Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

Previously on Krod Mandoon
I'm supposed to save the resistance?
Aneka as well.
I am never gonna be the girl
that you want me to be.
Don't say that. You can change.
Have we cracked
the secrets of the eye yet?
- The weapon remains inert.
- You just killed my father.
Well, then I guess I won't be asking him
for permission. Too soon?
While savage lessons
learned in battle
had forged Krod's combat instincts,
Nothing had prepared him
for the emotional trauma
of working with an ex.
Welcome all.
Krod, Aneka, how's my favorite
freedom-fighting couple?
Yeah, excellent.
Actually, we're no longer a couple.
Yeah, we're taking a short hiatus.
- Yeah.
- It's not a hiatus.
That's right.
We're completely broken up.
- Completely.
- For now.
So why don't we all
just sit down and
- I'll go outside and stand guard.
- Stand guard?
This is a resistance stronghold.
This right here, this is our turf.
We're not as safe as you think.
Wanted?
- What gives?
- Krod, I'm sorry. It was the Myrmidons.
They told me to hang it
or they'd torch the place.
Oh, right.
So you play ball.
I had to.
Right. Yeah. Smart.
Thank you.
So toast?
- To the resistance.
- Hold it, master.
- Poison.
- What? What? Hugo?
Krod, I'm sorry. Forgive me. It was
the reward money. It's too tempting.
You know, I have two families.
It's one of those weird situations,
you know,
where the one doesn't know about
the other. I'm in way over my head.
You know, please, forgive me?
Fine, but I never want to see
your face again.
Or hear your stories.
I'll tell you something else, Hugo.
You can forget about me settling my tab.
And I'm gonna find
a new place to karaoke.
Okay, that was uncalled for.
Bye bye.
Okay, guys, listen up.
If we're not safe here,
we're safe nowhere in town.
I say we head out to the woods
and regroup.
On second thought,
let's regroup here.
Sir, I believe they're ready for us.
I dread these tedious
press conferences.
It's a necessary evil
in the information age, sir.
True. True.
It is remarkable to think,
I say it in there,
and within a fortnight,
literally hundreds of people
have gotten the gist of it. Spookey.
- Well, ready me, Barnabus.
- Of course, sir.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Come on.
So you're gonna let me
walk through like this.
For crying out loud.
Krod and Aneka,
come out now,
we'll let the others live!
Refuse, and we'll torch the place!
Which, if you're wondering, does still
make good financial sense for me!
I owe more than the place is worth!
You think I'm bluffing?
Ask my wife!
- She does the books!
- It's true!
- Genius.
- Yeah, it's not my
Is that the whore from Harkouf?
You said that was over.
And you said she was dead.
Dead?
I didn't say she was dead.
I said she was a bit ill.
Could you take this? Please?
All right, guys.
- This is it.
- Stop!
Spare me and I'll save you.
What're you talking about?
No more tricks.
Wife number two just showed up preggers,
and I've got to bolt.
I've got a trap door leading to a secret
tunnel. It'll take you straight out.
Nice try, Hugo.
Let me tell you.
The circle of trust, broken.
- Shattered.
- We go in the store room.
- There's no escape, you kill me there.
- No, we will kill you.
It won't be "we."
It'll probably be him.
Yeah, gladly.
That's fine.
Come on.
Follow me.
So do you think we should
let the press see her?
Rouse up a little
tongue-wagging gossip.
You know how the public love
to speculate on my love life.
Sire, we've just received word.
Mandoon has evaded the trap
in the tavern.
Daggers!
- Announce me, Barnabus.
- Oh, of course, sir.
Presenting the esteemed chancellor
of the great province of Hessemeel,
our dear leader,
Donald David Dongalor.
Will you shut up?
It's really grating.
Sometimes less is more.
Tell them, Barnabus.
- Less
- Let's have a bit of hush now.
Actually, I would like to stand there.
Can you move up, please?
I have will you just
I want to stand there. I should be
standing in the middle. So move.
I have an announcement
I'd like to make.
I am doubling the bounty
on Mandoon and the pagan wench
to 6,000 mendoolas each
dead or alive.
Yes, I know that's more than
the lot of you will earn in a lifetime,
but there's an old saying
in Hessemeel I know it's in Harkouf,
probably in Hessemeel
That says, "fool me once
"shame on
"shame on you.
"Fool me.
You can't get fooled again."
Okay, let's take some questions.
Yes, you in the rear
with the greasy hair and the overbite.
Razmuth Fuco, Harkouf Herald.
Can you confirm the rumor that
you've acquired the Eye of Galga Gremda?
It's not the policy
of this administration
to comment on weapon systems.
However, feel free to speculate
on how utterly awesome
that would be.
Okay, let's have another question.
Yes, with the cleft palette
and the disfiguring acne scars.
Olaf Orskin, Kelker Crier Dispatch.
Then you're not at all worried
about the arrival
of emperor Zanus' weapons inspector
this afternoon?
No, I welcome imperial encroachment
on provincial authority.
Well, I see we have no further
questions. I bid you good day.
Dongalor made haste
to hide his precious eye,
but there was no hiding
for our fugitive heroes.
With Dongalor's bounty making
new enemies of old friends,
Krod knew there would be no reprieve
until he was dead
or until Dongalor thought
he was dead.
How much arsenic again?
Was it a pinch or a dash, 'quasto?
It's a dash.
- This is a horrible idea.
- It's our only hope.
- But look who we're dealing with.
- I know.
I don't trust them to make coffee.
How long do you think we can survive
with our lives under constant threat?
Hours? Days? Weeks, even?
- Come on.
- Okay, wait. Everybody stop. Stop.
Behold the tashen
life suspension potion,
street name, goof juice.
Ain't nothing goofy about it, Bruce.
Pay attention.
It slows your heartbeat down to nothing.
Breathing becomes so daggone shallow,
you won't feel your chest move.
Now, on a positive note,
to any bounty-paying chancellor,
you'll appear dead, real dead.
Seriously, this is the best plan?
Yes, I love it.
Looks like it's been there
for decades.
Excellent work, Barnabus.
No, sir, the credit must go
to the dedicated masons and artisans
who worked tirelessly to create it.
- Who you killed on my orders.
- Naturally, sir.
No slips, you know.
Daggers!
Double daggers!
He's here!
Barnabus, the armor.
Quickly. Come on.
Vuet. Vuet. Vuet.
There we go.
Presenting emperor Zanus'
beloved nephew,
third in line to the throne,
ninth Earl of Brainhang,
imperial weapons inspector
extraordinaire
and master of the pan flute,
let's make some noise
for his royal highness,
Lord Roderick Bo-Bo-Bodickta!
You are kidding me.
Welcome to Hessemeel, your highness.
We'll see how welcome I am
after the inspection.
What's that?
Is that armor
from the battle of Fusilee Ridge?
Itch.
Yes, indeed.
I served the crown proudly there.
Drum corps, second tambourine.
Really?
That battle happened
over a decade ago.
Just how old are you?
What is age, really?
Only a bone chillingly
accurate measure of mortality.
Sycophant.
Thank gods you're not like that,
Barnabus.
You praise me sparingly,
and only when I offer up
a keen insight.
Oh, very true, sir. Very true.
Now then,
shall we begin?
Okay, here we go.
Goof juice mojitos from Bruce.
Enjoy.
What part am I supposed to enjoy?
Potentially lethal cocktail mixed
by a grossly unqualified warlock
Wait, wait a minute now.
What you mean "unqualified"?
You said since my last performance
evaluation, I turned it around.
- Say Zez did get the potion right.
- What you mean "say Zez"?
What you want to say?
What about being buried alive?
What, should we enjoy that part?
If you're so afraid of dying,
there's really only one choice.
I'm willing to take it.
There you go.
But first,
a toast to the resistance.
- Death to oppression.
- To oppression!
No, that's the exact opposite
of what I'm
Never mind.
See you on the other side.
So how long does this goof juice
Well, Dongalor,
it appears
your barracks came up clean.
So too the armory.
Seems the only thing you might
be hiding in this rundown palace are
signs of life.
I swear, if I had to live here, I'd
probably hang myself from one of your
rotted beams.
Shall I send for the rope?
Too much.
What's in this room?
Guest quarters. Nothing more.
Well, hello there.
Please, rise.
I know I have.
Crass, no?
Is this your pendant?
Yes, yes, that's her pendant.
It's a chicken's claw,
a symbol for Nigel Falfurt.
What?
Sorry, a symbol of what?
Nigel Falfurt.
He's an alternative balladeer.
You wouldn't know him,
unless you're up on the indie scene.
I can't believe you recognize this.
Nobody does.
Well, I should.
I designed it.
Nigel's a dear friend of mine.
He is?
Well, what's he like?
Maybe I can introduce you
to him sometime.
Yes, and maybe
I might introduce you
to my musical friend,
Yodeling Yorick Mueller.
Who?
Yodeling Yorick Mueller.
Oh, come on.
Toboggan built for two.
Fondue fon-don't?
Has anyone seen Greta,
the avalanche song?
No? Classics.
- Nobody.
- Sir?
The body of Mandoon and the pagan
await your inspection.
Joy.
Do excuse me for a moment.
I must just attend to an urgent matter.
Oh, no, did Yodeling Yorick
suffer a stroke?
Slip into a crevasse?
No, there's no vapor
in the mirror, sir.
That's 'cause he's not breathing.
The breath of life is gone.
I already told you that.
No, the hearts have stopped.
Skin's cold, palace gray.
They do appear dead, sir.
You know what? If we can just
get the cash so we can go
Not so fast, black man.
I'm just double-checking.
Sir?
Sir?
Yes, I concur with Barnabus.
The death taste is upon her.
- Will you be tasting Mandoon, sir?
- No,
no, the death taste
resides only in the female ear.
- Really?
- Yes.
Go and fetch the bounty
or something.
Do that.
Nobles, you strike me
as gentlemen of good taste.
Tell me, are you familiar
with the alpine vocal stylings
of the late, great,
- Yodeling Yorick Mueller?
- What?
Shut up!
- Of course!
- Ah, finally.
He's only one
of my favorite gay balladeers.
You people think everyone's gay.
It's in the subtext
of all of his songs.
How about "you make my glory whole"?
You make my glory
Yes, I suppose "hole"
with an "h," not a "w," yes.
Well, it seems I shall have to
reevaluate his entire back catalogue.
I dare say reach around randy
requires further
Still alive.
Shocker.
Aneka?
Oh, it is you.
Gods, I've missed this.
Sir.
It appears that Mandoon
is dry humping the pagan.
I'm not dry humping. I'm spooning.
And now I'm trying to escape.
Myrmidons!
Kill them!
Wait!
Damn goof juice.
I knew this plan was a turkey.
Halt!
Look at Mandoon.
Has he gone gimpy?
He's gone very gimpy.
Hand me my sword, Barnabus.
This is how great men
make memoir moments.
Get up, Krod.
Guards, stand back.
Leave this dog to me.
So
here we are at last.
Mano a Mandoon-o.
Two great warriors
at the peak of our physical prowess.
Well, I say that.
I've actually got this blister on
my foot from playing too much badminton.
I digress.
Prepare to die, Mandoon.
Okay, I don't want to see.
Stitch.
Oh, you're good, Mandoon,
fierce, like a turtle,
but like all living creatures,
I know your weak spot.
- Master?
- Come on, Krod.
No. No. Don't.
- Please.
- Master!
I'm wet.
Grab him!
The goof juice
It should be wearing off.
- Here we go.
- She's my girl.
Get the sword.
- Grab my hand.
- Come on. Let's go.
Daggers.
The fiend Mandoon has evaded
our capture yet again.
Send a garrison after them.
Set up checkpoints,
and note to self, next time,
kill first, taunt later.
Dongalor, you fool.
You thought
you could hide it from me,
but I found the eye
Of a lass who's melted my heart.
Granted she's not exactly
what I came here for,
but she'll make
a tasty little souvenir.
Souvenir?
How dare you refer
to this young lady
as your possession?
She's my possession.
I abducted her fair and square.
Look, old man,
it's like I tell all my men.
"You find 'em.
I grind 'em."
I'll send your regards
to my uncle Zanus.
I must say, I find the attitude
of the youth of today
- extremely disrespectful.
- Extremely, sir.
Come along. We'll go to Mumsie's.
She'll make us a nice pudding.
Perhaps it was
the goof juice talking,
but Aneka found herself
asking only one question
of her handsome savior.
Who are you?
Your humble servant.
Dongalor's Myrmidons are in pursuit.
I must ride ahead to draw them
off the scent.
Unleash an invisibility spell on
your team, my pint-size warlock friend.
You know, what I can do I can do a
Why don't we all just scootch back
right now? Because we don't have
that type of time for me to do a spell
right now is what I'm saying.
Just scootch back with me.
- Well, farewell, friends.
- Good-bye.
I'm right here.
Looking for me, boys?
The myrmidons were unable
to find Mandoon.
Daggers!
Quadruple the bounty
and scour the land.
I want him dead!
Well, sir,
you might not need to worry,
because we've just received
this rather bold proposal,
which, if we can execute
as conceived,
there won't be a single resistance
fighter left here in Hessemeel.
And who presumes to know
our business better than we?
That, sir,
is the interesting part.
Interesting indeed.