LA to Vegas (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

Two and a Half Pilots

1 So, how was your date last night? Ugh.
Another guy turned out to be gay.
Are you still using my Tinder account? I told you it's not like Hulu.
We can't share a subscription.
Looks like Captain Dave is late again.
- Always does this.
- Then he waltzes in and says, "Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time.
" That's not a time zone; it's a tragedy.
- [DAVE SIGHS] - Oh, finally.
Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time.
- Well, see you later.
- H-Hold on.
Why are you holding a bag like someone who's never held a bag before? DAVE: [SIGHS] All right.
Truth is I've finally found my Achilles' heel.
It's my Achilles' wrist.
- Ouch.
- Wait, it gets worse.
- That's my high-fiving hand.
- What happened? I was walking down the street and I saw some poor schlub trapped under a giant armoire.
I knew my only two choices were to heroically lift the thing off him or to cut his arm off with my pocketknife.
So I summoned up all of my strength, but alas, my will was stronger than my wrist.
Anyway, the important thing is I'm all patched up now - and ready to go.
- You can't fly.
No, but until I can, I'll have to settle for piloting a plane.
Let's do it.
- Dave.
- Oh, this is exactly why I was hiding it.
I knew you two were gonna be dicks about this.
Sorry, got to call it in.
Come on, Bernie, you can't ground this eagle.
It needs to soar.
You know I can do this.
All right.
Let's give it a try.
You know he's just calling in a replacement, right? Yeah, I know.
Can you at least sign my cast? I have a date tonight and want her to know I have friends.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
]: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING] WOMAN [OVER P.
A.
]: Attention all passengers, we are now boarding Whoa, a bag! What's in them? Uh, just some toys.
Toys.
That's fun.
Can I look? Um, I just oh.
There is many games.
You know what game I like? The one about the hippos that are so very hungry.
- You know this game? - Perhaps, not touch these.
They're presents for my son's birthday.
Birthday? Fun.
You know, at my club Grapefruits, birthday boys get half off lap dances.
Dads pay full price to watch, though.
He's three.
He is three or he's turning three? I think I'm gonna go through security again.
Just for fun.
On my third birthday, I dig hole for swimming pool.
On my fourth birthday, I find out it's mass grave.
You know what? You should tell him.
- Bad news sounds better coming from you.
- Okay.
So, Judases, did you find my replacement? Ronnie? Yes, we did, but you are not going to like it.
What? Who is it? ["ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE" BY SCORPIONS PLAYING] Here I am Rock you like a hurricane Here I am.
Captain Steve.
Captain Dave.
Looks like I'll be taking over the reins this weekend.
Tough break on that wrist.
I'd say, "No pun intended," but I knew what I was doing.
And this must be my new flight crew.
Good-looking pair.
You got names? - I'm Bernard.
- I'm Ronnie.
Hi.
Is it suddenly very hot in here? [WHISPERS]: It is.
Oh, hey, Dave, didn't see you there.
You just said hello to me.
Heard about the divorce.
How many is that for you? Four? Excuse me, try three.
It seems no woman could ever understand I'm married to the sky.
- I'm married to a model.
- A catalog model.
Internet catalog model.
The whole future, it's all online.
- So true.
- Blogs.
What are you even doing here? You don't fly domestic.
[LAUGHS]: No.
The international skies are my playground.
Then I got this call, and I figured it'd be a great way to get back to my roots, my American roots.
God, I love this country.
Well, I'll be back in action any day, so don't get too comfortable.
I'll try, but you know me, I'm comfortable anywhere.
I exclusively use public restrooms.
Yeah.
I'm always looking for the next big thing.
I mean, landing on water, it's been done.
Sully did it.
So I was thinking, what's the next thing we should land on? I say the sky.
I have no idea what that means, - but I like how close I feel to you.
- [DOOR OPENS] - Hey, fellas.
- Captain Dave.
How are things going in my cockpit? Great.
Captain Steve let me wear his jacket.
Look how floppy my arms are.
Shouldn't you be at home resting up that wrist? Not that I'd know I've never broken anything.
- Except a few hearts.
- [LAUGHS] I can believe it.
I thought I should fly with you this weekend, you know, in case you had any questions or you died.
I'll just third-wheel it in the jump seat.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sorry, the jump seat's occupied by my copilot.
A 200-pound kettlebell? Great.
That's embarrassing.
Now everybody knows how much I lift! [EXHALES] Anyway, you can fly with us, but you're gonna have to ride in the cabin.
The cabin? You want me to sit in that flying refugee camp? They made these tickets way too cheap.
- Right there.
- COLIN: I'm so sorry, those seats are taken.
Maybe just find two other seats? Yeah, okay.
Ah, sorry.
- Your pants are on fire.
- Sorry? Oh, my God, you just lied to them.
Well, yeah, clearly.
They're both very shady.
And also, I'm kind of preoccupied with finalizing my son's birthday party.
He's turning three.
Oh.
That's a cute age is something people say, right? I don't know anything about kids.
It's his first birthday since his mother and I separated, and I think I've rather outdone myself.
Check out the play gym I've booked.
Now, there's a puppy playpen, a cake pit, and all the princesses are actual descendants of exiled royalty.
Wow, that sounds a lot better than my third birthday party.
God, what a disaster.
You remember your third birthday? Only 'cause my mom taped it.
Then the tape was later used in the trial.
It was also the first time I smoked Marlboro Red.
My family was a little trashy.
I grew up near Bakersfield.
Our town mayor was a Harley-Davidson.
Sleep when you're on the ground.
You're in the air, for God's sake.
Show some respect.
Are you seriously gonna fly back and forth all weekend just to keep an eye on him? - You have a better idea? - Yes.
Don't.
- You don't know.
- [SIGHS] - [AIR HISSING] - What's with this thing? If it's off, it's too hot.
If it's on, it dries my eyes.
You people live like animals! DAVE: Thanks for all your help with Captain Steve.
- What the hell happened to you? - I couldn't help it.
I'm very single, and that silver fox has a strong back and could probably carry me across a river.
Be a modern woman and carry yourself across a river, Ronnie.
I don't understand.
What is your problem with him? He thinks he's so much better than me just because he finished first in our flight class, and beat me out for the international route, and won Jackpot's Sexiest Pilot award six years in a row, despite me killing it in the talent category.
[IMITATES TRAIN CHUGGING] [IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE] Oh, Dave.
Nobody wanted to see your Magic Mike routine.
Yeah, that was all Mike and no magic.
This was the one place where I didn't feel like I was in Captain Steve's shadow.
Well, I'm not letting him take that from me, too.
I can fly this plane, and I'll prove it.
How many push-ups you want to see me do? - 600.
- None.
[DAVE SHOUTS] One! [PANTING]: Okay.
I can't do a push-up, but my wrist is fine.
It can do everything it used to do.
I can do the Dirty Dancing lift.
Bernard, run to me! No.
Dave, go home.
Get some rest.
Nobody puts Bernard in a corner.
STEVE: Welcome to Las Vegas.
[PASSENGERS CHEERING] - Hi.
Thank you.
- Hi.
Oh, that landing touched me.
Did we land? I didn't feel the wheels touch the ground.
I know.
Usually, I have to take pills to feel this way.
And don't forget who gave you those pills.
So, what'd you think of the L.
A.
to Vegas flight? Pretty boring, right? You should probably get back to your old route now.
Actually, it was kind of a nice break from the spotlight of the international route.
I've already conquered that.
It's probably time to conquer something new.
Like when Nicole Kidman does TV.
Yeah.
I could see myself doing this full-time.
Captain Steve is moving into my route.
We got to do something to stop him.
- What do you expect us to do? - I don't know.
Something! The alternative is he replaces me.
We can't let that happen.
We're a team.
Think about all our history.
Your first week on the job, when you forgot to lock the exit door, who blamed the ground crew and got that guy fired? Yeah, but I felt so guilty afterwards, I had to date him for six months.
So I got you laid, too.
And, Bernie, we've been together for years.
We're like brothers.
You came out to me.
Uh, no.
You just flat-out asked.
Your exact words were, "Gay, right?" The point is that we look out for each other.
That's why you got to help me.
You got to help me.
What do you think? Well, right now, all I can think about is how good Captain Steve smells.
Does anyone know what that is? It's a pamplemousse facial scrub.
Not available in the States.
Don't get me wrong, I want to help Dave, I do.
But would it really be the worst thing in the world if Steve was our new boss? It's probably less work for us.
We wouldn't have to babysit.
I mean, he's actually got a life off the plane.
Yeah, he doesn't want to waste time with us.
He's got a catalog model to go home to.
He just clocks in, clocks out.
Imagine working for a pilot who says "thank you" every once in a while, and doesn't make us check his hair for grays before each flight.
What are you complaining about? You only have to check his head.
[PHONE RINGING] Colin? COLIN: Oh, thank God you answered.
Ronnie, it's all coming apart.
The universe is getting back at me for my hubris.
I had a petard, and I've been hoisted by it.
Colin, you're using high-scoring Scrabble words.
I don't know what you're saying.
I'm talking about the play gym I booked for my son's party.
It's been shut down.
An anti-vaxxer held a party, I don't know, something about a long-dormant supervirus.
It's a disaster.
- Okay, just calm down.
- I can't calm down.
I'm holding a party tomorrow for 24 children.
I've got nowhere to throw it.
I need help.
I know it's weird I'm calling you.
You're the only person I know in Las Vegas.
Well, not the only person.
[TIRES SCREECH] Hey! Ronnie says you need help throwing party to buy your son's love.
- Ronnie called you? - Yeah.
And Artem is big helper.
Hop in.
I have candy.
Oh, no.
You want me to get in this? With you? Yeah, don't worry, it's not even my van.
Let's just say, for a minute, we actually considered lodging a fake complaint against Captain Steve.
What could we possibly say that would make a difference? We'll just say he grabbed my ass.
Um, if he's grabbing anybody's ass, it's mine.
Please.
Have you seen your ass? Because I haven't.
- He's not even gay.
- I transcend sexuality.
Do you know how many pilots I've turned? - Shut up.
Like who? - You'd be surprised.
The drink carts aren't the only things that go both ways.
Um, sorry to interrupt, but don't you think you guys should be working? It's the Saturday afternoon flight from Vegas to L.
A.
- There's nothing to do.
- Yeah.
See, it's that attitude that makes you both such remarkable failures.
I demand excellence every moment you're on this plane.
Right, but, Steve, there's literally Uh, sorry.
"Steve"? Try "Captain," or "sir.
" I don't know how you got away with this garbage before, but it ends now.
Can you believe that? Who the hell does he think he is? I'm gonna march right into that cockpit and make him grab my ass.
[LIVELY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] COLIN: Wow.
This place is really impressive.
Yeah, business is good, eh, Farley? Yeah, man, things have blown up for us, ever since that Stranger Things kid nailed a paparazzo with his scooter.
Follow me.
So you need something for tomorrow morning, 20 heads.
What's the chick-to-stick raish? - I'm so sorry, the? - Girl to guy.
Girl to guy ratio.
We like to keep it three to one.
Oh, I-I think it's about even.
Oof, you're lucky Artem's a friend.
So, tomorrow is going to be lit! Egypt Keys-Beatz is hosting.
Bottle service only.
Let's say, uh, ten of the magnums? Also, you're gonna want the table out by the ball pit.
- That's where it all goes down.
- Okay.
Uh, what is that? VIP? Peanut allergy.
So, with the bottles, the table, and of course the party favors [CLICKS TONGUE] Why is he winking? We really do need party favors.
Your total comes out to $8,000.
- What? - That is good price.
No, no, no, no.
There's no way I can afford that.
Look, I want this to be special for my son, but I'm on a budget.
What can I get for $400? I paid $400 to get back to exactly where I started.
Welcome to Las Vegas! Oh, we have to do something about Captain Steve.
But first, which one of us is more sexually harass-able? Before you answer, consider my bedroom eyes.
Relax.
Don't pop a contact.
Steve is going to make our lives hell if he takes over this route.
We have to stop him.
We're thinking smear campaign.
Same thing we did with Klepto-Kathy, although we may have jumped the gun on that one.
Well, just because we found my bracelet doesn't mean she didn't want to steal it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down here.
We can't just go around besmirching Steve's reputation.
What? This was your idea.
Where is this coming from? And when did you learn "besmirch"? All I'm saying, we should consider our options before crucifying him.
Corporate said Dave could have Steve's route - if Steve took Dave's route.
- Damn it, Alan.
- What? - All right.
I called corporate to ask, hypothetically, if Captain Steve took L.
A.
to Vegas, could I take international, and they were on board.
So when it was your job on the line, you needed our help, but now that it's ours, - you don't care.
- Don't you understand? This international route would be huge for me.
I need this.
Just look at me.
Look at my wrist.
We're supposed to be cool with you screwing us, just because you couldn't help some guy under an armoire? No.
You should be cool with it because I was the guy under the armoire.
I was the one I couldn't help.
- What? - You own an armoire? I bought it.
And I was moving it back to my place when it tipped over on me.
I was trapped underneath of it for hours.
Hours.
When I picked it up from that Craigslist perv, he even said to me, "Don't you have someone to help you move this?" But I didn't.
Because the truth is I have no one in my life to help me move a gorgeous piece of antique furniture.
So am I being a little selfish? Yes.
But when you're a guy stuck moving armoires alone you get to be selfish.
[SIGHS] What's a armoire? What are we doing here? We still haven't found a place for the party.
We'll find place.
For now, we focus on entertainment.
COLIN: You think this is the place for the entertainment? - Yeah.
- I O-Okay.
I like your body, girl Seen you up in this party, girl The way you move is hypnotic - Hi! - Mm! It's so fun when my friends come by.
My family almost never comes to visit me at work.
I'm sorry, did you say "almost never"? And don't worry, you came to the right place.
We have so many talented ladies who want to help with this party.
Girls? - MAN: Next to the stage - This is Staci.
She makes awesome balloon animals out of condoms.
COLIN: Yeah.
Oh.
Ah.
- [ARTEM LAUGHS] - [QUIETLY]: That's disgusting.
This is Juli.
She has an amazing singing voice.
She actually came here to be in one of the shows, but, well, life is hard, so she's here now.
Okay.
And this is Micki.
She's, like, an animal trainer.
Her dog can do the craziest tricks.
Watch.
Shake.
- What's up? - Pleasure.
We will take the balloon animals and the singer.
Thank you, Mr.
Dog, I think we're gonna go another way.
You see? One problem solved.
Now we just have to find birthday house.
Wait, you still don't have a place for the party? No.
So the possibility of ruining my son's childhood - is still very much in play.
- Yeah.
DOG: Hey, man, don't sweat it.
My dad ruined all my birthdays growing up, and I turned out just fine.
Oh, dear God.
If you guys are still looking for a venue, I might know a place.
- [LIVELY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] - [KIDS CHATTERING EXCITEDLY] I still can't believe how well this all came together.
And they were okay with shutting down the strip club for this? Oh, yeah, no, Sundays are slow anyway.
You know, actually, it's really nice to have customers on our laps for a change.
My giraffe is slippery.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES] - Oh, oh, uh, uh Thank you both so much for all of this.
I suppose I'm not used to people going out of their way like this for me.
Well, of course.
We're friends.
Yeah.
After all our flights together, we like to think, uh, that you're one of us now.
That's really nice.
I think.
Daddy, we're going to the sparkly cider room! Oh.
STEVE: Hello, passengers.
- This is Captain Steve.
- As we're approaching Vegas, a little reminder.
If it's magic you're looking for, head over to Caesars for Pascal the Magnificent.
I've seen him myself, and let me tell you, the only thing that man can't make disappear is the smile on your face.
Boned his wife.
I'm gonna get a cup of joe.
You want anything? - I'll have one, too.
- Get it yourself.
Oh.
Captain Dave.
Something I can help you with? Yeah, I wanted to ask you to take it easier - on Ronnie and Bernard.
- Ronnie and Bernard? You mean those flat-ass soda machines with bad attitudes? I don't know why you're even defending them.
They're just a couple of losers who should be grateful to have a job at all in fact, frankly, if it was up to me, they wouldn't.
- You know what? - What? Those are my friends you're talking about.
And I don't care what it costs me, you will never take over this flight.
What? You Take over this flight? Why the hell would? [CHUCKLES]: Oh.
This is pathetic.
Did you think that I wanted to trade routes with you? Well, it crossed my No.
I mean, a little.
I was never serious about taking over this godforsaken flight.
I mean, come on, Dave, look at me I fly international.
Okay, stop calling it international, Steve.
And let's call it what it is.
It's Canada.
Well, it counts.
They have their own money.
That doesn't even fit in wallets.
It fits in wallets.
You just have to fold the bill! - What's your problem, man?! - My problem right now is I'm talking to an overrated hack whose stickwork is pedestrian.
- What did you say? - I said, I've seen groundos with better air feel than you.
You take that back, you son of a bitch.
Why don't you make me? - Ow! Aah! - [PASSENGERS GASPING] What is your face made of?! You punched him! Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
[DAVE GROANS] How is this amazing? He hit me in the face.
That's good, too, but, I mean, he's screwed now.
It's nothing; it's just a little scrape - between a couple of pilots.
- But he's not a pilot.
You made him sit in the cabin.
You just assaulted a passenger.
Boom, bitch.
RONNIE: [GASPS] Ooh.
That was that was weird when you did that.
- It was weird.
- No.
Ronald! Look.
Colin gave us socialist gift bags.
Wow.
Looks like you had a fun weekend.
COLIN: Oh, you mean the T-shirt? Yeah, well, they're party favors from my son's birthday.
He said it was the best party he'd ever had.
He's also insisted I buy him the Kidz Bop version of "Turn Down for What.
" I'll see you all in hell! Seems like you had a pretty interesting weekend yourself.
Nah.
Pretty much the yuje.
Hey.
Um I wanted to thank you for sticking up for us back there, even if it meant losing out on the international job.
Eh, it was nothing.
We're a team, right? Damn right we are.
Which reminds me, I have something for you.
It's my phone number.
Just in case you ever need someone - to help you move an armoire.
- Thanks.
I actually took your number off the crew list a while ago.
Creepy.
As a symbolic gesture, though, this is very nice.
And the good news is, since Captain Steve has a broken hand, looks like I'll be the one flying back to L.
A.
No, no, not so fast, cowboy.
You still have a broken wrist.
Bernard called in another replacement.
Well, whoever it is, they can't be any worse than Captain Steve.
["ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE" BY SCORPIONS PLAYING] Here I am - Captain Carl.
- Hi.
- How are you? - [RONNIE SHUDDERS] - Oh, damn it.
- Here I am.