My point exactly.
She gonna stab him.
And I thought you could have been
one of the ones.
No, Aneka, wait.
Let her go, man.
Let her nasty ass go.
What a day, huh?
What news?
Have we cracked the secrets
of the eye yet?
- No, sir, the weapon remains inert.
- Daggers!
Although our scholars
couldn't translate the runes,
they were able to identify them
as turbidian hieroglyphs
to an almost-dead language.
The good news is,
we've managed to find an elder
fluent in this ancient tongue.
- What, him?
- Yes.
Are you able to decipher
these runes, old man?
- Me?
- Yes.
Not me.
My father says it's drafty in here.
He wants to know
if anyone else feels it.
Why is everybody whispering today?
Tell the guard
to address me directly.
Sir, he would, except you had
his vocal cords torn out
- for addressing you directly.
- Right.
Now, he brings very good news.
Krod Mandoon has been spotted
in the village, sir.
Arm the squadron, ready my carriage,
and fetch a sweater for papi.
Keep him happy. Joy!
My pagan goat pants.
Look, Bruce,
if that's an invitation to do
I'm just going to go ahead and pass.
It was Arcadius' dying word.
It refers to the prophesy
of Engamora.
He would recite it to me
during our lovemaking sessions.
- He would mount me and push
- Can we just skip ahead?
It chronicles the triumph
of the resistance
under the leadership
of the golden one.
The golden one?
The slightly less cliche way of saying
the chosen one.
But either way,
Arcadius believed it was you.
This is a lot to take on board.
Is there somewhere
I can read this thing?
There's nothing to read.
Arcadius passed the prophesy
down to me orally.
And anally.
Look, Bruce,
I'm just going to go ahead
and chalk this prophesy thing
up to big-house pillow talk.
- All I know is that the love of my
- Last two weeks?
He sacrificed himself
so that you could live.
Don't tell me he died in vain.
In bain?
No, in vain.
- In pain?
- No, in vain.
In vain, he's saying.
Oh, in vain. Right.
Like that bloke over there.
- Exactly. That's what he's saying.
- Or him.
Forget that. It's a much better version
of what i'm talking about.
Guys, guys, it's a raid. Hide.
All hail the Chancellor Dongalor!
Reveal yourself, Mandoon,
or I'll take the life of one villager
every minute until you comply.
Excuse me.
How will you mark
the time to a minute?
Even our most accurate sundials
are approximate at best.
Good point. Barnabus?
And define "villager."
My daughter and I live in a village
but not this one.
Right, yeah.
How do we usually do this?
Locals only or
Since you've obviously given no thought
to time or regional considerations,
how will you possibly arrive
at an equitable system
to decide whom to kill first?
Why me?
How many more, Mandoon?
How many will have to answer
for your crimes?
- That's it. I'm going out there.
- To go out now would be suicide.
Yeah, and to do nothing is murder.
If I'm not back in two days,
Quasto, give that to Aneka.
- Pewter?
- What, Bruce?
Right, you're mad that she dumped you,
and pewter's her punishment.
I get it.
So I'll meet you at Kamada Falls
in two days, OK?
Be careful, master.
I never normally do this,
but you are absolutely adorable,
and I would love to take you out
for a bite to eat.
You just killed my father.
Well, then, I guess
I won't be asking him for permission.
Too soon?
Here I am, Dongalor!
Well, well.
What have you to say for yourself?
Just one thing.
All hail Chancellor Dongalor!
Damn sword.
I forgot the blade sticks
in the warmer months, so I just
Wakey wakey.
We need more tinkle;
fill the piss pot.
I don't think I require
any further relief presently.
Will you fill it?
Bit weird on a first date?
300 moons ago,
a pagan angel was born.
Please welcome
one of the most
spiritually gifted newcomers
to ever grace this hallowed stage,
the woman who put the "rack"
in "raccoon."
Can I get an "amen"?
All 300 men
to say hello to Aneka.
Dear Aneka,
I hope this note finds you well.
Remember that guy
we rescued from the dongeon
who may or may not have had
a weird thing for horses?
Turns out he's a great guy.
Not weird at all.
He's letting me hide out
at his place.
So much for first impressions.
Miss Millie,
are you ready to go to the meadows
and chase fireflies?
Hello, Krod.
Didn't see you there.
I thought you and Millie
were just
There's been a development.
Okay, maybe he is a little weird.
But who am I to judge?
All I know is we'll emerge
from this hiatus stronger than ever.
I may not be able to write again soon
for fear of disclosing my location,
so I guess I'll just scribble
mushy journal entries
until we meet again.
Just kidding;
i don't keep a journal.
Seriously, I don't.
Until we're reunited,
I remain faithfully yours.
Krodford J. Mandoon.
Now, can I see a show of hands
for anybody who would like
to assist the lovely Aneka?
Remember that 300 raccoon thing?
That's not for real, is it?
If you're here for Millie
I'm here for you, Mandoon.
What's this?
A journal.
That is private.
"But what I miss more than the sex
is the cuddling."
This is good.
You do not have
permission to read that.
What a nob.
General Arcadius?
Hroath g'blon brack rothan.
Wait, that's what's written on my sword.
How did you know that?
Let fire flow through this steel.
Wait, fire?
It's funny you should say that,
because this thing has been flaming up.
I just assumed it was defective.
The fire comes from within you.
You, Krod,
are the golden one.
I'm the guy who's supposed
to save the resistance?
Not you alone Aneka as well.
The prophesy tells of a pagan maiden
who fights ever by the side
of the golden one.
"Was it me, or was it her?"
Boo-hoo, Phyllis.
You are such a dick!
Use your blade, not your tongue.
You need her, Krod,
and she needs you.
Aneka needs me?
If Dongalor sent
an assassin for you,
surely she's in danger too.
Hey, buddy.
You chose the wrong guy
to read the diary of.
- This is demonry.
- No.
This is destiny.
Satisfying, no?
After clearing up
the misconception with Horst,
Krod made haste to the pagan lands
to warn Aneka of her impending peril
and perhaps put the kibosh
on a pagan gang bang.
Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you,
but this one's Aneka's hut, right?
No, that one.
Oh, man.
Go in peace.
Hi. Krod Mandoon.
Happy raccoon day or whatever.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
- I don't have a lot of time, so
- I know.
I saw the line.
Please leave.
Who's next?
- What are you doing?
- He's an assassin here to kill you.
You are deluded.
Am I?
Stygian Corps.
He is an assassin.
Pretty awesome, huh?
It seems
like I get two for one today.
Hey, dick.
I'm right behind you.
- Sheath your sword, or she dies.
- Kill him, Krod.
- She dies anyway.
- Shoot!
Go in peace.
Sorry, master.
It's OK.
Ah, shoot!
God dang dang it.
Nice work with the flash bomb.
You're talking about the way
that I levitated you out of harm's way.
I was talking about the flash bomb
that you threw at my feet,
the flash bomb from your magic sack?
I told you
about the flash bomb in confidence.
I would never go and reveal
your secrets like that, never.
What are you guys even doing here?
We brought you
Aneka's love ring, master.
That is not
That's so silly.
That's not a love ring.
It's a friendship ring.
Funny, 'cause it's inscribed
"Aneka Mandoon."
Flash bomb!
That is a typo.
That shouldn't be there like that.
we should probably
let you get on with your
This distraction has broken my communion
with the great raccoon spirits.
My head wouldn't be in it.
300 men locked, loaded,
and looking for love,
and you're closing up shop?
What, are you crazy?
Hello, boys.
With his goat pants tightening,
Dongalor showed his new love
around the palace,
hoping all the while
for third base or better.
This is your room.
I'm just three doors down
if you get chilly or whatever.
And tomorrow,
I'll have Barnabus
fetch your things.
But I don't have things.
That is the most adorable thing
I've ever heard.
Ah, sir.
This gentleman here brings
rather bad news from the pagan lands.
Project Engamora has failed
on two fronts.
Sweet dreams.
He did also have
some good news, sir.
Always give good news first.
This man's blood is on your hands.
I do apologize.
So the good news is, our translators
are making great strides,
though it seems
we're still missing a crucial element
of the eye's aiming mechanism,
namely a crystalline focal lens.
Find that lens.
Sir, the search has already begun.
Now I'm too excited to sleep.
Maybe I'll steal in there
for a quick little gropey-gropey.
I'd leave it till the morning, sir.
You know, let the shock wear off.
But what to do
with all this nervous energy?
Hello, old friend.
Bring me a tub of goose fat
and a clean sock,
would you?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode