Kung Fu Panda: The Dragon Knight (2022) s03e02 Episode Script

Baddie Issues

[exclaiming, grunting]
- [seagulls cry]
- [dramatic music plays]
Come one, come all.
Who wants to watch
the Soul Reaper and his loser group
meet their maker?
Hey, hey, hey.
Forouzan, this has gone too far.
Have I made some mistakes, huh?
[splutters] Sure, but nobody's perfect.
Tell me about it.
Oh, Po. Please. Take your papa's hand.
I may be an ex-pirate,
but I'm still your dad.
How do I know that?
How do I know anything anymore?
How do I know that's Rukhmini
and not some weird furry puppet?
Okay, you gotta get over
whatever this is, right now.
Wow. It even talks.
[Forouzan] Hey!
Are you all going to shut up and listen
while I explain your impending demise?
Sure, whatever, demise me.
I don't even care anymore.
Oh, Po. [cries]
Don't worry. I'll bust us outta here.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Uh, still making some tweaks, so
[groans, grunts]
[dramatic music plays]
You've invoked Pirate's Code 32457,
also known as
the Triple Tournament of Certain Doom.
Uh, sorry, uh,
how certain is the "certain doom" part?
It's simple, really. The only rule
- There are no rules.
- [crowd cheering]
Except the ones I get to make up as I go.
What are rules in a world
where truth is tossed to the wind?
Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?
Po! Focus! [scoffs]
Now, now, there's still hope.
You could win.
There is three rounds of battle,
and you need only to win one.
Do I remember how to fight?
Did I ever know?
If you win,
you can leave with your worthless lives.
And when we win,
we get everything you took from us.
- My sword
- My antlers!
- And our trunk of
- [gasps]
But if I win,
I will exact my long-awaited revenge,
not just on Ping, but on you all!
[crowd cheers]
Forouzan, please!
If our time together meant anything
- Blah, blah, blah.
- [gasps]
Okay, you know it takes two
in every relationship.
Hm. What a great idea.
Why don't we do a two-on-two?
[chanting] Two-on-two! Two-on-two!
Who wants to die first?
You up for this right now?
Yeah, yeah!
Gimme the sweet release
of hand-to-hand combat
to realign my sense of right and wrong!
- [Colin] Enough!
- [exclaims, growls]
I am hereby arresting
the charlatan Luthera of Landreth,
in the name of Her Majesty the Queen.
- [laughs]
- [crowd laughs]
Thanks for volunteering, Antlers.
- [groaning]
- [crowd jeers]
I was gonna punch out my feelings, but no,
just more disappointment for old Po.
- Stop it.
- Stop.
[Forouzan] This is going to be
so dramatic.
He would not stop talking about you
the whole voyage.
He's obsessed.
I You're making it sound weird.
I have a job to do.
Any obsession was strictly professional.
Sure, sure.
And for your opponents
I choose
- [Forouzan] The Stabbit Rabbits.
- [cheering]
I don't think I can do this.
They're so puny.
- [cheerful music plays]
- [chittering]
[scary music plays]
- [grunts, screams]
- Die!
- [Colin] Get it off, get it off!
- [exclaiming]
Watch it!
That's 15 marks for the Stabbit Rabbits
pulling a KO in under five minutes.
Step right up!
- [Rukhmini] Place your bets.
- Huh?
- Rukhmini! You escaped?
- And you're taking bets against us?
Writing's on the wall, kid.
Got to scrounge up some cash to make
my own way out of this cursed rock.
Get back in there!
Rukhmini needs a new pair of shoes!
Why are they called Stabbit Rabbits
if they don't even stab?
- [gasps]
- [grunts]
My friend's gonna get her head chopped off
because of you, you lying pirate liar!
[splutters] Po,
you have never spoken to me this way.
I don't even know who you are anymore,
and that makes me mad!
- Po, please. It's still me, your dad.
- [soft music plays]
Take my hand,
just as you did when you were little.
Stop thrashing!
I'm not thrashing, you're thrashing!
[Forouzan] Three, two, one,
Put the knives away, boys.
I get the honors at the end of this.
Round one goes to the rabbits.
- [gasps]
- [groans]
- Whoa!
- Ow!
Oof. That was embarrassing for you.
She called the match
before it was even over!
It's totally rigged.
I hate pirates.
[spluttering] It is rigged.
Of course it is.
That went by quicker than we expected,
didn't it, folks?
Wasn't much of a show, was it?
But I've always thought
the most fun is one-on-one.
I summon next to the ring, you know him.
You love him.
- [gasps]
- You're deathly afraid of him.
[teeth chattering]
- Meatmasher!
- [echoing footsteps]
- [yelling]
- [exclaims]
Yeah! [groans]
[chuckles menacingly]
[chanting] Mash that meat! Mash that meat!
Oh no!
Oh, what? You know him
from robbing ships or something?
Well, yes, actually.
- [gasps]
- Oh, but we can use that against them. Hm?
You robbed ships too? Great.
Now, who, oh, who will I choo-choo-choose?
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
You want me, the bad boy kung fu master.
Fine, I can handle it.
- On my own.
- Why are you being like this?
Why did you lie to me my entire life?
Now that is a gross exaggeration.
You're a gross exaggeration.
Hm. I want
[Forouzan] The little one.
- [crowd cheers]
- No, no, no.
Someone better let me
fight out my feelings soon
or I'm gonna pop!
[snorts, grunts]
[joints crack]
[pirate] Get in there, you scallywag.
[gasps] Oh, wow!
Meatmasher, huh?
I guess that makes me the meat. [laughs]
Don't worry, I know this guy.
I can coach you through this.
[scoffs] Only if you wanna be fed
a delicious bowl of pure deceit.
Round two. Fight!
[chanting] Mash that meat! Mash that meat!
[crowd jeers]
[chanting] Mash that meat! Mash that meat!
[grunts, exclaims]
[Meatmasher grunts]
Come on, come on!
Yes, use your speed to trip him up.
[Mr. Ping] Meatmasher's big but slow.
- Then when he's down, you
- No! No pirate moves!
You can win
with the superior power of kung fu.
How do I do that?
Oh my gosh, I'm gonna die!
Enough! This is not about you, Po.
[gasps, exclaims]
- [grunting]
- [exclaiming]
You gotta insult his mother!
Meatmasher's very sensitive
about the women in his life!
[crowd chanting] Mash that meat!
Mash that meat!
Um, I don't like your mom, sir!
[laughs] The old trick still works!
Great. Great work, Reaper.
Get your commemorative
"I watched Rukhmini's idiot friends die
and all I got was this coconut" cup!
Aw, you consider me a friend? [shrieks]
- [grunting]
- [crashing]
- This isn't working.
- [Colin] Obviously.
Knights rehydrate after every bout,
which you'd know if you were a real
The knights! You can summon the knights!
You made me drop my coconut.
[gasps] They patrol these seas.
They'll arrest the pirates,
and we can escape!
But I don't want you to escape.
I'm on a mission of grave importance!
And I haven't completed my mission.
If the knights show
and I haven't arrested you,
they'll throw me out!
You have arrested me.
What about your friends?
You'd let me arrest them too?
No. Just me.
Then deliver them safely to England.
Do you have a flare?
[sighs] I really can't do this anymore.
[crowd chanting] Mash that meat!
Mash that meat!
Please work.
[echoing clang]
[Mr. Ping] Yes! Sneaky!
- [Mr. Ping] Perfect!
- [gasps]
[whoops] Yes.
I I did it? I did it?
I did it!
No, no, no!
Oh, uh
[echoing footsteps recede]
- [gasps]
- [Forouzan] Well, well, well.
- [in unison] Hey!
- [groaning]
No! My merchandise!
[groans] One coco-cup, please.
- Three, two, one, out!
- [crowd cheers]
Looks like Ping and his crew
lose round two.
Cheater. You hit her.
That's not one-on-one.
Boohoo. You're gonna cry about it?
It's not off the table.
- I can't believe you ever
- [Mr. Ping] Stop it!
teamed up with this monster!
I was a different person then.
Were you?
Oh Po, stop being a brat!
Give it up, Ping.
You were born to cheat and lie.
You were born to be a pirate.
Stay out of this, will ya?
Oh, my sweet.
I think you're going to love round three.
Who goes there?!
I guess no one goes there.
Back to me knitting.
We need to get to high ground
if anyone is going to see this flare.
Oi. Oi, what are you supposed to be?
The fancy get-up.
Don't look like much of a pirate to me.
Well, I am!
[Blade] I happen to be a
A fancy pirate, thank you very much.
Matter of fact
You kinda look like a knight.
Step away from my fearsome pirate wife!
Sorry, sorry. I'd rather die.
Knight scum! I knew it! [grunts]
Just let me up.
[groans, snarls]
If only we had
Huh? [grunts]
Not bad for a fake knight.
Why am I still handcuffed to you?
I may have lost the key
in the fight with the terrifying bunnies.
[groans] You absolute buffoon.
I was right. I was right
[crowd cheers]
Ladies and gentle-pirates,
your final champion is
your Queen.
[chanting] Forouzan! Forouzan!
This has been coming for 30 years,
you dirty traitor.
Bring it on, Forouzan!
[grunts] Finally.
- Let's do this. [grunting]
- Wait! No!
She won't fight fair, Po.
Yeah? I'm counting on it.
Fight me! I'm the one you want. Come on!
Hm, I'd rather make you watch
as I destroy the life you chose over me.
Whatever, Pirate Queen.
You can't hurt this bad boy
any more than my own dad hurt my heart!
I've known you less than a day,
and I can already tell
you're the least bad boy on Earth.
Um, I'm actually a very bad boy.
[yelps] Wow! Okay! You got me!
I'm a good boy!
How come you get two swords
and I get nothing?
Because I make the rules, remember?
Ow! My face hurts like my heart.
[laughing, cheering]
[gasps] My bad-boy do!
Yes! Did I just
[exclaiming] Hot toes! I got hot toes!
[Mr. Ping] Po!
You have to listen to me.
Throw sand in her eyes. Fight dirty!
I'm not gonna be like you, Dad.
I'm flying solo from now on.
Maybe you were born to be a pirate,
but not me!
You're right, Po.
I was wrong to keep my past from you.
Being a pirate is part of me.
I'll never be able to change that.
I'm sorry.
But, the greatest thing I've ever done,
the thing I was born to do,
is to be your dad!
[crowd cheers]
Any last words?
- [gasps]
- [Mr. Ping] Po!
- Ursa Major!
- [groans]
- [dramatic music plays]
- [grunting]
[echoing bellow]
[Mr. Ping squawks]
- Three, two, one
- [gasping]
- Son?
- [crowd gasps]
- [groans]
- [crowd gasps]
I'm not great at being bad.
Guess you raised me too good.
Oh, no, no, no, son.
You were very bad,
uh, but like, in a cool way.
I'm very impressed.
[soft music plays]
Hm. That's the shortest rebellious phase
I've ever seen.
[grunts, gasps]
Oh, one sec.
Go on, tell him he won, Forouzan.
You're out!
Even by your own made-up rules.
Very well.
[Po] Yes!
These are pretty cool.
Wish you didn't hate
our family so much, though.
Hate and love are
two sides of the same doubloon, kid.
You raised a formidable fighter, Ping.
I'm almost impressed.
[whooping, laughing]
Hey buddy, watch the tenders.
Hey, where's Blade?
[sprightly music plays]
I'm keenly aware that you could use
the knights as a distraction to escape,
and leave me empty-handed once again.
I've come to believe
you may be an honorable person.
But the other knights won't believe it.
Do I have your word
that you'll go peaceably?
So long as my friends
arrive in England safely, you do.
[dramatic music plays]
Those pirates have no idea
what's about to hit them.
[cheering, whooping]
- Look, fireworks! [yelps]
- [gasping]
Not fireworks.
Wait, what?
The knights are coming!
- [gasping]
- Huh?
[rhythmic music plays]
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