Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

Previously on Krod Mandoon
All Dongalor needs now is
the tears of a pagan woman.
Pagan women don't cry.
The smoke from the beacon will
alert resistance leaders everywhere.
The fate of the resistance rests
in your hands.
I weep at the prospect.
- Oh, snap.
- Oh!
With Krod still baffled
by the disastrous turn of
events at the doomsday beacon
and his men reeling
from postpartum depression,
they made their way
back to Hessemeel
only to discover their troubles
were just beginning.
"Mission accomplished.
"Boom boom at beacon
leaves mandoon dead"?
Dongalor's offering general amnesty.
"This saturday, any resistance fighters
who lay down their arms
"will receive 20 gold
mantoolas and a mule."
Wait. Why would Dongalor think
we died at the beacon?
That mission was a secret.
The only person who knew
we were there was
Grimshank.
He's working with Dongalor.
I knew it.
I knew it, Krod.
Why didn't you say something?
I just did.
That's what
I just
We've got to warn Ralph and Aneka.
I just hope that backstabber
hasn't got to them yet.
I don't call on you very often
and when I do, it's usually a courtesy.
And that's appreciated.
I know you run in warlock circles
I sprint in them.
Does Grimshank have any weaknesses
that we could exploit?
Yeah, yeah, he does.
But I got to warn y'all,
it's not gonna be pleasant.
Even after 30 years of marriage,
he was insatiable.
He'd have me four
or five times a day.
Not counting handjies.
He made me train my kegel muscles
to the point where I could
pick up loose change.
What? You don't get to see
that every day.
But after the menopause,
he lost interest in me sexually.
I indulged his every perversion:
- Mouth fun
- Sure.
- Bagpiping
- Right.
A bit of canary in the coal mine
Why?
But nothing satisfied him.
Agnes, if you really
want to get back at Grimshank,
help us out.
His wizardly denomination
is the order of the hound.
It's on a wire.
- She's good.
- The source of Grimshank's magic
is a canine tooth he wears
on a gold waist chain.
Without it, he's just
a powerless old perv.
But how do we get close enough
to him to get the tooth?
I'll turn you into
the thing he fears the least:
the body and soul of a shaggy beast.
Hey, Master, my fleas are gone.
Good for you.
Now, let's focus.
We have to warn Ralph and Aneka
that Grimshank is a traitor.
- Bruce, do you mind?
- It's a compliment, Krod.
Villa, my ass.
- Ralph live in a damn castle.
- Yeah, I saw.
I hear Aneka.
Y'all just gonna take off
and leave me in the back?
'Cause I'm the black dog? Racists.
Hey What's the trouble, girl?
- Girl?
- Well, now,
What do we have here?
I don't know where she came from.
She just bounded in all excited.
Are you in heat?
Heat? Can you not see my balls?
Gracious me, there's
an entire pack of them here.
Guys, it's no use, she can't
understand what I'm saying.
Snowflake,
why don't you take our new friends
to my quarters?
Fine. We'll go to his quarters
and see what we can find out.
Let's go.
Bruce!
Sir.
The Dongalor youth
composed this hymn,
especially for your impending
triumph over the resistance.
They've done excellently,
as have you in selecting the finest
our province has to offer.
- Shining examples.
- Dongalor
- Good gods!
- Dongalor
Who is this odious troglodyte?
We know who this is.
This is Homunculo.
He lives beneath the slop house.
He's your bastard son.
Hi, dad.
I'm afraid daddy has to
dash off now,
But how would you like
to go on a boat ride
with uncle Bar-Bar?
But I can't swim.
Really?
That doesn't matter. Just remember
to have lots of stones in your pockets
to throw at turtles.
Have fun.
Two, three, four.
needs another verse
go and write some more
What's in that vial?
I don't know.
But I guarantee
it's something nasty.
Bad Snowflake.
You almost made daddy
spill his pagan tears.
Pagan tears!
I knew he was evil.
- Told you.
- Don't start.
There's the tooth right there. Grab it,
and let'sget the hell out of here.
Grab it with what?
Face it, we're stuck here
until the spell wears off.
Great. What are we supposed to do
between now and dawn?
We're off the clock until sun-up,
Separate corners and no peeking.
Guys, wake up.
- Anybody got a mint?
- Quiet.
You'll wake him.
He looks excited about something.
Hit it with a spoon.
- Krod, get the tooth.
- Me?
- Isn't this more up your alley?
- I am not a wrinkle queen.
Arcadius was an exception.
Fine.
- I'm going in.
- Careful, Master.
Steady.
That's not a tooth.
Steady.
Got it.
Rise and shine, Grimshank.
Look at what I've got.
I thought you were dead!
You thought wrong, old man.
Give me my tooth back.
No chance.
- Say good-bye to your magics.
- No, no, no!
That's the biggest mistake
you've ever made.
Oh, really, traitor?
Then what's this?
- None of your business.
- Yeah, well, it is now.
Quasto, gag him.
Keep an eye out for Dongalor.
I'm gonna go let Longshaft know
his villa's got a rat problem.
Oh! Robe.
Robe.
You're alive!
Yeah. No thanks to this traitor.
Grimshank? Traitor?
I found these in his room.
Pagan tears.
He and Dongalor were gonna use them
to fuel the eye of galga gremda.
On behalf of the resistance,
I thank you, Mandoon.
I'll dispose of those.
Don't give him the tears, you fool!
Seriously, with the name calling!
Forgive him, he's going
through a painful divorce.
Now listen to me.
Take the tears and leave right now. It's
your only chance to save the resistance.
Trust me.
Trust you?
You tried to blow me up!
Because I needed you dead.
I know we never got along,
- but I think that's a little extreme.
- It was nothing personal.
It was part of my plan
to save the resistance.
What? How?
You're alive!
That's how.
I have been working for
the resistance as a double agent.
And I realized as soon as
I saw that she loved you
Hold up.
- You saw that she loved me?
- It was obvious.
It was obvious?
- See, I think that way and
- I saw that she loved you,
and I realized that if we were
to have any chance at all
of harvesting pagan tears,
She had to believe you were gone.
You cried over me?
You never cry.
- Yeah, Krod
- Yeah?
With all due respect,
what my former colleague saw and,
I presume heard,
was hardly Aneka's love for you.
In fact, if I may take a rare break
from gentlemanly decorum,
That bitch wore my ass out.
Is that true?
Did you?
Wear his ass out?
We emptied her lube gourd.
Twice.
That was a huge gourd.
I know.
I guess that settles it.
Here. Take them.
No!
Ever the chump, Mandoon.
Are you ready, big "D"?
Born ready, R. L.
What say we fry up some villagers?
You fool, do you realize
what you've just done?
Yes.
I've exposed the real traitor
And given him a vial
of grobble urine.
You think it'd be cloudy,
but surprisingly,
it's clear as spring water.
Here are the real tears.
Suck on that, boys.
Who's the fool now, Grimshank?
Still you.
My sword.
Now I know I had it when I got up.
As we speak,
hundreds of resistance fighters
are gathered in
the Hessemeel commons
seeking amnesty and a mule.
Fools.
Everyone knows there's no
such thing as a free mule.
Say hello
to the Eye of Galga Gremda.
Double agent guy, didn't you have
a plan to shut this thing down?
Yes, I was gonna wait
until the weapon was activated
and then use my telekinetic powers
to turn it onto Dongalor's palace.
That's great! Let's do that.
You threw my magic away.
I am now completely powerless.
Right.
Accept it.
Your so-called resistance is doomed.
I'll take those tears.
You want them? You'll have to carve
them out of my cold, dead gullet.
It's stuck I can't
I can't breathe.
Unbelievable.
He swallowed the vial.
What was I supposed to do?
- Crush it on the stone floor.
- Pour the tears out.
Or just swallow them.
Quite a few options, really.
I was looking forward
to the gullet-carving.
Where was i?
Oh, yes. Kill him.
Still no sign of Donga lor.
Hello!
The vial of tears, sir.
Yes, sir, thank you for including me
in today's epochal events.
Oh, Barnabus, I couldn't
have done it without you.
Now drop.
You can take him.
I don't know, he's good.
Krod, it's the size of
a warrior's heart that counts,
Not his sword.
First of all, this is not my sword.
My sword is huge.
It is way bigger than his.
Arcadius said
you were the golden one.
I die unconvinced.
Hand cramp.
- Are you in pain, sir?
- Oh, I'll soldier on as I always do.
- Why, Ralph?
- Come, come, Krod. Look around you.
Do you honestly believe
someone born into all this
would fight to see it abolished? No.
Join me, and you too can
have a palace of your own.
Freedom is my palace.
"Freedom is my palace."
What a clumsy little metaphor.
Showtime!
Joy!
Just a matter of minutes now,
Barnabus.
Let's away.
Just surrender,
and I'll give Aneka back.
She's not yours to give.
Do what you must.
- Set his hair on fire!
- Keep him down, rip his head off!
Rub him with oil!
Get him greasy!
It is an honor to die
at your hand, Aneka.
you were a worthy foe.
Classy till the end.
- How did you do that, Zez?
- I'll tell you what it was.
It was focus, preparation,
execution.
Grimshank's tooth?
Did you fish it out of the moat?
Right.
- It'll never fit, Barnabus.
- It will. Let me just strap it on.
- Where is that coming from?
- Someplace beautiful?
Yes, the wings are secure, sir.
Good.
Well, Barney, old chap,
- Bonne chance.
- Wha Bonne chance, sir?
- Am I allowed to come too?
- No, Barnabus.
A hero's death awaits you.
- Well, there's no greater glory.
- Yes. Yes, of course.
A guilt trip. Really.
On the greatest day of my life.
That's the thanks I get, is it?
- 1,000 apologies, sir, but
- No, too late.
Damage is done.
Talk to the wing.
- Dongalor!
- Attack, Barnabus.
It's over!
You're no killer.
I saw you spare Ralph.
Rafe. Ralph.
Rafe.
Is he Ralph or Rafe?
It's spelled Ralph,
but it's pronounced "Rafe."
But he didn't kill Arcadius.
- You did.
- Wait.
There's something you need to know.
A very powerful secret that has been
kept from you for too long now.
- You're stalling.
- No, it's true.
your brother.
- My brother?
- In-law.
- Say again?
- I married your sister.
Voola?
She left home when I was a kid.
She joined the Mulcavian
And the fact remains,
We were married,
Albeit briefly.
- Wait, you're not even married anymore?
- Yeah, well, not now. She's nuts.
And a whore.
- we're family.
It's about to blow!
This isn't over.
Surrender immediately,
if you don't mind.
There's got to be some way
to stop this thing.
You know what to do, golden one.
Fulfill your destiny.
Hroath g'blon brack rothan.
- Let fire flow through the steel.
- Wait. Answer me this.
Do you know if Bruce
is seeing anyone or
- Later.
- Fair enough.
Go, lad.
You be careful with those tears.
Somebody's gonna get hurt.
over and over again.
For despite Aneka's commitment
to her pagan faith and pagan ways,
he'd finally tail
that sweet, sweet nasty ass.
You there!
Peasant, help me down from this tree.
You'll be richly rewarded.
- Homunculo?
- Father.
I thought you
Hey, there, buddy,
how was the boat ride?
Yes, good?
Shield me, Barnabus.
Shield me from
this wretched monster.
- Good arm on the boy, no?
- Yes, not bad, sir, not bad.
He wouldn't.
He would.
By the gods, Barnabus,
I love the little bastard.
Homunculo Vesuvius Dongalor,
I hereby acknowledge you
to be my rightful heir.
Come live with me at the palace.
You can have Barnabus' quarters.
- Oh, sir, where will I live?
- And still he chops!
- Isn't he wonderful, Barnabus?
- Absolutely. But sir,
where will I live?