Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

Previously on Krod Mandoon
I'm Ralph Longshaft.
It's spelled "Ralph,"
pronounced "rafe."
Sorry we're late, but this thing
was weighing me down.
Welcome to the council, brother.
I am about to activate
the most powerful weapon in the world.
It's really impressive, isn't it?
Long live the resistance.
I don't think she's gonna be
giving him much resistance.
Still stinging from
his breakup with Aneka,
Krod was about to enter
a war zone more treacherous
than any he'd faced
in his blood-Soaked past:
The Hessemeel singles scene.
- It is on tonight.
- Hello, girls.
The magic is in the air, fellas.
- Quasto, use your indoor manners.
- Sorry, I'm very itchy.
Zez has made me bung up
my musk glands.
Yes, I did make him bung it up,
because the damn thing attracts
a skanky class of female.
I'll tell you what.
I'm not settling for nothing less
than top-shelf wenches.
That's it.
I'm so weak.
Unbung it.
Unbung it.
Let the funk out,
we going ugly early.
Seriously,
can we just get out of here?
Why the negative head space?
Think about what
all these ladies are seeing.
Arguably, the hottest man in Hessemeel
just walked through that door.
- Well, I
- You are standing right next to him.
Eventually, they're gonna notice you.
Why didn't you let me manscape you?
I do.
- Maybe a little bit of guyline.
- No, no, bruce, I'm good.
- I got Please, Krod.
- Bruce
- Did you see that?
- Yes, game on.
Okay, you march over there.
Be fun, be flirty, be fabulous,
but, Krod, look at me.
Seriously,
under no circumstances
are you to mention Aneka.
I've listed Aneka's
pros and cons, and,
Well, let's face it,
there's some serious cons,
but, you know,
as crazy as it sounds,
I think the pros have it.
I just believe we belong together,
I mean
The manor guards have raided
the pagan village.
They took all our women.
Somebody's shot him in his ass.
- His onions?
- No,
it kind of looks like
they split the difference.
Those taint-shooting bastards.
Travel well, friend.
I swear, as long as
I have blood in my veins
And the strength to grip steel,
you will not have died in vain.
Master, he's alive.
Put some pressure on the wound.
I
Medic!
- Is there a medic here?
- You'd think there would be a medic.
Aneka, I came as soon as I heard.
Good, as long as you've
Is it just me, or was she hobbling?
She's not hobbling.
She's She's grief-stricken.
- Why would she be hobbling?
- That's what i'm asking you.
I peeked in the latrine, Krod.
Ralph is voluminous.
- That's why she was hobbling.
- Helpful.
I was born in that hut.
I mastered my weapons in this arena.
I had my first three-way
beneath that elm.
I had mine beneath Eduardo.
- Who would do something like this?
- Dongalor.
This raid is simply evidence
of his remorseless attempt
to acquire the eye of Galga Gremda.
I was just thinking
the same damn thing.
That's That's weird. We got, like,
a warlock mind meld going on.
The eye of what?
The eye of Galga Gremda
was the most powerful weapon
of ancient time.
Unfortunately for mankind,
Dongalor has acquired not only
the eye
but also the focal stone.
Friends, the gravity
of this moment is incalculable.
Sorry about that,
just slipped out that.
- My mouth was open.
- Get a bit of that?
This is not happening.
It's quite all right, in fact,
the blame lies with me.
I fed your earthly
companion cabbages at lunch, so
Why didn't you just
give him gunpowder, Ralph?
- If I may be allowed to continue
- Please
please continue.
All Dongalor needs now is the fuel,
the tears
of a full-blooded finnic
pagan woman.
Then we're safe.
Pagan women don't cry.
True,
your stoic nature
is our last line
of defense against Dongalor.
But your stoic nature may
not be enough.
Dongalor will stop at nothing
to acquire the tears.
Harder
longer
Faster.
Nothing can make
your precious pagan tears fall, eh?
We'll see about that.
They say you never lose
your feel for the blade.
Well, let's find out, shall we?
Damn it!
This is a waste of time
And onions.
Come on, Barnabus.
You are one of the few pure-blooded
pagan women remaining alive.
Sooner or later,
Dongalor will come for you.
I suggest that
you spirit her away for safety.
Or if you're busy,
I I could spirit her.
No man will spirit me anywhere.
I suggest your villa, lake Kamada.
- You have a villa?
- He's got a villa, Krod.
It's a shack, really.
It's somewhere I breed my horses
And paint.
You paint.
He paints, Krod.
- He probably paints in the nude.
- Okay.
Like, now,
we should ride immediately.
We'll ride escort immediately.
No, Krod, I'm afraid I have another
mission for you and the dream team here.
I'm sorry, what did he call us?
What did he say?
- The team of dreams.
- That's good.
- Good luck, and farewell, my friends.
- Okay, all right, farewell.
If you want, I could put
a curse on his downstairs area.
I'm I'm only saying that 'cause I got
a feeling that's gonna be a busy place.
Do it.
I can't, I didn't think
he was gonna say yes.
You and your men must make haste
to the Hessemeel mountains.
I'm sorry? What
Did he say "Hessemeel"?
No, no, no way,
we're not gonna do that,
'Cause to get there, you've got to get
through the Forest of Certain Death.
I'm not gonna do that.
Fear not.
That name was just given
by the local farmers who found
they couldn't grow
a certain type of herb there.
Still, people have died there.
I'm not talking about regular deaths,
but about horrible, nasty deaths.
I'm not disputing that.
I'm just trying to clear up
a common misconception.
- It's not an argument.
- Now,
on the north slope of
the Hessemeel mountain,
you will come
to the Doomsday Beacon,
A solitary tower atop of
which is a Mahogany Pyre.
This is the key
to the stairway door.
- Thanks, yeah.
- You'll climb the stairs
and light the pyre
at exactly noon tomorrow.
- Got it.
- The smoke
from the beacon will alert
resistance leaders everywhere
and inform them that Dongalor
is about to activate
a weapon of mass destruction.
An early warning system:
that's brilliant.
No, Krod, elementary,
fundamental to our survival.
- I was trying to pay you a compliment.
- Well, try paying attention.
- Snap. Got you.
- In your face.
Now, can I trust you with that key?
You know, I'm not a child.
Where is your sword?
- You left it on the potty.
- Right.
No, but, you know, it's very difficult
to go with a sword.
And the fate of the resistance rests
in your hands.
I weep at the prospect.
- Just give me the damn key.
- You've have the damn key!
- You put it in your bag.
- Right, okay, yeah.
I got it; i got it.
- What's up, Krod?
- Can I have a word?
- We're in a magical realm here, okay?
- Yeah, I know.
As my warlock,
you got to set the tone.
- No more screaming.
- Screaming What
You're referring to my war cry.
- Shoot!
- Zez, it's okay, it's okay.
Okay, listen to me.
Truth be told,
we're dealing with powers here that
may be greater than my own, all right?
Does anybody smell that?
In my defense, there was
a deadly tarantula on my shoulders,
and y'all know me
and spiders ain't never been right.
Okay, it was a ladybug,
and it's still there.
Get it off if it's on me.
Knock it off!
Master, quick,
you'd better come and see this.
Wait, wait, we go as a group, krod.
All right, that about
does it for me.
So long, everybody, it's been fun.
Well, okay, guys,
circle up, circle up.
Bruce, you're touching.
Come no closer, wenches,
or i swear, i'll draw my blade.
Whip it out, Krod, whip it out.
Declare yourselves.
Please, help.
They tried to kill us.
- Who?
- Banshees.
They set upon us
and killed the men in our party.
It was horrible.
What?
Damn banshees.
That's it, lean on my chest.
Take comfort in my strength.
Excuse me, boys, time-out.
I don't believe
they would touch you.
Shh, don't you move.
- What's a banshee?
- I don't like where this is going.
Yeah, because it's gonna end up
with sex between men and women.
Look at that corpse.
He's a big guy,
and those girls got away?
It doesn't add up.
Bruce, what is your problem?
These poor, insanely hot,
beautiful women need our help.
- Where's your compassion at?
- And your common sense?
- Bruce is right.
- No, Bruce is gay.
The warrior, the warlock, and
the grobble will make worthy vessels,
but the fay one seems suspicious.
I think I know something
that will remove his doubts.
Hey, let's just be careful.
Todd, you escaped.
Barely.
I think I just found my compassion.
Darling!
All right, guys, listen up, all right?
This is not a drill.
It is on tonight, fellas.
- We are bumpin' bellies, OK?
- Let's all be responsible.
- You all have protection?
- Right now,
I'm purified with abstinence,
so I'm not really packing any sheepskin.
That's all right, I'm packing extra.
My man.
- Just the one.
- What am I supposed to sleep in that?
So that's why they say once
you go grobble, you always hobble.
- Right here.
- Well, just put it up for now.
Don't let them see that, 'cause they'll
expect us to have the same equipment.
Papa said we can't afford
to keep you anymore,
Because he can barely pay
for mama's coffin as it is,
And with sister sick and dying,
He's gonna have to pay for
another box real soon.
Go on, boy.
Get out of here.
I said get.
I don't want you anyway,
you old bag of bones, go on.
The dog and the and the thing
you don't understand the emotional
underpinnings of the scene?
This boy loves his dog.
His father's forcing him into this.
Barnabus,
have the boy's father killed.
Sir, he's just an actor.
- You wrote the scene for him.
- Still, that pain
must come from somewhere.
Toss the boy off a bridge.
Stick a pole in the dog.
We'll use it as a mop.
I've met warlocks before but
never one so brave and powerful.
Yeah, I'm real strong.
You know, it's real easy to
get pigeonholed in my line of work.
That's why I try to blur that
line between warrior and warlock.
I'm really more of
a hyphenate if you ask me.
Oh, forgive my boldness,
but may I kiss you?
I'm sorry.
You must think I'm a harlot.
What? I think you
Girl, you better stop it.
Kiss away.
Lest I glimpse judgment
in your eyes.
You're going to be
a lively little devil, aren't you?
May I kiss you?
Mind my wisdom tusk.
It's abscessed.
We'll call him
Todd Jr.
So how about you?
Are you family oriented?
Actually, yes. I
hope to have one
of my own someday
Soon.
May I
Yeah, sure.
Wait, I
I don't know. It just
Something just doesn't feel right.
- I was only asking for a kiss.
- No, I know, but,
well, to be perfectly honest,
I'm just not over Aneka.
I can't do it to you, Mara,
it wouldn't be fair.
I'm not looking for fair, kiss me.
Hey, no means no.
- You will host my child.
- Your child?
Hey, I have no problem
with single mothers.
I just wish you'd been honest
with me instead of trying
to trick me into a relationship.
And when he hatches,
your carcass will be his cradle.
- Kiss me.
- Hatches?
Carcass? Guys?
Careful, boys.
I think we're dealing
with succubuseses
s suckypusses.
Succubi.
Guys, guys, guys.
Guys, guys, guys,
what the hell's going on?
So strong.
You'll make a worthy host.
- Thank you.
- Hey, I got your thanks right here.
Stop, I'm not one of them.
Sure you're not.
You just tried to tongue-rape my face.
Because I was under their spell.
I was kidnapped.
They were using me
to make devil spawn.
- By killing them, you freed me.
- Yeah, I'm not buying it.
Then do it.
Kill me.
Aneka was a fool to let you go.
I know, right?
It's just she's so damn hardheaded.
Go to hell.
- Harsh.
- What?
It's where she's from.
We got to go, the beacon, come on.
Master, we are knackered.
Why don't we do this tomorrow, eh?
- No, we can't; it's almost noon.
I just miscarried.
We won't even get there on time.
- Do you even have the key?
- Yeah
Oh, god, I'm such an idiot.
This is not my fault.
I was battling demons.
We're out here having babies,
you can't keep a key?
Guys, guys, come with me.
Come on.
- I did it!
- There's your beacon lit, Grimshank.
What else you got?
Yeah, come on, we did it.
What did you do?
That doesn't seem right, does it?
Come in.
Forgive the intrusion,
but i have terrible news.
Krod and his men were ambushed
by Dongalor's guards
at the Doomsday Beacon.
There were no survivors.
Krod is dead.
I'm sorry.
I know you loved him dearly.
I will leave you to your grieving.
Harder,
longer,
faster.
Forgive the intrusion, sir.
Yes, I I I'm just getting
inside their heads
to learn what might make
their precious tears fall.
Yes, well, I come with
rather good news in that regard, sir.
Krod Mandoon is dead.
The tears have been procured.
Joy! This calls for a celebration.
Shall I inform the wine steward
and slaughter a fatted calf?
No, you shall leave now and
tell no one of the goings-on here.
Yes, course.
Ladies, back to position one.
Harder, longer
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Team Hroath Gblon Brack Rothan
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