Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

O Biclops, Where Art Thou?

I am doubling the bounty on
Mandoon and the pagan wench.
How's my favorite freedom-fighting
couple ?
- Excellent.
- Actually, we're no longer a couple.
You're not worried about the arrival
Of emperor zanus'weapons inspector ?
It's not exactly
What i came here for,
But she'll make
a tasty little souvenir.
With resistance coffers depleted,
Krod knew a successful
supply-line raid was crucial
And seemingly out of reach.
- Zez, get back in position.
- No, no,
quasto wearing assless chaps, man.
Normal pants chafe my tail.
Cut him some slack, zez.
Guy's got a tail.
why don't you come sit
Underneath this chocolate starfish
In a stress position, krod ?
That is not a starfish.
That is my muskrat.
- Quasto get back
- I don't care what it's.
I saw a heartbeat.
Until he covers it up, i'm out.
Can we just clear this up, please ?
You said that on a friday, we
Could wear whatever we want.
That's why bruce gets to
wear his tummy teaser.
Jealous much ?
Guys, guys, this is an ambush.
you said as long
As i covered my nipples
And manscaped my treasure trail
That i could let loose my bruce.
What never in my life have i ever
Said "manscape" and "treasure bush."
- He would never say
- what, you calling me a liar ?
Guys, guys, guys !
We're here to intercept the
Imperial payroll shipment, okay ?
forgive me if i'm all business,
But i'm really not in the
Mood to play fashion police.
Oh, really ? Then
Why did you try and get me
To wear a chastity belt ?
No, now, aneka, that
Is not a chastity belt.
That is state-of-the-art
vaginal armor.
i'll take my chances.
Well, you wouldn't
Have to take chances
If you'd just follow
Some simple guidelines.
- Is it so hard to wear underwear ?
- It is if you've got a tail.
I don't want to get hit
with grobble droppings.
i'm not opening the
Discussion up to everyone.
We are here to do a job.
Oh, great. Oh, that's just great.
Congratulations. You
Just killed casual friday.
- No, krod, please.
- No,
nope, stick a
Sword in it. It's done.
- Who's asking ?
- Of course.
Our last encounter left
Little time for introduction.
I'm Ralph Longshaft. It's
Spelled "Ralph," pronounced "rafe."
Wait, you're the ralph longshaft ?
Wow, your autobiography
Ralph on Ralph
Is the reason i picked up
A sword for the cause.
- Man crush.
- Stop.
This is my esteemed warlock
And dear friend grimshank.
Oh. Hey, how you doing ?
we tracked you
Here because the e. R. c
- The elite resistance council
- Of course.
Is meeting tomorrow in the frenulum
Catacombs at the base of mount hood.
To discuss strategy in
A post-arcadius world.
Now, as his protege,
I believe that you should be
Part of that discussion.
Grimshank, the invitation.
- It was in his sleeve.
- Till tomorrow ?
Grimshank, away.
My eyes.
That that was a stumper.
Did he slice the earth ?
What did he
What news, Barnabus ?
The bounty on mandoon has
Been lifted by your official decree,
And everything else
excuse me
Is unfolding according to plan.
Oh ?
come, sir.
The eye of galga gremda will
Soon be fully operational.
This is the fulfillment
Of your five-year plan.
- I thought you'd be happy.
- And i am.
I am, barnabus,
But what good is the
Power to destroy humanity
If i have no one to share it with ?
I miss her, Barnabus.
I miss her so.
Who, sir ?
My angel,
My beloved,
The wench from the village with
The big cans and the "hump me" eyes.
Yes, of course.
Now, was she not last seen
Absconding with lord Roderick ?
Yes, but what can he bench ?
touche, sir. Touche.
And you're not deterred
By the age difference.
You take your own age,
Cut it in half, add seven.
Anything higher than that
Is socially acceptable, yes ? Try it.
- Yes.
- Isn't it perfect ?
- Yes, yes, and then you can
- yes, well, lovely.
I just, you know, hope you've
Not mistaken infatuation for love.
What do you know of love ?
You've never even been in
A long-term relationship.
Oh, true, yeah, i was only married for A
short time before you beheaded my wife.
because she was
unfaithful to you.
With you, sir.
she initiated at
The autumnal solstice.
You spiked her punch and goaded
Her into sexual role-play.
Oh, yes,
i did. Yes.
I had forgotten that.
Yes, well, it was a test.
And she failed.
I saved you a lot of heartache.
Yes, well,
My infant sons and I thank you.
Thank me by finding her, Barnabus.
Find my soul mate.
Right. Abs, I think.
The passing of Arcadius has left
Hessemeel's seat on the council
wide open.
Earlier today,
I nominated you to replace him.
Oh, my gods! This is arguably
the greatest moment of my life.
Your nomination was rejected.
However, the council did agree
to a compromise.
Your admission and,
by rightful extension,
Aneka's admission to our ranks
will be conditional
upon the successful completion
of a test of valor.
You must retrieve
the bloodstone of Elluvia,
The largest diamond
in the known world.
Its sale could fund
the Resistance for a decade.
It's believed to lie here
on the Elluvian plain
deep in the lair
of a dreaded cyclops.
Hundreds have died in its pursuit.
Careful, guys.
Right now, our only advantage
Is the element of surprise.
- I love surprises!
- Back up, one-eye.
Or what, dimples?
You'll stick that thing in me?
Aren't you a wild one.
Join me for nibbles and mojitos
Fresh mint.
Weapons at the ready. If you get
the chance, take this guy out.
Dig in, everybody.
As usual, i've made way too much.
Pass me the ponzu sauce, love.
Wait, is that the orange one?
Nope. That's chutney.
Ponzu is brown.
What's going on here?
Are you or are you not
the dreaded cyclops of elluvia?
The dreaded cyclops
of Elluvia is my father.
Please, call me Cy.
Hello, Cy. I'm Loquasto.
Guys, focus. We're here
for the Elluvian bloodstone.
That old hunk of junk?
Take it.
It was my father's.
We never saw eye to eye.
He despised my decadence.
I didn't share his bloodlust.
C'est la vie.
So, what,
we can just take that and
That's why you came.
I get it.
No one wants to have cocktails
and nosh with a one-eyed monster.
And so I drink alone
Ay, Krod, he's lonely.
- He feels like a monster.
- He is a monster.
- Who could have killed us but didn't.
- Yet. Yet!
I cannot stress that enough.
Get the stone.
He made ponzu.
It's, like, the least evil
of all the sauces.
- Krod?
- Come on, Krod.
Quasto, test the food for poison.
Oh, that is lovely.
That is lovely.
Okay, look,
One mojito, a couple of snacks,
and then we hit the bricks, agreed?
No, you don't have my agree. No.
How anyone can resist is beyond me.
Mr. Universe, I think.
Sir, forgive me.
I come with news of your soul wench.
Yes, she's to be wed this weekend
to lord Roderick at castle brainhang.
Ready the carriage.
We ride tonight to brainhang.
Oh, and, Barnabus, fill out the travel
flagons and grab some munchies.
We'll make it a road trip.
Oh, hello, I'm lord Roderick.
What's your problem?
Aneka, truth or dare?
Have you ever gotten
busy with a cyclops?
Cyclops, one-eye.
That's not an automatic "no"?
I once lay with a troll
who lost an eye in battle.
Does that count?
It most certainly does not, my dear.
It counts as the most disgusting
thing I've ever heard. I mean
Where do you draw the line? Trolls?
- Obviously, there's no line.
- Zezelryck,
truth or dare?
You know what, Cy? I'm gonna
go ahead, and I'm gonna pass.
Just keep it going around.
- Come on. You're such a coward.
- Bitch.
Because of the name calling,
all right, I'll dare.
- Cy, I'm gonna go with dare.
- Fantastic.
I dare you to go under the water
and breathe
through my flesh snorkel.
- Okay.
- Party time!
Well, you win.
Cyclops wins.
- Game over.
- Oh, my gods.
You swing both ways.
- You're a
- Biclops. Guilty.
Should we go lie by the fire,
break out the lotion, and just
get a little weird?
- Okay, let's do it.
- I can't even put lotion on.
Yeah, you know what, cy?
I think we should
probably just get going.
All good things must come to an end.
Hang your suits on the drying rack.
I'll go and fetch
you some warm towels.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Cy.
- Look at him.
- Hey, should i say it?
Great guy. Great guy.
- Great guy.
- Should i say it?
Weird! Okay, he's a freak.
Break out the lotion?
Next to the fireplace?
He's sick, man.
- He is a bit freaky.
- Guys, towels.
This candelabra is a nice piece.
What's it made of?
Or is it tibias?
What's this bone right here?
It's party time!
- What?
- No, wait!
Cy, come on!
Who could have predicted this, huh?
Well, hello there.
Did she hurt you?
Shall i kill her?
No. She's my mother.
- Biological or step?
- Step, i guess.
My blood mother died in childbirth.
Because that is not much to look at.
Mother, go.
Yes, shoo. Away, woman.
What are you doing here?
Forgive me.
I feel as helpless
and as vulnerable as a turtle
after i've ripped off its shell.
Okay, here goes.
I know you see me as nothing more
than a lowly provincial flunky.
Stuck in a go-nowhere
But i am about to activate the most
powerful weapon in the world.
And use it to kill emperor Zanus
and seize his crown.
It's really impressive, isn't it?
Point being,
I want to share my life with you.
My heart,
is yours
now and forever.
Do with it as you will.
Are you asking me to marry you?
No, you know what?
If marriage is what you want then
Marriage. What do you say?
Since i met you, i've been orphaned,
Betrothed to a royal, privy
to assassination plots and
- while part of me despises you
- It'd be weird if you didn't.
Another part knows
that you can excite me
in ways no other man ever can.
I say Yes!
Okay, Cy talk to me.
What's going on here, buddy?
I thought we'd party a little more,
And then
It's go time!
I guess what i'm asking is,
what exactly is go time?
It's when i sex
you all
- To death.
- I knew it!
I knew it. Y'all don't
listen to nothing i say.
And then i eat you.
If any of y'all survive this just,
Just tell my mom that i died,
literally, any other way.
All right!
Let's get swollen.
- Start tongue jousting.
- No problem.
No, no, no, we can't,
Because we work toge
It would just be awkward.
start things off.
- Really?
- Bo-ring!
The handsome warrior
and his beautiful maiden?
So vanilla.
I need some strange.
Trust me. We've got game.
We're compatible sexually.
I mean, that was never the problem.
It was really more
about our core values.
I'm turtling here.
That's not strange.
Give him some strange.
Grab my butt.
- All right, slow down. I'll get there.
- Do it now.
A little tush play.
Likey, likey.
I'm starting to chub.
Do you feel it?
- Oh, yeah. Do you?
- I mean the throwing star.
Yeah, got it.
Hit him in the eye.
Go! Go! Go!
Zez, there's a problem.
The butt stuff, the tush play
I need a moment.
- Oh, i got you.
- Get that rope around him.
You know what to do,
Hurry up! He's strong.
Get down,
you bugger!
Get away, you!
Go on, bugger off!
Sod off,
you old cow!
- Boost it up a bit,
- Yes.
I am so sorry.
I'm such a mess.
Ever since my breakup
with Lisa
And Chad,
i've been such a man whore,
Humping and eating everything
in sight.
- I hate myself.
- I've been there.
Father sent me to a talking
Doctor to sort me out, but
- You Sexed him and hate him.
- Bingo.
All right, let's get
Dressed and hit the road.
Why not
grab some prosciutto
on the way out?
It's only gonna go bad.
Like me.
- How many children shall we have?
- Six.
Well, ten if we acknowledge the
Bastard sons i've already got.
Ten it is!
- You all right, my love?
- Oh, yes.
The cool morning air burns my lungs.
You've got the plague!
Does this mean you don't love me?
The old me might have pulled the old
"let me just check the
Carriage wheel" and bolted,
But the new me is bound
To you, body and soul.
I shall ensure that you are leeched
By the finest medical minds of our time.
I swear by the gods above,
You will not die.
Why? Why? Why couldn't it
Have been you, Barnabus?
Excuse me, gentlemen. Sorry we're late,
but this Thing was weighing me down.
It is authentic.
I shall add it to our treasury.
Welcome to the council,
And sister.
Basking in the glow of
His recent triumphs,
Krod felt an unfamiliar
Sensation swell in his chest:
But as the adage has it
Pride goeth before a fall.
What's up, ralph?
I was planning on taking my schooner
Out on lake cormada tomorrow.
But i'm in desperate
Need of a first mate.
- Oh, aye, aye, captain.
- I was thinking of aneka.
Bruce intimated that
You and she have a history,
And i would simply hate to
Trespass on any lingering emotional
No, come on, Ralph.
- Mensches before wenches: guy code 101.
- Marvelous.
Oh, but just between us,
Don't expect too much
From her emotionally.
Poor kid's still pretty
Banged up in here.
I had to find a lube
Store to fill my gourd.
Let's go, Ralph.
Farewell, my friends.
- Long live the resistance!
- To the resistance.
I don't think she's gonna be
giving him much resistance.
You got me, master.
Is it just me, or is that a
Lot of lube for one weekend?
Nor was krod's the
only heart in Hessemeel
enduring the pain of lost love.
Think i might have something
To strengthen your blighted spirits.
Nothing can mend my broken heart.
Nothing, sir?
The focal lens for the
Eye of Galga Gremda.
When all else fails me,
You always manage to come through.
I thank you with all my heart.
Now, leave, would you?
I've sent for some wenches.
You're kind of a buzz kill.
I've got the lens!
Team Hroath Gblon Brack Rothan
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